NAPOLES’S SENATE SHOCKER

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HERE IS THE complete list of Janet Napoles’s shocking revelations on the pork barrel scam as told before the Senate Blue Ribbon Committee in a hearing held Thursday, November 7, 2013.
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“The cruelest lies are often told in silence.”
~ Robert Louis Stevenson

Grilled Pork
JANET LIM-NAPOLES appeared before the Senate blue ribbon committee Thursday, Nov. 7. Before the actual hearing started, Napoles took her oath. She vowed to “tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help me God.” To which, God said, “Ulol!”

Janet Lim-Napoles denied having transactions with lawmakers and said, “Nakakaawa nga po ‘yung mga senador at mga congressmen, nada-drag ang pangalan nila.” When Jinggoy Estrada heard this, he said, “Pwede na akong umuwi.”

Janet Napoles absolved lawmakers of wrongdoing. She claimed she knew nothing about the pork barrel scandal and even declared, “Wala namang scam.” She also denied that they’re rich. Just the perfect material for the next episode of ‘Kap’s Amazing Stories.’

Denying reports they’re rich, she described their status as “sakto lang.” If “sakto lang” means owning 30 cars, 28 houses, 200 Heritage Park lots, and 107 bank accounts under her name, then the rest of us are what? Echinoderms? Parameciums? Dinoflagellates?

Throughout the hearing, Janet Lim-Napoles was wearing a bullet-proof vest. For someone whose skin was beyond thick, was that even needed?

As soon as Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago was acknowledged by committee chair TG Guingona, the feisty lawmaker told Janet Napoles, “There you are. Let me take a good look at you.” Napoles felt really uncomfortable. She didn’t expect Senator Miriam to be stricter than the security in Malacañang.

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago warned Janet Lim-Napoles against Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile, one of the lawmakers being implicated in the pork barrel scam. Santiago said, “‘Wag mong i-underestimate si Enrile. May asim pa si Tanda.” To which Gigi Reyes replied, “Naman!”

The hearing lasted six hours but Janet Lim-Napoles failed to give new or substantial information on the pork barrel mess. Arnold Clavio was extremely disappointed.

Sen. Allan Peter Cayetano asked Janet Napoles, “Did you ever consider a career in government?” And Napoles was like, “The f*ck are you talking about?!? I run the government!”

untitledSound Bites
“Ewan ko ho. Hindi ko ho alam. I invoke my right blah blah blah…”
~Janet Lim-Napoles

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo: PDI, Rappler]

STATUS: IT’S COMPLICATED

SENATE PRESIDENT Franklin Drilon has agreed to sign the subpoena for Janet Lim-Napoles. The suspected pork barrel scam queen will be required to appear before the Senate soon. Analysts believe that day will be significant, historic, and extremely awkward.

1
Jinggoy and Napoles
Magandang hapon Mrs. Napoles! Ako ay isa sa mga senador na idinadawit sa pork barrel scam na diumano’y pakana mo. Balita ko, kakanta ka na raw ngayong hapon. Totoo ba?

Yes your honor.

Well, nakikinig kaming lahat. Go ahead.

Para po sa inyo ito your honor…
“Hello darkness my old friend…
I’ve come to talk with you again…”

Thank you.

Sotto and Napoles
You are under oath Mrs. Napoles. Tandaan mo ‘yan.

Copy po your honor.

Kung ‘di ka magsasabi ng totoo, puwede kang kasuhan.

Kopya po. Kopyang-kopya po your honor.

Nang-aasar ka ba?

Copy po… este. Hindi po. Thank you.

Bong Revilla and Napoles
Magandang hapon po Ms Napoles!

Kap naman! Jenny na lang. Ano ka ba? So ano na? ‘Musta na si Nay Lolit?

Mr. Chair, your honors, can I ask for a 2-minute recess?

Granted!

Drilon and Napoles
Isang tanong, isang sagot: may bahagi ba ng PDAF ko ang

Gano’n? Diretso po agad sa tanong your honor? ‘Di ba pwedeng pleasantries muna? Kumusta na po si Ma’am Mila?

Inuulit ko…

Sandali lang naman Manong Frank. ‘Di naman kayo ganyan ‘pag nasa parties namin ah. Thank you.

Lito Lapid and Napoles
Mrs. Napoles, gusto kong sabihin mo mismo sa harap ng publiko: tayo ba ay nagkaroon ng anumang transaksyong may kaugnayan sa pork barrel?

Wala po your honor!

Magaling! Salamat Mrs. Napoles!

Paanong magkakaroon eh ibinigay mong lahat ang PDAF mo kay Mrs. Victoria Sevilla Tolentino ng Innsbruck International Trading! Madamot ka your honor! Tse!

Ah, Mr. Chair, may I request that my question as well as Mrs. Napoles’s answer be stricken from the Senate record? Pwede po ba Mrs. Napoles?

Sige your honor. Pero spell ‘stricken’ muna. Thank you.

Enrile and Napoles
Mrs. Napoles, kilala mo ba ang dati kong chief of staff na si Gigi Reyes?

Mas kilala n’yo po siya.

Totoo bang madalas kayong magkita?

Hindi po kasindalas ng inyong pagkikita.

Malaki ba ang ibinigay mo sa kanya?

Bakit po? ‘Yon bang sa inyo maliit?

Kayo ba ay may mga ginawang kaduda-duda?

Mas kaduda-duda po ang ginawa n’yong dalawa. Thank you.

IN OTHER News…

1M
Folk singer Freddie Aguilar, 60 has a 16-year-old girlfriend. Age gap: 44 years Take that Hugh Hefner!

Ka Freddie is 60. His girlfriend is 16. In pop culture, we call that May 1953-December 1997 affair.

Remember when Ka Freddie Aguilar marched and fought against corruption? Minor observation lang. Wala lang.

Pop icon Freddie Aguilar who is 60 years old, has a 16-year-old girlfriend! Suddenly, people began to understand Marlene Aguilar.

Freddie Aguilar, 60 vows to marry his girlfriend when she reaches 18. Ka Freddie is optimistic about their future. I sincerely hope he gets there.

Ka Freddie has had three ex-wives. His current girlfriend should seek advice from them. They’re her future.

Pop icon Freddie Aguilar, 60 is madly in love with a 16-year-old. Or as Venus Raj would say, “Minor minor problem.”
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“Painful as it may be, a significant emotional event can be the catalyst for choosing a direction that serves us-and those around us – more effectively. Look for the learning.”
~Louisa May Alcott

Sound Bites
“Well, I fell in love. May kasabihan tayo, may batas ng tao, may batas ng puso, may batas ng Diyos. Then kung sa batas ng tao nagkamali ako then I will admit it but the difference about this is I fell in love and when I found out that she was a minor, the first thing I did was to notify the parents because I know na hindi tama. But for me to back out, we are already in love. I think it’s more damaging to her if I back out now. I didn’t ask her to choose,”
~Folk artist Freddie Aguilar, 60 on his relationship with a 16-year-old girl

And another:
“I’m here, (if) you don’t want me, I am sorry. I am Freddie Aguilar, take me for what I am. I’m not gonna be because you like me to be like this or like that, no way! I’m not a robot, I’m a human. I make mistake, I laugh, I cry, I eat, so what? Crucify me, yeah Ok but I’m still Freddie Aguilar.”

After all, Anna Dizon is still Anna Dizon.

Have a safe and fun weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

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