INTERVIEW WITH THE DEVIL III

AFTER A MONTH-LONG stay in Syria, the devil is back! To the utter surprise of press people, the confessed famewhore, attention-seeker and scene-stealer called a press conference early this morning. Here’s the transcript of another exclusive interview.

‘Musta?

Heto, puyat. Pero sobrang saya!

Ano na namang kademonyohan ang ginawa mo?

‘Di mo ba nabalitaan ang nangyari? Maghapo’t magdamag ka sa Twitter wala kang alam?

Ulol!

Thank you.

Ano ngang nangyari?

Sige na nga. Ganito ‘yon. Dumaan ako sa burol ni Mang Dolphy kagabi sa Heritage Park. Wala naman akong planong magtagal dahil sobrang liwanag ng paligid. Punyeta. Hindi ako makalapit. Eh biglang natanaw ko ang aking personal favorite, si Annabelle Rama. So ‘yun, I did what I thought would give me a sense of fulfillment.


So ikaw pala ang may kagagawan ng pagwawala ni Annabelle Rama kagabi!

Uh-huh. Proudly!

Bad ka talaga!

Thank you.

Hindi ka man lang rumespeto sa patay!

Excuse me dong! Guide lang ako. May free will kayo. Nagsa-suggest lang ako ng kasamaan. Kung ayaw n’yong gawin, hindi ko pipilitin.

Nagsa-suggest? Eh hinabol ni Annabelle ng bread knife si Chito Alcid ‘tapos muntik nang hambalusin ng tungkod sa mismong burol?!! You’re despicable!

Thank you! Pero malay ko bang ganun ang mangyayari. Ang ginawa ko lang naman, binulungan ko si Bisaya. Sabi ko, “‘Day, papunta ng kubeta ang baklang reporter na kinasuhan mo ng libel. Panahon na para turuan siya ng leksyon. Wala ka bang gagawin ‘day?” Hindi ko naman sinabing habulin niya ng bread knife ‘noh.


Nakakahiya kayo. You’ve totally lost the last iota of decency left in your lives!

Har har har! Don’t iota me dong! At anong decency ang pinagsasasabi mo d’yan!? Kaya nga demonyo ako ‘di ba? Bastusan ang forte ko, bobo! Balik tayo kay Annabelle. Kahit nga ako, nagulat nang konti eh. I mean, she made me extra proud last night and I appreciate that. Pero I did not expect na she’d overachieve. That was a new low for her. *cue canned applause here* I love it! Sana lang nakita n’yo ang reaksyon ng mga dating artista ng Sampaguita Pictures na naroon sa lamay. Grabe, hindi ko alam kung na-shock sila o talagang ‘di lang gumagalaw ang mga pisngi at noo nila dahil sa Botox. Har har har

I heard isa raw sa mga umawat si Ilocos Sur Governor Chavit Singson.

‘Yon nga ang ikinakabuwisit ko. ‘Tong Chavit Singson na ‘to, walang loyalty! Kung may papapahalaga siya sa pagkakaibigan namin, dapat hinayaan niyang magkasakitan ‘yong dalawa. Malilintikan sa ‘kin ‘yan ‘pag nagkita kami later.

Maiba ako, huwag mong sabihing ikaw rin ang may pakana ng pagtakbo raw ni Bisaya next year for a seat in Congress.

Uh-huh. We’re getting there. Tinatantya ko lang ang pulso ng mga Cebuano. We will make an announcement soon. Excited na nga ako eh. Can you imagine kapag may kaaway siya sa Kamara? Ang headlines: “Cebu Representative Annabelle Rama, binato ng rostrum si Deputy Speaker Boying Remulla” o kaya “Talent manager-solon disrupts SONA; forcibly removed from session hall” I can’t wait!

Sa tingin mo mananalo?

Dong, don’t underestimate the Cebuanos. Hindi ko naman nilalahat pero marami d’yan ang enjoy na enjoy sa pinagaggagawa ni Bisaya ‘dong. Isama mo pa sa kampanya sina Rechard at Roffa dong. Panalo! Huwag na si Raymond dong, high-end masyado ‘yon. Hindi makaka-relate ang voters sa Magnum at Esquire ‘dong.

Ano sa tingin mo ang mga bills na ihahain ni Annabelle sakaling manalo siya?

Siyempre, meron siyang limang priority bills:
Anti-Nadia Montenegro Act
Anti-Amalia Fuentes Act
Anti-Chito Alcid Act
Anti-Cristy Fermin Act
At ‘yong Anti-Heart Evangelista and Mrs. Cecile Ongpauco Act.

Any final message for Ms Annabelle Rama?

‘Day, keep it up! You’re doing great. And congratulations… may bago ka na namang kaso! If you only knew how proud I am. Nandito lang ako lagi to guide you. Pero may ipapakiusap lang sana ako sa ‘yo. Kasi, lagi na lang Sto. Niño ang binabanggit mo sa ‘yong interviews. That’s a bit unfair. Paano naman ako? Hellllo! Give credit where credit is due. Ok ‘day?


Sasamantalahin ko na ang pagkakataon, tatanungin na rin kita sa ibang usapin. Mabilisan lang ‘to. Tell me your thoughts on these topics. Una, ang pag-bless ng MMDA sa Edsa.

Pathetic! Motorista ang bendisyunan n’yo ‘wag ‘yong Edsa. Nananahimik ‘yong kalsada, ginugulo n’yo! ‘Kita mo naman, matapos mag-ikot ang pari sa Edsa, sunud-sunod na aksidente ang nangyari. Lalo ring nagkabuhul-buhol ang trapiko. So sinong mas powerful? Ako! Har har har

Nabalitaan mo ba ‘yong pagpapakain daw ni Davao City Vice Mayor Rodrigo Duterte ng fake land title sa isang swindler?

Of course! Ako pa! Nandun ako ‘noh! Rudy has been a friend of mine for like decades. Alam mo na!

Lastly, anong masasabi mo kay Mang Dolphy?

Hindi ko siya gusto. Mas pinili niya ang kalaban ko. Hmpf! Eh ‘di magtiis siya sa langit. Booooring!

Bitter?!?

Nasaksak ka na ba ng bread knife?

Tarantado!

Thank you.
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“There’s money, and then there’s class. The two are often separated.”
– Kate Jacobs

In case you missed:
Interview With the Devil Part 2
Interview With the Devil

Quote of the Weak:
“Talagang nasaktan ako. Bakit kasi dito pa kay Dolphy na hindi na n’ya nirespeto. This is the ultimate kabastusan.”
~Entertainment columnist Chito Alcid

Have a safe weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

PRESS RELEASE

Press Release
June 23, 2012

Pahayag ni Cong. Enrique E. Pal sa isyu ng kalusugan ni Dolphy

Nagpahayag ng kalungkutan si Congressman E. E. Pal sa pinagdaraanang krisis pangkalusugan ng Comedy King na si Dolphy.

“Kaisa ako ng sambayanan sa pagdarasal para sa mabilis na pagbuti ng kalagayan ng Hari ng Komedya.”

Ayon sa mga ulat, kritikal pa rin ang kalagayan ng otsenta’y kuwatro anyos na beteranong aktor sa Makati Medical Center.

Sinabi ni Congressman E. E. Pal na isa siyang masugid na tagahanga ng Comedy King.

“Napanood ko halos lahat ng pelikula ni Mang Dolphy. Saludo ako sa kanyang husay sa pagpapatawa. Ang pinaka-paborito ko ay ang “Pasifica Pamaypay Pasampay. Basta, mahusay siya doon. Aliw na aliw din ako sa “Ang Tatay Kong Nanay” kung saan kasama niya ang kyut na kyut na si Aiza Seguerra.”

Idinagdag ng kongresista na isa si Dolphy sa kanyang mga inspirasyon. Katulad ng Comedy King, nagsimula rin daw siya sa wala. Ngunit dahil sa pagsusumikap, kabilang na ngayon si Congressman E. E. Pal sa tinatawag na millionaire’s club ng Kongreso.

Samantala, nakikiisa rin ang kinatawan sa panawagang ideklara bilang National Artist si Dolphy, Rodolfo Vera Quizon sa totoong buhay.

“Matagal ko nang gustong imungkahi ‘yan. Sa katunayan, first term ko pa lamang sa Kamara ay naisip ko na ‘yan. Kaya lang, dahil sobrang busy tayo sa paglilingkod sa bayan, nawaglit ‘yan sa aking isipan. Pero promise, ako talaga ang unang proponent n’yan.”

Naniniwala si Congressman E. E. Pal na panahon na upang ideklarang Pambansang Alagad ng Sining si Mang Dolphy. Susulat aniya sa National Commission for Culture and the Arts, Cultural Center of the Philippines, at ‘Wish Ko Lang’ upang mapabilis ang proseso.

“He is truly a national treasure. For me he is a National Artist. Sa Lunes, maghahain ako ng resolusyon upang maigawad na sa kanya ang pagkilalang noon pa man ay naglalaro na sa aking isip. I reiterate, ideya ko ‘yan! Sa maniwala kayo o sa hindi.

Dalawang healing mass ang nakatakdang isponsor ni Congressman E. E. Pal sa linggong ito: isa sa Mababang Kapulungan ng Kongreso at isa sa Makati Medical Center.

“Samahan n’yo ako sa taimtim na panalangin para sa aking idol, ang ating minamahal na si Dolphy.

Congressman E. E. Pal
House of Representathieves
Quezon City

Postscript:
Lest this statement be misconstrued as politicking, nais linawin ni Congressman E. E. Pal na hindi siya tatakbo for reelection… as of press time.
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“Live by publicity, you’ll probably die by publicity.”
~Russell Baker

Quotes Quiz: Who tweeted:
“Dear motorcycle rider with your helmet hanging on your arm: Kung maaksidente ka, wag ka mag-alala. Safe ang siko mo. #NagdalaKaPaNgHelmet”

A: Deputy Presidential Spokesperson Abigail Valte.
B: Cong. Dato Arroyo
C: Sen. Kiko Pangilinan
D: Health Undersecretary Dr. Eric Tayag

Have a safe and productive week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

Quotes Quiz Answer: B

FIGHTING CHANCE

THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES formed a five-member committee to investigate whether congressmen were truthful or not with the information stated in their SALNs. The committee members were identified as “Wehhh?” “Di nga?” “Really now!?” “Yeah right!” and “Maniwala kami!”

Party Listing
For next year’s party-list polls, instead of listing the qualified organizations alphabetically, the Commission on Elections will randomly list their names on the ballot. The poll body’s decision is being opposed by two party-list groups: 1-Care For You and AAAAAsahang Maglilingkod Forever.

The CJ Search
The Judicial & Bar Council (JBC) will allow the media to cover live the screening and selection of the next Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. The new set of criteria will soon include 10 percent – audience impact.

Reports say there are now 47 candidates for the post vacated by former Chief Justice Renato Corona. The number will be trimmed down to five in the Hollywood Round.

Former Defense Secretary and presidential aspirant Gilbert Teodoro is among those 47. Danding Cojuangco’s wife Gretchen says she’s cool with the other 46.

AT PRESS TIME, Comedy King Dolphy is still under observation at the ICU of Makati Medical Center. Eric Quizon says his father’s condition is better today than it was 12 hours ago. In fact, I have reason to believe that Mang Dolphy is in better shape now than the economy of Greece.

Abu Sayyaf
It’s been years since they started terrorizing us. Everyone is saying we should control the Abu Sayyaf Group. Funny. We can’t even control a Jordanian journalist!

Starfruits Beware
Sen. Edgardo Angara has filed the so-called ‘Anti-Balimbing Act’ that seeks to penalize political butterflies. Sen. Franklin Drilon is offended.

Satisfied
President Aquino is reportedly satisfied with the performance of Executive Secretary Paquito ‘Jojo’ Ochoa as the government’s anti-crime czar. Really??? Ochoa’s the anti-crime czar?!? #hindihalata

K to 12
According to a recent Social Weather Stations survey, 65 percent of Filipinos support the K to 12 program of the Department of Education… while 100 percent of Filipinos were wondering what on earth was K to 12.

Part-Time
According to the Department of Labor and Employment, more Filipinos are now working “part-time.” Then President Aquino said, “Don’t you give me that look!”

Security Lapse
An Army colonel’s car was stolen in front of his quarters inside Camp Aguinaldo last Saturday. Since the start of the year, there have been 15 reported cases of burglaries at the AFP headquarters. And we’re talking about protecting Panatag Shoal from the Chinese??? Please.

Vice Governor Salvador?
Reports say actor Phillip Salvador will run for vice governor of Bulacan. Observers were shocked at his decision to run and were even more shocked to learn that he was from Bulacan.

Asked why he wanted to run, Salvador answered, “Siguro ito ‘yung kalabit ng Diyos sa akin. Siguro ito ‘yung gusto niya.” To which, God said, “Nananahimik ako. ‘Wag kang mandamay!”

Highest-Paid
According to Forbes, Floyd Mayweather Jr is now the world’s highest-paid athlete. In second place is Floyd’s adversary, Manny Pacquiao – who felt insulted for losing the number 1 position to an inmate.

The 5-member review panel formed by the World Boxing Organization said Manny Pacquiao indeed won against Timothy Bradley Jr. And Mar Roxas was like, “There’s still hope.”

Overseas
Hollywood actor Johnny Depp and his partner of 14 years, Vanessa Paradis announced their split. The third party was identified as Tim Burton.


In Egypt, Hosni Mubarak, the dictator who ruled the country for three decades is clinically dead. Mubarak was once clinging to power. Now, he’s clinging to life.
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“Just because you’re not sick doesn’t mean you’re healthy.”
~Author Unknown

Quotes Quiz. Who tweeted:
“Now I am torn! I like both OKC and Miami, don’t know who I will root for.”
A: Cong. Sonny Angara
B: Cong. Jules Ledesma
C: Cong. JV Ejercito
D: Cong. Teddy Casiño

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

Answer to Quiz: C

THE CLIMB

THE LATEST Social Weather Stations survey conducted from Jan. 21 to 24, 2010 is out. On Page 1 of the SWS report is a disclaimer that states, “No portion of this study was obtained in or near Quiapo.”

According to the latest SWS survey commissioned by Business World, Sen. Manny Villar has narrowed the lead of Sen. Noynoy Aquino to seven percentage points. To avert a further decline in his rating, Noynoy will release a rap version of his “Hindi Ka Nag-iisa” video.

From 15 percent in December, pardoned plunderer Joseph Estrada’s rating is down to 13 percent in January. The SWS believes there’s a modest decline in the prevalence of idiocy in the country.

In the latest SWS survey, Gilbert Teodoro got 4 percent; Sen. Richard Gordon and Bro. Eddie Villanueva, each got 2 percent, Kilusang Bagong Lipunan standard bearer Vetellano Acosta, 0.3 percent; Ang Kapatiran’s JC Delos Reyes, 0.2 percent; and environmentalist Nicanor Perlas; 0.1 percent. The SWS did not release the rating of Sen. Jamby Madrigal. She won’t believe the results anyway.

StratPOLLS Survey
In the latest survey conducted by StratPOLLS, Gilbert Teodoro jumped into double-digit figures for the first time. He got 11 percent. Partida pa ‘yan huh. Nakaw pa ang ginamit na ad jingle n’yan!

Jamby on Villar
Interviewed by the Philippine Daily Inquirer, Sen. Jamby Madrigal described Sen. Manuel Villar Jr. as “an evil candidate.” Villar vowed to give a reaction tomorrow on radio station dzRH, 666 kHz.

Where is Lacson?
Sen. Panfilo Lacson admits fleeing the country last Jan. 5 or two days before the Department of Justice recommended the filing of murder raps against him for the murders of publicist Salvador “Bubby” Dacer and his driver on November 24, 2000. The majority senator who failed to attend the Senate plenary on the C-5 road extension controversy issued a statement saying he left the country out of his concern for his “own personal safety and security” to which Sen. Manny Villar said, “I agree. Mabuti pa nga d’yan ka na muna.”

Signal Jammer
The Commission on Elections says reports of people planning to use jammers to disrupt telecommunication signals and sabotage the automated elections on May 10 should be taken seriously… although poor telecom signal is neither new nor alarming if you’re a Sun Cellular subscriber.

Signal Jammer II
Even Liberal Party standard-bearer Noynoy Aquino has expressed alarm over reports that some people may use signal jammers to sabotage the elections. Noynoy adds, “Nabibili lang kasi ‘yan sa Raon District sa Quiapo.”

Senate’s Big Spender
According to the Commission on Audit, detained senator Antonio Trillanes IV is the third biggest spender among Senate members in 2008 incurring expenses of 17.224 million pesos. Under the category, “local travel expenses,” Trillanes spent 247,404 pesos! Bakit?!? Kasinlaki ba ng UP campus ang detention cell niya at kailangan niyang magsakay?

Senate’s Big Spender II
As per COA’s report for 2008, detained senator Antonio Trillanes IV spent 247,404 pesos for “local travel.” Does Philippine law now allow spending for astral travel?!

In Entertainment…
‘Comedy King’ Dolphy, a Manny Villar endorser, has left ABS-CBN and inked a deal with Manny Pangilinan’s TV 5. Maricel Soriano, another ABS-CBN talent, and Dolphy’s daughter in the defunct sitcom “John & Marsha” has also transferred to TV5. To prove that his newly-acquired station is dead serious in competing with GMA and ABS-CBN, Manny Pangilinan is initiating talks with Nida Blanca.

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“Eeach candidate behaved well in the hope of being judged worthy of election. However, this system was disastrous when the city had become corrupt. For then it was not the most virtuous but the most powerful who stood for election, and the weak, even if virtuous, were too frightened to run for office.”
~Niccolo Machiavelli