First Gentleman Mike Arroyo – THE PROFESSIONAL HECKLER

IN

Investments
President Aquino is reportedly amazed at the very huge amount allocated by China to the Philippines. Unfortunately, nobody informed the President that it represents just half of China’s “downpayment” for our claim to the Spratlys.

Loveless
In a speech before the Filipino community in Beijing, President Aquino lamented that his lovelife has gone from regular to light to zero just like Coca-Cola. If the President was complaining about a basic human right, China’s not the right place to talk about it.

Lifted
Justice Secretary Leila de Lima lifted the watchlist order against Attorney Jose Miguel Arroyo last Thursday. This means that the former First Gentleman will no longer need to seek government permission when traveling outside the country – say, Algeria.
Terminated
Last Thursday, September 1, President Aquino announced that Customs Commissioner Angelito Alvarez’ last day in office will be on September 15. Too soon huh! Alvarez wasn’t complaining though since the media had already informed him of his termination way back in June.

Today is September 3, 2011. There are only 112 days until Christmas. For Commissioner Angelito Alvarez it’s “12 days before Good Friday.”

New LTFRB Chief
There is a new LTFRB chair – lawyer Jaime Jacob. He’s a member of the Liberal Party and he lost in last year’s elections. Or as President Aquino’s search committee would say, “just exactly what we’re looking for.”

Nereus Acosta has been appointed as acting general manager of the Laguna Lake Development Authority. Jaime Jacob is the new LTFRB chairman. Ruffy Biazon’s appointment to the Bureau of Customs is expected to be announced soon. Acosta, Jacob, and Biazon are all members of the Liberal Party who lost in the last elections. Observers describe them as loyal, hardworking, competent, and ‘political accommodations.’

Public Service Announcement

Ciara on RH Bill
Defending her father, Sen. Tito Sotto on his anti-Reproductive Health bill stance, starlet Ciara Sotto says, “Ang ipinaglalaban ni Daddy, huwag kayong mas marunong pa sa Diyos. I believe that God will not create a world na masyadong marami ‘yong mga tao.” Apparently, Ciara’s not aware of the existence of China.

Shalani’s New Guy?
President Aquino’s former girlfriend, Valenzuela City Councilor Shalani Soledad is reportedly dating Pasig City Rep. Roman Romulo. Meanwhile, Iza Calzado who recently broke up with model/businessman Atticus King reportedly dated President Aquino before the latter visited China. Standard and Poor’s has denied it was behind the double downgrade.

Urine
Mexican boxer Juan Manuel Marquez revealed that he drinks his urine. That’s nothing compared to former President Arroyo who eats her words.
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“Politics I supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.”
~Ronald Reagan

You Have Spoken
Do you segregate garbage at home?
-Absolutely. Dapat lang naman ‘di ba? 43.46%
-No. Ang hirap gawin eh. 21.99%
-Minsan lang. Kapag sinisipag. 34.55%

Personal
Congratulations to Direk Floy Quintos and Prof. (tama ba ako Lallie?) Layeta Bucoy for winning yet again in the prestigious Palanca Awards for Literature.

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Have a great weekend!

“I AM BACK!”

I AM SHARING with you now the final batch of inquiries I got through email. If you’ve got questions yourselves, do not hesitate to ask by following me @HecklerForever on Twitter. I will try to answer your questions as promptly as possible. Thank you.

Here we go…

Dear Professional Heckler,
I am back! You should be ashamed of yourself for peddling lies to the public while I was away, knowing fully well that I could not confront your lies in my absence.
Naghihimutok,
FG

Dear FG,
Bakit ako? ‘Di ba? Kasi tingnan mo o, who will tell me? Who will tell me? Really! Did you guys even tell me about those choppers? Wala eh. Nobody even bothered. Nobody informed. It’s as if you’re waiting for me to just do that: lambast you while you’re away. Dapat i-inform, iinform. I should have been informed. ‘Yon lang ‘yon.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Kapag hindi ako dumalo sa hearing, sasabihin nila, meron akong itinatago. Kapag umattend naman ako, baka atakihin ako sa puso. Ano ba ang dapat kong gawin?
Problemado,
FG

Dear FG,
Ang sipag mong sumulat ah. Wala kang ginagawa ‘no? Anyway, I’m sure, kahit dumalo ka pa sa hearing, meron ka pa ring itatago. You’ll freakin’ invoke your freakin right against freakin self-incrimination. What’s the freakin’ difference? ‘Wag ka na lang dumalo. Kailangan ka namin nang buhay.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Sino ba talaga ang may-ari sa akin? ‘Yong Archibald Po o si FG?
Kainis,
Controversial Helicopters

Dear Controversial Helicopters,
Para sa ‘yong impormasyon, ang owner mo ngayon, ‘yong PNP. Sino ang may-ari sa ‘yo? Mali ka! Ang dapat na tanong: sino’ng kumita?
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Dapat ko bang ipa-feng shui ang Room 512 na dating kuwarto ni Migz sa Senado? You know, for good luck.
Padayon,
Koko

Dear Koko,
Ipina-feng shui na rin ‘yan ni Migz noon. Apparently, four years lang ang bisa ng suwerte. Hindi naman kasi hawak ng feng shui ang iyong kapalaran. Hawak ito ng election operators and canvassers. Sila ang dapat mong ipa-feng shui.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
After ng bakasyon namin ni Audrey, wala na akong gagawin. That’s what I fear most – boredom. Help!
Worried,
Migz

Dear Migz,
Since very close ka naman sa Team Azkals, why not try out for the team? Mestizo ka rin naman. Ayaw mo ba no’n? From Senate to soccer. Astig pare!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Do you know where you’re going to? Do you like the things that life is showing you? Where are you going to? Do you know?
Answer me!
Senator Alan Peter

Dear Senator Alan Peter,
Talagang pinatugtog mo si Diana Ross sa Senate floor? Gano’ng level na ba ang mga mambabatas ngayon? I cannot imagine Senator Jovito Salonga trying to pull off the same stunt. Ang cheap huh!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
I never thought that a person of my stature would someday commit a stupid mistake and apologize to Mike Arroyo. Ano ang dapat kong gawin sa subordinate na nag-feed sa akin ng wrong Immigration info: suspindehin o sibakin?
Napahiya,
Madam Leila

Dear Madam Leila,
Itinatanong po ninyo kung dapat suspindehin o sibakin? Neither! Turuan n’yo na lang po ng tamang spelling. Ang tanga-tanga lang nila, sa totoo lang. Embarrassing!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Hindi ko na ‘to kinakaya. Kinasuhan na ako ng electioneering. My God! What is happening?!
Ayoko na!
Manoling

Dear Manoling,
‘k.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Nang lumabas ang aking interview sa “Showbiz Central” ng GMA7 last month, grabe ring insulto ang inabot ko online. Nilait-lait ako sa mga social networking sites. Nag-trend din ako sa Twitter worldwide at nasaktan rin ang aking pamilya. Pero bakit ni isa sa inyo, walang pumiyok at nagsabing may nagaganap na cyber-bullying? Bakit walang nag-raise ng isyu ng social media excess? Bakit?
Naiiyak,
Amanda C

Dear Amanda C,
Summa cum laude ka ba? UP Law ka ba? Dati ka bang opisyal ng University Student Council sa State University? Nagre-review ka ba ngayon for the bar exams? Lumusong ka ba sa baha at lumutang ang kotse habang eksklusibong kinukunan ng isang TV reporter? Kung hindi, ‘wag ka nang magtaka. Life’s unfair. I’m sure, familiar ka rin naman sa terminong ‘double standard,’ right?
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Sino na po ang dini-date ngayon ng ating Pangulo? May update ba kayo sa kanyang lovelife?
Intrigera lang,
Tarcila

Dear Tarcila,
Kasi naman, pinansin pa ng media. Ayan tuloy, hindi na niya binabanggit ang lovelife niya sa kanyang speeches. Mag-aminan na tayo! Nami-miss mo ang tsismis ‘no?
Heckler
P.S. May alam ka ba? Itext mo naman.

Dear Professional Heckler,
Wala kaming incentives na makukuha sa government dahil ayon sa Philippine Sports Commission (PSC) hindi raw kami national athletes. Anong masasabi mo?
Champs,
Philippine Dragon Boat Team

Dear Philippine Dragon Boat Team,
Hindi man kayo national athletes, national pride naman kayo! Sabihin n’yo sa mga opisyal ng PSC, “isaksak n’yo sa baga n’yo ang incentives n’yo!”
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Kamakalawa po ay nagkaroon ng hearing sa Senado tungkol sa illegal trade ng mga tukô. Nagulat po ako nang makita ko sa TV na may mga buháy na tukông dinala sa Senado. Ano po ang unang reaksyon ng mga senador nang makita ang mga ‘yon?
Wala lang,
Aling Budang

Dear Aling Budang,
Isa lang ang naging reaksyon ng mga senador nang makita ang mga tukô. Sabi nila: “Welcome to the Senate ‘kapamilya!’”
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Your pathetic UP bias aside, do you think we could sweep the second round of the UAAP cage wars for a 14-0 win-loss slate?
One Big Fight,
Kiefer & Slaughter

Dear Kiefer & Slaughter,
Whatever!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Patahimikin n’yo na ako! Please lang. Ilibing n’yo na ako!
Nagmamakaawa,
Ferdie Macoy

Dear Ferdie Macoy,
Fault ko? Fault kong nasa freezer pa rin ang katawang lupa mo??? Sorry ka na lang dahil choosy ang pamilya mo!
Heckler
—————————————————————————————
“Falling ill is not something that happens to us, it is a choice we make as a result of things happening to us.”
~Jonathan Miller

Personal
Thank you so much for the nomination. The Professional Heckler is one of the finalists in the Globe T@tt Awards: WordSlayer category. You may visit the official site to vote for your favorites. Bahala na kayo. Malalaki na kayo. Sabi nga ni Zenaida Seva, meron kayong free will, gamitin n’yo ito. Mabuhay!

You Have Spoken
Umabuso raw ang users ng social media (Twitter, Facebook, etc) sa pag-handle sa insidenteng kinasangkutan ni Christopher Lao. Your take:
-Excuse me. We’re just expressing our views, our thoughts on what happened. 50.45%
-Agree ako. Dapat isipin muna kung ano ang ating isusulat o ipopost. Baka nakakasakit na tayo. 30%
-Sino si Christopher Lao? 19.55%

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Have fun!

FYI

BEFORE YOU read any further, I would like to INFORM you that some of the items on this blog may not please you. Should you decide to read on, and realize later that this wasn’t amusing enough, please do not blame me, the bystanders, the MMDA or the reporter who recommended you this site. You’ve been warned.

De Lima Apologizes
Justice Secretary Leila De Lima apologized to First Gentleman Mike Arroyo for declaring that he did not go through immigration when he left the country last Sunday. De Lima lamented, “I wasn’t fully informed! It’s as if Immigration people were waiting for me to do just that: commit a mistake!”

Earlier last week, Justice Secretary Leila De Lima told the media that the Bureau of Immigration has no record of Attorney Arroyo leaving for Hong Kong last Sunday. In fact, prior to the discovery of the Immigration Bureau’s spelling error, the DOJ announced six new witnesses to prove that Arroyo did not go through immigration.

Immediately after learning that a subordinate fed the wrong information on Attorney Arroyo’s trip to Hong Kong, Justice Secretary De Lima apologized. To prove her sincerity, De Lima has placed the subordinate on the immigration watch list.

Justice Secretary Leila De Lima said, “If the first gentleman is seeking for my apology then I’m humbly doing it.” To which Hubert Webb said, “Eh sa ‘kin, kailan?”

Japan Meeting
A secret meeting was recently held in Tokyo, Japan between Moro Islamic Liberation Front chair Al Haj Murad Ebrahim and the new chairman of the government peace panel, Benigno Simeon Aquino III.

Reports say the President’s trip to Japan was unannounced and unofficial. It was so secret the Bureau of Immigration has no record of his departure.

This just in: Malacañang has denied rumors that President Aquino secretly left last night for Utrecht, The Netherlands.

Lao & Order
Much has been said about last week’s Internet sensation, Christopher Lao. The UP Law graduate has already apologized… earning praise from friends who believe that he could be Justice Secretary someday.

Campaigns
GMA News is promoting the responsible use of social media through its campaign called “Think Before You Click.” Meanwhile, the MMDA will soon promote the responsible use of cars through its campaign called “Think Before You Drive… Through A Flood.”

August Weather
PAGASA says two to three tropical cyclones are expected to enter the Philippine Area of Responsibility this month. Flashfloods and landslides are possible. People are advised to avoid low-lying zones, flood-prone areas, and Jun Veneracion.

The Christopher Lao Incident: How they reacted

President Aquino: “Kung puwede lang ho sana ay ibalato n’yo na lang kay Mr Lao ang konting privacy na natitira sa kanya.”

Manny Pacquiao: “Nasa Baybul kasi ‘yun. Sabi sa Mateo Kapitulu Katursi, Bersikulu Binti-Singku: Nang madaling araw na’y sumunod sa kanila si Hisus na naglalakad sa ibabaw ng tubig!” Now you know! Nasa Baybul sabi eh.”

Sen. Juan Miguel Zubiri: “For honor and dignity.”

President Arroyo: “He did what’s right, he did what’s best, and God took care of the resht.”

Virgilio Garcillano: “Bakit?!? Inamin ba ni Christopher Lao na siya ang nasa video? Ang totoo n’yan… spliced ang video!”

Atty. Edwin Lacierda: “At the end of the day, what’s important is he survived the ordeal.”

Bishop Teodoro Bacani: “Kadiri!”

Atty. Mike Arroyo: “This is plain and simple persecution. You are persecuting him!”

Sharon Cuneta: “Wala pong duda mga kaibigan, he is the biggest loser.”

Kris Aquino: “Gosh, shocked talaga ako sa video. I was like… OMG! He’s kinda cute pa naman! Promise! Aha-ha-ha! Ayoko na ngang mag-comment. Baka mag-react na naman si James at sabihing malandi ako. Wait! Bettina, can you ask Boy if puwedeng iguest ‘tong Lao na ‘to sa Bottomline next week!? I swear, magri-rate to!”

Amanda Coling: “Hindi ko po sinasabing mali o tama ang ginawa ni Christopher Lao. Kung pwede po sana, ayoko munang pag-usapan kung anuman ang nangyari.”

Bishop Juan De Dios Pueblos: “Dear Congresswoman Arroyo, Christopher Lao really needs a brand new car, possibly a 4 x 4. On his behalf, I will be anticipating your favorable response on this regard.”

Shocking Zubiri
Some people are still in shock after Senator Juan Miguel Zubiri’s resignation. Arguably, he was last week’s biggest newsmaker. What’s more remarkable was the fact that he made news without even trying to drive through a flooded street.

The Arroyos
Good news for the former First Gentleman who’s still in Hong Kong: his wife, the former president has been discharged from St. Luke’s Medical Center Friday. In even better news for FG, Mrs. Arroyo was advised to rest her voice for at least a week.

Suicide
According to a study on suicides conducted by Maria Theresa Redaniel, May Antonnette Lebanan-Dalida, David Gunnell, the most common reasons for self harm in the Philippines were family and relationship problems. In number 2 was the government’s anti-corruption witch-hunt.

UPCAT 2011
Some 70,000 high school seniors, perhaps the largest batch in history, took the UP College Admission Test. The five-hour examination consists of subtests on language proficiency, mathematics, science, reading comprehension… and just for this batch, common sense.

Overseas…
US President Barack Obama celebrated his 50th birthday recently. He started the day by personally renewing his license at the LTO.
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“Common sense is the knack of seeing things as they are, and doing things as they ought to be done.”
~C.E.Stowe

You Have Spoken
Ano ang reaksyon mo sa pagbibitiw ni Sen. Juan Miguel Zubiri?
-Isang kapuri-puring hakbang. Mabuhay ka! 28.67%
-Guilty kasi! Graceful exit lang ‘yan. 50%
-Wala akong pakialam. Mababa pa rin ang suweldo ko. 21.33%

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Have a safe, sexy, and productive week ahead!

THE FUTURE EX-FIRST FAMILY

THE ARROYOS have reportedly left Malacañang. In fact, according to reports, the First Family has been cleaning out their closets in the palace for more than two months now. And they’d probably need another month or two to finish… considering the huge number of skeletons they keep in there.

The Arroyo family has reportedly left Malacañang last Sunday. First Gentleman Mike Arroyo said, “We are happy to leave Malacañang,” to which Malacañang replied, “The feeling is mutual.”

Top 12 Messages Left on the Arroyos’ Answering Machine in Malacañang

No. 12: “Hello ma’am? Si Garci po ito ma’am. Hihiram po sana ako ng konting halaga bago kayo bumaba sa puwesto. Matumal ang kita noong eleksyon eh. Alam n’yo na, automated.”

No. 11: “Eow powhzzzz! PAn6UL0n6 ÅrrÕyØ. mÃrÅm1nG $ÅLÅmÅ+ ph0w Å+ g1nÅwÅ n1ny0nG h0L1DÅy Ång jUnE 3Ø. mÅk~k~+ambÅy nÃ ÑÅmÅn kÅmi $a MaLL! +HÅnk U’ pfoWh üL3+. Lolz!”

No. 10: “Sir, Ma’am… si Udong Mahusay po ito. ‘Paalala ko lang po ang lifetime allowance na ‘pinangako n’yo sa kin ni Sir Mike Defensor noong 2003. Bigla po niyang inihinto after ng eleksyon eh.”

No. 9: “Dad, Mom… Luli here. Whatever happens, always remember that you’re the best parents in the world. Lalo na ikaw Dad. I love you mom, love you dad. Wait lang, hold on… ‘Mang Gusting, ilang beses ko bang sasabihin sa inyo na ayaw na ayaw kong nali-late ang driver!? Usted está despedido! Humanap na lang kayo ng ibang amo! Ora mismo!’”

No. 8: “Hellowww… mga maids? ‘Musta na kayo mga friendship? Todo na ‘to! As in todo na to the highest level! Wala ba jan si Sir Mikey n’yo? Grabe huh! ‘Di na naman niya ako sinipot sa Lubao kagabi. Ang linaw-linaw ng usapan! Heller! Nag-cancel nga ako ng taping para sa kanya ‘tapos mang-iindyan lang pala??? Okay lang siya?? Pakisabi mag-return call siya, okay? Kailangan ko ng pang-shopping! Pasensya na! Go go go!”

No. 7: “Ni hao! Mike, alam ko d’yan ka pa palasyo. Si Mrs. Toh. ‘Wag ka bobo! Hindi ako Gloria. Si Mrs. Toh! Ikaw ‘wag na tago sa akyen. Matagal na kita hanap. Wala pa closure atyen breakup. Ikaw tawag akyen agad. Wo xiangnian ni.”

No. 6: “Hi ma’am. This is your favorite student in Ateneo, Joey Salceda. My unsolicited advice is for you to accept the harsh reality: Life’s a bitch. And so are you. Charing! Just kidding. Babush!”

No. 5: “Hi ma’am. This is Chiz Escudero, inaanak n’yo sa kasal. Sa inyong paglisan, nais ko lang ipaalala, at sana’y inyong tatandaan: ang masamang hangarin, kailanman ay hindi magtatagumpay. Ang pag-unlad ng bansa ay hindi nasusukat sa dami ng naipagawang tulay o naipatayong gusali kundi sa kaledad ng buhay ng bawat Pilipinong malinaw na binigo ng inyong administrasyon. Marami pa rin ang kumakalam ang sikmura. Marami pa rin ang walang hanapbuhay. Marami pa rin ang nakatira sa ilalim ng mga tulay at mababahong estero. Marami pa rin ang tila sabik sa pagbabagong dapat sana ay… (Beep!) [You cannot complete this call. Please reload and then dial again. You cannot complete this call. Please reload and then dial again. You cannot complete this call. Please reload and then dial again.]”

No. 4: “Hello! Si Mar ulit ‘to. This is my fourth call and you still refuse to answer! C’mon hon, let’s be sport, okay? Whether you like it or not, we will attend Noynoy’s inauguration together. Hon? Talk to me. Are you ther… Put*ng-i*aaaaaaaaaaaaaa, mali ang nai-dial ko!”

No. 3: “Hilluw? Is this the palas pown? Sa palasyu ba ‘tung numirung itu? Ah basta, itu lang ang miseyds ku. Unang-una, pasalamat aku sa Panginuun sa mga blissings sa kin. Pangalawa, pasalamat aku sa ating prisidinti sa walang-sawang pag-supurta sa mga laban ku. Kahit papanu, mami-miss ko kayu mahal na pangulu at Pirst Jintilman Husi Migil Arruyu. Hanggang ditu na lamang pu ang aking minsahi at aaminin ku pu sa inyu… ‘di pa rin pu aku makapaniwala na aku at ikaw, mahal na pangulu ay magka-livil na ngayun sa Kungrisu! You know…”

No. 2: “Hello Mrs. President. Paalis ka pa lang, pabalik na kami! C’est la vie! Kami nga pala ang mga miyembro ng Hyatt 10 at The Firm. Ang saya-saya ulit, noh?”

And the No.1 message left on the Arroyos’ answering machine in Malacañang…

“Hello… Inday? Shi ma’am mo ito. Pumashok ka nga sha dati kong kuwarto at paki-check kung do’n ko naiwan ang shilicone para sha aking kaliwang shuso. Thankxssh!”

FG’s Book
Last Tuesday, outgoing First Gentleman Mike Arroyo launched his book titled “The First,” which includes all his answers to criticisms against him and his family. Go get a copy now. When you enter Powerbooks, it’s located near the section with a big sign that says, “People who bought this book also bought Ann Coulter’s “High Crimes and Misdemeanors.”

Outgoing First Gentleman Mike Arroyo launched a coffee table book called “The First,” which includes all his answers to criticisms against him and his family. The book has 10 chapters. One chapter was devoted to Mr. Arroyo’s answers to allegations of graft and corruption; the rest were devoted to the allegations of graft and corruption.

Mike Arroyo launched a book called “The First,” which includes all his answers to criticisms against him and his family. But I heard it’s selling poorly. The publisher attributes the poor sales to the opening line of the book. It says, “Back off.”
—————————-
“We judge others by their behavior. We judge ourselves by our intentions.”
~Ian Percy

Survey Says
Pabor ka bang italagang kalihim ng Department of Interior and Local Government si Vice President-elect Jejomar Binay?
OO naman. Alam na niya ang trabaho d’yan! 25.6%
NOPE! Scary! Be afraid. Be very afraid. 66.8%
Hmmm, ewan. 7.5%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

The Who
TV show recently asked Aspen Oak: Are you ready to entertain suitors now? Aspen Oak’s answer was a categorical “No.” Unknown to the public though, Aspen Oak has been in a steady relationship with Sunflower Zinnia. The not-so-surprising twist? They’re both women – and moms. Aspen Oak used to be “friends” with has-been actress, Aster Anthurium. Sino sila? Itanong n’yo na lang sa halimaw sa banga!

Personal
Because we’re in it to win it.
Because we never doubted our team.
Because we, the loyal Los Angeles Lakers fans will always…
.

Go Lakers!

Elsewhere…
Did PDI columnist Belinda Olivarezs-Cunanan resign or was she fired?

TWO MEN AND A BABY

Disclaimer: The jokes that you are about to read are original to this blog. These were neither copied nor “borrowed” from talk show hosts, a book author or an incumbent president. The blogger did not seek the help of Ateneo students or alumni in crafting the humor pieces. He will take full responsibility for punch lines that fail to amuse readers.

Dumped!
It seems to be the “in” thing these days. Manny Pangilinan resigns from Ateneo. Chavit Singson rejects Gilbert Teodoro. And Baby James dumps Noynoy Aquino.

Baby James & Politics
At a recent campaign sortie in Bacolod City, Kris Aquino’s 2-year-old son Baby James blurted out “Villar!” on the microphone to the delight of the Ilonggos. A noticeably stunned Kris had to turn him away from the crowd. The Bacolod incident has prompted Noynoy Aquino to conduct a loyalty check on his family.

Insiders revealed it was the second time in two nights that Kris Aquino got so upset. The previous night, while she and husband James Yap were making love, she got incensed when he blurted out, “Mayen!”

The Latest Survey
The Liberal Party feels like celebrating! According to Pulse Asia, the number of Filipinos who will not vote for Noynoy Aquino is slightly down to 63 percent.

Sen. Noynoy Aquino promises to dance if he wins the presidency. He didn’t exactly say when but he told the farmers that he’ll do it in five years.

Bad news for Sen. Manny Villar: According to the March 2010 Pulse Asia survey, his rating has dropped further to 25 percent. Villar is confident though that he’ll rebound in the next survey after getting the endorsement of Baby James.

The First Gentleman
First Gentleman Mike Arroyo has been discharged from St. Luke’s Medical Center but was barred from getting involved in any political activity like campaigning. Another bad news for Senator Villar.

Doctors have barred the First Gentleman from getting involved in any activity that could trigger another heart attack. In particular, they advised him to avoid reading the Inquirer or listening to DZMM.

Lakas-CMD-Kampi Caucus
Did you hear what happened on Tuesday night? Lakas-CMD-Kampi’s National Caucus of Governors met at Discovery Suites in Pasig City. Rocked by recent defections, they vowed to rally behind Gilbert Teodoro. Contrary to rumors though, the meeting was full of life. In fact, the governors were in high spirits. Even President Arroyo was so happy to see them together. She ate and drank with them, and before the night was over, they had fun playing a parlor game called “The boat is sinking.”

Shalani is Hurt
An ABS-CBN report says Shalani Soledad is hurt by insinuations that her boyfriend, Noynoy Aquino has a mental disorder… to which former senator Loi Ejercito said “I can so relate.”

Reelectionist Valenzuela City councilor Shalani Soledad is reportedly hurt by insinuations that presidential candidate Noynoy Aquino has a mental disorder. Asked ‘why the concern,’ she said, “‘Coz he’s special.”

Photo of the Weak:
GMA Turns 63

Ano ang sinasabi ng mga tao sa larawan:
A: “Masamang espiritu… inuutusan kita! Layuan mo ang katawan ng babaeng ito!”
B: “Kunin mo o Diyos, at tanggapin mo…”
C: “Naku Bishop, para naman pong ‘di tumatalab ang banta mo eh. Sakalin ko na lang kaya?”

Notes on a (Plagiarism) Scandal
After the plagiarism fiasco, PLDT Chairman Manuel V. Pangilinan’s ghostwriters reportedly wanted to “come out” but he said no. He explained, “It has worked for me, it can work for you.”
———————
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.”
~Franklin P. Jones

Briefly Noted: MVP & Jimmy Fallon
On “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon,” host Jimmy Fallon delivered this joke:
“Listen to this, a prominent Filipino businessman quit his job at a major university after admitting that he made a speech plagiarizing Barack Obama, Oprah Winfrey, and J.K. Rowling. People got suspicious after he opened with the line, ‘Look under your seats, muggles, because everyone is going home with a free hope and change!'”

[O, ‘di ko ginaya ‘yang joke ni Jimmy Fallon huh. Mas nauna akong nag-post ng MVP article kesa sa telecast ng show niya sa US. Ha-ha]

Survey Says
Of the three presidential candidates who attended the El Shaddai anniversary last Saturday, who do you think would be endorsed by Bro. Mike Velarde?
NOYNOY AQUINO 22%
JOSEPH ESTRADA 6%
MANNY VILLAR 72%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

This just in!
According to MSNBC, a human-sized, colorful species of lizard with two penises has been found in the Philippines. Scientists accidentally discovered the animal when they heard extraordinary moaning from a female lizard.

LIMITS

The First Gentleman
First Gentleman Jose Miguel Arroyo was rushed to the hospital Thursday morning after another heart-related problem. Since the First Couple rose to power, FG’s heart has always got him into trouble.

Following his heart surgery a few years back, reports say, the First Gentleman’s health has always been questionable. Just like his wife’s election victory.

According to reports, President Arroyo opted to stay in the hospital to keep watch over the First Gentleman. Presidential son Mikey Arroyo opted to stay there too… to watch over the hospital building. No ID, No Entry.

President Arroyo has decided not to campaign in Pampanga to be with her sick husband in the hospital. Nonetheless, the decision to forgo the activity won’t affect her chances of winning in the coming polls since she’s been campaigning in her district for the past three years.

Air Time Limits
The Commission on Elections revealed that Noynoy Aquino has exceeded the allotted time for campaign advertisements in ABS-CBN. He has already consumed 291.5 minutes of broadcast time in the network… and that’s for Kris Aquino’s monologues alone.

Even Manny Villar who has already used 256.5 minutes in ABS-CBN has exceeded his allotted airtime. However, the Nacionalista Party standard bearer is unfazed by his dwindling air time because he’s keen on ‘buying’ the unused spots of Jamby Madrigal and Richard Gordon.

Manny’s Campaign
Manny Pacquiao has kicked off his campaign for a congressional seat in Saranggani province. And his campaign is off to a weird start when he challenged his opponent, businessman Roy Chiongbian to a mandatory urine test a week before the elections.

With Senators Manny Villar and Loren Legarda, Manny Pacquiao, on Friday kicked off his campaign for a Congressional seat in Saranggani province. Villar, Legarda, and the pound-for-pound king were introduced to the crowd by Michael Buffer.

Earth Hour
On Saturday night, the country was plunged into darkness for the 3rd worldwide Earth Hour. More than a thousand cities and municipalities all over the country switched off their lights for one hour… an event described by organizers as “momentous,” and by the people of Mindanao as “corny.”

The 3rd Global Earth Hour was a huge success in the Philippines. Even politicians participated in the event. After switching off the lights in her Ilocos mansion, Imelda Marcos lit the wick attached to the body of her husband Ferdinand.

In Times Street, Noynoy Aquino together with his sister Kris, James Yap, Boy Abunda and their celebrity friends held a torch rally.

All over the world on Saturday, lights were switched off for 60 minutes by Earth Hour participants… except for Noynoy and Villar who exceeded 60 minutes.
————————-
“Your lifestyle – how you live, eat, emote, and think – determines your health. To prevent disease, you may have to change how you live.”
~Brian Carter

Da Who!
When Morocco Algeria, an incumbent local official was informed that her opponent in the coming elections, Bahrain Jamaica was visiting their district, Morocco Algeria hired dozens of impoverished residents to line up in the streets and hold huge placards bearing her (Morocco Algeria) name. “Iparamdam n’yo sa kanya na ako ang iboboto n’yo at hindi siya!” Each “rallyist” was promised 175 pesos for the service. After accomplishing their job, the “rallyists” got the shock of their lowly lives when the staff of Morocco Algeria gave them two pan de sal each, a bottle of mineral water, and P75 only. They’ve been had! Here’s the catch: When the staff of Morocco Algeria returned to retrieve the placards, they yelled: “Hindi puwede! Hindi namin ibabalik ang mga placards na ito hangga’t ‘di n’yo kinukumpleto ang bayad!”

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Ginagago tayo ng mga punyetang ‘yan! Marginalized my ass! 77%

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THE NEXT EPISODE

ABS-CBN’s Statement
Finally, ABS-CBN has issued a statement on the “Maalaala Mo Kaya” controversy and personally, I appreciate the network’s admission of its mistake. Part of the statement reads:

“Be that as it may, and after careful deliberation, MMK realizes that its writing and research pool may have been remiss in one thing—verifying with UPLB the veracity of the indicated facts of the letter sender. Having said that, MMK sincerely apologizes for the oversight.”

Amen!

This incident should serve as a lesson to its researchers and writers. Hindi lahat ng tagapanood, nananahimik lamang. Hindi lahat ng tagapanood, umiiyak o tumatawa lamang sa mga ginagawa n’yong kuwento sa inyong palabas. Maraming tagapanood: NAG-IISIP.

Top 5 Proposed Plots for the Next Episode of ABS-CBN’s “Maalaala Mo Kaya” (With Episode Title Suggestions)

No. 5:
Title: “Gamot”
Synopsis: Three summa cum laude graduates who belong to affluent families from Ayala Alabang Village couldn’t get a job. So they resorted to peddling drugs to equally wealthy patrons. But they got caught and jailed. Not used to staying in adverse environments like claustrophobic and dilapidated detention cells, they lost their minds. Authorities subsequently released them. However, the traumatic experience was too much for the rich kids, they never regained their sanity and became a trio of “grasa boys.”

No. 4:
Title: “Batchmates”
Synopsis: Two summa cum laude graduates from the Ateneo de Manila University were appointed to sensitive government posts. They were batchmates and friends from way back. They defended each other in legal battles. They were really that close. When male summa cum laude almost died after a heart surgery, female summa cum laude got so depressed. She eventually lost her mind and became a “babaeng grasa.” Male summa cum laude recovered. But when he discovered what happened to female summa cum laude, he himself sank into depression, lost his mind and became a “taong grasa.”

No. 3:
Title: “Abono”
Synopsis: A summa cum laude graduate from the Ateneo De Manila University robbed a government-owned bank and stashed away some 728 million pesos. He divided the loot among his friends – fellow thieves – who were running for elective posts that year. Hunted by authorities, he fled the country and worked in a fertilizer factory in Russia. Latest reports say his daily exposure to chemicals affected his health, specifically his brain. He eventually lost his mind and became a “lalaking grasa.”

No. 2:
Title: “Cellphone”
Synopsis: A summa cum laude graduate from the Assumption College became the country’s second highest-ranking government official. One day, she received a “magical cellphone” from the devil. The devil said she could use the cellphone to call anyone she wanted in order to win a hotly-contested presidential election. It turned out to be true! When the high-ranking female government official phoned an election official, her lead automatically ballooned to one million votes. She won the elections. However, the excitement brought about by the victory proved to be detrimental to her mental health. She eventually lost her sanity and became a “babaeng grasa.”

And the No. 1 proposed plot for the next episode of “Maalaala Mo Kaya”…

Title: “Rehas”
Synopsis: Ten convicts in the assassination of a former senator were granted executive clemency. The murdered senator’s high-profile daughter was deeply shocked by the decision of the president whom she supported during the elections. When she learned about the decision, she went into hysterics on national TV, convulsed live in front of the cameras, lost her sanity (which has always been unstable to begin with), and never recovered. She eventually became a “babaeng grasa.” By the way, that high-profile daughter? She was a summa cum laude graduate of the Ateneo De Manila University.

In Other News…

mancao Mancao To Tell All?
Former senior superintendent Cesar Mancao of the now defunct Presidential Anti-Organized Task Force (which was used to be headed by Panfilo Lacson) is reportedly coming home to reveal everything he knows about the Dacer-Corbito double murder case. Some people are worried though because Mancao is telling his story via ABS-CBN’s “Maalala Mo Kaya.”

Legacy Group
After testifying against Celso De Los Angeles, two former employees of the Legacy Group were not able to sleep for two nights. Yup, two nights. But that’s nothing compared to Panfilo Lacson who hasn’t slept for a week.

Jude’s Wife
According to tabloids, former presidential son Jude Estrada’s wife Rowena is pregnant. The Catholic Church is checking on the possibility that this could be the second case… only the second case of Immaculate Conception in the history of Christianity.

Eraserheads Concert
A few days before the first Eraserheads reunion concert, Ely Buendia’s mother died. A day before the second reunion concert, Ely Buendia’s good friend Francis died. Utang na loob, no more third reunion concert please!

francis Did She Really Say That?
“Kung mate-text n’yo po ngayon si Francis Magalona, ano’ng itetext n’yo?”
~ Saksi anchor Vicky Morales to Joey De Leon at the wake of Francis Magalona
(Heckler says: Ang dapat na tanong Vicky, ‘Kung mate-text n’yo po ngayon si Francis Magalona, ano po ang gagawin n’yo kapag bigla ‘siyang nag-reply?’)

Have a great weekend!

_________
“Research is formalized curiosity. It is poking and prying with a purpose.”
~Zora Neale Hurston

JUST GOT LUCKY

Lotto Draw
Tonight, a lucky super lotto bettor could win as much as 330 million pesos, the biggest lottery prize in Philippine history. And in case you’re wondering how it feels like to win such ginormous amount, just imagine a congressman winning three consecutive House terms.

Lotto Draw II
The biggest lottery prize in Philippine history is up for grabs tonight: a super lotto bettor could win as much as 330 million pesos! And in case you’re wondering how it feels like to win such ginormous amount, just imagine four DOJ prosecutors dismissing six drug-related charges against nine Alabang Boys.

Lotto Draw III
Tonight, a lucky super lotto bettor could win as much as 330 million pesos, the biggest lottery prize in Philippine history. And in case you’re wondering how it feels like to win such ginormous amount, imagine Jocjoc Bolante disbursing half of the controversial fertilizer funds.

Lotto Draw IV
The biggest lottery prize in Philippine history is up for grabs tonight: a super lotto bettor could win as much as 330 million pesos! And in case you’re wondering how it feels like to win such ginormous amount, imagine the Euro generals attending an Interpol conference in Russia 47 times.

Lotto Draw IV
Tonight, a lucky super lotto bettor could win as much as 330 million pesos, the biggest lottery prize in Philippine history. And in case you’re wondering how it feels like to win such ginormous amount, imagine E.C. De Luna Construction winning three World Bank-funded projects.

Lotto Draw V
The biggest lottery prize in Philippine history is up for grabs tonight: a super lotto bettor could win as much as 330 million pesos! And in case you’re wondering how it feels like to win such ginormous amount, imagine you’re the First Gentleman and you’re friends with Eduardo De Luna who won at least 22 World Bank-funded projects.

Lotto Draw VI
Later, a lucky super lotto bettor could win as much as 330 million pesos, the biggest lottery prize in history. And in case you’re wondering how it feels like to win such ginormous amount, imagine Dr. Hayden Kho the first time Dr. Vicki Belo said yes to him.

Lotto Draw VII
Tonight, a lucky super lotto bettor could win as much as 330 million pesos, the biggest lottery prize in Philippine history. NBN Channel 4 is also hoping to establish a new record – its highest television ratings in years.

Lotto Draw VIII
The biggest lottery prize in Philippine history is up for grabs tonight: a super lotto bettor could win as much as 330 million pesos! And in case you’re wondering how it feels like to win such ginormous amount, don’t just sit there! Go out and bet! (When I’m done with this blog post, I’ll gonna go out and buy a ticket!)

alma In Other News…
Ness Remarries
I guess you’ve heard the news. Parañaque City councilor Alma Moreno has remarried. She wed Marawi City mayor Sultan Fahad “Pre” Salic. From Mayor “Tsong” of Luzon to Mayor “Pre” of Mindanao. Believe me, Mayor “Tol” of Visayas is next.

belog Belo Sued
A US-based 50-year-old woman has sued well-known cosmetic surgeon Dr. Vicki Belo after her face became swollen following an alleged bungled cosmetic procedure… something that was not really surprising considering how Belo failed to perfect a similar procedure on her own face.

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__________
“I wasn’t lucky. I deserved it.”
~Margaret Thatcher

BAD

mikea1 The First Gentleman
First Gentleman Jose Miguel Arroyo finally broke his silence on his alleged involvement in the World Bank road projects controversy. In an exclusive chance interview with GMA News, Attorney Arroyo said, “Of course not. It’s not true. Hearsay lang ‘yan.” Again, that was Mr. Arroyo speaking… not Miriam Defensor-Santiago, not Juan Ponce Enrile, not Joker Arroyo. Mabuti na’ng malinaw.

In a chance interview with GMA 7’s Joseph Morong outside the St. Luke’s Medical Center, First Gentleman Jose Miguel Arroyo categorically denied his alleged involvement in the World Bank-funded road projects controversy. The reporter tried to obtain more info from Attorney Arroyo but his doctors had to intervene because every time the First Gentleman talks, his blood pressure shoots up, his skin turns pale, and his nose grows a centimeter longer.

GMA News was able to interview First Gentleman Jose Miguel Arroyo on his alleged involvement in the World Bank road projects mess. Attorney Arroyo admitted that he knew Eduardo De Luna of the blacklisted E.C. Construction Corporation. When the reporter asked how much he knew the guy, he replied, “Five percent.”

According to his lawyer Ruy Rondain, he is not sure whether First Gentleman Jose Miguel Arroyo’s doctors would allow him to attend the Senate hearing, but explained that Attorney Arroyo could play golf “because this is not stressful” – unless of course he overtakes the Pangandamans in the fairway.

GMA News was able to interview First Gentleman Jose Miguel Arroyo outside the St. Luke’s Medical Center yesterday. With all the allegations being hurled against him, Attorney Arroyo admitted that he was angry… but not as angry as ABS-CBN News boss Maria Ressa who refused to accept her reporter’s excuse why GMA 7 outscooped them.

gmadavos The Economy Is So Bad…
You’ve probably heard this. Electronics company Amkor Technology Inc. has laid off 1,500 workers from its two plants in Muntinlupa and Sta. Rosa. Also last week, Fujitsu Philippines confirmed it would lay off hundreds of workers from its disk manufacturing plants in Laguna and Batangas. The economy is so bad FedEx has closed its facility in Subic; Intel has closed its factory in Cavite, and Barack Obama has closed his doors on GMA.

The economy is so bad First Gentleman Mike Arroyo has agreed to lower his commission to 3 percent.

yusoph121 The economy is so bad newly-appointed Comelec commissioner Atty. Elias Yusoph cannot even buy a razor to shave.

The economy is so bad Celso De Los Angeles is now selling his soul to the devil just to settle his obligations.

The economy is so bad the devil declined due to bankruptcy.

The economy is so bad other DOJ prosecutors have started their own lending businesses.

alabang_boys3 The economy is so bad the Alabang Boys have switched from Ecstasy to Biogesic.

The economy is so bad Sen. Lito Lapid is riding a horse to the Senate.

The economy is so bad ABS-CBN cannot even send a reporter to St. Luke’s Hospital to interview Attorney Mike Arroyo.

The economy is so bad GMA 7 has to “steal” a song from Gary Granada.

The economy is so bad TV5’s resigned executive Christopher Sy actually earned thrice more than his network did last year.

below2 FedEx’s facility has closed. Intel’s facility has closed. The economy is so damn bad not even another surgery could stop Vicki Belo’s left eye from closing.

On second thought, the economy may not be that bad at all… because from being a “palengke person,” Mar Roxas is now a pharmacist.

legacy-2 The Legacy Group
The Bangko Sentral ng Pilipinas branded the Legacy Group of Companies owned by Celso de los Angeles as an organized syndicate, probably the second largest of its kind… next only to Philippine Congress.
_________

“Denial. It’s not just a river in Egypt. It’s a freakin’ ocean.”
~Dr. Meredith Grey, Grey’s Anatomy

HELLO, MIKE TEST

PBA09366rp8n

mikearr Top 5 Ways to Convince First Gentleman Jose Miguel Arroyo to Attend the Senate Hearing On the World Bank-funded Road Projects Controversy

5: The Ateneo Blue Babble Battalion, his alma mater’s pep squad will be there to cheer him on.

4: The Senate will sponsor a yearlong free medical check up at any hospital of his choice plus a lifetime supply of Imodium or Diatabs.

3: He will be asked only four questions and these are: (1) Is it the truth? (2) Is it fair to all concerned? (3) Will it build goodwill and better friendships? (4) Will it be beneficial to all concerned? Then he could leave the Senate.

2: The only senators who will be allowed to ask questions are Lito Lapid and Bong Revilla.

And the No. 1 way to convince First Gentleman Jose Miguel Arroyo to attend the Senate hearing on the World Bank-funded road projects controversy…

1: For every hour that he spends at the Senate, he gets 5 percent of each senator’s pork barrel allocation.

(Note: This post was featured on TV5’s The Evening News last February 9.)
______
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Have a productive week!

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