SPECIAL TREATMENT

1Senseless
AN 18-year-old student of the College of St. Benilde died due to fraternity hazing Saturday night. Malacañang has vowed to take swift action on the case athough nothing could be swifter than Tau Gamma Phi members fleeing the crime scene.

The grieving father of the hazing victim said his son wanted to back out but members of the Tau Gamma Phi Fraternity threatened to kill him if he’d quit. They did anyway.

1Nobel Prize
Rumors say the government is lobbying for a Nobel Peace Prize nomination for President Aquino. Noranians are hoping he gets snubbed.

On Tuesday, President Aquino admitted that he rejected the nomination of Nora Aunor for National Artist because of her drug conviction. Hi Mr. President, Year 2005 called. Mag-move on ka na raw!

Special Treatment
Detained lawmakers Jinggoy Estrada and Bong Revilla have reportedly violated rules on visitation. Insiders reveal the PNP Custodial Center is allowing it. New Bilibid Prison officials slammed the head of the Custodial Center for his lack of originality.

Rappler reported that food was never a problem for the alleged plunderers. Unconfirmed reports say prison guards allow visitors to throw meat or live chicken toward them.

Suspension
Aside from Jinggoy Estrada’s suspension, government prosecutors are also asking the anti-graft court to suspend Bong Revilla from the Senate. If he gets suspended, Revilla won’t be able to work as a senator – if at all.

Arraigned
Jinggoy Estrada was arraigned Monday on charges of plunder and 11 counts of graft. The senator entered a plea of “not Sexy.”

1ongSandiganbayad
Associate Justice Gregory Ong of the Sandiganbayan is facing dismissal for allegedly fixing a case that benefited pork barrel queen Janet Napoles in 2010 and receiving millions of pesos in return. He definitely puts the ‘gory’ in Gregory.

When asked about a photo of him with Janet Napoles and Jinggoy Estrada, Sandiganbayan Associate Justice Gregory Ong said he did not know that it was Napoles in the picture. Even Janet Napoles was like, “Ulol!”

Black Propaganda
UNA spokesman Toby Tiangco is in the news again. This time, he is talking about yet another alleged demolition job against Vice President Binay. The demolition job, he says, will attempt to link the Vice President to the controversial Disbursement Acceleration Program or DAP. Binay is not worried – but he appreciates Tiangco’s efforts to get media mileage.

I am in awe of this Toby Tiangco. He outscoops every single journalist all the time when it comes to alleged this and alleged that. He’s the Kit Tatad of his generation.

11Kris, Again
On Sunday, presidential sister Kris Aquino spoke at length about her failed romance with Quezon City Mayor Herbert Bautista. Her monologue was likened to a State of the Nation Address. There were no accomplishments to trumpet.

“I had to learn that love endures, that love forgives, that love can actually be quiet, love can be selfless, it doesn’t blame no matter how much you’re hurting. Love doesn’t look for revenge and love has no regrets,” Kris explained. After which, she revealed that she’s the new spokesperson for Hallmark Cards.

Admitting that she “truly loved” Herbert Bautista, presidential sister Kris Aquino said, true love lets go “graciously.” And on nationwide TV.

Kris Aquino revealed that Herbert Bautista broke her heart. But she wants to still be friends with him. And she is not angry. And for the first time, she did not cry on TV. And she wants him to be happy. And she hopes for the best for him. And she won’t forget the mayor because he taught her “how to love unconditionally.” Also, because he visited and said sorry to Bimby – and that meant a lot to her. In short, this is not yet over people. You’ve been warned.

Child Abuse
In the news a few weeks back was Cebu Puericulture Center and Maternity House – where a newborn baby boy’s mouth was “taped” by a nurse to prevent him from crying. The latest: both camps have agreed to settle. The mom accepted compensation, and the maternity house offered to do something good for the community – specifically, put a surgical tape on Kris Aquino’s mouth.
———————————————————————————————
“Sometimes, loneliness makes the loudest noise.”
~Aaron Ben-Ze’ev

Sound Bites
“Wala pala talagang somewhere down the road para sa inyo and you can’t stop crying because ‘yong future na inakala mo, ‘yong pinagdarasal mo, that future that kept you going, that dream just disappears.”
~Kris Aquino

“We are going to pursue all those people who are instrumental in the heinous murder of this particular individual. This should not continue.”
~Palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda on the death of a CSB student due to hazing

Poll Results
Sakaling ipag-utos ng Sandiganbayan ang pag-aresto kay Enrile, ano ang nararapat sa kanya?

-Camp Crame Detention Facility 80.46%
-Hospital Arrest 11.4%
-House Arrest 8.14%

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: PNP, Rappler, The Buzz]

DEFIANCE

ER
FOR OVERSPENDING last elections, Laguna Governor ER Ejercito was ordered unseated by the Commission on Elections. Loyal supporters of Ejercito have barricaded themselves outside the Laguna provincial capitol to express their undying love for the actor-politician. It pays to overspend.

On Tuesday, a defiant ER Ejercito faced his supporters and delivered an impromptu speech. It was so emotional and impassioned, Ejercito expected no less than a best actor trophy from the PMPC.

Here’s a portion of ER Ejercito’s speech yesterday
(And what he wanted to say but couldn’t)

“Binaboy at binastos ng Comelec at Malacañang ang 550,000 votes.”
(Hindi ako papayag na masayang ang 23.5 million pesos na nagastos ko. Hello!)

“Pilit po akong inaalis ng Malakanyang sa pwesto dahil hindi ako bahagi ng Liberal Party.”
(Actually, ang vice governor na papalit sa akin ay miyembro ng Nacionalista Party. Pero ‘di ko pwedeng sabihin ‘yon dahil mababawasan ang impact ng aking speech.)

“Hindi na nirerespeto ng Malakanyang ang rule of law.”
(Parang ako lang.)

“Ako ay mananatiling lehitimong gobernador ng Laguna ngayon at magpakailanman.”
(Sa dami ng nagkalat kong mukha sa buong probinsya, kahit wala na ako sa mundo, nasa Laguna pa rin ako. Tse!)

1New Gov?
Just a day after the Comelec released its ruling, Laguna Vice Governor Ramil Hernandez of the Nacionalista Party took his oath as new governor replacing ER Ejercito. Hernandez and Ejercito: The Fast and the Furious.

Mastermind
Janet Lim-Napoles has submitted an expanded list to the Senate Blue Ribbon Committee. In her 32-page affidavit, Napoles decried being labeled as the “architect of the PDAF scam” saying, she didn’t even finish high school so how could she have studied architecture?

1list

CBCP president and Lingayen-Dagupan Archbishop Socrates Villegas appealed to Filipino Catholics to pray an “extra rosary” from May 31 to August 15 for the “conversion of the culprits in the pork barrel scam.” Even God was like, “Good luck with that!”

Holy Visit
Pope Francis recently visited the Holy Land. When he arrived there, members of the international media asked, “Do you have a plunder case too?”

Privileged
Reports say Bong Revilla will be allowed the opportunity to deliver yet another privilege speech. Thinking Filipinos will have the opportunity to ignore yet another hour of blah blah.

Bong Revilla will reportedly deliver yet another privilege speech. Filipinos with low tolerance for bullshit are advised not to watch or listen.

Unfair
Jinggoy Estrada lashed out at the media for being “unfair” in reporting about the pork barrel scam. He said the media tend to focus only on three senators. The actor-turned politician added, “We also have an honor and a name to protect.” Where?

Quiet
Panfilo Lacson has not spoken to the press about the pork barrel scam for a couple of days now. I hope he’s ok.

1Fired!
The DOTC has fired controversial MRT Line 3 general manager Al Vitangcol III. The news wasn’t surprising at all. His term as MRT 3 head was a trainwreck.

In a Congressional inquiry, MRT general manager Al Vitangcol revealed that last May 26, he was fired when he told his bosses that he’s about to resign. That’s how badly they wanted him out.

Attacked
A large crocodile attacked and killed a 30-year-old fisherman in Palawan last Thursday. The fisherman was reportedly on his way to work when he was attacked by the reptile. Authorities are conducting a probe even as local residents started hunting the crocodile. Lawmakers appealed to the public not to judge their colleague pending full investigation.

Untitled
The Richest
The SALNs of senators are out. With a net worth of P1.6 billion, the richest senator is still Cynthia Villar. With a net worth of only P4.9 million, the poorest senator is still a multimillionaire.

To Catch A Thief
Policemen will reportedly ride the jeep in civilian clothes as part of the PNP’s campaign to catch robbers and thieves. Why ride the jeep? Why not just go directly to the Senate?

Naturalized
NBA center-forward Andray Blatche is now a naturalized Filipino. The Senate approved a bill seeking to grant Filipino citizenship to the Brooklyn Nets player so he could play for Gilas Pilipinas in the FIBA World Cup. This begs the question: when will they naturalize David Pomeranz?
———————————————————————————————
“Government creates wealth the way ticks create blood.”
~Grover Norquist

Sound Bites
“Bata pa lamang ako ay natuto na akong maghanap-buhay. Sa biyaya ng Diyos, sa aking tiyaga, sipag at pawis, at sa tulong ng mga taong nakilala ko, ito ay aking napalago hanggang sa aking narating ngayon.”
~Janet Lim-Napoles (Affidavit)

“Bukas tayo sa posibilidad na ang ginagawa lang niya (Napoles) ay guluhin ang istorya. Habang dumadami nang dumadami ang iimbestigahan natin, siguro kakaimbestiga time’s up na tayo. Hindi na naisampa yung kaso. Baka iyon ang strategy.”
~President Aquino

“My God! Kung alam ko lang na ‘yong computer eh Napoles, hindi ko na tinanggap ‘yon. Kaliit-liit naman no’n.”
~Sen. Cynthia Villar after being mentioned in the Napoles affidavit

The Sun

p

Poll Results
Sabi ni JV Ejercito, ang pagpapatalsik kay ER Ejercito ay bahagi ng ‘concerted efforts’ ng administrasyon upang ibagsak ang oposisyon.

-Boom peyns ka JV! Ang batas ay batas. Magpaliwanag na lang si ER sa korte. 56.29%
-Wala akong pakialam kay ER. Busy ako sa buhay ko. 37.42%
-Tama si JV. Namumulitika ang administrasyon. ‘Nak ng teteng! 6%

Jail them all!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: GMA News, @Angel_Atienza via ANC, Karen Davila, Philippine Daily Inquirer]

T@NG-I*@, HAPPY!

1gg
JESSICA LUCILA ‘GIGI’ REYES is back in the country. Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile’s former chief of staff and rumored paramour who was recently indicted for plunder in connection with the pork barrel scam arrived before dawn Saturday. In a brief statement released this morning, Senator Enrile said, “Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof. Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth.”

Gigi Reyes told GMA News she’s “ready to face” the plunder charges. Right now, she has two options: state witness or stay in love.

Only GMA News was at the NAIA when Gigi Reyes arrived. The news crew was asking too many questions. But Reyes kept her cool and answered the questions juan at a time.

1GR
On Saturday morning, Gigi Reyes returned, unannounced. No escorts, no drama, no fanfare, and surprisingly, no wheelchair.

A month after the PDAF scandal broke out, Gigi Reyes left the country. That was almost eight months ago. No one knows where she’s been. She could have been to the US or Canada. Or maybe in the Cayman Islands, the Bahamas, the British Virgin Islands or Zurich. We don’t know.

Lawyer Gigi Reyes arrived on Black Saturday. Senator Enrile was overheard saying, “She puts the ‘gloria’ in Sabado de Gloria.”

e
Gigi Reyes returned to Manila before dawn Saturday. Her brother Patrick says Senator Enrile was not told of her arrival. To which, ABS-CBN News and TV5 said, “Kami rin!”

Legal
New Hampshire lawmakers recently voted to make adultery legal in the state. In totally unrelated news, Senator Enrile denied reports he’s spending his retirement years in New Hampshire.

Jinggoy’s Prayers
During the Holy Week break, Jinggoy Estrada reportedly prayed to God that his detractors be enlightened. In response, God ordered Jinggoy to enlighten Him first on what happened to the 230 million-peso pork barrel fund released to his office.

marOh Mar!
Last week, the Philippine Star reported that DILG Sec. Mar Roxas blew his top and shouted at the staff of the Wack Wack Golf and Country Club who insisted that he pay some fees. Roxas was quoted to have said, “’Tang-i*@! Kailan pa nagkaroon ng ganyang rules!?! ’Tang-i*@! Walang bawal-bawal sa akin!” To be fair, Roxas has apologized. Apparently, the incident taught him some valuable lessons. It taught him how to be patient, how to be understanding, and how to ruin his chances of winning the presidency in 2016.

Sec. Mar Roxas clarified that his strong words were not directed at anyone. He has since apologized for what happened and called it an “unfortunate incident.” Or as ‘Ayala Avenue’ would say, “a #throwbackmoment.”

DILG Sec. Mar Roxas reportedly lost his cool when he was told to pay some fees at the Wack Wack Golf and Country Club last April 6. For Roxas, it was an “unfortunate incident.” For Vice President Binay, it was an early Christmas gift.

When the staff of the Wack Wack Golf and Country Club insisted that he pay some fees, DILG Sec. Mar Roxas reportedly uttered, “’Tang-i*@! Kailan pa nagkaroon ng ganyang rules!?! ’Tang-i*@! Walang bawal-bawal sa akin!” Shocked, the Wack Wack staff allegedly replied, “’Tang-i*@! Nag-ju-juice diet ka rin ba?!”

Easter Message
In his Easter Sunday message, Manila Archbishop Luis Antonio Tagle prayed for true peace. He asked God for peace in communities ravaged by earthquakes, typhoons and armed conflicts. He also prayed for peace in our hearts, homes, institutions, and golf courses.

Meteor Shower
From the evening of Monday (April 21) to predawn of April 22, a meteor shower will light up Philippine skies. Astronomers say dozens of so-called ‘falling stars’ will be visible in the sky. So expect to see Jinggoy, Bong, and probably, Mar Roxas.
————————————————-
“There comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular, but he must take it because conscience tells him it is right.”
~ Martin Luther King Jr.

Sound Bites
“I’m facing the charges. I’ve always faced it.”
~Gigi Reyes

“If there is something wrong in what I did, I sincerely apologize for hurting someone. There was a misunderstanding on my part, for which I apologize. I direct my apology to the Wack Wack family.”
~DILG Sec. Mar Roxas

Poll Results
Sa Metro Manila, ano ang madalas mong sakyan?

Train (MRT/LRT) 24.89%
Sariling sasakyan 24.45%
Jeep 22.27%
Bus 19.65%
Taxi 8.73%

Have a great week ahead!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: GMA News, Philippine Daily Inquirer, Rappler]

BUSES AND TRAINS

0
ABS-CBN NEWS spotted Jinggoy Estrada in California walking with the aid of a cane. Viewers were stunned. They did not anticipate a rehearsal this early.

Jinggoy Estrada said he would not resign because he was elected by 18 million Filipinos. At press time though, those 18 million still won’t give a reaction, and asked for prayers and forgiveness instead.

Malling
Police captured a crocodile wandering outside a mall in California. California Fish and Wildlife officials have yet to confirm rumors that the crocodile is Filipino.

0
The Kim and Anne
Reports say Anne Curtis went to the office of BIR Commissioner Kim Henares Thursday night. Everyone was surprised to see the controversial actress. In fact, a starstruck security guard asked, “Why are you here? Who invited you? You are too classy to be here.”

Anne Curtis was at the BIR office last Thursday. Commissioner Kim Henares refuses to confirm rumors Anne is facing tax evasion charges. But close friends of the TV host have denied it, saying Anne went to the BIR to buy the agency.

Dyesebel star Anne Curtis visited the BIR office last Thursday evening. Something’s fishy.

88
Playboy publisher Hugh Hefner just turned 88. Asked for advice on how to achieve a long life, Hefner answered, “Avoid pork.” To which Senator Enrile said, “Hindi rin.”

0Options
Amid system malfunctions and very long lines in the MRT, palace spokesperson Sonny Coloma advised MRT passengers to try other options like taking a bus ride on Edsa. In response, MRT passengers advised Coloma to try other options like, ‘Thinking before talking.’

Palace spokesman Sonny Coloma says disgruntled MRT riders should try other modes of transport like buses since “hindi naman siksikan ‘yong mga bus na ‘yon.” This begs the question, “Where have you been?”

To avoid long queues in the MRT, palace spokesperson Sonny Coloma told MRT riders to ride a bus on Edsa instead. Even the reviled Edwin Lacierda was like, “I won’t even dare suggest that!”

0
Top 5 New Valuable Suggestions From Palace Spokesman Sonny Coloma

No. 5: Kung wala nang mabili ang kakarampot mong suweldo sa palengke, mag-grocery ka na lang sa Rustan’s.

No. 4: Kung hindi mo na ma-take ang lenggwahe ni Arnold Clavio, manood ka na lang ng T3 ng Tulfo Brothers.

No. 3: Kung Comm Arts major ka at hirap na hirap kang ipasa ang Math 1 at NatSci 1, mag-shift ka na lang sa Metallurgical Engineering o Molecular Biology and Biotechnology.

No. 2: Kung mahal na mahal mo ang iyong officemate pero marami namang nanliligaw sa kanya, ligawan mo na lang si Anne Curtis.

And the No. 1 new valuable suggestion from palace spokesman Sonny Coloma…

Kung hindi pa rin nababawasan ang iyong timbang sa kabila ng pagda-diet at exercise, ipagpasa-Diyos mo na lang!

Dared
A group of train commuters challenged President Aquino and his cabinet: “Commute daily! Try n’yo lang!” The President and his Cabinet replied, “Ahm, choppy kayo, choppy! Konting ikot, wala kaming marinig.”

Rated SPG
From 74 percent, President Aquino’s trust rating has dropped to 69. If it’s any consolation, that’s the closest he can get to having raunchy sex.

Worship
At the reopening of the Manila Cathedral, Manila Archbishop Luis Antonio Cardinal Tagle reminded Filipinos to worship God and shun “false idols.” In the interest of fairness, we’ll get the side of KathNiel fans.
——————————————–
“If only this great concern we have for our own sensitive feelings expanded to encompass the feelings of our fellow men.”
~ Richelle E. Goodrich

Sound Bites
“’Yong MRT lang ba ang puwedeng sakyan doon sa mga rutang dinadaanan nito? Baka naman puwedeng matuklasan ‘yong iba pang mga options. Hindi naman siksikan ‘yong mga bus na ‘yon.”
~Palace spokesman Sonny Coloma

Tale of the Tape
10

Have a great weekend! Good luck Pacman!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Thanks to ABS-CBN News, The Manila Bulletin, Solar News.Ph, Agence France Presse]

SLAM DUNK

HAPPY BIRTHDAY President Aquino! The President turned 54 on February 8. You know the President is getting old when his age is now higher than his net satisfaction rating.

The President was born on February 8, 1960. He’s an Aquarian. According to astrologers, Aquarians are “inefficient” and “detached.” To which the President reacted, “Excuse me! I am not inefficient.”

President Aquino just turned 54. He’s still single but is very much hopeful. Related: Hugh Hefner was 87 when he married Crystal Harris.

When reporters asked about his birthday wish, the President answered, “Better communities, more resilient to disasters.” The answer was applauded, and he went on to win 1st runner-up.

Noy License
Two days before he turned 54, President Aquino went to LTO Tayuman to renew his driver’s license. A palace statement said, “The President, who has rejected the so-called wang-wang mentality since he assumed office in 2010, waited in line along with other license applicants.” Fortunately, the whole process was really fast. The only thing faster was Malacanang’s drafting of that press release.

Last Thursday, President Aquino waited in line at LTO-Tayuman to renew his driver’s license. Or as The Daily Tribune would say, “Aquino loiters, wastes time at LTO”

According to an LTO officer, “The President was surprised at how fast his license was processed.” The whole process was completed in just 26 minutes. Or in President Aquino’s terms, “four sticks.”

Even ordinary folks who queued up for a new license at the LTO were surprised at how fast the processing was. They’re not used to that speed. It was like being “raped” by Vhong Navarro.

ruby jinggoy
THE COLD days are over. Summer is here soon. In fact, right now Jinggoy Estrada and Juan Ponce Enrile are feeling the heat.

Ruby Tuason, Erap Estrada’s friend and former social secretary is back! Tagged in the multi-billion peso pork scam, Tuason admitted, in a sworn statement, that she delivered pork barrel kickbacks to Jinggoy and Enrile since 2004! A rabid Estrada said Tuason’s allegation was a lie. It was 2005.

Jinggoy Estrada was furious. He told ABS-CBN News that Tuason brought him pancit, empanaditas and sandwiches only. And we all thought he was on a diet then.

According to Justice Secretary Leila De Lima, Ruby Tuason’s statement which corroborates the whistle-blowers’ testimony against suspected pork scammers is a “slam dunk evidence.” But even before Tuason’s statement could be made public, Jinggoy Estrada told the press he knew Tuason would pin him down. Now that’s goal tending.

The “slam dunk evidence” that was announced by Secretary De Lima was just a “lay up” according to Jinggoy Estrada. That’s FOUL! Tuason’s shot was counted.

Jinggoy Estrada said Ruby Tuason’s testimony was just a “lay up.” He insisted that “In the end, the truth will prevail and I will be vindicated.” Let’s see if he could rebound.

Addressing Ruby Tuason on TV, Jinggoy Estrada said, “Tita Ruby naman, let’s go straight to the facts. Sana po ‘wag naman tayong magsinungaling. Don’t concoct stories. Sabihin naman natin ‘yong totoo.” Even Jinggoy’s conscience was like, “That’s it. I give up.”

In her sworn affidavit, Ruby Tuason, a close friend of the Estradas, revealed Jinggoy Estrada would receive a 40-percent kickback for every pork transaction. In a televised interview, Jinggoy Estrada referred to Tuason as ‘tita.’ For a moment, I thought he said, “kita.”

Following Ruby Tuason’s revelations, rumors say Jinggoy Estrada is keen on delivering another privilege speech. Cong. Boyet Gonzales’s heart skipped a beat.

According to Jinggoy, Ruby Tuason only came back to “save her neck.” Today, Tuason responded by saying, “Because unlike him, I have a neck to save. Tse!”

RubyFortun
Raymond Fortun is the new lawyer-spokesman of mauling suspect, multimillionaire Cedric Lee. Fortun denied rumors though that he’s a better liar than Howard Calleja.

PMS
According to the 2013 Young Adult Fertility and Sexuality Study, 1 out of 3 Filipino youth (mostly in the 20-24 age bracket) had premarital sex. The other two were ‘still looking’ and ‘getting frustrated.’
————————————————
“Pigs are dirty, but I will tell you something dirtier: Liars! Untruth always smells like rotten garbage!”
~ Mehmet Murat ildan

Sound Bites
“Malinis ang kunsensya ko. I can look straight into your eyes Tita Ruby, you never brought any money to me.”
~JINGGOY Estrada

“The truth will set you free, as they say. So I decided to tell the truth so I don’t have to fear anyone. I don’t have to hide.”
~RUBY Tuason, close family friend and former Estrada aide

ICYMI
Here’s the lone Filipino Winter Olympian in Sochi, Russia: Michael Christian Martinez
#OpeningCeremony

Michael

Have a safe weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Official Gazette, Philippine Daily Inquirer, Philippine Star, ABS-CBN News, KickerDaily.com, AP]

FROZEN

ARCTIC-LIKE conditions enveloped parts of the United States and Canada. Experts say some 187 million people are feeling the effects of the extreme cold weather. In the Philippines, Senator Enrile felt nostalgic. He had a similar experience during the Ice Age.

niagara
Due to the extreme weather condition, parts of the famed Niagara Falls have become frozen. Manny Pacquiao can relate.

Because of the so-called polar vortex, the US side of the Niagara Falls has become frozen. It ain’t moving. It’s like Edsa but everyday.

Across North America, millions of people experience record-breaking low temperatures. Out there, it’s freezing like hell! I mean, it’s freezing.

Black Nazarene
On the feast day of the Black Nazarene, journalist Raissa Robles wrote a piece on the reportedly miraculous statue and suspected pork barrel scam mastermind Janet Lim-Napoles. Robles said the statue was “regularly and personally brought” to the Napoles mansion “by its priest-custodian, Monsignor Josefino Ramirez.” Apparently, Benhur Luy was not the first victim of ‘kidnapping.’

The annual procession of the Black Nazarene is held in Manila. There are several ways to get near the sculpture. You can push, you can shove. Or you can donate millions of pesos in stolen public funds.

janet 1Jinggoy
Accused last year of pocketing millions of pesos in pork barrel funds, Jinggoy Estrada is in the news again. Sen. Antonio Trillanes has slammed Jinggoy for realigning 100 million pesos of his ‘pork’ to the City of Manila where his father is the incumbent mayor. But Jinggoy insists he sees nothing wrong with that. In totally unrelated news, Cord Marine Epoxy is reportedly eyeing Jinggoy as endorser. You know, ‘Sintigas ng bakal, sintibay ng bato, sintatag ng isang blokeng semento.’

Jinggoy Estrada defended his decision to allot 100 million pesos of pork barrel funds to the City of Manila. The actor turned politician said, “That was my own initiative.” He added, “Hindi nga alam ng tatay ko ‘yan eh.” Among many other things.

Bong
On Friday, January 10, in front his friends in the entertainment press, Bong Revilla said, “Sinurrender ko na sa Lord ang lahat.” Sought for reaction, the Lord said, “I have no freakin’ idea what he’s freakin’ talking about.”

Of his pork-related woes, Bong Revilla told the entertainment press, “Sinurrender ko na sa Lord ang lahat.” And Lani Mercado was like, “Alam n’yo na kung na kanino! Kaya huwag lang manghihingi sa amin ang mga tao! Eh anong ibibigay namin?”

After being tagged in the multibillion-peso pork barrel scam, Bong Revilla announced he’ll deliver a privilege speech soon. I sincerely appreciate the senator’s concern for his countrymen. After the massive destruction caused by the Bohol quake and super typhoon Yolanda, Filipinos badly need something to laugh about.

Worst
According to a US-based financial media company, NAIA is the world’s 8th worst airport. Which raises the question, “Is this even news?” [Tell us something we don’t know.]

Not Interested
Batangas Governor Vilma Santos told ANC she’s not dreaming of the presidency. To which the ‘presidency’ replied, “Thanks!”

Peek of the Week
This devotee puts the ‘ass’ in passion. Mabuhay ka!

traslacion————————————————————–
“Without shame, without conscience.”
― Chris Galford, At Faith’s End

Sound Bites
“Alam na nga n’yang under fire s’ya, gano’n pa ang pagka-allocate n’ya. Pakapalan na lang ito.”
~Sen. Antonio Trillanes on Jinggoy Estrada

“So? So what? Is there anything wrong?”
~Jinggoy Estrada on realigning P100M of pork barrel funds to Manila

“Sinurrender ko na sa Lord ang lahat. The truth will set us free. Lugmok kami pero babangon ako!”
~ Bong Revilla

“For instance, we are now unashamed to steal when we are supposed to be ashamed of it. Ang pagnanakaw hindi na ikinahihiya ngayon. ‘Yon ang dapat ikahiya!”
~Archbishop Luis Antonio Tagle in his homily, Feast of the Black Nazarene

Have a great weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: NBC News, Rappler, Andy Bais of PDI]

RUMORS, FACTOIDS, AND HUMOR

Totally Baseless Information On or About Political Figures, People in Government, and Other Personalities In the News


1: Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile stopped eating pork and beef when he turned 80 years old. He’s now 89 and eats only fish. His all-time favorite is “GG.”

2: In her high school yearbook, Janet ‘Jenny’ Lim-Napoles was described as “Most Likely to Get Away With A Crime Due to Connections.”

3: Jinggoy Estrada is into zumba. He also attends a yoga class thrice a week.

4: When the pork barrel scam story first came out, at least nine senators opened new bank accounts in the Caribbean. One Cabinet member closed a Metrobank account.

5: Janet Lim-Napoles had a cameo in Bong Revilla’s 2002 MMFF entry “Agimat.” She played the role of a witch who terrorized a community. In the closing credits though, “Janet Napoles – As herself” appeared.

6: In her past life, lawyer Lorna Kapunan was a geisha.

untitled2
7: Incumbent Masbate governor and former representative Rizalina Seachon-Lanete (who was charged with plunder) loves the color orange. In a radio interview, she admitted that all her clothes, including her panties, brassieres, and corsets were orange. One of her daughters is named Carrota.

8: Juan Ponce Enrile’s former chief of staff, Gigi Reyes who is also facing plunder charges has left the country. She communicates with Enrile through Skype or Facetime before going to bed every night.

9: When Jeane Napoles celebrated her 18th birthday, the traditional 18 candles were replaced by 18 Rolex watches while the 18 roses became 18 Louis Vuitton bags.

10: Bong Revilla has lost 12 lbs. since the PDAF scandal broke out. He has also started taking anti-depressants.

11: After drawing flak for her controversial statement on pork barrel, Lani Mercado was ordered gagged by the Revilla clan.

12: Janet ‘Jenny’ Lim-Napoles is a dominatrix.

13: A corrupt senator’s corrupt chief of staff receives a monthly salary of P50,000 only. But every quarter, s/he gets an additional P5-million per approved transaction with a bogus NGO.

14: In grade school, Benhur Luy was once named Mr. Talent in the Mr. and Ms. Nutrition contest. His talent was forging signatures.


15: When his name was mentioned by talent manager Lolit Solis on radio, Executive Secretary Paquito ‘Jojo’ Ochoa unfriended Janet and Jimmy Napoles on Facebook. He has since deactivated the account.

16: Janet Lim-Napoles’ code name for Jojo Ochoa was ‘Tagay.’ Ochoa’s code name for Napoles was ‘ILONGga.’

17: JLN Corp’s office is at Unit 2502 in Discovery Suites. Asked why she chose 2502, Janet Napoles’ once boasted, “250 senators and congressmen mula sa two Houses of Congress ang hawak ko sa bayag.”

18: When Joseph Estrada was first told about Jinggoy Estrada’s alleged involvement in another fund scandal, he allegedly quipped, “May bago ba do’n?”

18.1: Everytime Jinggoy Estrada tells a lie, he gains a pound.

19: A recent survey revealed 6 in 10 lawmakers have met and partied with Janet Lim-Napoles. The rest are liars who are going to rot in hell anyway.

20: Former senator and now, Manila Standard Today columnist Kit Tatad will drop another bombshell: President Aquino was having dinner with Nur Misuari in Basilan when Zamboanga City was attacked by MNLF rebels.

21: Nur Misuari’s full name is Nuraanur Villamayor Misuari. His mother, Marie Lyn (who married a Muslim scholar she met in UP) was originally from Bicol.

22: On a scale of Frank Drilon to Loren Legarda, the average sexiness of senators is Nancy Binay. On a scale of Lito Lapid to Miriam Defensor-Santiago, the average Senate IQ is Tito Sotto.

23: Manny Pacquiao recites Biblical passages whenever he makes love to Jinkee.

24: A private, non-commissioned study showed DILG Sec. Mar Roxas had the longest television exposure among government officials this year on a per minute basis. As of Sept. 16, his total TV exposure was 234 minutes while President Aquino was exposed for about 198 minutes. Rounding out the top 5 were Vice President Jejomar Binay, DOJ Sec. Leila De Lima, and Health Assistant Secretary Dr. Eric Tayag.

25: Taguig City Mayor Lani Cayetano and Makati City Mayor Junjun Binay were high school sweethearts.

26: In Traveler’s Digest’s list of the 10 “Cities with the World’s Best Looking Men,” Quezon City placed seventh. Not to be outdone, another magazine named Makati City as one of the 10 “Cities in the World With the Longest-Serving Political Families in the City Hall.”

27: LTO Chief Virginia Torres is a Martin Scorsese die-hard. Her favorite Scorsese film is ‘Casino.’

28: The Ateneo De Manila Athletic Council has released an open letter to the Ateneo community enjoining them to cheer for FEU as the Tamaraws battle La Salle in the UAAP Final 4.

untitled
29: After enjoying her first MRT ride, Kris Aquino announces her three next adventures: riding a jeepney in Pasay, swimming in Lagusnilad or España on a stormy day, and taking a ferry ride to Cebu via Sulpicio Lines.

30: When he’s being playful, Sen. Koko Pimentel calls Senators Chiz Escudero and Sonny Angara “beh.”
————————————————-
“The number one rule of thieves is that nothing is too small to steal.”
~ Jimmy Breslin

Sound Bites
“In October, we will come up with the results of the audit on the Malampaya Fund. Let this serve as a heads-up. The results will be explosive.”
~COA Chief Grace Pulido-Tan

Have a safe weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

CEASEFIRE!

BREAKING: The United States has dropped its plan to attack Syria. In fact, the US government and Syria have agreed to talk peace. This was announced last night by Vice President Jejomar Binay.

untitledTruce?
On Friday night, Vice President Jejomar Binay announced that the government and the MNLF agreed to observe a ceasefire. The next day, Defense Secretary Voltaire Gazmin denied it. The military then attacked the rebels. The rebels attacked the soldiers. And netizens attacked Binay.

Reports say the military and the MNLF refused to observe a ceasefire… while some analysts believe the Vice President refused to observe protocol.

President Aquino visited Zamboanga City the other day with DILG Secretary Mar Roxas. Vice President Binay followed them on Saturday. For a moment, the President felt he was dealing with two wars.

MNLF spokesperson Emmanuel Fontanilla wants Indonesia to broker peace between the government and the MNLF. The bigger problem though is who should broker peace between Jejomar Binay and Mar Roxas.

Vice President Binay’s attempt to mediate a truce between the MNLF and the government apparently failed. In totally unrelated news, Korina Sanchez just had an awesome weekend.

Jinggoy
Lamenting media reports on his alleged involvement in the pork barrel scam, Jinggoy Estrada says, “Parang lumalabas na magnanakaw na kaming lahat.” I think the use of ‘parang’ in that statement is unnecessary.

Jinggoy, who had been jailed for corruption charges in the early 2000s added, “I created a name for myself, tapos bigla na lang sisirain basta-basta!” Sorry, it already was.

iPhone5s
The new iPhone 5s comes with a fingerprint scanner. Yes, fingerprints. The release of the phone is very timely. I think Bong Revilla, Jinggoy Estrada and Juan Ponce Enrile will agree.

Gone! Guilty?
Records show Juan Ponce Enrile’s former chief of staff, Lucila Jessica ‘Gigi’ Reyes; Joseph Estrada’s former social secretary, Ruby Tuason; Bong Revilla’s chief political adviser Richard Cambe, and former congressman Rodolfo Plaza who were among those implicated in the pork barrel scam have all LEFT the country. No one knows where they’re exactly headed or if they’re coming back. Let’s be kind to them by offering a minute of silence for the eternal repose of their souls.

Pics of the Weak
untitledAno ang itinanong ng babae sa kasamang lalaki sa larawan?
A: Boss, may FB ka ba? Add mo ‘ko, tag kita sa picture.
B: Sir, may ibang number ka ba ni Jojo Ochoa? ‘Di na nagre-reply eh.
C: Mr. President, may idini-date ka ba ngayon? May bebe gurr ako, single. Hihihi

untitledAno ang sinasabi ng babaeng nakatayo?
A: Mr. President, Madam Senator… pa-picture naman o! But if “something” happens… ‘di tayo friends huh; ‘acquaintance’ lang.
B: Sir, Ma’am… ang payat na ni Jinggoy ah. Inggit si JV n’yan!
C: Mr. President, konting space naman d’yan. Masyadong dikit ang balikat n’yo. Sumisikip eh!
——————————————————–
“There are so many attention whores out there, prostituting for people’s acknowledgment.”
~ Jason Myers, The Mission

Sound Bites
“Ako naman, inaamin ko naman na dati akong mataba na pumayat dahil nagpa-opera ako para pumayat dahil talagang shobang-shoba na ako noong araw.”
~Jinggoy Estrada on reports that Janet Napoles’ code name for him was “Sexy” after he lost considerable weight

There are only 100 days before Christmas!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine Daily Inquirer and Rappler]