AYON SA MGA BITUIN IV


MAY NAGBABADYANG GULO sa paligid batay sa alignment at galaw ng mga planeta habang papalapit ang eleksyon.

Kung hindi ka mag-iingat, posibleng mahulog ka sa dagat ng basura at ikalunod mo ito. Sumaklolo man ang iyong ina ay maaaring huli na ang lahat dahil wala na siyang kakayanang lumangoy dala ng katandaan.

Kung hindi mo naman kakayanin ang bigat ng ilang problema, malaki ang posibilidad na ma-depress ka at maapektuhan ang iyong pag-iisip. Pinapayuhang sumangguni sa psychiatrist o kaya ay sa pari.

‘Yan ay dalawa lamang sa pangkalahatang basa ng mga bituin sa mga kaganapan ngayong panahon ng eleksyon. Narito naman ang espesyal na prediksyon at kapalaran para sa inyong mga paboritong kandidato.

Sinu-sino ang papalarin? Sinu-sino ang mamalasin?

Babala.
Pangitain.
AYON SA MGA BITUIN.

BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE! Bago nila ibahagi ang kanilang mga prediksyon, nais munang iparating ng mga bituin ang kanilang pakikiramay sa mga naulila ng isa nilang sugo dito sa lupa – si Jojo Acuin, ang tinaguriang Nostradamus ng Asya. Apparently, hindi nahulaan ni Mr. Acuin ang kanyang pagpanaw noong Huwebes, April 29.

NOPE! Hindi po ito si Jojo Acuin. Ito ay si dating Budget and Management Secretary Benjamin Diokno. Magkahawig lang talaga sila. Kung bakit narito ang kanyang larawan, hindi ko rin alam. Hindi ko nahulaan. At hindi maipaliwanag ng siyensya. Hayaan na lang natin, at laging tandaan…

“Hindi hawak ng mga bituin ang ating kapalaran. Gabay lamang sila. Meron tayong free will, gamitin natin ito.” – Zenaida ‘Syzygy’ Seva

Maria Ana Consuelo ‘Jamby’ Madrigal-Valade
Independent
Born: April 26, 1958
Sign: Taurus
Just when the stars thought na tapos na ang mga ‘eksena’ mo ngayong 2010, nagpasya kang mag-hunger strike hanggang Mayo a-diyes. In fairness to you, hindi halatang nabawasan ang timbang mo. Maybe it’s your bone structure. Or maybe, binobola mo lang kami at kumakain ka naman talaga kapag walang nakatingin. Tandaan ang sabi ni Confucius! God knows Hudas not eat! But just the same, saludo ang mga bituin sa iyong paninindigan. ‘Yan ang sagisag ng tunay na lalaki… este, tunay na ma-prinsipyong tao. Hindi ka man manalo sa pagka-presidente, panalo ka naman sa dami ng naipamudmod na bracelets. Congratulations!

Nicanor ‘Nick’ Perlas
Independent
Born: January 10, 1950
Sign: Capricorn
Ang isang environmental advocate na katulad mo ay tunay na kahanga-hanga. Hindi ka man palarin, magiging super busy ka pa rin pagkatapos ng May 10. Ikaw ang hihirangin ng susunod na pangulo upang mamuno sa paglilinis ng mga nagkalat na campaign posters at iba pang campaign paraphernalia sa buong Pilipinas.

Kung interesado kang maging DENR secretary sa susunod na administrasyon, ngayon pa lang ay maghanap ka na ng malakas na backer. Try mo si Kris.

John Carlos ‘JC’ De Los Reyes
Ang Kapatiran Party
Born: February 14, 1970
Sign: Aquarius
Aha! Ikaw pala ang choice ng Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines sa pagka-pangulo! Well, well, well… the stars are not surprised at all. Ayaw mo sa condom, ayaw mo sa pre-marital sex, ayaw mo sa population control, ayaw mo sa Reproductive Health Bill, ayaw mo sa lahat ng ayaw ng mga obispo. Perfect! Dahil d’yan, malaki nga ang tsansa mong maging presidente – presidente ng CBCP!

Bro. Eduardo ‘Eddie’ Villanueva
Bangon Pilipinas Movement
October 6, 1946
Sign: Libra
Ngayong darating na eleksyon, ipaparamdam ng milyun-milyon mong tagasunod ang suporta nila sa ‘yo. Maghapon at magdamag silang magdarasal para sa tagumpay mo. At ‘yan ang iyong ikakatalo! Malilimutan nilang bumoto! Good Lord!

Manuel ‘Manny’ Villar Jr.
Nacionalista Party
Born: December 13, 1949
Sign: Sagittarius
Mali ang taktika mong maglabas ng mga pekeng psychiatric reports na nagpapakitang mahina ang utak ng ‘yong pinakamahigpit na kalaban. Rule No. 1: Do not capitalize on the obvious.

Huwag ituloy ang planong airing ng TV ad kung saan makikitang nagtatampisaw ka sa dagat ng dumi ng tao kasama ang iyong mga kapatid. Lalong mahahalatang desperado na ang iyong PR group.

Mahirap mang gawin ngunit isang paraan lang ang nakikita ng mga bituin upang mapigilan ang patuloy na pagbulusok ng iyong survey rating: Bumili ng air time sa “The Buzz” para sa live interview ni Kris kay Nanay Curing!

Joseph ‘Erap’ Estrada
Puwersa ng Masang Pilipino
Born: April 19, 1937
Sign: Aries
May simpleng katanungan sa ‘yo ang mga bituin. Paano mo pag-iisahin ang watak-watak na sambayanan kung mismong sina JV at Jinggoy… tuloy ang plastikan?

Isang silahis na political adviser mo ang magsasabing magwawagi kang muli sa darating na halalan. Huwag maniwala! Ini-etchos ka lang niya. [Ang initials ng etchoserang adviser mong ito ay E.M.]

Ngunit ‘wag panghinaan ng loob. Kahit matalo… hindi ka mawawala sa mata ng publiko. Mananalong mayor ang ex mong si Ms. Guia Gomez sa lungsod ng San Juan at aalukin ka niyang maging First Gentleman! Astig, pare! FG ka na dude! ‘Di ka na ma-reach ‘tol!

Richard ‘Dick’ Gordon
Bagumbayan Party
Born: August 5, 1945
Sign: Leo
Hindi paborable ang galaw ng iyong mga planeta. Maulap din ang paligid ng mga bituing gumagabay sa ‘yo. Dahil dito, hihilingin mo sa korte na mag-issue ng TRO laban sa hulang ito. So, totoo pala ang balita – mas suplada ka pa kaysa sa iyong asawa.

Paalala ng mga bituin: Isa kang Autobot nang magsimula ang kampanya. Habang lumalapit ang araw ng eleksyon, huwag hayaang mamayani ang ugaling Decepticon. Chill.

Benigno Simeon ‘Noynoy’ Aquino III
Liberal Party
Born: February 8, 1960
Sign: Aquarius
May pangatlo, pang-apat, at panlimang psychiatric reports na lalabas. Pirmado pa rin ito ng mga paring taga-Ateneo. Ngunit mabubunyag na peke ang mga naturang dokumento. Plagiarized lang kasi ang mga ito sa mga previous psychiatric evaluation reports nina Obama, Oprah, at JK Rowling. Isa lang ang magiging reaksyon dito ng kapatid mong si Kris: “Nakakaloka!”

Ipinapayo ng mga bituin na isailalim sa loyalty check ang sarili. Sino ba talaga ang iyong bise-presidente? Si Mr. Palengke o ang kandidatong may B? Careful!

And finally…
Gilbert Teodoro
Lakas-CMD-Kampi
Born: June 14, 1964
Sign: Gemini
Panahon na para mag-move on sa pagtiwalag ng ekonomistang may initials na J.S. sa iyong partido. Makakahanap ka rin ng mas matalino at mas maganda kaysa sa kanya.

Ngayong darating na linggo, may ‘good news’ at ‘bad news’ kang matatanggap. Ang good news: mananaginip si Pastor Apollo Quiboloy at ibubulong daw sa kanya ng Diyos na ikaw ang dapat niyang iendorso. Ang bad news: Nasa panaginip ka rin niya. And you’re both naked. (Eeew!)

[Note: A day after this article was posted, Quiboloy announced his endorsement of Teodoro. Tumama ang hula ng mga bituin! The cult leader didn’t say anything though about his ‘dream.’ More on this topic in the next blog post. Do comeback for updates.]
_____________________
“Take a chance! All life is a chance. The man who goes farthest is generally the one who is willing to do and dare.”
~Dale Carnegie

From Cyberspace
Rock on!

Survey Says
On Nanay Curing Villar’s press con. Your take:
Karapatan niya ‘yun. Hayaan na natin. 29%
A desperate move by Senator Villar 66%
Sino si Nanay Curing? ‘Di ko napanood. 5%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

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CONFUSED

APOLOGIES for this very late post. There were some domestic problems that had to be addressed. Influenced by what she saw in the news, my mother’s personal manicurist quit her job to apply as a member of the board of Pag-IBIG Fund. A day later, our gardener left saying he’s confident of landing a job in the Luneta Park administration.

These people have been serving us for years! My mother felt betrayed. While delivering a speech in a community event, she broke down, openly cried and said, “Tao lang din ako, nasasaktan.” You know what happened next after her tearful speech? Malacañang offered her the job of justice secretary!

But things slowly returned to normal. After posting ‘Help Wanted’ ads, several people flocked to our house and applied for the two vacancies. My mother is finalizing the list of candidates now. To determine who’s best suited for the job, she plans to do a survey in our community… unless of course Sen. Richard Gordon intervenes, and slap her with a lawsuit.


Can you believe it? There are only 15 days left before the national elections! The tension is killing everyone. With the seemingly endless mudslinging between and among candidates, people are getting more confused. Take the case of Noynoy Aquino. The guy has two vice presidents!

During a campaign sortie up north, Sen. Noynoy Aquino reveals that when he marries, he wants vice presidential candidate Jejomar Binay to be his ring bearer saying, “‘Di ba dapat ang ring bearer ay may pinagdaanan kayo, may meaning. Maaasahan mo talaga” … to which Mar Roxas replied, “At least you know naman pala kung bakit hindi kita kinuhang ring bearer.”

As the election approaches, presidential candidates intensify their attacks against their perceived biggest rivals:. Noynoy Aquino vs. Manny Villar; Joseph Estrada vs. Manny Villar; Noynoy Aquino vs. Joseph Estrada; Gilbert Teodoro vs. Lakas leaders, and Richard Gordon vs. survey firms.

“Killing” Kris
The Aquino family has reportedly requested that Kris Aquino’s character in her primetime soap be “killed” so that she could devote more time campaigning for Noynoy. Grateful viewers lauded the Aquino family’s request and called it “heroic.”

Jamby’s Threat
Presidential candidate Jamby Madrigal threatened to go on a hunger strike unless the Commission on Elections agrees to conduct a parallel manual count of votes in next month’s automated polls. The Comelec dismissed the threat as political gimmickry claiming that Jamby was actually having weight issues and had to go on a diet.

Sen. Jamby Madrigal threatens to go on a hunger strike if the Comelec won’t conduct a parallel manual count of votes in next month’s automated elections. If that doesn’t work, she’ll do something more improbable: eat galunggong and itlog na maalat.

Quiboloy’s Birthday
Cult leader Apollo Quiboloy reveals he has not yet received any vision on the “chosen one” for the May 10 elections. Quiboloy was expecting a clear sign from Heaven last week… but Iceland’s Eyjafjallajokull Volcano erupted.

Cult leader Apollo Quiboloy who turns 60 on April 25 claims a following of six million… making him a strong candidate for spiritual adviser to the president.

Presidential candidates Noynoy Aquino, Richard Gordon, Gilbert Teodoro, Manny Villar, Bro. Eddie Villanueva and Jamby Madrigal are in Davao now for the birthday celebration of cult leader Apollo Quiboloy. Reports say the festivities include an unlimited supply of ice cream, cotton candy, and birthday cakes, as well roasted pigs and roasted cows… prompting Sen. Jamby Madrigal to abandon her threat of a hunger strike.

Reports say the very single Pastor Apollo Quiboloy has invited his closest friends and some 50,000 children to his mini-theme park in Davao for his birthday party. Among those who confirmed attendance were Elizabeth Taylor, Diana Ross, Reverend Al Sharpton, and Macaulay Culkin.

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“The only difference between a cult and a religion is the amount of real estate they own.”
~Frank Zappa

Survey Says
Naniniwala ba kayong may basbas ni Pangulong Arroyo ang pagkakabasura ng charges laban sa dalawang miyembro ng pamilya Ampatuan?
Oo! Halatang-halata! 86%
Hindi naman siguro. 13%
Anong isyu? ‘Di ko alam. 2%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere
Jejemons are taking cyberspace by storm. Know more about them, and then try to translate ‘normal’ phrases to Jejenese.

Manila Standard Today: How much does a TV executive earn yearly?

GMANews.TV: Celebrities who are running in the May 10 polls

Have a great week ahead!

DRAMA QUEEN!

Kris Aquino, Again
Did you catch the episode of “The Buzz” last Sunday? Kris Aquino cried buckets of tears while complaining against some people who were allegedly using her to attack presidential candidate Noynoy Aquino. Viewers agreed it was Aquino’s strongest performance yet as an actress.

Are you familiar with ABS-CBN’s Sunday program called “The Buzz?” The top-rating program began reformatting last Sunday: from a showbiz-oriented tak show to a “campaign paraphernalia.”

Live on nationwide TV, a tearful Kris Aquino lamented, “Ginagamit ako para sirain ang pamilya ko,” which was really ironic since it was actually her who began the ‘destruction.’

Did you see Kris Aquino on TV last Sunday? She was in tears as she talked about her brother Noynoy, her parents, her sisters, her sacrifices in the ongoing campaign, her life, and her country. After that interview, the Commission on Elections informed Noynoy Aquino that he has just consumed the allotted TV airtime for his political ads.

Did you see Kris Aquino on TV last Sunday? She was inconsolable as she talked about the candidacy of her brother Noynoy, the heroism of her parents, the generosity of her sisters, and her sacrifices in the ongoing campaign. After reviewing the episode, the Comelec considers allowing other presidential candidates’ sister, wife, brother, daughter, son or cousin to have their own “Moment Ko Rin ‘To” segment on a TV show to level the playing field.

After that emotional moment on “The Buzz,” Kris Aquino is the talk-of-the-town again. She is so popular these days, even Mar Roxas now considers withdrawing from the race and giving way to Kris.


Ano ang sinasabi ng mga taong nasa larawan?
A: “Hoy Kris! Ayusin mo nga ‘yang mga daliri mo at baka isipin nilang ikinakampanya mo si Villar!”
B: “Gosh, ang hirap ngumitee under the sun huh. Naku Noy, mas keri ko talagang mag-cry na lang sa studio. Promise!”
C: “Okay ‘tong 3-D shades ni Joshua ah. Ang linaw! Kitang-kita ‘yong mga chicks sa kalsada!”
D: “Aminin mo na Kris, iba ang level ng saya rito!”

Postscript: As I have posted on my Twitter and Facebook accounts, I refused to believe rumors that NINOY and CORY were cousins. Gano’n lang talaga si Kris.


Ano ang sinasabi ng mga taong nasa larawan?
A: “Galunggong ba ‘tong mga ‘to! Sa’n dito ang presyo?”
B: “Hoy Villar! Harapin mo ako! Huwag kang magtago sa likod ng mga kahon, duwag!”
C: [Guy in grey] “Guard, guard! Bakit nakapasok dito si Andal Ampatuan Jr.? Palabasin ‘to!”


Ano ang sinasabi ng bata sa larawan:
A: “Sorry po Senator! Nahihirapan po akong gawin ang V sign sa mga daliri ko kaya ito na lang: C sign for C-5! Joke! Joke! Joke!”
B: “Senator Villar, ako po ‘yung anak ng babaeng nakasama n’yo minsang maligo daw kayo sa dagat ng basura. Sabi po ng nanay ko, ganito lang daw po kalaki ang kuwan n’yo… ahihihi!”

Black Out in Mindanao
Reports say power outages in Mindanao have adversely affected the region’s tourism industry. The situation was so bad, even the Abu Sayyaf Group has not abducted a single tourist in months.

Arnel Pineda Apologizes
Journey frontman Arnel Pineda has apologized to the National Historical Institute for his “incorrect” rendition of the Philippine National Anthem before the Pacquiao-Clottey fight last Sunday. According to Pineda, changing the tempo of the national anthem was a “lapse in judgment.”

Arnel Pineda has apologized for the “incorrect” rendition of the “Lupang Hinirang” before the Pacquiao-Clottey fight last Sunday. Despite the apology though, members of the Hyatt 10 still demanded the resignation of Pineda from the rock group Journey.
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“Never ruin an apology with an excuse.”
~Kimberly Johnson


March 16th
On this date in…

1521: Ferdinand Magellan reaches the Philippines. He tries to befriend everyone by adding them on his Facebook account. Lapu-lapu rejects the explorer’s ‘Add Request’ and you know what happened next.

1919: A wireless telephone is invented enabling air pilots to talk in flight, and helping a Philippine presidential candidate to win an election 85 years later.

1934: The US Congress approves the Migratory Bird Conservation Act… otherwise known as “The Loren Legarda Law.”
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Survey Says…
After demolishing Joshua Clottey, what SHOULD be next for Pacquiao:
Beat Mayweather and more fights to come! 12%
Retire! You don’t need to fight anymore! 21%
Fight Mayweather! Then, win or loss, retire! 67%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Re-read It!
Apparently, some people didn’t get the “Pia-Rissa Hontiveros” joke in the previous article titled, “Ayon sa mga Bituin III.” Please re-read the post in full. Magi-gets n’yo rin.

Elsewhere
Is there truth to this rumor?

TRUST II

HEARD ABOUT the Asian Trust Poll conducted by Asian Reader’s Digest magazine? The nationwide survey showed that Rosa Rosal was the most trusted Filipino. Liberal Party standard-bearer Benigno “Noynoy” Aquino III placed fifth. When Noynoy heard the news, he challenged Rosal Rosal to a one-on-one debate.

Nacionalista Party standard-bearer Manuel Villar Jr. placed 60th in the Asian Reader’s Digest Trust Poll. Sought for comment, Villar told the media, “‘Di ako nagbabasa niyang Reader’s Digest” – to which Sen. Jamby Madrigal said, “Akala ko sasabihin mo vegetarian ka rin.”

According to a nationwide survey conducted by Asian Reader’s Digest magazine, Rosa Rosal was the most trusted Filipino. If Rosal would be able to sustain her popularity, Sen. Mar Roxas might withdraw his candidacy and give way.

In the recent Asian Reader’s Digest Trust Survey, administration bet Gilbert Teodoro ranked 65th out of 80 Filipino personalities. That was no longer surprising considering that even his own uncle and aunt distrust him.

In the recent Asian Reader’s Digest trust survey, Liberal Party standard-bearer Noynoy Aquino landed in fifth place. His sister, Kris Aquino landed on the bathroom floor.

In Hot Water
His political foes have accused Sen. Manny Villar of vote buying when he handed out 20-peso bills to indigent children during a campaign sortie in Batangas last week. But Villar’s spokesman, Gilbert Remulla insisted the NP standard-bearer was just doing an “act of charity” – in the hope of dislodging Rosa Rosal in the next Reader’s Digest survey.

Noynoy Flipflops
After repeatedly articulating his populist stance of “No New Taxes” when elected, Noynoy Aquino has apparently changed his mind and said that he’s now open to the idea. He didn’t say though which of the five factions of the Liberal Party advised him to do so.

Gays Speak
Ateneo professor Danton Remoto of ‘Ang Ladlad’ says they will not endorse a presidential candidate because three bets: Gibô, Noynoy, and Villar have equally split the votes of the party-list group’s 25,000 members nationwide. The Comelec 2nd Division lambasts ‘Ang Ladlad’s” decision and accuses the group of promoting promiscuity.

Gays Speak II
On May 10, members of the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) group “Ang Ladlad” will vote for three presidential candidates: Gilbert Teodoro, Noynoy Aquino, and Manny Villar. This just in! Supporters of Jamby Madrigal has issued a statement castigating “Ang Ladlad” for abandoning “one of their own.”

Photos of the Weak

Ano ang angkop na caption, deskripsyon, o pamagat sa larawang ito?
A: “Nakikita mo ba ‘yan iho? ‘Yan ang C5 road extension project at d‘yan kumita nang malaki ‘yung mamang naka-orange na lagi mong napapanood sa TV.”
B: “Siguro, idol mo ang kapatid kong si Kris ano? Bakit sa tanong na ‘what sound does a bee make,’ ang sagot mo ay “The Buzz!”
C: “Anak, palitan mo ‘yang sinulat mo. Ang tamang tandem ay ‘Noynoy-Mar,’ hindi ‘Noynoy-Jejomar.’


Ano ang angkop na caption, deskripsyon, o pamagat sa larawang ito?
A: “Pasensya na po. Hindi available si Jollibee kaya si Querubin ang dinala namin.”
B: “Teka, teka! saan ba ako dapat tumingin? Sinabi kasing butasan ang punyetang costume na ‘to eh! Nagpapakahirap ako ‘tapos 1,5 lang? Buwisit!”
C: “Titigan ang dalawang tao sa aking kanan. Sino sa palagay n’yo ang peke sa kanilang dalawa?”


Ano ang angkop na caption, deskripsyon, o pamagat sa larawang ito?
A: ‘Uy, buchikoi, butchikoi, come to Lolo Dick. Ang cute cute! Kamukha mo ang lola Kate Gordon mo.”
B: “‘Pag ‘di pa tumaas sa 2 percent ang rating ko, talagang nandadaya na ‘yang Pulse Asia at SWS!”
C: “Akala ng Noynoy na ‘yan, siya lang ang may kakayahang gumamit ng props na bata!”

Loud and Proud!
Will you be an honest president if elected?
Their answers:

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“The goal of modern propaganda is no longer to transform opinion but to arouse an active and mythical belief.”
~ Jacques Ellul

Survey Says
Sino ang iboboto mong VP candidate?
Binay 11%
Chipeco <1%
Fernando 31%
Legarda 4%
Manzano 5%
Roxas 46%
Sonza 1%
Yasay 2%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.


March 2nd
On this date in…
1919: Filipina heroine Melchora “Tandang Sora” Aquino dies… 107 years after Batang Sora was born.

Enjoy the rest of the week!

1-ON-1

FEBRUARY 17, Ash Wednesday marks the first day of Lent. So don’t be surprised at Napocor’s announcement that power rates are set to soar. Simula na ng Mahal na Araw.

One on One
Have you heard of the planned face-off between presidential candidates Noynoy Aquino and Manny Villar? The Liberal Party and the Nacionalista Party refer to it as a debate. I call it trending.

Sen. Manuel Villar Jr. has accepted Sen. Noynoy Aquino’s challenge for a one on one debate. However, the two parties couldn’t agree on the venue for the planned showdown. Noynoy wants to do it at SCTEx; Villar prefers C-5 Road.

Sen. Noynoy Aquino has dared Sen. Manuel Villar to a one on one debate. Villar accepted the challenge and asked Noynoy to “name the place, name the time, and I will be there” – to which Gilbert Remulla, Adel Tamano and Alan Peter Cayetano chorused, “Ows? Promise?!?”

Sen. Jamby Madrigal has also expressed interest in joining the highly anticipated debate. The lady senator reiterates she’s ready to debate anytime with anybody… except for Judy Ann Santos.

Noynoy Cries ‘Bias’
Sen. Noynoy Aquino accuses debate moderator, journalist Antonio Lopez of bias for Sen. Manny Villar during Tuesday’s presidential forum organized by the Philippine Chamber of Commerce and Industry. An awkward moment ensued when an annoyed Noynoy asked Lopez, “Who do you think you are, Ted Failon?”

Top 5 Signs that Moderator Antonio Lopez Was Biased Against Noynoy Aquino During Tuesday’s Presidential Forum

No. 5: While Villar was answering a question, Lopez interrupted him twice and said, “That’s right!” and “Exactly!” While Noynoy was answering a question, Lopez interrupted him twice and said, “Yeah right!” and “Whateverrrr, bitch!”

No. 4: After asking a question, Lopez would inform Noynoy, “You have two minutes to answer.” After asking a question, Lopez would inform Villar, “Take your time and think of an answer.”

No. 3: During his opening, Lopez introduced Villar as “the next president” and introduced Noynoy, as “the next rap star.”

No. 2: During his closing, Lopez praised Villar for his humility; applauded Gordon for his honesty; commended Gibô for his wits, and envied Noynoy for his new Berluti shoes.

And the No. 1 sign that PCCI forum moderator Antonio Lopez was biased against Noynoy…

Whenever Noynoy has answered a question, Lopez would ask the crowd, “Naniniwala ba kayo?” And whenever Villar has answered a question, Lopez would ask them, “Wala ba kayong mga kamay?”

In Other News…
Trillanes Can Post Bail

A Makati City judge has granted the request of detained senator Antonio Trillanes for temporary liberty. No wonder, security has been heightened at The Manila Peninsula.

DOH and Condoms
Volunteer health workers from the Department of Health distributed free condoms last Valentine’s Day weekend. Despite criticisms from Catholic bishops, the health workers continued to give away free condoms last Monday… until they were abducted by military men and brought to a safe house in Morong, Rizal.

Photo of the Weak

Ano ang iyong magiging reaksyon kapag nakasalubong mo siya at inabutan ka niya ng kanyang infamous bracelet?
A: “So, ito pala! Ito pala ‘yung ‘pinamudmod mo noong libing ni Tita Cory?”
B: (Sings) “Si Villar ang tunay na mahirap. Si Villar ang tunay na may malasakit!”
C: “How sweet of you madam! Matutuwa si Brownie. May bago na naman siyang toy.”
D: “Hindi ako kumakain ng bracelet! I’m a vegetarian.”
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“A politician’s goal is always to manipulate public debate. I think there are some politicians with higher goals. But all of them get corrupted by power.”
~Dean Koontz

Survey Says
Should celebrity endorsers (including actors & mass media personalities) take a leave from work during the campaign period?
DAPAT LANG. 47%
HINDI NA KAILANGAN. 39%
I DON’T CARE. 14%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

AT LEAST…

Hotspots
Hundreds of soldiers have been deployed in the province of Masbate as the May 10 election approaches. Right now, Masbate has the second most politically-charged environment in the country… next only to the Senate.


At the Senate…
Tensions flared at the Senate Monday as lawmakers debated the report of the committee of the whole on the C-5 road extension controversy. The situation got so intense the AFP had to deploy soldiers in the session hall.

Nacionalista Party standard-bearer, Sen. Manuel Villar Jr. snubbed yet again the Senate debates on the committee report on the C-5 road controversy. Villar insisted that he’ll show up at the Senate only if the debates will be held at noontime, the TV coverage of which will be annotated by Willie Revillame, and a house and lot will be raffled off before the debate is over.

Sen. Jamby Madrigal called Senator Manuel Villar a “coward” for snubbing the Senate deliberations. Sen. Aquilino Pimentel called the remark “unparliamentary.” Madrigal then labeled the minority as Villar’s “express choo-choo train of lawyers” to which an irked Pimentel retorted, “At least I’m not an abused child.” And we all thought that Marlene Aguilar was bizarre.

When Sen. Alan Peter Cayetano stated that some members of the majority had budget insertions of their own, Sen. Mar Roxas said, “No. I had no insertion on any matter. In fact, I have no insertion, period.” That explains why Korina Sanchez has been very moody lately.

Reacting to Sen. Mar Roxas’ claim that he had no insertions on any matter, Sen. Aquilino Pimentel said, “Well, well, I am sure that after your marriage, you had some insertions.” When Korina Sanchez heard this, she whispered, “I wish!”

The Senate debates on the C-5 road extension project report turned nasty when Sen. Aquilino Pimentel called Sen. Jamby Madrigal “an abused child.” And it turned nastier when a miffed Madrigal pointed her finger at Pimentel and shouted, “Corruption! Corruption!” Pimentel shouted back, “Tomboy! Tomboy!”

Another Villar ally, Alan Peter Cayetano joined the fray and called Madrigal a “saling pusa.” Madrigal replied, “At least I’m a cat, not a bitch,” to which Villar’s runningmate Sen. Loren Legarda said, “Bakit naman ako nadamay d’yan!?”

Nasty. Personal. Trashy. That’s how observers described Monday’s Senate debate over the committee of the whole report on the C-5 road extension controversy. When Sen. Jamby Madrigal called Villar’s allies as an “express choo-choo train of lawyers,” Senator Pimentel answered, “At least, I’m not an abused child.” It did not end there though. A more personal, heated exchange followed – something that escaped the TV networks.

Sen. Joker Arroyo said, “At least, I didn’t sign the same committee report twice with contrasting positions.”
… to which Sen. Francis Pangilinan said, “At least, I stood by my party’s position on the matter.”
… to which Sen. Francis Escudero said, “Thank God, I don’t have a party!”

Sen. Juan Miguel Zubiri said, “At least, nailabas ang committee report.”
… to which Sen. Noynoy Aquino said, “At least, sure ako na hindi nabili sa Quiapo ‘yan.”

Sen. Jinggoy Estrada said, “At least, I’m not a criminal.”
… to which Sen. Panfilo Lacson said, “At least, I’m not a jueteng protector.”

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago said, “At least, I’m not a cretin.”
… to which Sen. Lito Lapid said, “At least, I’m not affected. Ano ba ‘yung cretin?”

Sen. Mar Roxas said, “At least, kaya ko pang mag-insert! ‘Di tulad ng iba d’yan!”
… to which Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile said, “Akala ko ba magkakampi tayo?”

Sen. Bong Revilla said, “At least, may mga ganitong debate para magkaintindihan tayo.”
… to which Sen. Richard Gordon said, “At least, naiintindihan mo naman pala.”

Sen. Edgardo Angara said, “At least, I’m sure that this “away” will not last that long. Maaayos din ‘yan.”
… to which Sen. Noynoy Aquino again said, “At least two days, parang sina Kris and James.”
____________
“You’re so lost in the inferno of crime and dishonor, you become sickening animals, repugnant to everything that’s good about this country, everything this nation celebrates in the spirit of humanity! You are sick, awful vehicles of hate! If there is a god, he will get you, you sleazy, cancerous, infected, malignant, grotesque snakes!”
~ Asst. DA Richard Bay, “The Practice” (1999)

News/Views for Sale
A person very close to the camp of a presidential candidate reveals a prominent broadcaster is now on the candidate’s side. “Nabili” was the term used by the source. So don’t be surprised if this feisty broadcaster would go ‘soft’ on issues involving the presidential candidate. Ang tanong: magkano kaya ang talent fee niya?

Photo of the Weak
A reader of this blog pointed out the uncanny resemblance. What do you think?

Andal Ampatuan Jr. and Jamby Madrigal:
Separated at Birth?

QUIZ TIME!

YOU’VE SEEN THEM debate on TV. You’ve heard them trade barbs on radio, and you’ve read about them online and in the papers. But really, how well do you know your favorite candidates? Are you monitoring their activities religiously? How updated are you with the goings-on in our country? Take this short quiz to find out.

1) At a forum held last January 9, 2010 at De La Salle-Zobel School in Alabang, Muntinlupa City, Liberal Party standard-bearer Noynoy Aquino was asked to comment on his declining lead over Sen. Manny Villar based on the latest Social Weather Stations survey. What did Noynoy say?
A: “Bigyan n’yo po muna ako ng pagkakataong makapag-retreat ng tatlong araw upang makunsulta ko na rin ang Pink Sisters hinggil sa bagay na ‘yan. Maraming salamat po sa inyong pang-unawa.”
B: “Ah, may survey na matino, may survey na nabibili siguro sa Quiapo.”
C: “Sandali. May prepared statement ako tungkol d‘yan.”

2) Complete this line from Sen. Manny Villar’s TV ad: “Nakaligo ka na ba sa _____ __ ______?
A: “… dagat ng pera”
B: “… double budget na kalsada”
C: “… dagat ng basura”

3) What was the title of the Rico Blanco-penned composition allegedly used without permission by Gilbert Teodoro in his political advertisement?
A: Posible
B: Sorry Na, Pwede Ba
C: Nakaw na Sandali

4) “It is not Facebook that matters here; it is not your face that matters. It is the book of accounts.” Who said this line to whom?
A: Sen. Loren Legarda to Vicki Belo and Ellen Lising
B: Sen. Richard Gordon to Sen. Noynoy Aquino
C: Sen. Manny Villar to his wife Cynthia

5) When Sen. Francis Escudero quit the Nationalist People’s Coalition, he said, “Sinuman pong nagpaplanong tumakbo bilang pangulo ng bansa, wala dapat partidong kinabibilangan. Ang partido lamang dapat niya ay _____________.”
A: “Partido Komunista ng Pilipinas”
B: “Partidong handang maglaan ng malaking pondo para sa kampanya.”
C: “Pilipinas.”

6) According to defense lawyer Sigfrid Fortun, Maguindanao massacre principal suspect Andal Ampatuan Jr could speak neither English nor Filipino. Fortun insisted that Andal was conversant only in what language?
A: A mix of Yiddish and Basque
B: Maguindanaoan
C: F*ck Fortun! F*ck both of them! Liars!

7) Manny Villar : Gilbert Remulla | | Joseph Estrada : Margaux Salcedo | |
Noynoy Aquino : _____________?

A: Edwin Lacierda
B: Conrado De Quiros
C: SNN & The Buzz

8: Identify the three members of the Commission on Elections Second Division who junked the application for accreditation of the party-list group “Ang Ladlad” for allegedly “tolerating immorality.”
A: Larry, Curly, and Moe
B: Nicodemo Ferrer, Lucenito Tagle and Ellias Yusoph
C: Judas, Barrabas, and Hestas

9) In defending the poll body’s rejection of Ang Ladlad’s application for party-list accreditation, Comelec 2nd Division chairman Nicodemo Ferrer once said…
A: “They’re just not my type!”
B: “Gays are overly represented in Congress.”
C: “God knows Hudas not straight.”

10) Of the three Jun Lozadas shown here, who is running for senator?
A:
B:
C:

11) “Madami pa siyang makikilalang iba na single ‘di ba? Bakit kailangan pang sa may asawa?” Who said this line to whom?
A: Loi Estrada to Guia Gomez
B: Jinkee Pacquiao to Krista Ranillo
C: Angela Montenegro-Arroyo to Rufa Mae Quinto

12) What moniker was coined by Gilbert Remulla to describe presidential candidate Jamby Madrigal whom he accused of originating “unsubstantiated allegations” and “false claims” against her adversaries?
A: “Kuryente Queen”
B: “King of Hurts”
C: “Jack of All Tirades”

[Answers are found at the end of the blog post.]

Photo of the Weak
Ano ang angkop na caption, pamagat o deskripsyon sa larawang ito?

A: “Kung wala lang ‘yang security aide mo, inupakan na kita.”
B: “Akalain mo ‘yun?! Inabot ka ng nine years samantalang ako, ‘di man lang nakatatlo.”
C: “Sige, ngiti ka lang. Tingnan ko lang kung makangiti ka pa ‘pag nanalo si Noynoy.”
D: “Shabi ko na nga ba eh! After nine yearsshh, after nine long yearss, bitter ka pa rin.”
E: “O, may newsh crew. ‘Wag sishimangot unlessh gushto mong pag-ushapan tayo.”
________
“Rivalry adds so much to the charms of one’s conquests.”
~Louisa May Alcott

Survey Says
If Joseph Estrada decides to quit the race, who would benefit the most?
NOYNOY AQUINO 41%
GILBERT TEODORO 12%
MANNY VILLAR 48%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere
– Here’s a fearless forecast: Karen Davila will eventually transfer to ABC5 now that her husband, DJ Sta. Ana has joined the News and Public Affairs department of Mediaquest Holdings’ newest acquisition.

– Loyal viewers of TV5’s T.E.N. (The Evening News) hosted by the amiable trio of veteran journalists Jove Francisco, Martin Andanar and Cherry Mercado have appealed to Mediaquest Holding’s supreme god Manny V. Pangilinan NOT to cancel the news program.

– Here’s the list of the World’s Best and Worst Jobs 2010

Stay healthy!
________________________
Answers to Quiz
1B 2C 3A 4B 5C 6B 7A 8B 9B 10A 11B 12A

TYPHOONS!

ATY_erap Typhoon Erap
Devastates the country for two hours and then leaves. Despite the entry of a new disturbance though, it threatens to re-enter the Philippine area of responsibility.

ATY_gma Typhoon Gloria
Continues to pummel the entire Philippines for nine hours now. Gustiness rivals that of Typhoon Marcos in the ‘70s. Initial damage to agriculture is estimated at P728 million. Damage to infrastructure is unknown but initial reports say reconstruction of Macapagal Boulevard alone has cost the government P536 million. It was also able to sustain its strength after interacting with Typhoon Erap. It is forecast to remain almost stationary.

TY_MAR Typhoon Mar
Threatened to enter Philippine territory but after seeing the vigilance of Filipinos, it was forced to back out and gave way to Typhoon Noynoy.

ATY_noy Typhoon Noynoy
Initially categorized as a tropical storm until weather specialists observed a sudden rise in its gustiness and wind speed. After being officially declared a typhoon, it now brings scattered rain showers in Luzon including Metro Manila. Moderate to strong winds are expected to blow toward the Visayas and Mindanao in the coming days. [By the way, beware of typhoon Noynoy’s thunder – it wouldn’t shut up!]

ATY_villar Typhoon Villar
Earlier forecast categorized it as a “super typhoon” maintaining strength in Luzon, Visayas, and Mindanao. Roads and road extensions were damaged – twice (double devastation). But the entry of Typhoon Noynoy in Philippine territory has eclipsed its impact. The rest of the country will remain cloudy though.

ATY_bro Typhoon (Brother) Eddie:
A similarly-named typhoon entered the country in 2004 and threatened to pour 5 million centimeters of rainwater in the entire country. You know what happened. The typhoon was re-categorized as a drizzle.

ATY_bayani Typhoon Bayani
This weather disturbance was located at 14° 38′ 24″ North Northwest of Marikina City. Weather experts refused to categorize it as a typhoon because its impact is localized. It did, however attempt to pack maximum sustained winds similar to a tropical storm. But latest satellite data revealed no sign of activity.

ATY_vgibo Typhoon Gibo
It was nowhere near the Philippine area of responsibility until three hours before PAGASA made its latest forecast. In fact, typhoon Bayani’s moderate winds were already blowing east of the metro before Gibo made its presence felt and officially entered Philippine territory. The weather bureau forecasts similarities in the movements of typhoon Gibo and typhoon Gloria although both Gibo and typhoon Noynoy originated approximately 10 miles east of Central Luzon.

aty_binay Typhoon Jejomar
Described by weather specialists as “stubborn” and territorial,” this typhoon has recently threatened the whole country if not for some climatological developments. What’s alarming is that people to tend to ignore Typhoon Jejomar’s ability to destroy. It has remained stationary for 23 years (and counting).

Typhoon JDV
No heavy rains. No lightning. No flooding. It’s all thunder and wind.

ATY_chix Typhoon Loren & Typhoon Chiz
For the first time in local weather history, two typhoons entered the country at the same time making landfall on the same area. The impact is moderate though, without much damage, and both typhoons are expected to leave soon… unless either of them interact with typhoon Erap.

ATY_jamb Typhoon Jamby
The hardest to predict among the weather disturbances. Scattered raindrops will not completely wet an exposed surface regardless of duration. But the public is advised to remain cautious of lightning. Despite the rains, temperatures will remain high.

ATY_puno Typhoon Ronnie (Puno)
No satellite or surface data was made available because… “Tahimik lamang magtrabaho ang Typhoon Ronnie kaya maraming nagagawa (na damage).”
__________
“There are some things you learn best in calm, and some in storm.”
~ Willa Sibert Cather

Personal
I just read Malaya columnist Lito Banayo’s piece today, October 6. I have one word for him: peace. And to my readers, thank you so so so much. Let’s just get back to work and make this third world country a happy place to live.

Here’s that portion of Mr. Banayo’s column:
“We rushed our article last Friday the previous morning due to a series of early meetings. The night before, a friend e-mailed us this: “Several political personalities and controversial celebrities reportedly used Twitter to express their thoughts on this latest tragedy. Here are samples of unverified posted tweets.”

I saved the very wittily written “tweets”, and on Thursday morning, while I was on a rush for a scheduled meeting, I decided to use them for my Friday, October 2 column. Little did I realize at the time that the witticisms came from “the professional heckler.wordpress.com.” I even added two or so lines to what my friend sent me.

Readers informed me about my non-attribution as early as Friday afternoon, but there was no way I could apologize in print until today. So very sorry, professional heckler, and to the blog’s many followers as well.”

NOTES ON A SONA

sona
GMA’s 9th State of the Nation Address
The good news is… President Arroyo stated in her State of the Nation Address that her term would end in June 2010. The bad news is… that speech was first drafted last December 30, Rizal Day.

According to the Philippine Daily Inquirer, the president’s State of the Nation Address lasted 57 minutes & 33 seconds. That’s 50 minutes of applause, 7 minutes of critic-lashing, and 33 seconds of accomplishments.

Reports say the president’s State of the Nation Address was interrupted 126 times by applause… and at least three times when she checked on her chest for any leaks.

sona3
At one point during her address, President Arroyo acknowledged the presence of Tarnati Dannawi, a Badjao who was taught modern fish farming; he earned 180,000 pesos in one year. She then acknowledged the presence of Lito Lapid, a Kapampangan, who was taught lawmaking; he earned earned 1 billion pesos in five years.

In an apparent dig at Sen. Mar Roxas, the president said, “If you really want something done… don’t pussyfoot… don’t pander.” GMA’s allies in the gallery applauded… except for senators Lito Lapid and Bong Revilla who had to look up the words “pussyfoot” and “pander” in the dictionary.

Reacting to GMA’s tirades, Sen. Mar Roxas said “Hindi ko pinapansin ang mga ganyang banat. Ang pinapansin ko lang ay ang hinaing ng ating mga kababayan” to which Sen. Manny Villar said, “Talaga? Sige nga… mamigay ka ng anim na bahay.”

Taking swipe at former president Joseph Estrada whom she granted executive clemency, Mrs. Arroyo said, “Those who live in glass houses should cast no stones. Those who should be in jail should not threaten it, especially if they have been there.” An irate Estrada told the press, “Eh tanga pala siya eh. Semento kaya ang bahay ko!”

sonafries
SONA Fashion
Just when we thought KFC’s recent offering was the biggest… came President Arroyo’s SONA attire. Extra Large Bucket of Fries, anyone?

sona_fashion2 Sen. Jamby Madrigal described her new gown as a “modified Maria Clara.” Just like her.

Loren_back Presidential wannabe Loren Legarda recycled her outfit – a year-old fuchsia gown by designer Paul Cabral that bared her back- or as opposition stalwarts Ernie Maceda and John Osmeña would call it – backless.

Light Bites
Q: What did Mike Arroyo say when he saw Loren Legarda during GMA’s SONA?
A: Back Off!

Philippines Aquino In Other News…
Former president Cory Aquino’s cancer has reportedly spread. The cancer is spreading so rapidly… even Noynoy Aquino has lost all his hair.

Mass for Cory
Manila City Hall continues its series of healing mass for former President Corazon Aquino. But starting today, former Supreme Court justice Adolf Azcuna will not be invited.
__________
“Promises are like babies: easy to make, hard to deliver.”
~Author Unknown

Elsewhere
Manila Standard Today columnist Antonio Abaya cries censorship.

What’s more odd than a former Immigration official who eats death threats for breakfast? An ex-president who eats human flesh for dinner! Check this out.

Survey Says…
Who is the most credible among these veteran radio commentators:
Mike Enriquez: 35%
Joe Taruc: 26%
Ted Failon: 24%
Arnold Clavio: 7%
Rey Langit: 5%
Jake Maderazo: 3%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

THE LATEST PULSE

presidentiables
Pulse Asia Survey
Vice President Noli De Castro, Sen. Francis Escudero, and deposed president Joseph Estrada topped the May 4-17 survey of Pulse Asia. When Sen. Jamby Madrigal arrived at her office, her staff chorused, “Blowout! Blowout! Blowout!”

The latest Pulse Asia survey showed that Sen. Mar Roxas’ rating surged to 13 percent from 8 percent in February. That’s a really huge gain following his “noontime show” proposal to Korina Sanchez. To make sure he’ll top the next survey, Mar Roxas now considers marrying Korina Sanchez… on TV Patrol… live!

Mar Roxas attributed his five-point gain to pro-poor programs… like Wowowee.

loren_tvc Loren Legarda who obtained a rating of 12 percent last February slid to sixth place in May with only 7 percent. Alarmed by the huge drop in her rating, Loren is now searching for a man who’s willing to propose marriage to her… on “Eat Bulaga.”

In the latest Pulse Asia survey, El Shaddai leader Bro. Mike Velarde got 0.4 percent; Jesus Is Lord founder Eddie Villanueva got 0.3 percent, and Pampanga governor Father Ed Panlilio had 0.2 percent. Can you believe it? God is losing!

bayani_fernano_tarpaulin1 The latest survey showed that El Shaddai leader Bro. Mike Velarde got 0.4 percent; Jesus Is Lord founder Eddie Villanueva got 0.3 percent; MMDA Chairman Bayani Fernando got 0.3 percent, and Father Ed Panlilio got 0.2 percent. Fernando is so proud of his rating mainly because he feels like a servant of God.

Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay got only four percent in the latest Pulse Asia survey. Remember the mayor’s ad that says, Ganito kami sa Makati. Sana ganito rin sa buong bayan? Well, 96 percent of survey respondents told Pulse Asia: “Kung ganun sila sa Makati. Sila na lang!”

The latest Pulse Asia survey showed that the battle for president in 2010 remains very tight. The only thing tighter is Vicki Belo’s face.

villar_itik
SWS Survey
Beleaguered senator Manuel Villar Jr. topped the latest survey conducted by the Social Weather Stations. Sen. Jamby Madrigal has deferred her blowout.

In the latest SWS survey conducted between April 16 and May 6, 2009, Sen. Mar Roxas posted a rating of 9 percent or four percent lower than his Pulse Asia score. Therefore I conclude, more Pulse Asia respondents watch Wowowee than their SWS counterparts.

jamboy
The Senate & the Opening of Classes
June 1, Monday marked the opening of classes. Everybody went to serious work immediately. The most serious of them all was teacher Jamby! She began Day 1 with a PowerPoint presentation.

And did you see how pupils observed proper hygiene to combat the possible spread of viruses? Everyone was so serious about it. To give you an idea how serious they were, a certain Manny Villar was absent, and yet, mabilis pa sa alas-kwatrong naghugas ng kamay.

Light Bites
Noon: Ang pedicab, ginagamit sa pamamasada.
Ngayon: Ang pedicab, ginagamit sa pangangampanya.

Noon: Ang pamamanhikan, ginagawa sa sala, sa harap ng mga magulang ng nobya.
Ngayon:Ang pamamanhikan, ginagawa sa TV, sa harap ni Willie Revillame.

Noon: Ang malalaswang panoorin, pinapanood sa mga sinehan.
Ngayon: Ang malalaswang panoorin, sa Senado pinagpipiyestahan.

Noon: Ang political ads naglipana sa campaign period.
Ngayon: Ang political ads naglipana. Period.

Noon: Sa pagbabalik ng klase, ang unang binubuksan, libro. Review!
Ngayon: Sa pagbabalik ng klase, ang unang binubuksan, gripo. My flu!

Noon: Kapag may ibang mukha sa PBA, malamang, import, kadalasan Amerikano.
Ngayon: Kapag may ibang mukha sa PBA, asahan mo, purong Pilipino!

Elsewhere
Check out the Cebu inmates’ interpretation of the Academy Award-winning song by A.R. Rahman: Jai Ho.

_____________
“It does no harm just once in a while to acknowledge that the whole country isn’t in flames, that there are people in the country besides politicians, entertainers, and criminals.”
~Charles Kuralt