LUCK


FENG SHUI MASTER Joseph Chau declares President Aquino will be lucky in love in the coming Year of the Water Dragon. In other news, another feng shui master predicts Mr. Chau will lose his credibility this year.

According to feng shui master Joseph Chau, President Aquino will be lucky in love this year and that, “The First Lady is coming out.” To which, Secretary Mar Roxas said, “Don’t look at me.”

A feng shui expert says, in the coming Year of the Water Dragon, President Aquino will be a lucky man ‘romantically’. I wonder at whose expense.

President Aquino was born in the Year of the Rat. Master Chau says Rats who are in politics shall have positive reputation throughout the year. Ok, tell us something that Pulse Asia and SWS haven’t been trumpeting since 2010.

To ward off negative energies in Malacañang, feng shui master Joseph Chau advised President Aquino to “make noise” by hitting a gong at the entrance of his office six times everyday. Either that, or invite ‘Kris Aquino.’

Chau also advised the President to place behind his desk a pair of “Happy Hippos.” Again, ‘hippos’ Mr. President. Not, Zippos.

On Shalani’s Wedding
Asked if he would attend the wedding of his ex-girlfriend Shalani Soledad, the President said, “In this particular case, I would have to provide the appointments committee the reasons for attending that particular event. It’s not my decision, there are so many factors I have to weigh. I don’t look at my schedule earlier than a day or two days before because it really makes one exhausted, just reading all the engagements you have to go to. I have so many roles and all those roles consume all the time that I have available.” He just said ‘No.’

Asked if he’s attending his ex’s wedding, President Aquino replied, “I have so many roles and all those roles consume all the time that I have available.” To which Shalani Soledad said, “Better.”

Inspection
In preparation for the Corona impeachment trial, the House prosecution panel reportedly visited the Senate for an inspection. They were impressed with what they saw. And some of them can’t wait – can’t wait to become senators themselves.

PCIJ’s Report
According to a report of the Philippine Center for Investigative Journalism, even Lower House members have refused to disclose their statement of assets, liabilities, and net worth or SALN. I think I know why. Have you seen the SALN forms specifically designed for congressmen? The document has a bold heading that reads, “This is where your taxes go.”

Suspect
This morning. I read a news item on GMA 7’s website. The headline says: “Lalaking pinaghihinalaang magnanakaw, binugbog ng mga taga-San Juan.” And I was like, what the hell did you do with your congressman?!?

Salvage
On Wednesday, a lifeless woman stuffed in a suitcase was found at the parking lot of the NAIA Terminal 2. An hour later, a man’s body was found inside a drum also in Pasay City. In other news, Hollywood producers are so thankful of Philippine authorities for securing the ‘The Bourne Legacy’ shoot.

Terror Threat
The Black Nazarene procession may be over but President Aquino says terror threats remain. Don’t worry Mr. President! We’re safe. ‘Jeremy Renner’ is here!

Who’s King?
The Ring Magazine says Manny Pacquiao is the pound-for-pound king. ESPN believes it’s Floyd Mayweather Jr. To be fair, they’re both kings although Mayweather, according to inmates, will soon become their ‘queen.’

Gayest
According to The Advocate, the gay and lesbian newsmagazine, Salt Lake City in Utah is the gayest city in America. To which. Malate, Manila said, “Bongga!”

Coco on Kris
On a psychic’s prediction that he’ll get Kris Aquino pregnant, actor Coco Martin said, “Malabong mangyari ‘yon.” Malinaw kasi ang isip niya.
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“I’m a great believer in luck and I find the harder I work, the more I have of it.”
~Thomas Jefferson

Quotes of the Day
“Our emphasis is always to strengthen family. We believe that a lot of the solutions to the problems in the country will be best addressed by a family that is strong, united and strengthening and caring for the children that they bring into this world. We hope that this will be what the union of Roman and Shalani will be able to achieve.”
~President Aquino when asked to give his wish for ex-girlfriend Shalani Soledad and Cong. Roman Romulo

“I’m sorry for her because I know what it is to go through hell like that. If you are on the side of truth, do not be afraid.”
~Ilocos Norte Rep. Imelda Marcos’ to Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo

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THE LONGEST DAY


THE LONGEST BLACK NAZARENE procession ever in the history of the annual tradition finished at around 6AM Tuesday. The procession was even longer than the Black Nazarene’s journey from Mexico to the Philippines 405 years ago.

The Black Nazarene procession took 22 hours to finish. It would have been a lot faster if the organizing committee was headed by Judge Jesus Mupas.


Last Sunday, January 8, President Aquino bared a terrorist plot aimed at disrupting the annual Black Nazarene procession. Eight million devotees didn’t believe him.

For security reasons, telephone companies cut off cut their services in downtown Manila. There was no cell phone signal during the Black Nazarene procession. Or as Globe users would say, “just another ordinary day.”

On Monday, devotees marked the Black Nazarene’s 405th anniversary. Yup, it’s been here that long. In fact, when the ‘miraculous’ image arrived in the Philippines from Mexico, Senator Enrile was still a baby.


Top 5 Signs that Someone Present at the Black Nazarene Procession Is A Fake Devotee

No. 5: Throughout the procession, she keeps telling a friend, “Akala ko ba maraming cute dito? Gosh, I haven’t seen one.”

No. 4: Others walked barefoot, she’s on high heels.

No. 3: He joins the procession with one cell phone and leaves with at least seven.

No. 2: Distributes free white towels and then goes, “God bless po! Sa 2013, ‘wag kakalimutan si Konsehal.”

And the No.1 sign that someone present at the Black Nazarene procession is a fake devotee…

While others yell “Viva Senor,” the poser shouts, “’Tang-i*a, walang signal! Paano made-detonate ‘to!”

Kris on Impeachment
Guesting live on ‘Gandang Gabi Vice’ last Sunday, Kris Aquino was asked who she would date if she were a guy: Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo, Miriam Defensor-Santiago or Imelda Marcos? She picked Senator Santiago saying, “kailangan namin ang vote niya sa impeachment.” And we all thought that Cong. Miro Quimbo was the prosecution panel’s spokesperson.

Last Sunday on ‘Gandang Gabi Vice,’ Kris Aquino was asked who she would date if she were a guy: Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo, Miriam Defensor-Santiago or Imelda Marcos? Watching the show at home, Gloria and Imelda were like, “Please God, not me, please!”

PBA Semis
Have you been following the PBA semifinals? I heard it has been a thrilling series between Petron and Talk ‘N Txt. But that’s nothing compared to the thrilling matchup between Danilo Suarez and Edcel Lagman.

Blue Ivy Carter
Beyoncé and Jay-Z announced the birth of their first baby. They named her Blue Ivy Carter. But critics accuse the couple of being a copycat claiming that ‘Blue Ivy Carter’ was the name of a baby born in Switzerland in 1951.

Fans around the world are waiting for the release of Baby Blue Ivy’s first photos. But that could take a few more weeks as Beyoncé and Jay-Z have just started the bidding.

Charice Returns
Charice has jut arrived. She was pictured on a wheelchair at the NAIA. In all fairness, the wheelchair was not Photoshopped.
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“Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase.”
~Martin Luther King, Jr.

Quote of the Weak
“Si Senator Miriam, kasi kailangan namin ng vote niya for the impeachment.”
~ Presidential sister and TV host Kris Aquino’s answer when asked: ‘If you were a guy, who would you date: Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago, Cong. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo or Cong. Imelda Marcos?”

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CONGRESS, CORONA, KOBE


TWO DAYS AFTER the Lower House voted to impeach Chief Justice Renato Corona, President Aquino partied with the congressmen at the House of Representatives. The mood was festive. It just got a little awkward when the solons started shouting, “Bonus! Bonus! Bonus!”

President Aquino had fun partying with congressmen on Wednesday night. He even performed his favorite Freddie Aguilar hit, ‘Estudyante Blues.’ You know, that song that goes, “Si Gloria’ng nakikita, Si Gloria’ng nasisisi, si Si Gloria’ng laging may kasalanan.”

Congressmen had a blast at the Lower House’ Christmas Party last Wednesday. Aside from live performances, the solons participated in a variety of fun contests. In the game called “Trip to Jerusalem,” Batangas Rep. Hermilando Mandanas lost a chair.

Navotas Rep. Toby Tiangco refused to join the games. He complained that the game masters did not allow him to read the mechanics.

Rating
In the latest Pulse Asia survey, President Aquino got an approval rating of 72. In high school, that’s an F.

Truce
President Aquino has declared an 18-day holiday ceasefire with the New People’s Army. For a moment, Chief Justice Renato Corona wished he was a Communist.

Corona Retaliates
Despite Malacañang’s relentless attacks, Chief Justice Renato Corona said he would not resign. According to Corona, “Handang-handa akong humarap sa paglilitis.” Take that Merceditas Gutierrez!

In his speech Wednesday, Chief Justice Corona used strong words like “diktadurya,” “kasakiman,” and “pambabastos.” The President just laughed off the tirade. But when Corona said, “Mapalad po ako na mayroon akong isang mabait at matatag na kasama sa buhay, na siya ring pinagkukunan ko ng lakas at inspirasyon. Mahal na mahal kita, Tina.” – the president protested, “That’s way out of line! Wala namang personalan.”

Multiple Missus
Veteran journalist Marites Dañguilan Vitug revealed that Chief Justice Renato Corona’s wife Cristina once held five positions all at the same time at Camp John Hay in 2007: chairperson, president, chief executive officer, chief operating officer and board member. Mrs. Corona declined to react to the report while her four other personalities were unavailable for comment.

Hopeful
According to the latest Pulse Asia survey, about 9 in 10 Filipinos are optimistic about 2012. The other one was Mrs. Arroyo.

The Proposal
A radio reporter proposed to his girlfriend in front of President Aquino during Thursday’s Christmas party of the Malacañang Press Corps. The radio reporter is now barred from covering Malacañang for insulting the Chief Executive.

Ateneo Dethroned
An update on the recently concluded Philippine Collegiate Champions League: The San Sebastian Stags dethroned defending champions Ateneo Blue Eagles, 73-67. President Aquino who is an Atenean allegedly quipped, “May iba namang coronang pwedeng mawala, bakit ‘yon pa?”

TIME’s Choice
‘The Protester’ has been named by TIME magazine as Person of the Year. Huh? Why them? There are more deserving people on Earth. I do not understand! This is unfair! This isn’t just right! I totally disagree! I demand a recount! I protest! Booooo!

Kobe and Vanessa
Kobe Bryant and wife Vanessa are separating. The beautiful couple were together for 10 1/2 years. That’s equivalent to 53 Kris Humphries/Kim Kardashian marriages.

NBA superstar Kobe Bryant’s wife Vanessa has reportedly filed for divorce. Vanessa believes Kobe has been unfaithful… again. And Krista Ranillo was like, “Don’t look at me!”

Vanessa Bryant is divorcing 5-time NBA champ Kobe Bryant. I am confident that Chief Justice Corona and the Supreme Court will issue a TRO soon.

Team Kobe says Vanessa and Kobe Bryant have been having marital problems of late. That explains why before today’s training, Kobe led the team’s Bible study session.
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“The ‘morality of compromise’ sounds contradictory. Compromise is usually a sign of weakness, or an admission of defeat. Strong men don’t compromise, it is said, and principles should never be compromised.”
~Andrew Carnegie

You Have Spoken
Ano ang dapat maging sunod na hakbang ni Chief Justice Renato Corona?
– Resign! 38.41%
– Harapin ang trial sa Senado 52.25%
– Ewan. 9.34%

Merry Christmas! Happy weekend!

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