PLUNDER, ANNE CURTIS, JELLYFISH AND OTHER STORIES

IT’S ALMOST Holy Week. What have you given up for Lent? Smoking? Meat? Partying? That’s nothing compared to what Tanda, Pogi and Sexy are about to give up: freedom.

1plunder
For the first time in history, (three) senators have been indicted for plunder which is punishable by reclusion perpetua or life. And Senator Enrile was like, “Too late for that!”

Last Tuesday, the Office of the Ombudsman announced that it found probable cause to file plunder and graft charges against three senators, Janet Lim-Napoles, and their cohorts. According to the Ombudsman, Senator Enrile allegedly plundered P172 million; Jinggoy, P183 million, and Revilla, P242 million. To be fair to Bong, he’s a consistent topgrosser.

3Holy Land
Bong Revilla left for Jerusalem last week to pray. Last Tuesday, God gave an answer: No.

The Philippine Daily Inquirer reported that Bong Revilla met with Ping Lacson last year and asked how the once-fugitive ex-senator evaded arrest during the Arroyo administration. As expected, Revilla denied the report. Besides, if he wanted to evade arrest, he wouldn’t consult Lacson. He’ll consult his sister, Ramona Bautista (Revilla).

Interviewed on dzMM, Bong Revilla insisted, “Wala akong kasalanan. Sa mga gumagawa nito sa akin, bahala na si Lord sa inyo.” In response, the Lord said, “Thou shall not namedrop.”

1napHospital Arrest-ish
Suspected pork barrel queen Janet Lim-Napoles is now confined at the Ospital ng Makati. The period of confinement as approved by the judge covers “pre-operative, intra-operative, and post operative procedures.” In layman’s terms, “para-paraan.”

While confined at the Ospital ng Makati or OsMak, Napoles will be treated by at least six doctors plus an anaesthesiologist from the posh St. Luke’s Medical Center. The doctors will be transported to OsMak by shuttle service marked, ‘This is where your taxes go.’

On Thursday, April 3, the Manila RTC issued a freeze order on Janet Lim-Napoles’s and her family’s assets including real properties and bank accounts. In other news, doctors from St. Luke’s Medical Center have denied reports they’ll be treating Napoles.

1capBerated
Last Monday, President Aquino slammed the cop who arrested fugitive land developer Delfin Lee for talking to the media about his recent sacking and reassignment. President Aquino described Senior Supt. Conrad Capa’s behavior as a “disservice” to the PNP. Delfin Lee described President Aquino as his idol.

Kris and Herbert
Presidential sister Kris Aquino and Quezon City Mayor Herbert Bautista are reportedly “dating.” The date is ‘2016.’

Match
Columnist Ramon Tulfo says only Davao City Mayor Rodrigo Duterte can BEAT Vice President Jejomar Binay. He forgot Cedric Lee and friends.

1capAnne Curtis… Take 2!
It happened after midnight Tuesday at the birthday party of Vice Ganda. Reports say a drunk Anne Curtis shouted at young actor Sam Concepcion, “Why are you here? Who invited you? You are not classy enough to be here!” Sought for reaction, Concepcion said he’s still lucky Curtis didn’t threaten to buy him.

Moral of the story. Don’t drink and Anne.

ABS-CBN News reported that Anne Curtis got stung by a jellyfish Wednesday night. An investigation revealed that the jellyfish was a huge fan of Sam Concepcion.

A day after it was reported that a drunk Anne Curtis humiliated Sam Concepcion in a party, the Dyesebel star was stung by a jellyfish. ABS-CBN posted photos of Anne in a hospital bed. This morning, the jellyfish issued a statement denying participation in damage control.

Anne Curtis was reportedly stung by a jellyfish. The TV host/actress is now ok but the jellyfish has died of alcohol poisoning.
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“The law of karma is the principle of cosmic justice that holds that all good actions will be rewarded and that all wicked actions will be punished. Sometime. Somehow. Somewhere.”
~Chanju Mun, Buddhism and Peace

Sound Bites
“The Filipino taxpayers deserve a break from the hubris and arrogance of many lawmakers and other executive officials who thought all along that callousness as a way of life will remain unchecked as long they are in a position of power.”
~Former Senator Panfilo Lacson

“You can’t set an example if you will baby your colleagues. It should be heavy because they did not explain the use of those huge funds reaching ghost beneficiaries. How can they explain they did not guard this?”
~ Sen. Alan Peter Cayetano

Poll Results
Ano ang reaksyon mo sa balitang sina Kris Aquino at Herbert Bautista na raw?

I DON’T CARE! 53.67%
Nangangamoy 2016 ang tema ng pag-ibig na ‘yan. 25.87%
Ok lang. Kung saan sila masaya, bahala sila. 10.42%
Bakit si Herbert? Sana iba na lang. 10.04%

Jail to the thief!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Thank you ANC, Philippine Daily Inquirer, Rappler, ABS-CBN News, YahooPh/CosmoPh]

OF HONOR AND BANANAS

MICHAEL CHRISTIAN MARTINEZ, the lone Filipino Winter Olympian in Sochi arrived from Russia Sunday afternoon. The 17-year-old athlete was all smiles as adoring fans and supporters welcomed him. And then things got a bit awkward when Chavit Singson and Lito Atienza suddenly appeared in the background.

albie
Malacañang confirmed it has received a courtesy call request from the Philippine Sports Commission. But presidential spokesman Sonny Coloma said there’s no schedule yet since, “Medyo hectic ang schedule ng Pangulo sa darating na linggo dahil sa pagdiriwang ng EDSA 1 at pagpunta sa Malaysia para sa state visit.” You want the President to meet Michael in Malacañang? Here’s a tip: change his name to Janet Napoles.

Congressmen have filed a resolution commending the performance of Michael Christian Martinez in the Sochi Olympics. The lawmakers said, “He definitely did not disappoint our countrymen.” To which, Michael replied, “Sana kayo rin.”

Tito Sotto also filed a resolution commending Winter Olympian Michael Martinez. According to Sotto, “Martinez has proved to Filipinos that with perseverance, determination and hardwork, it is possible to attain and fulfill one’s goals.” I will react to this statement as soon as I’ve verified that the words used were Sotto’s and not someone else’s.

1K
Napoles, Sick?
Suspected pork barrel queen Janet Lim-Napoles has asked the court to allow her to take a medical exam after allegedly experiencing profuse mentsrual bleeding recently. Doctors have yet to confirm if it’s a case of cancer or karma.

According to Janet Napoles’s lawyer Bruce Rivera, the suspected pork barrel queen has been experiencing profuse bleeding recently. See? Even her own blood wanted out of her system.

jinPMA
For coming late to class, a graduating PMA cadet (in the running for salutatorian) was ordered dismissed. That’s the claim of Jeff Aldrin Cudia’s relatives. But the PMA insisted the dismissal had something to do with Cudia’s lying about the reason for being late thus breaking the academy’s Honor Code. The PMA’s Honor Code implores its cadets and alumni “not to lie, cheat, steal nor tolerate among them those who do.” And former Major General Carlos Garcia was like, “’Di nga?!?”

PMA 2
Just days after a PMA cadet was dismissed for being late to class, a PSG member was sacked following his arrest in Makati City for possession of several ATM cards and a scanner. Raphael Marcial, a member of PMA Class 2008 was nabbed in front of an automated teller machine (ATM) early Friday night. Sought for reaction, Marcial said, “At least I was early.”

PMA 3
Brigadier General Noel Miano was charged with sexual harassment at the Sandiganbayan for allegedly groping an 18-year-old girl in 2011. He is a member of PMA Class ’81. To be fair to Miano, the PMA’s Honor Code talks about lying, cheating, and stealing only. There’s no groping.

bela
Overseas…
Accused of corruption and human rights violations, Ukrainian dictator Viktor Yanukovych was ousted by massive protests in Kiev. Yanukovych was forced to leave the capital together with his children, and wife Imelda Romualdez Yanukovych.

A popular uprising in Kiev has ousted Ukrainian dictator Viktor Yanukovych. Sketchy reports say the disgraced leader has fled Ukraine and is headed to either Paoay or Hawaii.

Reigning world boxing champion Vitali Klitschko, is one of the more prominent leaders of the protests in Ukraine. Supporters say Klitschko is qualified to run for president in 2015. They insist that the popular boxer is decisive, brave, and an honest taxpayer.

jinIn Nicaragua…
A court has decided to try three men accused of attempting to steal two bananas valued at 32 cents. People from around the world were shocked when they heard the news – Nicaraguans steal bananas and they get to be tried in court while Filipinos steal millions and they get to deliver privilege speeches.

In Phoenix, Arizona…
A 5-year-old pit bull named Micky mauled a 4-year-old boy. The attack was so vicious everyone in the neighborhood now hates the pit bull – prompting lawyer Raymond Fortun to volunteer as the pit bull’s spokesperson.
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“Telling the truth may cause a few seconds of pain, but there’s no medicine that can manage the pain of keeping lies.”
~ R.M. Ford

Sound Bites
“If there’s any evidence against me, I will go to jail myself.”
~Joel Villanueva, TESDA director-general and former party-list representative on his alleged involvement in the pork barrel scam

Poll Results
Dapat bang tanggapin bilang state witness si Ruby Tuason?
Yes. 45%
No. 35%
Magbabasa muna ako. Wala akong alam sa issue. 20%

Have a great week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.