THE JOB INTERVIEW (Awkwaaard!)

Applicant: Rodrigo Duterte
Boss: Why do you want this job?

Duterte: I don’t! Napilitan lang talaga.

1DuterteCay
Leading
In a recent survey commissioned by a Davao-based businessman, Social Weather Stations asked the respondents: “Kasama dito si Rodrigo Duterte bilang isang substitute candidate. Sino po ang malamang ninyong iboboto bilang PRESIDENTE NG PILIPINAS, kung ang eleksyon ay gaganapin ngayon?” Results showed Mayor Duterte was leading. Very much like the survey question.

Solution
Mayor Rodrigo Duterte says to rid the country of corruption and felony, five criminals must be killed every week. If strictly followed, it would still take 65 days to totally wipe out Congress.

Wrong Number
Davao City Mayor Rodrigo Duterte has denied rumors he had killed 700 people. During an ambush interview, the presidential aspirant clarified he killed “around 1,700” – the same number of jokes that have come out of his mouth since he declared his bid for the presidency.

Curfew
If elected president, Mayor Rodrigo Duterte will impose a 1 AM curfew for commercial establishments in the National Capital Region. In other news, the results of the latest NCR survey are out. From first place in November, Duterte has now dropped to fourth.

Job Interview
They say running for president is like applying for a job. Here’s what could happen if we interview them.

Applicant: Jejomar Binay
Boss (Filipinos): Where do you see yourself in five years?

Binay: In a house.

Boss: Vacation?

Binay: House arrest.

Applicant: Rodrigo Duterte
Boss: Why should we hire you?

*Duterte pulls out a gun*

Boss: When do you wanna start?

Applicant: Grace Poe
Boss: What are your weaknesses?

Poe: Numbers.

Boss: Math?

Poe: No. Counting, especially months and years.

Applicant: Mar Roxas
Boss: What are your salary requirements?

Mar: Salary? Ha-ha-ha! SALARY!? Bwa-ha-ha!

Boss:

Mar: Sorry. Natawa talaga ako. Mapera na ako. I just wanna win.

Applicant: Grace Poe
Boss: Are you a leader or a follower?

Poe: I’m an American.

Boss:

Poe: Just kidding! I got you there. Ha-ha-ha! Biro lang.

Applicant: Jejomar Binay
Boss: What did you like least about your last job?

Binay: Ahmmm… the City Hall 2 parking.

Boss:

Binay: And my vice mayor too.

Applicant: Rodrigo Duterte
Boss: Why do you want this job?

Duterte: I don’t! Napilitan lang talaga.

Boss:

Duterte: O, ba’t ganyan ka tumingin? ‘Yan ang totoo eh. Anong magagawa ko?! Pisti!

Applicant: Jejomar Binay
Boss: Have you ever been fired from a job?

Binay: May tsismis pa lang. Baka raw sa February. ‘Di ko pa sure. Let’s see.

Applicant: Mar Roxas
Boss: How would you deal with an angry or irate customer?

Mar: No. The question should be: How would you deal with an angry or irate me?

Boss:

Mar: Seryoso! Nagmumura ako ‘pag galit.

Applicant: Grace Poe
Boss: Where were you born?

Poe:

Boss: Awkwaaaaard. Sorry. Let me rephrase the question.

Applicant: Mayor Duterte
Boss: How would you fire someone?

Duterte:

Boss: Awkwaaaard! Let me rephrase the question again.

Applicant: Mar Roxas
Boss: Aside from your wife, what is your biggest weakness?

Mar:

Boss: Awkwaaaard! Sorry. Let me reph

Mar: Don’t. Actually, s’ya talaga.

Applicant: Jejomar Binay
Boss: To answer your question, no, you don’t call us. We will call you.

Binay: Kesyo ba pandak, nognog, mahirap… hindi na matatanggap?

Boss: Oo. Gano’n na nga.

Binay:

Boss: Awkwaaaaard! Joke lang.

1DT
Trump
Republican candidate Donald Trump wants to ban Muslims from entering the United States. The outspoken businessman has been attacking Muslims recently. He’s got some really harsh words for them – fueling speculations he was molested by an imam when he was a freshman high school.

Businessman and potential Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump has proposed to ban all Muslims from entering the United States. In response, Muslims have proposed to ban assholes from entering the presidential elections.
———————————————————————————————————-
“Neither a man nor a crowd nor a nation can be trusted to act humanely or to think sanely under the influence of a great fear.”
~ Bertrand Russell, Unpopular Essays

Sound Bites
“Ang gobyerno o ang mga tao na umaabuso sa mga karapatang pantao ay lumalabag sa International Human Rights at walang karapatang mamuno sa ating bansa.”
~Sen. Grace Poe

Uphold the law.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Poe/Roxas/Binay: Inquirer.net; Duterte/Cayetano: GMA Network; Donald Trump: Business Insider]

POE FRANCIS

A day after Grace Poe announced her bid for the presidency at the UP Bahay ng Alumni, Sen. Francis Escudero “accepted” Poe’s challenge to be her running mate.

poejOURNALph
LAST SEPTEMBER 16, Sen. Grace Poe officially declared her intention to run for president of the Philippines. It was an important declaration decided with the help of family, friends, and surveys.

In 2009, President Aquino was the most popular candidate. Today, at least according to the most recent surveys, it’s Grace Poe. Apparently, survey respondents wanted someone who is new, fresh, and with a popular dead parent.

In making her decision to run for president of the Republic of the Philippines, Grace Poe said, “I wanted to continue what my father, FPJ had started.” Specifically, these are:
1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

Sen. Grace Poe is running for president. She thus joined a long list of women who had said “no” to President Aquino.

A day after Grace Poe announced her bid for the presidency at the UP Bahay ng Alumni, Sen. Francis Escudero “accepted” Poe’s challenge to be her running mate. Chiz made the declaration at Club Filipino. Originally, Grace Poe wanted to make her announcement also at Club Filipino but club members said, “This is Club Filipino. We repeat, ‘Filipino.’”

Grace Poe has officially declared her bid for the presidency. In her speech though, she didn’t identify her party. Rumors say she is still torn between two: Republican and Democratic.

Sen. Grace Poe has officially declared her intention to run for president. Going super full blast soon: TV ads, on-ground campaign, and Edgar Erice’s attacks on her.

Enumerating her goals, the first-term senator acknowledged that “traffic situation takes away not just our precious time, it tests our patience.” Which begs the question, why did you support the INC protests on EDSA?

Sen. Grace Poe also vowed to “hold the corrupt accountable, whether they be friend or foe.” In totally unrelated news, Jinggoy and Bong are now reportedly campaigning hard for Jejomar Binay.

Former Zamboanga del Norte Representative Romeo Jalosjos, a convicted child rapist, was present at the UP Bahay ng Alumni last Wednesday to support Grace Poe. Nothing much has changed. Jalosjos like ’em young and fresh.
——————————————————————————————————————————————–
“People with ambition don’t give a damn what other people think of them.”
~Diane Setterfield

Sound Bites
Binay: Ituro mo sa akin. Nasaan?
Student: Hanapin na lang po ninyo, sir. Di ninyo yata nakikita.
Binay: Mga 3% or 5% lang ang informal settlers sa amin sa Makati.
Student: Eh ‘di mayroon pa rin, sir. Sabi ninyo wala.
~Exchange between Vice President Binay and UP Los Baños student and Mandaluyong City resident Lucky Patrick Lopez during a forum in UPLB

“Three percent lang ang informal settlers sa Makati, sabihin na nga nating halos wala. Lumabas ang kabastusan ng bata.”
~Vice President Binay

Have a great weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo: Journal.com.ph]