SALE! POLITICAL FIRECRACKERS 75% OFF!

Try some of out best-sellers: Duterte Firecracker, Quiboloy Firecracker, Cayetano Firecracker, and Mocha Firecracker!
75% off until December 30!

A QUICK GUIDE to some of the more popular firecrackers being sold in the Philippines. Buy at your own risk.

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Here’s the text version.

Duterte Firecracker

Ito ang pinakamapaminsalang paputok sa nakalipas na tatlong taon. Mabentang-mabenta pa rin sa mga Pinoy kahit napakarami nang namatay at nasugatan. Walang nakakaalam kung kailan matatauhan ang mga consumers sa perwisyong dulot nito.

Cayetano Firecracker

Maraming Pinoy ang nagreklamong palpak daw ang paputok na ito. Nagalit ang exclusive distributor nito at nagbantang kakasuhan ang mga “naninira.” Recently, tinanghal na Best Firecracker ang Cayetano firecracker. Ang nagbigay ng award ay ang mismong distributor nito.

Bonggo Firecracker

Kapag bibili ka ng Duterte Firecracker, may kasamang libreng paputok – ito ang Bonggo firecracker. Popular pero walang value kasi nga, giveaway lang.

Sotto Firecracker

Huwag mo nang sindihan ang paputok na ito kung ayaw mong masira ang araw mo. Kung anu-ano kasi ang lumalabas na sound na nakakabobo.

Leni Firecracker

Ang paputok na safe. Hindi siya gusto ng iba dahil mahina raw ang sabog. Matindi at walang tigil ang paninira rito ng ibang manufacturers para hindi tangkilikin ng consumers.

Mandarambong Firecracker

Na-ban na ito sa market pero magbabalik daw ngayong 2020 kaya maraming consumers ang nagagalit. Nananawagan silang i-boycott ang paputok na ito.

Panelo Firecracker

Makulay ang wrapper ng paputok na ito pero mabubuwisit ka lang sa nalilikha nitong sound. Takpan mo na lang ang tainga mo.

Bongbong Firecracker

Ginamit ang paputok na ito sa nakaraang Philippine International Pyromusical Competition. Hindi na-impress ang panel of judges. Natalo ang manufacturer pero dahil hindi nito matanggap ang pagkatalo, nagsampa ng protesta.

Imelda Firecracker

Maraming Filipino ang nabiktima ng paputok na ito. Noon ay nahinto na ang pagbebenta rito pero tagumpay na nakabalik at ngayon ay tinatangkilik na naman ng mga ignoranteng consumers.

Bato Firecracker

Sa start, maingay ang firecracker na ito pero habang nauubos ang sindi, may maririnig kang parang iyak sa dulo. Ito ang pumalit sa paputok na crying cow.

Cynthia Firecracker

Ang paputok na pangmayaman lang. Kung hindi n’yo kayang bumili ng Cynthia Firecracker, mag-watusi na lang kayo!

De Lima Firecracker

Iniutos ng gobyerno ang pag-ban sa paputok na ito kahit walang sapat na basehan. Pati ibang bansa ay nanawagan na ng pag-lift sa ban.

Faeldon Firecracker

Ilang beses nang na-ban sa market pero ilang ulit ding ibinalik. Malakas sa gobyerno ang manufacturer nito.

Enrile Firecracker

Kapag sinindihan, hindi mamatay-matay.

Tulfo Firecracker

Gustong-gusto ito ng masa. Kahit nakakasakit na ng ibang tao, mabenta pa rin. Last year alone, kumita ng 60 million pesos ang manufacturer nito.

Persida Firecracker

Ang paputok na naghahasik ng takot sa publiko.

Mocha Firecracker

Here’s a testimonial from a buyer: “Ang lakas po! Grabeng lakas. Hindi naman po masyadong malakas. Sakto lang po. Parang baril na mas malakas po.”

Mocha Firecracker 2

‘Wag n’yo nang bilhin. Malamang fake ‘yan.

Quiboloy Firecracker

Ang pinaka-weird na paputok. Tumitigil ang pagputok nito kapag sinabihan mong, “ISTAHP!”

FAMILY AFFAIR

SENATOR KOKO PIMENTEL guested on the comedy show ‘Gandang Gabi Vice’ last Sunday. The re-electionist senator sang a Billy Joel hit and gamely performed the latest dance craze – PSY’s hit single Oppa Gangnam Style Mo Bulok!

During the interview, Senator Koko Pimentel revealed that he’s a Math major in college. In fact he taught us a math lesson that evening: Popular TV Show + Song and Dance Number + 2013 Elections = Alam Na!

Ex-future Senator Joel
TESDA Director General Joel Villanueva has dropped his plan to run for senator next year. But the former party-list solon who ranked 24th–32nd in the latest SWS senatorial survey said, “Even if I was in the Top 12 Survey, it wouldn’t affect my decision.” And President Aquino was like, “LP’s decision!”

Dynasty
If recent surveys are any indication, starting next year, the Senate will have two Cayetanos, two Estradas, and two Enriles. And that’s too much!

Next year, there will be two Cayetanos, two Estradas, and two Enriles in the Senate. How do you explain such travesty to the little children?

The theme of the Philippine Senate starting next year is “Sama-Sama Sa Senado Pamilyang Pilipino.”

Cam Sur
One of Bicol’s political dynasties, the Villafuertes are still feuding. The senior Villafuerte wants to divide Camarines Sur; the junior Villafuerte wants to keep it intact. I didn’t know they own the province.

Pacquiao
Manny Pacquiao will be the official Congressional candidate in Sarangani of the United Nationalists Alliance or UNA next year. Pacquiao, who first ran as a Liberal in 2007, became a member of Gloria Arroyo’s Kampi in 2008, and later, pledged allegiance to Manny Villar’s Nacionalista Party for the 2010 polls. He then announced his plans to join President Aquino’s Liberal Party. Last April, he formally took his oath as a member of Vice President Binay’s PDP-Laban. Pacquiao is definitely channeling his inner Muhammad Ali. You know, “float like a butterfly.”

LP 2013
Have you seen the Liberal Party slate for next year’s 2013 midterm elections? It’s everything but Liberal!

Colegio San Agustin
Did you hear the news about the gun-toting incident at Colegio San Agustin? Here’s a backgrounder: Boy 1 repeatedly bullied Boy 2. Boy 2 thought he’s had enough, retaliated and stabbed Boy 1 with a pen. Then came the bully’s father, Allan Bantiles who stormed the school premises, confronted and slapped the 16-year-old bullying victim and pointed a .45 caliber at him. The incident happened last month but the police has yet to charge the suspect. In other news, Colegio San Agustin has just been declared “The Most Gun-Friendly School” in the metro. Congratulations!

Gun-toting suspect Allan Bantiles has declined to grant media interviews and refused to face journalists. Unless the journalist is 16-years-old.

SWS Survey
According to the latest Social Weather Stations survey, fewer Filipinos think that they are poor. Sus, gutom lang ‘yan.

Not Showing
Several groups have asked the government to ban the public exhibition of the controversial film “Innocence of Muslims,” which, they described as offensive. I hope they do the same thing to the movies of Mikey Arroyo and Manny Pacquiao.

Jesus!
According to reports, a fragment of a faded papyrus from the fourth century suggests Jesus Christ may have been married. And the best way to validate the claim is to gather first-hand information. Let’s ask Senator Enrile.
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“Earth provides enough to satisfy every man’s needs, but not every man’s greed.”
~ Mahatma Gandhi

Quote of the Day
“Matapos ang buwang pagluhod sa pananalangin, pag-aayuno, at maging pakikipag-ugnayan ko sa aking kababayan, buong pagpapakumbabang nagdesisyon po ako na manatili sa gabinete ni Pangulong Aquino at ituloy ang pagsisilbi sa bayan.”
~TESDA Director General Joel Villanueva

Personal
Congratulations to the UP Pep Squad! You’ve made 8 happen! Woohoo!!!

Have a safe and productive week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.