TIKTOK, IISANG DAGAT, AND A GRAVELY ILL POLITICIAN

The “gravely ill” politician had a cardiovascular system procedure last April 12.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever8

HERBERT, HAIRCUT, AND HYSTERECTOMY

1MRT
REHABILITATION CZAR and former senator Panfilo Lacson says pork barrel queen Janet Lim-Napoles has linked more than a hundred government officials from both current and previous administrations to the multibillion peso pork barrel scam. Business analysts predict a looming shortage of wheelchairs.

Successful
Suspected pork barrel scam mastermind Janet Lim-Napoles underwent surgery last Wednesday, April 23. Ten doctors operated on her. The surgery was hailed a success. After the operation, Napoles was seen smiling on her way to the recovery room. The doctors were seen laughing all the way to the bank.

It was a successful surgery. The doctors removed Janet Napoles’s entire uterus and two ovaries. Napoles was happy. But the uterus and the ovaries were happier.

Reports say a total of 10 doctors – 7 from St. Luke’s and 3 from Ospital ng Makati performed the surgery on Janet Lim-Napoles. After the surgery, the doctors told Napoles, “Good luck on your recovery.” To which Napoles replied, “Good luck on the BIR.”

In one week, Janet Lim-Napoles is expected to be fully recovered. I’m not sure about her loot though.

Apology
Manila Mayor Joseph Estrada has apologized to Hong Kong for the unfortunate hostage incident in Manila. Filipinos are looking forward to his apology for the unfortunate incident that was Jinggoy Estrada.

Greetings
Rumors say Senator Enrile’s Facebook wall was deluged with birthday greetings last Tuesday. That left him wondering since he was born in February. And then Enrile realized, it was Earth Day.

2J
Kris and Herbert
Kris Aquino is sporting a pixie haircut which reportedly symbolizes a change in her life. The TV host was quoted to have said, “It was the shortest I’ve had since childbirth.” It wasn’t clear though if she’s still talking about the haircut or the boyfriend.

Kris Aquino recently posted Instagram photos pertaining to her rumored boyfriend Herbert Bautista. Remember when Kris made a promise on ‘Aquino&Abunda Tonight’ that she won’t talk about Herbert again? Me neither.

Entertainment editor Ricky Lo says Quezon City Mayor Herbert Bautista has given up on Kris Aquino. In his defense, he wasn’t the first.

FIRST & EXCLUSIVE! An interview with Kris Aquino’s new haircut

Ano ang feeling na bago ang hitsura mo?

Bongga! Grabe ang init ngayon ‘di ba? So thankful ako kay Ma’am Krissy na nagpagupit siya!

Bakit ba talaga nagpagupit ang iyong amo?

I’m not sure. Baka gusto lang niyang mag-trend aha-ha-ha! Aminin n’yo… pinag-uusapan pa rin s’ya hanggang ngayon. Winner ‘di ba?

Exactly.

Dapat kasi magpapagupit siya before Holy Week. Kaya lang, busy ang mga tao, ‘tapos special programming pa ang ABS-CBN. So sayang naman ang new haircut kung ‘di naman makikita agad nationwide ‘di ba? ‘Di ba!!!?? Sumagot ka! ‘Di ba?!

Sige na nga! And then…

And then, binalak din ni Ma’am Krissy na April 22 siya magpagupit para saktong Earth Day. Eh noong Black Saturday, biglang surface ang lola Gigi Reyes n’yo. Kaloka ‘di ba? Mang-aagaw pa ng eksena. So sabi ni Ma’am Krissy, “Hay naku Boy. Go na talaga. Magpapagupit na talaga ako bukas, Easter Sunday para maloka ang viewers ng A&A sa Monday .” So ‘yon, natuloy rin sa wakas.

2J
So, happy naman ang amo mo sa feedback?

That Monday night, oo! Kasi nga trending ako sa social media ‘di ba? Ang lakas ko raw maka-Jennifer Lawrence, Anne Hathaway, UP Pep Squad, at Doris Bigornia. Pero ang ‘di ko kinaya, ‘yong sabi ni Lourd De Veyra na kamukha ko si Cynthia Luster! Ang luma ng peg huh! Lunes pa lang, #throwbackthursday na?!

At least nag-trend ka.

Ito na nga ang ikinakainis ni Ma’am Krissy. Wala pang 24 hours ang lumilipas, umeksena naman ang Janet Napoles! May tell-all daw tungkol sa pork barrel scam. Hellllllo! Moment ko ‘to ‘di ba? ‘Wag KJ! So nabaling ang atensyon sa babaeng nangangailangan ng nose lift kanya.

What happened next?

Sakto! Nasa taping ng KrissyTV ang amo ko noong Tuesday. Sobrang init ng paligid. Wala siyang masyadong tulog the previous night. Suddenly, before mag-take… tsuk! Hinimatay si Ma’am Krissy. So takbo kami ng hospital. Kaloka. Hindi man lang ako sinuklay ni Darla. Pagdating sa Makati Med… nganga ang mga nurses and doctors nang makita ako at si Ma’am Krissy. Sabi ng bading na kumuha ng BP, “Cynthia Luster nga!” Aha-ha-ha Nakakaloka! ‘Buti ‘di narinig ni Ma’am Krissy. Or else…

So buntis nga ba ang presidential sister?

Hindi ‘noh! I should know. Kasama ko siya lagi. And to be fair to Ma’am Krissy… hindi pa niya isinusuko ang Bataan. Tarlac pa lang. Aha-ha-ha!

Siguro pag-uusapan pa rin ang pregnancy issue sa mga susunod na araw.

Ewan ko. ‘Yan kasing Ping Lacson, umeeksena rin. Ang daming blind items. Tsismoso ang pota. Ba’t kasi ayaw pa niyang pangalanan ang mga hinayupak na magnanakaw na ‘yan nang matigil na. Kabado tuloy sina senador L, G, F, T, R, C, L, atbp.

Sino naman sina L, G, F, T, R, C, L,?

Mag-research ka. Naimbento na ang Google. ‘Wag kang tamad.

Ok. Last, paglilinaw lang: break na ba ang amo mo at si Mayor Herbert?

Nooooooooo. They’re very much in love. Ako ang buhok niya. Alam ko ang nasa takbo ng utak ni Ma’am Krissy. Believe me.

2J
Thanks for the info. Last question, kung magiging buhok ka ni Pangulong Aquino… anong gupit ang gusto mo?

Eh kung ikaw na lang kaya ang maging buhok niya?

‘To naman! Masyadong choosy. Sige. Buhok ni Pangulong Aquino o buhok ni Secretary Butch Abad?

Death! Aha-ha-ha! Cynthia Luster forever!
——————————————————————
“Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby- awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.”
~Lemony Snicket

Sound Bites
“Dahil whatever we have in the past, I still believe na Secretary De Lima is the right person na in-approach niya because no-nonsense at saka more or less na hindi isa-sanitize ang information na ibibigay.”
~Panfilo Lacson on Janet Napoles’s decision to talk to DOJ Sec. Leila De Lima

Poll Results
Sang-ayon ka ba sa mungkahi ni Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago na maging state witness si Gigi Reyes?

HELL, NO! Pare-pareho lang sila! Burn them. 51.03%
WHY NOT? Basta sabihin niyang lahat ang kanyang nalalaman sa PDAF scam. 47.42%
Mga judgmental! Wala siyang kasalanan. Nagamit lang siya ni Enrile! 1.55%

Enjoy the rest of the week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos courtesy of the Philippine Daily Inquirer, Lui Andrada IG and Kris Aquino IG]

April 22nd
On this date in…

1500: Portuguese navigator Pedro Álvares Cabral becomes the first European to sight Brazil. Amazon tribesmen didn’t notice the Portuguese were coming because they were so busy playing soccer.

1870: Communist revolutionary Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov (Lenin) is born in Simbirsk, Russia. To ‘celebrate’ his birth, Communists all over the world simultaneously torched several cell sites.

1970: The first Earth Day is celebrated to promote environmental protection. Forty years later, the earth is at its worst condition ever, proving that the annual celebration is a failure.

1998: Disney’s Animal Kingdom opens at Walt Disney World near Orlando, Florida. Moments later, members of the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals or PETA gathered outside the theme park and demanded the release of all animals.

2000: In a pre-dawn raid, federal agents seize six-year-old Elián González from his relatives’ home in Miami, Florida… totally crushing the boy’s dreams of visiting Walt Disney’s Animal Kingdom.

1970: A beautiful bouncing baby girl named Regina Encarnacion “Chona” Velasquez is born. Sixteen years later, she would use a new name (Regine), and a new nose.

Thanks to Wikipedia and BBC On This Day.


It’s Earth Day today!
To save energy (and resources)…

Sen. Richard Gordon shall try to speak 150 words per minute (less than his “normal” average of 400 wpm).

Sen. Francis Escudero shall use more periods in his speeches, and limit his sentences to an average of 10 words.

Kris Aquino will limit her use of “Noy,” “Baby James,” “Ballsy,” “Pinky,” “Viel,” “mom ko,” and “dad ko” on TV to two times per segment instead of the usual five.

The Philippine Daily Inquirer will limit the news, and column items on Noynoy Aquino and his family to accommodate more Earth Day-related articles.

Tabloids will limit their pages to four. As James Watt lamented in 1982, did you know how many good trees were cut to put out bad newspapers?

And lastly, Sen. Manuel Villar shall limit his political ads to two lies per 30-seconds… an improvement from the usual seven lies per ad.

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“The activist is not the man who says the river is dirty. The activist is the man who cleans up the river.”
~Ross Perot

Personal
Thank you Cebu Bloggers Society for appreciating what I do. Credit goes to the readers whose incredible grasp of the daily goings-on in this country makes political humor blogging much easier. Again, daghang salamat!

KAMUNDUHAN

THE 40th ANNUAL EARTH DAY will be celebrated on Thursday, April 22, 2010. In observance of this historic event, Sen. Noynoy Aquino and Sen. Manny Villar will throw garbage at each other.

Sen. Jamby Madrigal says she wants this year’s Earth Day event to be memorable for the Nacionalista Party. She vows to dig up more dirt on Manny Villar.

The 40th Earth Day is being celebrated this week. In observance of the special event, Sen. Manny Villar will re-enact the first time he bathed in a sea of garbage.

The world will be celebrating the 40th Earth Day this week. In observance of the special event, Sen. Noynoy Aquino will NOT smoke for a day.

Lawyer Gilbert Teodoro can easily relate to nature and environmental issues… mainly because loyal Lakas leaders have become extinct.

Justice Secretary Alberto Agra is also celebrating Earth Day. In fact, he observed the event in advance. Last Saturday, he trashed the multiple murder charges against two Ampatuan scions.

In case you didn’t know, President Arroyo has declared April 22 as the “Philippines’ Earth Day” through Presidential Proclamation No. 1481. She signed the proclamation right after the release of a survey showing the continued “erosion” of the people’s trust on her.

Former president Joseph Estrada and senatorial candidate Joey De Venecia have decided not to campaign on April 22. Erap will observe Earth Day by planting his seeds while De Venecia will plant some weeds.

Professor Danton Remoto and party-list group “Ang Ladlad” will celebrate ‘biodiversity’ on Earth Day. The theme of Ang Ladlad’s celebration: “Para sa Makulay at Masayang Mundo, Berdeng Dugo ang Iboto!”

Sen. Mar Roxas will lead the Liberal Party’s Earth Day activity. Everyone is invited… except for Chiz Escudero and company.

This just in: Mar Roxas has belied claims by Korina’s former household helper that the broadcaster still uses Aquanet hair spray.

Makati City will observe Earth Day by promoting garbage segregation. As a matter of fact, residents, particularly those living in slums underwent a seminar on waste management recently. Sa naturang seminar ay ipinaliwanag ang pagkakaiba ng biodegradable at non-biodegradable. Halimbawa: ang mga papel at tirang pagkain ay natutunaw. Ang mga ito ay biodegradable. Sa kabilang banda, ang mga Binay ay ‘di natutunaw. Sa katunayan, inabot na nga sila ng dalawampu’t apat na taon sa city hall. Sila ay non-biodegradable.

Environmental groups are handing out special awards this year in celebration of the 40th Earth Day. Leading the list of awardees is businessman Manuel V. Pangilinan who is being recognized for his “reuse” and “recycling” efforts.

A list of famous people who are considered “anti-environment” will also be made public for the first time. Topping the list are Vicky Belo and Manny Calayan for turning celebrities into ‘plastics.’

And to warn the public about the hazards of chemicals on humans, Tingting Cojuangco, Loi Ejercito, Baby Arenas, Imelda Cojuangco, Vicki Belo, and Ellen Lising will join a motorcade.

But there are some who won’t be celebrating Earth Day this year. Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago is one of them. Alam n’yo naman, matindi pa rin ang galit niya sa mga “puno.”

And lastly, Stella Marquez-Araneta and the Bb. Pilipinas Charities, Inc. (BPCI) will celebrate the beauty of our planet on Earth Day. Stella and the BPCI say, “We love Earth. But we also love Mercury, Mars, Uranus, Neptune, Jupiter, and Saturn. The only one we hate is Venus.”

In Other News…

Absolved!
Justice Secretary Alberto Agra has cleared two members of the powerful Ampatuan clan of the grisly murder of 57 people in Maguindanao last year. With a justice secretary like that, who needs defense lawyers?

Gordon & Bayani
Despite the support of some loyal friends in Partido Lakas, Bayani Fernando says he will not abandon Richard Gordon, the standard bearer of Bagumbayan Party. To prove that he is telling the truth, Fernando promised Gordon that he would not call for a meeting of Bagumbayan members at Discovery Suites in Pasig City for a loyalty check.

Poor
According to a Social Weather Stations survey, 43 percent of Filipinos considered themselves poor. The rest were in denial.
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“Only when the last tree has died and the last river been poisoned and the last fish been caught will we realise we cannot eat money.”
~Cree Indian Proverb

Photo of the Weak

Ano ang sinasabi ng hayup sa larawan?
A: “L is for laway! Noy!Noy! Hihihi. Jas kedding!”
B: “Masama bang tumanaw ng utang na loob?”
C: “Tumabi kayo Villaroyo at Gloriaquino! Narito na ang bago! Ampatuanoy!”

Survey Says
Maiba naman. Lakers or Cavaliers?
Wala nang iba pa! Cavaliers! 24%
Anong klaseng tanong ‘yan? Siyempre, Lakers! 34%
Hmmm, pass muna! I’m not into sports. 42%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

HOLY FLU!


Swine Flu Virus
The biggest news of the week? The human swine flu virus. And Filipinos are getting worried. In fact, they’ve never been this worried since Mar Roxas announced on “Wowowee” that Korina Sanchez is the country’s next First Lady.

Swine Flu Virus II
The human swine influenza virus has already killed hundreds and infected thousands worldwide. The spread of the virus is alarming. To give you an idea how alarming it has become, for the first time in history, Jose De Venecia and his fellow congressmen are avoiding pork.

Swine Flu Virus III
The World Health Organization has raised the alert level on the human swine flu virus to Phase 4, meaning there is sustained human-to-human transmission of the virus. But senators, congressmen, and other corrupt politicians have nothing to worry about because there has yet to be a documented case of human-to-crocodile transmission.

Solons to Vegas
Reports say a large number of congressmen led by House Speaker Prospero Nograles are flying off to Las Vegas to watch the Manny Pacquiao-Ricky Hatton bout on Sunday. Fact is, if they wanted to debate on Charter Change they can freely do since their number in Vegas constitutes a quorum.

Pacquiao on TIME
Final results of a TIME Magazine survey showed that Manny Pacquiao was voted the 22nd “most influential” person in the world. When Sen. Lito Lapid heard this he said, “Influential? Naku, dapat magpa-check up na siya. Baka dahil sa swine virus ‘yan!”

Quintuplets
Did you hear about the 27-year-old housewife who gave birth last Sunday to a set of quintuplets? Yesterday, Mar Roxas and Korina Sanchez (as shown on ABS-CBN newscasts) visited the woman and her babies. Roxas and Sanchez became emotional when they saw the babies… mainly because they never expected to see such an adorable bunch of election paraphernalia.

Korina On Leave
ABS-CBN announced that Korina Sanchez is taking a leave of absence from her radio program starting May 9. Ted Failon is wondrin’ why women close to his heart are leaving him.

peta_bikini No to Zoos
Barely-clad female members of the People for Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) staged a protest action at the Manila Zoo to urge the management to release the animals to their natural habitat. Tomorrow, they will picket the House of Representatives to call for the release of some 270 crocodiles in captivity.

No to Zoos II
Four bikini-clad women from the People for Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) picketed the Manila Zoo on Tuesday to urge the public to boycott zoos. Sen. Jamby Madrigal says she would support PETA’s call… only if the women would stage similar protests in five more zoos.

juday-ryan Juday and Ryan Wedding
Judy Ann Santos and Ryan Agoncillo have tied the knot in a very private ceremony in San Juan, Batangas Tuesday morning. Thank goodness they were not running in 2010! Otherwise, the wedding would have been held at the “Wowowee” studios.

Earth Day: A Postscript
A week ago, the world celebrated Earth Day. In observance of the significant event, environmental groups planted seedlings; local governments cleaned up rivers, and Vicki Belo recycled her face.

Elsewhere…

My favorite gossip columnist, Vic Agustin of the Manila Standard Today has written an intriguing article. Do you know Leo Magno?

Newsbreak magazine has an update on the jueteng operation in Ilocos Norte.

And for fellow fanatics of our Kobe Bryant and the Los Angeles Lakers, you can check out this blog for pre-and post-game analyses.

Personal
The Professional Heckler is on Twitter. Search for either: Professional Heckler or heckler8. See you there. (Of late though, people couldn’t find me there. I tried using the “Find People” button but i myself g0t zero results. Dunno why. Sigh.)
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“Every human being is the author of his own health or disease.”
~Buddha

EARTH DAY

April 22 is Earth Day: a chance to promote love of nature: plants, animals, and the environment. In celebration of this event, the Supreme Court issued a ruling expanding the country’s largest crocodile farm. It allowed 32 additional party-list representatives to sit in Congress.

Of course, the Lower House was in Earth Day mood too. As if the same farm was not big enough, a House of Representatives panel approved yesterday a measure raising the maximum number of lawmakers from 250 to 300.

Likewise, Sen. Mar Roxas observed Earth Day. I know what you’re thinking. But no, he didn’t go for a pedicab ride to work. Instead, when he saw a guy threw garbage at Edsa, minura niya ito.

Former congressman Ted Failon whose wife was cremated yesterday observed Earth Day in advance. Last week, he had his house cleaned up.

Additional House Members
Because of a Supreme Court ruling, the Lower House now has a record number 55 party-list representatives. Isn’t that ironic? While the Lower House is adding 32 more… our senators are killing one another.

House Speaker Prospero Nograles says 32 additional solons means an additional 2.57 billion pesos in pork barrel allocation. That’s 2.57 billion pesos! Or as Sen. Manuel Villar would describe it, “Budget for 10 C-5 road projects.”

The Lower House has 32 additional party-list representatives and controversial retired Major General Jovito Palparan Jr. is one of them. The country has so many party-list groups… even human rights violators are represented.

palparan Retired Major General Jovito Palparan Jr. of the anti-Communist group Bantay is now a member of Congress. When Jose Maria Sison heard this, he immediately ordered the deployment of additional security for Satur Ocampo, Teddy Casiño, Liza Maza, Luzviminda Ilagan, and Rafael Mariano.

Loyalists of Joma Sison in Congress vowed to block the entry of retired Major General Jovito Palparan Jr. to the House of Representatives. They described him as “a butcher, a killer, and a human rights violator” – traits that qualify him for a post in the NPA leadership.

Retired Army Major Jovito Palparan Jr. of the anti-Communist party-list group Bantay is now a member of the House of Representatives. Asked what excites him the most as a congressman, Palparan replied, “ambush interviews.”

pacquiao-hatton-promo300 Pacquiao-Hatton Fight
Reports say seats for the Manny Pacquiao-Ricky Hatton fight on May 3 (Manila time) are almost sold out. In fact, there are more available seats now at the House of Representatives compared to the MGM Arena.

Wilma Galvante vs. Annabelle Rama
Talent manager Annabelle Rama appealed to her fellow Visayans to join her in a rally outside GMA 7 to demand the resignation of her “enemy,” GMA 7 Senior VP for Entertainment TV Wilma Galvante. But Rama was forced to cancel the rally… when only Cerge Remonde showed up.

For the aborted rally against GMA 7 executive Wilma Galvante, talent manager Annabelle Rama announced on TV a hotline where her fellow Visayans could call her. The toll free number: 1-908-1-SCHIZO.

Quote of the Weak
“Satanas ‘yang Wilma na ‘yan! Satanas ‘yan! At hindi ako titigil hangga’t malaglag ‘yang bruha sa GMA! Walanghiyang bruha na ‘yan!”
~Talent manager Annabelle Rama talking about her adversary, GMA 7’s Senior VP for Entertainment TV Wilma Galvante in a radio interview

(Note: The Professional Heckler has just received information that Annabelle Rama usually eats garbage for merienda. ‘Yan po ang dahilan kung bakit ganyang kabaho ang lumalabas sa bibig niya.)

But in all fairness to Ms Rama, the feisty mom observed Earth Day yesterday… by not opening her mouth for one hour.

Personal:
Two readers of this blog have informed me that Philippine Star columnist Federico Pascual re-printed my post CHICKEN CROSSING today, April 23 in Phil Star but attributed the write-up to someone else. Grrrrr.

Elsewhere…
Where in hell did Loren and Angara go? These senators made me laugh. (Thanks to Rem for sending me the link.)

_________
“We do not inherit the earth from our ancestors, we borrow it from our children.”
~Native American Proverb