REJECTED SONA OPENING LINES

MALACAÑANG says President Aquino’s State of the Nation Address (SONA) is still “a work in progress.” Arguably, the most difficult part is writing the opening. Several suggestions were allegedly submitted to the palace but these were all rejected.


Top 15 Rejected State of the Nation Address Opening Lines

No. 15: “Congratulations to my team, the Miami Heat! To Fil-Am coach Eric Spoelstra, we are so proud of you!”

No. 14: “First, some good news! Isa sa inyo ay opisyal nang kinilala ng Guinness World Records. Masigabong palakpakan para kay Crocodile Lolong! Woohoo!”

No. 13: “Bago ang aking talumpati, isa munang panalangin. Kung hindi ka kumportable sa gagawin namin, lumabas ka muna ng session hall Kabataan Party-list Representative Raymond Palatino.

No. 12: “Ang talumpati ko ngayong hapon ay taos-puso kong inihahandog kay Renato Coronado Corona. Har har har”

No. 11: “Ang kay Juan ay kay Juan at ang kay Pedro ay kay Pedro. Ang Scarborough Shoal ay sa Pilipinas, at ang Pilipinas ay sa mga Tsino, este sa mga Pilipino. Lalaban tayo!”

No. 10: “Lahat ng present sa joint session na ito ng Kongreso ay awtomatikong tatanggap ng bonus dahil sa mahusay n’yong performance sa impeachment trial! Sorry na lang sa mga absent!”

No. 9: “State of the Nation Address ka ba?”
Lawmakers: Bakit?
Kasi, bolero ka eh! Boom!”

No. 8: “Ayon sa Forbes, mula labing-isa, umakyat na sa labinlima ang bilang ng bilyonaryo sa Pilipinas! Bukod d’yan, may kakayahan na rin tayong magpautang ng isang bilyong dolyar sa IMF. Hindi na talaga mapigilan ang ating pag-unlad. Todo na ‘to!”

No. 7: “Let us show the world that Filipinos are a united people. Upang matiyak na magti-trend worldwide sa Twitter ang speech ko ngayong hapon, use hashtag #SONA. Thank you.”

No. 6: “Let us bow our heads and offer a moment of silence for the demise of my so-called lovelife.”

No. 5: “Nagagalak akong ihayag na may napili na akong bagong Chief Justice ng Supreme Court. Pero hindi ko sasabihin ang pangalan. Para mas exciting, let’s play Pinoy Henyo!”

No. 4: “Narito ang mga balitang dapat n’yong malaman, sumasalamin sa katotohanan sa ating bayan. Ito ang State of the Nation. Teka, parang narinig ko na ‘to ah!”

No. 3: “Marami pang bakanteng slots sa Liberal Party for next year’s senatorial elections. ‘Taas ang kamay ng gustong mag-join!”

No. 2: “May sorpresa ako sa inyong lahat! Upang patunayan ang transparency ng aking administrasyon, ngayong hapon ay bubunot ako – randomly, ng pangalan ng limang mambabatas at ipa-flash natin sa screen ang nilalaman ng kanilang SALN. Unang pangalan… (drum roll) Niel Tupas! Patay tayo d’yan!”

And the No. 1 rejected SONA opening line…

“Hindi na ako magpapaliguy-ligoy pa. Narito ang listahan ng mga kasalanan nina Renato Corona at Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo at ang mga ginawa nating aksyon upang sila ay papanagutin. Una… “
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“Political speeches are like steer horns. A point here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between.”
~Alfred E. Neuman

This just in: President Aquino’s SONA will last 30 to 45 minutes, or even longer depending on Renato Corona’s threshold of pain.

Quotes Quiz. Who tweeted:
“Happy Father’s Day! This is the one day of the year when we fathers get to pretend we’re the head of the family.”
A: Cong. Dato Arroyo
B: Atty. Ferdie Topacio
C: Atty. Judd Roy
D: Cong. Miro Quimbo

Quote of the Week
“Dolphy is more than a National Artist appointed by a committee and anointed by a Palace. The man who made us laugh is a national treasure. And no simple decision of men or laws can make some as priceless.”
~Director Joey Javier Reyes

Have a peaceful weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

Answer to Quotes Quiz: A.

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NEW YEAR’S EVE


INTERVIEWED BY ANC’s Lynda Jumilla, President Aquino says his No. 1 wish for 2012 is employment opportunities for Filipinos. To prove his sincerity, he then announces an opening in the Supreme Court.

Even before the impeachment trial of Chief Justice Renato Corona could begin, President Aquino has already instructed his legal team to look for a possible replacement. In other news, Associate Justice Antonio Carpio is looking forward to a fruitful 2012.

Journalists describe Chief Justice Renato Corona’s legal team as “powerhouse.’ But Malacañang is unfazed. After all, it has the power, and it has the House.

New Year
It will be another exciting New Year’s Eve in the Philippines. While most Filipinos are ushering in 2012 with ‘sinturon ni Hudas,’ ‘bawang,’ whistle bomb, ‘Goodbye Universe,’ and ‘Goodbye Philippines,’ President Aquino is welcoming it with “Goodbye Corona.”

Just so you know, Senators Joker Arroyo and Juan Ponce Enrile almost got injured during last year’s New Year’s Eve revelry. Somebody mistook them for ‘super lolo.’

Atty. Ferdie Topacio is spending New Year’s Eve at Times Square in New York this year. He wants to see the ball drop.

Top 5 Signs You’re at a New Year’s Eve Party in Malacañang

No. 5: The piped-in music is ‘Estudyante Blues.’

No. 4: When you ask for a beer bottle opener, people tell you, “Look for Secretary Jojo Ochoa!”

No. 3: Josh.

No. 2: There’s a sign at the entrance that reads, “Valerie Concepcion Not Allowed”

And the No. 1 sign that you’re at a New Year’s Eve party in Malacañang…

The President is having the time of his life… mainly because ang New Year’s Eve ay isa sa mga rare occasions kung saan puwede siyang magpaputok!

Just Fair
A Social Weather Stations survey showed that the government’s treatment of former President Arroyo with regard to the case filed against her was “only fair.” That’s the opinion of 7 out of 10 Filipinos. The other three were Topacio, Horn and Lambino.

The Fugitive
Authorities have yet to locate retired Major General Jovito Palparan Jr. The government has offered a 500 thousand-peso bounty for his capture. Nobody knows his whereabouts but closest friends claim Palparan is really excited to learn how to cook adobo, afritada, and empanada.

Innocents
December 28 is Holy Innocents Day – a day to remember the massacre of the innocents. To commemorate the event, Mo Twister is uploading another video on YouTube.

GMA Says
GMA Network has denied Internet rumors that businessman Manny Pangilinan has acquired GMA 7. The network also denied reports there’s an ongoing negotiation between GMA owners and MVP. It seems that GMA has denied everything… except for DJ Mo’s allegation against Rhian Ramos.

Overseas…
North Korean dictator Kim Jong-iL was buried today. Loyal supporters who attended the funeral will each receive a vial of uranium.

Thousands of people perished under Kim Jong-iL’s oppressive regime. Sorry, but the mass hysteria puts the fun in Kim Jong-iL’s FUNeral.

Kim Jong-iL has been laid to rest. In case you missed it, the North Korean dictator will be succeeded by his son, Bongbong Jong-iL.
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“Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.”
~Bill Vaughan

Have a safe New Year!

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NOTES ON A TRANSFER


Noon: Hayaan n’yo kaming lumipad.
Ngayon: Huwag n’yo kaming piliting lumipad.

“Hay salamat, wala na rin ang malaking sakit ng ulo.”
~St. Luke’s Medical Center Management

“Dear peace and quiet… goodbye!”
~Veterans Memorial Medical Center Staff

“Sa buong buhay ko, never ko pang naranasan ang ganitong atensyon mula sa mga reporters at journalists. Natatawa siguro ang misis ko sa bahay habang nakatutok sa TV!”
~Driver of decoy vehicle to VMMC

“Pati ba naman ako idadamay n’yo? Problema n’yo na ‘yan! Helller!”
~Friday’s bad weather

“Kung ayaw niya sa akin, mas ayaw ko sa kanya! Choosy pa ‘tong bulinggit na ‘to!”
~PNP Chopper

“Whaaat? Seven hours ang delay? Hmpf! Gaya-gaya!”
~Cebu Pacific

“I never thought na ang unang makakasilip sa akin ay si Arnold Clavio ng GMA. I was expecting ABS-CBN’s RG Cruz.”
~Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo’s neck scar

“Ano?!? Maghapon kayong nagtatalo?! Kung ako ang PNP chief, kahapon pa ‘yan nailipat! Ang babagal n’yo!”
~Pasay City RTC Judge Jesus Mupas

“’Buti na lang wala ako d’yan. Nakaka-stress ‘yong nangyari.”
~ Cong. Mikey Arroyo

“Pak na pak ang ginawa ko kay ma’am! Ganda!”
~GMA’s makeup artist and stylist

“Patay! Tiyak na papawisan ako sa VMMC. Mas mainit daw kasi do’n kesa sa St. Luke’s eh.”
~Itlog ni Topacio


A YEAR AFTER stepping down as president, Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo is back in government… hospital.

In an exclusive interview aired on GMA News TV, former President Arroyo revealed she’s currently writing her memoir titled “Another Stone for the Edifice.” She declined to comment on rumors that the ‘edifice’ was overpriced by 300 percent.

In her memoir, Mrs. Arroyo stated that she’s so relieved to be out of Malacañang. We all are.

According to the former president, the memoir is a follow-up to the memoir of her late father, former President Diosdado Macapagal, “A Stone for the Edifice.” To which, Ka Dadong reportedly said, “Wala akong alam d’yan.”

Mrs. Arroyo said she had completed 40 pages of the manuscript. And those were for ‘denials’ alone.

In the next few days, Mrs. Arroyo hopes to finish the manuscript’s next 40 pages. And that’s just for apologies.

The former president’s book will have hardcover and paperback versions. The hardcover version will have jackets. The paperback will have braces.

The title of former President Arroyo’s memoir is ““Another Stone for the Edifice.” That’s so much better than Elena Bautista-Horn’s suggestion, “Stone the Little Girl to Sleep.”

Unverified reports say former President Arroyo’s memoir is intended to be read by intellectuals and  the learned, definitely not by the dimwitted. To which, Mikey Arroyo said, “That’s totally unfair!”

Former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo is coming out with her memoir. Not to be outdone, President Aquino is reportedly coming out with his first coloring book.
—————————————————————————————
“Memoirs are a well-known form of fiction.”
~Frank Harris

Quotes of the Weak
“I have peace of mind dahil malinis ang aking konsensiya. Ang bukod-tangi kong layunin ay maglingkod. Na-pre-judge ako ng bagong administrasyon. Gumagamit pa ng demagoguery para sa gano’n ay siraan ako nang tuluyan. Siyempre kasi kung sisiraan ako, mukhang magaling siya.”
~Former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo


“She will have her day in court. There is no prejudgment. This government has no intention other than to find out the truth about the allegations being thrown against her.”
~Deputy presidential spokesperson Abigail Valte

Overseas…
Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich called Palestinians an ‘invented’ people. And Manda Elizalde was like, “Utang na loob. ‘Wag n’yo ‘kong gawing punchline.”

Have a great weekend! Merry Christmas!

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IN YOUR FACE

THREE DAYS AFTER the brawl between San Beda’s men’s basketball team and San Sebastian’s women’s volleyball team, the San Beda Red Lions and the San Sebastian Stags figured in another bench-clearing melee Monday at the Philippine Collegiate Champions League Final Four at The Arena in San Juan City. The game was the day’s second most intense fight-marred event next only to the First National Criminal Justice Summit at the Manila Hotel.

Last Monday, President Aquino took a jab at the Supreme Court in front of no less than Chief Justice Renato Corona. It was a very awkward moment. The only thing more awkward was Midas Marquez’ microphone incident.


With Chief Justice Renato Corona seated just a few feet away, President Aquino cited a litany of alleged questionable decisions made by the Supreme Court – the same ‘transgressions’ he enumerated when he spoke last week before the members of the Makati Business Club. He’s like the Mo Twister of Philippine politics right now. He can’t move on.

Senator Lacson has suggested that President Aquino and Chief Justice Corona meet in private. If the talk’s going to be secret, I know of a perfect venue then. Tokyo!

Chief Justice Renato Corona opted to ignore President Aquino’s tirade saying, “Hayaan n’yo na. Magpapasko naman.” When he got home though, he unfollowed him on Twitter.

Constitutionalist Joaquin Bernas likened President Aquino to Cuban dictator Fidel Castro. Sorry, I can’t see any similarities except for the cigar.

Ratings
According to the November survey of Pulse Asia, President Aquino still enjoys a high trust and appreciation rating. His ratings are so high, he’s now above the law.

Pulse Asia says 7 of 10 Filipinos appreciate the President. I don’t know who those seven are but I can identify the other three: Lizzy, Shalani, and Iza C.

Lovelife
Asked about his love life, President Aquino said, “Unlike poverty, it’s not being addressed.” No wonder, we haven’t really heard much about his monthly dates otherwise known as Conditional Crush Transfer.

Transfer
Former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo will be transferred from the St. Luke’s Medical Center to the Veterans Memorial Medical Center (VMMC) on Friday. Media organizations are expected to cover the event live. A concerned Willie Revillame has reportedly asked TV5 not to insert any footage of the transfer during his show.

Reports say Judge Jesus Mupas will decide within 15 days whether or not former President Arroyo will be allowed to use a cell phone or laptop. Mupas will also decide within 10 days whether or not he’ll approve Mikey Arroyo’s friend request on Facebook.

According to Elena Bautista-Horn, former President Arroyo may want to write a book using her laptop while confined at the VMMC. In fact, this morning, an anxious Mrs. Arroyo asked Mrs. Horn, “Will my book be read by one million?”

Security
Do you remember last week’s global survey saying Vienna was the nicest place to live in the world? Well, another survey identified the most secure places in the world today. On top of the list is the VMMC.

Promoted
The Armed Forces of the Philippines promoted boxing icon Manny Pacquiao to the rank of lieutenant colonel in the Army reserves. Lt. Col. Pacquiao is the highest-ranking official in the Pacquiao household next only to Jinkee, the Commander-in-Chief.

New Planet?
NASA has discovered a new Earth-like planet. Finally, a more exciting & competitive Miss Universe pageant.

The discovery of the first planet outside our solar system which could become home to humans has been confirmed. ‘Buti pa ‘yon confirmed na, si Piolo hindi pa.
————————————————————————————–
“One of the greatest victories you can gain over someone is to beat him at politeness.”
~Josh Billings

Quotes of the Day
“My psychologist friend said matigas ang stand ni PNoy, trying to compensate for something.”
~ Atty. Ferdie Topacio on President Aquino’s tirade against the Supreme Court

“I admire Corona. He does not go down to the level of the president’s ranting.”
~Constitutionalist Fr. Joaquin Bernas

Personal
Congratulations to the winners of “The Chico and Delamar’s The Morning Rush Top 10” book. They are:
1: Lawrence C. Caranto (Baguio City)
2: Janice Erni-Manongdo (Parañaque City)
3: Haide P. Acuña (Cebu City)
4: Shyrell Vey Tana (Makati City)
5: Victor Rafael Dugay (Taguig City)
6: Emmanuel Ramos Ortile (Nueva Ecija)
7: Christine Purugganan (Dubai, United Arab Emirates)
8: Manicar Vallejos Manguera (Tarlac City)
9: Zara Kirsten C. Palma (Davao City)
10: John Ahmer Toledo (Pasig City)

Your book will be delivered within 24 hours. Merry Christmas!
Note: Ignore the P.S. in the Foreword. That wasn’t supposed to be there. Enjoy reading!

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SHE WILL SURVIVE II

ALMOST EXACTLY a year ago, I parodied a Gloria Gaynor song when then outgoing President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo filed her certificate of candidacy for representative of Pampanga. Here’s Version 2 of that blog post.

For accompaniment, right click here before you start reading (or singing). Enjoy!

Congresswoman GMA:
First I was afraid
Now, I’m petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without SC by my side
But then I spent so many nights
thinking I did nothing wrong
I think I’m strong
I know I can carry on

With painful back
and lack of space
I did feel bad to see you there
with all that joy upon your face
My lawyer’s one stupid lot
I should have fired, oh that’s easy
If I had known for just one second
he would bet his balls for me!

The People:
Go on now go walk out the door
just disappear now
you don’t have power anymore
weren’t you the one who cheated for Team Unity
you’re in big trouble
you think we’ll just let you flee?

Congresswoman GMA:
Oh no, not I
I will survive
oh as long as Titong’s there for me
I know I will stay alive
I’ve got all my life to live
I’ve got all my cash to give
and I’ll survive
I will survive
Hey hey

It took all the clout I had
not to fall apart
kept trying hard to fight
PNoy, De Lima, and Mupas
and I spent oh so many nights
praying hard just for myself
I’ll never cry
I will hold my head up high

Soon you’ll see me
somebody new
Won’t be that neck-braced little person
looking frail in front of you
and so I fight that goddamn panel
And just expect me to be free
‘coz my lawyers have been saying
the High Court’s gonna favor me

The People:
Go on now go walk out the door
just disappear now
’cause you’re not feared here anymore
weren’t you the one who called and said “Hello Garci!”
you then said sorry
but that lacked sincerity!

Congresswoman GMA:
Oh no, not I
I will survive
oh as long as I have friend Rene
I know I will stay alive
I’ve got all my life to live
I’ve got all my wealth to give
and I’ll survive
I will survive
Oh…
——————————————————————————————————
“Power tends to isolate those who hold too much of it. Eventually, they lose touch with reality and fall.”
~Frank Herbert

Warning: This is not Congresswoman Arroyo’s mug shot.

You Have Spoken
Dapat bang pagbigyan ng media ang hiling ng kampo ni dating Pangulong Arroyo na huwag isapubliko ang mga mug shots nito?
-Yes. Konting respeto naman. Konti lang. 31.96%
-NO! Dapat, walang kinikilingan. Walang pinuprotektahan. Ilabas ‘yan! 62.89%
-Pag-iisipan ko muna. 5.15%

Have a productive and safe week!

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WEAK

PRESIDENT AQUINO gave P5M to the MILF then gave P31M to the ABB. Now, he wants to shoulder GMA’s medical expenses. With an enemy like that, who needs friends?

Photos of the Weak
“From reformer to transformer.”
The images shown here were presented to the media Tuesday by Estelito Mendoza, legal counsel of former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo (Thanks to TV5’s Jove Francisco for posting these on Facebook.)

THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE rejected former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo’s request for an allow departure order. “There is no compelling or immediate necessity to seek treatment abroad,” according to Dr. Leila De Lima much to the disappointment of Dr. Raul Lambino.

In her previous letters to the DOJ, the Pampanga representative said she was seeking medical treatment in Austria, Germany, Italy, Singapore, Spain, Switzerland and the United States. But it was later discovered that she’s just planning to join the upcoming season of “The Amazing Race.”


In an exclusive interview, former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo told Manila Standard Today’s Christine Herrera that she used to take 25 to 30 tablets of painkillers and vitamins everyday. Observers say that was alarming. What made it even more alarming was the unverified report that the drugs were prescribed by a certain Dr. Conrad Murray.

Manila Standard Today’s Christine Herrera outscooped everyone when she scored an exclusive interview with GMA. It was a casual and brief chat. The former president was in a jovial mood. There was this brief tense moment though when Mrs. Arroyo said, “Well, Clarice – have the lambs stopped screaming?”

Reports say former President Arroyo is in bad shape. The only other thing that’s in worse shape is our economy.

Some people have noticed that due to Mrs Arroyo’s worsening health condition, it looks as if the 64-year-old ex-president has aged by at least 20 years – or as Estelito Mendoza would call it, “presidential pardon.”

Aquino-Cojuangco Video
Have you seen the viral video detailing the alleged sins of the Aquino-Cojuangco family? The video is 15-minute long; with 14 minutes alone devoted to the sins of Kris Aquino.

Wanted: Ramona
The NBI has reportedly started its search for murder suspect Maria Ramona Belen Bautista overseas. It will be an easier task for the NBI to locate Ramona… mostly because she is a Bautista, not a Lacson.

Ali Peek Shot
PBA star Ali Peek has been shot. The suspect was last seen boarding a Cathay Pacific flight to Hong Kong and is believed to be en route to his wife’s home in Turkey.

Albert Henry “Ali” Peek of Talk ‘N Text has been shot. The US Embassy is seeking justice for its citizen!

Talk ‘N Text owner Manny V. Pangilinan is helping the police find the gunman. He is offering a reward of 500 thousand pesos for the capture of Ali Peek’s assailant prompting Genelyn Magsaysay to accuse him of using the shooting incident for publicity.

Milestones
Hours after Joe Frazier passed away, Regine Velasquez gave birth. It’s been a busy day for Sen. Tito Sotto who demands to see both death and birth certificates ASAP.

Survivor Philippines
GMA Network has launched Season 4 of Survivor Philippines: Celebrity Doubles Showdown. This promises to be the best season yet for the local version of Mark Burnett’s Survivor franchise. Despite Richard Gutierrez.
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“In a disordered mind, as in a disordered body, soundness of health is impossible.”
~Cicero

Quotes of the Week
“How would you feel if you knew something was wrong with you but not knowing what it was? I know something is wrong with me.”
~Former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo

“Compassion and humanitarian grounds are a convenient excuse. But if we always concede to that, then we will not have a solid justice system.”
~Justice Sec. Leila De Lima

“I need the support of the saints in every locality around the world ,my children are innocent, pls pass !!!”
~Genelyn Magsaysay on Facebook

Elsewhere
Manila Standard Today: Arroyo: Not knowing what ails me is killing me

ABS-CBN News: Questions Ramona left unanswered

Merry Christmas! Have a safe day!

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FYI

BEFORE YOU read any further, I would like to INFORM you that some of the items on this blog may not please you. Should you decide to read on, and realize later that this wasn’t amusing enough, please do not blame me, the bystanders, the MMDA or the reporter who recommended you this site. You’ve been warned.

De Lima Apologizes
Justice Secretary Leila De Lima apologized to First Gentleman Mike Arroyo for declaring that he did not go through immigration when he left the country last Sunday. De Lima lamented, “I wasn’t fully informed! It’s as if Immigration people were waiting for me to do just that: commit a mistake!”

Earlier last week, Justice Secretary Leila De Lima told the media that the Bureau of Immigration has no record of Attorney Arroyo leaving for Hong Kong last Sunday. In fact, prior to the discovery of the Immigration Bureau’s spelling error, the DOJ announced six new witnesses to prove that Arroyo did not go through immigration.

Immediately after learning that a subordinate fed the wrong information on Attorney Arroyo’s trip to Hong Kong, Justice Secretary De Lima apologized. To prove her sincerity, De Lima has placed the subordinate on the immigration watch list.

Justice Secretary Leila De Lima said, “If the first gentleman is seeking for my apology then I’m humbly doing it.” To which Hubert Webb said, “Eh sa ‘kin, kailan?”

Japan Meeting
A secret meeting was recently held in Tokyo, Japan between Moro Islamic Liberation Front chair Al Haj Murad Ebrahim and the new chairman of the government peace panel, Benigno Simeon Aquino III.

Reports say the President’s trip to Japan was unannounced and unofficial. It was so secret the Bureau of Immigration has no record of his departure.

This just in: Malacañang has denied rumors that President Aquino secretly left last night for Utrecht, The Netherlands.

Lao & Order
Much has been said about last week’s Internet sensation, Christopher Lao. The UP Law graduate has already apologized… earning praise from friends who believe that he could be Justice Secretary someday.

Campaigns
GMA News is promoting the responsible use of social media through its campaign called “Think Before You Click.” Meanwhile, the MMDA will soon promote the responsible use of cars through its campaign called “Think Before You Drive… Through A Flood.”

August Weather
PAGASA says two to three tropical cyclones are expected to enter the Philippine Area of Responsibility this month. Flashfloods and landslides are possible. People are advised to avoid low-lying zones, flood-prone areas, and Jun Veneracion.

The Christopher Lao Incident: How they reacted

President Aquino: “Kung puwede lang ho sana ay ibalato n’yo na lang kay Mr Lao ang konting privacy na natitira sa kanya.”

Manny Pacquiao: “Nasa Baybul kasi ‘yun. Sabi sa Mateo Kapitulu Katursi, Bersikulu Binti-Singku: Nang madaling araw na’y sumunod sa kanila si Hisus na naglalakad sa ibabaw ng tubig!” Now you know! Nasa Baybul sabi eh.”

Sen. Juan Miguel Zubiri: “For honor and dignity.”

President Arroyo: “He did what’s right, he did what’s best, and God took care of the resht.”

Virgilio Garcillano: “Bakit?!? Inamin ba ni Christopher Lao na siya ang nasa video? Ang totoo n’yan… spliced ang video!”

Atty. Edwin Lacierda: “At the end of the day, what’s important is he survived the ordeal.”

Bishop Teodoro Bacani: “Kadiri!”

Atty. Mike Arroyo: “This is plain and simple persecution. You are persecuting him!”

Sharon Cuneta: “Wala pong duda mga kaibigan, he is the biggest loser.”

Kris Aquino: “Gosh, shocked talaga ako sa video. I was like… OMG! He’s kinda cute pa naman! Promise! Aha-ha-ha! Ayoko na ngang mag-comment. Baka mag-react na naman si James at sabihing malandi ako. Wait! Bettina, can you ask Boy if puwedeng iguest ‘tong Lao na ‘to sa Bottomline next week!? I swear, magri-rate to!”

Amanda Coling: “Hindi ko po sinasabing mali o tama ang ginawa ni Christopher Lao. Kung pwede po sana, ayoko munang pag-usapan kung anuman ang nangyari.”

Bishop Juan De Dios Pueblos: “Dear Congresswoman Arroyo, Christopher Lao really needs a brand new car, possibly a 4 x 4. On his behalf, I will be anticipating your favorable response on this regard.”

Shocking Zubiri
Some people are still in shock after Senator Juan Miguel Zubiri’s resignation. Arguably, he was last week’s biggest newsmaker. What’s more remarkable was the fact that he made news without even trying to drive through a flooded street.

The Arroyos
Good news for the former First Gentleman who’s still in Hong Kong: his wife, the former president has been discharged from St. Luke’s Medical Center Friday. In even better news for FG, Mrs. Arroyo was advised to rest her voice for at least a week.

Suicide
According to a study on suicides conducted by Maria Theresa Redaniel, May Antonnette Lebanan-Dalida, David Gunnell, the most common reasons for self harm in the Philippines were family and relationship problems. In number 2 was the government’s anti-corruption witch-hunt.

UPCAT 2011
Some 70,000 high school seniors, perhaps the largest batch in history, took the UP College Admission Test. The five-hour examination consists of subtests on language proficiency, mathematics, science, reading comprehension… and just for this batch, common sense.

Overseas…
US President Barack Obama celebrated his 50th birthday recently. He started the day by personally renewing his license at the LTO.
————————————————————————————–
“Common sense is the knack of seeing things as they are, and doing things as they ought to be done.”
~C.E.Stowe

You Have Spoken
Ano ang reaksyon mo sa pagbibitiw ni Sen. Juan Miguel Zubiri?
-Isang kapuri-puring hakbang. Mabuhay ka! 28.67%
-Guilty kasi! Graceful exit lang ‘yan. 50%
-Wala akong pakialam. Mababa pa rin ang suweldo ko. 21.33%

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Have a safe, sexy, and productive week ahead!

ACCORDING TO THE PRESIDENT

SICK. Former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo is still confined at the St. Luke’s Medical Center in Taguig City where she was admitted yesterday, July 25. But a reliable source told the Professional Heckler the Pampanga representative was fine. What happened Monday was just a “hospital arrest drill.”

This just in: Physicians at the St. Luke’s Medical Center have advised Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo to undergo surgery to repair her damaged cervical spine. They also advised newly-appointed Ombudsman Conchita Carpio-Morales to be patient.

SONA 2011
President Noynoy Aquino delivered his second State of the Nation Address Monday at the SMART-Batasang Pambansa Complex.

Looking dapper and relaxed, President Aquino delivered a 53-minute speech: no drama, no frills, no fanfare, no RH Bill, no Hacienda Luisita, no Freedom of Information Bill, and no economic roadmap.

Puwede na rin.

And for once, there was no joke about his love life. Congratulations!

Defying expectations, President Aquino delivered a State of the Nation Address, not State of the Nation & Arroyo.

Still, the President lambasted the sale of used helicopters owned by the former First Family to the Philippine National Police. Monitoring the SONA at home, the Arroyos exercised ‘maximum tolerance.’

According to the President, the present administration has uncovered anomalies in the state gaming firm PAGCOR. The biggest of which was the botched attempt to convert PAGCOR into Starbucks.

Reports say the President’s speech lasted 53 minutes. Or as former PAGCOR executives would say, eternity.

In an apparent reference to the rift with the Chinese over the Spratly Islands, President Aquino said, “Ang sa Pilipinas ay sa Pilipinas!” And Harry K. Thomas was like, “That’s mah boy!”

President Aquino declared, “Our message to the world is clear: What is ours is ours.” In short, we, Filipinos are not afraid of you, we will not be cowed, and we will fight to the end. I hope that’s clear… Vietnam!

The President said, “Our message to the world is clear: What is ours is ours.” At that moment, the Chinese ambassador called Beijing and said, “Melon ba iskedyul sunod bitay drug mule? Huwak kayo bagal. Ako inip na.”

The President added, “Kapag tumapak ka sa Recto Bank, para ka na ring tumapak sa Recto Avenue.” Tama! Lalo na kapag malakas ang ulan.

In his SONA, President Aquino extended the olive branch to the bishops! Talk about saving Margie Juico’s ass!

President Aquino thanked Roman Catholic bishops and priests in his speech. Say goodbye to the RH Bill!

President Aquino also called on Filipinos “to unite for progress.” To which Filipinos replied, “Samar & Balay first.”

The President said, “If you see something right, do not think twice—praise it.” After the SONA, some people approached Sen. Gringo Honasan and praised him.

President Aquino added, “If you see a policeman directing traffic, go to him and say, ‘Thank you.’” But better be ready with a valid excuse for violating laws on jaywalking.

He also said, “Before you leave school for home, approach your teacher who chose to invest in your future—say, ‘Thank you.’” But never, ever say “No, thanks” to her ‘special tocino.’

The President also advised, “If you chance upon your local leader on a road that was once riddled with holes, but is now smooth and sturdy—go to him and say, ‘Thank you, for the change you have brought.’” But never, ever add, “Magkano ba’ng kinita nating komisyon sir?”

On Negativism
“Let us stop pulling our fellow man down.” – Sabi ni Erap: “Ako ‘yon!”
“Let us put an end to our crab mentality.” – Sabi ni Gloria: “Shino ‘yon?”
“Let us make the effort to recognize the good that is being done.” – Sabi ni Noynoy: “Ehem.”

The President promised to include in his agenda the development of PTV Channel 4. Take that IBC 13!

President Aquino vowed to develop government station PTV 4. Sorry to disappoint you Manoling Morato but there’s no truth to rumors that Dial M will be revived.

Briefly Noted: President Aquino’s speech was interrupted 48 times by guests applauding… and twice by coughing.

Reacting to the President’s State of the Nation Address, Senator Pia Cayetano said, “Nagustuhan ko sana kung mas may lalim.” Apparently, Pia missed that part where the President mentioned “West Philippine Sea.”

Senator Juan Miguel Zubiri did not attend President Aquino’s State of the Nation Address… which I believe, was a wrong decision since Monday’s SONA could probably be his last as a member of the Senate.

Trivia: President Noynoy Aquino was the first Philippine president to deliver his SONA entirely in Filipino. So, to the President’s critics who insist that he has not accomplished or achieved anything at all, take that!

Word of the Week
WANG-WANG: Anything nega.
To use in sentences:
– Dahil sa kaka-wang-wang sa pera ng bayan, winangwang ng karamdaman ang dating pangulo.
– “Tara sa Pagcor, coffee tayo.” “Ayoko nga! ‘Yong perang ipinambili n’yan, winangwang mula sa pondo ng gobyerno!”
– Sa kabila ng kanyang pag-iyak sa telebisyon, marami ang naniniwalang hindi winangwang ng ilang members ng Team Azkals si Amanda Coling.
——————————————————————
“When you make speeches, you elicit expectations against which you will be held accountable.”
~Bill Bradley

Quote of the Weak
“I look like a garden!”
~Pampanga Fourth District Rep. Anna York Bondoc describing her SONA 2011 attire

Elsewhere
President Aquino’s State of the Nation Address both in Filipino and in English

SONA 2011 Fashion: Soaring or Boring?

Philippine Daily Inquirer: LeBron James’ agents asked for $600,000 to play in Manila

Stay safe! Enjoy the rest of the week!

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DEAR PROFESSIONAL HECKLER

OF LATE, the Professional Heckler has been receiving emails, letters, text messages, and tweets from famous and not-so-famous Filipinos alike. Due to his hectic schedule though (as if), he was able to reply to each of those letters only now. Apologies. Here we go…

Dear Professional Heckler,
Isa akong inmate sa New Bilibid Prisons. Pakiramdam ko, may sakit ako sa puso. Puwede rin ba akong magpa-check up sa Philippine Heart Center?
Umaasa,
Bogart

Dear Bogart,
May alam ka bang kasalanan ni Gloria? Kung wala, tiisin mo na lang ang sakit mo sa puso.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Isa akong mapagpatol na tao. Halos kada linggo, nakikipagsagutan talaga ako. Wala akong inuurungan. Hindi ko pinapalampas ang mga patutsada ng aking mga kalaban. Sanga pala, gusto kong magtrabaho sa gobyerno. Saan ba ako puwede?
Yours truly,
Anton

Dear Anton,
Puwede ka sa Communications Group. Of course, advantage kung abogado ka. Kaya lang, wala pa yatang opening ngayon. Hindi kita matutulungan.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Hello! Kumusta kayong lahat!
Miss you,
Bedol

Dear Bedol,
Magkano?
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Hindi ko na kinakaya ang ginagawa nila sa akin. Nananahimik ako. Kumikirot ang aking leeg. Masama ang aking pakiramdam pero wala talaga silang awa. Ayaw nila akong tigilan. Kailan ba ito matatapos?
Saklolo,
Gloria

Dear Gloria,
Just do what is right, do what is best, and Raul Lambino will take care of the rest.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Isa akong dating halal na government official na natapos na ang termino. Wala na akong ginagawa. Mahilig ako sa balita at may magandang boses. Saan ako puwedeng mag-apply?
Yours truly,
Kagalang-galang na Ex-Official

Dear Kagalang-galang na Ex-Official,
With your credentials, perfect ka sa TV Patrol! Try mo!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Magkano ba ang presyo ng isang kilong galunggong ngayon? Would you know?
Curious,
Jamby

Dear Jamby,
Hanggang ngayon ba naman curious ka pa rin? I don’t eat fish. Sorry, I cannot answer your question.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Gusto kong maging state witness. Marami akong alam against GMA. Maniwala ka!
Desperado,
Zaldy

Dear Zaldy,
Sapak gusto mo?
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler
Ikaw ang kanlungan ng nangangailangan. Ikaw ang pag-asa at kinabukasan. Haplos mo ay lunas sa bawat pagal. Salamat sa iyong dampi ng pagmamahal.
Love,
Manny Garcia

Dear Manny Garcia,
Ulol!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Narinig ko po sa balita na posibleng ideklarang pangulo ang aking late Papa. Puwede rin ba akong tawaging former presidential daughter?
Tempting,
Lovidovi

Dear Lovidovi,
Magpaalam ka muna sa tunay na asawa ng iyong ama. I heard you’re not in good terms. Kapag pumayag siya, go! Kung hindi, huwag malungkot dahil ikaw naman ang former future First Lady ng first district of Ilocos Sur. ‘Musta na si Ronald?
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Oo! Handa na ako! Isisiwalat ko na ang lahat-lahat tungkol sa dayaan noong 2004 pero sa isang kondisyon. Gusto ko via phone patch.
Demanding,
Garci

Dear Garci,
Wala kang karapatang mag-demand, punyeta ka! Kung lalabas ka, bilisan mo para umabot sa SONA. At ‘wag mong itanong kung magkano! Wala nang budget ang palasyo!
Heckler

Deal Plofessional Hecklel,
Sabi mo iyo mga conglessman, sila wag na balik Pag-Asa Island. Amin buo isla! Kami una ari Splatlys Islands. Pag kayo hindi tigil, kayo invade namin. Undelstand?
Xie xie,
Mr. Chinese Ambassador

Dear Mr. Chinese Ambassador,
Ikaw huwag bully. Kayo sumbong namin Amelicans. Sila amin friendship. Sila tulong amin. Hindi kami takot. Teka lang, bakit ako ganito salita? At bakit ikaw basa nang basa. Mukha ka rin tanga.
Hecklel

Dear Professional Heckler,
Matagal nang nali-link ang mister kong kongresista sa isang sexy comedienne/TV host. Pero wala naman akong pruweba. Dapat ko ba siyang iwan?
Hu-hu-hu,
Angela

Dear Angela,
In the first place, hindi mo siya dapat pinakasalan dahil second cousin mo siya! Bahala ka sa buhay mo! Malaswaaaa!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Uuwi na ako. Malapit na. Puwede bang mag-stay pansamantala sa inyo?
Excited,
Ate Guy

Dear Ate Guy,
First of all, hanga ako sa ‘yo. Ikaw lang ang GUY na GIRL. Pero ‘di ako naniniwalang uuwi ka. Wala kang pamasahe! Casino ka kasi nang casino! Tigilan mo na ‘yan!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Panay na panay ang banat mo sa amin. Mag-ingat ka g*go! At ’wag na ‘wag kang pupunta sa aming siyudad kung ayaw mong mabugbog!
Galit na galit,
Sara, Rudy, and Paolo

Dear Sara, Rudy, and Paolo
Ito lang ang masasabi ko: [click here]
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
It’s in the news today! I lost at least 6 inches off my waist. Bilib ka na ba?
Nagmamahal,
Mega

Dear Mega,
Weh? ‘Di nga?
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Sabi nila, na-rape ako. Feeling ko naman, na-harass lang. Ewan ko ba! Kumuha na ako ng abogado. Ano ba ang dapat kong gawin?
Naguguluhan,
Amanda

Dear Amanda,
Nagkamali ka iha. Hindi dapat abogado ang kinuha mo kundi bato – ‘tapos ipinukpok mo sana sa ulo mo para natauhan ka. Flirt!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Itago mo na lang ako sa pangalang Piolo. Mayaman, maimpluwensya, mula sa iginagalang na pamilya at may mataas na posisyon sa pamahalaan. Fifty-one years old na ako pero wala pa rin akong girlfriend. Bakit kaya?
Worried,
Alias Piolo

Dear Piolo,
Pa-Piolo-Piolo ka pa d’yan utot mo! Kilala kita! Pinasok mo ang puwestong ‘yan, magtiis ka! ‘Tsaka… bago mo problemahin ang puso mo, asikasuhin mo muna ‘yang baga mo! Tumigil ka sa paninigarilyo! Okay? Good luck sa SONA mo! Bye!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
At present, I really need a brand-new car, possibly a 4 x 4. I am anticipating your favorable response on this regard. Be assured of my constant support. Thank you very much.
God Bless,
Bishop Pueblos

Dear Bishop Pueblos,
Wala ka talagang kadala-dala! ‘Tsaka anong “constant support” ang pinagsasasabi mo d’yan!? Hindi tayo magkakilala! Magtigil ka!
Heckler
———————————————————————————–
“From the beginning of our history the country has been afflicted with compromise. It is by compromise that human rights have been abandoned.”
~Charles Sumner

You Have Spoken
Kung mapatunayang nanalo nga si FPJ noong 2004, pabor ba kayo sa suhestyong isabit ang kanyang larawan sa palasyo?
-OO naman. 34.83%
-NO. 22.82%
-Ke isabit o hindi, ikakayaman ko ba ‘yan? 42.34%

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Enjoy the rest of the week!

LINTANG

“Hello! Kumusta kayong lahat?”
– The (only) words uttered by former Maguindanao elections supervisor Lintang Bedol in the press conference held Tuesday morning at the Commission on Elections

AFTER HIDING from law for more than four years, former Maguindanao election supervisor Lintang Bedol – Comelec officials claim, “surrendered voluntarily.” Or as one game show contestant would say, “Deal!”

Local Government Secretary Jesse Robredo admitted that he “facilitated” the surrender of Lintang Bedol. Take that Zaldy Ampatuan!

Ex-Maguindanao election supervisor Lintang Bedol finally surfaced Tuesday. Wearing a bulletproof vest, he attended the Comelec-sponsored “Batian Portion.”

“Hello! Kumusta kayong lahat!” Bedol greeted the media. And I was like, “Ano ka, si David Archuleta?”

Former election official Lintang Bedol has surfaced! He refused to talk to the press but his lawyer confirmed Bedol has learned to cook adobo, afritada, sinigang, embotido, and empanada with the help of Google while in hiding

Lawyer Lintang Bedol was a fugitive who ran away from the law. He’ll probably write a book in which he’d reveal, “kung saan ako nagtago.”

On Friday, Lintang Bedol will appear on ‘Umagang Kay Ganda’ to demonstrate his cooking skills with Anthony Taberna.

Now detained in Camp Crame, former Maguindanao election supervisor Lintang Bedol has begun serving his six-month prison sentence… or as Hubert Webb would say, “One week.”

Posthumous Declaration?
Sen. Francis Escudero said Fernando Poe Jr. could be posthumously declared winner of the 2004 presidential elections if it is proven that Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo rigged the results of the polls. But Escudero won’t say if Susan Roces could use the title, “former First Lady.”

Comelec Chairman Sixto Brillantes Jr. says the poll body can no longer undo the proclamation of President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo even if it is proven she manipulated the election results. Mike Arroyo can now heave a sigh of relief. He’s still the former First Gentleman!

Sara’s At Fault
A fact-finding committee formed by the DILG has found Davao City Mayor Sara Duterte guilty of “conduct unbecoming of a public official” for attacking a court sheriff last July 1. Meanwhile, a separate committee has also found Vice Mayor Rudy Duterte’s middle finger guilty of “gesture unbecoming of a body part” for offending people’s sensitivities.

The fact-finding committee formed by Interior and Local Government Secretary Jesse Robredo has found Davao City Mayor Sara Duterte guilty of “conduct unbecoming of a public official.” The committee recommends the filing of administrative charges against the mayor. It also recommends that Robredo avoid visiting Davao City ever.

Gecko News
The illegal trade of tukô or gecko in the Philippines via the Internet has been exposed, and authorities have warned against the sale of the reptile without government permit. In totally unrelated news, the Ombudsman has suspended Kalookan City Mayor Recom Echeverri for his failure to remit over P37 million in city employees’ contributions to the GSIS. At press time though, he continues to cling to his post.

Amanda Coling
Interviewed on live TV, controversial model Amanda Coling referred to herself as the “alleged victim.” See? Even she is doubting herself!

Initial reports say Amanda Coling is an applied physics graduate from UP. But the University of the Philippines quickly denied the report. It turned out that Coling was a graduate of another UP: University of Papansin.

Amanda Coling was interviewed on GMA 7’s ‘Showbiz Central’ last Sunday. Almost everyone agreed: it was a BAD decision. The only thing WORSE was Pia Guanio’s skills as interviewer.

————————————————————————————-
“It’s not the voting that’s democracy; it’s the counting.”
~Tom Stoppard, Jumpers

Elsewhere
GMA News: Boracay is 4th best island in the world

I’m hooked on “The Walking Dead.” Here’s a first look at Season 2.

GMA News: Amanda Coling’s official statement re: “Rape rumors”

Briefly Noted
From the people who brought us City Lite 88.3 and Joey@92.3 comes Mega Manila’s newest music hub: Radio High 105.9FM. Not for everyone.

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Have fun!