KRISSY/CHIZZY

KRIS AQUINO’s talk show has taped its pilot episode with Sen. Chiz Escudero as first guest. An anonymous source sent The Professional Heckler a ‘transcript’ of that exclusive interview. Enjoy!

VO: Mga Kapamilya, please welcome your host, the Queen of Talk and the Queen of All Media… Ms Kris Aquino!

SFX: Canned applause

Krissy: I am baaaaack! Good morning mga Kapamilya! At good morning din sa mga Kapuso at Kapatid na nakatutok ngayon! Mag-aminan na tayo ohkay?! Kapag pilot episode, nakatutok kayo, sure ako! At kapag mababa ang rating ko, happy kayo ‘di ba? Aminiiiin! Hay naku, I’ve matured. Wala nang effect sa ‘kin ang ratings-ratings na ‘yan. Mas marami pa rin akong endorsements kesa sa iba d’yan! Kurek?!?

Audience: Kureeek!

Krissy: Ayyyyy! Love n’yo talaga ‘ko! I love you too! You’re so alive audience. Grabeee! Oh wait, that girl sa likod ng guy na naka-blue, can you stand up please iha. Direk, puwedeng ipakita natin? There! I love your blouse, promise! What’s your name?

Girl: Hope Mayen Digby po.

Krissy: Aray ko! Sige na nga, take your seat na. Naloka ako do’n. Buti na lang, hindi Oli ang middle name mo! Otherwise, baka nag-spontaneous combustion na ako! Anyway, kung matatandaan n’yo, we had a mock episode almost a month ago with Cong. Manny Pacquiao as guest. Hindi po eere ‘yon. Today though, mapapanood ng lahat ng Kapamilya sa ABS-CBN at sa TFC ang aking exclusive interview sa una nating guest. Take note mga Kapamilya! Never pa siyang nag-grant ng one-on-one, sit-down interview kahit kanino. Sa ‘kin lang. Gano’n tayo kalakas sa kanya! Tahhhma??

Audience: Taaahma!

Krissy: Ayyyyy! Love n’yo talaga ‘ko! I love you too! Aha-ha-ha Buweno, huwag na nating patagalin pa! Ladies and gentlemen, would you please welcome… my very special guest this morning, Senator Francis Joseph ‘Chiz’ Escudero!

SFX: Canned applause

Chizzy: Hi Kris! Good morning po sa inyong lahat! Magandang umaga sa mga nanonood.

Music: Faithfully by Journey [I’m forever yours, faithfully]

Krissy: Welcome to the show Chiz! Direeeek, ano ba!? ‘Faithfully’ talaga ang song? Kaloka!
Chizzy: Bakit Kris? Faithful naman ako ah.
[Sigawan ang kinikilig na audience.]
Krissy: Hindi ko kayo kinakaya! Kakastart pa lang ng show, pinagba-blush n’yo na ako. Aha-ha-ha!

Music: I Want to Know What Love Is by Foreigner

Krissy: Stop! Stop it Direk! Ano baaa! Hindi pa nullified ang kasal ko, maawa naman kayo! Aha-ha-ha
Chizzy: Okay lang sa ‘kin ‘yon Kris!
[Sigawan ulit ang audience na mas lalong kinilig.]

Krissy: Thank you for coming Chiz. Alam n’yo po mga Kapamilya, it took our staff almost two months bago nakumbinsing mag-guest si Senator. So thankful ako sa kanya. Thank you talaga for trusting my show.
Chizzy: Sa akin ang karangalan Kris. Sino ba naman ako para tumanggi sa Queen of Talk?
Krissy: Owwwws? Talaga? Eh ba’t di ka makatingin nang diretso sa akin!? Aha-ha-ha!
Chizzy: ‘Di naman sa gano’n. Katulad nga ng sabi mo, ‘di pa nadedeklarang null ang kasal mo. Baka may magalit!
Krissy: Naku wala! Aha-ha-ha! I assure you Chiz, walang magagalit! Tama ba ako audience?

Audience: Taaahma!

Krissy: Ayyyyy! Love n’yo talaga ‘ko! I love you too! Aha-ha-ha! Tara, start na tayo!
Chizzy: Seryosong interview ba ‘to?
Krissy: Ayy no! Ayaw namin ng serious! Baka maglipat ang viewers so dapat happy, lively, yehey ang kwentuhan nating dalawa! Heto na ang first question: Senator… gumagamit ka ba ng condom?
Chizzy: This is embarrassing Kris.
Krissy: Aha-ha-ha. Nagbibiro lang ako Chiz! Gosh! Namumula ka na! I wonder what else in you is red. Ay ano ba ‘yong nasabi ko? Ano ka ba Chiz! Of course I wouldn’t ask that on TV. Siguro, later na lang. Aha-ha-ha!
Chizzy: Next!
Krissy: Ikaw daw ang nag-recommend sa kapatid ko na ilagay si Mar Roxas sa DoTC. True ba ‘to?
Chizzy: Grabe naman. Hindi naman ako gano’n ka-powerful Kris. They’re giving me too much credit. Ang totoo, it’s a collective effort of the Group.
Krizzy: And when you say ‘group,’ you mean Samar Group, right?
Chizzy: Yup! Of which you are a member!
Krissy: What did you just say? Gosh! Bawiin mo ‘yan Chiz! Ayokong madamay sa gulo n’yo ng Balay noh! Nananahimik ako!
Chizzy: Basta ang alam ko… ang ibinoto mong VP may B.
Krissy: You’re so kainizzzz! Magagalit na naman sa akin si Korina. I hate you na talaga. Kung ‘di lang ako single ngayon, ihi-hate na kita foreverrrr, promise! Am I correct, audience?

Audience: Kureeeeek!

Krissy: Ayyyyy! Love n’yo talaga ‘ko! I love you too! Aha-ha-ha! Maiba ako Chiz, when you and the President are together, nag-uusap ba kayo tungkol sa babae?
Chizzy: More of kotse actually. When it comes to women kasi, I think mas kabisado ng Balay Group ang isyu. ‘Kita mo naman no’ng manood siya ng Hotdog concert with Bunny Calica, napapaligiran siya ng allies ni Mar. Kaya kapag pumalya ang lovelife niya, alam mo na kung sinong dapat sisihin.

Krissy: Speaking of Mar, kumusta na kayo ni Ate Koring? Are you guys on speaking terms na?
Chizzy: Pass!
Krissy: Salamat sa paglilinaw! At least, maliwanag na ngayon ang lahat.

Krissy: Now, iwan na muna natin ang nakakalokang mundo ng pulitika. Punta na tayo sa isyung pinakahihintay ng mga viewers.
Chizzy: RH Bill, right?
Krissy: Wrong! Sorry ka! Mas juicy na topic ‘to.
Chizzy: Ako?
Krissy: Why? Juicy ka ba?
Chizzy: It’s for you to find out!
Krissy: Aha-ha-ha! Naughty ka na ngayon! Hindi ka naman dating ganyan Chiz! Na-cha-challenge tuloy ako! Promise!
Chizzy: So anong isyu nga ‘yon?
Krissy: Hay naku! Maang-maangan School of Edong Angara acting ka. Kahit kalat na kalat na, nagdi-deny pa. How’s your lovelife ba?
Chizzy: ‘Yon lang ba? Wala namang nagbago Kris. Mula noon hanggang ngayon, umaapaw pa rin ang aking pagmamahal sa kambal ko.
Krissy: Sa kambal lang? Eh pa’no ‘yong nanay ng kambal?
Chizzy: Let’s leave it at that.
Krissy: Mga Kapamilya, malinaw na malinaw po ang pahayag ni Senator Chiz. First and exclusive dito sa show ko: hiwalay na silang mag-asawa! I’m sure, ipi-pick up ito ng News.
Chizzy: Whaaaaat? Wala akong sinabing ganyan Kris! Bawiin mo ‘yan!
Krissy: Ay, wala ba? Pasensya na po mga Kapamilya. Nagkamali ako ng dinig. Soooooorry. Ohhhh, you’re not smiling na. Hindi ako sanay na ganyan ka Chiz. I’m very sorry talaga. Teka nga… Mga kapamilya, bagay ba kaming dalawa ni Senator?

Audience: Bagaaaaay!

Krissy: Ayyyyy! Love n’yo talaga ‘ko! I love you too! Aha-ha-ha! There! Ngumingiti na ulit si Senator. Palakpakan naman natin si Chiz!

SFX: Canned applause

Krissy: Thank you! Right now, we’ll answer a question from a member of the audience.
[Sabay-sabay na nagtaas ng kamay ang audience]

Krissy: You! Yes, you, the tall guy in white polo shirt. What’s your name?
Guy: Alvin po.
Krissy: Alvin what?
Guy: Conwi po.
Krissy: In fairness Alvin, cute ka sana. Hindi ko lang like ang last name mo! Anyway, what’s your question for Senator Chiz?
Guy: Ahm, senator, hypothetical lang po. Kung single ka at single din si Ma’am Kris, liligawan mo ba siya?
[Tilian ang audience. Kinikilig ang mga potah.]
Chizzy: ————-
Krissy: Shoccccccks! Speechless si Senator! Kaloka!
Chizzy: Hindi Kris. Kasi…
Krissy: My God, careful ka! Nakatutok ang buong Pilipinas sa ‘tin.
Chizzy: Alam n’yo mga kaibigan, hindi naman lingid sa inyong kaalaman, medyo close na rin ako sa Presidente. Ayaw kong ilagay sa…
Krissy: Hindi!!!! Yes or No lang! Liligawan mo raw ba ako kung pareho tayong available? Bilis na, naghihintay sila.
Chizzy: Bakit naman hindi, ‘di ba?
[Sigawan at palakpakan ang audience. Hinimatay ang floor director.]
Krissy: Naloloka ako sa inyo! Mas kinikilig pa kayo kesa sa aming dalawa! Hay naku! Move on na tayo! Baka magamit pa ‘yan ni Atty. Lorna Kapunan at ni James against me. Baka sabihin, lumalandi ako. Excuuuuse me! Guys, malandi ba ako?

Audience: Hindiii!

Krissy: Ayyyyy! Love n’yo talaga ‘ko! I love you too! Aha-ha-ha!

Chizzy: Matagal pa ba ‘to?
Krissy: Five minutes na lang. Do you play basketball?
Chizzy: Only if you’d watch me.
Krissy: Aray ko! Konting-konti na lang, baka malimutan kong kasal pa ako. Lord, give me strength! Aha-ha-ha! Wait! Are you in favor of divorce?
Chizzy: Yes!
Krissy: Gosh, ang bilis ng sagot! Parang may pinaghuhugutan! Aha-ha-ha Moving on… we have this segment called Lightning Round. Simply answer the questions. No need to explain. Game?
Chizzy: Game na!

Krissy: Samar or Balay?
Chizzy: Itinatanong pa ba ‘yan?

Krissy: Lights On or Lights Off?
Chizzy: Saan ka ba mas komportable?
Krissy: Lights off. Ayyyy bakit ko raw sinagot!?? Kaloka.

Krissy: Chubby or Skinny?
Chizzy: Skinny.
Krissy: Eh bakit parang nandidiri ka sa akin. Hay naku! Abangan mo ang pagpayat ko!

Krissy: Sunny side up or Scrambled Eggs?
Chizzy: Hard-boiled.
Krissy: Gosh, favorite ko din ‘yan, promise! Paano mo nalaman?!

Krissy: “Hurt me with the truth” or “Comfort me with a lie?”
Chizzy: Naranasan ko na ‘yong una eh. Sobrang sakit pala. So, try ko na lang ‘yong ‘lie.’
Krissy: Ay, ako hindi! ‘Di bale nang masaktan basta’t alam ko ang katotohanan!

Krissy: Boxers or Briefs?
Chizzy: Alamin mo na lang! Joooke!
Krissy: Kainis ka! Huwag mo ‘kong binibiro nang ganyan! Madali pa naman akong maniwala!

Krissy: In bed: would you prefer someone who’s wild or someone who’s mild?
Chizzy: Wild!!!
Krissy: Kainis ka na naman! Bakit laging tugma ang sagot mo. Wild ako eh. Goshhh!

Krissy: Anyway, maraming, maraming salamat sa pagdating mo ngayong umaga Chiz! I had so much fun, promise! Oh, wait, what’s your shoe size?
Chizzy: Eleven and a half.
Krissy: Ay, puwede na rin. At least, merong “and a half.” Aha-ha-ha
Chizzy: It’s a pleasure to be here Kris. Nag-enjoy rin ako.
Krissy: Any message sa mga viewers?
Chizzy: Matagal-tagal pa naman ang 2016 pero… sige na nga… sayang ang pagkakataon. Sa mga kapwa Pilipinong nanonood, sakali man at palarin po akong bigyan ng chance ng Samar Group na maging running mate ni Vice President Binay, ‘yon po ay magiging isang malaking karangalan para sa ‘kin. Unlike last year na nagdalawang-isip po ako, sa 2016… sure na sure na po. Mas hinog na ako kumbaga.
Krissy: Wait! Kung tatakbo kang vice president sa 2016, may plano ka bang humanap ng future Second Lady?
Chizzy: Bakit naman ako maghahanap pa kung ‘yong para sa akin ay nasa tabi-tabi lang pala?
[Sigawan ang audience. Pagod na sila sa kakasigaw. Gutom na.]
Krissy: Gosshhh! Parang gusto kong mag-blush! Sorry mga Kapamilya, hindi ko lang mapigilan ang sarili ko. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, promise!
Chizzy: Ikaw Kris, kung papipiliin ka, First Lady ng Makati o Second Lady ng Republika, anong pipiliin mo?
Krissy: Ay!! Ayokong sagutin ‘yan! Junjun Binay is probably watching right now. Ayokong makasakit ng damdamin. Aha-ha-ha Basta! Abangan na lang natin ang mangyayari sa mga susunod na araw! Willing ba kayong maghintay mga Kapamilya?

Audience: Yessssss!

Krissy: Ayyyyy! Love n’yo talaga ‘ko! I love you too! Aha-ha-ha!
————————————————————–
End of Interview

Share this on Facebook and Twitter: Add to FaceBookAdd to Twitter
I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Kris/Chiz photo grabbed from @itsmekrisaquino]

APPOINTMENTS

The Ex-President
Former president Joseph Estrada was rushed to the hospital Sunday afternoon because of profuse nose bleeding. The nosebleed happened when he tried watching “Inception” on video.

The TV Host
Breaking News! Kris Aquino’s new game show ‘Pilipinas Win na Win’ is being clobbered in the nationwide ratings game by its rival, ‘Eat Bulaga.’ To reclaim viewership, Kris is suggesting a special segment similar to the classic “Pera o Bayong” and “Kuwarta o Kahon.” It will be called “Shares of Stock o Land Distribution.”

The Palace Spokesman
Last Friday, the Supreme Court stopped the Bureau of Internal Revenue from imposing a 12 percent value-added tax on toll rates. The Professional Heckler tried to get Malacañang’s side on the issue but spokesman Edwin Lacierda was reportedly busy… blaming the Arroyo government.

The DOST Chief
Palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda insisted that no one lobbied for the appointment of DOST Secretary Mario Montejo. Lacierda said Montejo was “more than qualified” for the position; an expert inventor in the field of water filtration technology, and a brother-in-law of the executive secretary.

The Weatherman
PAGASA officer-in-charge Dr. Graciano Yumul rejected the claim of his predecessors that PAGASA’s weather satellites and other apparatus were outdated. In making that statement, Yumul hoped to clarify wrong notions about the agency; underscore the forecasting capability of the weather bureau, and justify yet again the sacking of Dr. Prisco Nilo.

The Eye Specialist
President Noynoy Aquino has recently appointed his optometrist to the Professional Regulation Commission-Board of Optometry. Last year, former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo drew flak for appointing her manicurist to the board of PAG-IBIG Fund. This tradition is widely-believed to have started when former president Fidel Ramos appointed his gardener… First Lady.

The Driver
According to reports, Kris Aquino’s driver violated the law by double parking outside the ABS-CBN compound in Quezon City last Friday. The unidentified driver who did not follow the traffic rule used to work for Vice President Jejomar Binay.
—————————–
“Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.”
~Confucius

Survey Says
Should ABS-CBN let go of Willie Revillame?
-YES. Hindi siya kawalan. 29%
-NO! Turuan ng leksyon. Buruhin ang career! 52%
-Wala akong pakialam! 19%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.


Briefly Noted
Did you catch 24 Oras’ exclusive interview with Willie Revillame last Friday, August 13? What’s happening Ms Jessica Soho? Has Revillame become that nationally significant for you to waste almost 10 minutes of airtime? Wow. Shall we brace ourselves for more shocking announcements soon? Holy Papi Batman!

Briefly Noted, Too
Lest you forget Mr. President…
[Screen cap of a news item on ABS-CBNNews.com]

Fast forward to August 2010. BIR Commissioner Kim Henares: “I will defend the 12 percent VAT on toll even in Plaza Miranda no matter what it takes.” Mga TAXil!

Have a productive week ahead!

EXCLUSIVE! Noynoy Interviews Kris

Ang Pangulo at si Kris Aquino:
The unpublished, unedited, and uncomfortable tell-all interview*

President Aquino (NOY): I must admit. Medyo kinakabahan pa ‘ko. First time kong gagawin ito at ikaw pa ang una kong interviewee. Bahala na.
Kris Aquino (KRIS): Ano ka ba Noy! ‘Di ba nag-usap na tayo? Nabrief ka na rin ni Boy at ni Tita Maria Montelibano, right? Even ian, the headwriter has talked to you. Kaloka ka huh! Meron ka namang set of questions ‘di ba? Go!

NOY: Wait, para saan nga ba ‘to?
KRIS: Hay naku! You’re so kulit! ‘Di ba I explained na nga kagabi? Last Sunday kasi, lumabas sa TV ang nanay ng future-ex husband ko; ‘yong bayaw mong babaero! The public sympathizes with him na raw according to my sources. I need your help. Kailangang bumalik sa ‘kin ang simpatya ng publiko.
NOY: Eh bakit ako? Bakit ‘di si Boy na lang?
KRIS: ‘Di pwede. Kakatapos lang ng interview niya sa akin sa SNN at The Buzz. Redundant na. Magsasawa ang tao.
NOY: So dapat talaga ako?!?
KRIS: Dapat lang ‘no! Remember, I donated 15 million pesos to your campaign!
NOY: Tsk… tsk… tsk. Sige na nga pero sa isang kondisyon!
KRIS: What?
NOY: Can we also talk about issues? I mean, mga usaping panlipunan o pulitika, para naman ‘di ako magmukhang showbiz lang.
KRIS: Deal! Start na tayo, bilis at naghihintay na sa akin si Bambi Fuentes. Boy, Ian ready na ba ang camera? Take na tayo! Game!

Tape rolling! 3… 2… 1 and … !

NOY: Mga kaibigan, ikinalulugod ko pong ipakilala sa inyo ang aking pinakabatang kapatid, Kris Aquino-Yap.
KRIS: Cut!!! Noyyyyy, ano ba? What do you mean, ipakilala??? Hello?!? I’m more famous than you ‘noh? And what’s with the Yap thing? Eeeew! Drop the Yap okay? His mom hates me na nga ‘di ba? Take 2 tayo, Boy. Gosh!
NOY: Okay! Okay! Sorry.

Take 2! Tape rolling! 3… 2… 1 and … !

NOY: Mga kababayan, nahaharap tayo sa isang sangandaan. Sa isang banda ay ang baluktot na daan. Sa kabilang banda ay ang tuwid na daan. Matagal pong naligaw…
KRIS: Cut!!! Noyyyyyy!? Tapos na ang SONA my goodness! Trabaho na tayo okay? Enough of slogans and catchphrases!
NOY: Sorry, sorry. Kinakabahan lang talaga ako. Pangako… perfect ko na ‘to!

Take 3! Tape rolling! 3… 2… 1 and … !

NOY: Mga kababayan, iisa lang ang aking bise-presidente! Si Mar Roxas ang aking bise-presidente!
KRIS: My god! Noy! The campaign is over! Accept the fact that Mar lost the polls, hello!
NOY: Sorry ulit.

Take 4! Tape rolling! 3… 2… 1 and … !

NOY: Puwedeng mag-yosi muna?
KRIS: Hell, no! Mali-late na ko! Tapusin na natin ‘to puwede ba?!
NOY: Sige na nga! Game.

Take 5! Tape rolling! 3… 2… 1 and … !

NOY: Mga kababayan, narito na po si Kris Aquino! Kris, paaaaaaasok!
KRIS: Cut!!! Noy naman! Sa ABS ‘to eere! Linya ‘yan ng newscaster sa kabila! Ano ka ba!?
NOY: Ay oo nga pala! Pasensya! Pasensya!

Take 6! Tape rolling! 3… 2… 1 and … !

NOY: Mga kaibigan, ang aking pinakabatang kapatid, si Kris Aquino.
KRIS: Hi Noy! Sorry, how do I address you nga pala? Bro? Mr. President? Kuya? Baka kasi sabihin nila rude ako if I just call you Noy.
NOY: No! Okay lang. Puwede na ‘yon.
KRIS: You look great by the way. Liz Uy, if you’re watching, you’re doing a great job on my brother. Thank you so much! Hello sa lahat ng Kapamilyang nanonood lalung-lalo na sa mga TFC subscribers.


NOY: Kris, hindi na ‘ko magpapaliguy-ligoy pa. Noong Sunday, nagsalita ang ina ni James Yap sa kabilang himpilan.
KRIS: Really?!? Gosh. Hindi ko alam. Hindi ko napanood. In fact, kung ‘di mo sinabi Noy, hindi ko malalaman! Besides, she’s not the type of person na magsasalita sa TV. I swear, napakabait at napakatahimik pong tao ng mommy ni James. That’s so sad.

NOY: Isa-isahin natin ang kanyang mga sinabi. Hindi raw talaga siya boto sa ‘yo para kay James.
KRIS: Noy, kilala mo ako. Pinalaki tayo ng ating mga magulang na may respeto sa nakakatanda sa atin. Pero kung masasakit na salita na ang ibinabato nila, siguro naman, may karapatan tayong umilag. Kung nanonood po kayo ngayon Mrs. Annie Yap: Maayos ko kayong hinarap nang bumisita ako sa Escalante City. I’m not used to spending the night in a remote village lalo na sa isang lugar na yari sa pawid at kawayan ang mga bahay. Pero tiniis ko po ‘yon dahil mahal ko ang anak n’yo. Now, kung sasabihin n’yo po na ayaw n’yo pala sa akin… magiging prangka na po ako. How sure are you na gusto ko kayo? I’m sorry Noy pero nagpapakatotoo lang ako.

NOY: Can I say something? Pasensya na po kayo Mrs. Yap. Medyo masama lang po ang…
KRIS: No! ‘Wag mo ‘kong pangunahan Noy! Magso-sorry ako kung kailangan. Next question please!

NOY: May anak na raw si James nang magpakasal kayo…
KRIS: Meron din ako! Mas malaki pa!
NOY: Oo nga noh?!? ‘Di ko naisip ‘yon ah!
KRIS: Heller! Araw-araw kayong naglalaro ng PSP, nalimutan mo na agad si Josh! Grabehhh!

NOY: Mahal mo pa ba si James?
KRIS: Mahal mo pa ba si Korina?

NOY: Sus, bakit naman ako nadamay?
KRIS: Kainis kasi ang question mo eh. I hate him! I super hate him! As in! Promise!


NOY: Moving on… sabi sa diyaryo, kayo na raw ni Makati City Mayor Junjun Binay, ‘yong partner ko sa target shooting sa Antipolo tuwing weekend. Totoo ba?
KRIS: Careful Noy. Baka magalit na naman sa ‘kin sina Mar at Korina. Alam mo namang mainit sa ‘kin ang mga friends mo sa Liberal ‘di ba? Baka isipin na naman nilang Noy-Bi ang ibinoto ko. Gosh! They’re so right! Ooops, me and my big mouth. Boy, alisin na lang sa editing ‘yong sinabi ko, okay?

NOY: So ano nga? Kayo na ba ni Junjun?
KRIS: Grabeh ka naman Noy. Mag-fi-first death anniversary pa lang on August 11 ang wife niya ‘noh? Ayokong magsalita. It’s inappropriate. Close lang kami talaga. He’s really nice to me. It’s really not the right time to speak about any romance. I admit though na malapit kami ngayon sa isa’t isa at nasa kanya ang qualities na hinahanap ko sa isang guy. Mabait, caring, thoughtful, intellectual. Pero sabi ko nga Noy, it’s inappropriate to talk about us. Pero ‘yon nga, Junjun is an ideal man. Kung makikipag-date ulit ako sa isang lalaki, siya ‘yong unang-una kong idi-date. Ewan ko lang kung pareho kami ng taste sa food pero I heard he likes paella. And I do know how to cook great paella. But then again, it’s improper to talk about dates lalo pa’t magbababang-luksa pa lang sila. Ikaw Noy, okay lang ba sa ‘yo kung lumabas kami ni Junjun? Single naman siya ‘di ba? Basta, I promise to talk about him sa appropriate time. ‘Wag ngayon. Ayaw ko munang magsalita ng kahit ano. And I mean nothing! Sorry talaga. Wala akong sasabihin! Sanga pala, Cancer siya, Aquarian ako. Compatible kaya kami?


NOY: Ano naman ‘tong nabalitaan kong pati ang kaibigan kong si Chiz Escudero eh nali-link sa ‘yo?
KRIS: Aha-ha-ha! Gosh, that’s funny. He’s married okay? Never akong pumatol sa lalaking may sabit!

NOY: Ehem… Philip Salvador.
KRIS: I mean, sa may sabit na senador! Aha-ha-ha! By the way, hello Senator Loren!


NOY: Maiba ako. Marami kasi ang nakakapansin – parang hindi mo raw type si Shalani para sa akin?
KRIS: What?! That’s unfair. That’s preposterous. That’s ridiculous. That’s baseless! We’re friends. Wait… what’s the name of that girl again?

NOY: Shalani.
KRIS: Oh, Shahani.
NOY: No! Shalani.
KRIS: Ahh, Salami.
NOY: Nang-iinsulto ka?!?
KRIS: Namumuwersa ka?!? Eh hindi ko talaga siya like eh! Anong magagawa ko? Next question!

NOY: Seryosong usapan. Ano ang naramdaman mo nang hindi maging Senate President si Kiko Pangilinan?
KRIS: Ikaw, anong naramdaman mo?
NOY: Huh?
KRIS: Aha-ha-ha! You huh! Maangmaangan school of acting ka Noy! ‘Di mo naman keri! ‘Di ba nga you sought my help pa to campaign for him? O, ‘wag kang tatanggi!
NOY: Kris naman…
KRIS: Mga kababayan, pasensya na po. Hindi good liar ‘tong presidente n’yo. Aha-ha-ha!
NOY: Pinapahiya mo ko…
KRIS: No! I’m just being honest. Kiko was your choice for the Senate presidency! Even Shawie asked me kung pwede ko raw tawagan sina Bong, Jinggoy at Tito Sen to vote for him. Unfortunately, nag-leak sa media. Hay naku Noy, ‘wag ka nang mag-deny! Aha-ha-ha!

NOY: Change topic na nga! What do you think of my Communications Group?
KRIS: I’m not really familiar with them Noy. Sorry. Ang kilala ko lang sina Manolo Quezon at Ricky Carandang kasi nakikita ko sila sa studio ng ANC. But that was before! Ngayon, ang madalas ko nang makita sa ANC… ‘yong Edwin Lacierda! Semi-regular ba siya? Aha-ha-ha!

NOY: The Marcoses are back in Congress. Bongbong is in the Senate; Mrs. Marcos is in the Lower House. Anong masasabi mo?
KRIS: You know what Noy? Ayoko nang magsalita about them out of respect na rin sa mga taong naghalal sa kanila. Let history be the judge. Naniniwala naman ako sa karma eh. Look at one of her daughters. I won’t name names pero kapag nagsasalita siya, hindi bumubuka ang kanyang bibig. If that’s not karma, I don’t know what it is. Hindi ko siya kinaya Noy! Ang weird!!!


KRIS: Wait, before I forget. I saw your photo nga pala with your first monthly paycheck. It’s splashed all over the Internet. Gosh, what were you thinking?
NOY: Bakit? Anong masama do’n? ‘Di naman pagyayabang ‘yong ginawa ko ah.
KRIS: Hello?!!! Noy naman! Why flaunt a mere 63 thousand-peso salary!?? Nakakahiya! That amount is so unCojuangco! Basta! ‘Wag mo nang uulitin!

NOY: By the way, did you read the exclusive interview of The Professional Kegler with former President Arroyo?
KRIS: Noy… Heckler not Kegler! Hindi naman siya bowler noh! Blogger siya! Anyway no, why?
NOY: There’s a Rapid Round of questions sa interview. Ako rin, merong Rapid Round for you. I’d mention names of political and entertainment figures, give me a movie title to describe them.
KRIS: Aha-ha-ha! Bahala ka Noy huh! Go ako d’yan pero walang sisihan kung may masaktan. Basta ako, magiging honest lang. Go!

NOY: Let’s start with Vice President Jojo Binay…
KRIS: Hmm, “The Dark Knight.” I love you Tito Jojo!

NOY: Former First Ladies Ming Ramos, Imelda Marcos, and Loi Estrada…
KRIS: “The Good, the Bad, and the…” I’m so bad Noy! Nagmake-peace na nga tayo sa family nila ‘di ba? Pass na lang!

NOY: Sen. Manny Villar…
KRIS: “Kung Mangarap Ka’t Magising.” Hello Nanay Curing!

NOY: Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile…
KRIS: Jurassic Park. Aha-ha-ha!

NOY: Sen. Bong Revilla…
KRIS: Ayoko! Baka magalit si Lani.
NOY: KoRni naman nito. Ano nga?
KRIS: For Bong? Hmm… SE7EN.
NOY: At sino namang nagsabi sa ‘yo?
KRIS: Noy!!!! You’re so green! SE7EN, kasi taga-kabila siya ‘noh! Gosh! Ang dirty talaga ng mind mo!

NOY:Former PAGASA chief Prisco Nilo…
KRIS: Hay naku Noy! Alam mo, madaming nagalit sa ‘yo for sacking him. You and your advisers talaga! Pati PAGASA, pinupulitika n’yo!
NOY: Bawiin mo ‘yan!
KRIS: Noooo! True naman ‘di ba? ‘Yong maliliit lang ang kaya n’yong sibakin nang biglaan sa puwesto! Basta! Wala akong title for Mr. Prisco Nilo pero may title ako para sa ‘yo at sa mga advisers mo na nagsabing ifire mo siya!
NOY: Ano ‘yon?
KRIS: “The Ant Bully!” At ‘di ko babawiin ‘yan!

NOY: Okay, next! Puregold owner Lucio Co…
KRIS: Noooooo! Endorser si Boy ng Puregold, Noy! Ayokong mag-comment.
NOY: C’mon. Alam mo naman ang isyu kay Mr. Lucio Co ‘di ba?
KRIS: Sige na nga! Pero Boy, walang personalan huh. Based lang ito sa mga naglalabasang reports since the time of former President Erap. Para kay Mr. Lucio Co? Hmm, “Big Fish.” Shockkks! Did I really say that? I just said “Big Fish” okay? I didn’t say na smuggler siya! Malinaw ‘yon huh. Wala akong sinabi about smuggling. Promise!

NOY: Vicki Belo…
KRIS: Hay naku! You’re putting me on the spot Noy! Endorser ako ng Belo Medical Clinic ‘noh!
NOY: Akala ko ba honest ka?
KRIS: Sige na nga. Pero Vicki, if you’re watching, nothing personal okay? Game lang ‘to. The movie to describe her???? Hmmm, “Face/Off.” I love you Vicki!

NOY: Finally, movie titles to describe Chiz Escudero and Junjun Binay…
KRIS: Seriously?
NOY: Yeah! Seriously!
KRIS: Honestly?
NOY: Of course!
KRIS: Katulad ng nasabi ko, I may not be perfect but I’m not a liar. So para kina Chiz and Junjun… physically? “The Hottie and the Nottie.” Gosh! I’m so mean. Pero promise, si Junjun ang pinaka-close sa akin ngayon! True ‘yan!
NOY: Salamat Kris.

KRIS: Wait!!! Bago matapos ang interview na ito Noy, gusto lang kitang tanungin. Tutal, past is past na naman ‘di ba? For a while kasi, nagkasama kami ni Korina sa isang morning show. Gusto ko lang malaman, what went wrong with your relationship? Sino ang nakipag-break?
NOY: Seriously?
KRIS: Yeah, seriously.
NOY: Honestly?
KRIS: Of course!
NOY: Well, ‘yan ang dapat nilang abangan sa susunod kong tell-all interview!
KRIS: You’re so madaya! Kainish! Nambitin pa! Is Korina a good kisser? Did she use her tongue? Gosh, I’ll wait for that interview!

NOY: Before we end this interview, what do you want to tell James in case he’s watching?
KRIS: I’m sure he’s not! Malamang nanonood na naman ‘yon ng Mr. Bean. Wala akong message! Besides, he won’t understand naman my Ateneo-accented English eh. It’ll just be a waste of my ptialina amylase!

NOY: Any final message?
KRIS: Noy, words won’t be enough to express my pride, gratitude, and happiness in having you as a brother. Sobrang proud kami nina Ate Ballsy, Ate Pinky at Ate Viel sa mga na-achieve mo… although ‘di pa masyadong marami. I’m sure, Mom and Dad are equally proud of their only son. Huwag mong bibiguin ang ating mga kababayan lalung-lalo na ang mga volunteers na sumuporta sa ‘yo. [By the way, wala ka bang maibibigay na puwesto kay Juana Change? Nagkabati na ba sila ni Attorney Lacierda?] Sana magtuluy-tuloy ang iyong magandang simula hanggang sa katapusan ng iyong termino. Magbabantay ako. Magmamasid kaming lahat. Huwag kang mag-alala. Sa 2016, kapag wala na akong problema sa personal kong buhay, baka ako na ang magpatuloy sa iyong nasimulan para sa ating bayan… ‘yon ay kung makukumbinsi ko si Chiz na kunin akong runningmate. Chizzy-Krissy, cute naman ‘di ba? Aminin mo! Catchy ‘yon!

NOY: Maraming salamat din Kris. Despite your idiosyncrasies, mahal ka pa rin ng buong pamilya. At bilang kapatid mo, wala akong masabi. Wala akong maidagdag. Wala akong choice! Maraming salamat sa iyong oras and…
KRIS: Wait! After a 45-day hiatus, my Twitter account is alive again! O, ‘wag nang tumaas ang kilay! I know, nag-promise akong ‘di na magtu-Twitter. Pero ‘di ko kaya eh! So follow me on Twitter, @iamkrisaquino! Now na! Thank you Noy!

NOY: Aren’t you gonna plug “The Price Is Right?”
KRIS: No, na! Thanks. ‘Di ako masyadong proud sa programa eh! Bye!

END OF INTERVIEW.
*Exclusive to The Professional Heckler

[Share this on Facebook. Click the FB icon.]
Add to FaceBook

REPAIRS


UNDENIABLY, the most talked about subject of conversations during the past week was the new president, Benigno Simeon ‘Noynoy’ Aquino III. In close second was the ‘wang-wang.’

The schedule of Benigno Simeon ‘Noynoy’ Aquino III on his first three days as president was really hectic. He swore into office 200 local executives, convened his cabinet for their first meeting, hosted a reception for foreign dignitaries, got stuck in heavy metro traffic, and performed two numbers in a variety show.

Arguably, the third most popular subject of the past week was the James Yap-Kris Aquino separation. Last Thursday, the basketball star released a statement saying he’ll do everything to fix his marriage, or as palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda would call it, “fine tuning.”

Presidential spokesman Edwin Lacierda couldn’t say whether President Noynoy Aquino took a rest or not on his first weekend in office. Lacierda said he didn’t know Aquino’s weekend schedule. He doesn’t seem to know anything at this moment. In fact, Lacierda’s not even sure if he’s still Aquino’s spokesman.

Memo Circular No. 1
This is embarrassing. Released on President Aquino’s first day in office, Memorandum Circular No. 1 declaring all positions of non-career executive service officials (Non-Ceso) vacant was withdrawn and reissued. I just hope they’d be successful this time because that’s exactly the same thing the Liberal Party did to Mar Roxas’ candidacy.

Mar’s Protest
Former senator Mar Roxas announced he would file an electoral protest against Vice President Jejomar Binay. Roxas loyalists believe the electoral protest will prove that he won the vice presidency and that he’s got lots and lots of spare money.

The Senate Presidency
Liberal Party’s Francis Pangilinan is confident of winning the senate presidency. He claims he has the support of Franklin Drilon, Ralph Recto, Francis Joseph Escudero, Vicente Sotto III, Teofisto Guingona III, Sergio Osmeña III, Antonio Trillanes III, Jinggoy Estrada, Juan Ponce Enrile, and Kris Aquino.

Sen. Francis Pangilinan and Sen. Manny Villar are on a collision course over the Senate presidency. Despite the backing of at least nine senators though, Pangilinan is not taking Villar lightly. As a matter of fact, Pangilinan regards Villar as the fiercest fighter he’d seen… after Sharon Cuneta.

Villar’s Bid
Reports say Sen. Manny Villar is determined to reclaim the presidency of the Senate. Aimed at helping Villar realize his dream, a rabid supporter is planning to release Sen. Francis Pangilinan’s alleged psychological and psychiatric evaluation reports next week.

Sen. Manny Villar is keen on winning the Senate presidency. In fact, Nanay Curing has been advised to prepare for a press conference.

Kris & James: A Postscript
James Yap has spoken. Addressing his wife Kris, the basketball star said, “Sa tulong ng Diyos, alam kong malalampasan natin ang pagsubok na ito!” to which God said, “Nandamay na naman!”
———————————-
“Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.”
~Napoleon Bonaparte

The Who?
Gold and Silver have called it quits. And Gold has been having sleepless nights these days. A source said, “Natatakot siyang mawalan ng trabaho. Magkasama kasi sila ni Silver sa isang programa.” History shows that everyone who got involved with Silver were either compelled to resign or terminated. The list includes Krypton, Cobalt, Calcium, and Copper. Unfortunately, the relationship is beyond repair.

Personal
Again, I hate it! PNoy, P-Noy, P’Noy or P.Noy, whatever! Tigilan na ang mga pautot na ‘yan. He’s got a name. Use it.

Survey Says
Your take on the soon-to-be officially established ‘Truth Commission:’
BILIB ako diyan. Sige, habulin si Gloria! 46%
I DOUBT kung may magagawa ‘yan. 43%
No comment. 11%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere…
Newsbreak: Lani Mercado’s pet bill

Newsbreak: Justices, dinner, and the Palawan cases

Have a productive week ahead!

ITO ANG SIMULA


President Noynoy Aquino’s Inaugural Speech:
Top 15 Rejected Opening Lines

No. 15: “I’d like to acknowledge the presence of my brother-in-law, James Yap. ‘Tol, kaya mo ‘yan!”

No. 14: “Now, for the most awaited part of my speech… drum roll please. And the DILG portfolio goes to…”

No. 13: “To all the girls I’ve loved before, ‘kala n’yo huh! Eat your hearts out!”

No. 12: “(Pssst! James! James! ‘Yun o! Third row, second from left. ‘Yung naka-sleeveless na yellow at white mini-skirt. Sexy! Kunin mo naman ‘yung number.)”

No. 11: “Gusto n’yo bang kumanta ako tonight sa street party? Gusto n’yo ba?! Wala akong marinig! Gusto n’yo bang kumanta ako tonight sa street party?!”

No. 10: “Hindi po totoong break na kami ni Shalani. Sa katunayan, nandito po siya ngayon. Ayun o! I love you Cupcake!”

No. 9: “Katulad po ng aking naipangako noong kampanya, pag-iisahin ko ang ating bayan. At bilang simula sa pagtupad sa pangakong ‘yan…. please welcome on stage, Sen. Manny Villar to draw the names of five lucky guests who shall win a house and lot each!”

No. 8: “I’d like to take this opportunity to clarify some things about the status of my lovelife. But first, thank you Kuya Noy for allowing me to speak here. You’re so bait talaga, promise.”

No. 7: “Opo, handang-handa na akong palaguin ang kita ng ating pamahalaan. Kayo po? Handa na ba kayo sa 15 percent na E-VAT?”

No. 6: “I’d like to thank Paul Cabral for my outfit and Bambi Fuentes for my hair and make up.”

No. 5: “Kasi naman eh! Bakit ‘di n’yo agad sinabing ‘No Smoking’ area ‘to?!?”

No. 4: “Everyone, your attention please! See that person beside Mar? Let me say this again. I did NOThave sexual relations with that woman!”

No. 3: “Mga kababayan… gusto n’yo bang magkabalikan sina Kris at James?”

No. 2: “Let’s have a roll call first. Hyatt 10? (Present!) The Firm? (Here!) Kamag-anak Incorporated? (Nandito! Kumpleto ulit!)”

And the No. 1 rejected opening line of Noynoy Aquino’s inaugural speech…

“Hello mic test, mic test?! Para sa ikakapanatag ng loob nating lahat: Team Roxas, please occupy the left side of the field. Team Binay, go to the right side. Thank you!”
———————————–
“Political speeches are like steer horns. A point here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between.”
~Alfred E. Neuman


Light Bites
Have you seen the Noynoy Aquino inauguration souvenir miniature dolls? I just heard the wife of a losing VP candidate has bought a dozen… plus a set of needles.

Survey Says…
If you were Chief Justice Renato Corona, would you attend Noynoy’s inauguration?
SURE, why not? 42%
NO, thanks. 47%
Let me think about it. 11%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Personal
Catch Usapang De Campanilla with Alvin Elchico and Lynda Jumilla on dzMM, nightly@8.

ONE LAST CRY?


PRESIDENT-ELECT Noynoy Aquino’s youngest sister, Kris has announced on nationwide TV that her marriage to basketball star James Yap is over. Reliable sources say a woman caused the split. She was identified as Kris Aquino.

Incoming First Sister Kris Aquino admitted Sunday that her (almost) five-year marriage to basketeer James Yap is over. James has yet to issue an official statement but close friends say the cager is elated by the commutation of his life sentence.

An unimpeachable source has revealed that while James may have lost a woman in his life, the PBA star is unfazed. After all, there’s still Hope.

Top 10 Reactions to Kris Aquino’s Announcement that Her Marriage to James Yap is Over

No. 10: Manny Pacquiao: “Una sa lahat, pasalamat aku sa ateng Mahal na Panginuun. At sa mga kababayan natin sa walang sawang pagsupurta. Basta magdasal lang kayu lagi at malalagpasan n’yu ‘yan. Kay James, kaya mu ‘yan. Kenaya ku nga ih… you know.”

No. 9: Francis Escudero: “Ang bise presidente ko… may B, at mestiza pa! Ang mister mo ba… may ‘B’ rin?”

No. 8: Noli De Castro: “Bakit ka mangungupahan pa, kung kaya namang sa Times Street na?”

No. 7: Teddyboy Locsin: “Sonofabitch! Na naman?!?”

No. 6: James Yap:Hello, Mayen? Puwede bang d’yan muna ako matulog? Kailangan ko lang ng kausap.”

No. 5: Manny Villar: “Nag-Pasko ka na bang wala ang iyong asawa? Naranasan mo na bang mawalan ng kabiyak kahit ikaw ay mapera? Pwes… ngayon, mararanasan mo na!”

No. 4: Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo: “As my father would always tell me, just do what ish right. Do what ish best, and God will take care of the ressht. Sa totoo lang, ‘noh?”

No. 3: Korina Sanchez: “What?!? Iniwan niya si James Yap?!? ‘Sabagay, nasa dugo naman nila ang nang-iiwan. ‘Di ba Mar?”

No. 2: SWS and Pulse Asia: “Magkakabalikan, 51 percent; Hindi Magkakabalikan, 47 percent; Vetellano Acosta, 2 percent.”

And the No. 1 reaction to Kris Aquino’s announcement that her marriage to James Yap is over…

James Yap’s PBA Teammates: “Pa-cheeseburger ka naman! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!”

————————-
“Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.”
~Irwin Corey

Have a productive and safe week ahead!

CLASHES

IN TELEVISION AND RADIO interviews, former Tarlac Rep. Jose ‘Peping’ Cojuangco Jr. insisted, “I never, never campaigned for (my close friend) Jojo Binay. Ako ay Noy-Mar and I supported the tandem of… ” Cojuangco was compelled to cut short his statement when he felt that his chin was starting to grow.

President-elect Noynoy Aquino’s uncle, Peping Cojuangco denied that he supported the VP bid of Jejomar Binay, and insisted that he campaigned for Mar Roxas. In fact, Roxas won in every area where Peping made a pitch for him… except in the Cojuangco household.

Kris and James Spat
Reports say the most outspoken sister of President-elect Noynoy Aquino, TV host Kris Aquino, and husband James Yap are having marital problems yet again. The latest quarrel started when Kris and James, well… got married.

Even if he’s president now, Noynoy Aquino vows to give advice to Kris, and brother-in-law, James Yap whose marriage is on the rocks again. If he’s too busy with the affairs of the state, Noynoy will just let Kris and James seek advice… from his alter ego, Mar Roxas.

To spare President-elect Noynoy Aquino from intrigues, Kris Aquino will quit SNN and The Buzz this week. To further spare President-elect Noynoy Aquino from further intrigues, Kris Aquino will quit her marriage.

According to Kris Aquino’s best friend Boy Abunda, “May pinagdadaanang seryoso ang aking kaibigan.” To give you an idea how serious Kris’ problem is, when she texted her husband and threatened to call it quits, James Yap replied, “Thankz pohwzzz lolz!”

Kris Aquino has reportedly suspended her Twitter.Com and Facebook.Com accounts. But she opened a new account in PerfectMatch.Com

Yusoph Kidnapping
Now this is insane. A son of controversial Comelec Second Division Commissioner Elias Yusoph has been kidnapped by armed men who demanded that election results in several towns in Lanao del Sur be voided. In totally unrelated news, Comelec Commissioner Gregorio Larrazabal was unable to sleep last night when losing Quezon City mayoral candidate Annie Susano asked him through text, “May anak ka na?”

DepEd vs. CBCP, Again!
An anti-family planning group led by CBCP’s former legal counsel, Jo Imbong has filed a class suit against the Department of Education seeking to stop it from teaching sex education because it makes students “sex-obsessed.” Really?!? You mean sex education is being taught in seminaries?

Smokers
According to the 2009 Global Adult Tobacco Survey, there are 17.3 million cigarette smokers in the country today. I heard they even formed a group to defend their habit. The group’s leader is called ‘president.’

Charice on Glee
Filipina singing sensation Charice will be part of the second season of the hit TV series, “Glee.” Not to be outdone, basketball star James Yap is reportedly auditioning for the next season of “The Bachelor.”

————————
“Family quarrels are bitter things. They don’t go by any rules. They’re not like aches or wounds; they’re more like splits in the skin that won’t heal because there’s not enough material.”
~F. Scott Fitzgerald

Survey Says
FVR for Ramos, PGMA for Gloria, JPE for Estrada. Ano ang dapat kay Noynoy?
PNoy (President Noynoy) 25%
PBSA (President Benigno Simeon Aquino) 7%
PNA (President Noynoy Aquino) 17%
Ambot sa imo! 51%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere
Newsbreak: The ‘influential’ Danny Lim?

Manila Standard Today: Inquirer chickens out

PDI columnist and ANC host Manolo Quezon compiled some fascinating facts and figures on Noynoy and Binay

Enjoy the rest of the week!

AND THEN THERE WERE TWO


The Proclamation: A Postscript
In today’s proclamation ceremony at the House of Representatives, Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile requested the families of both President-elect Noynoy Aquino and Vice President-elect Jejomar Binay to join the two winning candidates in front. People in the gallery knew that Noynoy’s sisters would be joining him, but others were guessing ‘which’ Binay family would come forward.

Even before the proclamation, Loren Legarda has conceded defeat to Jejomar Binay. But Legarda clarifies, she isn’t conceding yet to Noli De Castro.


Outgoing senator Mar Roxas, as we all know, is not about to concede the vice presidency to Jojo Binay. Unless Korina says so.

Sketchy reports say Jamby Madrigal, Nicanor Perlas and JC De Los Reyes might concede to Noynoy Aquino within the week. But the three losing presidential candidates swear they will never ever concede to Vetellano Acosta.

Ang Tweet Naman!
Noynoy Aquino and Jojo Binay were both proclaimed today. Would you like to know the thoughts of other political figures and celebrities about (and during) today’s event? Let’s hack into their Twitter accounts to find out! These were ‘allegedly’ posted between 2PM and 4PM.

Say_ChizEscudero Still here in the holding room. Okay na okay dito kasi may smoking area.
16 minutes ago via Twitterrific

James_YapMVP Sana pala tinapos ko muna ang game ng Boston at Lakers. Sabi kasi ni Babez, mabilis lang ang proclaimashon. Pero bakit ganito? Ang daming speech. Boring na boring na ‘ko.
16 minutes ago via UberTwitter

simplyNoynoy i forgot my Marlboro sa kotse. Pareng @Say_ChizEscudero, paiskor naman ng isang stick diyan.
14 minutes ago via Twitterrific

i_am_KrisAquino @James_YapMVP Babe, behave. Nag-usap na tayo ‘di ba? Andito sina Ate Viel at Kuya Dodo. Tsaka si Ate Pinky at Kuya Eldon. Nakakahiya kung aalis ka. ‘Di pa napu-proclaim si Kuya.
9 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone

JoseSixtoDantesIII Preparing for Senator Noy’s proclamation. Nope, Marian won’t be with me. Masama ang gising eh. Murahin ba naman ako kanina ng “put*ng-i*a!” Iniwan ko nga!
About two hours ago

Sen_Mar_Roxas This is not right. This is not just right. Ako ang dapat na nasa Batasan ngayon. Ako ang dapat na ipu-proklama!
5 minutes ago via TweetDeck

DinkySoliman I’m baaaack! Lolz!
About an hour ago

Rated_K B*llsh*t%ll#^s*h^465*&T@!! Buwisit! ^8$#%#u6#*!#0 Buwisit! Hon, nasaan ka ba? Sabi mo uuwi ka before two o’clock!
About 30 minutes ago via web

TheFirm @DinkySoliman Akala mo ikaw lang?! We’re back too! Happy days are here again! Lolz! LMAO!

BoyAbunda Can’t concentrate on the speeches. It’s so hot in here. But Dingdong Dantes is so much hotter. Kagwapong bata.
15 minutes ago via web

Sen_Mar_Roxas @Rated_K Hon, what did I tell you? Turn off the freakin’ television! I’ll be there in a while.
11 minutes ago via TweetDeck

Ogie_Songwriter @SongBird Here na ko sa Batasan. I’m flanked by Shalani and Ma’am Dinky Soliman. Will meet you at GMA Annex Bldg after the proclamation. Kailangang mag-rehearse. Talo na naman tayo ng ASAP last Sunday. Hugs!
4 minutes ago via web

NogralesINTHEHOUSE @maloumangahas_PCIJ pagkatapos nitong proclamation, mag-usap tayo. kailangang mag-usap tayo. or else…
8 minutes ago via twitterfeed

Mr_Sipag@Tiyaga Having late lunch with Nanay. Instructed my sisters not to turn the TV or radio on while the proclamation is ongoing. Masasaktan lang ang matanda.
25 minutes ago via Tumblr

Rated_K @Sen_Mar_Roxas Nakakairita! Ang ingay ng mga naka-dilaw sa gallery. I’m sure, mga bayarang squatters ‘yan na hinakot sa Makati. Mga walang class!
6 minutes ago via web

TheRealLorenLegarda *Sigh* Al Gore has flown back to the US. ‘Di man lang kami nakapag-usap. @Mr_Sipag@Tiyaga Hi to Nanay Curing. Did she like the orange duster I sent her last Monday?
18 minutes ago via Ping.fm

ka_joma_sison @KaSatur, @KaPaengMariano, @KaLizaMaza ikasa n’yo na ang pambansang kilos-protesta sa inauguration ng naghaharing uring noynoy na ‘yan! walang dapat sayanging sandali! ibagsak ang oligarkiya!
3 seconds ago via UberTwitter

JustJamby Is that Shalani Soledad beside Ogie Alcasid? Woot! Woot! Lakas ng dating niya pare! @ka_joma_sison ‘musta na po kayo? baka dumalaw ako diyan soon. regards to ka luis jalandoni
18 minutes ago via UberTwitter

comm_larrazabal seated near the aquinos and commissioner melo. naiilang ako. nakatitig lagi sa kin ‘yung friend ni kris na si paul cabral. aarrgh!
about 1 hour ago via HootSuite

Rated_K Those traitors in yellow are now chanting Noy-Bi! Noy-Bi! Eh ‘di inamin n’yo rin. Nanlaglag nga kayo noong eleksyon!
8 minutes ago via web

Say_ChizEscudero Mahirap nang patulan ang mga inggit at talunan. They have nothing to lose anyway.
25 minutes ago via txt

Rated_K @Say_ChizEscudero Ay, bakit may nagre-react? Wala naman akong binabanggit na pangalan ah.
18 minutes ago via twitterfeed

Sen_Mar_Roxas Hon, sabi nang cool ka lang eh. We’re filing an election protest soon! @ButchAbad Aabot ba ng 800 thousand ang null votes ko? Kung hindi, baka magsasayang lang tayo ng oras?
12 minutes ago via TweetDeck

GMA_RP @GaryOlivar please update me sha proclamashion gary. Shobrang lamig pala dito sa Shanghai. Feeling ko magkaka-shakit ako. Diretsho na muna ko sha Lubao pag-uwi. Bahala na kayo sa palashyo huh.
15 minutes ago via web

Rated_K Yuckkkk. Mula anak hanggang apo, maitim. Ang lakas ng loob na idisplay sa Batasan ang buong pamilya! ‘Di naman kagandahan ang lahi! Hmpf! Makapag-pa-facial na nga lang! Sayang ang oras ko sa mga traydor!
13 minutes ago via web

Rgcruz_ABSCBN @tjmanotoc and @KIKOpangilinan are you guys on Twitter now? I heard my babaeng nagwawala. Mad na mad raw habang nanonood ng proclamation. True ba?
About 1hour ago via Tumblr

tjmanotoc @Rgcruz_ABSCBN No comment. I really don’t want to get into trouble again. Ask mo na lang si @ConradDQuiros_PDI
About 30 minutes ago via web

GMA_RP Ganung kabilish? Eh bakit ‘yung proklamashyon ko, inabot ng alas-dose ng hatinggabi? @GaryOlivar Ma’am, tapos na po ang proclamation. Kaninang 4o’clock pa na-proklama ang dalawa.
18 minutes ago via twitterfeed

ConradDQuiros_PDI @tjmanotoc and @Rgcruz_ABSCBN Even here in Twitter, there’s an ongoing clash between good and evil. ‘Nuff said. @simplyNoynoy Congratulations! May the force be with you until 2016!
7 minutes ago via Twitter for BlackBerry®

GuidoDelgado_lovesNP just received a copy of a psychiatric report. this is revealing. will send copies to the media after the proclamation.

James_YapMVP @i_am_KrisAquino Babez, mauna na ‘ko. Hinahanap na raw ako ni Josh. MagDo-DotA pa kami. Love you babez.
16 minutes ago via UberTwitter

QuiboloyOnline Congratulations to our new president. Sasabihin ko na ang totoo. Ikaw talaga ang lumabas sa vision ko before the elections. Kaya lang, ‘di kita type.
half a minute ago via API

MannyVPangilinan Here’s my unsolicited advice to our new president. Noy, it is better to lead from behind and to put others in front, especially when you celebrate victory when nice things occur. You take the front line when there is danger. Then people will appreciate your leadership.
About 30 minutes ago via web

ANC_RickyCarandang @MannyVPangilinan sir, i think the advice u gave noynoy wasn’t original. That’s a quote from Nelson Mandela. You must apologize!
2 minutes ago via UberTwitter

mannypacmanpacquiao Watch up? ‘Muzta kau jan sa ating bansa? Ditu kami ni Jinkee sa Mixicu with Bob Arum. Rigards sa inyung lahat jan sa Batasan. Kay Paring Nuynuy, kungratz! Basta, pasalamat ka lang lagi kay Lord. ‘Tsaka, kaya mo ‘yan. Gudlak. At lagi kayong manood ni Shalani ng Pinuy Rikurds! Hehehe Juk lang!
1 minute ago via web

joeySalceda_of_albay Bonggang-bongga ang proclamation ni Noy! Winner! At nang dumating si Dingdong, naloka ang mga utaw! As in! I’m sure, bobongga rin ang ating ekonomiya! @dantonremoto naku naman professor, baka maunahan ka pa ni noynoy dito, nakakahiya. so fly ka na here sa resto! lafanggerzz ever! now na!
12 minutes ago via TweetDeck

GMA_RP thanks for the updates @GaryOlivar! i am starting to love shanghai, china. ooops, gtg. naghihintay na shi mike. mag-go-golf muna kami. and don’t worry gary, hindi namin kashama ang mag-ashawang jose at gina de venecia. nandiyan shila sha batashan. so it’s safe. ‘noh?
——————————–
“The President is the last person in the world to know what the people really want and think.”
~James Garfield

The Final Tally

(Note: Vetellano Acosta got 181,985 votes/Courtesy of ABS-CBN News)

Survey Says
Should ‘sex education’ be taught in grade school?
Absolutely! 64%
No way! 24%
Hmmm, i’ll think about it. 12%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Personal
And just like that, the Los Angeles Lakers have regained homecourt advantage. We’re wrapping up the series in 6! Wohoo!

For updates and more insane posts, follow me on Twitter.

IDOLS

LEE DEWYZE is the new American Idol! After a nationwide vote, the shy and humble paint store clerk from Illinois was declared winner over young mother Crystal Bowersox of Ohio. Industry analysts say though that Bowersox is a better performer than DeWyze. Well, it does happen: better performers losing the vote? Hey, it just happened right here last May 10!

Since Day 1 of American Idol Season 9, the judges have been hinting of a Crystal Bowersox win. She has always been the frontrunner… until Chiz Escudero came out with an ad supporting Lee DeWyze.

Lee DeWyze has been declared winner of American Idol Season 9. Immediately after his win, various groups advised him to quit smoking.

America has voted and Lee DeWyze is crowned the new American Idol. Guess what, something odd happened during the finalé. As the official results were being announced, Annie Susano and Robert Ace Barbers suddenly appeared and claimed that massive fraud took place during the voting.

Morato’s Claim
Former PCSO and MTRCB Chairman Manoling Morato revealed that men approached him and offered to rig the polls in favor of Gilbert Teodoro for one billion pesos. Morato was stunned! Imagine, the men were asking one billion pesos from him! He subsequently rejected the offer saying the most that he had given a man was P1,500. Two hours na ‘yon!


Transition
Representatives of Mrs. Arroyo and Noynoy Aquino are now talking about ‘smooth transition.’ Like this morning, Mrs. Arroyo’s associates toured Noynoy’s men to Malacañang’s designated smoking area.

Congressman Pacquiao
Congressman-elect Manny Pacquiao says he is set to enroll in UP in preparation for his new job as Sarangani representative. Asked if he’s enrolling in a crash course, he replied, “Kungrisista aku, hindi pilutu! Gagu!”

Not True
Singing sensation Charice Pempengco has denied rumors she will appear on the hit US TV show “Glee.” However, it has been confirmed that Mar Roxas will appear on “Lost.”

Charice Pempengco has denied rumors she will appear on “Glee.” It has been confirmed though that Manny Villar will appear on “The Biggest Loser.”

Hot Weather
The weather bureau said temperature in Metro Manila reached 38 degrees on Wednesday! Sought for comment on the hot weather, president-apparent Noynoy Aquino said, “Wala ‘yan! ‘Yung bayaw ko ngang si James Yap, kayang mag-360 degrees!”
—————————–
“If you elect a matinee idol mayor, you’re going to have a musical comedy administration.”
~Robert Moses

Survey Says
Now that Noynoy Aquino has been elected president, should he quit smoking?
YES! Para na rin sa ikabubuti ng kalusugan niya. 44%
NO! Lifestyle niya ‘yun. 17%
WALA akong pakialam kung anumang gawin n’ya sa buhay n’ya! 39%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

POSTSCRIPTS


Postscript to a
Suspected Murderer’s Story

Marlene Aguilar-Pollard says her son, Jason Aguilar Ivler “hates the Philippine government and has absolutely no respect for the Philippine government” – prompting hardcore leftist groups to offer him free membership.

Marlene Aguilar-Pollard revealed that her first lover was murdered in a Bangkok hotel by “professional killers.” Another former lover was a Colombian arms dealer while another was a convicted criminal currently jailed in England. When officials of the Asian Development Bank heard this, they immediately ordered a background check on Stephen Pollard.

Marlene Aguilar claims her son was framed by “some of the most powerful military men in America,” because she wrote a book exposing the twin towers attack as an inside job, and that American businessmen funded Nazi-Germany. By the way, Marlene is coming out soon with a new book that will expose Renato Victor Ebarle Jr’s road rage-related death as staged, and that he is still alive.

According to Marlene Aguilar-Pollard, her other son Colby is the stubborn one whom she calls names like Saddam, Damien, and Hannibal. Marlene also reveals, “Jason is the exact opposite. He never raised his voice.” He just shoots instantly!

Marlene Aguilar-Pollard says her sons, Jason and Colby are geniuses although she described Colby as hardheaded and called him names like Saddam, Damien, and Hannibal. Aside from Jason and Colby, Marlene has two other kids, Crispin and Basilio.

In a TV interview, Marlene Aguilar boasted, “My intelligence is way above most people.” She insisted though, “I’m not aware that Jason was hiding in our house.” Her intelligence was sloppy.


Postscript to a
Domestic Dispute

After spending only two days at her sister’s house, Kris Aquino has reconciled with James Yap. Because of the Mayen Austria controversy, Kris has finally realized how difficult it was to live without her husband, and how easy it was to campaign for her brother… live!

Kris Aquino and James Yap have reconciled after only two days of separation. We’ll find out if the separation has paid off as soon as the results of the next presidential survey are released.


Postscript to
a Comelec Ruling

The Commission on Elections dismissed the petition filed against the presidential bid of deposed president Joseph Estrada. A consistent third placer in various surveys, Estrada can now run in May. Due to this development, his political advisers are compelled to think of an alternative graceful exit.

Deposed president Joseph Estrada’s presidential bid has been approved by the Commission on Elections. His political advisers have started to prepare themselves for a grueling campaign and an eye-opening defeat.

In Other News…
Reports say First Gentleman Mike Arroyo is supporting the candidacy of Sen. Manuel Villar Jr… fueling speculations that Villar is a guest candidate of the First Couple.

The Commission on Elections revealed that 43,000 Filipinos have “double” registrations… to which Sen. Manuel Villar Jr. said, “Wala akong alam d’yan!”

Overseas…
The New York Times plans to charge readers for full access to its web site next year. In contrast, the Ilocos Times vows to maintain a free website and will soon start accepting editorial articles from readers – bloggers, in particular.
__________
“Hindi ko kailangang bawiin. Wala akong dapat bawiin. I am buying my dream. I am spending to achieve my dream. And that’s all it.”
~Sen. Manuel Villar Jr’s answer when a friend asked him how he intended to recover the millions of pesos he spent for his political ads if he wins the presidency
(Thanks to NLS, an avid Villar supporter and friend for this info)

Personal: The Ilocos Times
A Postscript

I just learned that Mr. Juan L. Mercado, columnist of the Philippine Daily Inquirer re-printed my two Xmas-themed posts not just once or twice but thrice – in The Bohol Chronicle, in Western Visayas’ The Daily Guardian, and in The Philippine Daily Mirror.

He claimed that it came from an email. He didn’t identify the sender though. But one thing is certain: it didn’t come from me. Fine. Sige na nga, forwarded lang sa ‘yo ‘yun.

But The Ilocos Times, where Mercado is also a columnist, reprinted it as an editorial and attributed it to him. Now that’s unacceptable.

Sige, ‘payag na ‘ko. Walang plagiarism. But to compile political humor pieces and publish them as an editorial? Funny.

Survey Says
Your take on the recommendation of 12 senators to censure Sen. Manny Villar:
Dapat lang! 57%
Nangangamoy pulitika! 34%
Wala akong pakialam! 9%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.