MANALO KAYA?


THE MANALOs HAVE SPOKEN. The bloc-voting religious sect Iglesia ni Cristo endorsed the candidacy of Sen. Noynoy Aquino. Hours before the official announcement was made, Noynoy was really nervous. In fact, he had to smoke two packs of cigarettes to calm his nerves,.

The Iglesia ni Cristo has endorsed the candidacy of Noynoy Aquino for president. The official announcement was made by INC executives yesterday (Wednesday) while the unofficial announcement was made by Kris Aquino on “The Buzz” last Sunday.

The Iglesia ni Cristo has endorsed the presidential bid of Noynoy Aquino. The INC is now the second most powerful endorser of Noynoy… next only to ABS-CBN.

The Iglesia ni Cristo is endorsing the candidacy of Noynoy Aquino. The INC is now the second most influential endorser of Noynoy… next only to Pulse Asia, and SWS.

The bloc-voting religious sect Iglesia ni Cristo endorsed the candidacy of Noynoy Aquino. According to a source of the Philippine Daily Inquirer, the choice was made based on a “survey” of INC members ‘with a mandate from heaven’ – probably the same heaven that ‘guided’ the INC in choosing the likes of Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo in 2004 and Joseph Estrada in 1998.

A Philippine Daily Inquirer source revealed that the Iglesia ni Cristo’s choice of Sen. Noynoy Aquino for president was made after conducting a “survey” among INC members – a revelation that further incensed Sen. Richard Gordon.

The Iglesia ni Cristo has also announced its 12 picks for senator. The list includes Bong Revilla and Lito Lapid! [No need for a punch line.]

The bloc-voting sect Iglesia ni Cristo endorsed Sen. Mar Roxas for vice president. Rumors say a disappointed Jejomar Binay called up a high-ranking INC official to ask why he didn’t get the endorsement. The INC official replied, “Bloc voting po ang isinusulong namin, hindi black voting.”

God’s (Different) Choices?
Gilbert Teodoro has the support of Pastor Quiboloy.
The Iglesia ni Cristo is endorsing Noynoy.
The Jesus is Lord Movement is solid behind Bro. Eddie Villanueva.
The CBCP endorses JC De Los Reyes.
And the El Shaddai Movement is reportedly backing the presidential bid of Manny Villar.
Some theologians are now convinced – God must really be a woman.

Tanong ng bayan: Sa harap ng sunud-sunod na endorsements mula sa mga ‘sugo ng kalangitan,’ bakit wala pa yatang nag-i-endorso kay Rey Langit?

This just in! Unconfirmed reports say Erap and Binay are expecting the endorsement of an unidentified Islamic group. You know, they tolerate polygamy.


Top 5 Messages Left on ‘God’s’ Answering Machine

No. 5: “Lord, this is Dick Gordon. Akala ko ba pantay-pantay ang tingin mo sa aming lahat? Eh bakit ka ganyan? Meron kang kinikilingan. Meron kang pinu-protektahan. Meron kang kandidatong sinusuportahan. Kapag ganyan ka pa rin sa ‘kin sa susunod na eleksyon, hihingi na ‘ko ng TRO sa korte para pigilan ang endorsements mo! Hindi ka na fair eh.”

No. 4: “God, this is Krissy. Gosh! You’re so bait talaga. Promise! Always take care of Mom and Dad huh. And Ka Erdy too. Gosh! I’m blushing right now God. Kashe, close na tayo. ‘Di ba Boy? Aha-ha-ha!”

No. 3: “Panginoon, this is JC De Los Reyes. Verify ko lang po kung ako talaga ang choice ng CBCP. Para kasing hindi naniniwala ang mga tao sa kanila eh.”

No. 2: “Hi Lord. Si Manny Villar po ‘to. ‘Pag ‘di ko nakuha ang endorsement ng El Shaddai, tandaan mo po, ‘di na kita papaniwalaan. At ‘di lang ‘yan! Kapag ‘di ako inendorse ni Brother Mike, hinding-hindi ka na po puwedeng dumaan sa C-5 kahit kailan! Tandaan mo po ‘yan!”

And the No. 1 message left on God’s answering machine…

“Papa Jesus, si Noynoy po ito. Thank you Papa Jesus for all the blessings. Alam mo Papa Jesus, you were my strength when I was weak. ‘Tsaka Papa Jesus, you were my voice when I couldn’t speak. You were my eyes when I couldn’t see, and you saw the best there was in me. How can I forget Papa Jesus, (you) lifted me up when I couldn’t reach and you gave me faith ‘coz you believed. Basta, Papa Jesus, I’m everything I am, because you loved me.”

Oops, there’s one stray message left on God’s answering machine!
“Hello, God test. God test. Hello? God test. Wala lang. Testing lang kung totoong may sasagot. Sanga pala, si Joma Sison ‘to.”


The Elections
Noynoy Aquino is so against the proposed postponement of the May 10 elections… mainly because he can hardly wait to begin his term.

Manny Villar is likewise against the postponement of the elections… mainly because it would only give his rivals more time to throw more dirt at him.

Gilbert Teodoro also opposes the postponement of the polls… mainly because he’s so eager to find out if Pastor Quiboloy’s group really practices bloc voting.

But Richard Gordon, Eddie Villanueva, and Nicanor Perlas are in favor of postponing the May 10 polls… mainly because they’re not prepared to lose yet.

Meanwhile, Jamby Madrigal has not released any statement on this issue. And we really don’t care!

Korina: Not True
Korina Sanchez held a press conference to deny online reports that she got booed at the concert of Tears for Fears. The vice presidentiable’s wife claims she neither noticed nor heard any booing… mainly because she was too busy posing before the cameras while flashing the Laban sign.

Korina Sanchez denied reports that she got booed at the Tears for Fears concert last Sunday. Well, it’s either TJ Manotoc was telling the truth or Korina Sanchez was deaf.
———————
“I always distrust people who know so much about what God wants them to do to their fellows.”
~Susan B. Anthony

Survey Says
Your final and sure choice for president:
Noynoy AQUINO 31.9%
JC DE LOS REYES 0.2%
Joseph ESTRADA 0.7%
Dick GORDON 22%
Jamby MADRIGAL 0.9%
Nick PERLAS 1.4%
Gilbert TEODORO 36.3%
Eddie VILLANUEVA 1.4%
Manny VILLAR 5.2%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere…
From the online edition of Newsbreak: How the INC was won

More from Newsbreak: Religious endorsements

Countdown to the May 10 elections: Apat na tulog na lang!

CHOICES

Latest SWS Survey
The latest Social Weather Stations survey showed that Nacionalista Party standard-bearer Manny Villar has narrowed the lead of his main rival, Liberal Party standard-bearer Noynoy Aquino. But Liberal Party stalwarts insisted the survey was “biased” because respondents were asked these two questions: (1) Nakaligo ka na ba sa dagat ng basura? (2) Nag-Pasko ka na ba sa gitna ng kalsada?

Sen. Richard Gordon got a rating of 0.5 percent in the latest SWS survey. His numbers are expected to improve in the next survey as he mulls attacking the reported groundswell of support for Noynoy Aquino in the new-look Friendster.

Gilbert Teodoro’s latest SWS survey rating remained at 5 percent. But Malacañang is confident it will rise to 10 percent as soon as the MMDA installs green urinals for women.

Presidential Forum
Liberal Party standard-bearer Noynoy Aquino has reportedly declined an invitation to participate in the foreign policy presidential forum on January 14 organized by the Carlos P Romulo Foundation. But according to Noynoy’s staunch supporter, Inquirer columnist Conrado De Quiros, the senator is still willing to attend the forum if the debate centers on the topic of “good vs. evil” foreign policy.

Iglesia’s Choice
Sources say the Iglesia ni Cristo is supporting the presidential bid of Sen. Manny Villar. But the same source didn’t say if the sect had picked a VP candidate… although Jejomar Binay is a shoo-in if the INC strictly exercises black voting.

Gibô’s TV Ad
Singer/songwriter Rico Blanco has accused presidential candidate Gilbert Teodoro of violating copyright laws for using his song “Posible’ in a political ad without his and his record label’s permission. Embarrassed by this latest development, Gibô has reportedly asked Edu Manzano to lecture party members on piracy!

Gibô’s TV Ad II
Reports say Gibô Teodoro’s political ad illegally used the song “Posible” by Rico Blanco. Embarrassed by the report, Gibô berated party stalwarts behind the ad. When questioned why they had to “steal,” his men replied, “Boss, praktis lang.”

Talking about music, admit it. The jingle in the latest Villar ad is an LSS material. So, tara! Paglaruan natin! Right click here for musical accompaniment.

Villar asks…
Nakaligo ka na ba sa dagat ng basura
nagpasko ka na ba sa gitna ng kalsada
’yan ang tanong namin
tunay ka bang isa sa amin

Noynoy answers…
‘Di pa kami naliligo sa dagat ng basura
at ang aming Pasko ay sa Hacienda Luisita
‘yan ang sagot namin
eh kasi rich angkan namin

Gibô answers…
Sa bathtub lang at hindi sa dagat ng basura
Nag-Pasko ‘di sa kalye, kundi dun sa Amerika
at least umaamin
na super-blessed pamilya namin

Brother Eddie answers…
Lalakarin ni Hesus ang dagat ng basura
sa Pasko papakanin mga tao sa kalsada
promise niya ‘yan sa akin
at sa flock ko rin na 5M

Bayani answers for Gordon…
Bakit nga ba mayroong dagat ng basura
‘Pag Pasko tambak kasi mga ‘yan sa kalsada
lahat ‘yan dahil sa atin
tayo ang dapat na sisihin.

And finally, Jamby answers…
Si Manny Villar ay dapat lamang ibasura
Dinoble n’ya ang budget sa iisang kalsada
‘yan ang alam namin
bakit ba ayaw n’yang aminin

Case vs. Miriam
Last Thursday, a certain Efren Battad filed a disbarment case against Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago. Accusing the senator of having an “unsound mind,” Battad says her “insanity” is characterized by “delusion of grandeur,” “flight of ideas,” “mood swings,” “penchant for lying,” and “paranoia.” The lady senator laughed off the allegations and described the disbarment case as “Nakakaloka!”
____________
“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”
~ Emo Philips

Survey Says
Urinals for women in the metro. Your take:
Why not? Sure. 44%
Eeew! No way! 56%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

SAVING FACE

Tabloid Headline, September 2, 2009

Dalawang prominenteng pamilya sa Pilipinas lumuluha
Ka Erdie Manalo, pumanaw;
Sen. Mar Roxas, umayaw!

sukonako Roxas Withdraws
Sen. Mar Roxas has dropped his bid for the presidency next year. If he could only turn back time, he would have prayed much harder for Tita Cory’s recovery.

Mar Roxas has announced his decision to drop his presidential ambition in 2010. Joseph Estrada lauded Mar’s statesmanship. Chiz Escudero hailed Mar’s selflessness. And Manny Villar praised Mar’s performance… in the SWS and Pulse Asia surveys.

Presidential aspirant Mar Roxas, who’s been trailing in recent surveys, will no longer seek the presidency in 2010. His family and supporters call it an “act of sacrifice,” otherwise known as “graceful exit.”

Mar Roxas will no longer run for president in 2010. He has also adopted a new slogan, “Lacson, hindi ka nag-iisa.”

Last week, Pampanga governor Among Ed Panlilio declared that he was willing to forego his presidential ambition if Noynoy Aquino would seek the presidency. Panlilio will reportedly make a formal announcement as soon as he gets a go signal from God. ‘Di pa niya kasi nakakausap ulit.

mar_korina_eeeeew In a press conference held last night, Mar Roxas announced that he has dropped his plans to become president in 2010. Fighting back tears, he said, “Bayan bago ang sarili. Maniwala man kayo o hindi, ginagawa ko ito para sa bayan.” And just to prove his love of country, he is also dropping his plan to become a groom next month.

Presidential aspirant Mar Roxas said withdrawing from the 2010 presidential race was the hardest decision he has ever made in his entire life… next only to his decision to marry Korina Sanchez.

Broadcaster Korina Sanchez was seen crying while Mar Roxas was making the important announcement at Club Filipino. Apparently, hindi siya handa.

marnoy2009 In an emotional speech at Club Filipino, Mar Roxas expressed support for Noynoy Aquino’s candidacy for president. He promised, “Hindi kami maghihiwalay ni Noy.” Korina Sanchez cried even more.

The good news is Mar Roxas has officially announced that he shall give way to Noynoy Aquino in 2010. The bad news is Korina Sanchez still refuses to give way to Shalani Soledad.

Presidential aspirant Mar Roxas made two important decisions yesterday, September 1. First he changed his mind and dropped his bid for president. Second, he changed his Friendster status from “In a Relationship to “It’s Complicated.”

mar_pedicab Mar Roxas has canceled his bid for the presidency in 2010. An hour before he made the announcement, he canceled his contract with the ad agency that created his TV commercials. He told them, “’Tang-inaaaaa! Ano ba ‘tong ginawa n’yo!?”

Mar Roxas is no longer running for president. He now seriously considers accepting ABS-CBN’s offer to replace Willie Revillame on Wowowee.

Top 7 Movie Remakes About Sen. Mar Roxas’ Decision to Drop His Bid for the Presidency

No. 7: Kung Fu Malya (Sa Surveys)

No. 6: I, Lowbat

No. 5: My Best Friend’s Quitting / Look Who’s Quitting

No. 4: Race/Off

No. 3: Ganito Kayo ni Korina Noon, Paano Kayo Ngayon?

No. 2: Kung Mangarap Ka’t Magising… na Wala Kang Tsansang Manalo

And the No. 1 movie remake about Sen. Mar Roxas’ decision to drop his bid for the presidency…

We’re Not Just that Into You

In Other News
Reports say former First Lady Imelda Marcos is pushing her son Bongbong to run for president in 2010… to which the Ilocos Norte representative quipped, “Sure! Pero sa isang kondisyon: mamatay ka muna.”

manalo Ka Erdie, 84
Iglesia ni Cristo executive minister, Eraño ‘Ka Erdy’ Manalo passed away Monday, August 31. The INC leadership has released a memorandum circular calling on all members to observe bloc mourning.

Senate Hearing on ZTE
In yesterday’s Senate hearing on the canceled ZTE NBN deal, businessman Joey De Venecia insisted, “I am a victim of this anomalous contract.” Ulol!
_____________
“A good sacrifice is one that is not necessarily sound but leaves your opponent dazed and confused.”
~Nigel Short

SIPSIP, INC.

IGLESIA
The bloc-voting sect that is Iglesia ni Cristo is celebrating its anniversary today. Also celebrating are the newspaper publishers who are raking in revenues from sipsip politicians.

The Professional Heckler scanned three leading broadsheets today: Philippine Daily Inquirer, Philippine Star and Manila Bulletin and listed down the names of politicians, government officials, businessmen turned politicians, their wives and children, and party list groups who probably spent taxpayers’ money in an apparent effort to win the support of the Manalos and their minions in the 2010 polls.

Those who paid tribute, praised, and glorified the Manalos and the INC through half-page and full-page ads include:

Former President Joseph Estrada (PDI)
Sen. Manny & Cong. Cynthia Villar (PDI/Star/MB)
Sen. Loren Legarda (PDI/Star/MB)
Sen. Juan Miguel Zubiri (PDI/Star/MB)
Sec. Ralph & Batangas Gov. Vilma Santos-Recto (Star/MB)
Sec. Leandro Mendoza (PDI)
Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago (PDI)
Sen. Bong and Lani Mercado-Revilla (MB)
Sec. Ronaldo Puno ((PDI/Star/MB)
Sec. Gilbert & Cong. Monica Prieto-Teodoro (Star/MB)
Usec. Antonio “Bebot” Villar Jr. (MB)
Batangas Rep. Mark Llandro Mendoza (PDI)
Quezon City Rep. Annie Susano (PDI)
Agusan Del Norte Rep. Jose Aquino III (PDI/Star)
Agusan Del Norte Rep. Edelmiro Amante (PDI/Star)
Cong. Narciso Defensor Santiago III (PDI)
Cavite Rep. Elpidio Barzaga (Star)
Palawan Gov. Joel and Mrs. Fems Reyes (PDI/Star)
QC Rep. Nanette Castelo-Daza (PDI)
QC Mayor Sonny Belmonte & Joy Belmonte (Star)
QC Coun. Winston Castillo (MB)
Precious Hipolito-Castelo (MB)
Bacoor Cavite, Mayor Strike Revilla (Star/MB)
Rizal Gov. Jun Ynares & Provincial Council (MB)
Agusan Del Norte Gov. Erlpe John Amante (Star/MB)
Valenzuela Rep. Sherwin Gatchalian (MB)
Kalookan Rep. Mitch Cajayon (MB)
Batangas Rep. Nicanor Briones (MB)
Batangas Rep. Cesar Cobrador (MB)
Laguna Rep. Dave Almarinez (MB)
Cavite Governor Ayong Malicsi (PDI/Star/MB)
Cavite Vice Gov. Osboy Campaña (PDI/Star/MB)
Imus, Cavite Mayor Manny Malicsi (PDI/Star/MB)
Dasmariñas, Cavite Mayor Jenny Barzaga (MB)
Valenzuela City Mayor Rexlon Gatchalian (MB)
Muntinlupa City Mayor Aldrin San Pedro (Star)
Escalante City Mayor Melecio Yap Jr (MB)
Lipa City Officials (PDI)
Padre Garcia, Batangas Officials (PDI)
San Juan, Batangas Officials (PDI)
Rosario, Batangas Officials (PDI)
San Jose, Batangas Officials (PDI)
Ibaan, Batangas Officials (PDI)
Taysan, Batangas Officials (PDI)
San Jose, Batangas Vice Mayor Tikyo Briones (MB)
AGAP Party List (PDI/Star/MB)
BUTIL Farmers Party List (MB)
Atty. Melanio “Batas” Mauricio (PDI)
Jose De Venecia III (PDI)
Weslie Gatchalian (Star/MB)
Pagcor Chair Efraim Genuino & Trace College (Star/MB)
Former Mayor Ambrosio Cruz Jr (Sugod Bulacan Movement)

Note: The current half-page and full-page ad rates of the three broadsheets range from PhP154,000 to PhP391,000. You do the math.

Ang tanong: whose effort will be rewarded in 2010? MANALO kaya sila? Abangan!
_________
“I would argue that one of the issues which the public should be much more emphatic about with all politicians… is patronage, appointing people to high positions because they supported your campaign or helped you raise money.”
~John Hickenlooper

THE VILLAR SHOW

villar
Villar & Wowowee
In case you were tuned in to Wowowee last Saturday, you would have caught the guesting of presidential aspirant Manny Villar. The program began as a game show at 11:45. By 2:30PM, it has become Damayan minus Rosa Rosal.

Appearing on the noontime perya that was Wowowee, presidential aspirant Manny Villar gave away six houses and lots to returning OFWs who joined the game show. Villar, who was present at the studio, was almost in tears… mainly because he received text messages from Eat Bulaga contestants asking for the same.

Six houses and lots were given away by Manny Villar to Wowowee contestants last Saturday. When Mar Roxas saw this, he requested for another Wowowee guesting so he could give away… Korina Sanchez.

Manny Villar gave away six houses and lots to returning OFWs who joined the noontime game show Wowowee. When presidential wannabe Eddie Villanueva saw this, he said, “Wala ‘yan! Kapag ako ang nag-guest sa Wowowee… papakainin ko ang limang milyon!”

camella Six houses and lots were given away by Manny Villar to Wowowee contestants last Saturday. When ex-president Joseph Estrada saw this, he requested for a Wowowee guesting to give away six of his extra mistresses.

Earlier this year, Mar Roxas gave away a pedicab (padyak) to a Wowowee contestant. Last Saturday, Manny Villar gave away six houses and lots to six more contestants. Unfazed by the competition, presidential aspirant Father Ed Panlilio is guesting on Eat Bulaga… to give away his virginity.

Six houses and lots were given away by presidential hopeful Manny Villar on Wowowee. Breaking News: The Department of Foreign Affairs has just confirmed that thousands of OFWs have quit their job overseas to join Wowowee instead.

Willie Revillame said there was no politics involved in Villar’s decision to give away six houses and lots to six Wowowee contestants. Ulol!

Noli and the Presidency
Vice President Noli De Castro denied persistent rumors that he would run as vice president of Sen. Manuel Villar. But De Castro explained he might change his decision if Villar would give him six houses and lots.

gibo Teodoro to Lakas
Another presidentiable, Defense Sec. Gilbert Teodoro has officially and formally joined the administration party. The move has formally and officially sealed… his defeat.

inq False Alarm
Do you remember the Inquirer’s banner headline last week about a “kidnapped, drugged, and raped” teenage daughter of a narcotics agent? That story turned out to be false. Now, do you remember former Supreme Court justice Adolf Azcuna’s announcement last Friday during a mass at the Manila City Hall that Cory Aquino has died? Here’s the latest: Azcuna has been offered a job at the Philippine Daily Inquirer!

Light Bites
Q: What’s the difference between the Inquirer and Azcuna?
A: Azcuna apologized.

China Asia Eclipse
Solar Eclipse
Last Wednesday, a total solar eclipse plunged China into darkness for like seven minutes… or as the Inquirer’s banner headline said, “Seven hours.”

Hayden Kho
The Philippine Medical Association (PMA) has decided to punish cosmetic surgery intern Hayden Kho over his role in his sex video scandal. As a punishment, he will be forced to fix the president’s leaking boobs – without pay.

gmasona2 State of the Nation Address
President Arroyo will deliver her 9th State of the Nation Address on Monday, July 27. That will be Mrs. Arroyo’s last SONA… the very reason why the Iglesia ni Cristo is having a huge feast on Monday.
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“It’s true sensationalism sells, but that’s as far as that goes.”
~ Felipe Duran

Elsewhere…
Check out The Professional Heckler’s SONA-related post last year.

Here’s the list of the Best and Worst Food for Your Libido.

Da Who?
An EP of a show received an order from an executive to include in their line up of stories the “ballroom dancing session” some network executives spent with a (new) celebrity. Got no problem with that. But with an additional instruction to “enumerate through Voice Over” the names of the executives as they showcase their Terpsichore-on-Valium skills?! Now, that’s just cheap!

Personal
In case you’re interested, the Professional Heckler is on Twitter.  Click here.

Have a productive week ahead!