SATISFACTION

I’M SURE YOU’VE noticed how chilly our mornings have become. The temperature is so low, weathermen say it’s actually lower than President Arroyo’s satisfaction rating.

Joint Session
Senators and congressmen are holding a joint session tomorrow to tackle the martial law imposed in Maguindanao. Representatives of the Guinness World Records will also be present to authenticate RP’s latest bid to establish a new world record for the largest gathering of thieves.

The Ampatuans’ Arms Cache
Recent raids in the Ampatuan residences yielded more than 400 carbine, garand and M-14 rifles, more than 300 kind of magazines and thousands of rounds of ammunition, 11 pistols, 20 long HP firearms, several machine guns, sniper rifles, armored vehicles, camouflage uniforms, and mortars. Senate committee on national defense and security chairman Rodolfo Biazon is seeking an indepth investigation to determine how the Ampatuans got hold of one-half of the AFP’s armory.

Same Sex Marriages
Manila Rep. Bienvenido Abante has sought the criminalization of same-sex marriages in the country saying it’s “highly immoral, scandalous, and detestable.” Abante is seeking re-election in Manila but in case he loses, the Comelec Second Division is willing to take him as its fourth member.

In Entertainment…
Last Friday evening, lawyer Lorna Kapunan, a self-proclaimed feminist and women’s rights advocate-turned-Hayden Kho Jr. apologist and defender dismissed rumors that her client had another suicide attempt. However, witnesses claimed they found the visibly distraught ex-doctor in a pineapple plantation in Silang, Cavite before dawn Friday uttering words like “Huwag n’yo na kong hanapin. Walang nagmamahal sa akin. Nagpaalam na ako sa Diyos.” We all know what happened next: he survived. Due to this development, GMA 7’s “Wish Ko Lang” has invited Hayden to guest on the program. The show will grant his wish to die!

Lawyer Lorna Kapunan said Hayden Kho Jr. was rushed to the hospital not because of another suicide attempt but due to intestinal flu. Attending physicians said he consumed at least 50 leaves of pineapple.

My unimpeachable source said Hayden Kho DID attempt to hurt himself again because Dr. Vicki Belo threatened to break up with him after receiving information that he’s seeing another woman. Worse, that woman was Atty. Lorna Kapunan!

A source said Hayden Kho is back to his old womanizing ways, infuriating his girlfiend, Dr. Vicki Belo. Belo’s reaction surprised a lot of people who always thought that wax figures do not have emotion.

Tiger in Trouble
Golf superstar Tiger Woods is being linked to at least 10 women who have threatened to surface and tell their stories. Some of the women are reportedly armed with incriminating photos. The imminent threat has prompted Woods to declare Martial Law.

Tabloids are linking Tiger Woods to several sexy women. Woods have denied the allegation and insisted that it was just part of the promo for his upcoming film fest entry.

Ten women are being linked now to Tiger Woods. When actress Gina Alajar heard the report, she updated her Facebook status and wrote: “If I were Elin Nordegren-Woods, I would not give up on Tiger. Those 10 girls are not worth it.”

Reports say 10 women have emerged and claimed they had an affair with Tiger Woods. Observers believe eight more will surface to complete the 18 holes.

Playgirl magazine claims it has received a collection of naked Tiger Woods photos. Curious fans are eager to know if Tiger’s birdie is an eagle.

___________
“As long as I have a want, I have a reason for living. Satisfaction is death.”
~George Bernard Shaw

Survey Says
Among these presidential aspirants, who’s likely to withdraw his/her bid before May 2010?
Joseph Estrada :15%
Councilor JC De Los Reyes :18%
Sen. Jamby Madrigal :17%
Nicanor Perlas :4%
No one. Tuloy ang laban! :46%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere
An open letter to Philippine Daily Inquirer columnist Conrado De Quiros

If this columnist is telling the truth, why not just identify the subjects of his blind items?

THE VILLAR SHOW

villar
Villar & Wowowee
In case you were tuned in to Wowowee last Saturday, you would have caught the guesting of presidential aspirant Manny Villar. The program began as a game show at 11:45. By 2:30PM, it has become Damayan minus Rosa Rosal.

Appearing on the noontime perya that was Wowowee, presidential aspirant Manny Villar gave away six houses and lots to returning OFWs who joined the game show. Villar, who was present at the studio, was almost in tears… mainly because he received text messages from Eat Bulaga contestants asking for the same.

Six houses and lots were given away by Manny Villar to Wowowee contestants last Saturday. When Mar Roxas saw this, he requested for another Wowowee guesting so he could give away… Korina Sanchez.

Manny Villar gave away six houses and lots to returning OFWs who joined the noontime game show Wowowee. When presidential wannabe Eddie Villanueva saw this, he said, “Wala ‘yan! Kapag ako ang nag-guest sa Wowowee… papakainin ko ang limang milyon!”

camella Six houses and lots were given away by Manny Villar to Wowowee contestants last Saturday. When ex-president Joseph Estrada saw this, he requested for a Wowowee guesting to give away six of his extra mistresses.

Earlier this year, Mar Roxas gave away a pedicab (padyak) to a Wowowee contestant. Last Saturday, Manny Villar gave away six houses and lots to six more contestants. Unfazed by the competition, presidential aspirant Father Ed Panlilio is guesting on Eat Bulaga… to give away his virginity.

Six houses and lots were given away by presidential hopeful Manny Villar on Wowowee. Breaking News: The Department of Foreign Affairs has just confirmed that thousands of OFWs have quit their job overseas to join Wowowee instead.

Willie Revillame said there was no politics involved in Villar’s decision to give away six houses and lots to six Wowowee contestants. Ulol!

Noli and the Presidency
Vice President Noli De Castro denied persistent rumors that he would run as vice president of Sen. Manuel Villar. But De Castro explained he might change his decision if Villar would give him six houses and lots.

gibo Teodoro to Lakas
Another presidentiable, Defense Sec. Gilbert Teodoro has officially and formally joined the administration party. The move has formally and officially sealed… his defeat.

inq False Alarm
Do you remember the Inquirer’s banner headline last week about a “kidnapped, drugged, and raped” teenage daughter of a narcotics agent? That story turned out to be false. Now, do you remember former Supreme Court justice Adolf Azcuna’s announcement last Friday during a mass at the Manila City Hall that Cory Aquino has died? Here’s the latest: Azcuna has been offered a job at the Philippine Daily Inquirer!

Light Bites
Q: What’s the difference between the Inquirer and Azcuna?
A: Azcuna apologized.

China Asia Eclipse
Solar Eclipse
Last Wednesday, a total solar eclipse plunged China into darkness for like seven minutes… or as the Inquirer’s banner headline said, “Seven hours.”

Hayden Kho
The Philippine Medical Association (PMA) has decided to punish cosmetic surgery intern Hayden Kho over his role in his sex video scandal. As a punishment, he will be forced to fix the president’s leaking boobs – without pay.

gmasona2 State of the Nation Address
President Arroyo will deliver her 9th State of the Nation Address on Monday, July 27. That will be Mrs. Arroyo’s last SONA… the very reason why the Iglesia ni Cristo is having a huge feast on Monday.
________
“It’s true sensationalism sells, but that’s as far as that goes.”
~ Felipe Duran

Elsewhere…
Check out The Professional Heckler’s SONA-related post last year.

Here’s the list of the Best and Worst Food for Your Libido.

Da Who?
An EP of a show received an order from an executive to include in their line up of stories the “ballroom dancing session” some network executives spent with a (new) celebrity. Got no problem with that. But with an additional instruction to “enumerate through Voice Over” the names of the executives as they showcase their Terpsichore-on-Valium skills?! Now, that’s just cheap!

Personal
In case you’re interested, the Professional Heckler is on Twitter.  Click here.

Have a productive week ahead!

‘NAKNAMPUTSCH

zelaya
Zelaya and Arroyo
Leftist Honduran President Manuel Zelaya, who wanted to extend his term beyond January 2010, was recently ousted in a military coup. Asked if the news alarmed her, President Arroyo replied, “Bakit?!? Leftisht ba ‘ko?”

Did you hear the news about the Honduran president who wanted to extend his term beyond 2010 but was ousted in a military coup instead? Here’s a piece of trivia about him: he is not an adopted member of the Honduran Army chief’s military class.

NEWS-US-HONDURAS World leaders denounced the military in Honduras for ousting President Zelaya in a coup. US President Barack Obama told the coup plotters, “Do that in America and you’ll be jailed!” Venezuelan leader Hugo Chavez warned them, “Do that in Caracas and you’ll be dead!” Philippine President Arroyo told them, “Do that in Manila and you’ll be senator!”

Sen. Lito Lapid was in the US when he first heard the news about the military coup that ousted Honduran President Zelaya. A concerned Lapid immediately phoned President Arroyo and told her, “Madam President, ‘wag na po tayong mag-Con Ass. Baka matulad kayo kay Presidente Zelaya. Hayun, pinatalsik ng AFP ng Honduras.”

elec Poll Automation
Heard about the consortium that won the Commission on Election’s poll automation contract? Barbados-based Smartmatic and its Filipino partner Total Information Management Corp. vowed to do quick counting of votes in 2010. Fast, speedy, rapid, swift counting of votes. In 48 hours, it’ll be over. They’re that quick! And to further give you an idea how fast this group works, they have already dissolved the consortium even before the polls could take place!

smartmatic Comelec Chief Jose Melo is confident Smartmatic and Total Information Management Corp. will set aside their “irreconcilable differences” and reunite for next year’s poll automation. Melo advised the two firms to try what he called “marriage of convenience.” You know, the same thing that will soon unite Mar and Korina.

Iran Polls
The unrest in Iran continues. Protesters want a re-election and not just a recount of votes amid cheating allegations. Yup, a re-election! You know who’s challenging the unpopular Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? Randy David!

Michael Jackson’s Wealth
According to the Wall Street Journal, a 2002 will by Michael Jackson specifies that his estate will be divided among his mother, three children and one or more charities. This early though, the King of Pop’s family is bracing for a court battle… as Jamby Madrigal files a case contesting her being disinherited from the late singer’s estate.

Belo and Kho
According to lawyer Lorna Kapunan, “the old Hayden Kho is dead” and the new Hayden “is trying to be better.” In fact, Hayden swore he would never record his sexual trysts with different women again. He’ll just let a videographer do it for him!

vb Belo and Kho II
Almost two weeks after sexy actress Katrina Halili filed separate complaints seeking to revoke the professional and business licenses of Hayden Kho, and Vicki Belo’s clinic respectively, the grapevine is ripe with rumors that Hayden is still in a state of shock… while Belo is in a state of decomposition.

__________
“The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.”
~Albert Camus

Elsewhere…

Newsbreak asks… will the administration go for Noli or for Gibo in 2010?

Manila Standard’s Vic Agustin: Katrina Legarda vs. Loren Legarda.

20th Jaime V. Ongpin Awards for Excellence in Journalism: The Finalists.

POSITIVE, NEGATIVE


Influenza Hits DLSU
Health officials reported that a De La Salle University student was the latest victim of Influenza A (H1N1) virus. When La Sallistas heard the news, a majority of them rushed home to scan their laptops.

The good news is De La Salle University-Taft has suspended its classes for 10 days following reports that one of its students was tested positive for Influenza A (H1N1). The bad news is the La Sallistas’ idle brains will have an extended period of rest.

MRT 24/7
The government halted the experimental 24/7 operation of the Metro Rail Transit or MRT after only two days citing setbacks in maintenance. MRT officials are now seeking the help of our congressmen – clearly, the authority when it comes to railroads and railroading.

MANCAO Mancao Is Back
Former police senior superintendent Cezar Mancao II is finally back home but admits he’s been having sleepless nights… something he has in common with a certain Panfilo Lacson.

Top 10 Movie Remakes Starring Cezar Mancao II (With the special participation of Sen. Panfilo Lacson)

No. 10: Terms of Indictment

No. 9: Journey to the Center of the Dirt

No. 8: Dead Man Talking

No. 7: I Know What You Did to Dacer Last Summer

No. 6: The Unbearable Darkness of Ping

No. 5: I Still Know What You Did to Corbito Last Summer

No. 4: Kasali, Kasalo, Kasabwat

No. 3: Babangon Ako’t Ikakanta Kita

No. 2: Patayin sa Sindak si Pulbura

And the No. 1 movie remake starring Cezar Mancao II (with the special participation of Sen. Panfilo Lacson)…

Burn After Shooting

Mancao Is Back II
Former police senior superintendent Cezar Mancao is back and has vowed to bare all… to which Sen. Lito Lapid said, ‘‘Katatapos lang ng sex videos, hubaran na naman? What is happening to this country?!”

Kho’s Drug Test
Have you heard the news? Self-confessed drug addict Dr. Hayden Kho went to the Philippine Drug Enforcement Agency (PDEA) for a drug test, and he tested negative! That was the second weirdest thing Hayden Kho has learned in recent days… next only to his discovery that his mom and his girlfriend were of the same age.

vicki_belo Talk about weird, here’s another. Dr. Vicki Belo secretly went to PDEA for a drug test too but instead of a urine sample, she submitted a strand of hair. Inconclusive lab results showed she’s 60 percent drug-free and 40 percent plastic.

Elsewhere
Manny Pacquiao makes it to Forbes Magazine’s Top 100 Celebrities. Kobe Bryant ranks higher than Michael Jordan and LeBron James.

Newsbreak has a juicy tale on two married government officials.

__________
“Every unpunished murder takes away something from the security of every man’s life.”
~Daniel Webster

FACE OFF

AMERICANS ARE TALKING ABOUT President Barack Obama’s first female Hispanic Supreme Court nominee. Middle Easterners are discussing the opening of France’ first military base in the Gulf. Iranis are preparing to elect a new president. Pyongyang is threatening to launch more nuclear missiles. Seoul is still mourning the demise of a former president. And the Indian community in Sydney is accusing Australians of racism following a spate of attacks against an Indian student. In the Philippines, lawmakers and high profile lawyers are debating on a celebrity doctor’s explicit sex videos! Welcome to RP, the entertainment capital of Asia.

KAT_HAYD
Postscript to a Sex Scandal
For the first time following the spread of their sex video, actress Katrina Halili and Dr. Hayden Kho faced each other at a Senate hearing last Thursday. It was the week’s most intense Senate moment – since the heated exchange between Juan Ponce Enrile and Aquilino Pimentel.

hay_wet
Before the hearing started, a fuming ex-cop and former Pagsanjan, Laguna mayor-turned tabloid columnist Abner Afuang poured bottled water on Dr. Hayden Kho. Senate committee on youth, women and family relations chair Jamby Madrigal was shocked. In her entire adult life, it marked the first time she saw a man get wet.

When former Pagsanjan, Laguna mayor Abner Afuang poured water over Hayden Kho’s head, Sen. Jamby Madrigal shouted, “Please arrest that man. Arrest that man!” Madrigal then wished she could repeat the same exact words soon – as the Senate puts into trial Sen. Manuel Villar Jr.

afuang Members of the senate were surprised by the dousing incident last Thursday. Sen. Panfilo Lacson asked if there was enough security. Sen. Francis Escudero asked if they could hold an executive session. Sen. Lito Lapid asked about the brand of the bottled water.

Cosmetic expert Vicki Belo, who was in Europe, denied spreading Hayden Kho’s sex videos. During the hearing, Belo’s statement was read by her lawyer, Ateneo law graduate, Pamantasan ng Lungsod ng Maynila president, former opposition spokesman, and senatorial aspirant Adel Tamano – who was hoping to get ample exposure and media attention at the Senate hearing… until a former cop stole the whole show.

TAMANO Lawyer Adel Tamano insisted that Dr. Hayden Kho made 40 sex videos but with four women only. Hindi pa man senador, sinungaling na.

THIS JUST IN. The Philippine Movie Press Club has just released the nominees for Star Awards for TV. Along with Startalk and The Buzz, the Philippine Senate received a nomination for Best Showbiz-Oriented Talk Show. Congratulations!

HAYWHTE Before and after the Senate hearing, Dr. Hayden Kho – clad in Tide-white polo – granted several one-on-one interviews with various networks and newspaper reporters. Reli German has officially started his job.

german In those interviews, Hayden Kho said his behavior might have been triggered by a bad experience with a former girlfriend who slept with four other men including a cousin of his while they were together. He also blamed another ex-girlfriend who allegedly recorded their sexual trysts without his consent. Amazing! I wonder how much money has Vicki Belo poured into Reli German’s PR arsenal to cook up such tales.

During the Senate hearing, Katrina Halili said she thought Hayden Kho was a doctor. She eventually realized he was a director. But after watching those post-Senate hearing interviews, Hayden Kho has exposed his talent in fiction. Brillante Mendoza’s got competition!

Elsewhere: Startalk’s editorial on the Hayden Kho sex video scandal aired last May 23, 2009.

In Other News…
Lim and Afuang
Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim visited former cop-turned tabloid columnist Abner Afuang at the Pasay City jail where he was detained following the dousing incident at the Senate. Lim said, “I want to sympathize and show my support for Abner.” Asked how he felt about Lim’s statement, Afuang said, “I feel like an oil depot.”

Influenza A
Health officials say there are now 14 confirmed cases of Influenza A (H1N1) in the country. But senators are not worried. That’s just 14. What’s fourteen compared to 40 sex videos?

Lakas-Kampi Merger
Administration-allied parties Lakas-CMD and Kampi have merged. But rumors say… this early, the newly-wed parties are already showing cracks… to which staunch opposition senator Jamby Madrigal said, “Awesome! I love cracks.”

Erap’s Comeback Film
Former president Joseph Estrada says he will gauge his 2010 presidential bid on the box-office results of his comeback movie, “Ang Tanging Ama N’yong Lahat.” Pwes! By all means, let us support a mass boycott of that film!

DOON, DITO
Doon… sa South Korea, ang dating pangulong iniimbestigahan dahil sa katiwalian… tumatalon sa building. Patay!
Dito… sa Pilipinas, ang dating pangulong napatunayan ang katiwalian… tumatakbo sa halalan. Patay… tayo d’yan!

Doon… sa Amerika, ang addict sa liposuction, inooperahan ng mga cosmetic surgeon.
Dito… sa Pilipinas, ang addict na cosmetic surgeon, hinahayaang mag-liposuction.

Doon… sa Afghanistan, binabato hanggang mamatay ang babaeng nagtataksil sa asawa.
Dito… sa Pilipinas, ang babaeng nagtaksil sa asawa, binoboto hanggang maging senadora.

Enjoy your weekend!

_______
“Obscenity is the sign of a weak mind trying to express itself.”
~Anonymous

Survey Says…
If Erap would run again for president, do you seriously believe he’ll win?
Not this time: 81%
Definitely, yes!: 19%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

finals2Congratulations to my Los Angeles Lakers: 2009 NBA Western Conference champions! See you in the finals!

HIGH NA KHO!

JAMBOY Jamby’s Inside Info
Virtually absolving Erik Chua of any liability, Sen. Jamby Madrigal told the press that she knew the identity of the high profile and famous person responsible for the spread of Hayden Kho’s sex videos. Shortly after Madrigal’s statement to the media, Sen. Manuel Villar Jr. issued a denial.

Sen. Jamby Madrigal says she knows the identity of the person responsible for the spread of the Hayden Kho sex videos. She promised to reveal the identity of that person… as soon as she had finished watching Maricar-Hayden Part 2: Now available for download online!

HAY_BRIZ Senate Hearing
Reports say the Senate will start its probe on the Hayden Kho sex video scandal on Thursday. THIS JUST IN! Senators consider postponing the hearing after former Press Secretary Ignacio Bunye surfaced and claimed that the videos being sold in Quiapo were fake and that he’s keeping the original copy.

hay_mom Mommy Kho Breaks Silence
Hayden Kho’s mother, Mrs. Irene Kho appeared on television Monday night and took the cudgels for her controversial son whom she described as “matino, mabait, and disente.” This statement left viewers wondrin’ whether it was Hayden or his mother who’s hooked on drugs.

Mrs. Irene Kho appeared on TV Monday night and blamed actress Katrina Halili, talent manager Lolit Solis, Sen. Bong Revilla, militant women’s rights group Gabriela, and other organizations for her son’s woes. She said, “Ang anak ko pinaglalaruan. Ang anak ko tinatapakan.” Apparently, Mrs. Kho has not seen her son’s lewd videos. Otherwise, she would have said, “Ang anak ko dinadaganan. Ang anak ko kinakain. Ang anak ko inuupuan. Ang anak ko pinapatungan.”

In defending Hayden Kho, a combative Mrs. Irene Kho lambasted Katrina Halili’s “acting,” blamed Lolit Solis and Bong Revilla for the sex scandal, and insisted that her beloved son is “matino, disente, at mabait.” Considering her devotion to Hayden, I wouldn’t be surprised if a video of mother and son starts surfacing soon.

hay_mom2
BREAKING NEWS! Mrs. Irene Kho has flatly denied rumors she is somehow related to renowned theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking.

Reacting to Mrs. Irene Kho’s tirades, talent manager Lolit Solis denounced Hayden Kho and called him “coward”, “hypocrite,” “traitor,” and “spoiled brat who went on a tantrum.” Oops, sorry, that wasn’t Lolit Solis. That’s Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile attacking Sen. Aquilino Pimentel Monday.

Pimentel vs. Enrile
After verbally attacking Sen. Aquilino Pimentel, Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile resigned Monday as chair of the Senate committee of the whole, which is hearing the ethics complaint against Sen. Manny Villar. On Tuesday however, reports say Enrile will remain as chair. Simply put, Enrile faked his resignation.

Light Bites
Q: What’s the difference between Mrs. Irene Kho and Dr. Vicki Belo?
A: One session of botox

Q: What happens when Vicki Belo gives Juan Ponce Enrile a botox injection without his consent?
A: Ambush makeover

Q: What’s the favorite pastime of Mrs. Irene Kho’s children?
A: “Hayden Sick”

Q: What’s grosser than gross?
A: A sex video of two impoverished teenage kids doing it inside a pedicab
Q: What’s grosser than that?
A: Mar Roxas telling one of the kids, “Anak, itabi mo. Ako naman.”

Q: What’s grosser than gross?
A: Manny Villar doing “it” with his wife in a car parked along C5 Road
Q: What’s grosser than that?
A: Manny Villar doing “it” with an “itik.”
Q: What’s grosser than that?
A: Manny Villar recorded it on video
Q: What’s even grosser than that?
A: Jamby Madrigal telling everyone she has her own copy of the evidence
Q: What’s even grosser than that?
A: Alan Peter Cayetano defending Manny Villar saying it was consensual.

Q: What’s grosser than gross?
A: Senators enjoying the Hayden Kho videos during an executive session
Q: What’s grosser than that?
A: Senators Loren and Angara excusing themselves even before the session is over
Q: What’s grosser than that?
A: Biazon and Enrile get a boner.
Q: What’s even grosser than that?
A: Miriam “gets wet.”
Q: What’s even grosser than that?
A: Jamby staring at Miriam’s crotch.
___________
“Addiction is a symptom of not growing up. I know people think it’s a disease… If you have a brain tumor, if you have cancer, that’s a disease. To say that an addiction is a disease is not fair to the real diseases of the world.”
~C. C. DeVille

ALARMING

duque
Influenza A
The second case of Influenza A (H1N1) in the country has been confirmed… prompting a Malacañang official to quip, “Buti pa ‘yong virus confirmed na. Sina Secretary Lito Atienza at Angelo Reyes, hindi pa.”

In the wake of the Influenza A threat, President Arroyo will visit an elementary school in Manila to spearhead a campaign for hygiene and sanitation in schools in time for the opening of classes on June 1. To demonstrate the fastest and surest way of cleaning up rooms… the president has personally invited Ted Failon and his maids.

Several Catholic Churches in the country have taken steps to prevent the possible spread of Influenza A (H1N1) – such as discouraging the holding of hands during Mass; distributing communion by hand, and advising priests to be less chummy with altar boys.

Catholic churches in the country will discourage the holding of hands during Mass. When Dr. Hayden Kho heard this, he said, “Ayoko nang magsimba!”

H1N1 Scare
With the second case of H1N1 in the country now confirmed, many Filipinos are now observing social-distancing. In fact, Jude Estrada was so alarmed by the news, he now refuses to touch his wife.

The H1N1 threat has become so alarming, Manny Villar refuses to socialize with his fellow senators.

The H1N1 threat has become so alarming, brothers Oscar and Manolo Lopez have stopped talking to each other.

hay_katblurred The Hayden Files: A Postscript

In case you haven’t heard, let me tell you that Dr. Hayden Kho has apologized for his actions. He said that recording his sexual trysts was “a lapse in judgment.” Here’s a portion of his “I Am Sorry” speech:

“Mga minamahal kong tagahanga,

For the last several weeks, the issue of the sex videos has spun out of control. Tonight, I want to set the record straight. You deserve an explanation from me, because you are the people who adore me.

I was anxious to chronicle my life and during that time had sex with many women, including a sexy young actress, a commercial model, a beauty queen, two Brazilians, a comedienne (Todo na ‘to mga friends!), and an elderly woman. My intent was not to embarrass them, although it did. As I mentioned, the erection has already been videotaped and the condom inserted. And as you remember, the outcome had been predicted by every major DVD store owner, and adjudged sleazy, obscene and explicit by international observers, and our own OMB.

That said, let me tell you how I personally feel. I recognize that recording the sexual acts was a lapse in judgment. I am shorry. I also regret taking so long to speak before you on this matter. I want to assure you that I have redoubled my efforts to get psychiatric treatment and earn your trust.

Nagagambala ako. Maliwanag na may kakulangan sa wastong pagpapasya ang nangyaring pagrerecord ko ng aking pakikipagtalik. Pinagsisisihan ko ito nang lubos. Humihingi ako ng tawad sa inyo, sa lahat ng mga butihing mamamayan na nabawasan ng tiwala dahil sa mga pangyayaring ito. Ibig kong tiyakin sa inyo na lalo pa akong magsisikap upang malinis ang aking pangalan at matamo ang inyong tiwala.

I now want to close this chapter and move on with the business of entertaining. I ask each and everyone of you to join hands with me in a show of unity, to help forge one Philippine showbiz, where everyone is equal under the law, and everybody has the opportunity to use their God-given talents to make a better life.

Condemn the sin, not the sinner. God bless Philippine showbiz!”

adel Did you watch GMA 7’s Startalk last Saturday? If not, you have just missed the official launch of opposition lawyer Adel Tamano’s senatorial bid.

Dr. Vicki Belo’s legal counsel, Adel Tamano revealed that someone demanded P4 million from Belo in exchange for her video with Hayden Kho… a claim dismissed as “insane” by DVD vendors in Quiapo who said that their fake Vicki Belo-Hayden Kho sex videos wouldn’t even sell at P20.

Former opposition spokesman Adel Tamano revealed that someone demanded P4 million from Belo in exchange for her video with Hayden Kho. Seriously? Four million for Vicki Belo’s sex video?!? Come on. Who would want to see their grandma banging her driver?

hay_vik Dr. Vicki Belo’s lawyer Adel Tamano admits that a Vicki Belo-Hayden Kho sex video exists but insists that it was “tamer.” In other words, it wasn’t that hot and steamy; otherwise, Vicki Belo’s nose, jaw, cheeks, boobs, thighs, and tummy would have melted.

Lawyer Adel Tamano says Vicki Belo’s sex video with Hayden Kho was “tamer” – something that was believable since it’s kind of difficult to have sex with a wax figure.

Appearing live on GMA 7’s Startalk, former opposition spokesman Adel Tamano claimed that someone demanded P4 million from Belo in exchange for her video with Hayden Kho. Asked why such a huge amount for her client’s explicit video, Tamano said, “Off the record, 4 million pesos is a relatively small amount as compared to the value of the video’s main attraction: my client’s 5 million peso-rejuvenated twat.”

Light Bites
Q: What goes up when Joseph Estrada and Manny Pacquiao sit down for a talk?
A: Their combined IQ. It becomes 175.

Q: Why does Sen. Lito Lapid refuse to tutor his youngest daughter on Influenza A (H1N1)?
A: He hates algebra.

From a friend:
Q: Ano ang sasabihin mo kapag nag-hi sa ‘yo si Katrina Halili?
A: “Hayden.”
____________
“Hygiene is two thirds of health.”
– Lebanese Proverb


Elsewhere
Congratulations to Filipino director Brillante Mendoza who received the Best Director award for his film “Kinatay” at the recently concluded 62nd Cannes Film Festival. Awesome! He won against Academy Award winner Ang Lee, Academy Award nominees Pedro Almodovar and Jane Campion and acclaimed director Quentin Tarantino. Galing!

Survey Says…
Should the PRC revoke Dr. Hayden Kho’s medical license?
Yes: 67%
No: 26%
Not sure: 7%
We have a new survey. Please vote now.

FRIDAY LIGHT BITES

Oh, what a week!

Just when presidentiables Ping Lacson, Loren Legarda, Richard Gordon, and Mar Roxas thought it would be a “Manny Villar on the hot seat” week, Bong Revilla enters the picture and grabs the limelight. Or as American Idol judge Randy Jackson would say, “Dawg! You came here prepared and you made it your own!”

Before I cap the week off with another dose of light bites…

Have you heard the news? Health officials have confirmed the first case of Influenza A infection in the country! The dreaded virus is definitely here. When Sen. Lito Lapid heard this, he immediately instructed his chief of staff to download Norton or AVG.

hay+maniac Hayden Apologizes
Hayden Kho has apologized for video recording his sexual trysts with different women. He has also volunteered to suspend his practice of medicine… to focus instead on producing “indie” films.

below Dr. Vicki Belo finally admits that she also has sex videos with Hayden Kho. Lawmakers are now checking on whether there’s enough law against sexual predators to protect the elderly.

Light Bites
Q: What is over 6 feet vertically and 4.5 inches horizontally?
A: An “excited” Hayden Kho in front of the camera

Q: If Hayden Kho were Manny Villar, how would he make women happy?
A: Double the budget for them

Q: If Hayden Kho were Panfilo Lacson, how would he make women happy?
A: Sunud-sunod na putok.

Q: If Hayden Kho were Richard Gordon, how would he make women happy?
A: Do not rely on his tongue.

Q: If Hayden Kho were Mar Roxas, how would he make a woman happy?
A: Bring her to a noontime show, cry in front of the cameras, and tell her, “Ikaw ang nagpatigil sa aking pagkabinata.”

Q: If Hayden Kho were Jejomar Binay, how would he make women happy?
A: He waits ‘til they get old and then asks them to reside in Makati City

Q: If Hayden Kho were Noli De Castro, how would he make women happy?
A: Simple lang, PAG-IBIG.

Q: How can Hayden Kho make Loren Legarda happy?
A: He cannot. He’s not in his 70s yet.

Q: If Hayden Kho were Mar Roxas, how would he make women happy?
A: Puuutang-i*a! Sinagot ko na ‘yan ah!?!

Enjoy your weekend!

LOOK WHO’S TALKING

bongREV

Bong, Hayden, & Sex Videos

In a privilege speech Tuesday, Sen. Bong Revilla hit Dr. Hayden Kho for recording his kinky sexual encounters with actress Katrina Halili and several other women. People who have seen the videos say they were really shocked by the sexual acts – although they were more shocked to hear Bong Revilla lecturing Hayden Kho on morality.

HAY-OP Lawmakers, feminists, and even his colleagues in the medical profession slammed Dr. Hayden Kho for the spread of his explicit sex videos. But here’s the strange thing: Sen. Bong Revilla, in a privilege speech Tuesday castigated Hayden Kho for his alleged immoral act. Now that’s like Jose Miguel Arroyo criticizing Ferdinand Marcos for being corrupt.

Sen. Bong Revilla had written the Professional Regulation Commission to revoke the license of Dr. Hayden Kho saying his recent acts were insulting to women. In retaliation, Hayden’s parents wrote the Commission on Elections to do a recount of Revilla’s votes saying his victory was insulting to Filipinos.

After Sen. Bong Revilla’s privilege speech, other senators expressed interest on the issue, and even suggested that a probe be conducted on the “Hayden files”. Panfilo Lacson and Jamby Madrigal, in particular, wanted to know if there was “double insertion.”

HAYDEN_KAT The sizzling videos of Dr. Hayden Kho and Katrina Halili so outraged Sen. Bong Revilla he was compelled to bring the issue to the Senate. He was really angry. But if you think you’ve seen Bong at his angriest, wait ‘til he sees the video of Hayden Kho banging Rufa Mae Quinto.

In a privilege speech, Sen. Bong Revilla denounced Dr. Hayden Kho for being a “maniac” – to which the embattled Hayden replied, “Bakit? Sino ba ang may walumpu’t walong anak sa iba’t ibang babae? Ako ba?”

This just in! A cause-oriented group promoting the welfare of senior citizens has begun to draft a statement against Hayden Kho. This is in preparation for the anticipated spread of the Hayden Kho-Vicki Belo sex videos.

Reports say militant group Gabriela will support Katrina Halili if she decides to file a case against Hayden Kho… prompting the celebrity doctor to issue statement clarifying that he’s not an American serviceman.

vicki_belo Vicki Belo was reportedly watching a newscast with a group of highend clients when a portion of Bong Revilla’s speech lambasting her beloved boy toy was shown. The utter humiliation melted her face.

Rumors say Katrina Halili and other women who had sex with Dr. Hayden Kho will surface to tell their side of the story. Yes, they are now ready, and are no longer afraid. To give you an idea how prepared they are, they all agreed to appear in a TV ad called “Ako Mismo… Ang Nasa Video!”

hay_files Have you seen the explicit videos of Hayden Kho with his victims? That was like the ghastliest thing Filipinos have ever seen… since the TV debut of Mar Roxas’ “Padyak” ads.

Remember when Jun Lozada was hailed by the UST community when he spoke against the ZTE-NBN deal? They trumpeted the values learned by Lozada from the priests of UST in full-page print ads. I’m wonderin’: was UST alum Hayden Kho absent when the priests taught the same set of values?

Bong & Alec Baldwin

Even before he spoke about, and against Hayden Kho, Bong Revilla was already in the news slamming Emmy Award-winning actor Alec Baldwin for his alleged “racial slur” against Filipinas when he guested on the “Late Show with David Letterman.” Baldwin joked about Filipinas as mail-order-brides. Can you believe it? Neither do I. Bong Revilla watching Letterman?!? ‘Di nga?!

Super Lotto

Nobody has won Super Lotto’s jackpot prize of 116 million pesos… although every lotto bettor who’s seen the Hayden-Katrina videos felt like a winner.

Survey Says…

On the Martin Nievera national anthem brouhaha…

Impose the law: 49%

Law? What law!?: 29%

Deadma: 22%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

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“Pornography is the attempt to insult sex, to do dirt on it.”

~D.H. Lawrence

THE PROSECUTOR

resado1 Postscript to a Bank Deposit
Believe it or not, I received an anonymous letter last night. The letter, signed by a certain Juan De La Cruz asked why haven’t I heckled embattled DOJ prosecutor John Resado.

The moment I opened the letter, I knew it was authentic… mainly because it was not written on a DOJ letterhead.

DOJ Prosecutor John Resado denied accepting bribe money and insisted that the 800,000 pesos he deposited at BDO on the same the day he signed a resolution dismissing the case against the Alabang Boys came from his lending business in the Camiling Public Market in Tarlac. The unusually huge amount has prompted the Department of Foreign Affairs to verify reports that Resado is an overstaying Indian national.

reaado Have you seen or heard DOJ Prosecutor John Resado speak on TV. Geez! He must be telling the truth. Nahh, not about the bribery scandal. Mukha talaga siyang lalaking nagpapautang sa palengke.

Now, here’s the latest on John Resado. In the event that he’s disbarred by the Supreme Court, he’s reportedly planning to run for public office in Camiling in 2010. His campaign slogan? “Ang totoong Mr. Palengke.”

Intel Outside
You’ve probably heard this: some 1,800 Intel employees will be laid-off soon because the world’s biggest computer chip maker is shutting down its facility in Cavite. Soon-to-be jobless employees are seeking the advice of DOJ Prosecutor John Resado on how to start a lending business.

Jobless Pinoys
Sen. Edgardo Angara says close to 60,000 Filipinos could lose their jobs abroad due to the global recession. When Sen. Manuel Villar heard this, he told his staff, “Great! Marami na naman akong sasalubungin. Ihanda ang camera!”

Loren’s Life?
Reports say Sen. Loren Legarda is launching a new coffee table book. Titled “Loren: A Celebration of Life and Nature”, the picture book is said to be a compilation of Loren’s beliefs, principles, thoughts, and advocacies on women, children, the environment, governance and nature. In short, election paraphernalia.

Sen. Loren Legarda is launching a coffee table book in time for her 49th birthday. Titled “Loren: A Celebration of Life and Nature,” the 200-page picture book is reportedly a compilation of Loren’s thoughts and beliefs on women, children, governance and nature, which has evolved throughout her 30 years as a broadcast journalist, daughter, mother, friend, sister and two-termer senator. Again, that’s two-termer, not two-timer.

Sen. Loren Legarda turns 49 on January 28. Can you believe that? One more year and she’ll be 50… or as Hayden Kho would call it, “girlfriend material.”

PBA Finals
Talk ‘N Text and Alaska will slug it out for the championship of the PBA Philippine Cup. They used to refer to it as the “All-Filipino Cup”… until ordinary fans noticed the only genuine Filipinos left inside the court were the referees.

Elsewhere…

Newsbreak has something “juicy” on Chief Justice Reynato Puno and an item on the alleged rift between the Ombudsman and the DOJ chief.

Know more about Pseudomonas aeruginosa, the bacterium that killed Brazilian model Mariana Bridi da Costa.

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“An autobiography is only to be trusted when it reveals something disgraceful. A man who gives a good account of himself is probably lying, since any life when viewed from the inside is simply a series of defeats.”
~George Orwell