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PLAYFUL (MY FOOT)

1 10 2018

This article was first published by the Philippine Daily Inquirer on Sept. 30, 2018.

In a speech in Malacañang, President Duterte admitted, “My only sin is extrajudicial killings.” And then he said, “I’m not under oath, am I?”

Defending Duterte’s statement, Chief Presidential Legal Counsel Salvador Panelo said, “He’s Bisaya.” PNP Chief Oscar Albayalde said it was uttered “because of frustration” while former senator Juan Ponce Enrile insisted, “Only one was killed and none was arrested in Duterte’s war on drugs.”

Everyone expected palace spokesman Harry Roque to say that President Duterte was just joking. But in a radio interview, Roque said the President was just being “playful.” And then he went on to thank his friend who gave him a new thesaurus on his last birthday.

_____________

According to President Duterte, drug dependents were to blame for the country’s rice crisis. In a joint statement, Agriculture and NFA officials denied they were drug dependents.

President Duterte joked that recovering drug dependents, whom he described as “mga ulol” (crazed) were to blame for the country’s rice crisis because they have started eating again. Recovering drug dependents then expressed alarm when Duterte added, “I will appoint Ozamiz City Police Chief Jovie Espenido to the NFA.”

I just noticed there’s Duterte, a joke, drug dependent, and ulol in one sentence. Apologies for the redundancy.

In his next speech, the President will try to figure out a way to blame the peso’s slump on drug addicts.

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Palace spokesman Harry Roque says the “foremost priority” of the Duterte administration right now is “fighting inflation.” In case you’re not aware, inflation was arrested last week on rehashed rebellion charges but was released after posting bail.

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Solicitor General Jose Calida has threatened to file a libel complaint against Sen. Antonio Trillanes IV if the senator “doesn’t express his sincere apology” for accusing him of stealing his amnesty application documents. Calida insists he is not a thief. Is he being playful too?

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Last September 12, President Duterte revealed an alleged plot to oust him on Sept. 21. Nothing happened. This week, the military said there was a plot to bring down Duterte in October (calling it ‘Red October’) and another in November and one more in December. So far, two “leaders” of the alleged plot to eliminate Duterte are being monitored. They were identified as Buerger and Barrett.

_____________

Former senate president Aquilino Pimentel Jr. advised Communications Assistant Sec. Mocha Uson to stop meddling in the government’s federalism campaign and go back to showbiz instead. In response, ‘showbiz’ said, “We already have Robin Padilla. We can only take so much.”

Sources told Inquirer Lifestyle editor Lito Zulueta that Mocha Uson would resign from the Presidential Communications Operations Office “anytime soon.” Mocha has yet to inform her boss about her decision but she’s confident Bongbong Marcos will understand.

_____________

Chinese-backed Maldivian President Abdulla Yameen, the tyrannical leader who jailed political rivals on dubious charges lost his re-election bid earlier this week. Yameen appeared on television to concede. He was flanked by his two sons, Baste Yameen and Pulong Yameen.
_______________________________________________________________________________
“A guilty conscience needs no accuser.”
~Anonymous

Sound Bites
“Extraordinary statement by a Head of State (and we have had many this week at the UN): my ‘only’ sin is #EJK. Translation: my only sin is imposing unthinkable sufferings on 1000s of vulnerable families, emboldening corrupt policing, destroying rule of law.”
~Agnes Callamard, United Nations special rapporteur

Truth.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever8

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EXCLUSIVE! DUTERTE’S CHRISTMAS MESSAGE

20 12 2017

Christmas Message
of
Rodrigo Roa Duterte
President of the Philippines

[Taped last December 20, 2017 at the Rizal Ceremonial Hall, Malacañan Palace]

Untitled
Mga kababayan,

Sandali. Hindi ko na lang basahin ‘tong speech. Pakahaba ng put*ng i*a. Sabihin ko na lang ang gusto kong Xmas message sa kanila. Ba’t ba may speech-speech na prepared pa? Pwede namang magsalita na lang ako. Makinig na lang kayo. Ganito!

Sabi ko noong isang taon, ‘pag ‘di ko nahinto ang druga sa loob ng anim na buwan, mag-resign man ako. After more than one year, may druga pa rin. So anong gawin ko? Mag-resign ako? No way! Hindi ko ugaling mang-iwan sa iri. Kaya galit na galit ang mga dilaw kasi hindi ako nag-resign. Bakit kayo magagalit? Sa inyo ba ako nangako? Naniwala ba kayo sa promise ko? Hindi naman ah. Ang naniwala man sa promises ko eh ang 16 million na voters ko. Kaya sila lang ang dapat magalit kung ‘di ko natupad ang pangako ko. Eh hindi nga sila nagagalit so inis na inis ang dilawan. Mamatay kayo sa inggit.

Ba’t ko sinasabi ito? Kasi ngayong Pasko, marami na naman d’yang ninong at ninang na nag-promise magregalo sa inaanak. Promise ng ganito, ganyan. Pero dahil walang pira, walang regalo sa araw ng Pasko. Tapos magtatampo ang magulang ng bata kasi umasa ang anak niya. Tang ina! Ba’t kayo magagalit? May patago ba kayo? Kung magbigay ang ninong, salamat. Kung hindi magbigay, manahimik kayo mga gago!

Kagabi, narinig kong binasahan man ng istorya ni Sara si Stonefish, ‘yong apo ako. Christmas story. Sabi sa kwento, masama raw si Haring Herodes kasi ipinapatay niya ang mga bata sa Jerusalem. Nag-init man ang ulo ko. Sabi ko kay Sara, “Inday, ang bata-bata pa ni Stonefish, tinuruan mo agad ng kasinungalingan. Siniraan mo pa si Herodes.”

Makinig kayo mga Kristiyano, lalo na kayong mga Katoliko. Ang dapat na ginawa n’yo – inalam n’yo muna ang panig ni Herodes. Hindi ‘yong husga agad kayo nang husga kahit ‘di n’yo pa naririnig ang panig nung tao! Baka naman justified ang pagpatay niya sa mga bata noong panahong ‘yon. Bago kayo mag-conclude, magtanong muna kayo mga tarantado!

Bakit ko sinasabi ito? Eh kasi, ‘yang putang inang UN na ‘yan ‘tsaka ‘yang Amnesty International at kung anu-anong pisting human rights-human rights groups na nakikialam sa aking gobyerno, wala nang ginawa kundi magbintang; bumatikos! Hidline sa diyaryo nila sa Amerika, ‘Duterte cops kill children,” “Duterte death squads murder slum dwellers.” Putang ina n’yo. Lamunin n’yo ang human rights n’yo. I will not allow drug addicts to ruin the lives of my people. If I had to kill them myself, I’ll do it just to protect the Filipinos.

Mabalik ako kay Herodes. Baka nakakalimutan n’yong siya ang hari noon! May karapatan siyang gawin anumang gusto n’ya. Parang presidente lang ‘yan. Kung ayaw n’yo sa ginagawa ko, eh ‘di tang ina, kayo na dito sa pwesto ko. Akala n’yo gusto kong maging presidente? ‘Pag ako nabwisit, mag-resign talaga ako. Iwanan ko man kayo d’yan! Tingnan natin kung ano mangyari sa inyo. Tang ina. ‘Tsaka bago n’yo pag-initan si Haring Herodes, pag-initan n’yo muna ang haring dilawan na bumili ng Dengvaxia vaccine! Mas maraming bata ang mamamatay dahil dun. Gago!

Ilang araw na lang Pasko na. Sana malipol man ‘yong mga inggitero. Bakit ko nasabi ‘to? Eh kasi pati pagpapa-picture ng aking apo, ginawang isyu. Tang ina. Bago kayo mag-ambisyon ng photo shoot sa palasyo, maging apo muna kayo ng pangulo, tangna nyu!

Untitled
Galawin n’yo nang lahat, awayin n’yo nang lahat, ‘wag lang ang pamilya ko! Pisting yawa kayo! Si Pulong, ayaw pa ring tigilan sa isyu ng smuggling! Nasaan ang ebidensya n’yo? Si Pulong pinag-iinitan n’yo pero sina Joseph at Mary, ok lang? Tatahimik-tahimik kayo! O, bakit? ‘Di ba sabi sa Bible, pagkapanganak kay Hesus sa Jerusalem, palihim itong dinala nina Jose at Maria sa Egypt? ‘Di ba smuggling ng bata ‘yun? Bago kayo magmalinis – lalo na kayong mga paring Katoliko, alamin n’yo muna ang history n’yo mga gago!

Sa mga rape joke ko, galit na galit kayo – pero ang mga bastos na kanta n’yo ‘pag Pasko, pinapatugtog n’yo pa! Tang ina! O, bakit? ‘Yong mommy na nakikipaghalikan kay Santa Claus, gawain ba ng matinong babae ‘yon? Gawain ni De Lima ‘yun! May asawang tao tapos lumalandi sa ibang lalaki! At ‘tsaka ‘yang si Santa Claus, hindi ba stalker ‘yan?!? He knows when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake. ‘Yan ang dapat n’yong katakutan at hindi ang mga pulis ko! ‘Wag na ‘wag lang dadaan sa tapat ng bahay namin ‘yan, itumba ko talaga ‘yang matandang ‘yan.

Sa Lunes, pangalawang Pasko na tayong magkakasama. Siguro itatanong ng mga dilawan, “Bakit? Ano bang nagawa mo na?” Sira-ulo ang mga walanghiya. ‘Di ba sila nagbibilang? Lampas 13,000 na yata! Dadagdagan pa natin ’yan next year. Human rights, human rights, ipakain ko sa inyo ang human rights n’yo! Fuck you.

O, sino ‘yang sumisenyas sa likod? Bakit?!? Mahaba na ba? Ano ‘yang sinisenyas mo? Dalawang minuto? Gago. Wala naman kayong sinabing two minutes lang ‘to!

Nalimutan ko pala… kay De Lima, baka sabihin mo naman napakasama kong tao. Padalhan na lang kita ng fruit cake sa driver ko. ‘Tang ina, wag mong galawin ang driver ko, matanda na ‘yon ‘day! At kay Sereno, pasalamat ka’t bakasyon na ang mga tuta ko sa Kongreso. Magdasal-dasal ka na ngayong Pasko! Balikan kita sa Enero.

Merry Christmas sa inyong lahat. At ‘wag kayong mag-alala, hangga’t nandito ako sa pwesto, lalabanan nating lahat ang druga. Druga. Druga. Druga.

At higit sa lahat, druga! ‘Tang ina!
________________________________________________________________________________

“Killing people isn’t progress.”
~Athan Fletcher, ‘The Swordsman and The Priestess’

Sound Bites
“He has proven to be a partisan investigator driven by hubris and scornful of his colleagues, whose entirely avoidable mistakes become the administration’s too. The majority should consider replacing him.”
~Editorial, ‘Flush Gordon’

Elsewhere
Investigative Report: The Boys From Davao (Reuters)
This is Police Station 6 in Quezon City, part of the Philippines’ sprawling capital. Officers here killed 108 people in the first year of President Rodrigo Duterte’s drug war, making it Quezon City’s deadliest station. Leading its drug squad were police from Duterte’s distant hometown. They lived on the roof and called themselves the “Davao Boys.”

[Photo: Duterte: Inquirer.net; Duterte 2: Rappler]





THE BAR

21 08 2017

1Symbol

An old man, a drug dependent, and a murderer walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Good evening Mr. President.”

* * * * *

Martin Andanar walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Secretary, can I get you anything?” Andanar ponders, “What’s the best can you offer me?” The bartender replies, “A good editor.”

* * * * *

A group of majority bloc senators walk into a bar. The majority leader tells the bartender, “I believe we already have a reservation.” The bartender replies, “Of course! In fact, the President has been waiting for you.”

* * * * *

A Caloocan City cop was sitting at a bar. The bartender came over and asked, “What’s your order sir?”

The cop answered, “I’m ordering you to disable all the CCTVs.”

* * *

A palace spokesman was also sitting at the bar. The bartender approached him and asked, “Did you hear it Mr. Secretary? That cop wanted me to disable the CCTVs!”

The palace spokesman replied, “It’s just a hyperbole. Don’t take him seriously.”

* * *

Dick Gordon, Tito Sotto, and Koko Pimentel were also there. They refused to believe the bartender’s claim and dismissed it as hearsay.

* * * * *

The bartender noticed Alan Peter Cayetano and his sister, Pia seated nearby and asked for their opinion. The siblings said, “We didn’t hear anything. No comment.”

* * *

Later that night, a 17-year-old walks into a bar. He comes out in a stretcher. Nobody saw what happened. The CCTVs were disabled.

1Symbol
Mocha Uson, Bruce Rivera, and two gnomes walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “Where’d you get those trolls?”

Mocha Uson and Bruce Rivera answer, “These are not trolls! These are gnomes, idiot!”

The bartender replies, “I was talking to the gnomes!”

* * * * *

A sad-looking Mocha Uson walks into a bar. While checking the menu, she tells the bartender, “I wanna have fun. I want to be genuinely happy. I want to feel great. What should I have? Any suggestions?”

The bartender replies, “Ahm, brain?”

* * * * *

Joseph Estrada walks into a bar. Loi Ejercito appears and says, “It’s only 3 AM! Go back to our room!”

* * * * *

A group of congressmen walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve politicians here.” The congressmen chorused, “It’s fine. We don’t serve you either.”

* * * * *

A preacher, a billionaire, and a homophobe walked into a bar. Everyone was like, “Pacman, pa-autograph naman!”
——————————————————————————————————————————–
“You have to quit confusing madness with a mission.”
~Flannery O’Connor

Sound Bites
1DuterteQuotes

It’s on you butcher, it’s on you.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Seal: Lei Reyes Marin Jr.; Credits to the owner of the Duterte quotes compilation. Somebody tweeted that to me sans attribution tho.]








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