MARCH 30, 2011 was a sad day for Filipinos here and around the globe. Three OFWs were executed in China. Yesterday, as the nation mourned for Sally Ordinario-Villanueva, Ramon Credo, and Elizabeth Batain, Filipinos asked, “Why did this happen?” “How do we prevent a similar thing from happening again?” And… “Where in hell is the President?”

Sally Ordinario-Villanueva, Ramon Credo, and Elizabeth Batain have been executed in China. As some of their relatives wept searching for justice, the rest of us wondered, searching for the President.

Asked about President Aquino’s reaction when he learned about the executions, palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda said, “He was silent.” Like, duhhhh! Tell us something we didn’t know.

According to presidential spokesman Edwin Lacierda, when President Aquino learned about the executions, he went to the Malacañang chapel and prayed. That’s the exact reaction I was expecting from the president… of the CBCP.

Vice President Jejomar Binay has failed to save the lives of the three OFWs. If it’s any consolation, he saved the day for the President.

While in Qatar, Vice President Jejomar Binay spoke on radio and television saying, “Until the last moment, we did everything we could to save the three.” Meanwhile, in Malacañang, until the last moment, the President was in silence, praying hard.

In a statement released Wednesday afternoon, President Aquino said the execution of the three OFWs should not affect the “historic friendship” of the country with the Chinese people. The same way that China’s “historic friendship” with the Filipino people was not affected by the “execution” of eight Hong Kong Chinese nationals in Luneta last year.

Nope! There’s no truth to rumors that while the executions of the three OFWs were taking place, President Aquino was monitoring the news at Emerald Restaurant.

House Speaker Feliciano Belmonte Jr. said airport authorities should be stricter in screening people to stop drug trafficking. Congress first.

In other news…
Justice Secretary Leila De Lima has dared Sen. Panfilo Lacson to reveal the names of his coddlers. But Lacson declined, and offered to reveal instead the secret ingredient of his mouth-watering adobo.

Marcos’ Burial
A Social Weather Stations survey showed that 50 percent of Filipinos favored the burial of former President Marcos at the Libingan ng mga Bayani. You know what that means? Fifty percent of Filipinos have amnesia.

Chiz and Cristine
Rumors have it that Sen. Francis Escudero and wife Christine have separated. Sought for comment, Escudero said, “Ang asawa ko ay ang Pilipinas.”

A Philippine Entertainment Portal article claims Senator Chiz Escudero’s wife Christine was spotted at Trinoma Mall in Quezon City with dancer Jason Zamora of the Manoeuvres. Escudero has kept mum on the issue and refuses to answer the question, “Ang asawa mo ba, may B (boylet)?”

March 31st
On this day in…

1521: The first mass is celebrated at Limasawa Island in the Philippines by Father Pedro de Valderrama. But the mass was briefly interrupted when Carlos Celdran stormed the altar and held a sign that read, “Mabuhay si Lapu-Lapu!”

1596: Philosopher Rene Descartes was born. That’s what he thought, therefore he was.

1917: The United States purchases, and takes possession of the Virgin Islands. And the virginity was lost forever.

1942: Japanese forces invade Christmas Island… in an attempt to unmask the identity of Santa Claus.

1945: Sicherheitsdienst, the intelligence agency of Nazi Germany’s Nazi Party murders 10 political prisoners in Zutphen, Netherlands. The victims were killed when they failed to pronounce Sicherheitsdienst correctly.

1949: Newfoundland becomes Canada’s 10th province. Who cares?!
“The death of someone we know always reminds us that we are still alive – perhaps for some purpose which we ought to re-examine.”
~Mignon McLaughlin

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Let’s celebrate life. Enjoy the rest of the week. Take care ‘coz PH cares.


PRESIDENT-ELECT Noynoy Aquino’s youngest sister, Kris has announced on nationwide TV that her marriage to basketball star James Yap is over. Reliable sources say a woman caused the split. She was identified as Kris Aquino.

Incoming First Sister Kris Aquino admitted Sunday that her (almost) five-year marriage to basketeer James Yap is over. James has yet to issue an official statement but close friends say the cager is elated by the commutation of his life sentence.

An unimpeachable source has revealed that while James may have lost a woman in his life, the PBA star is unfazed. After all, there’s still Hope.

Top 10 Reactions to Kris Aquino’s Announcement that Her Marriage to James Yap is Over

No. 10: Manny Pacquiao: “Una sa lahat, pasalamat aku sa ateng Mahal na Panginuun. At sa mga kababayan natin sa walang sawang pagsupurta. Basta magdasal lang kayu lagi at malalagpasan n’yu ‘yan. Kay James, kaya mu ‘yan. Kenaya ku nga ih… you know.”

No. 9: Francis Escudero: “Ang bise presidente ko… may B, at mestiza pa! Ang mister mo ba… may ‘B’ rin?”

No. 8: Noli De Castro: “Bakit ka mangungupahan pa, kung kaya namang sa Times Street na?”

No. 7: Teddyboy Locsin: “Sonofabitch! Na naman?!?”

No. 6: James Yap:Hello, Mayen? Puwede bang d’yan muna ako matulog? Kailangan ko lang ng kausap.”

No. 5: Manny Villar: “Nag-Pasko ka na bang wala ang iyong asawa? Naranasan mo na bang mawalan ng kabiyak kahit ikaw ay mapera? Pwes… ngayon, mararanasan mo na!”

No. 4: Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo: “As my father would always tell me, just do what ish right. Do what ish best, and God will take care of the ressht. Sa totoo lang, ‘noh?”

No. 3: Korina Sanchez: “What?!? Iniwan niya si James Yap?!? ‘Sabagay, nasa dugo naman nila ang nang-iiwan. ‘Di ba Mar?”

No. 2: SWS and Pulse Asia: “Magkakabalikan, 51 percent; Hindi Magkakabalikan, 47 percent; Vetellano Acosta, 2 percent.”

And the No. 1 reaction to Kris Aquino’s announcement that her marriage to James Yap is over…

James Yap’s PBA Teammates: “Pa-cheeseburger ka naman! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!”

“Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.”
~Irwin Corey

Have a productive and safe week ahead!


Back To School
Classes officially opened today, June 15. For newbies, it’s when they start to learn, experiment, meet new friends and enemies, get mocked and sometimes, bullied by more powerful people around them, and then evaluated with a pass or fail grade… exactly the same things that await our new president on June 30.

School and Pacman
Just a few hours after he arrived yesterday from Canada, Manny Pacquiao was present on Day 1 of his 10-day certificate course at the Development Academy of the Philippines. Rumors say though Pacquiao went home disappointed when he learned that sex education wouldn’t be part of the curriculum.

Something odd happened on Day 1 of Manny Pacquiao’s 10-day certificate course at the Development Academy of the Philippines in Pasig City. Pacquiao refused to leave the classroom… and waited for the final bell.

Lecturers at the Development Academy of the Philippines plan to orient Jinkee Pacquiao on the role of a Congressional spouse. Jinkee, who joined Pacman at the DAP yesterday, was reportedly shocked when lecturers informed her that wives of congressmen have other things to do aside from shopping.

Manny Pacquiao is returning to school after winning the congressional race in Sarangani Province. Meanwhile, his opponent, Roy Chiongbian is starting a career in boxing.

Net Worth
Based on his 2009 Statement of Assets and Liabilities, Sen. Manny Villar is still the richest senator with a net worth of 947.88 million pesos. That figure could have been higher if Villar didn’t try to buy the entire country during the campaign.

Noynoy’s Media Men
President-elect Noynoy Aquino has chosen ANC host and Inquirer columnist Manuel Quezon III as his spokesperson for inauguration-related news while award-winning journalist and ANC anchor Ramon ‘Ricky” Carandang will reportedly be part of Noynoy’s media group. There’s no truth to rumors though that ANC has replaced NBN4 as the official government station.

Noynoy’s Plea
President-elect Noynoy Aquino is trying to reconcile his allies who disagree because of politics. The other day, he called on Mar Roxas and Chiz Escudero to settle their differences. If Noynoy succeeds in uniting Mar and Chiz, he’ll then try to reconcile Korina and Kris.

Reports say President-elect Noynoy Aquino wants Mar Roxas and Chiz Escudero to make up. Joey Salceda volunteers to help.

Noynoy’s Inauguration
On June 30, President-elect Noynoy Aquino will take his oath before Associate Justice Conchita Carpio-Morales. The swearing in will take place at the Quirino Grandstand. On the same night, Korina Sanchez is expected to swear before Mar Roxas at the Araneta Center in Cubao.

The June 30 inauguration of the new president will include Noynoy Aquino’s traditional ride with outgoing president Gloria Arroyo. This early, Noynoy has been practicing, trying to perfect a jump from a speeding vehicle before it hits the grandstand’s concrete fence.

Noynoy’s Designers
According to ABS-CBN News, five designers – JC Buendia, Ivarluski Aseron, Randy Ortiz, Paul Cabral, and Joey Samson will dress up President-elect Noynoy Aquino during his 6-year term. The five fashion experts described the opportunity to enchance Noynoy’s looks… as their toughest job yet.

Noynoy’s Cabinet
President-elect Noynoy Aquino says the composition of his cabinet will be known this week. So far, nine have already said yes to his invitation to join his administration. They are Dinky Soliman (DSWD), Ding Deles (peace process), Jojo Ochoa (executive secretary), Edwin Lacierda (spokesman) and the five designers.

Jejomar or Jesse?
President-elect Noynoy Aquino is reportedly choosing between Vice President-elect Jejomar Binay and Naga City mayor Jesse Robredo for the DILG post. Binay has been vocal about his desire to take on the DILG portfolio but members of the civil society want Robredo. Since it’s a hell of a dilemma, Noynoy plans to consult Madam Auring.

Miss U 2008 in RP
The 2008 Miss Universe from Venezuela, Dayana Mendoza, and now Smartmatic’s Ambassador for Transparency is in the country to personally congratulate Filipinos for the peaceful conduct of elections. Meanwhile, in totally unrelated news, outgoing senator Jamby Madrigal and outgoing Quezon City Rep Annie Susano have both retracted their accusations against Smartmatic and congratulated the IT group for a job well done.
“If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
~ Derek Curtis Bok

Briefly Noted
FM for Marcos. FVR for Ramos. PGMA for Gloria. And now PNoy for Aquino? WTF! Puwede ba, tigilan na ang pagpapauso ng kung anu-anong pagpapapogi. The campaign is over. He is the president now! Use PNA for President Noynoy Aquino. Besides, (and no offense) we don’t want Visayans to call him Penoy, do we? Sounds like infertile egg to me.

Survey Says
Pabor ba kayo sa pagkakaroon ng revolving First Ladies (Ballsy, Pinky, Viel and Kris)?
Why not? Try natin! 30%
‘Wag na lang. Parang magulo. 27%
Ayaw ko na ‘yang problem

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

UP Professor Solita Monsod (BusinessWorld): How to solve a problem like Jejomar Binay

Newsbreak: For most nat’l candidates, bailiwicks didn’t deliver

Still, Lakers! Believe.
‘Nuff said.

The Who
It happened during an out-of-town show. After the program, the cast and crew went swimming. Everyone had fun except for promising new actor who felt so uncomfortable because closet TV host (CTV) kept hitting on him. “Binakuran” – as one witness described it. Was CTV ‘successful?’ Sources say, na-ah. Bokya!

If you want to know the identity of the CTV, just ask Susan Sarandon and Helena Bonham Carter and they’ll surely respond in the affirmative. As for the promising actor, his name reminds us of one of the best presidents we never had.

Enjoy the rest of the week!

April 22nd
On this date in…

1500: Portuguese navigator Pedro Álvares Cabral becomes the first European to sight Brazil. Amazon tribesmen didn’t notice the Portuguese were coming because they were so busy playing soccer.

1870: Communist revolutionary Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov (Lenin) is born in Simbirsk, Russia. To ‘celebrate’ his birth, Communists all over the world simultaneously torched several cell sites.

1970: The first Earth Day is celebrated to promote environmental protection. Forty years later, the earth is at its worst condition ever, proving that the annual celebration is a failure.

1998: Disney’s Animal Kingdom opens at Walt Disney World near Orlando, Florida. Moments later, members of the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals or PETA gathered outside the theme park and demanded the release of all animals.

2000: In a pre-dawn raid, federal agents seize six-year-old Elián González from his relatives’ home in Miami, Florida… totally crushing the boy’s dreams of visiting Walt Disney’s Animal Kingdom.

1970: A beautiful bouncing baby girl named Regina Encarnacion “Chona” Velasquez is born. Sixteen years later, she would use a new name (Regine), and a new nose.

Thanks to Wikipedia and BBC On This Day.

It’s Earth Day today!
To save energy (and resources)…

Sen. Richard Gordon shall try to speak 150 words per minute (less than his “normal” average of 400 wpm).

Sen. Francis Escudero shall use more periods in his speeches, and limit his sentences to an average of 10 words.

Kris Aquino will limit her use of “Noy,” “Baby James,” “Ballsy,” “Pinky,” “Viel,” “mom ko,” and “dad ko” on TV to two times per segment instead of the usual five.

The Philippine Daily Inquirer will limit the news, and column items on Noynoy Aquino and his family to accommodate more Earth Day-related articles.

Tabloids will limit their pages to four. As James Watt lamented in 1982, did you know how many good trees were cut to put out bad newspapers?

And lastly, Sen. Manuel Villar shall limit his political ads to two lies per 30-seconds… an improvement from the usual seven lies per ad.

“The activist is not the man who says the river is dirty. The activist is the man who cleans up the river.”
~Ross Perot

Thank you Cebu Bloggers Society for appreciating what I do. Credit goes to the readers whose incredible grasp of the daily goings-on in this country makes political humor blogging much easier. Again, daghang salamat!


YOU’VE SEEN THEM debate on TV. You’ve heard them trade barbs on radio, and you’ve read about them online and in the papers. But really, how well do you know your favorite candidates? Are you monitoring their activities religiously? How updated are you with the goings-on in our country? Take this short quiz to find out.

1) At a forum held last January 9, 2010 at De La Salle-Zobel School in Alabang, Muntinlupa City, Liberal Party standard-bearer Noynoy Aquino was asked to comment on his declining lead over Sen. Manny Villar based on the latest Social Weather Stations survey. What did Noynoy say?
A: “Bigyan n’yo po muna ako ng pagkakataong makapag-retreat ng tatlong araw upang makunsulta ko na rin ang Pink Sisters hinggil sa bagay na ‘yan. Maraming salamat po sa inyong pang-unawa.”
B: “Ah, may survey na matino, may survey na nabibili siguro sa Quiapo.”
C: “Sandali. May prepared statement ako tungkol d‘yan.”

2) Complete this line from Sen. Manny Villar’s TV ad: “Nakaligo ka na ba sa _____ __ ______?
A: “… dagat ng pera”
B: “… double budget na kalsada”
C: “… dagat ng basura”

3) What was the title of the Rico Blanco-penned composition allegedly used without permission by Gilbert Teodoro in his political advertisement?
A: Posible
B: Sorry Na, Pwede Ba
C: Nakaw na Sandali

4) “It is not Facebook that matters here; it is not your face that matters. It is the book of accounts.” Who said this line to whom?
A: Sen. Loren Legarda to Vicki Belo and Ellen Lising
B: Sen. Richard Gordon to Sen. Noynoy Aquino
C: Sen. Manny Villar to his wife Cynthia

5) When Sen. Francis Escudero quit the Nationalist People’s Coalition, he said, “Sinuman pong nagpaplanong tumakbo bilang pangulo ng bansa, wala dapat partidong kinabibilangan. Ang partido lamang dapat niya ay _____________.”
A: “Partido Komunista ng Pilipinas”
B: “Partidong handang maglaan ng malaking pondo para sa kampanya.”
C: “Pilipinas.”

6) According to defense lawyer Sigfrid Fortun, Maguindanao massacre principal suspect Andal Ampatuan Jr could speak neither English nor Filipino. Fortun insisted that Andal was conversant only in what language?
A: A mix of Yiddish and Basque
B: Maguindanaoan
C: F*ck Fortun! F*ck both of them! Liars!

7) Manny Villar : Gilbert Remulla | | Joseph Estrada : Margaux Salcedo | |
Noynoy Aquino : _____________?

A: Edwin Lacierda
B: Conrado De Quiros
C: SNN & The Buzz

8: Identify the three members of the Commission on Elections Second Division who junked the application for accreditation of the party-list group “Ang Ladlad” for allegedly “tolerating immorality.”
A: Larry, Curly, and Moe
B: Nicodemo Ferrer, Lucenito Tagle and Ellias Yusoph
C: Judas, Barrabas, and Hestas

9) In defending the poll body’s rejection of Ang Ladlad’s application for party-list accreditation, Comelec 2nd Division chairman Nicodemo Ferrer once said…
A: “They’re just not my type!”
B: “Gays are overly represented in Congress.”
C: “God knows Hudas not straight.”

10) Of the three Jun Lozadas shown here, who is running for senator?

11) “Madami pa siyang makikilalang iba na single ‘di ba? Bakit kailangan pang sa may asawa?” Who said this line to whom?
A: Loi Estrada to Guia Gomez
B: Jinkee Pacquiao to Krista Ranillo
C: Angela Montenegro-Arroyo to Rufa Mae Quinto

12) What moniker was coined by Gilbert Remulla to describe presidential candidate Jamby Madrigal whom he accused of originating “unsubstantiated allegations” and “false claims” against her adversaries?
A: “Kuryente Queen”
B: “King of Hurts”
C: “Jack of All Tirades”

[Answers are found at the end of the blog post.]

Photo of the Weak
Ano ang angkop na caption, pamagat o deskripsyon sa larawang ito?

A: “Kung wala lang ‘yang security aide mo, inupakan na kita.”
B: “Akalain mo ‘yun?! Inabot ka ng nine years samantalang ako, ‘di man lang nakatatlo.”
C: “Sige, ngiti ka lang. Tingnan ko lang kung makangiti ka pa ‘pag nanalo si Noynoy.”
D: “Shabi ko na nga ba eh! After nine yearsshh, after nine long yearss, bitter ka pa rin.”
E: “O, may newsh crew. ‘Wag sishimangot unlessh gushto mong pag-ushapan tayo.”
“Rivalry adds so much to the charms of one’s conquests.”
~Louisa May Alcott

Survey Says
If Joseph Estrada decides to quit the race, who would benefit the most?

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

– Here’s a fearless forecast: Karen Davila will eventually transfer to ABC5 now that her husband, DJ Sta. Ana has joined the News and Public Affairs department of Mediaquest Holdings’ newest acquisition.

– Loyal viewers of TV5’s T.E.N. (The Evening News) hosted by the amiable trio of veteran journalists Jove Francisco, Martin Andanar and Cherry Mercado have appealed to Mediaquest Holding’s supreme god Manny V. Pangilinan NOT to cancel the news program.

– Here’s the list of the World’s Best and Worst Jobs 2010

Stay healthy!
Answers to Quiz
1B 2C 3A 4B 5C 6B 7A 8B 9B 10A 11B 12A


villarlren Villar’s VP?
Without naming names, senatorial aspirant Adel Tamano of the Nacionalista Party says Sen. Manuel Villar Jr.’s running mate possesses the “3M” qualities: “maganda,” “matalino,” and “maka-kalikasan.” Vice presidential aspirant Loren Legarda who felt alluded to, said her presidential running mate also possessed the “3M” qualities: “masipag,” “matiyaga” and “malapit nang magpanic kapag ‘di pa ako nag-yes sa kanyang offer.”

Gibo’s VP
The ruling Lakas-Kampi-CMD Party has reportedly given up efforts to lure Sen. Loren Legarda into teaming up with Defense Sec. Gilbert Teodoro. With this development, the ruling coalition’s choice for vice president is now down to two: “John” and “Jane Doe.”

binay Binay’s Birthday
Birthday boy Jejomar Binay is celebrating his 67th birthday on November 11. Political observers doubt though if he’s really 67 years old… because he’s been mayor of Makati City for like half a century.

Binay’s Birthday II
Last Monday, November 9, Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay and his wife, former Makati City mayor Dr. Elenita Binay hosted a star-studded joint birthday party at the A. Venue Mall in Makati City. Opposition stalwarts and supporters were all present… except for Sen. Chiz Escudero who has made himself clear that he no longer believes in parties.

Binay’s Birthday III
Braving the dangerous traffic and the menacing stare of a Makati traffic enforcer, I personally took a photo of this eye-catching tarpaulin at the corner of Makati Avenue and JP Rizal St. in Makati City around 4pm, Tuesday.
Sampung Katanungang Naglaro sa Aking Isipan Matapos Kong Masilayan ang Tarpaulin ni Jose De Venecia III Para Kay Makati City Mayor Jejomar Cabauatan Binay, Birthday Boy

Una: Bakit kailangang idaan sa tarpaulin ang pagbati?

Pangalawa: Hindi ba niya alam ang cellphone number o landline ni Mayor Binay upang mabati niya ito ng personal?

Pangatlo: Bakit sa panulukan pa ng JP Rizal St. at Makati Avenue inilagay ang tarpaulin gayong pwede naman itong isabit sa harap ng bahay ng mga Binay o kaya ay sa city hall upang mas madaling makita ng may kaarawan?

Pang-apat: Kailangan ba talagang may larawan pa ni Joey De Venecia sa tarpaulin?

Panglima: Hindi pa ba siya kilala ni Mayor Binay kaya’t kinailangan pang i-imprenta ang kanyang mukha?

Pang-anim: Titigan ang larawan at sagutin: Ano ang kahalagahan o kaugnayan ng website ni Joey De Venecia sa kaarawan ni Mayor Binay?

Pampito: Kung nabasa ni Mayor Binay ang naturang pagbati, sa palagay n’yo ba ay magpapagawa din ito ng tarpaulin upang iparating ang mensaheng ito: “Maraming salamat sa iyong pagbati Joey De Venecia III! From Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay http://www.makati.gov.ph” Kung oo, saang panulukan naman kaya niya isasabit ang tarpaulin?

Pangwalo: Bakit parang galit na galit ako sa naturang tarpaulin? Ikaw, anong nararamdaman mo?

Pangsiyam: Bakit kailangan ko pang magtanong gayong alam ko na naman ang sagot?

At pansampu: Ilang daang “Joey De Venecia III” pa kaya sa iba’t ibang panig ng bansa ang magsasabit ng tarpaulin sa mga lansangan, panulukan, gusali, at poste ng kuryente bago dumating ang halalan?

miriam_puno Santiago vs. Puno
Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago asked the Senate to file plunder charges against former DPWH Road Board Executive Director Rodolfo ‘Dodie’ Puno for the alleged misuse of some P60.5 billion in road users’ tax. Criticizing Puno’s lavish lifestyle, Santiago also threatened to reveal the names of his mistresses and girlfriends… to which Tonyboy Cojuangco said, “That is not a good idea.”

oil_freeze Petroleum Shortage?
Echoing the oil firms’ opposition to the government-imposed fuel price freeze in Luzon, the honorable Angelo Reyes says the country’s inventory of imported petroleum products is just enough for 13 days. But that’s still good news considering the fact that the government has no energy secretary for more than two years now.

alvin flores gang Alvin Flores Gang
Remember last week’s raid on the suspected hideout of the notorious Alvin Flores Gang in Bulacan? The raid yielded high-powered guns and ammunitions, grenade launchers, two-way radios, and Alvin Flores’ two used faces.

Alvin Flores Gang II
The doctor who performed cosmetic surgery on Alvin Flores revealed that the notorious gang leader was gay and wanted to look like BB Gandanghari. The surgeon also confirmed a gang member’s revelation that the Rolex heist in Greenbelt was a mistake. Flores’ original target was L’Oréal.
“Leadership has been defined as the ability to hide your panic from others.”

Just Asking
Philippine Daily Inquirer’s Conrado De Quiros originated it.
Other columnists concurred.
The Liberal Party adopted it.
“The 2010 election is a fight between good and evil,” i.e. Noynoy and the Liberals, the good side; GMA and her allies, the evil side.
Over the weekend, several allies of GMA defected to the Liberal Party, and more are expected to jump ship as the deadline for the filing of the certificates of candidacy nears. Question: Does the shift in allegiance automatically make the turncoats “good,’ or do they remain evil?

Just So You Know
A radio serial drama on the life, love, and rise to fame of MMDA Chairman Bayani Fernando is being aired on DZRH 666kHz. The 14-part series is called “Ang Manggagawa.” And this just in! Sen. Chiz Escudero has expressed interest in serializing his life story too. The tentative title, “Ang Mang-nga-ngawa!”

Light Bites
Q: Why did Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago reject the offer of President Arroyo to become DENR secretary?
A: Galit siya sa mga PUNO.

If you have original “political” images similar to that JDVIII photo above, you may email them to The Professional Heckler: professionalheckler@yahoo.com Pictures taken using cellular phones are just fine. Chosen photos will be used in future blog posts. Senders will be acknowledged. Thank you so much.

Lastly, for featuring yet again this blog on ANC’s Strictly Politics, thank you so much Ms. Pia Hontiveros. Catch her show every Tuesday, 8:00 to 9:00 PM on the ABS-CBN News Channel.


deathbed_ BEFORE HE TOOK HIS last breath, Ludwig van Beethoven said, “Friends applaud, the comedy is finished.” Sir Winston Churchill, before falling into a coma murmured, “I’m bored with it all.” And facing his assassin Mario Teran, a Bolivian soldier, Ernesto “Che” Guevara uttered, “I know you have come to kill me. Shoot coward, you are only going to kill a man.” Locally, how could showbiz people forget the suicide note of ‘80s bold star Stella Strada? Her final words? “This is a crazy planets!”

As a post-Halloween post, here’s an updated version of my 2007 and 2008 article titled…

Top 20 Last Words and Deathbed Statements of Local Political Figures and Celebrities

No. 20: Boy Abunda: “Now na!”

No. 19: Madam Auring: “Nakikita ko, nararamdaman ko, hahaba pa ang aking buhay.” (Then, she dies.)

No. 18: DILG Sec. Ronaldo Puno: “I’m fed up with life!”

No. 17: Annabelle Rama: “Dung, malakas ang kutob ku dung, nilason ako ni Wilma Galvanti dung!

No. 16: Kris Aquino: “Hay naku Boy, sabi mo sabay tayo? Nag-promise ka kay Mom, remember? Gosh, kainis ka!”

No. 15: Conrado De Quiros: “30.”

No. 14: Sen. Manny Villar: “60.”

No. 13: Sen. Mar Roxas: “Ramdam ko na… ramdam ko na!” (Gasps for air) ‘Tang-i*aaaa! Puwede bang mag-give way na lang ako?”

No. 12: Korina Sanchez: “Ikaw ang minimithi ng aking puso. Ikaw ang napili kong maging kasama at katabi sa buhay. Ipinapangako ko sa ‘yo na ako ay sa ‘yo. Noon, ngayon at bukas, ako’y iyung-iyo… Lord.”

No. 11: Manny Pacquiao: “You know, I am die and I am ready kaya gusto kong ‘pasalamat sa ating mga kababayan at sa Panginoon sa walang sawang pagsupurta sa akin.”

No. 10: Sen. Panfilo Lacson: “Mr. President and distinguished colleagues, before I die, allow me to unmask the real Joseph Ejercito Estrada.”

No. 9: Sen. Lito Lapid: “Puwede bang mamatay na lang? Wala akong inihandang speech eh.”

No. 8: President Arroyo: “God, wala na ba talagang extension?”

No. 7: Sen. Loren Legarda: “I have already made a decision. I am definitely dying with or without a mate by my deathbed.”

No. 6: Defense Sec. Gilbert Teodoro: [See ‘President Arroyo’]

No. 5: Mayor Jejomar Binay: “Sa Makati, libre ang ospital. Sa Makati, libre ang burol. Sa Makati, libre ang libing. Wala akong gagastusin kapag namatay ako sa Makati. Sana, ganito rin sa inyo kapag kayo ang namatay.”

No. 4: Joseph Estrada: “Sinong maysabing hindi ako pwedeng mamatay? Let the people decide! Vox Ernie, Vox Dei. The voice of Manong Maceda is the voice of God.”

No. 3: Sen. Noynoy Aquino: “Hinihiling ko po sa inyo na kung maaari lamang sana ay bigyan n’yo ako ng ilang araw upang makapag-isip at kumunsulta sa Pink Sisters kung dapat na ba akong pumanaw o hindi pa.”

No. 2: Cong. Mikey Arroyo: “O, eto huh! Baka magtaka na naman ang mga investigative reporters at si Tita Winnie Monsod kapag tumaas ang aking net worth sa ipa-file kong Statement of Assets and Liabilities (SALN) next year. Ngayon pa lang sinasabi ko na sa inyo: hindi ill-gotten ‘yan. Galing ‘yan sa magiging abuloy at donasyon kapag namatay ako.”

And the No. 1 deathbed statement of a political figure or celebrity…

Sen. Francis Escudero: “Nais kong ipabatid sa inyong lahat na nagpasya na akong talikuran ang aking pagiging Romano Katoliko dahil naniniwala ako na sinumang nilikha na malapit nang makipagkita sa Panginoong Maykapal ay hindi dapat miyembro o kaanib ng anumang relihiyon, sekta, o kulto upang malaya siyang makapagpasya na siya lang – walang busal sa bibig at walang nagdidikta, alang-alang na rin sa ikakapanatag ng kanyang damdamin at ikaliligtas ng kanyang kaluluwa.”

“With death comes honesty.”
~Salman Rushdie, The Satanic Verses

I just wanna share my Facebook status (November 3):
“Binigyan kayo ng isang buong taon upang magparehistro ngunit hindi n’yo ginawa. Sa tatlong daan at animnapu’t limang araw na inilaan sa pagpapatala, kinse minutos lamang ang gugugulin n’yo doon. Pero binalewala n’yo ang pagkakataon. Ngayon, may KAPAL PA KAYO NG MUKHA at TIBAY NG SIKMURA na magreklamo dahil inabutan kayo ng deadline? Kung gusto n’yo ng pagbabago, simulan n’yo sa inyong mga sarili. Puñeta!

Philippine Star’s William Esposo on Erap and GMA [Note: Before you could even accuse me of being self-serving, sige, aamin na ko. Hahaha You’ll find out later why.] Thanks Mr. Chair Wrecker!

Philippine Daily Inquirer’s Conrado De Quiros on Chiz Escudero, Danding Cojuangco, and political parties

Unlike Esposo and De Quiros, Manila Standard Today’s editor in chief Jojo Robles is apparently not a fan of Noynoy Aquino

Note: A couple of readers have emailed me asking the rationale behind Sen. Manny Villar’s “last words.” I’d like to know if you didn’t get it as well. Why did Villar utter, “60?” Leave your guesses at the comments section.


All Saints Day
Millions of Filipinos flocked to cemeteries nationwide in observance of All Saints Day. It’s the time of the year when we remember the departed. There have been some notable deaths over the past 365 days. To name a few, young actor Marky Cielo; film producer Espiridion Laxa; rapper-composer Francis Magalona; former president Corazon Aquino, and Francis Escudero’s political career.

All Saints Day II
Over the weekend, the most number of “celebrity sighting” was reported at the posh Manila Memorial Park in Parañaque City. In close second? In Noynoy Aquino’s new TV ad.

New Pol Ad
Congratulations to the people behind presidential aspirant Noynoy Aquino’s music video – the newest premature political ad on television. It was awesome! The best part of the ad was when Noynoy Aquino was not given any speaking lines.

New Pol Ad II
Presidentil aspirant Noynoy Aquino’s new music video has started airing on television. And everyone agreed: the music video was way better than his track record.

New Pol Ad III
Have you seen the political advertisement of presidential aspirant Noynoy Aquino titled “Hindi Ka Nag-iisa?” Here’s a piece of trivia about that music video: 60 percent of Filipino voters were there!

New Pol Ad IV
Rumors say a big amount of money was spent in creating Noynoy Aquino’s political ad. The amount was so huge, it was even bigger than Danding Cojuangco’s promised financial support for Chiz Escudero.

New Pol Ad V
Have you seen Sen. Noynoy Aquino’s music video titled “Hindi Ka Nag-iisa?” Well, Sen. Manny Villar is coming out with his own music video titled, “Hindi Ka Nagdodoble.”

New Pol Ad VI
Sen. Noynoy Aquino’s new music video titled featured actors, actresses, and Purefoods’ James Yap. Well, Erap is coming out with his own music video too featuring actors, actresses, and Burger King’s Wynne Arboleda!

loren_ In Other News…
I wonder what will be the hottest issue this week. But I do remember last week’s biggest news: “Another man left Loren Legarda for good.”

Loren’s Running Mate?
Sen. Loren Legarda says she will announce her presidential running mate in two weeks. Actually, she wanted to make the announcement tomorrow. However, she opted to postpone it until the second week of November… after getting assurance from Manny Villar that he wouldn’t bolt the Nacionalista Party.
“Fame is a vapor, popularity an accident, and riches take wings. Only one thing endures and that is character.”
~Horace Greeley

Survey Says
Without a party, should Sen. Francis Escudero pursue his presidential bid?
SURE, Why not?: 13%
NO, Sa 2016 na lang siya: 40%
Wala akong pakialam 47%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.


chiz_widro This is the original draft of Sen. Francis Escudero’s speech delivered at Club Filipino last Wednesday morning. A copy was sent to The Professional Heckler by a reliable source who requested anonymity.

“Maraming salamat po sa lahat ng taong nandito lalung-lalo sa mga kababayan kong Bicolano sa walang pag-aatubiling pagtungo sa gusaling nasa latitude 14° 36′ 14″ Hilaga ng Equator at longitude 121° 2′ 56″ Silangan ng Prime Meridian sa Mapa ng Maynila, na mas kilala rin sa pangalang Club Filipino.

Nais ko pong ipabatid sa inyo na ako ay nagpaalam na at nag-resign na bilang miyembro ng Nationalist People’s Coalition o NPC, ang partidong itinatag ni Ginoong Eduardo ‘Danding’ Cojuangco ang ninong namin sa kasal ng aking asawang si Cristine, at founder ng NPC na aking kinaaniban sa nakalipas na labing-isang taon ng aking pagiging pulitiko sa Mataas na Kapulungan man ng Kongreso na kung tawagin natin ay Senado o sa Mababang Kapulungan ng Kongreso bilang kinatawan ng lalawigan ng Sorsogon na walang kahihiyang nanguna sa tangka ngunit bigong pagpapatalsik sa noo’y Chief Justice na si Hilario Davide katulong ang noo’y kongresista at paboritong pamangkin ni Ginoong Cojuangco na ngayo’y kalihim ng tanggulang pambansa na nag-aambisyon ding maging pangulo ng Pilipinas na si Gilbert “Gibo” Teodoro.

Sinuman pong nagpa-planong tumakbo bilang pangulo, dapat wala pong partidong kinabibilangan, NPC, LP NP, Lakas, Kampi, LAMMPP, PDP-Laban, Magdiwang, Magdalo, Bayan Muna, Akbayan, Migrante, Anakpawis, Sanlakas, Lapiang Manggagawa, Alyansa ng mga Sabungero, Ang Ladlad, 1-UTAK, SMILE, SAMASA, ISA, STAND-UP, KAISA, ALYANSA, (FYI: Mga political parties ‘yan sa UP), Sigue-Sigue, OXO, Sputnik, Ativan Gang, o ano pa man.

Ang dapat na partidong kinabibilangan ng sinumang nagpa-planong tumakbo, dapat po Pilipinas. At lahat ng mga ka-partido niya dapat lahat din Pilipino. Bata man o matanda, babae o lalake, mayaman o mahirap, nakapag-aral o hindi, dilaw man o pula ang kulay, binoto ka man o hindi, maka-Dos man o Maka-Siyete, Globe man o Smart o Sun kapag nagtitipid, tuli man o supot, bakla man o lesbiyana, out man o discreet, bisexual man o straight-tripper, top man o bottom, lights off o lights on, dapat ituring mo ng pantay o pareho dahil kung hindi, baka magkaroon ng kaguluhan sa Pilipinas na mas lalong magpapahirap sa milyun-milyon nating kababayan at ‘yun ang hinding-hindi ko kayang tanggapin bilang lingkod-bayan na nagnanais ng bagong pagbabago sa ating bansa na matatagpuan sa Timog Silangang Asya at nasa tinatawag na Pacific Ring of Fire kung saan madalas magkaroon ng lindol na hindi naman kayang ipredict kahit ng Philippine Institute of Volcanology and Seismology na dating pinamumunuan ng namayapang si Raymundo Punongbayan.

Nagbitiw po ako dahil sa tatlong kadahilanan na iisa-isahin ko kung inyong mamarapatin ngunit kung hindi naman ay iisa-isahin ko pa rin dahil sayang naman ang pagkakataong tayo ay nagkakatipun-tipon sa gusaling ito na nasa latitude 14° 36′ 14″ Hilaga ng Equator at longitude 121° 2’ 56″ Silangan ng Prime Meridian sa Mapa ng Maynila. Ang tatlo pong dahilan ng aking pagbibitiw ay ang sumusunod. Una, hindi ako heredero katulad ni Gilbert Teodoro; pangalawa, hindi ako haciendero katulad ni Noynoy Aquino, at pangatlo, lalo pong hindi ako bilyonaryo katulad ni Manny Villar.

Ngunit ito po ang dapat na unawain n’yo: hindi po salapi o pondo ang dahilan ng pagbibitiw ko sa partido at lalong hindi dahil sa napabalitang alitan namin ni Ginoong Eduardo Cojuangco bagamat gusto kong bigyang diin na hindi ako heredero katulad ni Gilbert Teodoro; hindi ako haciendero katulad ni Noynoy Aquino, at lalo pong hindi ako bilyonaryo katulad ni Manny Villar na malayang makakagastos sa halalang matagal ko na ring pinapagplanuhan subalit hindi ko pa lubusang napagpapasyahan kaya’t ito po ang gusto kong iparating sa lahat: hindi po kakulangan sa pera ang dahilan ng aking pag-atras datapwat kung mabibigyan ako ng pagkakataon ay gusto ko ring maranasan ang maging heredero katulad ni Gilbert Teodoro; maging haciendero katulad ni Noynoy Aquino, at lalo na po ang maging bilyonaryo katulad ni Manny Villar.

Hayaan po ninyong pag-isipan ko ang aking mga susunod na hakbang dahil kailangang kunsultahin ko, hindi lamang ang aking pamilya o kaibigan, kundi maging kayong lahat na kapartido ko na ngayon lalo pa’t ako’y malaya nang makapagpapasya kung ano ang nararapat at makakabuti sa lahat ng tao sa Pilipinas na ninanais ko ring umunlad ang buhay at umangat ang estado sa lipunan katulad ni Gilbert Teodoro na isang heredero; ni Noynoy Aquino na isang haciendero at, lalo na po ni Manny Villar na isang bilyonaryo.

Sa huli, isa lamang po ang hinihiling ko sa lahat: huwag ninyong paniwalaan ang walang basehang alegasyon na salat ako sa pondo kaya ako nagpasyang iwan ang partidong hindi maiwan-iwan ngayon ni Loren Legarda dahil sa pangambang baka ang aking pagbibitiw ay maging mitsa ng katapusan ng kanyang karera sa pulitika. Mali po ‘yon. Hindi po salapi o kontribusyon mula sa mayayamang negosyante ang nagbunsod sa aking pagbibitiw sa NPC bagamat aaminin kong hindi po ako heredero, hindi po ako haciendero at lalo pong hindi ako bilyonaryo.

Maraming salamat po sa inyong lahat at mabuhay ang sambayanang Pilipino lalo na ang maliliit na taong tapat na naglilingkod sa mga heredero, haciendero at bilyonaryo.”

[Please turn to page 2 for continuation of speech…]

“A good retreat is better than a bad stand.”
~Irish Saying


marco_wedding_hands LET ME BEGIN THIS post by saying that I am genuinely happy for ex-future president Mar Roxas and his ex-girlfriend, the ex-future First Lady Korina Sanchez, who is now a certified madrasta.

Congratulations, best wishes, and most importantly, good luck!

Unknown to many, I was one of the hundreds of uninvited folks who endured the smoldering heat outside Sto. Domingo Church in Quezon City to witness the event dubbed by local media as the “People’s Wedding” and “Kasalan ng Taon.” Dozens of politicians attended the ceremony, probably the reason why it was hotter inside the church.

The truth is: Conrado De Quiros and I were sent wedding invitations by Senator Roxas. However, Korina insisted that we apologize first before security personnel could allow us inside. In short, “No Sorry, No Entry.” De Quiros replied, “I’d rather wait for Noynoy’s wedding.” But the PDI columnist admits he doesn’t have any idea if it will ever happen since “Sa lahat ng pulitikong may girlfriend, si Noynoy lamang ang hindi atat na atat mag-asawa.”

marco_wedding_TAO As for me, I opted to be a spectator outside. Thanks to the giant video wall that was installed in front of the church for ordinary people to see the wedding. If it’s any consolation, I was beside the GMA 7 news team. You just have to admire those guys. They were so prepared for the special coverage! In fact, they brought their 3G phones in case the video wall suffered technical glitches!

The ceremony was pushed back to 4 o’clock because the bride wasn’t around yet at the originally-scheduled 3PM rites. It turned out that from the Intercon Hotel in Makati, Korina first went to Heritage Memorial Park in Taguig City to pay respects to her departed parents – in her bridal gown! She plans to do the same this coming All Saints Day.

Trivia: Ano o sino ang nakikita n’yo sa larawan?
A: Parada ng santong sikreto pa ang identity
B: Prusisyon ng mahiyaing birhen!
C: Si Korina ‘yan. May GMA 7 crew kasi sa labas kaya pilit itinago!
D: Duh! Basta ang alam ko kamukha ni JV Ejercito ‘yung lalaking naka-blue

Deviating from the norm, Korina Sanchez did not wear a veil to cover her face. It was a personal and tactical request, as she wanted to make sure that neither Sen. Francis Pangilinan nor reporter RG Cruz could go near her.

As the Inquirer reported, politics took a backseat at the celebrity-studded event. Everyone was there: from the stalwarts of the Liberal Party to members of Erap’s company and even allies of the ruling Lakas-CMD-Kampi. The only VIP missing was Loren Legarda who reportedly got sick because of climate change.

The almost nonagenarian, former Senate President Jovito Salonga, a principal sponsor was present. Loren Legarda would have enjoyed talking to him.

marco_wed_noy Among the guests, presidential aspirant Noynoy Aquino was greeted with the loudest applause. The only other time he received such applause from the public was when he told his sister Kris Aquino to “shut up.”

Congressman Teofisto “TG” Guingona III almost didn’t make it to the occasion. Good thing he resigned from the Nacionalista Party on time.

During the offertory, former Chief Justice Artemio Panganiban, a principal sponsor offered chalice and wine. Another principal sponsor, Rosa Rosal offered blood.

Reports say Sen. Mar Roxas wrote his own wedding vow… which was a good thing. Imagine if people behind his TV ads were tasked to write it! Baka nag-back out ‘yung bride!

marco_wed-vows But an awkward moment happened during the exchanged of vows. After Korina stated that Mar was the fulfillment of everything she ever wanted in a husband; Roxas slipped, and said that Sanchez was the fulfillment of everything he ever wanted in a political endorser.

Yet another awkward thing happened at the reception. When relatives of the groom conducted a survey and asked guests if they wanted the couple to have a baby before the elections, 30 percent chose YES while 10 percent chose NO. The remaining 60 percent chose Noynoy Aquino!

A minor commotion ensued during the traditional tossing of the bridal bouquet. When Korina Sanchez tossed it, the bouquet landed on Vicki Belo’s face, and P100,000 worth of Botox squirted out.

marco-wedding-kiss2 According to the Philippine Star, at the end of the matrimonial ceremony, “Mar and Korina kissed for 11 seconds.” But the Philippine Daily Inquirer said, “the couple kissed for three minutes according to a reliable source who requested anonymity.” The Manila Bulletin merely described it as “a beautiful kiss” while Abante Tonite’s banner headline said, “Nasarapan sa halikan!”

Postscript: In case you missed snippets of the wedding on TV, just follow Inquirer columnist and Liberal Party supporter Manolo Quezon on Twitter. He tweeted a detailed account of the event: blow-by-blow. Good job!
“A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.”
-Zsa Zsa Gabor

chiz-announce IN OTHER NEWS
SENATOR FRANCIS JOSEPH ESCUDERO has announced his resignation from his party, the Nationalist People’s Coalition shocking not only his party mates but the members of the press as well who expected him to declare his presidential bid in a hastily-organized press conference at Club Filipino Wednesday morning. Before dozens of his cheering supporters, the 40-year-old father of twins delivered a speech in Filipino, the original draft of which reached the Professional Heckler. Will be posting it on Friday.

Matapos mag-resign si Chiz sa partido, sinong kandidato ang susuportahan ng NPC? Tatakbo pa ba si Chiz sa pagka-pangulo? Ikunsidera niya kaya ang pagka-bise presidente? Ano ang mangyayari sa plano ni Loren Legarda? Sino ang magiging presidential running mate niya? At ang pinakamahalagang tanong na kamakalawa pa gustong malaman ng publiko: Bakit walang belo si Korina Sanchez sa kanyang kasal?

Survey Says
Should Noynoy Aquino marry Shalani Soledad in case he wins the presidency?
OO, Para may First Lady: 19%
NO. Ayusin muna niya ang bansa. 27%
I don’t give a damn. 54%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Newsbreak Magazine advises presidential aspirant Manny Villar: You don’t stand judges up

Francis Escudero’s political adviser Lito Banayo insists the senator is seeking the presidency

Loren Legarda’s statement on Chiz Escudero’s resignation from NPC

Morbid but true: Memorial pages on Facebook