OH MY GULAY!

THE HOUSE OF Representathieves Representatives approved on third and final reading House Bill No. 2072 declaring Malunggay as ‘national vegetable’ and November as National Malunggay Month.

The news came as a surprise to the vegetable community. Here’s the full report as published in OMG! (Oh My Gulay) magazine.

Gulay

“UNFAIR!”

Ito ang naging pahayag ng ibang halaman sa balitang inaprubahan na ng Mababang Kapulungan ng Kongreso sa third and final reading ang panukalang batas na nagdedeklara sa Malunggay bilang Pambansang Gulay.

Sa joint statement na inilabas ng mga halamang makikita sa paligid ng Bahay Kubo, kinundena ng mga ito ang anila’y minadaling pagpapasa sa panukalang batas.

eric
Ayon sa mga gulay, “This is a travesty! Walang naganap na konsultasyon sa vegetable community!”

Hindi rin sila makapaniwalang mas nauna pang talakayin ng Kongreso ang Malunggay bill kaysa sa Freedom of Information Bill na taong 1992 pa nakabinbin.

Nagbanta ang Patola at ang Upo na pangungunahan nila ang mahabang barikada upang pigilan ang pagsasabatas sa naturang panukala.

“Kung kailangang gumapang kami patungong Kongreso at Senado gagawin namin, huwag lamang maipasa ‘yan!” dugtong ng Kundol at ng Sitaw.
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Mangiyak-ngiyak naman ang Sibuyas nang marinig ang balita.

“Nakapanlalambot,” ang sabi ng Mustasa.

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Hindi rin naitago ng Talong ang kanyang galit. Nakapagbitiw naman ng maaanghang na salita ang Luya.

Muntik na ring pumutok ang Bawang sa sama ng loob.

“Kung talagang malaki ang pakinabang sa Malunggay na ‘yan, bakit wala siya sa ‘Bahay Kubo?’ tanong ng Bataw at ng Sigarilyas.

“Malaking puno ang Malunggay. Patunay lamang na kahit kailan, ‘yang mga pulitiko ay kulang ang pagpapahalaga at malasakit sa tulad naming maliliit,” dugtong ng Patani.

Ayon kay Pangasinan Rep. Gina De Venecia na siyang pangunahing may-akda ng bill, ang Malunggay ay “miracle vegetable” dahil nakagagamot daw ito ng iba’t ibang sakit.

Hindi naman napigilan ng Mani at ng Linga ang matawa sa pahayag ni De Venecia sabay sabing, “Ang tanda-tanda mo na naniniwala ka pa sa milagro!”

Kaduda-duda rin anila ang sinabi nito hinggil sa ‘medicinal value’ ng Malunggay lalo pa’t sa dulo ng patalastas ng Moringa ay may disclaimer na, “No approved therapeutic claims.”


Binatikos din ng mga gulay ang ilang mambabatas na pinanininiwalaan nilang nakikisakay lamang sa popularidad ng Malunggay ngayon.

Mabilis namang bumuwelta ang mga kongresista.

Pinag-initan nila ang Mani na umano’y walang karapatang makisawsaw sa isyu dahil hindi naman ito gulay at hindi rin prutas kundi isang legume.

“Ang lakas ng loob magreklamo ng mga ‘yan! Bakit? Gulay ba ang bawang? Gulay ba ang sibuyas? ‘Yang kamatis at talong, mga gulay ba ‘yan? Those two are fruits! A berry to be exact! Ang hirap kasi sa mga bumabatikos na halaman, green with envy sila!” giit ng mga mambabatas.

Ipinagtanggol naman ng Luya at ng Singkamas ang kanilang mga kasama, “Botanically speaking, bulbs o fruits sila, yes. But culinary speaking, we are all vegetables. Bali-baligtarin mo man ang recipe, gulay pa rin ang turing sa aming lahat! Racist! Tse!”


Nang tanungin ang mga gulay kung may nakikita ba silang alternatibo sa Malunggay bilang national vegetable [e.g. kangkong o talbos ng kamote] sinabi ng mga ito, “Kailangan bang meron? Mamamatay ba kayo kung wala? Mababawasan ba ang nasyonalismo at pagka-Filipino n’yo kung walang pambansang gulay? Hayyyy, you and your priorities.”

Nagbabala pa ang mga ito na magdudulot lamang ng pagkakawatak-watak sa gulayan ang panukalang batas ni De Venecia. Kaya’t ang sigaw nila, “Ibasura!”

Sakali namang lumusot sa dalawang Kapulungan ng Kongreso ang kontrobersyal na legislative measure, umaasa ang Kalabasa na ivi-veto ito ng kanyang kakulay na idolo… ang Pangulo.

Tinangka naming kunin ang panig ng Malunggay hinggil sa isyu ngunit sinabi nitong walang buting maibubunga ang pakikipagdebate at pagtatanim ng galit.

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Samantala, napag-alaman naming tutol din pala sa panukalang batas ni Manay Gina ang Ampalaya ngunit ayaw na nitong magsalita tungkol sa isyu sa takot na masabihang… bitter. ###
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“Do only work that matters, and you will end up pleasing those who are important enough to care about it.”
~ Jeffrey Fry

Sound Bites
“Malunggay is one of the important plants that deserve national and international promotion due to the many bio-medical endowment and numerous socio-economic benefits that can be derived from it.”
~Pangasinan Rep. Gina De Venecia

Enjoy the rest of the week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Medicinal Herbs For You, EricCachero.Weebly.com, Picstopin.Com, Del Monte.Ph, House of Representatives]

INTERVIEW WITH THE DEVIL IV

IT’S BEEN THREE months since the devil last spoke on issues and events here in the Philippines. Fresh from its two-month vacation in Venezuela where it influenced the recently concluded presidential elections, the devil agreed to be interviewed – again. Here’s the unedited transcript of the exclusive conversation.

Uy, ‘musta ka na? Ang tagal mong nawala ah!

Ganun? Concerned? Close tayo?

Hindi ka pa rin nagbabago. Demonyo ka pa rin!

OMD! Thank you!

OMD?

Oh my Devil! Tanga!

Wow, kung maka-tanga ka ah. Since ngayon ka lang nagparamdam ulit, gusto sana muna kitang tanungin tungkol sa ‘di pa rin mamatay-matay na isyung kinasasangkutan ni Senador Tito Sotto.

Alin do’n? Ang dami no’n huh! I’m impressed.


Ahm, unahin na natin ang plagiarism.

O, anong isyu do’n? Pinalaki n’yo lang ‘yun eh. Kung tutuusin, simpleng bagay lang naman talaga ‘yon. Nag-research ang staff niya, kinopya, ‘tapos walang attribution, binasa. Anong problema? The act was laudable!

Pati ‘yong aroganteng defense niya? Pati ‘yong ‘di niya pagso-sorry sa ginawa n’ya? Laudable?

Of course!

Despicable!

Thank you!

So inaamin mong kagagawan mo ang napaulat na pag-plagiarize niya at ‘yong naging asal niya?

Ikaw ang nagsabi n’yan! Hindi ako!

O, bakit parang umiiwas ka?

Naman! Cybercrime Law. Libel. Alam mo na!

‘Yong devil takot sa libel??!

Bakit? Ikaw ba hindi?

Takot.

Boom! Ha-ha

Fuck you!

Thank you!


Wait, paano nakalusot ang Cybercrime Law kung depektibo ang ilang probisyon nito?

‘Yon na nga ang ikinaiinis ko eh.

‘Yong defective ang law?

Hindi! ‘Yong TRO! Perfect na sana eh. Lulusot na sana, bigla ba namang nakialam ang Korte Suprema. Booooo! KJ kayong matatanda d’yan sa Padre Faura! May araw din kayo. Buwisit!

Pa’no ‘yan, maraming senador ang kumikilos para maayos ang batas.

Isa pa ‘yang mga ‘yan! Ang kakapal ng mukha! I was there eh! I was guiding them when they passed that freaking law! ‘Tapos ngayon kanya-kanyang distansya, kanya-kanyang palusot, kanya-kanyang pautot at pag-amin na nagkamali sila! I’m disappointed!

How about the President?

OMD! I have never been this proud of Noynoy. Nag-overachieve siya sa usaping ito. I’m giving him 4 out of 5 stars! Nai-imagine ko na ang nararamdamang inis nina Cory at Ninoy do’n sa kabila. Awesome!

And Leila De Lima?

Wow. Unexpected turnaround. Kung noon ay isinusumpa ko siya bilang human rights advocate, ngayon, love na love ko na siya. I am giving her 4 out of 5 shawls! Magaling!


Napag-uusapan na rin lang natin ang batas, narinig mo na ba ang Freedom of Information Bill?

Alin? ‘Yong ipinangako ng presidente n’yo noong kampanya ‘tapos nilalangaw ngayon sa Kongreso? Dapat palitan na lang ang pangalan ng bill. Mas ok ang Freedom of Impormasyong Inaamag. Har-har-har

Ikaw ba ang may pakana ng delay?

May iba pa ba? Bakit ko naman papayagang pumasa ang FOI… eh ‘di mabuking ang kawalanghiyaan ng mga walanghiya sa gobyerno? Utot n’yo! Hangga’t wala ang FOI Law, tuloy ang ligaya ng mga diablo!

I dare you! Name names! Sinu-sino ba ‘yang mga diablo?

Ayaw ko. Eight years ang libel ‘no!

Duwag na demonyo!

Thank you!


Isyung pulitika naman tayo. Nagbati na sina Jamby Madrigal at ang kampo ni Manny Villar ‘tsaka sina Jamby at Alan Peter Cayetano. ‘Di ba… halos magpatayan ang mga ‘yan noong 2010 elections?

So? Anong masama sa patayan? Cool nga ‘yon eh! Actually, I still admire them now. Nuknukan ng kaplast… ooops Cybercrime Law, nuknukan ng forgiving. Lahat ay gagawin para sa 2013 elections! Yehey!

Nabalitaan mo na ba? ‘Yong mag-lolong Villafuerte, magkalaban daw sa 2013 sa Bicol!

Lolong? Buwaya ‘ba ‘yon?

Ikaw ang nagsabi n’yan! Hindi ako!

Gago ka ba? Pahamak ka ah! Nililinaw ko lang. Sabi mo ‘Lolong.’ Eh ‘di ba buwaya ‘yon?

Sabi ko mag-lolong Villafuerte! Grandfather vs grandson ang maglalaban!!!!!!

Galit ka? Kailangan talaga anim na exclamation points?

Hindi. Nililinaw ko rin lang.

Ahhhh sila ba ‘yong pamilyang may-ari yata ng Camarines Sur? Tama lang ‘yan! Hayaan mo silang mag-away-away. Mas exciting ‘yon. Matagal ko nang minamanmanan ang mga Villafuerte. Before World War II, nasa puwesto na ang mga ‘yan. Inabutan na sila ng Twitter, YouTube, stem cell therapy at One Direction, nasa puwesto pa rin. Sino ba namang ‘di mawiwili? Political dynasty is the best policy!

Ano namang masasabi mo sa pagtakbo ni Jinkee Pacquiao for vice governor of Sarangani?

Sino ‘yon?

Wow. Grabe ka huh. Hindi mo kilala ang first lady ng boxing?

Siyempre kilala ko. Kaya lang, hindi ko na siya makilala.

Susuportahan mo ba siya?

Matagal ko nang itinakwil ang mag-asawang ‘yan. Hindi na sila ma-reach. Hindi ako makalapit! Araw-araw, basa nang basa ng Bible. Eeew.


Btw, may kopya ka na ba ng libro ni Senator Enrile? ‘Yong kanyang memoir?

Of course! At nando’n ako sa book launch ‘noh! I was hobnobbing with the elite and the powerful!

Close kayo ni Senator?

Kinda.

Alam n’ya?

Feeling ko.

Feeling ka huh!

Let’s put it this way. On and off ang friendship namin. May time na masunurin siya sa akin at may pagkakataon namang, papogi sa publiko ang pucha.

So anong masasabi mo sa statement ni Senator Enrile na, “… I fear only the ultimate judgment of God and history.”

God? Whateverrr. Wait for the day that I judge you!

Nagbabanta ka? Ehem… may Cybercrime Law.

Ehem… may TRO.

Whatever!!! Maiba ako, nabasa mo ba ang editorial ng The Varsitarian ng UST? Anong masasabi mo sa banat ng Varsi na “intellectual pretenders at interlopers” daw ang mga propesor ng Ateneo at La Salle?

I was stunned. I was dumbfounded. I was shocked. I was lovin’ it! Go USTe! For a moment, nakaramdam ako ng pride. Whoever wrote that scathing editorial’s got a lot of promise; a potential protégé! ‘Yan tuloy, maraming nang-aalaska sa UST nang talunin ng Ateneo sa finals. Lemons n’yo raw ang mukha n’yo! Ang saya! Keep it up Varsitarian!


Before I let you go, ano palang masasabi mo sa buhok ni Charice sa X Factor Philippines?

Demonyo ako, hindi stylist!

Sus! Nagpapalusot?

You wish!

Eh ano, takot sa Cybecrime Law?

Tanga! Takot ako sa fans ni Charice! Ikaw ba hindi?

Takot.

Ok, next question please.

Naniniwala ka ba sa maligno?

Sa totoong maligno o sa pangalawang pangulo?

Hooooooy! Hindi maligno si Vice President Binay!

Bakit? May sinabi ba akong Binay? Kapag pangalawang pangulo ba, Binay agad? Hindi ba pwedeng pangalawang pangulo ng PTA muna o Fejodap o PasigTODA?

Hay naku. Palusot na naman. Iwan na nga natin ang isyung ‘to.

I’m sure takot ka lang sa Cybercrime Law!

Fuck you.

Thank you!
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“The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don’t do anything about it.”
~Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day
“This Senate committee version of the Sin Tax Bill is so watered down, it should be called “the death star bill. I am gobsmacked at the committee report. It is an abject surrender to the very rich & very powerful tobacco & alcohol lobby. I don’t buy the argument that cigarettes & alcohol are the entertainment of the poor. The purpose of entertainment is relaxation, not death.”
~Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago

UAAP 75
Congratulations to the Ateneo Blue Eagles! The #DriveForFive is complete! To the UST Growling Tigers, cheer up. You had a great season.

Next year: UP Maroons naman ang #SureNaSuresaFinal4

Have a great weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[For EPAL PHOTOS (your own), you may email them here: epaliticians@yahoo.com]

CELEBRATIONS


Pac and Barack
Cong. Manny Pacquiao met with US President Barack Obama during a White House visit Wednesday morning (Manila time). Obama promised to help Pacquiao knock out poverty in Sarangani Province; Pacquiao promised to help Obama knock out illegal Mexican immigrants in the US.

US President Barack Obama and Filipino lawmaker Manny Pacquiao met for the first time at the White House. Apparently awed by each other’s presence, Pacquiao’s first words were, “As an African-American, do you also like boxing?” And then Obama said, “As a Filipino leader, do you also like hotdogs?

Accompanied by his wife Jinkee, Sarangani Rep. Manny Pacquiao met with US President Barack Obama at the White House. The two leaders exchanged gifts during lunch. Obama gave Pacman a watch with the presidential logo on it. Pacquiao gave Obama a pair of boxing trunks with his sponsors’ logos on it.


Reports say US Vice President Joe Biden was also present during the Obama-Pacquiao meeting. In fact, when Biden saw Jinkee Pacquiao, he said, “You remind me of my daughter.” And then Jinkee replied, “You remind me of our Senate president.”

Manny Pacquiao also met with Senator Harry Reid. Just so you know, Pacman endorsed Reid during the US midterm elections last year. So far, Reid is the only candidate, Filipino or American, that won after being endorsed by Pacman.

The People’s Champ and 8-division world champion Manny Pacquiao invited US President Barack Obama to watch his next fight against Sugar Shane Mosley… to which Obama said in Filipino, “Sino ‘yon?”


People Power Anniversary
Former presidents Fidel V. Ramos and Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo as well as Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile will be invited to participate in the activities commemorating the 25th anniversary of the 1986 People Power Revolution. Even former president Joseph Estrada will be asked to join the celebration. It seems that Malacañang has invited everyone who was present during President Aquino’s inauguration last year… except for Juana Change.

SC: Impeach Mercy
The Supreme Court has voted to allow the House of Representatives to proceed with the impeachment proceedings against Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez. Seven magistrates said “Yes!” for the continuation of the impeachment proceedings while five said “No.” Oddly, the three remaining justices said, “ugly but rich.”

Trillanes Fires Back
Sen. Antonio Trillanes IV said the Philippine Daily Inquirer got it all wrong when the paper quoted him as saying that former Defense Secretary Angelo Reyes was “not the powerful man” behind former military comptroller Carlos F. Garcia. I’m not sure if that will be Trillanes’ final statement on the issue so I’ll reserve my punchline for next week. Mabuti na’ng sigurado.

Famous Solon
Rumors say Dinagat Rep. Ruben Ecleo Jr., who was recently convicted of graft, wants to star in his own movie. Ecleo is confident his film will make a killing at the tills because of his cult following.

Cong. Ruben Ecleo Jr. failed to get a TRO on the arrest warrant issued by the Sandiganbayan in connection with his graft conviction. Ecleo’s not losing hope though. He’ll seek the help of his god by offering a goat, two cows, and three cult members.

Shooting Phil
Phil Younghusband of the Philippine football team reveals he is into target shooting… to which President Noynoy Aquino said, “You want to work in my government?”

Enrile, Valentine’s Day, etc.
Senator Enrile turned a year older on February 14. Wanna know how old is he now? Here’s a clue: when he was born, there was no Valentine’s Day yet.

On Valentine’s Day, Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile celebrated his 87th birthday. To mark this special day, Enrile staged a fake birthday party for himself.

Session at the Senate was briefly interrupted when Senator Enrile opened the gifts from his fellow senators. He thanked all of his colleagues for their birthday presents… except for an unidentified lawmaker who gave him a Fossil watch.

Senator Enrile got the surprise of his life when ABS-CBN President Charo Santos phoned him on his 87th birthday. The Kapamilya executive offered Enrile a cameo in the fantasy series, ‘Imortal.’

Turning 35 and 87 on Valentine’s Day, respectively were TV host Marc Nelson and Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile… or as Sen. Loren Legarda would describe them, “A very active guy who is boyfriend material, and Marc Nelson.”

Not everyone was happy on the day of hearts. Rumors have it Sen. Antonio Trillanes IV got pissed when he opened his wife’s Valentine’s Day gift – flip-flops!

Overheard
“Dear Mr. President,
Noong kasagsagan ng kampanya, nag-promise kang ibubuhos mo ang iyong atensyon sa akin kapag nanalo ka. Pero anong nangyari? Kung kailan Araw ng mga Puso, saka ka nawalan ng kibo? How could you?
Nagtatampo,
Freedom of Information Bill”

Photo of the Weak

Ano ang sinasabi ng mga tao sa larawan?
A: “Ako si Bernardo Carpio! Naiipit sa dalawang nag-uumpugang balo, este bato.”
B: “Pia, naaamoy mo ba ang naaamoy ko?” “Ano ‘yon Senator Loren?” “Parang amoy formaline?!”
C: “Hindi hawak ng mga bituin ang ating kapalaran. Gabay lamang sila. Meron tayong free will, gamitin natin ito.”
D: “Teka! Teka! Hinay-hinay lang girls. Sumisikip ang pantalon ko!”
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“They say that age is all in your mind. The trick is keeping it from creeping down into your body.”
~Author Unknown

Survey Says
Ikaw, anong pipiliin mong maging partner?
– Pangit pero super rich 25.19%
– Maganda/Guwapo pero poor 19.26%
– Wala na lang. Choosy ako. 55.56%

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