WRECKING BONG

IF KRISSY had written and delivered the speech of Bong Revilla, it would have been like this. Probably.

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“HELLLLLO! I’m so happy to see you all. Promise. I’m so touched. As in!

Unang-una, sa mga supporters ko outside the Senate who are making sigaw and all, I like you naaa. Love n’yo ‘ko talagaaa. In fairness sa inyo huh – gumastos pa talaga kayo sa pamasahe from Cavite to the Senate para lang ipakitang love n’yo ‘ko. O, ba’t nakataas ang kilay mo Senator TG? I hate you! Sige na nga, I’ll admit it na. I paid for their transpo plus lunch and two sets of merienda. Gosh! I’m so honest na talaga. Feeling ko hindi ako si Bong aha-ha-ha.

Just so you know, I wrote two speeches for today. ‘Yong isa, I’ll make banat and sira Abad, Alcala, and President Aquino’s other kakampi. You know, damay-damay din, meron namang time. Sa other version, bait-baitan muna ako. Mas bet ko actually ‘yong una. Kaya lang, pagdating ko rito, sabi ni Lani, “Pa, tama na. Last mo na ‘yan so ‘wag nang masyadong nega.” Alam mo naman ‘pag si Kumander na ang nagsalita, follow na lang ako. So heto na nga, version 2 ang babasahin ko sa inyo.

Makinig ka President Aquino! First, gusto kitang i-remind na two years ka na lang sa office. Thank God! As in thank God! So ka ‘wag nang masyadong stubborn, ok? Heto ang advice ko sa ‘yo:

Pababain ang crime rate.

Pakainin ang mga poor.

Bigyan ng matitirhan ang victims ng typhoon.

Ayusin ang service sa NAIA.

Ipagamot ang mga less fortunate na may sakit.

Create more jobs… as in maraming, marami. Mga millions of trabaho.

And pababain ang presyo ng bilihin.

There! I’m sure, ine-nega mo na naman ako at sasabihing grandmotherhood statements ang mga sinabi ko. Care bears! Ang importante, gets ako ng mga loyal supporters ko. ‘Tsaka please lang Noy, tama na ang siraan, tama na ang sisihan. Love, love, love na lang!

Oh, before I forget, kayong mga nasa media, you’re so unfair! Wala na kayong nakita kundi kami nina Manong Johnny at Pareng Jinggoy. Paano naman ‘yong iba? Kami lang ba ang nagnakaw? Nakakaloka kayo!

Mr. President, bago ako magtapos, meron muna akong list. As promised, bonggang-bonggang list ito! Kumpleto at walang cover up!

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Una sa list si Lord. Kung wala ka Lord, baka bumigay na ako sa sobrang stress. Kaya lang, bakit gano’n Lord? Nagpunta na ako sa Jerusalem to pray pero deadma ka pa rin? Hay naku Lord, ayaw ko ng ganyan. ‘Pag napikon ako sa ‘yo Lord, tatanggapin ko ang offer ng kalaban mo. Ikaw rin. Don’t test me! Lord.

Pangalawa… my wives, excuse me, my wife pala. Singular. Aha-ha-ha Ma, thanks ulit for the love and patience kahit may kahati ka. Joooke! Tandaan mo, kahit ‘di ka beauty queen, reyna ka pa rin sa bahay natin. Todo na ‘to to the highest level! Aha-ha-ha!

And lastly, to some of my colleagues…

Senator Jinggoy: Iba ka talaga friendship. ‘Yong iba, ‘di pa nakukulong, ikaw naman, makakadalawa na. Winnnner! Aha-ha-ha

Senator Chiz: I heard, ‘di pa kayo ok ng parents ni Heart. ‘Buti nga! Bigla raw akong na-sad. I’ll pray for you. Promise.

Senator TG: Ayokong maging plastic. Hate na hate kita!

Senator Alan Peter: Isa ka pa! Tseh!

Senator Nancy: ‘Dinig ko kay Darla, ikaw raw ang sunod na ipapasok sa Bahay ni Kuya. Nude painting ang task at pupuwersahin ka. Kaloka.

Senator Miriam: Hay naku. Absent ka na naman.

Senator JV: Isa lang ang pakiusap ko sa ‘yo at sa kapatid mong si Jinggoy: Pwede bang mag-diet kayo?

Senate President Drilon: Ikaw rin!

Senator Bam: Wala lang. ‘Di pa tayo close.

To Vice President Binay: Malapit na po ang halalan. Pwede naman akong mag-slide sa VP kung kinakailangan. Alam mo na!

To former President Arroyo, maraming salamat ma’am for being my mentor. Grabe talaga, I learned a lot from you. Seryoso!

To Jenny Napoles… be strong. Two years lang naman ang kalbaryo natin. After 2016, keri nang lahat Mare. I miss you naaa.

Senator Lapid: My gosh, Leon Guerrero, I can’t believe it. Makukulong ako ‘tapos ikaw, hindi? Grabe. ‘Di ko talaga kinakaya. I hope you’re next. Ang bad ko ‘noh? Aha-ha-ha

Senator Enrile: I admire your courage Manong. Sabi mo kasi you’re not afraid na makulong for the rest of your life. Of course! At your age?!? Aha-ha-ha!

Thank you nga rin pala sa mga showbiz reporters na never nang-iwan sa akin. Sa susunod na presscon… don’t you all worry… doble na ang sobre. Joooke!

At sa mahigit dalawampung milyong bumoto sa akin, I love you all. Sobra. Bongga kayo. We so deserve each other!

‘Wag kayong mag-alala, babalik ako. Hellller! Siyempre, may eleksyon pa ‘noh! Need ko pa rin ang votes n’yo! Kaya babalik ako!

Before I end, may surprise nga pala ako. Dahil tinanggihan ako sa ASAP, dito ko na lang ilo-launch ang aking bagong single and music video. It’s called, ‘Wrecking Bong.’ Believe it or not, ako ang sumulat nito. ‘Di kayo naniniwala? Fine. Eh ‘di hindi. Madali naman akong kausap. Pero ako mismo ang kumanta nito. Promise. This is about the pork barrel scam.  Malinis ang aking conscience kaya ‘di ako apektado ng lyrics. Tamaan na ang dapat tamaan. Basta, I am innocent!

Sweetheart, ready na ba ang ‘yong panyo? Maiiyak ka sa ginawa ‘kong ito. And I’m sure, our viewers too! Lights off please. Sana po magustuhan n’yo.

WRECKING BONG

We lie, we steal, we keep our pork
We take never asking why
We sign, she gives projects to us
A scheme no one could deny

Don’t you ever say, you would walk away
If you’re offered that sum
Don’t say no, just try; take the cash and smile
Lie, if Benhur names you.

Chorus
I come in like a wrecking Bong
Who always hit Abad, PNoy
All I wanted was to break their balls
But they used De Lima to wreck me
Yeah, she, she wrecked me

I come in like a wrecking Bong
Who really hates kalbong PNoy
All I wanted was to break his balls
But he used Conchita to wreck me
Yeah, she, she wrecked me.

-End of Speech-

KrisPlea
On his looming arrest due to non-bailable pork-related charges, Bong Revilla said, “Huwag naman sana tayong babuyin.” That was punny. [I hope he’s aware of it.]

House Arrest
Both Jinggoy Estrada and Bong Revilla who have repeatedly told the media they were ready to go to jail are now seeking (house) mansion arrest. If granted, that would be bad news – for ‘No. 2’ (if any).

UP Fight!
On June 18, 1908, the University of the Philippines was founded through Act No. 1870 of the Philippine Assembly. UP is now 106 years old – or as Gigi Reyes would say, “Pwede pa!”

Movie Trivia
Forty years ago, Ramon Revilla Sr. made this movie.
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Prophetic.
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“We don’t give our criminals much punishment, but we sure give ’em plenty of publicity.”
~Will Rogers

Sound Bites
“Strictly speaking, walang legal impediment sa gan’yan. The matter is actually addressed to his sense of delicadeza.”
~DOJ Sec. Leila De Lima on Bong Revilla’s presidential plan for 2016

Poll Results
Ano ang masasabi mo sa pagkakatalaga kay Manny Pacquiao bilang head coach sa PBA?
-I died. Lahat na lang pinasok?!? My gulay. 78.75%
-Why not? Mahilig naman sa basketball ‘yan. 11.56%
-Wala ‘yang alam sa pagku-coach ng professional basketball team. 9.69%

Justice for all taxpayers!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Aquino and Abunda Tonight, Philippine Daily Inquirer]

THE KING’S SPEECH

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PRESIDENT AQUINO had a televised speech last Wednesday, Oct. 30. For a moment, I thought he was trick-or-treating — he tricked us into believing he was saying something new.

In a televised address last Oct. 30, the President said, “I repeat: The issue here is theft. I did not steal.” WE repeat: The issue here is pork. Theft continues under your administration.

Taking a swipe at “corrupt officials allegedly involved in the pork barrel scam,” President Aquino said, “Not once have I heard them say: ‘I did NOT steal.'” To which Bong and Jinggoy replied, “You want us to lie?! Hellooow!”

In his speech, the President blasted those who tried to “muddle” the PDAF issue, and mentioned something about “an old politician” who wanted “to make everyone look bad.” He didn’t name names, just clues. It was like listening to an Arnold Clavio gossip on radio.

1 Bong and Jinggoy
Every year, Bong Revilla observes Halloween by trying to be scary. This year, he tried to scare the hell out of the whistleblowers by filing a damage suit against them.

In his complaint affidavit, Bong Revilla wanted Benhur Luy and Marina Sula to return his pork barrel to the government. To which Benhur and Marina said, “After you.”

Accused of pocketing millions of pesos in pork barrel funds, Bong Revilla filed a damage suit against PDAF scam whistleblowers. In the absence of action movies, Revilla is switching to comedy.

Interviewed on radio, Jinggoy Estrada said, “I am with (the President) in going after thieves in the government.” Sorry Bong, Jinggoy is funnier.

In a statement issued by his office last Thursday, Bong Revilla said, “I am not a thief and I never stole anything from the national coffers.” News editors are hiring an expert to verify if Revilla actually crafted that statement.

November 7
Janet Lim-Napoles is scheduled to appear before the Senate on Thursday, November 7. The alleged pork barrel queen is reportedly relaxed and composed. She is so prepared to not talk.

On Saturday, Nov. 2, Jinggoy Estrada left for the United States but vowed to return before Nov. 18. He’d rather attend to his ailing wife than attend the reunion on Nov. 7.

Jinggoy Estrada’s wife, Precy has a lump on her breast. It pains Jinggoy to see Precy suffer but it will pain him more to see Janet grilled.

Lots of Lots
Reports say suspected pork barrel queen Janet Lim-Napoles owns at least 200 lots at the Heritage (Memorial) Park — which is understandable since at least 200 people want her dead.

image Miss Universe
A new Miss Universe will be crowned on Nov. 9. Filipinos have been voting for local hopeful Ariella Arida online. As we all know, Filipinos are tops when it comes to beauty pageants. In fact, more Filipinos voted in the Miss Universe pageant than in the last barangay elections.

There are, in fact, two pure-blooded Filipinas in the 2013 Miss Universe pageant – Ariella Arida and Miss Universe-Canada Riza Santos. Riza was a former Miss Earth-Canada and a former Miss World-Canada. She lost in the Miss Earth contest and she also lost in the Miss World competition. Riza Santos is the Richard Gomez and Cesar Montano of beauty pageants.

lagreta Family Feud
The feud between Gretchen Barretto and her mom, Inday Barretto is getting worse. Gretchen accuses Inday of psychological abuse. Inday found an ally in Gretchen’s lips which accused the actress of collagen abuse.
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“Corrupt politicians make the other ten percent look bad.”
~ Henry Kissinger

Sound Bites
“We are not the same. I have never stolen. I am not a thief. I am the one who goes after thieves.”
~President Aquino to some of his critics

Have a productive and safe November!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine Daily Inquirer, Rappler, Miss Universe Organization]