THE LAWMAKER AND THE SNATCHER

Journeys to Jail

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Snatcher
Inakusahang nanghablot ng kwintas ng isang ale; halaga ng kwintas: halos P10,000
Senador
Inakusahang nagbulsa ng pera ng taumbayan; ang kabuuang halaga: P224.5M

Snatcher
Hinabol, tinugis, nakipaghabulan sa pulis
Senador
Tumawag sa chief of police; nakipag-usap tungkol sa pagsuko.

Snatcher
Pumasok sa mataong palengke; hinubad ang suot na t-shirt para ‘di makilala; nagpasikut-sikot, feeling action star ang pucha.
Senador
Nagpa-presscon. Nagsuot ng t-shirt: ‘Kakampi ko si Lord. Walang kokontra.’ Umiyak. Ang action star, nag-drama. (Pucha!)

Snatcher
Inabutan ng humahabol, tiklo! Nasampal pa. O, gago.
Senador
Nahirapang sumakay sa SVU. Ang dami kasing fans na gusto siyang makita. Magkabila ang hilera ng tao sa kalsada. Na-insecure ang Papa sa Roma.

Snatcher
Kinuyog ng taumbayan. Sinipa, dinuraan, sinuntok, sinikmuraan. Duguan. Snatcher kasi.
Senador
Dinumog ng reporters at mga tagahanga sa Sandiganbayan. Pinagpawisan. Maraming kinilig. Artista kasi.

Snatcher
Pinosasan. Kinaladkad patungo sa nanlilimahid na presinto. Hindi ka sikat. ‘Wag nang choosy.
Senador
Nag-file ng motion para makapamili ng detention facility. Siyempre, dapat malinis at cozy.

Snatcher
Kinunan ng fingerprints. Kinunan ng mugshots. Wasak ang mukha. Halos ‘di makilala.
Senador
Kinunan ng fingerprints. Kinunan ng mugshots. Fresh na fresh. Naka-smile pa. Pucha.

MUGSHOTS
Snatcher
Diretso sa seldang pang-apatang preso, pero ang laman, disiotso.
Senador
Diretso sa bagong renovate na seldang tila unit ng condo. Solo!

Snatcher
Deadma kahit mala-sardinas ang kondisyon.
Senador
Biglang nagka-migraine, tumaas daw ang presyon. [Pucha!]

Snatcher
Nakatulog sa sobrang gutom.
Senador
May libreng food! Pritong bangus at ginisang munggo. Boom!

Snatcher
Umiyak ang asawa; paano na raw sila kakain ngayon?
Senador
Umiyak ang asawa… pero ‘di bale, nakatira pa rin naman sila sa mansyon.

Snatcher
Nag-isip-isip. Ang masamang ginawa, ‘di na raw uulitin.
Senador
Nag-isip-isip. Tuloy ang plano: Bong for President sa 2016.

[Pucha!]

Top 8 Movie Projects Rejected By Bong Revilla

No. 8: You’ve Got Jail

No. 7: Kakabakaba Ka Bong?

No. 6: Crame and Punishment

No. 5: Meet the Porkers

No. 4: Bukas Luluhod ang mga Talo

No. 3: Eat, Pray, Rob

No. 2: Live Free or Lie Hard

And the No. 1 movie project rejected by Bong Revilla…

Man of Steal
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“Treasures gained by wickedness do not profit.”
~Proverbs 10:2

Sound Bites
“Lalabas ang katotohanan at maaabswelto tayo dito.”
~Bong Revilla, Imus, Cavite 6.19.2014

“We’re accomplishing what some people said was a near impossible task: to have these big personalities who are perceived as untouchable finally prosecuted.”
~Justice Sec. Leila De Lima

Have a great weekend Filipino taxpayers!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: ANC, Rappler, PNP]

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WRECKING BONG

IF KRISSY had written and delivered the speech of Bong Revilla, it would have been like this. Probably.

1CB
“HELLLLLO! I’m so happy to see you all. Promise. I’m so touched. As in!

Unang-una, sa mga supporters ko outside the Senate who are making sigaw and all, I like you naaa. Love n’yo ‘ko talagaaa. In fairness sa inyo huh – gumastos pa talaga kayo sa pamasahe from Cavite to the Senate para lang ipakitang love n’yo ‘ko. O, ba’t nakataas ang kilay mo Senator TG? I hate you! Sige na nga, I’ll admit it na. I paid for their transpo plus lunch and two sets of merienda. Gosh! I’m so honest na talaga. Feeling ko hindi ako si Bong aha-ha-ha.

Just so you know, I wrote two speeches for today. ‘Yong isa, I’ll make banat and sira Abad, Alcala, and President Aquino’s other kakampi. You know, damay-damay din, meron namang time. Sa other version, bait-baitan muna ako. Mas bet ko actually ‘yong una. Kaya lang, pagdating ko rito, sabi ni Lani, “Pa, tama na. Last mo na ‘yan so ‘wag nang masyadong nega.” Alam mo naman ‘pag si Kumander na ang nagsalita, follow na lang ako. So heto na nga, version 2 ang babasahin ko sa inyo.

Makinig ka President Aquino! First, gusto kitang i-remind na two years ka na lang sa office. Thank God! As in thank God! So ka ‘wag nang masyadong stubborn, ok? Heto ang advice ko sa ‘yo:

Pababain ang crime rate.

Pakainin ang mga poor.

Bigyan ng matitirhan ang victims ng typhoon.

Ayusin ang service sa NAIA.

Ipagamot ang mga less fortunate na may sakit.

Create more jobs… as in maraming, marami. Mga millions of trabaho.

And pababain ang presyo ng bilihin.

There! I’m sure, ine-nega mo na naman ako at sasabihing grandmotherhood statements ang mga sinabi ko. Care bears! Ang importante, gets ako ng mga loyal supporters ko. ‘Tsaka please lang Noy, tama na ang siraan, tama na ang sisihan. Love, love, love na lang!

Oh, before I forget, kayong mga nasa media, you’re so unfair! Wala na kayong nakita kundi kami nina Manong Johnny at Pareng Jinggoy. Paano naman ‘yong iba? Kami lang ba ang nagnakaw? Nakakaloka kayo!

Mr. President, bago ako magtapos, meron muna akong list. As promised, bonggang-bonggang list ito! Kumpleto at walang cover up!

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Una sa list si Lord. Kung wala ka Lord, baka bumigay na ako sa sobrang stress. Kaya lang, bakit gano’n Lord? Nagpunta na ako sa Jerusalem to pray pero deadma ka pa rin? Hay naku Lord, ayaw ko ng ganyan. ‘Pag napikon ako sa ‘yo Lord, tatanggapin ko ang offer ng kalaban mo. Ikaw rin. Don’t test me! Lord.

Pangalawa… my wives, excuse me, my wife pala. Singular. Aha-ha-ha Ma, thanks ulit for the love and patience kahit may kahati ka. Joooke! Tandaan mo, kahit ‘di ka beauty queen, reyna ka pa rin sa bahay natin. Todo na ‘to to the highest level! Aha-ha-ha!

And lastly, to some of my colleagues…

Senator Jinggoy: Iba ka talaga friendship. ‘Yong iba, ‘di pa nakukulong, ikaw naman, makakadalawa na. Winnnner! Aha-ha-ha

Senator Chiz: I heard, ‘di pa kayo ok ng parents ni Heart. ‘Buti nga! Bigla raw akong na-sad. I’ll pray for you. Promise.

Senator TG: Ayokong maging plastic. Hate na hate kita!

Senator Alan Peter: Isa ka pa! Tseh!

Senator Nancy: ‘Dinig ko kay Darla, ikaw raw ang sunod na ipapasok sa Bahay ni Kuya. Nude painting ang task at pupuwersahin ka. Kaloka.

Senator Miriam: Hay naku. Absent ka na naman.

Senator JV: Isa lang ang pakiusap ko sa ‘yo at sa kapatid mong si Jinggoy: Pwede bang mag-diet kayo?

Senate President Drilon: Ikaw rin!

Senator Bam: Wala lang. ‘Di pa tayo close.

To Vice President Binay: Malapit na po ang halalan. Pwede naman akong mag-slide sa VP kung kinakailangan. Alam mo na!

To former President Arroyo, maraming salamat ma’am for being my mentor. Grabe talaga, I learned a lot from you. Seryoso!

To Jenny Napoles… be strong. Two years lang naman ang kalbaryo natin. After 2016, keri nang lahat Mare. I miss you naaa.

Senator Lapid: My gosh, Leon Guerrero, I can’t believe it. Makukulong ako ‘tapos ikaw, hindi? Grabe. ‘Di ko talaga kinakaya. I hope you’re next. Ang bad ko ‘noh? Aha-ha-ha

Senator Enrile: I admire your courage Manong. Sabi mo kasi you’re not afraid na makulong for the rest of your life. Of course! At your age?!? Aha-ha-ha!

Thank you nga rin pala sa mga showbiz reporters na never nang-iwan sa akin. Sa susunod na presscon… don’t you all worry… doble na ang sobre. Joooke!

At sa mahigit dalawampung milyong bumoto sa akin, I love you all. Sobra. Bongga kayo. We so deserve each other!

‘Wag kayong mag-alala, babalik ako. Hellller! Siyempre, may eleksyon pa ‘noh! Need ko pa rin ang votes n’yo! Kaya babalik ako!

Before I end, may surprise nga pala ako. Dahil tinanggihan ako sa ASAP, dito ko na lang ilo-launch ang aking bagong single and music video. It’s called, ‘Wrecking Bong.’ Believe it or not, ako ang sumulat nito. ‘Di kayo naniniwala? Fine. Eh ‘di hindi. Madali naman akong kausap. Pero ako mismo ang kumanta nito. Promise. This is about the pork barrel scam.  Malinis ang aking conscience kaya ‘di ako apektado ng lyrics. Tamaan na ang dapat tamaan. Basta, I am innocent!

Sweetheart, ready na ba ang ‘yong panyo? Maiiyak ka sa ginawa ‘kong ito. And I’m sure, our viewers too! Lights off please. Sana po magustuhan n’yo.

WRECKING BONG

We lie, we steal, we keep our pork
We take never asking why
We sign, she gives projects to us
A scheme no one could deny

Don’t you ever say, you would walk away
If you’re offered that sum
Don’t say no, just try; take the cash and smile
Lie, if Benhur names you.

Chorus
I come in like a wrecking Bong
Who always hit Abad, PNoy
All I wanted was to break their balls
But they used De Lima to wreck me
Yeah, she, she wrecked me

I come in like a wrecking Bong
Who really hates kalbong PNoy
All I wanted was to break his balls
But he used Conchita to wreck me
Yeah, she, she wrecked me.

-End of Speech-

KrisPlea
On his looming arrest due to non-bailable pork-related charges, Bong Revilla said, “Huwag naman sana tayong babuyin.” That was punny. [I hope he’s aware of it.]

House Arrest
Both Jinggoy Estrada and Bong Revilla who have repeatedly told the media they were ready to go to jail are now seeking (house) mansion arrest. If granted, that would be bad news – for ‘No. 2’ (if any).

UP Fight!
On June 18, 1908, the University of the Philippines was founded through Act No. 1870 of the Philippine Assembly. UP is now 106 years old – or as Gigi Reyes would say, “Pwede pa!”

Movie Trivia
Forty years ago, Ramon Revilla Sr. made this movie.
1CB
Prophetic.
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“We don’t give our criminals much punishment, but we sure give ’em plenty of publicity.”
~Will Rogers

Sound Bites
“Strictly speaking, walang legal impediment sa gan’yan. The matter is actually addressed to his sense of delicadeza.”
~DOJ Sec. Leila De Lima on Bong Revilla’s presidential plan for 2016

Poll Results
Ano ang masasabi mo sa pagkakatalaga kay Manny Pacquiao bilang head coach sa PBA?
-I died. Lahat na lang pinasok?!? My gulay. 78.75%
-Why not? Mahilig naman sa basketball ‘yan. 11.56%
-Wala ‘yang alam sa pagku-coach ng professional basketball team. 9.69%

Justice for all taxpayers!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Aquino and Abunda Tonight, Philippine Daily Inquirer]

THE SINGING B (ANAK NG TETENG II)

Untitled2
BONG REVILLA delivered a privilege speech on Monday, June 9. After the speech, his fellow senators took turns congratulating him for the successful launch of his recording career.

Bong Revilla ended his privilege speech with a song – an original composition, in a music video presentation… prompting the Ombudsman to file additional charges against him for offending the public’s sensibilities.

The privilege speech of Bong Revilla on Monday was short. But he surprised everyone when he ended it with a song, an original composition. While the song was being played, shocked netizens kept asking, “What the fuck was he thinking?” He wasn’t.

On Monday, Bong Revilla delivered another privilege speech. This time, he was calm. And “composed.”

Bong Revilla thanked Senate President Franklin Drilon and expressed confidence that under his leadership, the Senate will successfully rebuild itself as an institution. And then he broke into a song. Talk about rebuilding!

1JB
According to Bong Revilla, President Aquino’s remaining two years in office must focus on addressing the needs of the Filipino people. He also advised Aquino to “lead the country not with hatred but with love.” The President’s spokespersons refuse to be upstaged so Abigail Valte, Sonny Coloma and Edwin Lacierda will answer Bong’s concerns while pole dancing.

On Monday, Bong Revilla sang an original composition titled Salamat, Kaibigan. Unfortunately, he failed to turn the judges’ chairs.

Saying mudslinging must stop, Bong Revilla stated, “Adhikain ko po na sana mula ngayon, wala nang dilaw, wala nang orange, wala nang berde, wala nang asul, wala nang pula.” That’s yellow, orange, green, blue, and red only. Did he just endorse Binay?

A confident Revilla said, “Magkakaroon din ng tunay na hustisya… sa naaayong panahon.” And Vice President Binay was like, “I’m not making any promises huh.”

After giving President Aquino a lecture, Bong Revilla bared his own “list.” Topping the list was God. He said God would never abandon him. In a statement, God denounced the ‘shameless namedropping.’

The embattled senator thanked everyone – senators, politicians, friends, movie fans, and loyal supporters who had helped him, one way or another. Janet Napoles resented the apparent snub.

Bong Revilla also expressed his gratitude to some 20 million Filipinos who voted him into office. I hope you’ve learned your lesson guys.

Untitled
Bong Revilla, one of the senators charged with plunder delivered a privilege speech Monday. That’s what the reports said: a privilege speech although it sounded more like a premonition.

The Lakas Party member also thanked Lakas stalwart and former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo for being his “mentor.” No wonder.

Addressing Sen. Sonny Angara, the actor-politician said, “I look up to your father.” And Sen. Loren Legarda was like, “I know, right?”

The family, friends, and staff of Bong Revilla were all present at the Senate gallery. There’s no truth to nasty rumors that their seats were labeled, ‘This is where your taxes go.’

Bong Revilla’s speech was 14-page long, typed, double-spaced on 8 1/2-by-11-inch bond paper. The font used was Comic Sans.

After the emotional and highly-anticipated privilege speech, Bong Revilla felt good. But Butch Abad felt better.

Krissy
Reacting to Bong Revilla’s criticism of his brother, Kris Aquino said, “Silence is better than BS (bullshit).” And Bong was like, “Is that for me o ‘note to self?’

11Anti-Corrupt
A group calling itself ‘Samahan ng Kontra Korap’ has expressed its support for Bong Revilla. Members of ‘Kontra Korap’ claim they do not know Bong personally. Also, they do not know the meaning of ‘irony.’

CBCP’s Call
The Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines urged Filipinos not to condemn pork barrel thieves. Quoting a verse from the Bible, CBCP President Socrates Villegas said, “Who are we to condemn? Let the one who has no sin be the first to cast a stone.” To which God replied, “Ewan ko sa ‘yo!”

CBCP President Socrates Villegas said Filipinos must not condemn people who stole taxpayers’ money. Coming from someone who doesn’t pay taxes, that’s totally understandable.
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“Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.”
~Voltaire

1212Sound Bites
“Tama na po ang awayan, tigilan na ang pulitika ng paghihiwalay. Tama na ang pambebengga.”
~Bong Revilla, June 9, 2014. Senate.

‘k.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Rappler, SolarTVNews’ Tricia De Leon]

DEFIANCE

ER
FOR OVERSPENDING last elections, Laguna Governor ER Ejercito was ordered unseated by the Commission on Elections. Loyal supporters of Ejercito have barricaded themselves outside the Laguna provincial capitol to express their undying love for the actor-politician. It pays to overspend.

On Tuesday, a defiant ER Ejercito faced his supporters and delivered an impromptu speech. It was so emotional and impassioned, Ejercito expected no less than a best actor trophy from the PMPC.

Here’s a portion of ER Ejercito’s speech yesterday
(And what he wanted to say but couldn’t)

“Binaboy at binastos ng Comelec at Malacañang ang 550,000 votes.”
(Hindi ako papayag na masayang ang 23.5 million pesos na nagastos ko. Hello!)

“Pilit po akong inaalis ng Malakanyang sa pwesto dahil hindi ako bahagi ng Liberal Party.”
(Actually, ang vice governor na papalit sa akin ay miyembro ng Nacionalista Party. Pero ‘di ko pwedeng sabihin ‘yon dahil mababawasan ang impact ng aking speech.)

“Hindi na nirerespeto ng Malakanyang ang rule of law.”
(Parang ako lang.)

“Ako ay mananatiling lehitimong gobernador ng Laguna ngayon at magpakailanman.”
(Sa dami ng nagkalat kong mukha sa buong probinsya, kahit wala na ako sa mundo, nasa Laguna pa rin ako. Tse!)

1New Gov?
Just a day after the Comelec released its ruling, Laguna Vice Governor Ramil Hernandez of the Nacionalista Party took his oath as new governor replacing ER Ejercito. Hernandez and Ejercito: The Fast and the Furious.

Mastermind
Janet Lim-Napoles has submitted an expanded list to the Senate Blue Ribbon Committee. In her 32-page affidavit, Napoles decried being labeled as the “architect of the PDAF scam” saying, she didn’t even finish high school so how could she have studied architecture?

1list

CBCP president and Lingayen-Dagupan Archbishop Socrates Villegas appealed to Filipino Catholics to pray an “extra rosary” from May 31 to August 15 for the “conversion of the culprits in the pork barrel scam.” Even God was like, “Good luck with that!”

Holy Visit
Pope Francis recently visited the Holy Land. When he arrived there, members of the international media asked, “Do you have a plunder case too?”

Privileged
Reports say Bong Revilla will be allowed the opportunity to deliver yet another privilege speech. Thinking Filipinos will have the opportunity to ignore yet another hour of blah blah.

Bong Revilla will reportedly deliver yet another privilege speech. Filipinos with low tolerance for bullshit are advised not to watch or listen.

Unfair
Jinggoy Estrada lashed out at the media for being “unfair” in reporting about the pork barrel scam. He said the media tend to focus only on three senators. The actor-turned politician added, “We also have an honor and a name to protect.” Where?

Quiet
Panfilo Lacson has not spoken to the press about the pork barrel scam for a couple of days now. I hope he’s ok.

1Fired!
The DOTC has fired controversial MRT Line 3 general manager Al Vitangcol III. The news wasn’t surprising at all. His term as MRT 3 head was a trainwreck.

In a Congressional inquiry, MRT general manager Al Vitangcol revealed that last May 26, he was fired when he told his bosses that he’s about to resign. That’s how badly they wanted him out.

Attacked
A large crocodile attacked and killed a 30-year-old fisherman in Palawan last Thursday. The fisherman was reportedly on his way to work when he was attacked by the reptile. Authorities are conducting a probe even as local residents started hunting the crocodile. Lawmakers appealed to the public not to judge their colleague pending full investigation.

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The Richest
The SALNs of senators are out. With a net worth of P1.6 billion, the richest senator is still Cynthia Villar. With a net worth of only P4.9 million, the poorest senator is still a multimillionaire.

To Catch A Thief
Policemen will reportedly ride the jeep in civilian clothes as part of the PNP’s campaign to catch robbers and thieves. Why ride the jeep? Why not just go directly to the Senate?

Naturalized
NBA center-forward Andray Blatche is now a naturalized Filipino. The Senate approved a bill seeking to grant Filipino citizenship to the Brooklyn Nets player so he could play for Gilas Pilipinas in the FIBA World Cup. This begs the question: when will they naturalize David Pomeranz?
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“Government creates wealth the way ticks create blood.”
~Grover Norquist

Sound Bites
“Bata pa lamang ako ay natuto na akong maghanap-buhay. Sa biyaya ng Diyos, sa aking tiyaga, sipag at pawis, at sa tulong ng mga taong nakilala ko, ito ay aking napalago hanggang sa aking narating ngayon.”
~Janet Lim-Napoles (Affidavit)

“Bukas tayo sa posibilidad na ang ginagawa lang niya (Napoles) ay guluhin ang istorya. Habang dumadami nang dumadami ang iimbestigahan natin, siguro kakaimbestiga time’s up na tayo. Hindi na naisampa yung kaso. Baka iyon ang strategy.”
~President Aquino

“My God! Kung alam ko lang na ‘yong computer eh Napoles, hindi ko na tinanggap ‘yon. Kaliit-liit naman no’n.”
~Sen. Cynthia Villar after being mentioned in the Napoles affidavit

The Sun

p

Poll Results
Sabi ni JV Ejercito, ang pagpapatalsik kay ER Ejercito ay bahagi ng ‘concerted efforts’ ng administrasyon upang ibagsak ang oposisyon.

-Boom peyns ka JV! Ang batas ay batas. Magpaliwanag na lang si ER sa korte. 56.29%
-Wala akong pakialam kay ER. Busy ako sa buhay ko. 37.42%
-Tama si JV. Namumulitika ang administrasyon. ‘Nak ng teteng! 6%

Jail them all!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: GMA News, @Angel_Atienza via ANC, Karen Davila, Philippine Daily Inquirer]

RATED SPG: VAGINA, GODZILLA AND OTHER STORIES

V
JANET LIM-NAPOLES’S personal doctors say she is suffering from vaginal bleeding. In the interest of fairness, we will get the side of the vagina.

According to her doctors, Janet Lim-Napoles is bleeding. Even her own blood couldn’t stand her anymore.

V
Reacting to Janet Lim-Napoles’s doctors’ claim that she’s suffering from vaginal bleeding, Sen. Sonny Angara said, “Well sa akin, ‘yong internal bleeding, mahirap idahilan ‘yon; kailangang ipakita din ‘yon.” To which, Napoles replied, “With pleasure!”

Janet Napoles is allegedly suffering from vaginal bleeding. But Sen. Sonny Angara believes, “Kailangang ipakita din ‘yon.” And former Senator Edgardo Angara was like, “Anak nga kita!”

Lies
Janet Lim-Napoles who repeatedly denied any involvement in the pork barrel scam is willing to undergo a lie detector test. In other news, Mila Kunis who’s due to give birth next month is willing to undergo a pregnancy test.

Pork barrel scam queen Janet Napoles is willing to undergo a lie detector test – on one condition. She wants multiple choice questions.

Janet Lim-Napoles’s lawyer Bruce Rivera says not a single media personality received gifts of any form from Janet Lim-Napoles. Also, the Holocaust didn’t happen.

According to Janet Napoles’s lawyer, not a single media personality received gifts of any form from his client. Even Lolit Solis was like, “Echosera!”

1K
Detention Cell
The Philippine National Police is renovating a detention facility in Camp Crame for Senators Juan Ponce Enrile, Jinggoy Estrada, and Bong Revilla in case the Sandiganbayan orders their arrest. The prospect of being imprisoned yet again doesn’t bother Enrile. He’s been through tougher times – like being a prisoner of love.

On Tuesday, Bong Revilla was quoted to have said, “Basta ang masasabi ko lang, handa na ako because God is with me.” To which, God responded, “#AsaMuch!”

Accused of plunder, actor Bong Revilla said, “Handa na ako because God is with me.” When God heard this, He slapped two angels. #boompeyns

Power
Reports say the country’s power situation will worsen in three years. Or as Jojo Binay calls it, “my administration.”

The power situation is expected to worsen in three years. Vice (future) President Binay is bracing himself for complaints, protests, and blackout-related jokes.

V
ER
The Comelec en banc voted 7-0 to unseat Laguna Governor ER Ejercito for overspending in the last elections. Ejercito will issue an official statement via billboards, tarpaulins and TV commercials.

Laguna Governor ER Ejercito was ordered to step down for overspending in the last elections. The Comelec said he spent P24.5M during the campaign – way above the P4.5M limit. The decision reportedly shocked Ejercito. Looking at his face though, it was hard to tell.

Reptiles
Godzilla is still showing in the Philippines. The hit franchise tells the story of a giant lizard that wreaks havoc on communities claiming lives and destroying properties. Godzilla is probably the most destructive reptile in history. In close second? The reptiles of Senate and Congress.
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“No matter how many lies you use to disguise it or how many excuses you bury it beneath, the truth will never cease to be true.”
~Richelle E. Goodrich

Sound Bites
“Ok lang, maski sino ang maging cellmate ko. Pwede namang Abu Sayyaf.”
~Juan Ponce Enrile

Poll Results
Lumabas na ang diumano’y listahan ni Napoles. Maraming bersyon. Aling listahan ang pinapaniwalaan mo?

-Wala. Pakamatay na lang silang lahat. 70.64%
-‘Yong Benhur files na lumabas sa Inquirer. 20.49%
-‘Yong kay De Lima na pirmado ni Napoles. 7.95%
-‘Yong kay Lacson na bigay ng asawa ni Napoles. 0.92%

Enjoy the rest of the week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine Daily Inquirer, Remate, Warner Bros.]

EXCLUSIVE: THE LIST REVEALED!

ACCORDING TO rehabilitation czar Panfilo Lacson, making public the so-called Napoles list will destroy the Senate. Which begs the question, “What’s there to destroy?”

denieceAttachments
What exactly is on that controversial list? According to unimpeachable sources, the list – saved in a USB flash drive has clickable links to several classified but unverified documents including:

– Actresses, sexy stars, beauty queens, and models who slept with Bong Revilla in the last 12 months

– Miriam Defensor-Santiago’s psychiatric evaluation report

– Bank accounts of JV Ejercito in the Carribean

– Cynthia Villar’s Botox procedure receipts that were allegedly charged to her office

– Records of Ralph Recto’s visits to a private night club in Quezon City

– 20 secret side accounts used by the staff of Alan Peter and Pia Cayetano to troll Vice President Binay and son, Junjun on Twitter

– Jinggoy Estrada’s confession letter to Erap (as regards what, nobody knows for sure)

– Transcript of sext messages between Juan Ponce Enrile and Gigi Reyes

– Minutes of several meetings between Gringo Honasan and retired Marine major Jaime Napoles

– Photos of Grace Poe and Bongbong Marcos together in a children’s party when they were toddlers. The caption reads: “They’re the cutest siblings I know. Proud Dad here. – Ferdie”

– Lito Lapid’s letter to the Senate president requesting that he be allowed to sleep during sessions citing his acute insomnia

– A loyal ABS-CBN supporter, Sergio Osmeña III’s subscription contract to PBB ALL IN 24/7

– Overseas itinerary of Antonio Trillanes’s staff while their boss was still in prison resulting in huge travel expenses

– Frank Drilon’s FDA-disapproved diet program

– A copy of Tito Sotto’s yet to be delivered (privilege) speech titled: “Ako, ang RH Law, at ang Panggagahasa Kay Pepsi Paloma – Diumano: My Version of Truth”

– Jewel May Lobaton’s tell-all affidavit in which she bared the shocking reason why she left Koko Pimentel; an allegation that could destroy the political career of the senator

– Contracts between Janet Lim-Napoles and her caterer-friends for the wedding of Bam Aquino and wife, Timi in 2012, and the christening of Chiz Escudero’s twins in 2008.

– Transcript of TG Guingona’s alleged one-on-one interview with Ruby Tuason the night before she appeared before the Senate blue ribbon committee

– Love letters between a former lawmaker and Loren Legarda

– Nancy Binay’s final OJT grade: Singko, which was changed to 3.0 after her father intervened

And lastly…
– An NSO-authenticated birth certificate of Sonny Angara; the document identified his “birth mother” as Loren Legarda.

KrisJinggoy
The Office of the Ombudsman is reportedly conducting a lifestyle check on Jinggoy Estrada. Already indicted for plunder, Jinggoy described the lifestyle check as “political harassment.” In layman’s terms, ‘karma.’

Jinggoy says he and his wife will be celebrating their silver anniversary on June 28. He described it as “a milestone.” Well, it is! Not everyone is given the chance to celebrate their anniversary in prison.

KrisBong
A defiant Bong Revilla recently dared Malacañang, “Ikulong na nila ako. Ngayon na! Hinahamon ko sila, ngayon na. Dahil pagod na ako. Masyadong mahaba na ang sakripisyo ng pamilya ko.” The impassioned statement received a salute from his family and an automatic nomination from PMPC.

Bong Revilla dared Malacañang to jail him now ‘coz he’s already tired. Here’s a tip: resign.

Revilla also accused Malacañang of ‘hostaging’ the Senate and the House of Representatives saying, “Kung anuman ang gusto nilang ipasunod, susunod lahat. Ano pa’ng magagawang matinong trabaho namin dito sa Kongreso?” And even Congress was like, “Trabaho? As if!”

KrisTechnology
Sony has invented a 185-terabyte cassette tape that could store 47 million songs. That’s the good news. The bad news is it will take you 47 years to rewind.

Sony has re-invented a cassette tape that will allow users to store 47 million songs. In response, today’s youth said, “What’s a cassette tape?”

KrisThe Barrettos
In a TV interview, actress Claudine Barretto, who’s at odds with her sisters, lambasted Gretchen Barretto and called her “heartless.” Addressing her ate, Claudine said, “You say you’re happy? I don’t see that. With your face all botoxed and all, I don’t see that.” Inside, Gretchen was very angry. Outside, it’s hard to tell.

An incensed Claudine Barretto told Gretchen, “You say you’re happy? I don’t see that. With your face all botoxed and all, I don’t see that.” Sources say Gretchen monitored the full interview. In fact, while watching the 10-minute exclusive, she didn’t blink.

Viewers have had enough of the Barretto sisters’ public catfight. They advised them to just move on. To which, Gretchen’s face replied, “Good luck to me!”
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“The problem with politics isn’t the money; it’s the power.”
~ Harry Browne

Sound Bites
“Sa pananaw ko meron itong national security kasi baka magiba ang Senado kapag nalabas ito sa publiko.”
~Panfilo Lacson on the so-called Napoles list

“Nagalit na naman ang aking kapatid. Sabi n’ya, nagpapapogi lang ako at his expense. I’ll have to be honest. Jinggoy and I are not close. He’s always furious with me.”
~JV Ejercito

UntitledDefinition
Lifestyle check is an investigation strategy developed by anti-corruption agencies in the Philippines to determine the existence of ill-gotten and unexplained wealth of officials and employees of the government. (Source)

Poll Results
Isyu ang bawat sabihin at gawin ni Kris Aquino. Maraming natutuwa, maraming naiirita. Sinong dapat sisihin?

-Pareho: Kris and media. 39.05%
-Hindi ko na lang pinapansin si Kris at ang mga balita tungkol sa kanya. Deadma. 29.88%
-Ang media. Bawat galaw kasi ibinabalita. 18.93%
-Si Kris mismo. Sumusobra na. Me, me, me and me. And more me. 12.13%

Have a great week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos courtesy of the Philippine Senate, Kicker Daily, Inquirer.Com, Rappler, Twicsys.Com, ABS-CBN News.Com, HarvardPolitics.com]

PLUNDER, ANNE CURTIS, JELLYFISH AND OTHER STORIES

IT’S ALMOST Holy Week. What have you given up for Lent? Smoking? Meat? Partying? That’s nothing compared to what Tanda, Pogi and Sexy are about to give up: freedom.

1plunder
For the first time in history, (three) senators have been indicted for plunder which is punishable by reclusion perpetua or life. And Senator Enrile was like, “Too late for that!”

Last Tuesday, the Office of the Ombudsman announced that it found probable cause to file plunder and graft charges against three senators, Janet Lim-Napoles, and their cohorts. According to the Ombudsman, Senator Enrile allegedly plundered P172 million; Jinggoy, P183 million, and Revilla, P242 million. To be fair to Bong, he’s a consistent topgrosser.

3Holy Land
Bong Revilla left for Jerusalem last week to pray. Last Tuesday, God gave an answer: No.

The Philippine Daily Inquirer reported that Bong Revilla met with Ping Lacson last year and asked how the once-fugitive ex-senator evaded arrest during the Arroyo administration. As expected, Revilla denied the report. Besides, if he wanted to evade arrest, he wouldn’t consult Lacson. He’ll consult his sister, Ramona Bautista (Revilla).

Interviewed on dzMM, Bong Revilla insisted, “Wala akong kasalanan. Sa mga gumagawa nito sa akin, bahala na si Lord sa inyo.” In response, the Lord said, “Thou shall not namedrop.”

1napHospital Arrest-ish
Suspected pork barrel queen Janet Lim-Napoles is now confined at the Ospital ng Makati. The period of confinement as approved by the judge covers “pre-operative, intra-operative, and post operative procedures.” In layman’s terms, “para-paraan.”

While confined at the Ospital ng Makati or OsMak, Napoles will be treated by at least six doctors plus an anaesthesiologist from the posh St. Luke’s Medical Center. The doctors will be transported to OsMak by shuttle service marked, ‘This is where your taxes go.’

On Thursday, April 3, the Manila RTC issued a freeze order on Janet Lim-Napoles’s and her family’s assets including real properties and bank accounts. In other news, doctors from St. Luke’s Medical Center have denied reports they’ll be treating Napoles.

1capBerated
Last Monday, President Aquino slammed the cop who arrested fugitive land developer Delfin Lee for talking to the media about his recent sacking and reassignment. President Aquino described Senior Supt. Conrad Capa’s behavior as a “disservice” to the PNP. Delfin Lee described President Aquino as his idol.

Kris and Herbert
Presidential sister Kris Aquino and Quezon City Mayor Herbert Bautista are reportedly “dating.” The date is ‘2016.’

Match
Columnist Ramon Tulfo says only Davao City Mayor Rodrigo Duterte can BEAT Vice President Jejomar Binay. He forgot Cedric Lee and friends.

1capAnne Curtis… Take 2!
It happened after midnight Tuesday at the birthday party of Vice Ganda. Reports say a drunk Anne Curtis shouted at young actor Sam Concepcion, “Why are you here? Who invited you? You are not classy enough to be here!” Sought for reaction, Concepcion said he’s still lucky Curtis didn’t threaten to buy him.

Moral of the story. Don’t drink and Anne.

ABS-CBN News reported that Anne Curtis got stung by a jellyfish Wednesday night. An investigation revealed that the jellyfish was a huge fan of Sam Concepcion.

A day after it was reported that a drunk Anne Curtis humiliated Sam Concepcion in a party, the Dyesebel star was stung by a jellyfish. ABS-CBN posted photos of Anne in a hospital bed. This morning, the jellyfish issued a statement denying participation in damage control.

Anne Curtis was reportedly stung by a jellyfish. The TV host/actress is now ok but the jellyfish has died of alcohol poisoning.
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“The law of karma is the principle of cosmic justice that holds that all good actions will be rewarded and that all wicked actions will be punished. Sometime. Somehow. Somewhere.”
~Chanju Mun, Buddhism and Peace

Sound Bites
“The Filipino taxpayers deserve a break from the hubris and arrogance of many lawmakers and other executive officials who thought all along that callousness as a way of life will remain unchecked as long they are in a position of power.”
~Former Senator Panfilo Lacson

“You can’t set an example if you will baby your colleagues. It should be heavy because they did not explain the use of those huge funds reaching ghost beneficiaries. How can they explain they did not guard this?”
~ Sen. Alan Peter Cayetano

Poll Results
Ano ang reaksyon mo sa balitang sina Kris Aquino at Herbert Bautista na raw?

I DON’T CARE! 53.67%
Nangangamoy 2016 ang tema ng pag-ibig na ‘yan. 25.87%
Ok lang. Kung saan sila masaya, bahala sila. 10.42%
Bakit si Herbert? Sana iba na lang. 10.04%

Jail to the thief!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Thank you ANC, Philippine Daily Inquirer, Rappler, ABS-CBN News, YahooPh/CosmoPh]

WHEEL OF TORTURE

THE PHILIPPINE NATIONAL POLICE sacked two high-ranking officials of the Laguna-PNP and 10 other police officers after it was revealed that jail officials in a detention facility in Biñan subjected detainees to a roulette game called ‘Wheel of Torture.’ The multicolored roulette wheel has several torture selections. Detainees are either punched a la-Manny Pacquiao, hit with a paddle, or forced to repeatedly watch Bong Revilla’s privilege speech.

WoT
Authorities have started investigating the reported torture chamber in a detention facility in Laguna. They wanted to find out if the ‘Wheel of Torture’ was allowed by high-ranking officials; if it has been going on for a while, or if it can be used to discipline members of the Senate or the Lower House.

Bong Again
Reports say Bong Revilla will deliver another privilege speech soon. That’s not surprising though. When an actor fails in his first attempt, a “Take 2” is necessary.

Bong Revilla will reportedly deliver another privilege speech. Either he didn’t read the reactions to his first speech or he’s become a masochist.

Junked
The Ombudsman dismissed Bong Revilla’s plunder case against pork barrel scam whistle-blowers. He’s now thinking of a “Boy [Something]’ to call the Ombudsman.

The Ombudsman junked the plunder case filed by Bong Revilla against PDAF scam whistle-blowers. I don’t think he could blame that this time on Mar, Noy or Benhur Luy.

Abolished
President Aquino has approved the abolition of three government bodies linked to the pork barrel scam. That’s the good news. The bad news is none of them are the Senate.

OBAMASOTU
US President Barack Obama delivered his State of the Union Address Wednesday morning (Manila time). CNN said Obama had some feisty proclamations. To be more convincing and sympathetic, he brought with him his wheel-chair bound father, Don Ramon Obama.

vhongVhong vs. Cedric
The CCTV footage in connection with the Vhong Navarrro mauling case has been released. According to the NBI, the condominium’s CCTV footage disproved Deniece Cornejo’s rape allegations against the TV host. The CCTV will probably help his case against Cedric Lee and company. Observers say Vhong is still lucky to be alive and even luckier that the mauling didn’t happen at NAIA Terminal 3.

BFFs?
All’s well between DILG Sec. Mar Roxas and Tacloban City Mayor Alfred Romualdez. They had a chance to talk during last week’s Senate hearing. Romualdez told reporters, “We were together in Congress. We’ve always been friends.” And typhoon Yolanda was like, “So fault ko na naman? Gano’n?”

shoesShoe Thief
In Tokyo, a 28-year-old man was arrested for stealing 448 pairs of high-heeled shoes. Again, that’s 448 pairs of shoes! Or as Imelda Marcos would say, ‘’Yon lang?!?

A Japanese man was nabbed for stealing some 448 pairs of shoes. Police identified the 28-year-old suspect as Sho Sato. No wonder.

A 28-year-old Japanese man was arrested for allegedly stealing 448 pairs of high-heeled shoes. When interrogated, the suspect said he “enjoyed stealing.” To which Filipino lawmakers said, “We can relate.”
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“Man is the cruelest animal.”
~Friedrich Nietzsche

Sound Bites
“Hindi po ako uuwi na hindi nagbibigay honor hindi lang sa pamilya ko kundi sa buong Pilipinas.”
~Deniece Cornejo via GMA News

Ano raw?

Headline of the Weak
So kailangang headline talaga ang mga ari nila?

vhong

Briefly Noted
Cedric Lee, Deniece Cornejo, and Maguindanao massacre suspect Zaldy Ampatuan have the same lawyer: Howard Calleja.

Kung Hei Fat Choi!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine Daily Inquirer, Commission on Human Rights, @nick_pants]

AMAZING!

FILIPINOS are still talking about Sen. Bong Revilla’s privilege speech last Monday. As expected, the public is divided on the issue: 50 percent sided with pork scam whistleblowers while 50 percent hated Bong Revilla.

To Senator Revilla’s credit, dozens actually believed everything that he said. All of them were Ramon Revilla Sr.’s children.

BONG
After the speech, wheelchair-bound Ramon Revilla Sr. faced the media to defend his son, Bong. To which, Nanay Curing Villar said, “Walang originality! Hmpf!”

In his privilege speech last Monday, Bong Revilla vehemently denied the accusations being leveled against him. And he felt really strange – mainly because in the past, when his wife would accuse him of something, he’d usually admit to it and apologize.

An enraged Bong Revilla said, “I have nothing to do with this scam, those whistleblowers, nor Janet Lim-Napoles. I have no dealings or transactions with them.” When God heard this, he slapped an angel.

The actor turned senator ended his speech saying, “I am not afraid. I have already surrendered my fate to the Lord.” His wife Lani Mercado was also quoted to have said, “We lift it all to the Lord.” Sought for reaction, the Lord said, “Kung maka-namedrop naman kayo! Tse!”

Bong Revilla coined the term ‘Boy Pick-up’ to describe Mar Roxas. But the DILG chief said Thursday, “Wala akong hard feelings sa kanya.” And Korina Sanchez was like, “I can relate.”

#Throwback
Before ‘Boy Pick-up,’ there was ‘Boy Bawang.’
mar

Revenge
Bong Revilla has filed plunder charges against pork barrel scam whistleblowers – proving once again that veteran action stars can be great comedians.

Hammer Time
CNN reported that five thieves armed with hammers robbed a jewelry store in Memphis, Tennessee. Shoppers were shocked when they learned that at least 65 Rolex watches were stolen, and were even more shocked when President Aquino and Mar Roxas showed up at the crime scene.

God-Given?
Pope Francis says the Internet is a gift from God. A slow Internet connection however is a work of the devil.

gmaImelda and Gloria
Former First Lady Imelda Marcos visited former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo at the Veterans Memorial Medical Center. According to Imelda, the government’s treatment of GMA “is so cruel… so unjust. It is not human.” When Manila Film Center ghosts heard this, they died (again).

According to the Ilocos Norte representative, the government is unjust and cruel to GMA. Imelda Marcos championing against injustice will be like Tito Sotto standing up against plagiarism.

Diet
According to ABS-CBN News, Robin Padilla’s wife, Mariel Rodriguez is now on her 11th day of a 16-day juice diet. The nutritionist’s advice to Mariel? Strictly no meat, no rice, and no partying at Privé.
———————————————–
“No guilt is forgotten so long as the conscience still knows of it.”
~ Stefan Zweig, Beware of Pity

Sound Bites
“The internet, in particular, offers immense possibilities for encounter and solidarity. This is something truly good, a gift from God.”
~Pope Francis

“That he did not do so while the impeachment court was in session makes him an accessory to the conspiracy he now complains about. That he is doing so now, after plunder charges have been filed against him, makes him sound like a gossipmonger who tries to project an air of innocence by smearing everyone else around him. No reasonable person can seriously assign any value to his speech.”
~Prof. Randy David, Kap’s Amazing Stories [Read full article here.]

O, loko!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine Daily Inquirer, Marcos Pa Rin FB]

THE PRIVILEGE SPEECH

Untitled
101 Reasons Why Filipinos Should Sympathize With and Believe in the Innocence
of Sen. Bong Revilla on the Pork Barrel Scam

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“It’s exhausting, the energy it takes to unknow a truth.”
~Chuck Palahniuk, Doomed