LET THERE BE LIGHT

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Light Bulb Jokes: Pinoy Version

How many senators does it take to change a light bulb?
Fourteen. One to change it, and 13 to keep the ladder steady.

How many senate presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
Nobody knows. Senate presidents don’t last as long as light bulbs.

How many Filipinos does it take to change a light bulb?
Five hundred thousand to 1 million. But that was during Cardinal Sin’s time. Today, few people notice the burnt out bulb.

How many Malacañang officials does it take to change a light bulb?
What change? Its bulb life is until 2010. Let it expire!

How many presidential contenders from the opposition does it take to change a light bulb?
None. If more than one wanted to change it, Erap will just do it himself.

How many members of the House committee on justice does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends. How much?

How many press secretaries does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one. But he needs a lot of prayers to ensure the thing will work beyond its bulb life.

How many Arroyos does it take to change a light bulb?
It doesn’t matter. Light bulb or none, they refuse to see the light.

How many De Venecias does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One: a son to bid for a change in light bulb, and the other, a father to lobby for his son’s bid.

How many Villars does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Which one? There are two identical light bulbs.

How many Lacsons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to shoot the old bulb out, and one to screw the new one in.

How many Madrigals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They don’t have light bulbs. They have chandeliers.

How many Madrigal scions does it take to screw in a light bulb?
There’s no way you could force them to change a light bulb together.

How many Miriam Defensor-Santiagos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one. As long as the extent of space between the lower and upper interior surface of the room is proportionally manageable vis-à-vis the distance from the base of the phalanges to the cranium.

How many Jejomar Binays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Don’t be too negative. Darkness per se is not bad.

How many Jocjoc Bolantes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but he needs to undergo a series of check up first.

How many Lito Lapids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Huh? What’s a light bulb?

How many Bong Revillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. Bong Revilla will screw anything.

How many ZTE-NBN deal witnesses does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one. But he needs the support of the La Salle Brothers to accomplish it.

How many Meralco executives does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will just pass the task to its customers.

How many euro generals does it take to change a light bulb?
Eight. Seven to change it, and one to take all the blame if the light bulb fails.

How many NPA rebels does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to buy the bulb from the store, one to screw it in, and another to collect revolutionary tax from the storeowner.

How many gay congressmen and senators does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They’d rather stay in the dark.

How many El Shaddai members does it take to change a light bulb?
Don’t bother. Yahweh will change it.

How many Iglesia ni Cristo members does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten percent.

How many Villaraza Cruz Marcelo & Angangco, or ACCRA lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?

How many Caltex, Petron, and Shell executives does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They prefer screwing all of us!

How many President Arroyos does it take to change a light bulb?
At least four. (Just to make sure she’ll reach the ceiling.)

Enjoy your three-day break!

REALITY SHOWS

De La Paz: Mea Culpa
Retired PNP comptroller Eliseo De La Paz appeared before the Senate Saturday and took full responsibility for the infamous Moscow incident. De La Paz says “it is a lapse on my part.” From requesting and approving 10 million pesos, to carrying the huge amount to Russia, to not declaring the said amount, to issuing conflicting statements as to the money’s real purpose – everything was his fault. In fact, De La Paz was too willing to take all the blame, he almost owned up to the fertilizer fund scam.

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago said De La Paz’s refusal to tell the truth and reveal the role of his superiors in the fund mess was a blow to the country’s efforts to get rid of corruption. And an even bigger blow to her planned revenge on Ronaldo Puno.

Obama’s Mother-in-Law
Reports say US President-elect Barack Obama is moving into the White House with his family including his mother-in-law. Yup, his mother-in-law. No Philippine president has ever done that… although Joseph Estrada did plan to bring one to Malacañang. He just couldn’t decide which one.

BF’s Posters
Reports say militants vandalized MMDA Chairman Bayani Fernando’s posters in Quezon City. They put a G between BAYA and NI… incurring the ire of actress Susan Roces.

Inspired by BF’s Win
After Bayani Fernando’s half-expected win on “Celebrity Duets,” more and more politicians are rumored to be joining (some were invited) reality competitions:
Jinggoy Estrada on “Scare Tactics”
Lito Lapid on “Average Joe”
Jamby Madrigal will try to pull off a Paris Hilton in the local version of “The Simple Life.”
– Retired PNP comptroller Eliseo De La Paz is reviewing for “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?”
President Arroyo, Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez, Loren Legarda, Jamby Madrigal, and the wife of Eliseo De La Paz will be featured on “Girls Behaving Badly.”
Tessie Aquino-Oreta is training hard now for “Dancing With the Stars.”
Noynoy Aquino might do “The Bachelor.”
John Osmeña might do “The Bachelorette.”
Jose De Venecia was actually invited to be a contestant on “The Biggest Loser.”
And finally, Ping Lacson has reportedly bought a new gun in preparation for his stint on “Kakasa Ka ba sa Grade 5?”

Have a great week ahead!

_________
Few people have the imagination for reality.
~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

SCANDALICIOUS

Postscript to the Senate Probe
Senators found it particularly unbelievable and incredible that Jocjoc Bolante alone (as he claimed) could have caused the release of P728 million. The Senate has ordered a thorough review of Bolante’s appointment papers. They wanted to make sure he was appointed “undersecretary” and not “president.”

Journalists observed how cool Jocjoc Bolante was when he appeared before the Senate. Still, he was no match for Jinggoy Estrada who was in his usual “saksakan ng hangin” element during the hearing.

Guess who came at the Bolante hearing? Jun Lozada. Yup, the favorite witness of the La Salle community was even caught by tv cameras smiling. You know why? Because three more months with the La Salle Brothers, and he’ll be allowed to officiate his first mass.

Top 5 Reasons Why It Took Some Time Before Retired PNP Director for Comptrollership Eliseo De La Paz Could Surrender to the Senate

5: His wife has just finished hiding vital pieces of evidence: the Louis Vuittons, Pradas, Dolce & Gabbanas, and Manolo Blahniks she purchased during the Moscow shopping spree.

4: He waited for another scandal to break open so the public would forget about the “Euro generals.” Unfortunately though, the only controversy that broke out after the “Moscow mess” was the dismissal of Cristy Fermin from “The Buzz.”

3: It took weeks before his superiors at the PNP & the DILG could decide whether to use the term “cash advance,” “contingency fund” or “intelligence fund” during the next hearing. Finally, they settled for… “bahala ka na.”

2. For weeks, he “wished” he had chest pains, esophagitis, gastritis, ulcers, and even a sleeping disorder but doctors at the St. Luke’s Medical Center repeatedly said, “No sir, you’re totally healthy. We cannot admit you.”

And the No. 1 reason why it took some time before retired PNP comptroller Eliseo De La Paz could surrender to the Senate…

1: He had to wait for the Senate hearing on Jocjoc Bolante to conclude. And after watching the proceedings, he realized, “If Jocjoc survived Jinggoy, I will survive Miriam.”

________
And nobody lies as much as the indignant do.
–Friedrich Nietzsche

WHO CARES?


Palin and the Prankster
US vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin fell victim to a prank caller who identified himself as French president Nicolas Sarkozy. After six minutes of phone conversation, Palin became suspicious that it was not the French leader she was talking to when the person on the other line began asking, “Would you like to lead by one million? ‘Yong dagdag. ‘Yong dagdag.”

Filipinos on US Polls
A Social Weather Stations survey showed that 3 out of 4 Filipinos don’t care who wins in the 2008 US presidential election. But 3 out of 4 survey respondents do care who wins between Nadia Montenegro and Cristy Fermin.

JDV Signs Complaint
After weeks of dilly-dallying, Cong. Jose De Venecia has finally endorsed the impeachment complaint filed by his son against President Arroyo. A Social Weather Stations survey showed that 3 out of 4 Filipinos don’t care. Period.

Bolante’s Condition
Reports say several tests conducted on former agriculture undersecretary Jocjoc Bolante revealed the presence of multiple gastric ulcers, esophagitis and erosive gastritis – a relatively new medical condition collectively known as “whaaatever!”

Angara on Movies
Saying Filipinos need “psychological and cultural entertainment” in times of despair, Sen. Edgardo Angara asked the film industry to come up with “artistic and creative” projects. Rising to Angara’s challenge, the film industry has tapped Jocjoc Bolante for a series of acting workshops.

Upright Cabinet Members
Former senator and Marcos trade minister Vicente Paterno said the only “upright” Cabinet members were Social Welfare Secretary Esperanza Cabral and Defense Secretary Gilbert Teodoro. Cabral said the observation was “flattering.” Teodoro said it was “inspiring.” Justice Secretary Raul Gonzales said it was “seditious.”

“Euro Generals”
After closing its investigation on the case of the “euro generals,” the Philippine National Police sent the case to the Office of the Ombudsman – the government agency that conducts “probes to nowhere.”

Who’s Your Daddy?
Nasty rumors say an actor-senator is the real father of young actress Jennylyn Mercado’s baby. It’s difficult to identify the father though because the Senate has 23 actors.

_________
The price of apathy towards public affairs is to be ruled by evil men.
–Plato

ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED IN PHILIPPINE POLITICS

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A WEEK AFTER the February 2006 standoff at the Marines headquarters in Fort Bonifacio and the succeeding raid at the Daily Tribune office, I came up with a list of 20+ things I learned from those recent events in Philippine politics. The Philippine Daily Inquirer published the list albeit trimmed to 18, while People’s Journal (lifting the same list from the PDI) printed it as an editorial the next day.

Home alone on a quiet All Souls Day, I opted to create a rather serious post today. Enjoy reading, and let’s continue heckling this week!

Some of the things I’ve learned from recent events in politics and government:

You are poor. You are a suspected thief. You get locked up.
You are rich. You are a suspected thief. You get a check up.

A contingency fund, a cash advance, and an intelligence fund. They are one and the same.

If you’re a police general and you couldn’t attend an Interpol conference abroad, send your wife instead.

Catholic bishops and nuns – the staunchest critics of the proposed bill to curb population explosion do not actually contribute to population growth.

Impeachment is a numbers game. Winners usually take home a seven–figure jackpot.

History tells us that it takes decades to build states and nations. Today, it only takes a MOA to create one.

When an economic adviser calls her president a “bitch,” something is wrong with the adviser. If he doesn’t get fired, something is wrong with the president.

Double budget insertions are perfectly legal. Unless discovered.

The surest way to get appointed in a government post is to lose in a national election.

When an executive clemency is granted shortly before midnight on a Friday, better check on the list of convicts to be released. You might be in for a surprise.

Relatives of murder victims who oppose the granting of an executive clemency to a murder convict must learn how to swim first before they appeal their case to the Justice secretary..

There are only two genuine groups of oppositionists in the country: the Communist Party of the Philippines, and ABS-CBN.

And thanks to the Commission on Human Rights, I have learned that when a suspected NPA or Moro rebel is tortured, that’s human rights violation. When a government soldier is killed by the suspected NPA or Moro rebel, that’s life.

Have a great week ahead!

Elsewhere…
Did Luchi Cruz-Valdez resign from ABS-CBN?
__________
Irony is an insult conveyed in the form of a compliment..
Edwin Percy Whipple

ALIBIS


The “Euro Generals” Controversy
First, retired PNP director for comptrollership Eliseo De La Paz said the 6.9 million pesos worth of undeclared cash he was caught carrying in Moscow was “a cash advance.” DILG Sec. Ronaldo Puno then claimed it was part of the PNP delegation’s “contingency fund.” Came the Senate hearing last Thursday where PNP Director General Jesus Versoza denied having knowledge of both the source and purpose of the money. A day later though, Versoza was saying it was actually intended for the purchase of intelligence equipment. That doesn’t stop there though. Exclusive! The Professional Heckler has obtained a copy of Puno and Versoza’s prepared joint statements on the Moscow mess to be released daily for the rest of the week:
Monday: “One of the generals’ wives has cancer and the money was for her surgery. How could you be so heartless people? Understand her situation.”

Tuesday: “Remember the recent report about an unidentified Davaoeño who won the 130 million peso-jackpot in super lotto? That’s actually him! Oo, si De La Paz ‘yon! The money’s part of the windfall.”

Wednesday: “The media got it all wrong. It’s their flawed story that’s to blame. Yes, De La Paz was carrying cash but it’s not 105,000 euro. It’s actually 105,000 Japanese yen. That’s a measly 54 thousand 603 pesos.”

Thursday: “The money was planted by Communist sympathizers in Moscow. Definitely, a black propaganda diabolically designed by the CPP-NPA against the military.”

Friday: “Generals in Moscow? What the hell are you talking about? They did not leave the country!”

The “Euro Generals” II
The Senate committee on foreign relations has found the Philippine delegation to the 77th Interpol Assembly in Russia guilty. That was perhaps the fastest Senate probe yet. The only thing faster was PNP Chief Versoza’s change of statements.

JDV and Impeachment
Cong. Jose De Venecia repeatedly refused to endorse his son, Jose “Joey” De Venecia III’s impeachment complaint against President Arroyo because of delicadeza. On Saturday however, October 25, he held a press conference to announce his endorsement of the complaint because his “conscience” got the better of him. In other words, nakunsensya siya. Hindi pala niya kayang magpanggap na meron s’yang delicadeza.

JDV and Impeachment II
Days ago, Cong. Jose De Venecia said no, he wouldn’t endorse the impeachment complaint against President Arroyo. Today, De Venecia is saying yes, he’s endorsing it. If JDV didn’t run for congress, he’ll be the perfect PNP chief.

Niño Muhlach on Liezel Martinez
Actor Niño Muhlach has confirmed rumors his first cousin Liezel Martinez has breast cancer. Niño expressed confidence she will overcome the disease. The former child wonder also mentioned his closeness to his Ate Liezel saying they have so many things in common. Just like now, Liezel is under medication; Niño is on drugs.

__________
If one cannot invent a really convincing lie, it is often better to stick to the truth.
– Angela Thirkell

ETHICAL

NTC vs. ABS-CBN
For airing an interview with wanted MILF leader Kumander Bravo, the National Telecommunications Commission filed a complaint to the KBP against ABS-CBN. The NTC says the network violated the KBP’s Broadcast Code of 2007 particularly the provision that states, “”broadcast facilities shall not be used or allowed to be used for advocating the overthrow of government by force or violence,” and “the broadcast of materials which tend to incite treason, rebellion, sedition or create civil disorder or disturbance is prohibited.” This marks the first time NTC officials filed such a complaint against ABS-CBN… which could only mean one thing: they haven’t actually listened to DZMM’s “Tambalang Failon and Sanchez.”

NTC vs. ABS-CBN II
The NTC filed a complaint to the KBP against ABS-CBN for airing an interview with rogue MILF leader Kumander Bravo who is wanted by the military. But ABS-CBN News head Maria Ressa insists that the Kumander Bravo interview is a legitimate and ethical story and that ABS-CBN will not suspend the airing of his interviews… unless he starts talking about Nadia Montenegro’s love life.

NTC vs. ABS-CBN III
ABS-CBN successfully located and interviewed rogue MILF commander Bravo who has a 10 million-peso bounty on his head and is wanted by the Armed Forces of the Philippines. Outraged military officials who watched the interview vowed to intensify the info gathering and massive manhunt for Bravo in the Lanao Provinces, and soon at the ABS-CBN newsroom.

Meralco’s Power Rate Hike
Amid difficult times, the Lopez-owned Manila Electric Company or Meralco implemented a 36 percent power rate increase. Militant leader Rafael Mariano described the increase as “deceitful.” Cong. Mikey Arroyo believed it was “unjustified.” ABS-CBN News said it was “legitimate and ethical.”

“Euro Generals” Controversy
Retired Philippine National Police director for comptrollership Eliseo De La Paz underwent normal arrival procedures at the NAIA when he arrived Tuesday. Airport manager Angel Atutubo said De La Paz was not treated as a VIP and not a single marshal was assigned to escort him. Atutubo was understandably being careful… because the last time he escorted someone out of the airport, the La Salle Brothers accused him of kidnapping!

“Euro Generals” Controversy II
This has yet to be confirmed but retired PNP director for comptrollership Eliseo De La Paz will reportedly bring to the Senate what’s left of the undeclared 6.9 million pesos cash he was caught carrying in Moscow. To be sure it’s the real stuff, Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago wanted to hire canines to sniff out the money. But Sen. Panfilo Lacson said there’s no need for a K9 unit… as long as Senators Alan Peter and Joker Arroyo are there.

“Euro Generals” Controversy III
Retired PNP director for comptrollership Eliseo De La Paz and DILG Sec. Ronaldo Puno have conflicting claims with regard to the 6.9 million pesos worth of undeclared cash De La Paz carried while in Russia. De La Paz said the money was a “cash advance” while Puno claimed it was a “contingency” fund. But De La Paz’ wife, Maria Fe who traveled with him to Russia said, “I couldn’t really tell whether it was a cash advance or a contingency fund because when my husband handed me the money, he just said, “Sweetheart, ingatan mo ‘to… pang-shopping!”

Jocjoc to be Deported
US authorities will deport former agriculture undersecretary Jocjoc Bolante before the end of October. But Bolante’s legal counsel Ira Azulay refused to reveal the exact return date saying, “We’re concerned about his safety.” That’s actually a valid concern… because if he gets “kidnapped” when he arrives at the NAIA, he cannot expect support from the La Salle Brothers. He’s Atenean.

Jocjoc to be Deported 2
Lawyer Harry Roque is all over the news again announcing with certainty that former agriculture undersecretary Jocjoc Bolante will be deported in 24 hours. I know for a fact that Roque’s a UP professor (and I admire him) but I didn’t know he’s with the US Department of Homeland Security.

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Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
– Plato