YOU’RE SO DEAD!


MOMENTS BEFORE he died, famous French grammarian Dominique Bouhours uttered: “I am about to – or I am going to – die: either expression is correct.” On his deathbed, Voltaire was asked by a priest to renounce Satan. The philosopher replied: “This is no time for making enemies.” And convicted murderer James French shouted this to members of the press who were to witness his execution by electric chair: “Hey, fellas! How about this for a headline for tomorrow’s paper? ‘French Fries’!”

In advance observance of All Saints Day, The Professional Heckler brings back ‘Famous Last Words’ – “predicted” deathbed statements of local political and entertainment figures. This is the 2010 edition of that ‘recurring’ blog article.

Their famous last words:

President Aquino: “Watch what happens… ”

President Aquino 2: ‘Walang wangwang. Walang counterflow. Walang tong. Walang… buhay.”

Interior Undersecretary Rico Puno: “Unless the President asks me to die, I won’t.”

Executive Secretary Paquito “Jojo” Ochoa Jr.: “Hik!”

Manila Vice Mayor Isko Moreno: “Esquierda na ‘ko!”

Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim: “Ayoko na! ‘Di ko na kaya ang karamdaman kong ito. Dalhin n’yo na ako sa Tondo!”

Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim 2: “Nagugutom ako.”

Atty. Edwin Lacierda: “I have no idea who leaked the information on my purported death but I assure you – the Communications Group had nothing to do with it. I promise to investigate the matter when I’ve fully recovered.”

Comelec Commissioner Gregorio Larrazabal: “Honestly. Orderly. Peacefully.” [When asked by the press how he wanted to die]

Antonio “Tony Boy” Cojuangco (to the press): “Who told you I am dying? I am not. Walang concrete evidence ‘yang source n’yo. You! Yes, you the reporter in blue, tell me, kung wala bang matibay na ebidensya ang source ng balita mo, irereport mo?”

Sen. Lito Lapid: “Zzzzzzzz.”

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago: “Ayoko na! Punong-puno na ako! Ayoko naaa!”

Former PAGASA Chief Dr. Prisco Nilo: “Ang temperatura ko ay maglalaro sa pagitan ng 30 at 37 degree Centigrade anim hanggang pitong oras matapos ‘kong pumanaw. Uulan ng luha at babaha ng kalungkutan. May manaka-nakang papuri mula sa ilang mga pulitiko. Magiging banayad naman ang reaksyon ng Pangulo. Ang araw ay sisikat sa inyo ngunit hindi na sa akin.”

Ilocos Sur Gov. Luis ‘Chavit’ Singson: “Ayoko! Hindi maaari! Set up ‘to! Set up!”

Outgoing ABS-CBN News & Current Affairs Chief, and Esquire magazine’s Sexiest Filipina Alive Maria Ressa: “I will not be renewing my contract with ‘life.’ It’s time for me to move on.”

RMN’s Erwin Tulfo: “Powtang-eyna naman!^5$@& Ayaw kow pang mamatey!”

RMN’s Michael Rogas: “Ito po ang live at special exclusive coverage ng aking kamatayan. Naririnig po tayo ngayon sa mahigit isandaang himpilan ng RMN nationwide!”

GMA 7’s Mel Tiangco: “Nakow! Ganito pala kapag huling minuto na ng buhay ng isang tao ‘no ha? Nakakatakot pala Mike! Pambihira ‘no ha!”

Valenzuela City Councilor Shalani Soledad: “No comment.”

And finally…
Kris Aquino (via Twitter): “RT @iamkrisaquino: guys, thanks for all your prayers. joshua and bimby are beside me now. i told them to be strong. grabe! bimby cried when i told him na i’ll gonna visit him every nite. hahaha then josh said, ‘mamu, you’re creepy.’ gosh, ganito pala ang feeling. kaloka!” #AlmostDead #KeriLang #Now Na!

In the news now:

More than 300 officers and enlisted men who took part in three failed power grabs were granted amnesty by President Aquino. When he heard the news, Sen. Panfilo Lacson started plotting a mutiny against the Aquino government.

The RH Bill Debate
The good news is: Cebu Archbishop Ricardo Cardinal Vidal has reportedly asked President Aquino to create a panel that will discuss the pros and cons of the Reproductive Health Bill. The bad news is: the panel’s recommendations will have to be reviewed by Executive Secretary Paquito Ochoa.

GMA News.TV reported that the Church is eyeing Facebook as another platform against the Reproductive Health Bill. If that happens, that page will likely set the record for the most number of clicks to the “Unlike” button.

Confused Congressman
Interviewed on GMA 7’s Reporter’s Notebook, Negros Occidental Rep. Jules Ledesma was asked if he’s gay. Ledesma answered, “I don’t know. Maybe! Maybe not.” Watching her partner on TV, Assunta da Rossi was like, “My God, did you just make me a lesbian?”

Esquire Says…

Outgoing ABS-CBN News and Current Affairs chief Maria Ressa has been named by Esquire magazine as the Sexiest Woman Alive for Philippines. Rumors say Ressa’s enemies in ABS-CBN will file a complaint against Esquire for baseless and biased reporting.


Belo on Immigration Cards
Reports say the face of cosmetic expert Vicki Belo replaced the image of President Aquino on immigration cards. Apparently, it was an advertisement for the Belo medical clinic. But critics wanted the cards recalled saying tourists might confuse the Philippines for Madame Tussauds.

Just weeks after incurring the ire of President Aquino, the Bureau of Immigration stirred yet another controversy by printing millions of the modified arrival and departure cards, this time with the face of cosmetic expert Vicky Belo. Immigration officials defended their action saying they actually chose between two advertisers: Vicki Belo and Ellen Lising. Sige, mamili kayo!
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“I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.”
~Bob Monkhouse

Enjoy the rest of the week!

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LAST WORDS

BEFORE HE TOOK his last breath, Theodore Roosevelt uttered, “Put out the light.” George Bernard Shaw murmured, “I want to sleep.” And shortly before his fatal car crash, James Dean was quoted to have said, “My fun days are over.” Locally, how could showbiz writers forget the infamous suicide note of ‘80s bold star Stella Strada? Her final words? “This is a crazy planets!” Here’s an updated version of my blog post last year titled…

Top 12 Last Words and Deathbed Statements of Local Celebrities

12: Bro. Mike Velarde: “Gagaleeeeng! Lalakas! Gagaleng! Lalak… uk…uk…ugh!”

11: Sen. Francis Pangilinan: “Hiwalay kung hiwalay!”

10: John Lapus: “Doc, totoo bang mamamatay na ako? Yes or No? Don’t Lie to Me!

9: Nora Aunor: (Hallucinating) “Ding ang bato! Ihagis mo sa akin ang bato!”

8: Sen. Manuel Villar: “Cynthia… sa araw ng aking libing, gusto ko idaan n’yo ang aking funeral procession… sa C5!”

7: Sen. Alan Peter Cayetano: “Arf! Arf! Arf!”

6: Sen. Jamby Madrigal: (While gasping for her last breath) “A-a-attorney, pppa-pakibago ng la-la-last will and tetes-testament ko. I have me-me-made a de-de-decision a-a-attorney. Nobody de-dedeserves to inherit my ma-ma-money except – for myself! Akin lahat ang mana!”

5: Joseph Estrada: “Hik!”

4: Ret. PNP comptroller Eliseo De La Paz: “Sweetheart, ‘yong makukulektang abuloy, paki-convert sa euro huh.”

3: Jocjoc Bolante: “I am prepared to face death… in the proper forum.”

2: Cong. Jose De Venecia: “I swear! This is it na talaga! I’m now ready to tell the truth no matter who gets hurt! May oras pa ba?” (And then he dies)

And the No. 1 last words and deathbed statement of local celebrities…

1: President Arroyo: (in her deathbed, when doctors asked how she felt) “My respiratory fundamentals are very strong. I have become more resilient amid the global health crisis. I will survive this.”

See also: Deathbed Declarations of Contemporary Politicians and Celebrities

Here Comes the Bribe, er Bride

Reports say Luli Arroyo will wed her banker boyfriend next year.

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Never take life too seriously; after all, no one gets out of it alive.
— Elbert Hubbard