Top 5 Things You Wouldn’t Want to Hear From Your Children’s Teacher/Instructor/Professor on the First Day of Classes

No. 5: “Mga bata, maglabas kayo ng 50 pesos. Kailangan nating bumili ng halaman, bagong flower vase, pasô, at doormat.”

No. 4: “Mula ngayon, hindi na ako magbebenta ng tocino. Promise. Now, sinong ‘di pa nakakapanood ng video ni Hayden? Meron ako dito. 6-in1. Blu-ray copy na. Trenta pesos lang.”

No. 3: “Girls, boys… saan n’yo mas gustong magklase? Sa ilalim ng puno ng mangga o sa ilalim ng puno ng narra?”

No. 2: “Gloria! ChaCha! Ibasura! May memo si Mayor. Kayong lahat ay required sumama sa rally next week. Ang hindi sasama, magbabayad ng kalahati ng tuition.”

And the no. 1 thing you wouldn’t want to hear from your children’s teacher/instructor/professor on the first day of classes…

“Aaaaaaa-choo! Aaaaa-choo! Class… I think I’m infected.”

Agrarian Reform Sec. Nasser Pangandaman denied a Philippine Daily Inquirer report last Saturday that he confirmed President Arroyo’s plans of seeking a Congressional seat in Pampanga next year. Pangandaman now refuses to talk to the Inquirer but has invited the paper’s reporter to a round of golf at Valley Golf and Country Club in Antipolo City.

Congratulations to my Los Angeles Lakers: 2008-2009 NBA Champions.

10th championship for Coach Phil; 4th ring for Kobe; 15th title for LA as a franchise, and LeBron James is somewhere out there licking his wounds. What could be more satisfying than that?

Kobe’s got his own trophy too: Finals MVP. Woohoo!
The Los Angeles Lakers won by huge margin against the Orlando Magic. When President Arroyo heard this, she asked, “Did the Lakers lead by more than one million?”

The Lakers finished off the Magic, 99-83 to win the NBA championship. That was a 16 point lead! But you know what? If Sen. Manny Villar were part of the team, that lead would surely double.

Orlando Magic head coach Stan Van Gundy was losing his patience and has become frustrated with his team when someone tapped him from behind. And you won’t believe it! It was Mar Roxas! He said, “Coach, tumabi ka. Ako na. Sama-sama tayo. Hindi ko kayo pababayaan. Lalaban tayo.” They lost.

Agrarian Reform Secretary Nasser Pangandaman also watched the game between the Lakers and the Magic. Asked to react on LA’s impressive victory, he said, “No comment. Baka ma-misquote lang ako ng Inquirer.”

And did you know that even our senators followed the NBA Finals? Juan Ponce Enrile finds Kobe Bryant brilliant. Aquilino Pimentel finds Derek Fisher tenacious. Rodolfo Biazon finds Paul Gasol persistent. And Loren Legarda finds Coach Phil Jackson cute.

And finally, some LA fanatics in local politics have celebrated the team’s victory: Lito and Ali Atienza held a parade in their backyard; Panfilo Lacson fired his gun, and Abner Afuang poured a bottle of water on his wife’s head!
“Champions know that success is inevitable; that there is no such thing as failure, only feedback. They know that the best way to forecast the future is to create it.”
~Michael J. Gelb


Swine Flu Virus
The biggest news of the week? The human swine flu virus. And Filipinos are getting worried. In fact, they’ve never been this worried since Mar Roxas announced on “Wowowee” that Korina Sanchez is the country’s next First Lady.

Swine Flu Virus II
The human swine influenza virus has already killed hundreds and infected thousands worldwide. The spread of the virus is alarming. To give you an idea how alarming it has become, for the first time in history, Jose De Venecia and his fellow congressmen are avoiding pork.

Swine Flu Virus III
The World Health Organization has raised the alert level on the human swine flu virus to Phase 4, meaning there is sustained human-to-human transmission of the virus. But senators, congressmen, and other corrupt politicians have nothing to worry about because there has yet to be a documented case of human-to-crocodile transmission.

Solons to Vegas
Reports say a large number of congressmen led by House Speaker Prospero Nograles are flying off to Las Vegas to watch the Manny Pacquiao-Ricky Hatton bout on Sunday. Fact is, if they wanted to debate on Charter Change they can freely do since their number in Vegas constitutes a quorum.

Pacquiao on TIME
Final results of a TIME Magazine survey showed that Manny Pacquiao was voted the 22nd “most influential” person in the world. When Sen. Lito Lapid heard this he said, “Influential? Naku, dapat magpa-check up na siya. Baka dahil sa swine virus ‘yan!”

Did you hear about the 27-year-old housewife who gave birth last Sunday to a set of quintuplets? Yesterday, Mar Roxas and Korina Sanchez (as shown on ABS-CBN newscasts) visited the woman and her babies. Roxas and Sanchez became emotional when they saw the babies… mainly because they never expected to see such an adorable bunch of election paraphernalia.

Korina On Leave
ABS-CBN announced that Korina Sanchez is taking a leave of absence from her radio program starting May 9. Ted Failon is wondrin’ why women close to his heart are leaving him.

peta_bikini No to Zoos
Barely-clad female members of the People for Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) staged a protest action at the Manila Zoo to urge the management to release the animals to their natural habitat. Tomorrow, they will picket the House of Representatives to call for the release of some 270 crocodiles in captivity.

No to Zoos II
Four bikini-clad women from the People for Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) picketed the Manila Zoo on Tuesday to urge the public to boycott zoos. Sen. Jamby Madrigal says she would support PETA’s call… only if the women would stage similar protests in five more zoos.

juday-ryan Juday and Ryan Wedding
Judy Ann Santos and Ryan Agoncillo have tied the knot in a very private ceremony in San Juan, Batangas Tuesday morning. Thank goodness they were not running in 2010! Otherwise, the wedding would have been held at the “Wowowee” studios.

Earth Day: A Postscript
A week ago, the world celebrated Earth Day. In observance of the significant event, environmental groups planted seedlings; local governments cleaned up rivers, and Vicki Belo recycled her face.


My favorite gossip columnist, Vic Agustin of the Manila Standard Today has written an intriguing article. Do you know Leo Magno?

Newsbreak magazine has an update on the jueteng operation in Ilocos Norte.

And for fellow fanatics of our Kobe Bryant and the Los Angeles Lakers, you can check out this blog for pre-and post-game analyses.

The Professional Heckler is on Twitter. Search for either: Professional Heckler or heckler8. See you there. (Of late though, people couldn’t find me there. I tried using the “Find People” button but i myself g0t zero results. Dunno why. Sigh.)
“Every human being is the author of his own health or disease.”


erap_mug Erap’s Picks
Earlier this week, former president Joseph Estrada revealed the opposition’s 12 potential bets for senator in the 2010 national elections. Next week, he will reveal the names of 108 more – for the remaining nine factions of the opposition.

Ex-president Joseph Estrada has bared the opposition’s list of 12 potential bets for senator in the 2010 national elections. President Arroyo’s staunch ally – Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago was included in the list, to which the feisty senator said, “Nakakaloka!”

ted Former president Joseph Estrada has announced the opposition’s 12 possible bets for the 2010 senatorial polls. The list includes broadcast personality Teodoro Etong a.k.a. Ted Failon – something that didn’t really come as a surprise since Failon is affiliated with the only genuine opposition group in the country today – “ABS-CBN Party.”

Erap has bared the names of the opposition’s 12 potential bets in the 2010 senatorial elections. Liberal Party’s Mar Roxas II has also revealed his party’s three possible senatorial candidates. Asked why he picked only three, he said, “Bakit? Kasya ba ang labindalawa sa pedicab!?”

And did you hear the latest? Born Again Christian leader and presidential aspirant Eddie Villanueva has likewise picked his 12 bets for 2010. He declined to name all but he nonetheless identified four: John, Matthew, Simon, and James.

bonglani1 Bong Revilla’s Plans
Bong Revilla has decided not to seek the vice presidency in 2010. Revilla said he was happy and satisfied being an actor, a TV host… and a part-time senator.

Bong Revilla said he would no longer run for vice president in 2010. Making that decision was by far, his biggest accomplishment yet as a senator.

Bong Revilla has also confirmed that his actress wife, Lani Mercado will run for a Congressional seat in Cavite next year. Caviteños are now wondrin’ if they’ve done something bad against the Revillas to deservr such a harsh punishment.

obamapup1 The First Canine
The White House has a new pet! America’s First Family, the Obamas just bought a six-month-old Portuguese water dog. That was big news in the US! But here? That’s nothing. Malacañang has its own lucky bitch since 2001.

The First Canine II
People at the White House got so excited when they heard about the arrival of the Obamas’ new pet dog. That’s the exact sentiment felt by Malacañang staff when Jinggoy first arrived at the palace in ’98.

The First Canine III
There’s a new pet dog at the White House! But that’s nothing compared to Malacañang’s three rabbits.

gma ChaCha Survey
The latest Social Weather Stations survey showed that 66 percent of Filipinos are opposed to a proposal to amend the Charter that would allow President Arroyo to extend her term. If it’s any consolation, a whopping 88 percent are in favor of seeing her inaugurate new road projects in Ifugao every week.

GMA’s Wish
Of course, you’re aware that President Arroyo celebrated her 62nd birthday last April 5. But guess what, she’s now accepting gifts and surprises for her 63rd birthday next year. Do you know what’s on top of her wish list? An “advance party.”

jdv De Venecia on Party Merger
Former House Speaker and Pangasinan Rep. Jose De Venecia Jr. warned that the proposed merger of Lakas-CMD and Kabalikat ng Malayang Pilipino (Kampi) could lead to a disaster. Come to think of it, JDV has a point… because the last time Lakas and Kampi solons merged, his Speakership bid had disastrous results.

Senate of the Philippines vs. Villar
Remember the controversial C-5 road extension project in Paranaque City, which received double allocation in the 2008 national budget? The Senate ethics committee headed by Panfilo Lacson has found the case against former Senate President Manny Villar over this road project “sufficient in form and substance.” For the interest of those who do not understand those terms, when you say “sufficient in form and substance,” it means… brace yourself guys: the election season has officially begun!

Wanted: Priests
According to the Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines, the country is facing a serious shortage of priests. Hoping to entice young Filipino men to enter the priesthood, the CBCP says the Church is giving seminarians an opportunity to free education, an opportunity to serve the Lord, and an opportunity to become a governor someday.

Despite the serious shortage of Catholic priests, the CBCP has reportedly rejected the idea of accepting gay applicants in the seminary. Senior members of the clergy do not want younger competition.

The CBCP says it is discouraging gays from entering the priesthood. Asked why, a CBCP official said, “Heller! Gusto mong ma-imbyerna ang Papa?!”

chard In Entertainment…
Actor Richard Gutierrez filed a 25 million peso-libel case against entertainment website Philippine Entertainment Portal for the site’s inadvertent uploading of an unverified news report that Gutierrez got involved in a brawl with a fellow actor. Rumors say, if the actor wins the case, he’ll use the money to buy something special and essential for his mom – breeding.

BREAKING NEWS (April 17, 2009):
Lawyers of Annabelle Rama have issued a cease-and-desist order to prevent the Philippine Entertainment Portal from printing anything and everything on or about Richard Gutierrez because of the barrage of negative comments they generate against the Gutierrezes. Because of this development, the latest illustrated edition of Merriam-Webster will carry the photo of Annabelle Rama and family… beside the word “insecure.”

‘‘I’m running for vice mayor but I don’t know yet under which party.’’
~ Actress and Councilor Aiko Melendez on her plan to seek the second highest political seat in Quezon City

Manila Standard Today columnist Antonio Abaya wrote:
“… for the protest movement to gain the participation of the crucial middle class, trapos (like Erap) and Communists should be excluded from its leadership. I am glad that some people are finally realizing the validity of that limitation.” Read the complete article here.

“Never vote for the best candidate. Vote for the one who will do the least harm.”
~Frank Dane


Sen. Manuel “P.I.” Roxas II: A Postscript

Did you hear what Sen. Mar Roxas said on radio today? Roxas said his expletive-laced speech last Friday was addressed to the situation, and not to President Arroyo. Isn’t that worse? Kawawa na nga ang sitwasyon ng mga Pilipino, puputang-inahin mo pa? Anong klaseng palusot naman ‘yun?

Reports say Sen. Mar Roxas has refused to apologize for his outburst last Friday. When Tessie Aquino-Oreta heard this, she said, “Hayaan n’yo na. Ako nga… inabot ng apat na taon eh.”

mrpalengke Rumors have it Sen. Mar Roxas is changing his alias soon: from Mr. Palengke… to Mr. Palengkera.

Yet another rumor says Mar Roxas has changed his campaign battle cry. It used to be “Oras na, Roxas na!” Now, it’s “Roxas na! ‘Tang-ina!”

And Korina Sanchez? According to the grapevine, Mar Roxas’ rumored girlfriend is having sleepless nights. You know why? Because prior to that Friday rally, people would often ask her, “Boyfriend mo ba ‘yong si Mar Roxas?” Now they’re asking, “Sure ka bang si Mar Roxas ang boyfriend mo? Hindi ba si Mon Tulfo?”

And if that wasn’t bad enough, listen to this. This morning, someone sent Korina a letter that says, “Dear Ate Koring, Please tell Mar that I want him to appear on my show as a guest co-host. Nababagay siya do’n. (Signed) Bro. Eli Soriano.”

Finally… haven’t you noticed? Manny Villar is so quiet these days? I heard he’s really enjoying the uploaded “Putang ina” video of Mar Roxas on YouTube. To give you an idea how entertained Villar was, he is reportedly planning to upload a similar video… making it a “double upload.”

True remorse is never just a regret over consequence; it is a regret over motive.
~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic’s Notebook, 1960


Senator Roxas and Charter Change
Speaking before an estimated 7000 anti-Charter Change protesters who gathered at Ayala Avenue in Makati City, presidential contender and incumbent senator Mar Roxas shouted, “Putang-ina! Patayin ang Gloria Forever Cha Cha na ito!” When Lacson, Villar, Legarda, De Castro, and Gordon heard this, they told their respective aides, “I want that part uploaded into YouTube! Asap!”

Speaking before thousands in Makati City with TV cameras everywhere, Sen. Mar Roxas told the crowd, “Putang-ina! Patayin ang Gloria Forever Cha Cha na ito!” A presidential contender, Roxas thus became the first senator in Philippine history to utter “Putang ina” in public. Now you know why he is called “Mr. Palengke.”

roxas At the anti-Charter Change rally in Makati City last Friday, Sen. Mar Roxas told the crowd, “Putang-ina! Patayin ang Gloria Forever Cha Cha na ito!” When Korina Sanchez heard this, she said, “Shit! Pa’no pa ko magiging first lady n’yan?!”

During the anti-Charter Change rally in Makati City, Sen. Mar Roxas shouted “putang ina!” The use of the expletive came as a shock to Roxas’ closest aides… mainly because in private, the senator only uses words like “Imbyerna,” “Keber!,” and “Etchos!”

Briefly Noted: A day before the anti-Charter Change rally in Makati City, people were talkin’ about Charter Change. Less than a day later, everyone’s talkin’ about Mar Roxas. How’s that for publicity?

Top 10 Messages Left on Sen. Mar Roxas’ Answering Machine

10: Senator Roxas, this is Yolly Ong of Campaigns & Grey. I think you’ll need our help.

9: Mar, Si Archbishop Cruz ‘to. Amen!

8: Hello senator, Danton Remoto here. Naloka ako sa ‘yo!

7: Hi, it’s Teddy Locsin. I thought my “Fuck You” then was good. But your “Putang Ina” was awesome!

6: Mar, si Erap ‘to. Salamat sa pagmumura mo. At least, mas madaling ma-narrow down ang choices ng opposition.

5: Manuel, this is your mamita! Hijo naman, ano na lang ang iisipin ng akin mga amiga? Na ikaw ay persona mal educado? Na mal ejemplo ako bilang madre de familia? Usted debe pedir perdón! (Read: You must apologize!) Ora mismo!

4: Hello senator, Danton Remoto again. In fairness, lalaking lalaki ka that night!

3: Hon, Korina here. Ang tanga-tanga mo! ‘Di ka ba na-inform na may nakatutok na camera?

2: Mar, it’s Senator Villar. Hahahahahahahahaha! One down.

And the No. 1 message left on Sen. Mar Roxas’ answering machine…

1: ‘Tol, si Mikey ‘to. Puta’ng ina mo rin!

(Thanks to Jove of TV5 for a brief mention of this post on The Evening News.)
A bad word whispered will echo a hundred miles.
~Chinese Proverb


The Anti-Charter Change Rally
Five opposition senators, all eyeing the presidency in 2010, are attending today’s anti-Charter Change rally in Makati City. Senators Manuel Villar Jr., Loren Legarda, Francis Escudero, Manuel Roxas II, and Panfilo Lacson are reportedly joining the multisectoral protest action along with two other potential presidential contenders – Joseph Estrada and Jejomar Binay. This marks the first time a miting de avance is being held 18 long months before the elections.

bin The Anti-Charter Change Rally II
In a statement released before today’s anti-Cha Cha rally, Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay said, “If Malacañang is ready to Cha-cha, we are ready to rumble.” When President Arroyo heard this, she said, “Can you check if Manny (Pacquiao) is available today?”

A Fake Illness?
Several newspaper columnists wrote that First Gentleman Jose Miguel Arroyo faked his ailment during President Arroyo’s flight to the United States last month to avoid arrest there for money laundering. The write-ups angered and shocked the Arroyo family with the exception of President Arroyo who’s gotten used to Mr. Arroyo’s habit of faking it.

The final list of nominees for the 2009 Golden Globe Awards has been announced.

Fake is as old as the Eden tree.
~Orson Welles


House Junks Impeachment Complaint
Voting 183 to 21, the House of Representatives junked the impeachment complaint filed against President Arroyo by Jose “Joey” De Venecia III et al. Rep. Rissa Hontiveros-Baraquel threatened to seek redress from the Supreme Court. Leftist solon Satur Ocampo threatened to hold street protests. Cong. Jose De Venecia threatened to publish another book.

Joey’s Threat
After the junking of the impeachment complaint he filed against President Arroyo, businessman Jose “Joey” De Venecia III sent a warning to the congressmen who voted against the impeachment: “You may have won this battle, but the war is far from over.” He then instructed his secretary to prepare the draft… of his biography.

Joey’s Threat II
Jose “Joey” De Venecia III sent another warning to all congressmen who voted against the impeachment case. He said, “Look into the horizon and you will see a tidal wave of people angered by the abuses of this administration. Beware, lest that tidal wave turn into a tsunami that will swamp you all.” Now, isn’t that stupid? Talking about “waves” and “tsunamis” while addressing a float of crocodiles?

Velarde’s Threat Too
El Shaddai leader Mike Velarde threatened to mobilize a million of his followers in street protests if President Arroyo’s allies insist on amending the constitution. Malacañang was a bit shaken by the threat. While high-ranking palace officials knew the government is good at making fools of Filipinos, Mike Velarde does it better.

Jocjoc Rearrested
The Senate sergeant-at-arms rearrested former agriculture undersecretary Jocelyn “Jocjoc” Bolante for contempt. The arrest warrant was served at the office of Bolante’s lawyers in Makati City. It took several minutes before Jocjoc faced the arresting officers… mainly because his lawyers couldn’t agree on what body part he should clutch this time: his head or his stomach.

Jocjoc Rearrested II
In a statement following his arrest, Jocjoc Bolante pointed out that he was still under detention by virtue of an arrest order issued by the 13th Congress. But with the new arrest order, Bolante said, “I am now on double arrest.” His lawyers are verifying reports Sen. Manuel Villar had something to do with it.

Actor Remarries
Actor Raymond Bagatsing, the estranged husband of Lara Fabregas, remarried in the United States. He wed a 60-year-old woman named Cora Pastrana. When Hayden Kho saw the photos of the newly weds on TV, he fainted. For a second, he thought he saw his future.

I eat death threats for breakfast.
~Miriam Defensor-Santiago


Emergency Landing
On its way to Lima via Los Angeles for the APEC Summit in Peru, President Arroyo’s plane made an emergency landing in Japan after her husband fell ill on board. ABS-CBN first reported the First Gentleman had suffered a heart attack. Other networks said he experienced stomach cramps; some reported he had chest and back pains. Whatever the real reason was, one thing was sure: for a moment, journalists thought the Philippines would have its second widow president.

President Arroyo’s plane was forced to make an emergency landing at Kansai airport in Osaka, Japan when First Gentleman Mike Arroyo fell ill. Sketchy reports say President Arroyo thought the First Gentleman was just joking inside the plane when he began clutching his chest. She reportedly told him, “Hmpf! Tigilan mo nga ako. Napanood ko na ‘yan eh. Ginawa na ‘yan nung lalaki sa wheelchair.”

President Arroyo left her husband in Japan to attend the Asia Pacific Economic Cooperation forum in Lima, Peru. After all, he is now “stable and okay;” the Philippine economy is not.

Some sources say the First Gentleman will soon fly back to Manila via a Japanese charter plane. This travel arrangement will definitely push through… unless Mikey Arroyo insists on a charter change.

Malacañang is appealing for prayers for the quick recovery of the First Gentleman. Press Secretary Jess Dureza offered to lead the prayer but was politely declined.

Late last night, ABS-CBN News online posted a screaming headline saying the First Gentleman had suffered a heart attack. It turned out to be inaccurate though. But just the same, ABS-CBN never felt so good writing that incorrect news item.

A palace statement says First Gentleman Mike Arroyo is now out of danger. Then, the country is still in danger.

President Arroyo’s plane was forced to make an emergency landing at Kansai airport in Osaka when First Gentleman Mike Arroyo fell ill. Asked if he knew where Osaka was, Sen. Lito Lapid said, “Of course! Ano ako tanga? May branches ‘yan sa Cubao, Baclaran, Guadalupe at Quiapo. D’yan ako nagpapacheck-up ng mata!”

In Other News
Sen. Loren Legarda attended the SRO premiere of Dingdong Dantes and Marian Rivera’s movie One True Love at SM Megamall earlier in the week. The two young stars met Loren in person for the first time. When Marian said, “Hi ma’am, I am Marian,” she replied, “Hi Marian. I am Senator Loren.” When Dingdong said, “Hi Senator, I am Dingdong,” she replied, “Hi Dingdong. I am single.”

So many people spend their health gaining wealth, and then have to spend their wealth to regain their health.
~AJ Reb Materi