NI HAO!

1 09 2011

The President in China
IN BEIJING, President Aquino and Chinese President Hu Jintao witnessed the signing of nine cooperation agreements covering a range of issues from economic to cultural and friendly ties to gagging Edwin Lacierda if necessary.

Traditionally, both leaders would exchange gifts from their respective countries. But since President Aquino brought something from the Philippines, which was later discovered to be “Made in China,” they decided to skip that tradition.

During his meeting with Chinese President Hu Jintao, President Aquino raised the issue of the Spratlys. And Edwin Lacierda raised his voice but was nonetheless pacified.

The two leaders’ discussion on the disputed islands lasted only five minutes – including the translation, and President Aquino’s coughing.

A memorandum of agreement on sports cooperation was also signed… with the Chinese government allowing the Philippines extended “use” of one of China’s own in international competitions – Chris Dy Tiu.

Reports say China-Philippines trade amounted to $27.7 billion in 2010, making China the country’s third largest trade partner. To which Joey Salceda said, “Chos!”

Filipino-Chinese businessmen are currently in Beijing with President Aquino. While in China, the President will trace the roots of his mother, Cory… while Lance Gokongwei will trace the roots of his sister Robina’s twin snake.

Chinese officials said they would tour the entire Philippine delegation to the Great Wall of China. When Foreign Affairs Secretary Albert Del Rosario heard this, he immediately thought of Emperor Shih Huang-ti. Businessman Lucio Tan recalled the reign of the Ming Dynasty. And President Aquino remembered those awesome scenes in “The Karate Kid 2.”

Lovelife
In a speech before the Filipino community in Beijing, President Aquino compared his lovelife to a brand of carbonated soft drink. He said, “Parang Coca Cola; noong araw regular, naging light, ngayon zero.” No wonder, his sex life is so much like San Miguel. You know, Super Dry.

According to President Aquino, his lovelife is like Coca Cola. “Noong araw regular, naging light, ngayon zero.” Never mind what other people would say Mr President. “Obey your thirst!”

Tabloid reports say it was a year ago in September when President Aquino and Valenzuela City Councilor Shalani Soledad split. If rumors are true, Shalani is organizing a party to celebrate the first anniversary of the break up.

In Other News…
President Aquino has named marketing and advertising executive Ramon Jimenez Jr. as new tourism secretary. Some sectors are keeping mum on his appointment until he unveils his tourism campaign slogan.

Overseas…
US President Obama has allocated financial aid for hurricane-ravaged counties in New Jersey. “Irene” was the worst disaster to hit New Jersey in recent years next only to Snooki.

Alaska=Cone
The PBA’s Alaska Milk has let go of head coach Tim Cone. Cone was quick to deny though his departure had something to do with the alleged missing 2000 containers of milk.
———————————————————————————————–
“Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie’ until you can find a rock.”
~Will Rogers

Elsewhere
Philippine Daily Inquirer: How my sons lost their Tagalog, Sulat kay James Soriano

You Have Spoken
Sa artikulo ni James Soriano on the Filipino language…
-Opinyon n’ya ‘yon. Igalang natin. 28.37%
-Arogante! 55.81%
-Hindi ko pa nababasa. 15.81%

Enjoy the rest of the week! Merry Christmas!

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HOLY STORMS!

26 05 2011


Narito ang updated na talaan ng mga bagyong pumasok, papasok o kasalukuyang nasa loob ng Pilipinas:

Bagyong Mar Roxas
Inaasahang papasok sa Philippine area of responsibility sa darating na Hunyo. Nangangamba ang marami sa posibleng pagsasalubong nila ng Bagyong Jojo Ochoa. Maaari daw itong magdulot ng dobleng peligro sa bansa.

Bagyong Jojo Ochoa
Tahimik lamang ang bagyong ito ngunit malalaman mong paparating na siya dahil pasuray-suray ang pagtahak niya sa kanyang dinadaanan.

Bagyong Edwin Lacierda
Matapos manalanta, sinisi niya ang forecast ng PAGASA. Mali-mali daw ang facts at figures na inilalabas ng weather bureau.

Bagyong Leila De Lima
Napakatapang na bagyo. Matatalim na kidlat at kulog ang dala ngunit walang gaanong ulan kaya’t minimal ang pinsala. May isang obserbasyon nga lang ang mga kritiko ng Bagyong Leila: kung saan-saang lugar daw siya pumapasok.

Bagyong Panfilo Lacson
Kahit moderno na ang instrumento ng pamahalaan, nahirapan pa rin silang ma-detect ang galaw ng bagyong ito. Hanggang ngayon, palaisipan pa rin kung sang bahagi ng mundo siya nagmula.

Bagyong Manny Pacquiao
“Jeremiah 23:19 Narito, ang bagyo ng Panginoon, ang kaniyang kapusukan, ay lumabas, oo, ipu-ipong bagyo: babagsak sa ulo ng masama.” You know.

Bagyong Mommy Dionisia
Pinapayuhang mag-ingat ‘yong malaswa, ‘yong mga taong malaswaaaaa!

Bagyong Juan Ponce Enrile
Pinakamatagal sa puwesto; hindi gumagalaw. Dumaan na ang iba pang sama ng panahon, nananalasa pa rin siya.

Bagyong Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo
Siyam na taong nanalanta sa Pilipinas. Hanggang ngayon, hindi pa tuluyang nakakabangon ang bansa sa pinsalang kanyang idinulot.

Bagyong Tingting Cojuangco
Nabigla ang mga weather forecasters sa ikinilos kamakailan ng sosyal na bagyong ito. Matapos manalanta sa Central Luzon noong early 1990s, nagpaparamdam ito ngayon sa dakong Mindanao bilang isang weather disturbance. Gayunman, wala pang katiyakan kung siya ay magiging ganap na bagyo.

Bagyong Imelda Marcos
Dekada sesenta pa nang ito ay unang manalasa sa bansa. Libu-libo ang nasawi, nasugatan, at hanggang ngayon ay nawawala dahil sa kanyang bagsik. Inalis na ang kanyang pangalan sa opisyal na talaan ng mga bagyo ngunit sa ‘di maipaliwanag na pangyayari, matagumpay siyang nakabalik at patuloy pa rin sa pananalasa.

Bagyong Ernesto Diokno
Matapos magdulot ng pinsala, tumanggi siyang akuin ang responsibilidad at ipinasa ito sa mas mahihinang bagyo. Sinisi rin niya ang mga nagdaang sama ng panahon. Bagamat bahagyang humina, nananatili pa rin ito sa puwesto dahil malakas daw ang kapit kay Lord.

Bagyong Antonio Leviste
Ang inisyal na forecast ay stationary lamang ito ngunit marami ang nagulat nang ma-detect siya ng ABS-CBN News Weather Bueau sa dakong Makati at Maynila. Iniimbestigahan na ang mga awtoridad sa kabiguan nilang ma-monitor ang galaw ni Bagyong Leviste.

Bagyong Manny V. Pangilinan
Mayaman sa ulan at hangin. Tuwing kumukulog at kumikidlat, nawawalan ng signal ang Globe!

Bagyong CBCP
Matagal-tagal na rin ang ginagawa nitong pananalanta sa Pilipinas. Sa tuwing magrereklamo ang mga tao sa dala niyang pinsala, nagbabanta ito ng walang tigil na pag-ulan at pagbaha upang lipulin ang “masasama.”

Bagyong Jejomar Binay
Napanatili nito ang maximum strength na sinimulang ipunin noong 1986. Lalo pang tumindi ang kanyang gustiness after 2010. Bagamat matindi ang dulot na pinsala, hindi ito gaanong napapansin dahil marami din namang natulungan ang dala niyang ulan. Matapos tumama sa Kamaynilaan, nakatutok naman ang mata ng Bagyong Binay sa mas malawak at mas matinding pananalanta sa iba’t ibang panig ng bansa sa 2016.

Bagyong Noynoy Aquino
Tuwid na direksyon ang tinatahak ng bagyong ito ngunit napakabagal at may katamaran. Tanghali na kung ito ay kumilos kaya’t inaabot nang madaling araw ang pananalanta. Walang gaanong ulan ngunit malakas ang hanging bumabayo kaya’t binansagan din itong ‘tuyot na bagyo.’
—————————————————
“Life is like a rainbow. You need both the sun and the rain to make its colors appear.”
~Author Unknown

Today’s Forecast in Sports
“The Miami Heat will beat the Dallas Mavericks in June. They will be crowned 2010-2011 NBA champs and LeBron James will finally receive his first ever championship ring.” — American Christian radio broadcaster and preacher Harold Camping

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A YEAR AGO

10 05 2011


Today is May 10, 2011. Exactly a year ago, the Philippines held its first ever automated elections. Everything has been on the upswing after that: the level of optimism, the flagdown rate for taxicabs, the fare for jeeps, the cost of fuel, the prices of basic commodities, and President Aquino’s net worth.


Anniversary
Today is the anniversary of the historic first-ever automated elections in the Philippines… or as Manny Villar, Mar Roxas, Loren Legarda, and Joseph Estrada would probably say, “babang-luksa.”

Today marks the first anniversary of the May 10, 2010 automated elections. It’s been a year… and Mar Roxas has yet to concede.

Remember the May 10, 2010 elections? It happened exactly a year ago. Remember the candidate you voted for president who promised he’d make your life easier? Me neither.

Mar’s Return
Reports say defeated vice presidential candidate Mar Roxas will be appointed to a Cabinet position similar to a presidential chief of staff… or as members of the Balay Group would say but couldn’t, “Executive Secretary-in-waiting.”

Presidential spokesman Edwin Lacierda admits he doesn’t know yet the exact job description of Mar Roxas. Among other things.

Apparently, Malacañang will be creating a new post to accommodate former Senator Mar Roxas… one year after he applied for the vacant post of vice president, and the electorate said, “We’ll just call you.”

Top 5 Rejected Job Descriptions of ex-Senator Mar Roxas

No. 5: Presidential Adviser on Heart-Related Matters

No. 4: Executive Secretary II: Weekends Only

No. 3: Chief Presidential BFF

No. 2: Vice President for Balay Concerns

And the No. 1 rejected job description of ex-Senator Mar Roxas…

First Lady

LRT/MRT Fare
The government deferred the proposed increase in train fares. Transportation Secretary Jose de Jesus said the timing was not good for a fare hike. Prices of basic commodities are rising and the President’s approval rating is plummeting.

Salceda Mad
President Aquino’s ally and former Arroyo economic adviser, Albay Governor Joey Salceda is blaming PAGASA for faulty weather forecast. Apparently, Salceda’s complaint has yet to reach President Aquino. Otherwise, PAGASA Acting Administrator Nathaniel Servando would be looking for a job in Australia right now.

Abu Members Caught
Two members of the Abu Sayyaf terror group have been arrested in Metro Manila. And President Aquino was like, “When is the SWS’ next survey?

One of the arrested members of the Abu Sayyaf Group was actually working as a security guard for the posh, multimillion-peso Pacific Tower Plaza… located at Abbottabad, Taguig City.

Another wanted member of the Abu Sayyaf Group was caught while on a date at Robinson’s Place in Ermita, Manila. The suspect’s date was his girlfriend No. 8.

Public Service
Are you looking for a job? Search no further. Al-Qaeda has just announced a vacancy.
——————————————————–
“Leadership is action, not position.”
~Donald H. McGannon

You Have Spoken
Manny Pacquiao: “I will wear yellow gloves as a symbol of unity, unity against poverty.” Your take:
– Mabuhay ka! Kasama mo ako sa labang ‘yan. 19.67%
– What the hell are you talking about? How? 67.54%
– No comment. 12.79%

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BASTED

27 11 2010

ARE YOU familiar with Liz Uy? Yup, Liz Uy, the personal stylist of President Noynoy Aquino, and just recently, the ex-almost future First Girlfriend.

Reliable sources say President Aquino was not successful in winning the heart of his personal stylist Liz Uy. Even the endorsement of Kris Aquino and Boy Abunda failed to deliver this time.


Top 12 Messages Left on President Noynoy Aquino’s Answering Machine

No. 12: “Hello ‘tol, si Jojo Ochoa ‘to. Hindi pa katapusan ng mundo! Tara, inom tayo!”

No. 11: “Hi Noy! Krissy here! Gosh! Boy and I we’re just talking about you and Liz. ‘Yun na ba ‘yun?!? You’re so hina talaga! Nakakainis! Ay, wait… Bimby’s making ubos na naman a can of Nido eh. Pinapapak talaga niya. Aha-ha-ha! He’s so PG like his dada. Will call you again in a minute. Gosh, Biiiiiimby… enough na!”

No. 10: “P’re, si Rico E. Puno ‘to. Narinig ko na ang balita. Alam mo p’re, when you’re down and troubled, and you need a helping hand. And nothing, nothing is going right. Close your eyes and THINK of me and soon I will be there to brighten up even your darkest nights. Mas dark pare, mas okay. Take care, ‘cause I care… pare!”

No. 9: “Hillow? Numiro ba itu ni Prisidinti? Kaya mu ‘yan mahal na pangulu! Aku nga, ilang bisis ring binastid ni Jinkee bagu ku napa-uu. Piro, kung gustu mu talagang makuha ang isang babai, una sa lahat pasalamat ka muna sa Panginuun. Kung wala siya, wala ka rin sa mundu. Tapus, pasalamat ka sa supurta ng taung bayan. Kung ‘di ka nila ibinutu, ‘di mu makikilala si Lez. ‘Yun lang ang advice ko. Basta, kip preying, at makakatagpu ka rin ng babaing para sa ‘yu! Ooops, tika, anu ‘yang kamira sa harapan ku?!? Sus ginuu! Nariyan ka pala Dyan Castilliju. ‘Kala ku si Nanay Dionisia! Pastilan!”

No. 8: “Hi Sir! Mai Mislang here. I know, I know! The feeling sucks, right?”

No. 7: “Hello Noy. Si Koring ‘to! Yes, Koring, may iba pa ba? Hi-hi-hi. Sinubukan ko lang ‘tong bagong phone ni Mar. ‘Di ko naman alam na sa ‘yo pala ang last dialed number. How are you na? Long time no hear ah. Okay naman ako. Heto, balik sa trono. Ooops, erase-erase-erase. Siyanga pala, I heard may ‘di kagandahang nangyari between ‘yo and the stylist. After all these years, ‘di ka pa ba nasanay?! Ooops, erase-erase-erase!”

No. 6: “Hello? Ish thish Noynoy’sh anshwering maschine? Oh, how are you iho? I’m shorry huh for meddling in your pershonal life. Pero what’sh thish I heard that you’re blaming me and my adminishtrashion for your lacklushter and imaginary affairsh of the heart? That’sh sho unfair! Ishtop! Okay? Let’sh move on. At katulad ng paulit-ulit na advice sha akin ng aking ama, do what ish right, do what ish best, and Mike Arroyo will take care of the rest. I mean, God will take care of the resht. I am shorry.”

No. 5: “Hi Noy. Si Krissy ulit to. You make kwento na kasi! What happened ba? Why do I keep reading the word “basted” on Twitter? Gosh! ‘Di ba I told you na allergic si Liz sa secondhand smoke? Siguro nag-yosi ka na naman in front of her. Hay naku! You’re so matigas ang ulo kasi! Basta next time… Biiiiimby! Ano baaaaa?! Tigilan mo na ‘yang Nido!”

No. 4: “Hello Mistel Plesident. Donald Tsang koling. Bakit ikaw ‘di sagot akyen tawag? Dalawa ulit ako tawag lagi machine answer. Sabi machine “Sorry, da numbel you dial is in a meeting.” Ako inis ulit pero ako understand iyo situation. Tawag ako iyo kasi bigay ako numbel 1 tip para babae sagot ka yes. Ikaw iwash smile para babae isip ikaw mystelious. Dapat ikaw pa-mystelious epek. Oki? ‘Yun lang. Jīng cháng lián xì a！”

No. 3: “Noy? Hello po! Tinest ko lang po kung active pa ‘tong number mo. Mukhang active pa nga. Sige po, idi-delete ko na. Oo nga pala, naka-box na po ‘yong mga regalo mo sa ‘king figurines, mugs at stuffed toys from Blue Magic. Plano ko sanang itapon kaya lang baka gusto mong ipamigay sa staff mo. Paki-pick na lang po sa bahay namin sa Valenzuela sa Monday, holiday naman. Salamat po.”

No. 2: “Hello and good morning Mr. President! Attorney Edwin Lacierda here. I just would like to inform you that I have received your personal memo. Ricky and Manolo are in the process of fine-tuning your love letter to Ms. Uy. We’re very sorry it was released prematurely. And we’re doubly sorry that the half-baked message was obtained and reported by ANC. I have ordered an investigation to determine the source of the leak. Nevertheless, at the end of the day, it’s still Liz Uy who has the final say.”

And the No.1 message left on President Aquino’s answering machine…

“Hi Noy! Si Mar ‘to! Lakasan mo ang iyong loob bro. And don’t worry, matatagpuan mo rin ang babaeng para sa ‘yo. Minsan nga, ‘yong ‘di mo inaasahan ang siya pang dumarating. Tingnan mo ako: who would have thought na darating ang araw na magiging misis ko ang ex-girlfriend mo? That’s the magic of love ‘tol. Oh, by the way, did you see Shalani on Willing Willie last night? ‘T*ng-ina pare, Naka-sleeveless! Sumiseksi pare! Syet! Awrrr!”

IN OTHER NEWS…

After failing to secure a TRO against the airing of Willie Revillame’s new show, ABS-CBN has filed a PhP127 million copyright infringement case versus ‘Willing Willie’ and TV5 for allegedly copying ‘Wowowee.’ Next week, ABS-CBN will file another case against the TV host and TV5 for ‘copying’ TV Patrol’s “idea” of hiring an ex-girlfriend of the president.

ABS-CBN has accused Willie Revillame and TV5 of plagiarism. Revillame retorted, “Willing Willie, as an entertainment show is a form of art. Sa arts, ang plagiarism ay accepted practice!”

According to the complaint, TV5’s airing of Willing Willie has caused and continues to cause irreparable damage to ABS-CBN… specifically, to TV Patrol.

Animal Lover
Two counts of violation of The Animal Welfare Act were filed against a 33-year-old farmer in Naujan, Oriental Mindoro after he allegedly raped a pet dog twice this month. The farmer categorically denied the accusation saying he was a loyal husband… to his carabao.

Reports say the 33-year-old farmer in Naujan, Oriental Mindoro who was charged for allegedly sexually assaulting a pet dog had previously raped a pig! The farmer vehemently denied the allegation saying he was a victim of black propaganda concocted by a disgruntled ex-flame, a hen.
——————————————-
♪♪ “It takes some time
God knows how long ♪♪
I know that I can forget you ♪♪
♪ As soon as my heart stops breakin’
Anticipating ♪ ♪
♪As soon as forever is through ♪♪
I’ll be over you”♪♪
~Toto, I’ll Be Over You

Survey Says
On the resignation of Tourism undersecretary Enteng Romano:
– Dapat lang! Palpak eh! 47.12%
– Isang kapuri-puring hakbang! Mabuhay ka! 41.81%
– Sino siya? Anong balita? 11.06%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

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A Conversation with the President: Exclusive!

10 09 2010

On Thursday, September 9, 2010, President Noynoy Aquino answered questions from a panel of news anchors representing the country’s three biggest networks: Mel Tiangco for GMA 7, Ted Failon for ABS-CBN, and Paolo Bediones for TV5.


After the no holds barred interview, The Professional Heckler requested for an exclusive, more honest, one-on-one “follow up” conversation with the Chief Executive. Here are some unedited excerpts:

The Professional Heckler (TPH): Mahal na Pangulo, magandang hapon po.
President Noynoy Aquino (PNA): Magandang hapon naman. Sino ka nga ulit? Pasensya na, hindi kasi sure ‘yong aide ko kung sino ka at para saan ang panayam na ito.
TPH: Gano’n po ba? Talagang consistent ang aide na ‘yan ah.
PNA: May sinasabi ka?
TPH: Wala po. Ang sabi ko po, isa akong blogger at pinayagan ako ng head ng Communications Group n’yo na makausap kayo nang one-on-one.
PNA: Talaga? Sino sa kanila? Tatlo ‘yon eh.
TPH: ‘Yon pong taga-Balay Group.
PNA: Ah si Attorney Lacierda!
TPH: Hindi po. ‘Yong dating broadcaster na nakaka-tweet ko bago siya nabigyan ng puwesto sa gobyerno.
PNA: Ahhhhhhhh, okay. Bakit? Hindi na ba siya nagtu-tweet ngayon?
TPH: ‘Pansin ko lang po, hindi na masyado. Pero minsan, nagdi-direct message na lang sa Twitter. Parang careful na po yata.
PNA: I see. Sige, basta bilisan na lang natin huh. You have 10 minutes. May pupuntahan pa ko eh.

TPH: Unang isyu po mahal na Pangulo: kanina, tinanong kayo kung may paksyon-paksyon sa gabinete. Ang sabi n’yo wala. Ang tanong ko po: sino ang nag-advise sa inyo na ganyan ang isagot n’yo: ang Balay Group o ang Samar Group?
PNA: Actually pareho, este, I mean… wala. Wala ngang paksyon ‘di ba? So walang nag-advise sa akin.
TPH: Pero iba po ang nakikita namin. Halimbawa, dalawa ang head ng inyong Communications Group. Coloma sa kanan, Carandang sa kaliwa. May Lacierda pa sa gitna. ‘Tapos, minsan magkakaiba ang kanilang sinasabi. Ang DILG naman, tila hinati sa DI at sa LG… may Robredo sa taas, may Puno sa baba. Hindi po ba magulo?!
PNA: Hindi mo kasi naiintindihan dahil hindi ikaw ang nasa puwesto! ‘Di ba nga may kasabihan tayo, “Many hands make light work.”
TPH: Pero mahal na Pangulo, “Too many cooks spoil the broth.”
PNA: Hindi rin eh. Kasi nga, “Two heads are better than one.”
TPH: Ok, fine! So, whose heads will roll?
PNA: Ba’t naman napunta do’n ang usapan?
TPH: Kasi ‘yon po ang ugat ng isyu eh – ang kapalpakan sa hostage crisis. So sinong sisibakin n’yo?
PNA: Masyado ka namang atat. Siguro ‘Edcel’ ang pangalan mo!? O baka naman ‘Lagman’ ang iyong apelyido!? Hintayin muna natin ang final report ni Secretary De Lima.


TPH: Kanina po sa panel interview, you categorically stated na hindi n’yo na iniintindi kung mataas o mababa man ang trust rating o tiwala sa inyo ng publiko. Ang tanong: ‘Di nga?!?
PNA: Huh?
TPH: Ire-rephrase ko po ang tanong: noong panahon ng kampanya, halos ibandera n’yo ang resulta ng bawat survey partikular ang mataas n’yong trust rating. Pero ngayon, sabi n’yo hindi n’yo na gaanong iniintindi ang mga surveys. Sino po ang nagturo sa inyo na maging ipokrito?
PNA: Ilang minuto nga ang interview na ito?
TPH: Sige po. ‘Wag n’yo na lang sagutin.

TPH: Pangatlong isyu po. Sabi n’yo, wala ni isa man sa miyembro ng inyong gabinete ang na-appoint bilang pagtanaw ng utang na loob sa kanilang naging ambag sa inyong kandidatura. Ang tanong: Owws?
PNA: Off the record puwede?
TPH: Sige po.
PNA: Do you really expect me to admit on live television na nagbabayad-utang ako sa ilang cabinet appointees? Konting common sense naman ‘tol. Kahit naman yata sinong presidente ang tanungin mo, hindi aamin! Pero, siyempre factor ‘yon. In all fairness though to my cabinet appointees, highly qualified silang lahat.

TPH: How will you describe Secretary Jesse Robredo in one word?
PNA: Puwedeng four?
TPH: Three!
PNA: Sige. Ramon Magsaysay Awardee.
TPH: Sobrang safe naman ng answer n’yo. In hindsight po ba, would you have appointed Vice President Binay as DILG chief instead of him?
PNA: Off the record ulit puwede?
TPH: Sure!
PNA: Matagal na panahon kong pinag-isipan ang bagay na ‘yan. Naipit ako sa dalawang nag-uumpugang bato eh. ‘Yung sinasabi mong Balay group, mapilit para kay Robredo. Siyempre, popular, awardee. Pero ‘yong kabilang kampo, nangungulit rin. So para everybody happy, nag-suggest ako: ang local government, kay Robredo; ang kapulisan, kay Puno.
TPH: Eh biglang nagka-hostage crisis…
PNA: Eh biglang nagka-hostage crisis… off the record please! Ayun! Na-obvious tuloy ang hatian ng puwesto! ‘Pag mamalasin ka nga naman, oo! Hayyy!

TPH: Pag-usapan naman natin ang inyong Little President. Ang tanong ko po mahal na Pangulo: meron ba?
PNA: What do you mean? Siyempre, meron! Andiyan lang siya. To be fair, I’ve known Jojo Ochoa since our Ateneo days. Tahimik na tao talaga ‘yan! Maingay lang ‘yan kapag nakakainom.
TPH: ‘Yon po sana ang gusto kong itanong. Dalawang beses na kasing lumalabas sa Newsbreak ang isyu ng pagiging lasenggo ng Executive Secretary n’yo. Ang latest, nakita raw siya sa lobby ng isang hotel na nakasalampak dahil sa kalasingan.
PNA: Nakasalampak?!? That’s absolutely baseless! To be fair, I’ve known Jojo Ochoa since our Ateneo days. Kahit lasing na lasing ‘yan, maayos na umuupo ‘yan! Kaya ‘yong balitang nakasalampak siya? I seriously doubt it!
TPH: Pero inaamin n’yo pong umiinom siya?
PNA: To be fair, I’ve known Jojo Ochoa since our Ateneo days. Kung umiinom man siya, occasionally. Nagkataon lang na sunud-sunod ang okasyon lately. Kaya ‘yon, sunud-sunod rin siguro ang inom.

TPH: Sa inyong panel interview kanina, tinanong kayo about former PAGASA Chief Prisco Nilo at napansin kong tila malaki ang galit n’yo sa kanya. In fact, sinabi n’yong may “propaganda arm” si Dr. Nilo. Apparently, nasa kanya ang simpatya ng media at publiko ngayon. Ang tanong ko po: kung nananalo ang “propaganda arm” ni Prisco Nilo laban sa “propaganda arm” ng mga taong nagsulsol sa inyo upang sibakin siya, why not?
PNA: Gusto ko lang linawin okay, wala akong galit sa puny3+@*%ang$3* Prisco Nilo na yan%#%12^@@% okay? And to be fair, I’ve known Jojo Ochoa since our Ateneo days. Kahit bayaw niya ang DOST secretary, hindi siya ang nagsulsol upang palitan si Prisco Nilo! Palpak lang talaga ang forecast niya! Ni hindi nga niya na-forecast na masisibak siya sa puwesto ‘no! Basta, palpak siya! At inuulit ko: wala akong galit %#@$0)^ sa kanya%#@^9)!

TPH: Ang puso n’yo! Easy lang po mahal na Pangulo, okay? Heto na lang ang mas light na question. Kayo po ba ni Councilor Shalani Soledad ay nag-date na sa Emerald Garden Restaurant?
PNA: You make me blush.
TPH: Hahaha! Seryosong tanong po ‘yan.
PNA: Hmmm, siguro four to five times na. In fact, some of the most memorable moments namin together, nangyari sa Emerald.
TPH: But after the August 23 hostage crisis, sa tingin n’yo babalik pa kayo roon?
PNA: Oo naman!
TPH: You mean, magdi-date pa rin kayo ni Shalani sa Emerald kahit may masamang memories ng naganap na hostage?
PNA: Yeah! Because, I’m a hostage of love.
TPH: Awwwr!

TPH: Alam po ng lahat na mahusay kayo sa paghawak ng baril. Puwede ho bang malaman kung kailan kayo huling nagpaputok?
PNA: You make me blush again.
TPH: Seryoso po ‘yong tanong ko.
PNA: Hmmm, last Saturday lang.
TPH: Gaano ba kayo kadalas magpaputok?
PNA: Kada Sabado.
TPH: Enjoy ba kayo?
PNA: ‘Yon nga lang ang libangan natin eh. Siyempre, kahit papa’ano, nakakalimutan ko ang aking mga problema.

PNA: Puwede bang two to three questions na lang? Mali-late na ‘ko eh.
TPH: Sige po! Ayon sa ilang palace insiders na nakausap ni Sandra Aguinaldo ng GMA News, divided raw ang members ng Cabinet n’yo sa desisyong humarap kayo sa isang media panel. Bakit n’yo nga ba naisipan ang nasabing no holds barred interview?
PNA: Off the record… just imagine kung ang haharap sa panel ay ang tatlong spokesman ng palasyo. Sa tingin mo ba magtatagal ang aking gobyerno kapag silang tatlo ang pinagsalita ko? Six years ang termino ko, six years! Hindi 100 days!

TPH: Reaksyon lang po sa impeachment complaint against Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez na ayon sa House committee on justice ay “sufficient in form and substance.”
PNA: Iginagalang ko ang separation ng kapangyarihan ng ehekutibo at lehislatibo. Trabaho nila ‘yon; may sinusunod silang proseso, hayaan natin sila. Bilang Pangulo, hindi ako dapat nakikialam. Sanga pala, kung nababasa ito ngayon ng mga miyembro ng House justice committee, I have two words for you: ‘Keep it up!’

TPH: Dumako naman po tayo sa isang maliit na bagay na posibleng ilan lamang ang nakapansin. Bago po naganap ang hostage crisis, ito po ang default pic sa inyong Facebook account…

TPH: Nang magalit ang mga Hong Kong nationals… ito naman ang inyong ginamit na default pic:

TPH: Pero nang bumisita ako kanina, ito na ulit ang aking nakita:

TPH: Pati po ba sa Facebook, may paksyon din?
PNA: Nang-aasar ka?!?
TPH: Ang ibig ko pong sabihin: ang default Facebook photo po ba ninyo ay nakabatay sa inyong mood for the week?
PNA: Alam mo, ayaw ko nang palakihin pa ang isang trivial na bagay. Besides, off the record huh… ni hindi ko nga alam ang password sa Facebook account ko, paano ko mapapalitan ang default pic? Common sense ulit ‘tol!


TPH: Maiba naman po ako, kumusta na po si Kris? Ano pong advice ang ibinibigay n’yo ngayong may pinagdaraanan sila ni James Yap?
PNA: Wala. Sa palagay ko naman, nasa tamang edad na siya para magpasya.
TPH: Pero nasa tamang pag-iisip naman po ba?
PNA: ‘Yan ang magandang tanong! Pero hayaan na natin ang aking kapatid. Ang problema niya… isang lalaki. Ang problema ko… isang bansa! Sa tingin mo, alin ang dapat kong unahin?
TPH: Kereeeek! May tama ka!


TPH: Bago po ako tuluyang magpaalam, may ‘pinapatanong lang po ang isa kong Twitter follower: Bakit daw po sina Mel Tiangco, Ted Failon, at Paolo Bediones ang nagtanong sa inyo? Bakit hindi raw po sina Maria Ressa, Jessica Soho, at Luchi Cruz-Valdez?
PNA: Pati ba naman ‘yan, gagawan n’yo pa ng intriga? That, for me is a non-issue. Kahit sino pa man ang nagtanong, que sina RG Cruz, Mark Salazar o Jove Francisco pa ‘yan, ang mahalaga, malinaw ang aking mga naging sagot at well-represented ang tatlong henerasyon ng mga mamamahayag sa panel.
TPH: Dahil d’yan, Mr. President… may nagteeeeexxxt! “I totally resent that observation! Yours truly, Tita Mel”
PNA: Hahaha! No comment na lang.

TPH: Pahabol pong tanong: malapit na po ang finals ng UAAP. Fearless forecast: Ateneo o La Salle?
PNA: ‘Tinatanong pa ba ‘yan? Siyempre, UP!
TPH: Nang-aasar po kayo?!
PNA: Huh? Bakit? ‘Di ba UAAP cheerdance ang itinatanong mo?
TPH: Basketball po.
PNA: Ahhhh, wala. Bilang Pangulo, dapat nasa gitna ako. Dapat wala akong kinikilingan at wala akong pinapanigan. Sa aking pamahalaan, bawal ang paksyon! Walang paksyon! At hinding-hindi magkakaroon ng paksyon!

(The President’s phone rings…)
PNA: Hello?
Male Voice: Sir, remind ko lang po ‘yong party sa Balay mamaya. Invited daw po kayo.
PNA: Gano’n ba? Pakisabi, mali-late ako. May salu-salo din kasi sa Samar. Naunang nag-invite ‘yon eh. Bye.

TPH: One final question, Mr. President.
PNA: Go ahead!
TPH: Boxers or briefs?
PNA: You make me blush.

End of Interview.
——————-
“A basic tenet of a healthy democracy is open dialogue and transparency.”
~Peter Fenn

Survey Says
Hindi siya kasama sa listahan ng mga opisyales na ipakukumpirma ng palasyo sa Commission on Appointments. Kung ikaw si Sec. Jesse Robredo, ano ang gagawin mo?
– Wala lang! Tuloy ang trabaho. 33.87%
– Bastusan na! I will resign. 59.91%
– Wala akong pakialam! 6.22%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Personal
UP will probably close its UAAP season with a 0-14 win-loss card on Saturday, September 10. Allow me to share the recent Facebook status of Fighting Maroon Martin Reyes:
“The game on saturday will be played with nothing but heart. It will be for God, my family, friends, teammates, coaches, classmates and most especially for the University of the Philippines. It has been one helluva ride and i would not trade MAROON for any other color…. salamat UP”

Good luck to the UP Pep Squad on Sunday! UP Fight!
2010 UAAP-Samsung Cheerdance Competition (Sunday, September 12): Order of Performance: UE, UST, DLSU, ADMU, FEU, UP, AdU and NU

Enjoy your weekend!

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APPOINTMENTS

15 08 2010

The Ex-President
Former president Joseph Estrada was rushed to the hospital Sunday afternoon because of profuse nose bleeding. The nosebleed happened when he tried watching “Inception” on video.

The TV Host
Breaking News! Kris Aquino’s new game show ‘Pilipinas Win na Win’ is being clobbered in the nationwide ratings game by its rival, ‘Eat Bulaga.’ To reclaim viewership, Kris is suggesting a special segment similar to the classic “Pera o Bayong” and “Kuwarta o Kahon.” It will be called “Shares of Stock o Land Distribution.”

The Palace Spokesman
Last Friday, the Supreme Court stopped the Bureau of Internal Revenue from imposing a 12 percent value-added tax on toll rates. The Professional Heckler tried to get Malacañang’s side on the issue but spokesman Edwin Lacierda was reportedly busy… blaming the Arroyo government.

The DOST Chief
Palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda insisted that no one lobbied for the appointment of DOST Secretary Mario Montejo. Lacierda said Montejo was “more than qualified” for the position; an expert inventor in the field of water filtration technology, and a brother-in-law of the executive secretary.

The Weatherman
PAGASA officer-in-charge Dr. Graciano Yumul rejected the claim of his predecessors that PAGASA’s weather satellites and other apparatus were outdated. In making that statement, Yumul hoped to clarify wrong notions about the agency; underscore the forecasting capability of the weather bureau, and justify yet again the sacking of Dr. Prisco Nilo.

The Eye Specialist
President Noynoy Aquino has recently appointed his optometrist to the Professional Regulation Commission-Board of Optometry. Last year, former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo drew flak for appointing her manicurist to the board of PAG-IBIG Fund. This tradition is widely-believed to have started when former president Fidel Ramos appointed his gardener… First Lady.

The Driver
According to reports, Kris Aquino’s driver violated the law by double parking outside the ABS-CBN compound in Quezon City last Friday. The unidentified driver who did not follow the traffic rule used to work for Vice President Jejomar Binay.
—————————–
“Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.”
~Confucius

Survey Says
Should ABS-CBN let go of Willie Revillame?
-YES. Hindi siya kawalan. 29%
-NO! Turuan ng leksyon. Buruhin ang career! 52%
-Wala akong pakialam! 19%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.


Briefly Noted
Did you catch 24 Oras’ exclusive interview with Willie Revillame last Friday, August 13? What’s happening Ms Jessica Soho? Has Revillame become that nationally significant for you to waste almost 10 minutes of airtime? Wow. Shall we brace ourselves for more shocking announcements soon? Holy Papi Batman!

Briefly Noted, Too
Lest you forget Mr. President…
[Screen cap of a news item on ABS-CBNNews.com]

Fast forward to August 2010. BIR Commissioner Kim Henares: “I will defend the 12 percent VAT on toll even in Plaza Miranda no matter what it takes.” Mga TAXil!

Have a productive week ahead!


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BAD WEATHER

7 08 2010


ALMOST A MONTH after devastating the archipelago, typhoon Basyang returned to the Philippine area of responsibility last Friday but not as strong. In fact, there’s only one reported casualty. He was identified as Prisco Nilo!

President Noynoy Aquino has fired PAGASA chief administrator Prisco Nilo. In sacking the weather bureau chief, Aquino said, “He should have taken seriously the fact that they were way off the mark!” Dahil diyan… may nag-teeexxt! “Dear Mr. President, Perfect ka raw!”

Some reports say PAGASA chief Prisco Nilo was fired because of “repeated mistakes” – which makes us wonder why Edwin Lacierda is still there.

President Noynoy Aquino has fired PAGASA chief Prisco Nilo. Critics of the president are accusing him, yet again, of favoring ABS-CBN. This, after rumors circulated that Prisco Nilo would be replaced by Kuya Kim (Atienza).

Reports say President Aquino has fired PAGASA chief Prisco Nilo for the failure of the weather bureau to predict the track of typhoon Basyang last July. The surprising decision has alarmed some Liberal Party stalwarts who predicted that Aquino’s alter ego, Mar Roxas was on track to becoming vice president.


Bahay Pangarap
For the first time since he assumed office, President Aquino spent the night at Bahay Pangarap last Thursday. As reported by GMANews.TV, the President “had to adjust to his new room, his new bed, and even to the unfamiliar position of the light switches.” The place was really new to him. In fact, he almost blew his top Thursday night when he couldn’t locate his PSP.

https://i0.wp.com/nmgonzales.com/images/profile/neptali.jpg Shocked Solon
House Majority Leader Neptali Gonzales II was reportedly shocked by a COA report showing the ginormous paychecks, perks and bonuses enjoyed by top executives of government corporations. All along, Gonzales thought greed and excess were a monopoly of congressmen.


So Dead: Ivan Padilla
Carjack gang leader Ivan Padilla was killed in a shootout with policemen before dawn last August 2 in Makati City. He died shortly after a magical bullet took the form of human hands and strangled him to death.

Reports say the shootout between Padilla’s group and the Makati City police happened between 4 and 5 am. However, it took almost another hour before the police could rush Padilla to the hospital because ABS-CBN News’ exclusive interview wasn’t over yet.

ABS-CBN News was the first TV crew to arrive ot the scene of the shootout between Ivan Padilla and Makati City cops… prompting palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda to issue a statement denying he had leaked the network advance information about the operation.

Ivan Padilla’s mother is a convicted drug trafficker who was sentenced to life in prison. Ivan himself is reportedly a drug user. To sustain his habit, he turned to carjacking. And now he’s dead. Geez, I didn’t see that coming!

In Sports…
The UP Fighting Maroons led by as much as 22 points against the NU Bulldogs Saturday only to lose by four. The Maroons thus finished Round 1 of the UAAP cage wars with a 0-7 win-loss slate… making it the frontrunner in this year’s UAAP Consistency Award.
———————–
“A hasty judgment is a first step to recantation.”
~Publilius Syrus

Survey Says
Pabor ba kayong palawigin to 12 years ang 10-year basic education sa bansa?
– SURE. Para lalong mahasa ang utak ng mga mag-aaral. 54%
– NO. Gastos ‘yan. Pahirap sa magulang. 38%
– Pag-iisipan ko muna. 8%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.


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GOVERNMENT STATION

31 07 2010


FOR THE SECOND time in less than a week and the third time in a month, broadcast network ABS-CBN was reportedly given preferential treatment by Malacañang. Four days after the network allegedly received an advance copy of President Aquino’s SONA, the Philippine Daily Inquirer said palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda broke the news “about Memorandum Circular No. 2 not in the government-run National Broadcasting Network as protocol demanded, but in the privately owned ABS-CBN.” The Malacañang Press Corps (MPC) is now investigating reports Lacierda’s application for the position of “Breaking News Correspondent” has been approved by Maria Ressa.

Breaking News! Unconfirmed reports say ABS-CBN News and Current Affairs head Maria Ressa has decided to pull out the network’s reporters from Malacañang. Edwin Lacierda and Ricky Carandang are already in the palace; Ressa believes that’s redundancy.

The Malacañang Press Corps (MPC) is protesting the alleged bias of Malacañang towards ABS-CBN. Members of the MPC felt they’ve had enough when palace spokespersons ended a recent press briefing with the line, “Salamat sa inyong pagdalo. Kami ang Communications Group ng Pangulo… naglilingkod sa inyo saan man sa mundo!”

For the second time in a month, palace spokesperson Edwin Lacierda apologized to the Malacañang Press Corps for breaking an important piece of information to the privately-owned ABS-CBN network. Lacierda issued the apology on ANC.

SONA Leak
Palace spokesperson Edwin Lacierda says Malacañang is now investigating reports that an advance copy of President Aquino’s State of the Nation Address was given to ABS-CBN last Monday. Lacierda said the probe would be as transparent as possible. In fact, the public will have a chance to see the actual investigation… on ABS-CBN’s XXX.

Palace spokesperson Edwin Lacierda said “I don’t know how ABS was able to get a copy (but) I can very well vouch for the fact that although Ricky Carandang is a former employee of ABS, he did not in any way leak it to ABS because I was with him the whole time” to which former ANC host Manolo Quezon said, “Eh bakit nakatingin ka sa ‘kin?”

Spokespersons
The Communications Group of President Aquino will soon have three spokespersons: Herminio ‘Sonny’ Coloma, Edwin Lacierda, and Ricky Carandang – one for dzMM, another for ABS-CBN, and a third for ANC.

Survey Says…
Are palace communicators (e.g. Edwin Lacierda) biased towards ABS-CBN?
A: Mismo! – 25%
B: Obvious naman ‘di ba? – 25%
C: Is water liquid? – 25%
D: Okay lang. Kebs! – 25%

This is our new survey. But no need to vote. This is a biased poll. The results have been leaked to ABS-CBN even before they’re posted here.

This just in: Rumors say the Philippine Lotto Draw will soon air on ABS-CBN! Wohoo!
———————
“I think perfect objectivity is an unrealistic goal; fairness, however, is not.”
~Michael Pollan

Enjoy your weekend!

Personal Faves
SRO (Suhestyon, Reaksyon at Opinyon) with Lynda Jumilla and Alvin Elchico nightly on dzMM after TV Patrol and Strictly Politics with Pia Hontiveros, Tuesdays@7:30 PM on ANC.


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COMMUNICATORS

29 07 2010


Communications Group
President Aquino’s much-ballyhooed Communications Group will have two leaders – broadcast journalist Ricky Carandang and columnist Herminio Coloma. In appointing two heads, the President hopes to clearly relay his message to the public; draw feedback from them, and silence the warring factions in his government.

SONA Leak
Some palace reporters believe somebody in Malacañang gave ABS-CBN an advance copy of President Aquino’s speech last Monday. According to the Inquirer, ABS-CBN’s Facebook account posted a copy of the President’s speech even before he could finish his SONA. In another news dismissed by ABS-CBN as totally irrelevant, Ricky Carandang and Ces Drilon have been voted as News & Public Affairs’ most beautiful couple.

SONA Leak II
Reports say a copy of President Aquino’s SONA was leaked to ABS-CBN last Monday… something that’s not surprising since ABS-CBN is a government station.

Three Spokesmen
The President will soon have three spokespersons: Herminio Coloma, Edwin Lacierda, and Ricky Carandang. One to create the message; another to fine-tune it, and a third to leak it.

THIS JUST IN! Unverified reports say the Communications Group will soon produce a TV show for President Noynoy Aquino. The program will be similar to Mrs. Arroyo’s “The Working President.” It will be called, “The Shooting President.”


NFA & Rice
Angelito Banayo, the new administrator of the National Food Authority said the agency’s recent inventory showed there are no rotten rice stocks in its warehouses. But another inventory showed there still are rotten officials left in NFA offices.

NFA & Rice II
Assuring that the country has sufficient rice stocks up to the end of the year, NFA administrator Lito Banayo said, “Naliligo po kami sa bigas” – to which MWSS executives said, “Wala kayo sa amin. Naliligo kami sa bonuses.”


Pacquiao’s Speech
In his first privilege speech as a member of Congress, Sarangani Rep. Manny Pacquiao quoted a line from the Hollywood film “Spiderman,” ring announcer Michael Buffer, and American poet Robert Frost. And everyone agreed – his speech was more shocking than the president’s.

Pacquiao’s Speech II
In flawless English, Sarangani Rep. Manny Pacquiao delivered Tuesday his first ever privilege speech. Pacquiao was interrupted at least five times by applause, and thrice to look up a word in the dictionary.

Accurate Polls
According to random manual audit conducted by the National Statistics Office, results of the May 10 automated elections were 99.6 percent accurate, or as former senator Mar Roxas would insist, “It’s 0.4 percent wrong!”

Announcement
Are you a drug user who plans to travel abroad? Do you carry 26.1 grams of cocaine and two tablets of diazepam? Worry no more! NAIA security will never detect you!

Rumors say some friends of Ilocos Sur Rep. Ronald Singson who is still languishing in a Hong Kong correctional facility want him to get treatment when he is released. Nope, not the type offered by NAIA; not special treatment.

Top 5 Sayings for Ilocos Sur Rep. Ronald Singson

No. 5: Hindi lahat ng kumikinang ay foil.

No. 4: Aanhin pa ang damo kung cocaine na ang uso

No. 3: Batu-bato sa langit, ang tamaan ay addict!

No. 2: Ang lumalakad nang matulin, may ‘tinatagong cocaine

And the No 1. saying for Ilocos Sur Rep. Ronald Singson…

To err is human, to sniff is divine.

Makati Condo Problem
Do you still remember the gas leak at the West Tower condominium in Barangay Bangkal, Makati City? At press time, investigators have yet to identify the source of the leak… although Ricky Carandang is now a suspect.
————–
“We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.”
~Epictetus

Survey Says…
Were you shocked by President Aquino’s State of the Nation Address?
– Oo naman! Shocking talaga! 31%
– Sus! Anong shocking do’n? 57%
– I didn’t hear it. Walang TV sa office. Hmpf! 12%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Have a safe weekend everyone!

DO NOT follow me on Twitter. You’ve been warned!


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SHOCK

25 07 2010


PRESIDENT NOYNOY AQUINO says his State of the Nation Address will “shock” Filipinos… a majority of whom have yet to recover from the shock of his victory.

President Aquino warned that his SONA would “shock” every Filipino… except for Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo and her former cabinet.

Presidential Communications Group member Ricky Carandang says President Aquino’s SONA will be 20-minute long… or even longer, depending on Mrs. Arroyo’s threshold for shame.

President Aquino said the first draft of his speech was 24 pages long, single-spaced and with a font size of 16 points. He also used his favorite font, Comic Sans.

The first State of the Nation Address of President Aquino will be in Filipino. The original plan was to write it in English… but President Aquino complained he couldn’t find a direct English translation for “wangwang.”

According to President Aquino, the fifth draft of his speech is down to 15 pages, and would probably take 30 minutes to read… or maybe 40, if they push through with the initial plan of including a cigarette break.

Ricky Carandang was quoted to have said that the initial draft of President Aquino’s speech reached 30 pages. And that’s just for his acknowledgment of the presence of all Abads in government!

President Aquino’s speech on Monday will reportedly focus on two things: the good intentions of the Aquino government, and the evils of the Arroyo administration. I wouldn’t be surprised if Conrado De Quiros was consulted by Aquino’s speechwriters.

Palace spokesperson Edwin Lacierda says President Aquino’s SONA will expose anomalies in the Arroyo administration. In fact, the President himself said his speech would contain at least five “discoveries” he made when he assumed office… which makes me wonder, why the need for a Truth Commission when the Communications Group is doing the same job?

President Aquino says his speech on Monday is down to 15 pages. The President is all praises for his pool of writers. You know, it’s not easy to write a 15-page speech based on a nine-year long material.

Busted: Tomorrow, Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo won’t be present in Congress’ joint session even if it’s her first term. Also expected to not show up is Ilocos Sur Rep. Ronald Singson who has started another term – a jail term.

Top 10 Rejected State of the Nation Address (SONA) Opening Lines

No. 10: “Let us offer a minute of silence for the souls of those lawmakers who cannot be with us this afternoon.”

No. 9: “Sa lahat ng nangungulit at nagtatanong, sa Biyernes pa po ang dating ni Kris.”

No. 8: “Mar, pare, I know you’re watching. Miss you ‘tol!”

No. 7: “Kay Senador Antonio Trillanes IV, ipinapangako ko, sa aking susunod na SONA, kasama ka na namin dito.”

No. 6: “We are 30 minutes ahead of schedule. It’s only 3:30. Kaya mga kaibigan, would you please welcome, ang aking idolo… Mr. Noel Cabangon!”

No. 5: “Guard, make sure na hindi makakalapit si Sharon Cuneta kay Senator Sotto.”

No. 4: “Ang hindi papalakpak, babawasan ang pork barrel!”

No. 3: “Lahat ng dumalo ngayong hapong ito ay mag-uuwi ng Chicken McNuggets meal courtesy of Pagcor!’

No. 2: “After ng aking SONA, walang street party, walang free concert, walang budget!”

And the No. 1 rejected State of the Nation Address opening line…

“Magandang balita mga kababayan! Natukoy na po ang may kasalanan sa kakulangan ng tubig sa Angat Dam; sa nag-leak na gasolina sa West Tower condominium sa Makati City, at sa hiwalayang James Yap at Kris Aquino. Walang iba kundi ang dating pangulo, si Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo!”
———————-
“Promises are like babies: easy to make, hard to deliver.”
~Author Unknown

Breaking News!
Senator Francis ”Kiko” Pangilinan has withdrawn his bid for the presidency of the Senate. The LP senator said quitting is the best way to ensure unity among senators. It’s also the easiest way to save face.

Sen. Francis Pangilinan has withdrawn his bid for the Senate presidency. Even his party, the Liberal Party has reportedly conceded to Senator Enrile. The only person that has yet to concede is Sharon Cuneta.

Chavit Says
Ilocos Sur Governor Luis “Chavit” Singson told ABS-CBN News his son Ronald, a congressman could have been influenced (“nasulsulan”) to using drugs particularly cocaine resulting in his July 11 arrest in Hong Kong. Nasulsulan? Ronald is 41 years old. He’s a congressman. Nasulsulan? Dalawa lang ‘yan. Either he’s a drug user… or tanga.

Survey Says
Your take on the Comelec’s decision allowing Mikey Arroyo to sit as a member of Congress:
-Fair naman. Naaayon sa batas. 6%
-Lokohan na ‘to! Maling-mali ang desisyon na ‘yan! 87%
-Wala akong pakialam. 7%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Have a great week ahead. See you in Congress!


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TOO BIG A PROBLEM?

22 07 2010


PRESIDENT NOYNOY AQUINO has met with his Cabinet twice to discuss his State of the Nation Address on Monday. Do you still remember his “walang wangwang, walang tong, walang counterflow” statement during his inaugural? Well, rumors say there will be similar declarations in his SONA, e.g. “Walang kaso (Trillanes), walang hinto (media killings), walang tubig.”

Executive Secretary Paquito Ochoa says President Aquino will not use any gimmicks in his SONA, unlike former President Arroyo, who used three poor children to dramatize the problems of the country. Instead, Aquino’s SONA will be more optimistic. To underscore the importance of hardwork and loyalty, he’ll use the four Abads in government.

Unconfirmed reports say the president will deliver a 25-minute speech. The first half of the speech will be drafted by the pro-Binay faction of the Communications Group; the second half by the pro-LP/Hyatt 10 faction.

Another unconfirmed report says Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo will skip Monday’s State of the Nation Address. She’s tired of listening to other people telling her about her life story.

Of course, Jose Maria Sison’s minions in the Extreme Left will be holding a protest rally on Monday. They are expected to burn effigies… of Etta Rosales.

Executive Sec. Paquito Ochoa says President Aquino won’t have any gimmicks in his SONA. Actually, Noynoy initially considered using three poor children and a “bangkang papel.” May nakita na siyang tatlong bata; meron na ring bangka. Ang problema, walang tubiiiig!


What Crisis?
Location: Metro Manila. People fighting one another for a pail of water; angry mob busting water pipes; schools suspending classes, and establishments shutting down operations. All these and yet, palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda insists there is no water crisis. So anong meron tayo? Leadership crisis?

Thousands of residents in the metro’s western zone have become desperate for water. They are now asking the Church to issue an Oratio Imperata Ad Petendam Pluviam or Obligatory Prayer to Request for Rain. If it fails, they’ll be asking President Aquino to party with the Malacañang Press Corps and sing two songs again.

Light Bites
(Warning: Corny. Read at your own risk.)
Q: Saan kumukuha ng tubig ang mga mahihirap, mga api, at ang mga underprivileged?
A: Eh ‘di… sa Wawa Dam.

You know there’s a serious water crisis when…
… a member of the Abad family uses the toilet but you only hear the “flush sound” after the fourth member of the family is done with his/her thing;
… Chiz Escudero and Paquito Ochoa ask for water, and Korina Sanchez gives them poison, and,
… former president Gloria Arroyo gets thirsty, and she starts drinking from a ‘leak’ of her own (Eew!).

Brain Drain
PAGASA Deputy Administrator Nathaniel Servando reveals 24 of the top weather forecasters and engineers have left PAGASA in the past 6-10 years for higher-paying jobs abroad. Overseas, they get an equivalent of 150 to 200 thousand pesos per month, and other incentives. Here, they get around 20 to 37 thousand per month, and a president’s invective.

Flash Report!
Isang weather disturbance, palapit nang palapit!
Mga weather forecasters, palayo nang palayo!

Trillanes’ Request Junked
The Makati City RTC has junked the motion for temporary release filed by detained senator Antonio Trillanes so he could attend the inaugural session of the 15th Congress. The court’s decision was a huge setback for Trillanes, his supporters, and Francis Pangilinan.

Sharon’s Gripe
Actress Sharon Cuneta said she felt as if she was stabbed after her husband Francis Pangilinan’s bid for the Senate presidency was rejected by other senators including her uncle, Sen. Vicente ‘Tito’ Sotto. But Sotto was unfazed by Sharon’s gripe saying, “Even if she’s stabbed several times, I’m sure, hindi aabot sa kanyang laman ‘yon.”

Asked why he’s supporting Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile, Sotto explained, “Gusto ko happy siya!”
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“A man has no more character than he can command in a time of crisis.”
~ Ralph W. Sockman

Survey Says
What do you think of the four Abads in government?
– They are qualified. What’s your problem?!? 26%
– Weather-weather lang ‘yan. 69%
– Wala akong pakialam. 5%

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Personal
Nakikisimpatya at nakikiisa ako kina Mang Zosimo, ang pedicab driver at Aling Budang, ang maliit na tindera ng puto’t kutsinta sa palengke sa kanilang pagtutol sa plano ng pamahalaang Aquino na sila ay buwisan. Bago n’yo habulin ang mga Pinoy na kayod-kalabaw, habulin n’yo muna ang mga asal-halimaw katulad ng mga opisyal ng Makati City Hall na may utang na 1.2 billion pesos sa BIR. Kailan n’yo sila sisingilin, kapag presidente na si Binay, at senador na si Junjun, at alkalde na ang kanyang apo? Bakit natahimik ang kaso laban sa IMBOA president na si Claire De La Fuente na hindi nagbayad ng 417 million pesos na buwis? Napakaraming dapat habulin, ‘yung maliliit ang inyong iipitin? Ginagalit n’yo ko ah!


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FIGHTS

6 07 2010


PRESIDENT NOYNOY AQUINO says his Cabinet will undergo a seminar on how to properly deal with the media. The seminar is not mandatory for all Cabinet members… except for Edwin Lacierda and Bro. Armin Luistro.

Reports say members of the Aquino cabinet will attend a seminar on how to properly deal with the members of the press. You know, how to charm them, get their attention, sustain their interest, and make them believe all the things you say. The seminar will be conducted by Kris Aquino.

President Aquino announced that members of his Cabinet would undergo a seminar on media relations. Again, fine-tuning.

No TRO
A Quezon City court has junked the request for a TRO filed by a CBCP consultant against the pilot testing of DepEd’s sex education program… to which Bro. Armin Luistro allegedly said, “’Kita n’yo na? Walang naitutulong ang media!”

Shooting President
On his fifth day as president, Noynoy Aquino took time off and did some target practice at Langkaya, Antipolo with Makati City Mayor Junjun Binay. The younger Binay said he actually sent the invitation to Aquino two weeks ago… but it was only last Sunday that Mar Roxas was persuaded to let Noynoy go.

President Aquino went target shooting Sunday. Members of the PSG said he was unusually sharp that day. In fact, he only missed 1 of the 10 James Yap photos used as targets.

Photo of the Weak

“Anak, inililipat ko na sa ‘yo ang pamamahala sa minamahal nating lungsod ng Makati. Para sa ‘yo talaga ‘to dahil nasa grade school ka pa lang, isinumpa ko na sa aking sarili na hinding-hindi ko bibitiwan ang puwestong ito hangga’t ‘di ka sumasapit sa tamang edad ng pamumuno. Bata pa ang iyong anak na lalaki. Matagal-tagal pa ang iyong bubunuin. Konting tiyaga. Nakaya ko ang 24 years, makakaya mo ang 25. Mabuhay ka!”

Just So You Know…
There’s a reported Facebook war between Noynoy Aquino volunteer Mae Paner a.k.a. “Juana Change” and presidential spokesman Edwin Lacierda. Interviewed on ANC, Paner revealed that Lacierda described her as “naiinggit” for criticizing the appointment of the Abads (whom she labeled as “recycled”) in government. The palace spokesman insists he’s just protecting Butch Abad and his family who are his close friends. The situation just got worse when Paner called up Lacierda to settle their differences. Instead of saying “Hello?” the palace spokesman said, “Oink?”

Tight Race
Reports say Senators Francis Pangilinan and Manny Villar are in a fierce battle for the presidency of the Senate. The only fiercer battle is between Juana Change and Edwin Lacierda.

Boat Capsizes
A motorboat carrying six members of the religious sect ‘Ang Dating Daan’ capsized Sunday enroute to Aroroy port after leaving Barangay Talib in Aroroy, Masbate. Probers are checking on reports that the boatman was a member of the Iglesia ni Cristo.

Overseas
US Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton has criticized Russia for occupying parts of Georgia… which is really ironic coming from a high-ranking official of a country that occupies the rest of the world.
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“The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.”
~Sun Tzu

The Who!
Another couple heads for splitsville! Mauritius Australia knew her affair with local politico Jordan Vanuatu Japan Ethiopia was doomed from the start. “There was a lot of fighting,” a source said. And whether she admits it or not, Mauritius Australia’s a battered “kabit.” She almost called it quits a couple of years back if not for her pregnancy. This time though, she’s determined to leave local politico. The straw that broke the camel’s back? Mauritius Australia learned that Jordan Vanuatu Japan Ethiopia has another woman, Greece Jamaica, a former flame of diminutive Mr. Romania. People wonder: why can’t Jordan Vanuatu Japan Ethiopia’s more famous father or brother discipline him? One of his constituents put it, “Isang himala kapag napagbago ng asal ‘yang si Jordan Vanuatu Japan Ethiopia. Pero kung magagawa ‘yan ng kanyang ama at kapatid, ako ang unang-unang sisigaw ng Hallelujah!”
(Updated July 9: Jordan Vanuatu Japan Ethiopia has granted ‘freedom” to Mauritius Australia. Nakahinga na ng maluwag ang kinawawang babae. Good for her.)

The Who, Too
If looks could kill, Yemen would be dead by now. And Germany would confess to the murder. Germany is so mad at Yemen for being a blabbermouth. It was Yemen who, without consulting Germany first, announced to the world that Germany’s romance with Malaysia was over. Germany didn’t want the public to know about it, and was actually successful in keeping the separation a secret from the tabloid press, until Yemen, yes, the rumormonger, made it public. Tsismosa!

The Who III
Will ex-politico, Kangaroo say “yes” to network bigwig, Parrot who offered him to anchor the network’s early evening newscast for a whopping P10M/month plus other perks? A very reliable source says Kangaroo still has a week left to decide. But will owners of his former network allow that? Everyone in his ‘original home’ with the exception perhaps of high-ranking Rabbit, is reportedly excited to see him back. Ano ang kanyang pipiliin? Abangan!

Survey Says
Who should be the Senate president?
Sen. Francis Pangilinan 40%
Sen. Manuel Villar Jr. 15%
Wala sa kanila. 45%

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Wohoo!
Congratulations to Francisco Bustamante of the Philippines for winning the 2010 World 9-Ball Pool Championships in Doha, Qatar earlier today (Manila time)! Great job Django!

Enjoy the rest of the week y’all!


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REPAIRS

4 07 2010


UNDENIABLY, the most talked about subject of conversations during the past week was the new president, Benigno Simeon ‘Noynoy’ Aquino III. In close second was the ‘wang-wang.’

The schedule of Benigno Simeon ‘Noynoy’ Aquino III on his first three days as president was really hectic. He swore into office 200 local executives, convened his cabinet for their first meeting, hosted a reception for foreign dignitaries, got stuck in heavy metro traffic, and performed two numbers in a variety show.

Arguably, the third most popular subject of the past week was the James Yap-Kris Aquino separation. Last Thursday, the basketball star released a statement saying he’ll do everything to fix his marriage, or as palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda would call it, “fine tuning.”

Presidential spokesman Edwin Lacierda couldn’t say whether President Noynoy Aquino took a rest or not on his first weekend in office. Lacierda said he didn’t know Aquino’s weekend schedule. He doesn’t seem to know anything at this moment. In fact, Lacierda’s not even sure if he’s still Aquino’s spokesman.

Memo Circular No. 1
This is embarrassing. Released on President Aquino’s first day in office, Memorandum Circular No. 1 declaring all positions of non-career executive service officials (Non-Ceso) vacant was withdrawn and reissued. I just hope they’d be successful this time because that’s exactly the same thing the Liberal Party did to Mar Roxas’ candidacy.

Mar’s Protest
Former senator Mar Roxas announced he would file an electoral protest against Vice President Jejomar Binay. Roxas loyalists believe the electoral protest will prove that he won the vice presidency and that he’s got lots and lots of spare money.

The Senate Presidency
Liberal Party’s Francis Pangilinan is confident of winning the senate presidency. He claims he has the support of Franklin Drilon, Ralph Recto, Francis Joseph Escudero, Vicente Sotto III, Teofisto Guingona III, Sergio Osmeña III, Antonio Trillanes III, Jinggoy Estrada, Juan Ponce Enrile, and Kris Aquino.

Sen. Francis Pangilinan and Sen. Manny Villar are on a collision course over the Senate presidency. Despite the backing of at least nine senators though, Pangilinan is not taking Villar lightly. As a matter of fact, Pangilinan regards Villar as the fiercest fighter he’d seen… after Sharon Cuneta.

Villar’s Bid
Reports say Sen. Manny Villar is determined to reclaim the presidency of the Senate. Aimed at helping Villar realize his dream, a rabid supporter is planning to release Sen. Francis Pangilinan’s alleged psychological and psychiatric evaluation reports next week.

Sen. Manny Villar is keen on winning the Senate presidency. In fact, Nanay Curing has been advised to prepare for a press conference.

Kris & James: A Postscript
James Yap has spoken. Addressing his wife Kris, the basketball star said, “Sa tulong ng Diyos, alam kong malalampasan natin ang pagsubok na ito!” to which God said, “Nandamay na naman!”
———————————-
“Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.”
~Napoleon Bonaparte

The Who?
Gold and Silver have called it quits. And Gold has been having sleepless nights these days. A source said, “Natatakot siyang mawalan ng trabaho. Magkasama kasi sila ni Silver sa isang programa.” History shows that everyone who got involved with Silver were either compelled to resign or terminated. The list includes Krypton, Cobalt, Calcium, and Copper. Unfortunately, the relationship is beyond repair.

Personal
Again, I hate it! PNoy, P-Noy, P’Noy or P.Noy, whatever! Tigilan na ang mga pautot na ‘yan. He’s got a name. Use it.

Survey Says
Your take on the soon-to-be officially established ‘Truth Commission:’
BILIB ako diyan. Sige, habulin si Gloria! 46%
I DOUBT kung may magagawa ‘yan. 43%
No comment. 11%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere…
Newsbreak: Lani Mercado’s pet bill

Newsbreak: Justices, dinner, and the Palawan cases

Have a productive week ahead!


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