Duterte son wants to change the name
of NAIA, and a Duterte ally promotes ‘steam’ to fight covid. Another crazy week!
Duterte son wants to change the name
Apparently, it was Dolly Parton who started it all.
NETIZENS have been posting a four-image collage showcasing the different ways they present themselves online. This is the latest trend on social media.
Here are a few versions I created featuring some political personalities.
I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever8
I feel sort of under the weather so I’ll just be reposting some of my favorite humor pieces. In case you missed it…
Pork Barrel Scam
Lorna Kapunan insists Janet Napoles doesn’t own a yacht. To be fair, she owns the government.
Sen. Jinggoy Estrada said, “The recent events which unfolded before us have given us the chance to finally REFORM the system.” To which the ‘system’ replied, “You first!”
Pork scam whistleblowers say there are two code names for Jinggoy Estrada. One is “Kuya” – which is self-explanatory. And another is “Sexy” – which just tarnished the witnesses’ credibility.
On Twitter, neophyte senator JV Ejercito said, “I think I can manage to perform my duties as a senator without the PDAF. After all, I was elected as a legislator.” And Jinggoy Estrada was like, “O, nagsisimula ka na naman ng away!”
A survey conducted by Inquirer.Net showed 96.2 percent of Filipinos wanted the pork barrel abolished. The rest were lawmakers.
According to research firm MillWard Brown, the top 10 global luxury brands of 2013 are Louis Vuitton, Hermes, Gucci, Prada, Rolex, Chanel, Cartier, Burberry, Fendi and Coach. Or as Jeane Napoles would say, “My entire closet.”
The $1.475 million condo unit of Jeane Napoles in California is reportedly up for sale. The 1,500 square foot-Ritz Carlton property has two bedrooms, two bathrooms, and 12 bathtubs.
A Philippine Daily Inquirer report says Janet Napoles owns at least 28 houses… the biggest of which are the two Houses of Congress.
Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago called on Congress to abolish the pork barrel system by 2016. To which Janet Napoles said, “Harsh!”
The Senate has an ongoing investigation on the pork barrel scam. Several reports say the alleged pork barrel queen may be invited to face the senators – or as Janet Napoles would call it, “reunion.”
Leyte Representative Martin Romualdez who heads the group says COA chief Grace Pulido-Tan has done “irreparable damage” to Congress. What’s there to damage?
A certain Atty. Enrique dela Cruz said his client, Senator Enrile did not authorize Gigi Reyes to perform acts on his behalf. Reyes responded saying she felt betrayed by Enrile. To which Cristina Ponce Enrile said, “Ako rin!”
Bong Revilla appealed to the public to not prejudge him. He also denied accusations he put the “bong” in “pandarambong.”
Undated photos of Sen. Frank Drilon with the Napoles couple are circulating online. Analysts say it’s the most damning evidence yet since it marks the first time Janet Lim-Napoles was seen with actual pork.
Lorna Kapunan says her (ex)-client, Janet Lim-Napoles has been “talking to herself” lately. Worse, she’s not getting any response.
A petition asking PAGASA to name typhoons after corrupt politicians has been launched online. But the weather bureau rejected it because there’s not enough typhoons to accommodate all names.
Mark Joseph Tajo Solis, a graduate student from UP is in hot water these days. A multiple photo contest winner, it turned out that his winning entries were stolen. This kid has a bright future in Congress.
President Aquino has enacted a law mandating labels on toys to protect the public from potential dangers. A similar law must be enacted to mandate labels on lawmakers.
A Pulse Asia survey showed 36 percent of Filipinos trusted the Senate while 34 percent of Filipinos trusted the House of Representatives. I do not trust those Filipinos.
According to Vatican Cardinal Gianfranco Ravasi, Jesus was the “world’s first tweeter.” However, Ravasi refused to confirm rumors that Jesus also attempted to Instagram a photo of two fish and five loaves of bread.
Manila officials have just announced plans to install free Wi-Fi service in waiting sheds around the city so that residents could go online anytime using mobile phones and other gadgets. The plan was lauded by students and office workers, and was praised by holduppers, snatchers and robbers.
In Pasay City, a 34-year-old wife cut off her 51-year-old husband’s penis in a fit of jealous rage. Authorities are reportedly filing a case against the wife. But I seriously doubt if the case will prosper. The evidence would not stand up in court.
There was a monstrous traffic jam in the metro last Wednesday. Edsa wasn’t moving. And Jinky Pacquiao’s face was like, “I know the feeling.”
In China, a frustrated Chinese man cuts off his penis because he’s tired of being single. Will somebody please check on President Aquino!
Racism in Switzerland?
Oprah Winfrey revealed that while shopping in Zurich, she asked a boutique saleslady if she could see a bag right above her head. The woman replied, “No. It’s too expensive.” Oprah was offended. The next day, she bought Zurich.
“Karma is unforgiving and always gets payback.”
~ Benjamin Bayani, The Nation
“Netizens must critically understand the cybercrime decision before joining the angry bandwagon. That said, I invite the outraged to call Sotto an idiot in a truly #NonLibelousTweet. Know that doing so is no cybercrime, but part of a storied tradition traced to our parents who stood against tanks at Edsa in 1986 and to the sacrifice of all who died wearing our flag and uniform in our great nation’s history.”
~ Oscar Franklin Tan, Calling Tito Sotto an idiot is no cybercrime
Have a safe and fun weekend!
I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
[Photos: Cartoon.com, 123rf.com, KoreaTimes.com, GMANews.com]
WHERE IN HELL is she? She’s STILL here! She won’t reveal her exact location but at least she’s talking about the issues hounding her. She also requested that KRISSY do the interview. Request granted! So Krissy, you know the drill. Good luck!
HELLLLLOOOOO EVERYONE! Hiiiii! Binaha ba kayo? Krissy here. Nakakaloka ‘tong assignment na ‘to huh! Kung kelan umuulan at flooded ang streets saka ako inutusan. ‘Di bale… inisip ko na lang: this is for the country naman ‘di ba? And you know naman our family when it comes to serving the nation. Rain or shine, gow! Care bears na sa baha! Aha-ha-ha!
Before we begin, i have a kwento lang, This morning before I left for this interview, Bimbee made lambing. Sabi niya, “Mama, please take a photo of the pork barrel woman I saw on TV so I could punch her.” Aha-ha-ha! I swear hindi ko s’ya kinaya! Naloka ako sa anak ko! So I replied, “Bimbs, nooo! That’s bad. You have to respect other people no matter how bruha they are. Kung gusto mo, ‘yong lawyer na lang niya ang ipunch mo!” Pumayag si bagets! Hashtag AlamNa! Aha-ha-ha! He’s so me talaga aha-ha-ha!
Hello din po Ma’am Krissy!
Ay! You’re here na pala. Kanina ka pa ba d’yan?
Yes po, Ma’am Krissy.
Hellllllllllllllow! Manalamin ka nga. Mukha ka nang singkwenta’y otso ‘noh! I’m only 42! So call me Krissy na lang. Ako nga ang dapat mag-ma’am sa ‘yo eh!
And pleeeeease, don’t use po. I feel old. Anyway, start na tayo dahil baka abutan pa ako ng flood. Kanina kasi when your staff brought me here, naka-blindfold ako. Kaloka ‘di ba? Eksenang kidnapping ang drama. Hindi ka na nadala! Aha-ha-ha! So my first question is: where are we right now?
Hindi ko po pwedeng sabihin eh. Baka matunton ako ng NBI.
Sabi ko nga! Aha-ha-ha Ba’t ba ako tawa nang tawa? Aha-ha-ha! Sige, clue na lang. Are we still in Metro Manila?
Ayaw ko na pong magsalita. Kasi po, ‘yong ano. Basta, ano, magagalit ang lawyer ko.
Hay naku! Kainis ka! Anyway, you know me naman right? I’m really prangka. At ayoko ng liar! I may be many things but I’m not a liar. So sana, tell me na lang the truth, ok?
Talaga? As in the whole truth?
Bongga! I love you naaaa! Joke! So nasaan tayo ngayon?
Nasa bathtub po.
Ay, winnnnerrrr! Oo nga ‘no?!? Gosh, I didn’t notice. Ang tanga-tanga ko talaga. Ang laking bathtub naman nito girl! At personalized pa huh! Ano nga ‘yang nakasulat sa may likod mo? To your left. There! Pakibasa nga.
“Courtesy of my friends in the Senate”
Beautifuuuuuul! Alam mo, bongga ka talaga! No wonder, you amassed such massive wealth.
Hindi naman po ako rich. Blessed lang.
Noooo! You’re rich! Iba ang rich sa blessed. Ako, blessed ako. Si Boy blessed. Si Senator [unintelligible] rich! Si Congressman [unintelligible] rich. Basta! Ayoko nang mag-explain. Wait, ano ‘yong naka-print sa right side ng bathtub?
‘Yong ano? Ang alin? ‘Yong maigsi o mahaba po?
‘Yong medyo mahaba. Na-curious ako bigla. Pakibasa please.
“Another project made possible by your friends in the House of Representatives.”
Fabulous! Kainis kaaaaa. You’re so influential talagaaaaa. Kung nanonood ka Boy, pa-borrow muna ako ng linya mo sa Bandila huh. Look at me Jenny… look at me.
Ano po? Saan po?
Hellllloooow! Tumingin ka sa akin! Ang slowwwww! JENNY… IKAW NA!
Ang ano po?
Ano ba?!?! You’re supposed to say something. Hindi ka ba nanonood ng Bandila?
Naku hindi po. Si Korina lang ang pinapanood ko.
Ayyyy, NR! Ayoko ng intriga. ‘Yan pa naman ang kabilin-bilinan sa akin ni Ate Peenky. “Krissy, kapag na-mention ang pangalan ni [unintelligible] zip your lips.” Ohhhhhh-kay. Eh ‘di quiet na lang ako. Aha-ha-ha! Moving on… sabi mo sa isang TV interview, hindi mo alam ang ‘pork barrel?’
As in you don’t know what pork barrel is?
Hindi po talaga.
Naku, you’re lyiiiiing. I hate you naaaa. Look at your nose. It’s getting bigger already.
Namimersonal naman kayo Ma’am Krissy.
Helllloooooow! Kung namimersonal ako eh ‘di sana, I told you that you badly need a nose job. But out of respect, I did not say that. I swear, I have nothing personal against you. I just can’t believe na hindi mo alam ang pork barrel. Feeling ko talaga you’re lying.
Ibang tanong na lang po. Baka magalit ang lawyer ko.
Fine! According to the DOJ, meron ka raw at least 30 vehicles including a Porsche Cayenne.
Mali ka Miss Krissy. Pors po ‘yon. Hindi Portia.
Noooo! It’s Porsche!
Bahala ka na nga! Pero nakakaloka naman ang dami ng sasakyan mo. Akala ko ba coal mining ang business mo? Parang car dealership naman!
Sinungaling po ang DOJ.
Naku! You’re accusing Secretary De Lima of lying huh! So ilan ba talaga?
OA naman po ang 30. Twenty nine lang!
Gosh! Mali nga ang report. DOJ huh, you’re not doing your homework! Masamang mag-accuse huh! Heto pa… how true naman na you have 28 houses?
Grabe naman Ms Krissy. Kung marami talaga akong houses, bakit dito tayo nag-uusap sa bathtub?
True! May point ka aha-ha-ha So ilan ba talaga ang houses mo?
Isasama ko po ba sa bilang ang Lower House?
It’s really up to you.
Siguro, huwag na lang ‘yong ano. ‘Tsaka ‘yong ano, baka magalit si Senator [unintelligible]. Anim lang talaga ang bahay ko. ‘Yon ang ano, ang totoo. Basta.
Eh ano ‘yong lumabas na 28?
Bathttub po ‘yon.
Huwhaaaat?!? Meron kang dalawampu’t walong bathtub? Kaloka huh! Saan mo naman ginagamit ang bathtub? Ba’t gano’n karami?
Ibang tanong na lang. Baka magalit ang lawyer ko.
Na naman?! Kainis ‘yang lawyer mong ‘yan huh! At in fairness sa kanya, ke galit s’ya o hindi, mukha talaga siyang galit! Promise!
Namimersonal ka na naman Ms Krissy. Dahil ba lawyer siya ni James?
Excuuuuuse me! Hindi ako namimersonal. Whether she’s that man’s lawyer or not, she badly needs a stylist! Her makeup is horrible! Did you see the eye shadow? Buong face may eye shadow! Aha-ha-ha!
Ay heto na pala si Attorney…
Joooke! Hihihihi Natakot ka Ms Krissy ‘noh?.
Shet kaaaa! Alam mo you’re not funny! Next time, don’t make fun of me huh! Hindi tayo close! Remember, may three years pa ang brother ko! Kainezz! Nag-palpitate tuloy ako! I hate you na talagaaaaa!
Mahaba pa ba ‘to Ms Krissy?
Ewan ko! Mas mahaba ang ilong mo!! Hmpff! Maglaro na nga lang tayo!
Sige! Anong game Ms Krissy? The Price Is Right?
Ikaw talaga, ang hilig sa presyuhan! Noooo! Pipikit ka tapos I’ll repeatedly punch and kick you on behalf of the Filipino people.
Ay, gano’n po?!?
Joooke! Scared ka ‘no? Finally, nakaganti rin ako. Aha-ha-ha Here’s what we’ll do. We’ll play a fast-paced trivia game. Sasagot ka lang sa mga questions ko. Kung anong unang pumasok sa isip mo, ‘yun ang sabihin mo. JENNY… Game Ka Na Ba?
Bongga! Kumpletuhin ang kasabihan: “Ang sinungaling ay kapatid ng… ”
I’ll accept that! NEXT: Sino ang tatay ni Kiefer Ravena?
Complete name please!
Bong Revilla! Ay, ano ba ‘yon? Sorry. Ravena pala!
Careful! Kumpare ko ‘yon! NEXT: Kung ang beef ay galing sa baka, at ang venison ay galing sa usa, saan naman galing ang pork?
I said PORK Ms Jenny!
PORK sabi eh!
Estrada? Ay, sorry senator. Nadulas lang.
Again, PORK. Last chance na!
Time’s up! Nakakaloka ka! Hindi kita kinaya. Dahil sa answers mong ‘yan, like na kitaaaaaa! Aha-ha-ha! Last na. This question comes from William Baldwin, and he wants to know: What is one big mistake that you made in your life and what did you do to make it right?
Thank you so much Krissy por that wonderful question. Good evening ladies and gentlemen, good ibning Philippines! You know what Krissy, in my 55 years of existence, I can say that there is nothing major major I mean problem that I hab done in my life becos I am very conpident with my friends in the Senate and Congress, with the lab that they are giving to me. So, thank you so much that I am in this bathtub. Thank you, thank so much!
I luveeeeet! Aha-ha-ha! JENNY… Ikaw na!
Ano ba!? I’ll give you another chance para tumama ang sagot mo, ok? JENNY… Ikaw na!
Gosh! Stup…[unintelligible] Piktyuran na nga lang kita. Kaloka! Bimbee… wait for Mama, ok? Meron akong dalang sorpresa. Aha-ha-ha!
“If you build the guts to do something, anything, then you better save enough to face the consequences.”
~ Criss Jami
“It is not up to the senators to determine whether an NGO is bogus or not.”
~Jinggoy Estrada (Senator, reportedly)
Kung naniniwala kang dapat nang mahinto ang PAGNANAKAW ng mga pulitiko, taong-gobyerno at kanilang mga kasabwat sa buwis ng taumbayan, kita-kita tayo sa Lunes, Araw ng mga Bayani, August 26 sa Luneta!
I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
GENELYN MAGSAYSAY broke her silence Sunday. She delivered a 12-minute SONA exclusively shown on GMA 7.
According to Genelyn, Bong Revilla is using the Ramgen murder case to boost his chances in the “2013 presidential elections” Since the presidential elections won’t happen until 2016, Malacañang is verifying intelligence reports that Genelyn is planning to lead an “Oust Aquino Movement” soon.
In a videotaped message, Genelyn Magsaysay addressed the public as, “Mga minamahal ko…” No, thanks!
She added, “Ano po ba ang laban ko sa isang malaking pulitiko.” To which Bong Revilla said, “Mas malaki ka!”
And then Genelyn lectured, “Nais ko pong ipaalala sa mga hindi nakakaintindi na may tatlong sangay ng gobyerno. Ito ang lehislatibo, hukuman, at ehekutibo. Lehislatibo, ang sangay ng gobyerno na gumagawa ng batas; hukuman na siyang nagpapatupad ng batas, at ehekutibo ang nagpapatakbo ng gobyerno at mga sangay nito. Ang mga desisyon at pagpapatakbo ng bawat isa sa mga tao ay dapat malaya sa isa’t isa. Sa madaling salita, walang pakialaman.” Move over Father Joaquin Bernas! There’s a new constitutionalist in town!
Earlier, Genelyn Magsaysay said, “Hindi ko pinalaki at tinuruan ang mga anak ko na magpatayan!” Oh! So were you taught to have an affair with a married man?
Confirmed! Ramona Bautista is already in Turkey. That’s fowl!
And there’s another videotape. This time, the copy was exclusively given to ABS-CBN by Ramona Bin Laden.
Before she left for Turkey, Ramona Bautista produced her own video shown exclusively on ABS-CBN. That explains her absence at Ramgen’s funeral last November 2. She was busy rehearsing her lines.
In the video, Ramona tried to narrate what happened on October 28, the night Ramgen was killed. Not so surprisingly, her story had more versions than the Bible.
Ram Revilla’s girlfriend Janelle Manahan who survived the shooting will undergo facial reconstruction. With Interpol hot on her trail, Ramona Bautista wants one too.
Fliptop Battle: Magsaysay vs. Revilla
Wow! Kung magsalita ka naman, parang perfect ka ah
Anong ‘pinagmamalaki mo, ‘yang malawak mong panga?
Hoy! Kung gusto mong mag-bise, ‘wag mo kaming gamitin!
Ipaliwanag mo na lang kung sino si Josephine!
Anak ng teteng…
Huwag ka ngang mamersonal at ‘wag ka nang mandawit
Baka nalilimutan mo, minsan ka ring naging kabit!
Wala akong paki, kung kuya mong congressman ay rich
May respeto ako sa babae, kahit “menopausal bitch!”
Pucha ka! Bakit pati kuya ko ay iyong dinamay
Pinaplastic mo lang pala siya noong gabi ng lamay
‘Wag na ‘wag kang magpapakita rito, kapag si RJ nakalabas
Tingnan ko lang kung makaporma ka sa lalaking naka-Halloween mask!
In Other News
Miss Philippines, Gwendolyn Ruais won first runner-up in the Miss World pageant held in London early Monday morning (Manila time). Congratulations Gwen! You’re the man!
Meanwhile, Miss Philippines Diane Necio won Miss Internet Popularity in the Miss International pageant held last night in China. ‘k.
A grandson of Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile identified as Achilles Juan Ponce Enrile was robbed by the driver of a taxicab he flagged down in Mandaluyong City. When the robber announced, “Holdup ‘to. Ibigay mo sa akin ang pera mo!” Achilles said, “Oh no you don’t! I’m Enrile’s grandson.” The robber retorted, “Ah ganun!? Ibigay mo sa akin ang pera ng bayan!”
Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile’s grandson was robbed by a taxi driver. Sa awa ng Diyos, haping-hapi ang robber!
“Crime is a product of social excess.”
Quotes of the Week(end)
“Nakakalungkot. Malayo pa po ang eleksyon. Bakit napakaaga ng kampanya?”
“Pabalikin mo ang anak mo! Hindi ako naniniwalang hindi mo alam ang pag-alis niya!”
~Sen. Bong Revilla
“I pray for our finances. They are pushing us to the limit. I’m trying to cope, my children are the ones holding our allowance. I’m always the one making abono, they cut off our allowance but they are the ones living luxurious living. They have luxurious cars and houses.”
~Genelyn Magsaysay‘s Facebook status (October)
THERE GOES YOUR MOTIVE.
Sunday Inquirer Magazine’s cover yesterday, Nov. 6 was Vicki Belo. The cover says “BELO On Belo & Other Obsessions.” Below it: ENCOUNTER WITH A Mangkukulam”
Have a great week! Ingat!
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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
AGAIN, I would like to apologize for this delayed post. I promise to have regular updates after Christmas.
Speaking of Christmas, a number of political personalities emailed me and asked why their own re-creations/re-enactments of the Nativity Scene were not mentioned in the previous post. I told them I was running out of time when I uploaded that particular post last Sunday. Nonetheless, I promised to feature their own Yuletide anecdotes in the succeeding posts.
It’s the holiday season. It’s Christmas! The signs are all over: people flocking to Divisoria; Communist rebels declaring a truce with the government, and Satur Ocampo shaking hands with Bongbong Marcos!
Did you hear what happened when the First Gentleman dressed up like Santa at the palace? When he started talking, his grandchildren said, “You’re not Santa! You’re Santo Niño!”
A Yuletide trivia about the Defensor-Santiagos. Since 1992, Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago and her husband have refused to display Christmas trees in their house. Asked why, the couple replied, “Ganun katindi ang galit namin sa mga puno.”
Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay is perhaps the most consistent local executive when it comes to playing Santa to his constituents. He’s been doing that for 23 consecutive years!
Instead of designating someone to buy stuff for him, Sen. Manny Villar himself did the shopping this year. The most expensive item he bought was Loren Legarda.
Atty. Gilbert Teodoro had a difficult time shopping. So he just let Ronaldo Puno do the work for him.
Something bad happened to the Nativity Scene created by Sen. Panfilo Lacson. The three kings who were traveling at night were mistaken for robbers and were ‘neutralized.’ Lacson accused Erap of masterminding it.
The Liberal Party’s re-enactment of the Nativity Scene was one of the most controversial. Serge Osmeña backed out from playing Jesus when he learned that Ralph and Vilma would play Joseph and Mary.
In Pampanga, the re-enactment of the Nativity Scene at the capitol was ordered stopped by Governor Ed Panlilio. The priest-on-leave canceled the event when Mr. and Mrs. Bong and Lilia Pineda insisted on playing the role of the infant Jesus’ “godparents.”
In fairness to Lakas-Kampi-CMD, they did try to re-enact the Nativity Scene. They just couldn’t really complete the cast.
The Roxas-Araneta family had a lavish Christmas party in which the Nativity Scene was reenacted. As expected, Mar Roxas played Joseph. Korina Sanchez was infant Jesus’ stepmother.
Former senator Jovito Salonga’s favorite Christmas carol is “The Christmas Song.” He particularly likes the line that goes, “And so I’m offering this simple phrase/ To kids from 1 to 92…”
Sen. Ramon “Bong” Revilla Jr. also loves “The Christmas Song.” He gets horny when he hears the line, “Chest nuts roasting on an open fire…”
Senatorial aspirant and retired Army Major Gen. Jovito Palparan doesn’t like people in Santa outfit. He refused to elaborate but said, “I just hate Reds.”
Inquirer columnist Conrado De Quiros is giving away Transformers toys this year. He purchased both sets of Autobots and Decepticons… because he believes in toys that depict the battle between good and evil.
Rumors say Korina was a no-show at the Christmas party of ABS-CBN News and Current Affairs… making it the group’s most enjoyable gathering in recent years.
The Kapuso Network’s party for the press was well thought of. However, network bosses were reportedly alarmed when ABS-CBN’s press party got a higher rating from the attendees!
In terms of variety though, ABC 5’s Yuletide parties top them all. Every year, they celebrate the Holidays with new owners, new bosses, and new officemates.
Finally, for the first time in history, the Philippine Daily Inquirer and the Philippine Star had a joint Christmas party. Thanks to their joint sponsor, Noynoy Aquino.
“If I were given the opportunity to present a gift to the next generation, it would be the ability for each individual to learn to laugh at himself.”
Q: In Maguindanao, an unidentified person donned a Santa costume. He was really unrecognizable. But when he spoke three words, the kids around him yelled, “Andal Ampatuan Jr!” What three words did he utter?
A: Backhoe! Ho! Ho!
After watching them in a couple of presidential fora, who do you think deserves your vote in 2010?
NOYNOY AQUINO 25%
JC DE LOS REYES 1%
JOSEPH ESTRADA 1%
DICK GORDON 26%
JAMBY MADRIGAL <1%
GILBERT TEODORO 36%
EDDIE VILLANUEVA 5%
MANNY VILLAR 6%
We have a new survey. Please vote now.
I’d like to thank Senator Chiz Escudero for the Holiday txt greets. Chiz’ thoughtfulness never fails to amaze me – despite the heckling.
And to everyone who made this year a remarkable and memorable one for The Professional Heckler, Merry Christmas!
To borrow Pacquiao’s line: Maraming salamat sa inyung supurta!
Have a safe vacation!
Oh, what a week!
Just when presidentiables Ping Lacson, Loren Legarda, Richard Gordon, and Mar Roxas thought it would be a “Manny Villar on the hot seat” week, Bong Revilla enters the picture and grabs the limelight. Or as American Idol judge Randy Jackson would say, “Dawg! You came here prepared and you made it your own!”
Before I cap the week off with another dose of light bites…
Have you heard the news? Health officials have confirmed the first case of Influenza A infection in the country! The dreaded virus is definitely here. When Sen. Lito Lapid heard this, he immediately instructed his chief of staff to download Norton or AVG.
Hayden Kho has apologized for video recording his sexual trysts with different women. He has also volunteered to suspend his practice of medicine… to focus instead on producing “indie” films.
Dr. Vicki Belo finally admits that she also has sex videos with Hayden Kho. Lawmakers are now checking on whether there’s enough law against sexual predators to protect the elderly.
Q: What is over 6 feet vertically and 4.5 inches horizontally?
A: An “excited” Hayden Kho in front of the camera
Q: If Hayden Kho were Manny Villar, how would he make women happy?
A: Double the budget for them
Q: If Hayden Kho were Panfilo Lacson, how would he make women happy?
A: Sunud-sunod na putok.
Q: If Hayden Kho were Richard Gordon, how would he make women happy?
A: Do not rely on his tongue.
Q: If Hayden Kho were Mar Roxas, how would he make a woman happy?
A: Bring her to a noontime show, cry in front of the cameras, and tell her, “Ikaw ang nagpatigil sa aking pagkabinata.”
Q: If Hayden Kho were Jejomar Binay, how would he make women happy?
A: He waits ‘til they get old and then asks them to reside in Makati City
Q: If Hayden Kho were Noli De Castro, how would he make women happy?
A: Simple lang, PAG-IBIG.
Q: How can Hayden Kho make Loren Legarda happy?
A: He cannot. He’s not in his 70s yet.
Q: If Hayden Kho were Mar Roxas, how would he make women happy?
A: Puuutang-i*a! Sinagot ko na ‘yan ah!?!
Enjoy your weekend!
Bong, Hayden, & Sex Videos
In a privilege speech Tuesday, Sen. Bong Revilla hit Dr. Hayden Kho for recording his kinky sexual encounters with actress Katrina Halili and several other women. People who have seen the videos say they were really shocked by the sexual acts – although they were more shocked to hear Bong Revilla lecturing Hayden Kho on morality.
Lawmakers, feminists, and even his colleagues in the medical profession slammed Dr. Hayden Kho for the spread of his explicit sex videos. But here’s the strange thing: Sen. Bong Revilla, in a privilege speech Tuesday castigated Hayden Kho for his alleged immoral act. Now that’s like Jose Miguel Arroyo criticizing Ferdinand Marcos for being corrupt.
Sen. Bong Revilla had written the Professional Regulation Commission to revoke the license of Dr. Hayden Kho saying his recent acts were insulting to women. In retaliation, Hayden’s parents wrote the Commission on Elections to do a recount of Revilla’s votes saying his victory was insulting to Filipinos.
After Sen. Bong Revilla’s privilege speech, other senators expressed interest on the issue, and even suggested that a probe be conducted on the “Hayden files”. Panfilo Lacson and Jamby Madrigal, in particular, wanted to know if there was “double insertion.”
The sizzling videos of Dr. Hayden Kho and Katrina Halili so outraged Sen. Bong Revilla he was compelled to bring the issue to the Senate. He was really angry. But if you think you’ve seen Bong at his angriest, wait ‘til he sees the video of Hayden Kho banging Rufa Mae Quinto.
In a privilege speech, Sen. Bong Revilla denounced Dr. Hayden Kho for being a “maniac” – to which the embattled Hayden replied, “Bakit? Sino ba ang may walumpu’t walong anak sa iba’t ibang babae? Ako ba?”
This just in! A cause-oriented group promoting the welfare of senior citizens has begun to draft a statement against Hayden Kho. This is in preparation for the anticipated spread of the Hayden Kho-Vicki Belo sex videos.
Reports say militant group Gabriela will support Katrina Halili if she decides to file a case against Hayden Kho… prompting the celebrity doctor to issue statement clarifying that he’s not an American serviceman.
Vicki Belo was reportedly watching a newscast with a group of highend clients when a portion of Bong Revilla’s speech lambasting her beloved boy toy was shown. The utter humiliation melted her face.
Rumors say Katrina Halili and other women who had sex with Dr. Hayden Kho will surface to tell their side of the story. Yes, they are now ready, and are no longer afraid. To give you an idea how prepared they are, they all agreed to appear in a TV ad called “Ako Mismo… Ang Nasa Video!”
Have you seen the explicit videos of Hayden Kho with his victims? That was like the ghastliest thing Filipinos have ever seen… since the TV debut of Mar Roxas’ “Padyak” ads.
Remember when Jun Lozada was hailed by the UST community when he spoke against the ZTE-NBN deal? They trumpeted the values learned by Lozada from the priests of UST in full-page print ads. I’m wonderin’: was UST alum Hayden Kho absent when the priests taught the same set of values?
Bong & Alec Baldwin
Even before he spoke about, and against Hayden Kho, Bong Revilla was already in the news slamming Emmy Award-winning actor Alec Baldwin for his alleged “racial slur” against Filipinas when he guested on the “Late Show with David Letterman.” Baldwin joked about Filipinas as mail-order-brides. Can you believe it? Neither do I. Bong Revilla watching Letterman?!? ‘Di nga?!
Nobody has won Super Lotto’s jackpot prize of 116 million pesos… although every lotto bettor who’s seen the Hayden-Katrina videos felt like a winner.
On the Martin Nievera national anthem brouhaha…
Impose the law: 49%
Law? What law!?: 29%
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“Pornography is the attempt to insult sex, to do dirt on it.”
On Monday, May 11, Manny Pacquiao paid a courtesy call on President Arroyo. When Sen. Lito Lapid heard this, he curiously asked, “How much kaya?”
President Arroyo has just named Manny Pacquiao “ambassador for peace and understanding.” His first assignment? To settle the row between Martin Nievera and the National Historical Institute.
Also today, Justice Secretary Raul Gonzales appointed Manny Pacquiao as his “special assistant” on “intelligence affairs.” Gonzales declined to give an answer when asked if Pacquiao was tapped for his intelligence or his affairs.
Labor Day Fair
Did you hear about “Jobapalooza” – the Labor Department’s jobs fair last May 1? As it turned out, Manny Pacquiao submitted two resumés. Now he’s got two new jobs!
Laguna Rep. Edgar San Luis has filed a resolution seeking to confer honorary Filipino citizenship on Manny Pacquiao’s coach and trainor Freddie Roach. The resolution has reportedly gained the support of Mrs. Arroyo, the country’s honorary president.
Nene vs. Martin
Sen. Aquilino Pimentel wants to impose a month-long ban on Martin Nievera… something that’s totally unnecessary since the aging singer’s next musical project will not happen until February 2010.
The call for transparency with regard to the controversial “Ako Mismo” campaign is getting louder. And nastier. PLDT and Smart have already come out and admitted financing the ad. But irate bloggers demand more transparency. They want PLDT chairman Manny Pangilinan to come out next.
Kiko for Veep
Megastar Sharon Cuneta recently confirmed that her husband, Sen. Francis Pangilinan would run for vice president in 2010. If Kiko wins, Sharon becomes the Second Lady… as she has always been.
Q: What do Lacson’s, Villar’s, Roxas’, Legarda’s, Escudero’s, Fernando’s, De Castro’s, and Binay’s premature political advertisements share in common?
A: Our money.
Q: What is orange and pricey, 6 ft vertically and 19.7 km horizontally?
A: Manny Villar on C5 Road.
Q: What is pink, orange, and black vertically – and blue horizontally?
A: Bayani Fernando, Manny Villar and Jejomar Binay simultaneously peeing on Mar Roxas
Q: What is black and pale, and then, red all over?
A: Jejomar Binay before and after he was placed by Ping Lacson in a blender – alive!
Q: What is brown and white; in public, hold each other tight but four feet apart at night?
A: Jamby Madrigal and French husband Eric Valade
Q: What is black and pink, and red all over?
A: Jejomar Binay and Bayani Fernando after a fistfight
Q: What is blue and pale, and soft all night and goes Zzzzzz…?
A: Mar Roxas and Korina Sanchez on their honeymoon
Q: If Mar Roxas, Ping Lacson, Manny Villar, Loren Legarda and Erap jumped together off the tallest building on Ayala Avenue in Makati City, who’d land first?
A: Who the hell cares?!
Q: What is Loren Legarda’s best asset?
A: An ex-husband in jail
Q: What do you call an insect that goes inside Lito Lapid’s skull?
A: A space invader.
“There are two things people want more than sex and money… recognition and praise.”
~Mary Kay Ash
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Earlier this week, former president Joseph Estrada revealed the opposition’s 12 potential bets for senator in the 2010 national elections. Next week, he will reveal the names of 108 more – for the remaining nine factions of the opposition.
Ex-president Joseph Estrada has bared the opposition’s list of 12 potential bets for senator in the 2010 national elections. President Arroyo’s staunch ally – Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago was included in the list, to which the feisty senator said, “Nakakaloka!”
Former president Joseph Estrada has announced the opposition’s 12 possible bets for the 2010 senatorial polls. The list includes broadcast personality Teodoro Etong a.k.a. Ted Failon – something that didn’t really come as a surprise since Failon is affiliated with the only genuine opposition group in the country today – “ABS-CBN Party.”
Erap has bared the names of the opposition’s 12 potential bets in the 2010 senatorial elections. Liberal Party’s Mar Roxas II has also revealed his party’s three possible senatorial candidates. Asked why he picked only three, he said, “Bakit? Kasya ba ang labindalawa sa pedicab!?”
And did you hear the latest? Born Again Christian leader and presidential aspirant Eddie Villanueva has likewise picked his 12 bets for 2010. He declined to name all but he nonetheless identified four: John, Matthew, Simon, and James.
Bong Revilla’s Plans
Bong Revilla has decided not to seek the vice presidency in 2010. Revilla said he was happy and satisfied being an actor, a TV host… and a part-time senator.
Bong Revilla said he would no longer run for vice president in 2010. Making that decision was by far, his biggest accomplishment yet as a senator.
Bong Revilla has also confirmed that his actress wife, Lani Mercado will run for a Congressional seat in Cavite next year. Caviteños are now wondrin’ if they’ve done something bad against the Revillas to deservr such a harsh punishment.
The First Canine
The White House has a new pet! America’s First Family, the Obamas just bought a six-month-old Portuguese water dog. That was big news in the US! But here? That’s nothing. Malacañang has its own lucky bitch since 2001.
The First Canine II
People at the White House got so excited when they heard about the arrival of the Obamas’ new pet dog. That’s the exact sentiment felt by Malacañang staff when Jinggoy first arrived at the palace in ’98.
The First Canine III
There’s a new pet dog at the White House! But that’s nothing compared to Malacañang’s three rabbits.
The latest Social Weather Stations survey showed that 66 percent of Filipinos are opposed to a proposal to amend the Charter that would allow President Arroyo to extend her term. If it’s any consolation, a whopping 88 percent are in favor of seeing her inaugurate new road projects in Ifugao every week.
Of course, you’re aware that President Arroyo celebrated her 62nd birthday last April 5. But guess what, she’s now accepting gifts and surprises for her 63rd birthday next year. Do you know what’s on top of her wish list? An “advance party.”
De Venecia on Party Merger
Former House Speaker and Pangasinan Rep. Jose De Venecia Jr. warned that the proposed merger of Lakas-CMD and Kabalikat ng Malayang Pilipino (Kampi) could lead to a disaster. Come to think of it, JDV has a point… because the last time Lakas and Kampi solons merged, his Speakership bid had disastrous results.
Senate of the Philippines vs. Villar
Remember the controversial C-5 road extension project in Paranaque City, which received double allocation in the 2008 national budget? The Senate ethics committee headed by Panfilo Lacson has found the case against former Senate President Manny Villar over this road project “sufficient in form and substance.” For the interest of those who do not understand those terms, when you say “sufficient in form and substance,” it means… brace yourself guys: the election season has officially begun!
According to the Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines, the country is facing a serious shortage of priests. Hoping to entice young Filipino men to enter the priesthood, the CBCP says the Church is giving seminarians an opportunity to free education, an opportunity to serve the Lord, and an opportunity to become a governor someday.
Despite the serious shortage of Catholic priests, the CBCP has reportedly rejected the idea of accepting gay applicants in the seminary. Senior members of the clergy do not want younger competition.
The CBCP says it is discouraging gays from entering the priesthood. Asked why, a CBCP official said, “Heller! Gusto mong ma-imbyerna ang Papa?!”
Actor Richard Gutierrez filed a 25 million peso-libel case against entertainment website Philippine Entertainment Portal for the site’s inadvertent uploading of an unverified news report that Gutierrez got involved in a brawl with a fellow actor. Rumors say, if the actor wins the case, he’ll use the money to buy something special and essential for his mom – breeding.
BREAKING NEWS (April 17, 2009):
Lawyers of Annabelle Rama have issued a cease-and-desist order to prevent the Philippine Entertainment Portal from printing anything and everything on or about Richard Gutierrez because of the barrage of negative comments they generate against the Gutierrezes. Because of this development, the latest illustrated edition of Merriam-Webster will carry the photo of Annabelle Rama and family… beside the word “insecure.”
‘‘I’m running for vice mayor but I don’t know yet under which party.’’
~ Actress and Councilor Aiko Melendez on her plan to seek the second highest political seat in Quezon City
Manila Standard Today columnist Antonio Abaya wrote:
“… for the protest movement to gain the participation of the crucial middle class, trapos (like Erap) and Communists should be excluded from its leadership. I am glad that some people are finally realizing the validity of that limitation.” Read the complete article here.
“Never vote for the best candidate. Vote for the one who will do the least harm.”