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ICYMI: SECOND OPINION

17 10 2018

First published in the Philippine Daily Inquirer last October 14, 2018.

During a Cabinet meeting, President Duterte announced that the recent tests on his esophagus came back negative for cancer. Members of the Cabinet erupted in cheers and congratulated the President. Suddenly, his liver spoke, “Don’t celebrate just yet.”

The President and his family went on an unannounced trip to Hong Kong recently, apparently, to seek second opinion. The next day, Mr. Duterte got the confirmation: t-shirts and jackets cost less in Hong Kong.

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Chief Presidential Legal Counsel Salvador Panelo is replacing Harry Roque. He is now the President’s chief sanitary engineer.

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President Duterte revealed when outgoing presidential spokesman Harry Roque told him he wanted to resign, he replied, “Go ahead!” Breaking: Harry Roque’s heart.

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Harry Roque is currently in China for a private engagement. But he’ll be back tomorrow. He can’t wait to consult his family, talk to the President, and update his curriculum vitae.

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Alan Peter Cayetano has stepped down as foreign affairs secretary. Reports say he is seeking a congressional post, and wants to be Speaker. Oh, he probably misses it. He’s been very quiet for more than two years now.

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Former police chief Ronald ‘Bato’ de la Rosa, who is seeking a Senate seat, was recently quoted to have said, “Galit na galit ako sa gumagawa ng EJKs. Ang gumagawa niyan walang b****g!” When President Duterte heard this, he sought for a second opinion.

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Feuding half-brothers JV Ejercito and Jinggoy Estrada are both running for senator. But JV, who pushed for the passage of a bill banning political dynasties, believes it’s not acceptable to have two Estradas in the Senate. And the Cayetano siblings were like, “Okay lang ‘yun!”

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Folk artist and staunch Duterte supporter, Freddie Aguilar has filed his certificate of candidacy for senator. Aguilar is a cultural icon whose music we grew up listening to. I can’t wait to not vote for him in 2019.

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Anson Tuana, a 39-year-old senatorial aspirant, who also filed his COC, claimed he was an ex-boyfriend of resigned Assistant Presidential Communications Secretary Mocha Uson. A number of people actually believed Tuana’s claim saying ‘the customer is always right.’

Anson Tuana claimed he was an ex-boyfriend of Mocha Uson. Uson’s supporters say Tuana is a liar who spreads lies. To which, Tuana replied, “That’s exactly why we clicked.”

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In Makati City, siblings Junjun and Abby Binay are on a collision course as both have expressed interest in running for mayor next year. Taking a potshot at his sister’s “different” style of governance, Junjun says he carries the “Binay brand, the brand of governance that my father did for the people of Makati.” To which, the Makati City Hall Building II said, “I know, right?”

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The Philippine Drug Enforcement Agency (PDEA) says methamphetamine hydrochloride or shabu has “flooded” the streets of Metro Manila. When told about it, President Duterte ordered PDEA to take over the operations of the MMDA.

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Prices of basic commodities continue to rise but the cost of shabu has reportedly dropped by more than a third. This has prompted the President to revamp his economic team to include people from the Bureau of Customs.

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Former Assistant Presidential Communications Secretary Mocha Uson claims Communist rebels are to be blamed if she gets killed. The country is in crisis. We don’t have the luxury of fairy tales. Next issue please.

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Two persons allegedly won the more than one billion peso-Ultra Lotto 6/58 jackpot. To the administration candidates in next year’s elections, congratulations!
____________________________________________________________________________________
“It is hard to imagine a more stupid or more dangerous way of making decisions than by putting those decisions in the hands of people who pay no price for being wrong.”
~Thomas Sowell

Sound Bites
“Well, eventually, uod man magiging butterfly ulit so inggit ka lang, you’re stuck as an uod. Butterfly tayo!”
~Harry Roque during his GGV guesting

Pak!

Twitter: @hecklerforever8

[Photo: Philippine Star]

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THE PLANE CRASH

31 05 2018

PicPlance Crash

1PlaneCrash V2





IT’S JOC TIME!

29 10 2008


Jocjoc Bolante is Back
Former agriculture undersecretary Jocelyn Bolante is back in the country. Upon his arrival, the very prompt eight-member team from the Office of the Senate Sergeant-at-Arms read the Upper Chamber’s order for his arrest. The first line of the arrest order reads, “We, the Senators of the Republic of the Philippines, fooled by Eliseo De La Paz last week, vow not to be fooled for the second consecutive week.”

Former agriculture undersecretary Jocelyn Bolante arrived Tuesday night. In his arrival statement, Jocjoc said, “Now that I am back, I assure you that I will answer any and all accusations at the proper forum. I am ready to face the issues and all the malicious accusations against me.” He then denied rumors that ex-PNP comptroller Eliseo De La Paz wrote that statement for him.

When he is discharged from the hospital, Jocjoc Bolante will be detained at the Senate. A Philippine Star report says the detention room has air-conditioning unit, a bed, cable TV, electric fan, conference table, book shelf, white board, single bed, and two sofas. Nope, we’re not describing Claudio Teehankee Jr’s cell at the New Bilibid Prisons.

The Quezon City Police District has deployed its personnel to provide round-the-clock security for former agriculture undersecretary Jocelyn “Joc-joc” Bolante. The Senate has also sent eight men to protect him. Can anyone please check if there’s any security guy left for UN Secretary General Ban Ki Moon?

An Inquirer report says former agriculture undersecretary Jocjoc Bolante’s house in the posh Ayala Alabang village showed no sign that his homecoming would be festive. The uninhabited 80 million peso-mansion of the alleged architect of the “fertilizer fund scam” is adorned by ornamental plants, palm trees… and a couple of scarecrows.

Unconfirmed reports say the St. Luke’s Medical Center has released its latest medical bulletin on the health condition of former agriculture undersecretary Jocjoc Bolante. His blood test showed unusual quantities of nitrogen, phosphorus and potassium (N-P-K).

Rodolfo “Jun” Lozada and his nun friends from La Salle wanted to visit Jocjoc Bolante at St. Luke’s Medical Center but the security was really tight. So tight that it’s reportedly even tighter than Lozada’s nun friends.

Like Hollywood’s notorious paparazzi, dozens of media men and women swooped in on former agriculture undersecretary Jocelyn Bolante when he arrived at the NAIA last night. Next to Chris Tiu, Bolante is perhaps the most talked-about Atenean at this moment.

Finally!
Jocjoc Bolante has finally been returned. We have waited so long for this event to happen. To give you an idea how long we have waited, when Bolante fled the country, he looked like First Gentleman Mike Arroyo. When he arrived, he looked more like Joker Arroyo.

Jocjoc Bolante is finally back. We have waited so long for this event to happen. To give you an idea how long it was, lawyer Harry Roque’s waist line was still 27 when it all started.

Jocjoc Bolante is back guys. Finally, he’s back. We have waited so long for this event to happen. To give you an idea how long it has been, the price of gasoline was at the 25 pesos per liter level when he left.

Jocjoc Bolante is finally back. We have waited so long for this moment to happen. To give you an idea how long it has been: when Jocjoc Bolante left the country, Jose De Venecia was still GMA’s caddie when she played golf in China.

Jocjoc Bolante is finally back. We have waited so long for this moment to arrive. To give you an idea how long it has been: when Jocjoc Bolante left the country, Rustom Padilla was still straight.

Elsewhere

Check out the Guitar Hero World Tour advertisement featuring Michael Phelps, Tony Hawk, Alex Rodriguez and of course, THE Kobe Bryant.

One Flu Over the Cute-cute’s Nest
The Professional Heckler is currently down with flu.
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He who holds the ladder is as bad as the thief.
— German Proverb





ETHICAL

23 10 2008

NTC vs. ABS-CBN
For airing an interview with wanted MILF leader Kumander Bravo, the National Telecommunications Commission filed a complaint to the KBP against ABS-CBN. The NTC says the network violated the KBP’s Broadcast Code of 2007 particularly the provision that states, “”broadcast facilities shall not be used or allowed to be used for advocating the overthrow of government by force or violence,” and “the broadcast of materials which tend to incite treason, rebellion, sedition or create civil disorder or disturbance is prohibited.” This marks the first time NTC officials filed such a complaint against ABS-CBN… which could only mean one thing: they haven’t actually listened to DZMM’s “Tambalang Failon and Sanchez.”

NTC vs. ABS-CBN II
The NTC filed a complaint to the KBP against ABS-CBN for airing an interview with rogue MILF leader Kumander Bravo who is wanted by the military. But ABS-CBN News head Maria Ressa insists that the Kumander Bravo interview is a legitimate and ethical story and that ABS-CBN will not suspend the airing of his interviews… unless he starts talking about Nadia Montenegro’s love life.

NTC vs. ABS-CBN III
ABS-CBN successfully located and interviewed rogue MILF commander Bravo who has a 10 million-peso bounty on his head and is wanted by the Armed Forces of the Philippines. Outraged military officials who watched the interview vowed to intensify the info gathering and massive manhunt for Bravo in the Lanao Provinces, and soon at the ABS-CBN newsroom.

Meralco’s Power Rate Hike
Amid difficult times, the Lopez-owned Manila Electric Company or Meralco implemented a 36 percent power rate increase. Militant leader Rafael Mariano described the increase as “deceitful.” Cong. Mikey Arroyo believed it was “unjustified.” ABS-CBN News said it was “legitimate and ethical.”

“Euro Generals” Controversy
Retired Philippine National Police director for comptrollership Eliseo De La Paz underwent normal arrival procedures at the NAIA when he arrived Tuesday. Airport manager Angel Atutubo said De La Paz was not treated as a VIP and not a single marshal was assigned to escort him. Atutubo was understandably being careful… because the last time he escorted someone out of the airport, the La Salle Brothers accused him of kidnapping!

“Euro Generals” Controversy II
This has yet to be confirmed but retired PNP director for comptrollership Eliseo De La Paz will reportedly bring to the Senate what’s left of the undeclared 6.9 million pesos cash he was caught carrying in Moscow. To be sure it’s the real stuff, Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago wanted to hire canines to sniff out the money. But Sen. Panfilo Lacson said there’s no need for a K9 unit… as long as Senators Alan Peter and Joker Arroyo are there.

“Euro Generals” Controversy III
Retired PNP director for comptrollership Eliseo De La Paz and DILG Sec. Ronaldo Puno have conflicting claims with regard to the 6.9 million pesos worth of undeclared cash De La Paz carried while in Russia. De La Paz said the money was a “cash advance” while Puno claimed it was a “contingency” fund. But De La Paz’ wife, Maria Fe who traveled with him to Russia said, “I couldn’t really tell whether it was a cash advance or a contingency fund because when my husband handed me the money, he just said, “Sweetheart, ingatan mo ‘to… pang-shopping!”

Jocjoc to be Deported
US authorities will deport former agriculture undersecretary Jocjoc Bolante before the end of October. But Bolante’s legal counsel Ira Azulay refused to reveal the exact return date saying, “We’re concerned about his safety.” That’s actually a valid concern… because if he gets “kidnapped” when he arrives at the NAIA, he cannot expect support from the La Salle Brothers. He’s Atenean.

Jocjoc to be Deported 2
Lawyer Harry Roque is all over the news again announcing with certainty that former agriculture undersecretary Jocjoc Bolante will be deported in 24 hours. I know for a fact that Roque’s a UP professor (and I admire him) but I didn’t know he’s with the US Department of Homeland Security.

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Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
– Plato





FOR THE FOURTH TIME

14 10 2008

null
Impeachment Complaint vs. GMA
Losing NBN contract bidder Jose “Joey” De Venecia III said there “was nothing political” about his filing of a new impeachment complaint against President Arroyo. So ano ‘yon? Showbiz?!?

null Unknown to many, lawyer Oliver Lozano did try to submit his impeachment complaint ahead of the De Venecia group last Monday. Unfortunately though, he arrived late because his driver plied the C5 route instead of Edsa. It was too late for them to realize they were driving along the “road to nowhere.”

Losing NBN bidder Jose “Joey” De Venecia III, former congressman Rolex Suplico and lawyer Harry Roque led the filing of a new impeachment complaint against President Arroyo. Nine more and the opposition’s senatorial slate for 2010 is complete.

House Speaker Prospero Nograles and Minority Floor Leader Ronaldo Zamora both stressed, “The impeachment is a numbers game,” to which former president Joseph Estrada said, “Talaga? Kelan pa?!? Paano mag-franchise?”

President Arroyo is facing yet another impeachment complaint. That’s the fourth time her critics have tried to unseat her and the fourth time actor Rez Cortez tried to resurrect his career.

According to reports, Joey De Venecia woke up a bit early to file the impeachment complaint against Mrs. Arroyo. Close friends however claim, Joey had no sleep when he went to Batasan. He’s gotten used to it though. You know… habit. (Itanong n’yo pa kay Luli.)

GMA’s Ratings
The latest Social Weather Stations survey showed that 27% are satisfied and 54% are dissatisfied with President Arroyo’s performance. The remaining 19% replied, “Aba malay ko! Ako ba ang asawa niya?!”

Loren Online
Reports say Sen. Loren Legarda has formally launched her Friendster, Myspace, and Multiply accounts as well as her official website. But Legarda denied it had something to do with her political plans for 2010. It’s just her latest effort to… “romantically move on.”

Loren Online II
Reports say Sen. Loren Legarda has opened accounts in three social networking sites: Friendster, MySpace, and Multiply… to which Sen. Jamby Madrigal said, “Hmpf! Gaya-gaya! Matagal na kaya akong may Downelink!”

null Sulpicio vs. PAGASA
The Manila RTC junked the case filed by Sulpicio Lines against the local weather bureau, PAGASA. Sulpicio Lines has blamed the MV Princess of the Stars tragedy to PAGASA’s alleged inaccurate forecast… to which the court said, “Tandaan: Ang maniwala sa sabi-sabi walang bait sa sarili.”

Strict Policies null
I don’t know if you’ve heard the news but ABS-CBN News bigwig Maria Ressa has fired Umagang Kayganda showbiz segment host Ogie Diaz for reportedly violating their code of ethics. Diaz is just unfortunate he’s part of Ressa’s team. If he were part of the senate, he’d surely keep his post.

null Strict Policies II
For violating the news department’s code of ethics, tv host Ogie Diaz was sacked from Umagang Kayganda by ABS-CBN News boss Maria Ressa. If Ressa were head of ABS-CBN Entertainment, the Lopez network would be a virtual ghost town.

null I Witnessed…
… Sen. Jamby Madrigal and husband Eric Valade in our special screening of the Diane Lane-Richard Gere starrer Nights in Rodanthe at Powerplant Cinema earlier this evening. Jamby approached us and asked if she could attend the by-invitation-only screening although she didn’t have tickets. We let them in. She looked haggard. Para silang mag-tiya ng kanyang asawa. She likes movies pala. I might send her invites to our sneak preview of “Twilight.”

Finally…
After 23 days, I’ve claimed my 2008 Philippine Blog Awards trophy.

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Crime does not pay … as well as politics.
– Alfred Newman








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