THE NATION ACCORDING TO NOYNOY


PRESIDENT BENIGNO SIMEON ‘Noynoy’ Aquino III’s first State of the Nation Address is over. Now, can anyone please tell me how to get a job at the MWSS?

Aquino’s SONA
President Aquino delivered his first State of the Nation Address Monday. It was direct to the point. Like a missile, the SONA hit its target – located somewhere in Hong Kong.

President Aquino’s first ever State of the Nation Address was short and direct. No frills, no gimmicks, no fanfare, no land reform, no economic goals, no foreign policy.

Addressing the CPP-NPA-NDF, Aquino asked: “Handa na ba kayong maglaan ng kongkretong mungkahi, sa halip na pawang batikos lamang?” – to which extreme Leftist lawmakers replied, “Kapag ganun ang nangyari, eh hindi na kami ‘yon.”

The President also said, “Habang nagpapatuloy ang barilan, patuloy din ang pagkakagapos natin sa kahirapan.” And then he vowed to quit target shooting on weekends and promised to work instead.

There was one awkward moment TV cameras failed to catch during the SONA. When President Aquino said, “Creating jobs is foremost on our agenda,” the four Abads in government chorused, “Taaama!”

The President also vowed to “strengthen the Witness Protection Program” – by establishing partnership with the La Salle Brothers.

On Monday, President Aquino let loose some bombshells. Not sure if it shocked many Filipinos but when TV cameras focused on former First Ladies Imelda Marcos and Luisa Ejercito, their faces barely moved.

President Aquino’s 35-minute State of the Nation Address was interrupted 29 times by applause… and at least 3 times by Aquino waiting for the applause.


Speaking before members of both Houses of Congress, President Aquino vowed, “Sa administrasyon po natin, walang quota-quota, walang tongpats; ang pera ng taumbayan ay gagastusin para sa taumbayan lamang.” The congresspersons broke into applause… with the heaviest of hearts.

A day before Aquino’s State of the Nation Address, former president and now, Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo left for Hong Kong. As they say, flight is an indication of guilt.

Asked by the press if he was glad that his mother, former President Arroyo did not attend the SONA, Camarines Sur Rep. Dato Arroyo replied, “Okay lang. Kebs!” – to the delight of Prof. Danton Remoto who’s been looking for an ally in Congress.

Asked by the press if he was glad that his mother was not there to listen to President Aquino’s SONA, Camarines Sur Rep. Dato Arroyo curtly replied, “Okay lang. Kebs!” Last night, his wife Kakai Manotok-Arroyo wasn’t able to sleep well.

In other news…
Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile was re-elected president of the Senate. He got a total of 17 votes while his rival for the post, Sen. Alan Peter Cayetano got only 3 votes. Cayetano’s votes came from Joker Arroyo, Pia Cayetano, and Sharon Cuneta.

Belmonte By A Landslide
Voted by at least 227 congressmen, Quezon City Rep. Feliciano “Sonny” Belmonte scored a landslide victory against Albay Rep. Edcel Lagman for the Speakership of the House of Representatives. Belmonte’s win was “a walk in the pork.”

A total of 258 congressmen were present when the session opened at 10 am. In the race for House Speaker, Quezon City Rep. Sonny Belmonte got 227 votes while Albay Rep. Edcel Lagman got 29 votes. Surprisingly, Vetellano Acosta managed to get 2 votes.

Aside from Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo who was in Hong Kong, and Cagayan Representative Florencio Vargas who passed away over the weekend, two other congressmen were absent when session opened at the Lower House: Ilocos Sur Rep. Ronald Singson, and Negros Occidental Rep. Julio ‘Jules’ Ledesma IV. One is a rich, alleged drug user who almost always gets away with it, and the other is Chavit’s son.
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“Dapat din po nating mabatid: ito ay panahon ng sakripisyo. At ang sakripisyong ito ay magiging puhunan para sa ating kinabukasan.
~President Benigno Simeon “Noynoy” Aquino III (SONA 2010)

Survey Says
Kung ikaw si dating Pangulong Arroyo, dadalo ka ba sa SONA ni Pangulong Aquino?
-Why not? Karapatan ko ‘yon. 26%
-Never! Not even in my wildest wet dreams! 61%
-Pag-iisipan ko. 13%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere
President Aquino’s first State of the Nation Address

Meet the members of the MWSS Board of Trustees

Note: The photos of the members of the Board of Trustees suddenly disappeared on Tuesday. Hoy! Akala n’yo ba kapag inalis ang mga larawan n’yo, mababago no’n ang realidad na ang kakapal ng mga mukha n’yo?!? Mga punyeta kayo! Pa-cheeseburger naman kayo! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

HOLY WEAK!

hly_wk_cross
Semana Santa and Philippine Politics

The House of Representatives plans to stage a senaculo on Good Friday. But they have a huge problem. The play requires only two thieves. There are 238 of them.

The Aquino Family of Tarlac is also holding a senaculo at Hacienda Luisita this week. Noynoy Aquino has been tapped to play the role of the virgin.

And Kris Aquino was assigned to read the seven last words. But the queen of talk complained, “Gosh naman Mom! Seven lang?!? Can I discuss each na lang!”

In Cavite, Panfilo Lacson played the role of Pontius Pilate in a passion play. When the mob shouted “Crucify Jesus! Crucify him,” Lacson told them, “Nahh, that’s time consuming. Shoot him!”

In the Arroyos’ hometown of Lubao, Pampanga, local officials couldn’t agree on who should play who in the upcoming senaculo . So they decided to draw lots. Hayun, sa awa ng Diyos, hanggang ngayon binobola pa rin.

Staunch supporters of Pampanga governor Fr. Ed Panlilio rejected President Arroyo’s offer to play Pontius Pilate in a passion play at the provincial capitol. Asked why, they said, “It’s a risk. Pa’no kung irelease n’ya lahat ng convicts?!?”

Loren Legarda will likewise be active this Holy Week. Dozens of senaculo organizers have invited her. She’s the unanimous choice to play Mary Magdalene.

And did you hear about Mar Roxas’ “panata” this Lenten season? He is doing a Visita Iglesia… on a pedicab.

Under fire for “meddling” in the ongoing Sulu hostage crisis, Richard Gordon refused to play the role of any major character in a senaculo in Olongapo City. He’ll keep it low key this time and will just join the crowd… of weeping women.

hly_wk_palm At the Philippine Drug Enforcement Agency headquarters, drug agents were alarmed when palm fronds or “palaspas” went missing. They later discovered that the Alabang Boys powdered the palm fronds and rolled them into cigars. (Wow pare! Miss ko na si Maryjane dude!)

Overseas, Manny Pacquiao was invited by the Filipino community in California to participate in the traditional Pabasa. The People’s Champ did say yes to the invitation but instructed his lawyers to double check the “Pasyon” that he’s gonna read… just to make sure it wasn’t written by ABS-CBN lawyers.

hly_wk_pacquiao Just so you know… Manny Pacquiao is a devout Catholic. In fact, he already did the station of the cross last month. Three stations so far, to be exact.

In Davao City, Passion play organizers couldn’t find “extras” who were willing to act as thieves. They’re so afraid their mayor would take their roles seriously.

Remember controversial DOJ prosecutor John “Lending Business” Resado? Something weird happened at a senaculo in his native Tarlac when he played the role of Judas Iscariot. When Roman authorities paid him 30 pieces of silver for betraying Jesus, he demanded an additional 1.6 M pesos to be deposited to his BDO account.

If that’s weird, then this one’s insane: when fashion designer Boyet Fajardo played the role of a Roman soldier in a senaculo , he repeatedly slapped the guy who played Jesus, and then ordered everyone in the cast to kneel in front of him or else, he’ll have them fired from the project.

And finally…

This just in! Giant oil companies are hiking pump prices this week… in observance of “Mahal na Araw.”

President Arroyo’s Seven Last Words
(To be delivered on the eve of the next president’s inauguration)

7: “Ama, patawarin mo ako dahil hindi ko alam ang aking mga pinaggagawa.”

6: “Sinasabi ko sa ‘yo Mike: Ngayon din ay isasama kita sa aking self-exile.”

5: (To All Filipinos) “Mga anak… ako ang ina n’yo! Ako ang ina n’yong lahat!”

4: “Iggy, Mikey lama sabachthani?’ (Translation: “Mga kaalyado ko sa Kongreso, bakit n’yo ako pinabayaan?”)

3: “Natatakot ako!”

2: “Naganap na!” (Ang inauguration ng bagong pangulo!)

1: “Asawa ko, sa mga kamay mo’y ipinagtatagubilin ko ang mga nakulimbat natin sa palasyo!”

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“All spiritual practices are illusions created by illusionists to escape illusion.”
~Ram Dass

UP NEXT:
PRESIDENTIABLES: The Awful Truth in 60 Seconds

GMA AT 62

birthdaygirl
Top 10 Ways the President Celebrated Her 62nd Birthday

No. 10: Hosted a Snow White-themed costume party. Guess who came as the 8th dwarf?

No. 9: When the clock struck 12, she wore a polka dot shirt and jumped up and down until she got tired.

No. 8: Participated in the reenactment of the annual Palm Sunday feast to commemorate the triumphant entry of Jesus into Jerusalem. She played the role of an ass.

No. 7: The same way she spent her 30th birthday. Let’s just say, the First Gentleman has never felt this “young” and exhausted again. (Eeew!)

No. 6: Was invited by a certain Mrs. Pineda to be the guest of honor in a special “President’s Birthday Draw” of a “numbers game” in her native Pampanga.

No. 5: Nothing much. Ash my father would alwayssh shay, jussht do what ish right. Do what ish bessht. And God will take care of the ressht.

No. 4: Declined the birthday presents from her children. Instead, she was the one who gave them gifts. For Luli, a book: Herb Kay’s “How to Get Filthy, Stinking Rich and Still Have Time for Great Sex!” For Mikey: an early endorsement for his 2010 gubernatorial bid in Pampanga, and for Dato: his own legislative district in Bicol.

No. 3: Got a surprise production number from her two sons Mikey and Dato, brother-in-law Iggy, and staunch House ally Prospero Nograles. They all performed the cha-cha.

No. 2: Didn’t sleep until 4am hoping she’d get a pre-dawn birthday call from US President Barack Obama.

And the No. 1 way the president celebrated her 62nd birthday…

Ordered the release of another high-profile murderer.

Happy birthday Mrs. President!

______________________
“No one is ever too old to do a foolish thing.”
~ J. Sheridan Le Fanu

Survey Says…
Are you spending the Holy Week outside Metro Manila?
Yes: 66%
No: 27%
Undecided: 7%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

UP NEXT:Ever wonder what would happen if our presidential contenders dropped the “kaplastikan” in their premature political advertisements, and become genuinely honest about themselves instead? In his next post, the Professional Heckler will bring you: Presidentiables: The Awful Truth in 60 Seconds (First In A Series of Suggested TV Advertisements).

Plus: A special Lenten post. Abangan!

DARK NIGHT

Dato Arroyo’s Turf
In case you didn’t know, Camarines Sur Rep. Luis Villafuerte has filed a bill aimed at creating another legislative district in Camarines Sur to accommodate the president’s son Dato Arroyo. And next year, Congress will create another country to accommodate the outgoing president.

earthhour Earth Hour
Last night, the country was plunged into darkness for the 2nd worldwide Earth Hour, a global campaign to highlight the threats of climate change. The event lasted for only an hour. If it lasted longer, the threats of climate change would be no match to the threats of robbers, holduppers and snatchers in the metro.

In observance of the second global Earth Hour, lights were switched off last night in at least 647 cities and municipalities in the country. But that figure is expected to go higher next year… once Congress creates Dato Arroyo’s new district in Bicol.

I heard that Manny Pacquiao himself observed Earth Hour. In fact, even before last night, Pacquiao has been switching here and there.

Then there’s the controversial senator Panfilo Lacson. When he was told about Earth Hour, he said, “Kailangang patayin ang mga ilaw for one hour?!?!? Papatayin lang pala eh. Sanay ako diyan!”

Reports say 10 million Filipinos switched off their lights last night. The economy is so bad, one-third of them… permanently.

earthhour3ayala Something weird happened during last night’s observance of Earth Hour in Makati City. Several minutes before the ceremonial switch off at Tower One on Ayala Avenue, it suddenly went dark. Organizers thought someone switched off the lights prematurely… until they realized – the mayor just arrived.

Talking about weird… it turned out that Sen. Mar Roxas wasn’t aware of the Earth Hour campaign. He was actually in the shower when Korina turned off the main switch in the house. And then he yelled, “ Put*ng-inaaaaaa, sinong pumatay ng ilaw?! ‘Di pa ko tapos!”

PHILIPPINES  EARTH HOUR Millions of people around the world joined last night’s observance of Earth Hour. Fashion designer Boyet Fajardo was one of them. In fact, he instructed all his employees to participate… or else, he’ll get them fired.

Last night’s Earth Hour event was a huge hit in the Philippines. It was so successful, Meralco is now warning of “Earth Hours” if the Energy Regulatory Commission rejects its petition for a power rate hike.

PHILIPPINES  EARTH HOUR Local organizers lauded Filipinos for observing Earth Hour last night. The “lights out” event was so successful, one of Joseph Estrada’s mistresses was able to sneak past Loi Ejercito.

Remember the good-looking “Alabang Boys” who are detained at the PDEA headquarters? When the lights were switched back on after the Earth Hour, their burly inmates had a huge smile on their faces.

eddie_v Bro. Eddie’s New Party
Did you hear the news? Defeated presidential candidate and Jesus Is Lord leader Bro. Eddie Villanueva has launched a new party in preparation for his 2010 presidential bid. It’s called… the Try Again Party.

Defeated presidential candidate and Jesus Is Lord Movement leader Bro. Eddie Villanueva has launched a new movement for a renewed bid at the presidency in 2010. Bangon Pilipinas Movement is gone but his son’s Cibac party list group is still active. I don’t know if you’re counting but Villanueva has been launching groups and movements since he went political. In fact, the number of groups and movements he has formed has eclipsed the number of votes he received in 2004.

This Just In!
Sen. Panfilo Lacson has launched a new party. It’s called “Bang! Pilipinas.”

Sen. Mar Roxas has also launched a new party. It’s called “Put*ang Ina… Babangon Pa Ba ang Pilipinas?!”

And yes, Sen. Loren Legarda has just launched a new party. It’s called “She Bangs Pilipinas.”

Sen. Manuel Villar has launched a new party too! It’s called “Bangon Pilipinas! Bangon Pilipinas!” Notice the double entry?

Guess what! Even non-presidential aspirant Miriam Defensor-Santiago is launching a new party. It’s called “Hibang Pilipinas!”

But the most surprising move yet? DOJ prosecutors have pooled their resources to launch their respective political career. They have formed a new party called, “Bangag Pilipinas!”

Not Running
Jinggoy Estrada says he will not run for vice president in 2010. Good news Pilipinas!

cheap_chinese4 A Brewing Controversy
A reader of this blog sent the link to a column that could trigger a heated exchange between Filipinos and Chinese. But around 4pm, Monday, it was removed by the website. You can still read the article here though. I can’t wait for the Leftists’, especially Joma Sison’s minions’ reaction. Because I’m sure, if the writer was either Briton or American, they’ll be all over the news now condemning him, and trumpeting the Reds’ “nationalism.” Let’s see if they’ve got the balls to denounce the bigotry of their fellow Communist.

Survey Says
Do you think Lacson had a hand in Bubby Dacer’s murder?
Results:
Yes: 76%
Maybe: 17%
No: 7%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.
______________
“The activist is not the man who says the river is dirty. The activist is the man who cleans up the river.” ~Ross Perot

THEY CAME, THEY SAW, THEY CONCURRED

null Interfaith Rally

Tens of thousands of anti-Arroyo protesters converged at the corner of Ayala Avenue and Paseo De Roxas Street in Makati City Friday and called for the resignation of President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo. Among the speakers at the rally, ZTE NBN scandal whistleblower Rodolfo “Jun” Lozada drew the loudest cheers from the crowd – automatically making him the frontrunner for the opposition’s 2010 senatorial draft.

null Interfaith Rally II

While protesters were shouting anti-GMA slogans in Makati City, it was business as usual for President Arroyo who even made short trips to Bulacan and Luneta. As Romulo Neri would have described it, that’s the “devil-may-care” attitude.

Interfaith Rally III

While the interfaith rally was ongoing, hundreds of government officials – including more then 100 congressmen, more than 40 governors, and mayors – allied with the President were at Malacañang to attend a mass requested by Camarines Sur 1st District Rep. Diosdado “Dato” Arroyo. Rumors say the priest who celebrated the mass is still in shock. It was his first time to officiate a mass attended by that so many evils.

null Interfaith Rally IV

Short of admitting his reported illicit dalliances, Jun Lozada asked the Makati City crowd, “Mapapatawad n’yo po ba ako sa aking ginawa?” A crowd led by former president Joseph Estrada cheered: “Why not?!”

Interfaith Rally V

The wives of the jailed members of the Magdalo group joined the interfaith rally at Ayala Avenue and stayed there ‘til evening. For once… their night was never lonely.

null Interfaith Rally VI

Days before the interfaith rally in Makati City, defeated presidential candidate and Jesus Is Lord Movement leader Bro. Eddie Villanueva said that 100,000 of his followers will attend the rally. Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay estimated the Makati crowd at 80,000. If Villanueva was telling the truth about his flock, that makes every single person in that Makati City rally a Born-again Christian. Amen!

Villanueva’s Flock

In 2004, Bro. Eddie Villanueva said that the five million strong Jesus is Lord Movement will make him president. He lost.  Last week, Villanueva promised to lead his 100,000 followers to the interfaith rally in Makati. Just wondering: what happened to the other 4.9 million?

Susan A No-Show

Character actor Rez Cortez, leader of the FPJ Movement for Truth and Democracy revealed that Susan Roces, FPJ’s widow “does not want to mix up with us anymore” and has refused to join political rallies. In fairness to Ms Roces, she may have yet to see the truth but she seems to have seen the light.

In Other News… null

Noli is Prepared

Vice President Noli De Castro said, “I am always ready to assume the presidency.” Kami, hindi.

Pulse Asia Survey

The latest Pulse Asia survey on the ZTE NBN controversy showed that 76% of Metro Manila residents distrust the president while 76% distrust the First Gentleman. How sweet! Even in surveys, they’re a perfect match!

Gina De Venecia, Again

Gina De Venecia, wife of the ousted House Speaker lamented that President Arroyo once told her, “I am the president, you’re just a housewife.” So, anong problema mo?

Enjoy the rest of your weekend!

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