DEAR PROFESSIONAL HECKLER

OF LATE, the Professional Heckler has been receiving emails, letters, text messages, and tweets from famous and not-so-famous Filipinos alike. Due to his hectic schedule though (as if), he was able to reply to each of those letters only now. Apologies. Here we go…

Dear Professional Heckler,
Isa akong inmate sa New Bilibid Prisons. Pakiramdam ko, may sakit ako sa puso. Puwede rin ba akong magpa-check up sa Philippine Heart Center?
Umaasa,
Bogart

Dear Bogart,
May alam ka bang kasalanan ni Gloria? Kung wala, tiisin mo na lang ang sakit mo sa puso.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Isa akong mapagpatol na tao. Halos kada linggo, nakikipagsagutan talaga ako. Wala akong inuurungan. Hindi ko pinapalampas ang mga patutsada ng aking mga kalaban. Sanga pala, gusto kong magtrabaho sa gobyerno. Saan ba ako puwede?
Yours truly,
Anton

Dear Anton,
Puwede ka sa Communications Group. Of course, advantage kung abogado ka. Kaya lang, wala pa yatang opening ngayon. Hindi kita matutulungan.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Hello! Kumusta kayong lahat!
Miss you,
Bedol

Dear Bedol,
Magkano?
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Hindi ko na kinakaya ang ginagawa nila sa akin. Nananahimik ako. Kumikirot ang aking leeg. Masama ang aking pakiramdam pero wala talaga silang awa. Ayaw nila akong tigilan. Kailan ba ito matatapos?
Saklolo,
Gloria

Dear Gloria,
Just do what is right, do what is best, and Raul Lambino will take care of the rest.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Isa akong dating halal na government official na natapos na ang termino. Wala na akong ginagawa. Mahilig ako sa balita at may magandang boses. Saan ako puwedeng mag-apply?
Yours truly,
Kagalang-galang na Ex-Official

Dear Kagalang-galang na Ex-Official,
With your credentials, perfect ka sa TV Patrol! Try mo!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Magkano ba ang presyo ng isang kilong galunggong ngayon? Would you know?
Curious,
Jamby

Dear Jamby,
Hanggang ngayon ba naman curious ka pa rin? I don’t eat fish. Sorry, I cannot answer your question.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Gusto kong maging state witness. Marami akong alam against GMA. Maniwala ka!
Desperado,
Zaldy

Dear Zaldy,
Sapak gusto mo?
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler
Ikaw ang kanlungan ng nangangailangan. Ikaw ang pag-asa at kinabukasan. Haplos mo ay lunas sa bawat pagal. Salamat sa iyong dampi ng pagmamahal.
Love,
Manny Garcia

Dear Manny Garcia,
Ulol!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Narinig ko po sa balita na posibleng ideklarang pangulo ang aking late Papa. Puwede rin ba akong tawaging former presidential daughter?
Tempting,
Lovidovi

Dear Lovidovi,
Magpaalam ka muna sa tunay na asawa ng iyong ama. I heard you’re not in good terms. Kapag pumayag siya, go! Kung hindi, huwag malungkot dahil ikaw naman ang former future First Lady ng first district of Ilocos Sur. ‘Musta na si Ronald?
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Oo! Handa na ako! Isisiwalat ko na ang lahat-lahat tungkol sa dayaan noong 2004 pero sa isang kondisyon. Gusto ko via phone patch.
Demanding,
Garci

Dear Garci,
Wala kang karapatang mag-demand, punyeta ka! Kung lalabas ka, bilisan mo para umabot sa SONA. At ‘wag mong itanong kung magkano! Wala nang budget ang palasyo!
Heckler

Deal Plofessional Hecklel,
Sabi mo iyo mga conglessman, sila wag na balik Pag-Asa Island. Amin buo isla! Kami una ari Splatlys Islands. Pag kayo hindi tigil, kayo invade namin. Undelstand?
Xie xie,
Mr. Chinese Ambassador

Dear Mr. Chinese Ambassador,
Ikaw huwag bully. Kayo sumbong namin Amelicans. Sila amin friendship. Sila tulong amin. Hindi kami takot. Teka lang, bakit ako ganito salita? At bakit ikaw basa nang basa. Mukha ka rin tanga.
Hecklel

Dear Professional Heckler,
Matagal nang nali-link ang mister kong kongresista sa isang sexy comedienne/TV host. Pero wala naman akong pruweba. Dapat ko ba siyang iwan?
Hu-hu-hu,
Angela

Dear Angela,
In the first place, hindi mo siya dapat pinakasalan dahil second cousin mo siya! Bahala ka sa buhay mo! Malaswaaaa!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Uuwi na ako. Malapit na. Puwede bang mag-stay pansamantala sa inyo?
Excited,
Ate Guy

Dear Ate Guy,
First of all, hanga ako sa ‘yo. Ikaw lang ang GUY na GIRL. Pero ‘di ako naniniwalang uuwi ka. Wala kang pamasahe! Casino ka kasi nang casino! Tigilan mo na ‘yan!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Panay na panay ang banat mo sa amin. Mag-ingat ka g*go! At ’wag na ‘wag kang pupunta sa aming siyudad kung ayaw mong mabugbog!
Galit na galit,
Sara, Rudy, and Paolo

Dear Sara, Rudy, and Paolo
Ito lang ang masasabi ko: [click here]
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
It’s in the news today! I lost at least 6 inches off my waist. Bilib ka na ba?
Nagmamahal,
Mega

Dear Mega,
Weh? ‘Di nga?
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Sabi nila, na-rape ako. Feeling ko naman, na-harass lang. Ewan ko ba! Kumuha na ako ng abogado. Ano ba ang dapat kong gawin?
Naguguluhan,
Amanda

Dear Amanda,
Nagkamali ka iha. Hindi dapat abogado ang kinuha mo kundi bato – ‘tapos ipinukpok mo sana sa ulo mo para natauhan ka. Flirt!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Itago mo na lang ako sa pangalang Piolo. Mayaman, maimpluwensya, mula sa iginagalang na pamilya at may mataas na posisyon sa pamahalaan. Fifty-one years old na ako pero wala pa rin akong girlfriend. Bakit kaya?
Worried,
Alias Piolo

Dear Piolo,
Pa-Piolo-Piolo ka pa d’yan utot mo! Kilala kita! Pinasok mo ang puwestong ‘yan, magtiis ka! ‘Tsaka… bago mo problemahin ang puso mo, asikasuhin mo muna ‘yang baga mo! Tumigil ka sa paninigarilyo! Okay? Good luck sa SONA mo! Bye!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
At present, I really need a brand-new car, possibly a 4 x 4. I am anticipating your favorable response on this regard. Be assured of my constant support. Thank you very much.
God Bless,
Bishop Pueblos

Dear Bishop Pueblos,
Wala ka talagang kadala-dala! ‘Tsaka anong “constant support” ang pinagsasasabi mo d’yan!? Hindi tayo magkakilala! Magtigil ka!
Heckler
———————————————————————————–
“From the beginning of our history the country has been afflicted with compromise. It is by compromise that human rights have been abandoned.”
~Charles Sumner

You Have Spoken
Kung mapatunayang nanalo nga si FPJ noong 2004, pabor ba kayo sa suhestyong isabit ang kanyang larawan sa palasyo?
-OO naman. 34.83%
-NO. 22.82%
-Ke isabit o hindi, ikakayaman ko ba ‘yan? 42.34%

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Enjoy the rest of the week!

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COMMUNICATORS


Communications Group
President Aquino’s much-ballyhooed Communications Group will have two leaders – broadcast journalist Ricky Carandang and columnist Herminio Coloma. In appointing two heads, the President hopes to clearly relay his message to the public; draw feedback from them, and silence the warring factions in his government.

SONA Leak
Some palace reporters believe somebody in Malacañang gave ABS-CBN an advance copy of President Aquino’s speech last Monday. According to the Inquirer, ABS-CBN’s Facebook account posted a copy of the President’s speech even before he could finish his SONA. In another news dismissed by ABS-CBN as totally irrelevant, Ricky Carandang and Ces Drilon have been voted as News & Public Affairs’ most beautiful couple.

SONA Leak II
Reports say a copy of President Aquino’s SONA was leaked to ABS-CBN last Monday… something that’s not surprising since ABS-CBN is a government station.

Three Spokesmen
The President will soon have three spokespersons: Herminio Coloma, Edwin Lacierda, and Ricky Carandang. One to create the message; another to fine-tune it, and a third to leak it.

THIS JUST IN! Unverified reports say the Communications Group will soon produce a TV show for President Noynoy Aquino. The program will be similar to Mrs. Arroyo’s “The Working President.” It will be called, “The Shooting President.”


NFA & Rice
Angelito Banayo, the new administrator of the National Food Authority said the agency’s recent inventory showed there are no rotten rice stocks in its warehouses. But another inventory showed there still are rotten officials left in NFA offices.

NFA & Rice II
Assuring that the country has sufficient rice stocks up to the end of the year, NFA administrator Lito Banayo said, “Naliligo po kami sa bigas” – to which MWSS executives said, “Wala kayo sa amin. Naliligo kami sa bonuses.”


Pacquiao’s Speech
In his first privilege speech as a member of Congress, Sarangani Rep. Manny Pacquiao quoted a line from the Hollywood film “Spiderman,” ring announcer Michael Buffer, and American poet Robert Frost. And everyone agreed – his speech was more shocking than the president’s.

Pacquiao’s Speech II
In flawless English, Sarangani Rep. Manny Pacquiao delivered Tuesday his first ever privilege speech. Pacquiao was interrupted at least five times by applause, and thrice to look up a word in the dictionary.

Accurate Polls
According to random manual audit conducted by the National Statistics Office, results of the May 10 automated elections were 99.6 percent accurate, or as former senator Mar Roxas would insist, “It’s 0.4 percent wrong!”

Announcement
Are you a drug user who plans to travel abroad? Do you carry 26.1 grams of cocaine and two tablets of diazepam? Worry no more! NAIA security will never detect you!

Rumors say some friends of Ilocos Sur Rep. Ronald Singson who is still languishing in a Hong Kong correctional facility want him to get treatment when he is released. Nope, not the type offered by NAIA; not special treatment.

Top 5 Sayings for Ilocos Sur Rep. Ronald Singson

No. 5: Hindi lahat ng kumikinang ay foil.

No. 4: Aanhin pa ang damo kung cocaine na ang uso

No. 3: Batu-bato sa langit, ang tamaan ay addict!

No. 2: Ang lumalakad nang matulin, may ‘tinatagong cocaine

And the No 1. saying for Ilocos Sur Rep. Ronald Singson…

To err is human, to sniff is divine.

Makati Condo Problem
Do you still remember the gas leak at the West Tower condominium in Barangay Bangkal, Makati City? At press time, investigators have yet to identify the source of the leak… although Ricky Carandang is now a suspect.
————–
“We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.”
~Epictetus

Survey Says…
Were you shocked by President Aquino’s State of the Nation Address?
– Oo naman! Shocking talaga! 31%
– Sus! Anong shocking do’n? 57%
– I didn’t hear it. Walang TV sa office. Hmpf! 12%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Have a safe weekend everyone!

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