WELCOME!


THE GOOD NEWS is the world’s 7 billionth baby was born on October 31. The bad news is the person who did the head count died of exhaustion this morning.

The United Nations announced the birth of the world’s 7 billionth baby. Mar Roxas wants a recount.

A Filipina became the mother of the world’s symbolic 7 billionth baby yesterday. Today, Sen. Tito Sotto demanded to see the baby’s birth certificate.

Yahoo! News reported that the United Nations marked October 31 with a series of symbolic 7-billionth babies being born. Baby Danica May Camacho of the Philippines was the first. Take that China!


As I correctly predicted last October 17, the world’s (symbolic) 7 billionth baby will be born in Manila’s Fabella Memorial Hospital. What I failed to predict though was that the event will be sponsored by Goldilocks.

Baby Danica May Camacho was welcomed with a chocolate cake from the United Nations. What an unhealthy start!

Several symbolic 7 billionth babies were welcomed by mothers of different nationalities. Surprisingly, not one of those moms was Nadya Suleman.

This just in: World population will have to remain at 7 billion until experts have decided who the real 7 billionth human is!

Undas 2011
As of 3PM, Tuesday, police put the crowd estimate at the Manila North Cemetery at 1 million 100 thousand (1.1M). So far, everbody has been cooperative to authorities… except for the one million one hundred thousandth person who is demanding a chocolate cake from UN.

At 54 hectares, the Manila North Cemetery is one of the country’s biggest cemeteries. To give you an idea of how huge it is, one side is controlled by the Manila police; the opposite side is controlled by the MILF.

The Philippine National Police says the observance of Undas 2011 is “generally peaceful.” The PNP’s assessment of the peace and order situation this year is generally rehash.

Donations
A week after Malacañang admitted donating 5 million pesos to the MILF, palace officials confirmed reports that the government plans to donate some P31 million in livelihood assistance to the Alex Boncayao Brigade, a breakaway Communist group. Being enemies of the state has never been this rewarding. So if you want to rebel against the government, now is the time.

Abu Sayyaf
Despite the All Saints Day break, the military says it will not stop its offensive against the Abu Sayyaf Group until the terrorists are eliminated. Unfazed, the Abu Sayyaf Group says it will not stop its offensive against the military until it receives donation from Malacañang.

Reports say Malaysian Jemaah Islamiyah leader Zulkipli bin Hir alias Marwan, could have been killed in an airstrike in Indanan, Sulu last Sunday. But the military is still verifying the report, or as Sen. Tito Sotto would say, “Death certificate muna.”

The Ligots
The National Bureau of Investigation failed to locate former military comptroller Jacinto Ligot & wife, Erlinda. But NASA believes the couple landed somewhere in the Pacific.

Former AFP comptroller Jacinto Ligot & wife, Erlinda couldn’t be located by the NBI. Apparently, they haven’t checked Marlene Aguilar’s basement.

(Breaking News: The Ligots surfaced Wednesday at the Court of Tax Appeal.)

Charice’ Dad
Charice Pempengco’s father Ricky Pempengco was stabbed to death in San Pedro, Laguna Monday night. The international singing sensation and her mother Raquel are seeking all-out justice while Ricky Pempengco’s relatives have declared an all-out war against them.

Kim & Kris
After only 72 days, reality TV star Kim Kardashian is filing for divorce from her NBA husband, Kris Humphries. Kim made the decision after she discovered that Kris withdrew 5 million from their joint account.
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“Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.”
~ Sam Levenson


Quotes of the Week
“Hindi kami makapaniwala na may kinalaman nga siya, hangga’t hindi napapatunayan, beyond reasonable doubt, na ginawa nga niya ang ibinibintang sa kanya. Hindi pa man naililibing ang isa, isinasangkot naman ang isa pa. Gayunpaman, kung sinuman ang tunay na may kagagawan nito, kahit sino pa siya, dapat siyang managot.”
~Sen. Bong Revilla after the arrest of Ramon Joseph Bautista (Revilla) who was being tagged as the mastermind in the killing of his older brother Ram Revilla last Friday

“They may want to pay their respects to their dead. It is, after all, a tradition…”
~ NBI deputy director for intelligence serviceS, Atty. Ruel Lasala on the Ligots’ failure to surface despite the pending arrest warrants

You Have Spoken
Sa isyu ng 5 milyong pisong “donasyon” ng pamahalaang Aquino sa MILF:
-Pinapa-account naman ng administrasyon kung saan ginastos eh. Malay n’yo sa napag-usapang proyekto naman napunta! 8.67%
-Kalaban ng gobyerno, pinopondohan ng gobyerno ang proyekto? Astig huh! 82.08%
-Aalamin ko muna ang isyu. 9.25%

Have a great week! Merry Christmas!

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

THE GOOD WIVES (?)


Mrs. Ligot
A very emotional Erlinda Yambao-Ligot showed up at the Senate hearing Thursday. Apparently, nobody told her she was there for a hearing, not for a shooting.

The wife of embattled Lt. Gen. Jacinto Ligot, Erlinda Yambao-Ligot, and her brother, Edgardo Yambao showed up at the Senate Blue Ribbon Committee hearing last Thursday. Mr. Yambao opened with a prepared statement while Mrs. Ligot opened with a prepared blood pressure.

Senators failed to grill Mrs. Erlinda Yambao-Ligot when she showed up Thursday at the Senate. The wife of former military comptroller Jacinto Ligot broke into tears even before senators could throw questions at her. According to the Senate physician, Mrs. Ligot registered at least 10 BP levels during her brief appearance, and her husband wasn’t aware of it.

Congressmen were supposed to invite the wife of former military comptroller Jacinto Ligot to a separate hearing next week. But the solons had an apparent change of mind when Mrs. Ligot threatened to buy the House of Representatives.


Korina vs. Binay
The camp of Vice President Jejomar Binay has filed a complaint before the KBP against news anchor Korina Sanchez for allegedly “omitting” his name at least thrice in her spiels on TV Patrol. Sought for comment on Binay’s complaint, Korina said, “Sino ‘yon?”

This just in: An anonymous source has intercepted private messages purportedly sent to each other by the newscaster and the vice president. [We’re still verifying the authenticity of the Twitter accounts). Here are excerpts from the heated and revealing exchange.

@BinayForever: sumusobra ka na iha.
@May_K: excuse me, do i know you?

@BinayForever: huwag kang magkunwaring ‘di mo ako kakilala!
@May_K: huwag kang magkunwaring friends tayo.
@BinayForever: were we not?
@May_K: never.
@BinayForever: owws? four letters: E-R-A-P.
@May_K: you lost me there. anong kinalaman ni erap sa identity mo? hindi nga kita kilala eh.

@BinayForever: huwag na tayong magpaka-plastic. we both supported the deposed president noong kasagsagan ng mga rally against him.
@May_K: that is absurd, preposterous, and ridiculous!
@BinayForever: just like you?
@May_K: anong problema mo, maliban sa kulay mo?
@BinayForever: namemersonal ka na naman eh.
@May_K: everything is personal. ‘yong makati city hall, inangkin mo na. ‘di ba mas namemersonal ka?
@BinayForever: i was elected by the people.
@May_K: you bought them. they had no choice.
@BinayForever: huwag mong idamay ang constituents ko sa pagiging bitter mo.
@May_K: bitter? ha-ha-ha! sinong bitter? ako? ha-ha-ha!
@BinayForever: oo, ikaw! halakhak mo pa lang, amoy ampalaya na. ilang Charantia ba ang nilunok mo kagabi?
@May_K: hindi ako pumapatol sa corrupt! t#2%$7^-i*@ mo!
@BinayForever: o, nagmumura ka na. relax!

@May_K: i can’t believe you won!
@BinayForever: ako rin. ha-ha-ha

@May_K: ano ba talagang gusto mo? gulo?
@BinayForever: anong palagay mo sa akin, ikaw?

@May_K: bakit? sino bang nagreklamo sa kbp? pati programa ko, idinadamay mo pa!
@BinayForever: aling programa? ‘yong “inalis” kay karen davila?
@May_K: hindi ko gusto ang tono ng pananalita mo.
@BinayForever: hindi ko gusto ang pag-aastang-reyna mo!

@May_K: ‘wag kang makialam sa pamamalakad ng bagong news and current affairs management!
@BinayForever: you first! este, sure!

@May_K: wala ka na sa lugar. kung gusto mong maglabasan ng baho, hindi kita uurungan. wala akong itinatago.
@BinayForever: ah, ganun!!!? puwes! ako meron! maghanap ka na lang ng ibang kaaway.
@May_K: ha-ha-ha duwag, walang bayag!
@BinayForever: ha-ha-ha! bakit? ‘yong asawa mo ba meron?
@May_K: huwag mong idamay si mar. tahimik na tao ‘yon.
@BinayForever: kahit naman siguro ako ang asawa mo, tatahimik din ako!

@May_K: kung makapagsalita ka, parang ang linis-linis mo ah! parang ‘di ka nagkaroon ng kabit!
@BinayForever: wow. nagsalita ang madrasta! just so you know, alam ni dr. elenita binay ang pangangaliwa ko!
@May_K: eh ang pandarambong na ikinaso sa ‘yo, alam din niya?
@BinayForever: tanga! pareho kaming kinasuhan ng plunder! ayusin mo nga ‘yang research mo!

@May_K: ‘wag mo ‘kong diktahan kung ayaw mong masaktan!
@BinayForever: hindi ako katulong, ‘wong mo kong bantaan!
@May_K: ang kapal ng mukha mo! dismissed na ‘yong kasong ‘yan!
@BinayForever: wala akong sinabing kaso… nagi-guilty ka na naman!

@May_K: by the way, ilang taon na nga ba ang pamilya n’yo sa city hall ng makati?
@BinayForever: beinte singko, bakit?
@May_K: ay, may tawag jan!
@BinayForever: lingkod-bayan?
@May_K: reptilian!
@BinayForever: ano ‘yon?
@May_K: tukô! gecko! bobo!
@BinayForever: kung maka-bobo ka naman, baka nakakalimutan mo, i am the vice president of the land.

@May_K: humahaba na ang usapang ‘to. paano natin ito wawakasan!?
@BinayForever: galit ka ba sa ‘kin?
@May_K: ako? galit? Hindi ah! love na love nga kita eh. dahil nga sa ‘yo hindi ako naging second lady di ba? dahil rin sa ‘yo, natengga nang isang taon si mar, right? at dahil sa ‘yo, katakut-takot na panlalait at kahihiyan ang tiniis ko nang matalo ang mister ko, alam mo ba ‘yon? ako? galit?? %#24^6* mo!
@BinayForever: hahaha may funny bone ka rin pala. ‘yong bone ba ni mar, funny din?

@May_K: hindi ka nakakatawa! tapusin na natin ‘to!
@BinayForever: paano nga?
@May_K: madali lang! bawiin mo ang complaint na isinampa mo laban sa akin sa KBP!
@BinayForever: oo ba! pero sa isang kondisyon…
@May_K: what?
@BinayForever: sumumpa kang magpapakabait ka na mula ngayon.
@May_K: ganun? sige, ituloy mo na lang ang complaint mo.

-End of conversation.-
——————————–
“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
~Mahatma Gandhi

Survey Says
Sa balitaktakan ng mga anak ng dalawang dating pangulo ng bansa, kanino ka kampi?
– Team Bongbong Marcos 24.32%
– Team Noynoy Aquino 29.15%
– Wala! 46.54%

Elsewhere
Newsbreak: VP Binay’s rumor mill

Kamukha mo ba siya? The most typical face is on earth is… CLICK HERE.

Personal
“What am I gonna do
When the best part of me was always you
And what am I suppose to say
When I’m all choked up and you’re okay”

That’s from the hit song ‘Breakeven’ (a personal favorite) by the Irish band “The Script.” The trio will be performing live at the Araneta Coliseum on April 16. Tickets are now available at all Ticketnet outlets. For ticket information and reservations, please log on to http://www.ticketnet.com.ph or call Ticketnet at 911-5555. For sponsorship and preferred seating inquiries, please call 0916.688.8324 and 0921.207.2121.

Have a safe week ahead!

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COCAINE, CONDOM, QADDAFI


Singson Sentenced
After pleading guilty to cocaine trafficking, Ilocos Sur Rep. Ronald Singson was sentenced to 18 months in a Hong Kong prison. His father, Ilocos Sur Gov. Luis “Chavit” Singson tried but failed to stop the sentencing by seeking the help of Vice President Jejomar Binay.

Ilocos Sur Gov. Luis “Chavit” Singson told the press that his son Ronald was “a victim” of drug abuse. Sought for comment, ‘Drug Abuse’ denied Singson’s allegation and threatened to sue the governor for libel.

Congressman Ronald Singson has been convicted, sentenced and imprisoned. Everybody believes he’s guilty… except for his colleagues at the House of Representatives.

Actress Lovi Poe was in tears after the sentencing. For the next 18 months, she’ll definitely miss the man, the lover, and the free concert tickets.

Speaking of addicts…
The Sangguniang Barangay of Ayala Alabang in Muntinlupa City has passed an ordinance that includes a provision requiring doctor’s prescription (reseta) before someone could buy contraceptives like condoms… totally alarming village priests who are not used to doing it without rubber.

Barangay Ayala Alabang spokesperson Atty. Luis Sison says residents who will buy condoms from stores in other villages or cities will not be allowed to give them away or sell them in their barangay. First time offenders will face excommunication. Repeat offenders shall either be guillotined or burnt at the stake.

This just in! Pope Benedict XVI has just declared Barangay Ayala Alabang as the Little Vatican of Asia.

When he heard the news about the controversial ordinance of the Sangguniang Barangay of Ayala Alabang, Atty. Adel Tamano posted on Twitter, “That’s unconstitutional.” RH Bill proponents said, “That’s preposterous.” And Senator Lito Lapid shouted, “That’s my idea!”

Top 5 Possible Scenarios When You Buy A Condom From a Store Located at Barangay Ayala Alabang

No. 5: Ate, pagbili ng condom. >> May dala kang reseta iha? >> Wala po eh. Pero ‘wag kayong mag-alala. Doktor ang katalik ko.

No. 4: Miss, pagbilhan mo nga ako ng condom. >> ‘Asan sir ang prescription? >> Anong prescription? Hindi mo ba ako nakikilala? Ako ang kapitan sa barangay na ‘to! Prescription mo’ng mukha mo!

No. 3: Miss, condom nga. >> Naku, reseta muna. >> Ah ganun? Puwes, ‘wag na ‘wag kang magrereklamo kapag nag-motel tayo mamayang gabi!

No. 2: Miss, isang condom please. >> Sir, kailangan po ng prescription. >> Here, meron ako. >> Naku sir, kulang po ito. Dapat po specified ng doctor ang size at flavor.

And the No. 1 scenario when you buy a condom from a store located at Brgy. Ayala Alabang…

Miss, condom nga. Pakibilisan, nagmamadali ako. >> Teka lang sir, meron ba kayong reseta? >> Bakit!? Kailan pa naging sakit ang libog ko?

Nicotine Addict
The Philippine Medical Association says a person like President Aquino who is “addicted to an abused substance whether it is tobacco or illegal drugs needs professional help and is in a state of constant denial.” President Aquino said, “That’s not true.”

AFP Corruption Hearing
Mrs. Erlinda Ligot, wife of Lt. Col. Jacinto Ligot was a no-show during Thursday’s Senate hearing. Asked about the whereabouts of his wife, the former military comptroller said he totally forgot where he left her.

Lawyer Rafael Zialcita says the wife of former military comptroller Jacinto Ligot is confined at the Veteran’s Memorial Medical Center in Quezon City because of “headaches, abdominal pains, and other aches.” Official hospital records show there’s a total of eight “aches” under Mrs. Erlinda Ligot’s name.

Overseas…
Libyan President Moammar Gadhafi delivered a televised address Tuesday. The 69-year-old dictator spoke about the state of his Arab nation and vowed to stay in power despite calls for his resignation. At one point during the speech, he presented three poor Libyan boys who wrote their dreams on paper folded into boats and launched these into the Mediterranean Sea.


In a televised address Tuesday, Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi said he would never step down as president. He then enumerated his administration’s long-term goals toward achieving a Strong Republic.
——————————————
“Those who in principle oppose birth control are either incapable of arithmetic or else in favor of war, pestilence, and famine as permanent features of human life.”
~Bertrand Russell

Elsewhere
Dolce, Encore, Pharaoh and Icon mga gimikang tinukoy ng DPA ng ABS-CBN na pugad umano ng mga gumagamit ng cocaine. See exclusive interview here.

Maria Ressa: The Parody of People Power

Survey Says
Sang-ayon ba kayo sa pahayag ni Sen. Bongbong Marcos na posibleng kasing-unlad na tayo ng Singapore kung hindi napatalsik ang kanyang ama?
Tama siya! Sayang. 28.74%
Ulol! Umayos ka nga! 70.66%
Wala akong alam sa isyu. 0.6%

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Have a safe and fun-filled weekend!

JEOPARDY!


ARE YOU FAMILIAR with Jeopardy? It’s the American quiz show with a “unique answer-and-question format.” Players are given clues in the form of answers, and they must phrase their responses in question form.

Here’s an example:
EMPLOYERS for $1200
Answer: It offers a salary of only P30,000 per month but after five years, you get to earn a total of 740 million pesos!
“What is… the AFP?” | #maytamaka! #ligot

The following were lifted from a recent episode of “Jeopardy! Riddles Edition!” where thousands of dollars were given away to a set of Filipino contestants. [Opo, merong gano’n. ‘Wag n’yo nang itanong kung saan.] Enjoy!

FARM VILLE for $1400
Answer: Mukhang tao, tunog veggie, may padulas from AFP!
“Who is… Pichay?” | #kureeeeek! #AFPslushfund

WOMEN IN GOVERNMENT for $1000
Answer: Hanap ay pruweba, gusto ay ebidensya; opposite ni Heidi Mendoza, kakampi ni Carlos F. Garcia!
“Who is… the Ombudsman?”
Please be specific.
‘Who is… Merceditas Gutierrez?” | #mismo!

“PAN”THOM for $400
Answer: Pa’no makikita itong taong ito, kung ang paghahanap ay isang Moro-moro!
“Who is… PANfilo Lacson?” | #siyananga!

RICH KIDS for $600
Answer: Hindi hari, hindi pari, luxury cars ay sari-sari.
“Who is… the President?” | #taaamah!

“J” WALKING for $800
Answer: Kuwarenta’y kuwatro lang nang maluklok sa Makati, inabot na ng setenta, kanya pa rin ang torre.
“Who is… Jejomar Binay?” | #ofcourse

THE CABINET for $1600
Answer: Tatlong ulo isang katawan, palihim na nagkakagatan.
“What is… the Presidential Communications Group?” | #aminin!

PAPA “P” for $200
Answer: Ginaya si Bruce Lee, naging Justin Bieber, Lito Camo-clone forever.
“Who is… Pacquiao?” | #unasalahatsalamatsapanginuunsasupurta #akoNaNga!

KATA-QUOTE for $400
Answer: “Sa ikauunlad ng bayan, malaking populasyon ang kailangan!”
“What is… the CBCP?” | #amen!

PBA for $1600
Answer: Hindi liga, hindi basketball, sa Ombudsman dala’y trouble.
“What is… plea bargain agreement.” | #yunNa!

BAD WORDS for $500
Answer: Nang magalit si Mar sa ChaCha, umalingawngaw ito sa Ayala.
“What is… ‘Puuuut*ng-i*a! Ano ba ‘to!” | #patayTAYOjan

“G” SPOT for $800
Answer: Nang mawala ang immunity bilang pangulo, ginamit na pananggalang mga ka-distrito!
“Who… is Gloria?” | #whoelse?!

POWERFUL for $300
Answer: Nakalusot sa NAIA dala niyang droga. How did that happen? Nagtaka ka pa!
“Who is… Cong. Ronald Singson?” | #true!

TOURISTS for $1400
Answer: Travel expenses ay lumolobo, nasa selda man ang sundalo.
“Who is… Sen. Antonio Trillanes IV in detention?” | #taaama!

AND FINALLY…
PLASTICS for $100
Answer: Naglaho ang reaksyon sa mukha ni Asuncion dahil kay Vicki Belo at sa kanyang injection.
“Who are… Gretchen Barretto, and other celebrities na nasobrahan sa Botox?” | #ouch!

ODD TALENTS for $1600
Answer: Horror man o drama, comedy o aksyon, consistent ang pagganap, iisa’ng emosyon!
‘Who is… Kris Aquino?” | #Pilipinas,maytamaka!
———————————-
“There are no foolish questions, and no man becomes a fool until he has stopped asking questions.”
~Charles Proteus Steinmetz

Reposting my tweet from last night…
“Dear Mr. Chinese President: Kung gusto po ninyo, ‘yong tatlong Pinoy na nasa death row, papalitan namin ng tatlong heneral plus eight houses in the US. Deal?”

At nagreply daw ang Chinese President: “Kayo gusto palit tatlo Pinoys with tatlo generals plus 8 houses? Aglee ako d’yan pero sa isa kondisyon: puwede ba sama Mrs Ligot? S’ya fascinating! S’ya husay real estate.”


Survey Says
Sang-ayon ka bang dapat ihimlay sa Libingan ng mga Bayani ang bangkay ni dating pangulong Ferdinand Marcos?
Oo, panahon na! 28.76%
Hindi! Hindi siya bayani! 58.19%
Pag-iisipan ko pa. 13.05%

Elsewhere
Asian Wall Street Journal: Single Asian President Seeks Soul Mate for Very Public Romance

Personal
From my Palanca Award-winning friend Layeta Bucoy (ikaw na!):
Nicolas Pichay’s “3-N-1/ 10-10-10:Writing-on-Site Workshop for Stage, TV, and Film
This workshop has limited available slots. Interested parties are encouraged to immediately submit a letter of intent to marcelohdelpilar@yahoo.com (Re: 3-N-1/ 10-10-10). Only for purposes of diagnostics, each participant is encouraged to submit with the letter a soft copy of a previously written stage, tv or film script (not necessarily produced). For inquiries: 7824454.

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Have a great weekend! Go West! #NBA All Stars