ONE HUNDRED


THE PROSECUTION PANEL intends to present at least 100 witnesses in the ongoing impeachment trial. Either the prosecutors want Renato Corona out or Serafin Cuevas dead.

Lead prosecutor Niel Tupas Jr says they will present at least 100 witnesses to prove their case against Chief Justice Renato Corona. Senator Enrile looks forward to celebrating his centennial year in the Senate.


Btw, Senator Enrile is now using Facebook Timeline. You may now view his personal photos taken during the Renaissance.

The prosecution team intends to call at least eight journalists including veterans Raissa Robles and Maritess Vitug to the witness stand. That’s not surprising though. Fact is, these journalists would have drafted a much stronger case against the Chief Justice than the House of Representatives.

The defense team says witnesses are expected to have personal knowledge of what he or she will testify on. Unlike those 188 lawmakers who had no personal knowledge of what they signed up for.

The prosecution team has 100 witnesses for the Corona impeachment trial. Is this Plan B already?


Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago will definitely attend Monday’s impeachment trial. Doctors have given her a clean bill of health. She just had a checkup the other day. She was diagnosed with idiophobia.

Prosecutors are so prepared for Day 8 of the impeachment trial. They’re ready for the defense panel’s objections; for Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago’s clarificatory questions, and for Rudy Fariñas’ tantrums.

Fish Stock
During the inter-government review on the global protection program of the marine environment, Vice President Jejomar Binay reported a 32 percent decline in global fish stock. That’s really bad news for the prosecution team’s ongoing fishing expedition.

RIP: Ignacio Arroyo
Congressman Ignacio Arroyo is dead. There’s no truth to rumors that it was Atty. Mike Arroyo who died and that Iggy was just covering up for him again.

Where is Llamas?
Malacañang says controversial political adviser Ronald Llamas is under investigation. At press time, Llamas is still mum on the issue. He is expected to release a statement as soon as he’s done with his weekend movie marathon.

Arrested
Senator Lito Lapid’s wife Marissa was arrested in the United States for allegedly smuggling 50 thousand dollars. At first, Mrs. Lapid denied that the money was hers. However, she was forced to admit when airport authorities found ores, gravel, sand, and lahar on the stash.

Date?
Reports say President Aquino recently went to dinner with radio/TV host Grace Lee.  Some people are calling it a ‘date.’ Sumama lang sa dinner,  may ‘romance angle’ na agad?  ‘Di ba pwedeng napilitan lang?
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“You never know how much a man can’t remember until he is called as a witness.”
~Will Rogers

Quote of the Day
“Putting media practitioners as well as sitting Supreme Court Justices as possible witnesses is just simply horribly wrong. Not only does it leave the trial open to a challenge that it was, after all, the institution of the SC itself that is now being tried, it also opens a door that should, at the moment, remain closed.”
~Lawyer Theodore Te

Have a great week ahead!

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TIME’S UP!

JUST SO YOU KNOW: My dot com site: http://professionalheckler.com was hacked! The Professional Heckler falls victim to the Professional Hacker! Darn. We’re trying to fix the site now. Hacked or not, heckling must go on.

PALACE SOURCES say President Aquino has selected former congressman Ruffy Biazon as a replacement for Customs Commissioner Angelito Alvarez. Everyone has been informed of the President’s decision to replace Alvarez except for Alvarez.

Customs Commissioner Angelito Alvarez  denied rumors that he had resigned. Alvarez says he will continue to perform his duties until such time that the President tells him to step down or the Philippine Daily Inquirer banners his sacking.

Embattled Customs Commissioner Angelito Alvarez told the press that he would not step down, and vowed to fight ‘til he’s removed. Alvarez was quick to deny rumors though that his role model was Colonel Moammar Gadhafi.

New Appointees
Defeated senatorial candidate Nereus Acosta has been appointed presidential adviser for environmental protection. Another defeated senatorial candidate, Ruffy Biazon will reportedly be appointed Customs commissioner. This has been a great week for losers.

Bookkeeper
Rowena Del Rosario, the former bookkeeper of the Arroyo firm LTA, Inc., has been released from detention. If needed though, Del Rosario has to come back and answer questions from the members of the Senate prosecution panel.

Irked by Rowena Del Rosario’s answers, Sen. Panfilo Lacson told the former bookkeeper, “Alam mo, ang galing mong magtanga-tangahan.” To which, Rowena replied, “Kayo naman po, ang galing magtagu-taguan.”

More on Gaddafi
At press time, rebels claim they have surrounded the compound of Colonel Gadhafi. However, there’s no word yet on the whereabouts of Colonels Gadhafi, Khaddafy, Qaddafi, Kadhafi, and Qaddafy.

Col. Moammar Gaddafi has ordered his men to fight until the end. The rebels have a backup plan though. If they lose this battle, they’ll demand a substate from the government.

Analysts believe that the fall of Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi could pull gas prices down. You know what else is going down because of Gadhafi? The cost of Botox!

Reports say Colonel Moammar Gadhafi is still in Tripoli. The embattled Libyan leader couldn’t leave the country because Justice Secretary Leila De Lima has placed him on the immigration watch list.

In an audio tape released to a local radio station, Libyan President Moammar Gadhafi said his fight against the rebels will end in victory or death. But oppositionists started to doubt the authenticity of the tape when Ignacio Bunye told them that there were in fact, two versions of the recording.

Steve Jobs has resigned. When Col. Moammar Gadhafi heard this, he asked, “Who’s the President of the United States now?”

Earthquake!
The eastern coast of the US was recently hit by a magnitude 5.8 earthquake. Yup, 5.8, or as the Japanese would say, “Zzzzz.”
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“At 15, life had taught me undeniably that surrender, in its place, was as honorable as resistance, especially if one had no choice.”
~Maya Angelou

Quote of the Weak
“How can you be arrogant to say that? You have a long way to go as far as maturity and wisdom is concerned. Your kind of breed of public servant has no place in public service. Kami pag upo namin dito hiniram lang namin ito wala kaming karapatan maging arogante. Appointed official ka lang, ano karapatan mo maging arogante? Iwan mo pagiging spoiled brat mo sa bahay mo! Matuto ka maging humble!”
Zambales Rep. Milgaros “Mitos” Magsaysay to Communications Secretary Ricky Carandang

Personal
Thank you so much to everyone who supported me in the first ever Tatt Awards. Kayo ang tunay na winner para sa akin! Maraming salamat po! Winners will be announced Friday. Watch the program live online!

Have a great weekend!

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GADDAFI, QADDAFI, KHADAFY

COLONEL MOAMMAR GADHAFI’s dictatorship teeters on the brink of total collapse. Last night, he was overheard thanking his trusted generals, his family, his close aides, and Doctors Manny and Pie Calayan.

As I write this, the whereabouts of Libyan President Moammar Gadhafi are still unknown. But sketchy reports say the embattled dictator is still in Tripoli with his wife Imelda Gadhafi.

As protesters advanced Sunday toward Tripoli, Libyan President Moammar Gadhafi remained defiant. He threatened them with guns, bombs, and another speech.

Still putting up strong resistance in Tripoli are Libyan President Moammar Gadhafi’s most loyal forces… led by his trusted aide, General al-Fabian Ver.

Beleaguered Libyan President Moammar Gadhafi is still in hiding. This has prompted his opponents to detain his bookkeeper instead.

Libyan President Moammar Gadhafi is reportedly holed up somewhere in Tripoli. Erwin Tulfo and Michael Rogas are negotiating his surrender.

TV reports showed a stash of Colonel Gadhafi’s green shirts. Inexplicably, one of the shirts had a print that read, “ “Galing at Talino” & “Sulong Gadhafi.”

Remember Ritchie Garcia of the PSC and Jeff Tamayo of the POC? When they saw Moammar Gadhafi’s face on television, they said, “Ampaw na lang ‘yon.”

Moammar Gadhafi is not just dividing Libya. Gaddafi is dividing the world’s media. Journalists can’t seem to agree on a standard spelling for Qaddafi’s name.

According to ABC News, there are 112 different ways to spell the Libyan dictator’s name. The latest variations include Arroyodaffy, Iggydaffy, and LOLdaffy.

The whereabouts of Libyan President Moammar Gadhafi are still unknown… although one person probably knows where he is right now: Rupert Murdoch.

Closest aides are reportedly experiencing a hard time thinking of an ‘exit strategy’ for Gadhafi. That robe is just too heavy.

CNN’s Anderson Cooper is looking forward to interviewing Libyan President Moammar Gadhafi. His first question will be, “Who are you wearing?”

This just in: Standard & Poor’s has downgraded Colonel Moammar Gadhafi’s fashion taste.

In Other News
Presidential Communications Operations Office head Herminio Coloma Jr. says President Aquino is willing to have his own television show. Take that Manoling Morato!

Top 5 Rejected Titles for President Aquino’s Television Show

No. 5: “The Smoking President”

No. 4: “SYTYCD: So You Think You Can Drive”

No. 3: “Dial N”

No. 2: Morning shows: ”Umagang Kay Bugá” or “Unang Hitit”

And the No. 1 rejected title for President Aquino’s television show…

“The Working President… Joooke!”
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“Disregard for human beings is the first qualification of a dictator.”
~Milton Eisenhower

Elsewhere
In 2009, ABC News listed 112 different ways to spell Gaddafi.

Newsbreak: What the Libya unrest means to Filipinos

Gaddafi Fashion: The Emperor Has Some Crazy Clothes

GMA News: The 2010 Manila hostage crisis: A year after

Lynda Jumilla: Broadcast media lessons from the Manila hostage crisis

Personal
August 23, 2011: Happy birthday to the Black Mamba, KOBE BRYANT of the Los Angeles Lakers! Mabuhay!

Bonus: Your bimonthly horoscope! Ang hindi maniwala, mamalasin!

Have a safe week! Enjoy our freedom! Merry Christmas!

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HOLY WEAK!

hly_wk_cross
Semana Santa and Philippine Politics

The House of Representatives plans to stage a senaculo on Good Friday. But they have a huge problem. The play requires only two thieves. There are 238 of them.

The Aquino Family of Tarlac is also holding a senaculo at Hacienda Luisita this week. Noynoy Aquino has been tapped to play the role of the virgin.

And Kris Aquino was assigned to read the seven last words. But the queen of talk complained, “Gosh naman Mom! Seven lang?!? Can I discuss each na lang!”

In Cavite, Panfilo Lacson played the role of Pontius Pilate in a passion play. When the mob shouted “Crucify Jesus! Crucify him,” Lacson told them, “Nahh, that’s time consuming. Shoot him!”

In the Arroyos’ hometown of Lubao, Pampanga, local officials couldn’t agree on who should play who in the upcoming senaculo . So they decided to draw lots. Hayun, sa awa ng Diyos, hanggang ngayon binobola pa rin.

Staunch supporters of Pampanga governor Fr. Ed Panlilio rejected President Arroyo’s offer to play Pontius Pilate in a passion play at the provincial capitol. Asked why, they said, “It’s a risk. Pa’no kung irelease n’ya lahat ng convicts?!?”

Loren Legarda will likewise be active this Holy Week. Dozens of senaculo organizers have invited her. She’s the unanimous choice to play Mary Magdalene.

And did you hear about Mar Roxas’ “panata” this Lenten season? He is doing a Visita Iglesia… on a pedicab.

Under fire for “meddling” in the ongoing Sulu hostage crisis, Richard Gordon refused to play the role of any major character in a senaculo in Olongapo City. He’ll keep it low key this time and will just join the crowd… of weeping women.

hly_wk_palm At the Philippine Drug Enforcement Agency headquarters, drug agents were alarmed when palm fronds or “palaspas” went missing. They later discovered that the Alabang Boys powdered the palm fronds and rolled them into cigars. (Wow pare! Miss ko na si Maryjane dude!)

Overseas, Manny Pacquiao was invited by the Filipino community in California to participate in the traditional Pabasa. The People’s Champ did say yes to the invitation but instructed his lawyers to double check the “Pasyon” that he’s gonna read… just to make sure it wasn’t written by ABS-CBN lawyers.

hly_wk_pacquiao Just so you know… Manny Pacquiao is a devout Catholic. In fact, he already did the station of the cross last month. Three stations so far, to be exact.

In Davao City, Passion play organizers couldn’t find “extras” who were willing to act as thieves. They’re so afraid their mayor would take their roles seriously.

Remember controversial DOJ prosecutor John “Lending Business” Resado? Something weird happened at a senaculo in his native Tarlac when he played the role of Judas Iscariot. When Roman authorities paid him 30 pieces of silver for betraying Jesus, he demanded an additional 1.6 M pesos to be deposited to his BDO account.

If that’s weird, then this one’s insane: when fashion designer Boyet Fajardo played the role of a Roman soldier in a senaculo , he repeatedly slapped the guy who played Jesus, and then ordered everyone in the cast to kneel in front of him or else, he’ll have them fired from the project.

And finally…

This just in! Giant oil companies are hiking pump prices this week… in observance of “Mahal na Araw.”

President Arroyo’s Seven Last Words
(To be delivered on the eve of the next president’s inauguration)

7: “Ama, patawarin mo ako dahil hindi ko alam ang aking mga pinaggagawa.”

6: “Sinasabi ko sa ‘yo Mike: Ngayon din ay isasama kita sa aking self-exile.”

5: (To All Filipinos) “Mga anak… ako ang ina n’yo! Ako ang ina n’yong lahat!”

4: “Iggy, Mikey lama sabachthani?’ (Translation: “Mga kaalyado ko sa Kongreso, bakit n’yo ako pinabayaan?”)

3: “Natatakot ako!”

2: “Naganap na!” (Ang inauguration ng bagong pangulo!)

1: “Asawa ko, sa mga kamay mo’y ipinagtatagubilin ko ang mga nakulimbat natin sa palasyo!”

_________
“All spiritual practices are illusions created by illusionists to escape illusion.”
~Ram Dass

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