PARIS

Paris and the President
Rumors say socialite, hotel heiress and one-time sex video star Paris Hilton will meet with President Aquino in Malacañang. The rumor has prompted Standard & Poor’s, Moody’s, and Fitch to downgrade the Philippines’ IQ.

Internet reports say Paris Hilton will meet with President Aquino. The heiress and the hairless.

Unconfirmed reports say socialite and hotel heiress Paris Hilton will meet with President Aquino. Paris is planning to advise the President to try the Simple Life.

Malacañang has denied rumors that President Aquino will meet with the famous socialite. He’d rather spend time with his Marlboro lights.

Presidential spokesperson Edwin Lacierda clarified that contrary to initial reports, the President will not meet with Paris Hilton… much to the delight of model Georgina Wilson.

GMA’s Condition
Lawyer Raul Lambino was quoted to have said that doctors have advised former President Arroyo to seek medical treatment abroad. Or as critics would call it, asylum.

Substate
The Moro Islamic Liberation Front has proposed the creation of a Muslim “substate” within the republic. Some analysts believe it is actually feasible. If a “substate” worked for Makati City, it could also work for Mindanao.

Migz and Quiboloy
Davao-based Pastor Apollo Quiboloy of the Kingdom of Jesus Christ the Name Above Every Name has endorsed the appointment of former senator Juan Miguel Zubiri as Tourism secretary. There! He just doomed Zubiri’s chances.

Pastor Apollo Quiboloy praised Migz Zubiri for his “vision” and “charisma” making him a potential successor… to Quiboloy himself.

Remember what Audrey Tan-Zubiri told the media after Migz’ resignation? Audrey said, “We are going to make baby No. 3.” Well, guess what! The other night, the couple tried. Unfortunately, Zubiri did not finish; he quit.
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“Wal-Mart… do they like make walls there?”
~Paris Hilton


Quote of the Weak
“I had more panties than shoes. It’s true. I wore black panties. They displayed it and it was good all my panties were black. I had thousands of it.”
– Former First Lady Imelda Marcos

Extra! Extra!
Here’s your bi-monthly horoscope.

Elsewhere
Biz Buzz: ‘Twisting the truth’

PDI: Imeldific at 82

PDI: I found a tooth in my ice cream

You Have Spoken
Kung tatakbong senador sa 2013 si Migz Zubiri, iboboto mo ba siya?
-Pag-iisipan ko muna. Matagal pa naman. 33.88%
-Definitely not! 33.47%
-OO naman! In fairness, marami siyang nagawa! 32.64%

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Have a great week ahead!

BULLY


Weather Update
Isang bagyo ang namataang pabalik-balik sa Philippine area of responsibility. Namonitor ito sa timog, timog silangan ng Quirino Atoll sa West Philippine Sea. Kapag tuluyang pumasok sa bansa, ito ay tatawaging Bully. Si Bagyong Bully ay may international code name na China.

Si China ay may taglay na lakas na 290,000 active personnel at reserved personnel na umaabot sa bilang na 1,675,000 malapit sa gitna. Naninindigan si China na pag-aari niyang lahat ang mga islang kanyang tinatahak.

Nauna rito, naobserbahan din ang galaw ni China sa Reed Bank, 80 nautical miles mula sa kalupaan ng Pilipinas.

Kung magpapatuloy ang galaw ng bagyo ay magkakaroon ng manaka-nakang kulog at kidlat ng protesta. Ang temperatura ay maglalaro sa pagitan ng mainit at malamig na pakikitungo kay China.

Ang mga Pilipinong sundalo na nasa mga islang tinatahak ng bagyo ay pinapayuhang mag-ingat.

And for our final word this week:
“Ang tubig na tahimik ay malalim;
ang tubig na maingay,
may Intsik na naghuhukay.”

In It to Own It!
The Chinese government owns the Spratlys. Chinese businessmen ‘own’ Taal Lake. And the Chinese drug lords ‘own’ the Bureau of Corrections. Happy Independence Day everyone!

Kubols
Reports say the Department of Justice has deferred the dismantling of motel-like “kubols” inside the maximum-security compound of the New Bilibid Prisons. The report thrilled rich Chinese drug lords in Bilibid who earlier threatened to file a diplomatic protest if the DOJ pushed through with its plan.

From Weiner to Loser
New York Rep. Anthony Weiner admits he has been tweeting lewd photos of himself to women. In totally unrelated news, President Aquino’s speechwriter Mai Mislang has re-activated her Twitter account.

Congressman Anthony Weiner appeared on television earlier this week and apologized for his lapse in judgement.

New York Rep. Anthony Weiner admitted to lying about sending lewd pictures to women, and then, apologized. But Weiner still refuses to step down despite the withdrawal of support by the Hyatt 10.

Did you see the televised apology of New York Rep. Anthony Weiner after admitting that he had been sexting women? He appeared distressed, worried and sincere – doing exactly what Lupita Kashiwahara instructed him to do.

This just in: Cong. Anthony Weiner has expressed concern over the PLDT-Digitel merger. He can’t afford to lose SunCell’s unlitext.

Rare Finds
American and Filipino researchers have found 75 new and rare species of animals in the Philippines including laughing cicadas. A species of lawmaking crocodiles was also discovered but was later re-classified as common.

Governor Gone Wild
Did you know what happened in a local radio station in Kalinga province? A hard-hitting anchor was hit hard by the governor.

The governor of Kalinga confronted radio anchor Jerome Tabanganay and allegedly hit him with a microphone. The governor was identified as Jocel Baac more popularly known as >Divina Valencia.

Pacman & Paris
Interviewed on Jimmy Kimmel Live, Paris Hilton said she wanted to record a song with Manny Pacquiao. It will be a duet between a famous, filthy rich flirt, and Paris Hilton.

KC and Piolo
Tabloid reports say actor Piolo Pascual and tv host/actress KC Concepcion have called it quits. In all fairness to KC and Piolo, there were several people in showbiz who believed in their romance namely, both of them.
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“No matter how hard we might wish, we will not be able to transform China’s behavior overnight.”
~Madeleine Albright

Quote of the Weak
“Hindi ako agree sa divorce. Nasa Bibliya na bawal iano yung nasubo mo na, iluwa. Bawal mong iluwa yung nasubo mo na. Napakalaking kasalanan din ‘yon.”
~Sarangani Rep. Manny Pacquiao on divorce

You Have Spoken
Naniniwala ba kayong Samar Group ang dahilan kung bakit DoTC at hindi Presidential Chief of Staff post ang ibinigay kay Mar Roxas?
– Walang duda! Sila ang may pakana! 56.36%
– Katulad ng sabi ng Pangulo, espekulasyon lang ‘yan! 13.64%
– Abangan na lang natin. 30%

Have a safe and happy weekend!

64


SWS Survey
According to the latest Social Weather Stations survey Vice President Jejomar Binay’s satisfaction rating rose from +57 in November 2010 to +74 in March 2011. Thrilled by the survey results, Binay vowed that he wouldn’t fail his supporters; wouldn’t stop working hard, and wouldn’t buy a sports car.

Analysts say the sharp decline in President Aquino’s ratings is alarming. In fact, his approval rating is just a notch higher than Willie Revillame’s.

Noy and Ping
The Department of Foreign Affairs insists it did not issue any travel papers to Sen. Panfilo Lacson who was able to travel from country to country. That means, either he used fake travel documents or he was Pope for more than a year.


President Aquino met with Senator Panfilo Lacson in Malacañang on the same day three Filipinos were executed in China. No wonder, the President was nowhere to be found.

Reports say President Aquino and Senator Lacson talked for more than one hour. Rumors have it Aquino was too eager and overly excited to see his friend again. He was asking Lacson so many questions, the senator had to Google for answers.

Top 6 Things Overheard During the Aquino/Lacson Meeting

No. 6: “Astig ng tsikot natin ah. Puwedeng pa-try?”

No. 5: “Bakit nga ba natagalan ang paglabas mo? Wala ka yatang tiwala sa akin eh!”

No. 4: “Ayaw magkwento ni Shalani eh. Ano ba talagang nangyari sa inyong dalawa?”

No. 3: “Sabi mo natuto kang magluto sa Google. Ano ba ‘yong Google? Cooking show?”

No. 2: “Bahala ka na kay De Lima.”

No. 1: “Bahala ka na kay Mercedita.”


GMA Turns 64
Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo turns 64 today. I heard she’s not celebrating her birthday this year. You know, it’s not really a good sign when your age is higher than the number of your allies in Congress.

At dahil kaarawan ng dating pangulo, narito ang basa ng mga bituin sa kanyang kapalaran sa linggong ito at sa mga darating na araw. Mrs. Arroyo, makinig kayo:

Sa trabaho: Ituloy ang nasimulang kasipagan. ‘Yan na nga lang ang nag-iisang positive trait mo, huwag mo nang pakawalan.

Sa kalusugan: Ang palagiang pagtakbo palabas ng session hall kapag may nagtatalumpati laban sa ‘yo ay isang form of exercise. Just keep it up – kahit nagmumukha ka nang tanga.

Sa pag-ibig: Wala ka nang choice. S’ya na ‘yan! Magtiis ka na lang. Tutal, nagtititiis rin naman siya sa ‘yo. Patas lang.

Sa pakikitungo: Malalagay sa pagsubok ang pagkakaibigan n’yo ng isang babaeng may initials na OMG. Kumuha ng abogado bago mag-Mayo. Mabuti nang sure. Sabi nga ni Erap, “Been there, been that. You can never can tell.”

Sa pag-ibig: Nasabi ko na sa ‘taas. Hindi na magbabago ‘yon. Asa ka pa!

Ang iyong lucky color ay fuchsia. Inuulit ko lang – ang lucky ay ‘yong color, hindi ikaw.
Ang iyong lucky numbers ay idu-draw pa lang mamaya sa Pampanga. Maghintay!

At ‘yan ang espesyal na pangitain ng mga bituin sa kaarawan ng dating pangulo. Tandaan mo lamang Madam Gloria Macapagal-Aroyo, “Hindi hawak ng mga bituin ang iyong kapalaran, hawak ito ng Ombudsman!”

Modern Catholics
The other day, the CBCP announced that Catholics could do Visita Iglesia online! The 14 Stations of the Cross won’t be available in cyberspace this year but if you want to experience it yourself, just take the MRT/LRT during rush hour.

Smart Gilas Wows
The Philippine basketball team, Smart Gilas has been making waves as an all-amateur guest team in the PBA right now. Fans just love them. And who wouldn’t? They play like pros, and their basketball skills are so naturalized, I mean, natural.
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“Compromise makes a good umbrella, but a poor roof; it is temporary expedient, often wise in party politics, almost sure to be unwise in statesmanship.”
~James Russell Lowell


April 5th.
On this day in…

1994: Kurt Cobain killed himself with a shotgun.  After three days, the police started to suspect that something bad happened to the Nirvana frontman because, from the outside, his house smelled like teen spirit.

You Have Spoken!
Ano sa palagay mo: Child abuse nga ba ang nangyari kay “Janjan” sa show ni Willie Revillame?
– OO naman! Exploited ang bata both by the parents and the show. 78.95%
– Mga OA kayo! Inggit lang kayo kay Papi! 15.16%
– Haven’t seen the video. 5.89%

Elsewhere
Time Magazine: More Catholic than the Pope? Manila Suburb Cracks Down on Condoms

Find Your Fun via Find Your Fun.Ph

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Enjoy every moment of your life. Ingat!

CARJACK ARREST

The Liberal Party
First things first, happy anniversary to the Liberal Party! It is now 65 years old… or as Senator Loren Legarda would say, “husband material.”

The Liberal Party marked its 65th anniversary last Wednesday. Some say the party’s old, others insist it’s still young. You be judge: when the Liberal Party was founded, Senator Enrile was on his first term as senator.

On Wednesday, the Liberal Party unanimously elected Mar Roxas as party president… just two days after the Noy-Bi “party” unanimously elected Atty. Sixto Brillantes Jr. as Comelec chairman.

Noticeably, former senator Mar Roxas was in ‘barong Tagalog’ last Wednesday. Observers say had he insisted on wearing blue, he would have lost the presidency of the party.

Justifying his choice of Mar Roxas as “chief troubleshooter,” President Aquino says “I am no Superman who can do anything.” And then he went on to introduce Roxas to the guests by saying, “Ladies and Gentlemen, ‘MacGyver.’”

Former senator Mar Roxas denied that he would be more powerful than President Aquino once appointed in government. Well, that’s believable. How can you be more powerful than the country’s president when you can’t even be more powerful than your wife?

Carjacking
The Land Cruiser of restaurateur Margarita Fores, a cousin of former senator Mar Roxas was carjacked in Makati City last Wednesday. And Vice President Jejomar Binay was like, “Don’t look at me!”

Carjacking II
Malacañang admits it finds the spate of carjacking cases alarming. To prove its concern, the palace has assigned a group of men to watch over the President’s Porsche 24/7.

Looking Wow
The Philippine Daily Inquirer reported that former president and now Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo is making heads turn with her “svelte figure and glowing complexion.” Today, she has a 25-inch waistline… perfectly complementing her 25-inch height.

Congresswoman Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo says her waistline is down from 31 to 25 because of exercise and vegetable diet. Not to be outdone, former President Joseph Estrada says exercise and vegetables have also been helpful to him. In fact, his IQ is up from 80 to 89.

Winning Slogan
President Aquino’s “Kung Walang Corrupt, Walang Mahirap” campaign slogan won the PublicAffairsAsia’s Gold Standard Award for Political Communications. Meanwhile, the Department of Tourism lost in the poster making category.

Lapid’s New Bill
Saying, “We are being alienated in our very own country, and we are left to figure out for ourselves what these establishments are,” Sen. Lito Lapid filed a new bill seeking to require all signs, signboards, or billboards to be written either in Filipino or English. While waiting for the passage of his bill, Lapid vowed to boycott Le Souffle, Amici, Focaccia, Thien Duong, Mi Piace, Le Coeur de France, Schwarzwälder, and other establishments whose names he cannot pronounce.

Citing the “widespread emergence of restaurants and other specialty shops bearing signages in foreign languages,” former stuntman turned actor-politician Lito Lapid lamented, “Filipinos are left to wonder what these signages mean.” Lapid got the idea for his new bill from an embarrassing experience last week when he tried but failed to buy dishwashing paste from Häagen-Dazs.
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“Under democracy, one party always devotes its chief energies to trying to prove that the other party is unfit to rule – and both commonly succeed, and are right.”
~H.L. Mencken, 1956

Survey Says
Magiging patas kaya as Comelec Chairman si Atty. Sixto Brillantes Jr?
– Oo naman. 22.46%
– Hindi! 47.01%
– Sino siya? 30.54%

Personal
Tomorrow is Saturday. Try to join our game on Twitter between 9:30 and 11:30 in the evening. No need to register. Just follow me on Twitter, and be witty. Bawal ang pikon.

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Have a safe weekend! #teamlakers #beattheheat