CHAROT: LACIERDA VS. SALGADO II

Whatevs! Pero aminin mo, natalbugan ni VP si PNoy nang mag-salute ang lolo ko sa mga deads na SAF44 sa kanyang TSONA! Ang tears ng mga utaw, nag-fall. Winnerrrr!!!

THERE WAS A HILARIOUS exchange between President Aquino’s spokesman Edwin Lacierda and Vice President Binay’s mouthpiece, Joey Salgado recently.

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When Lacierda described Binay’s TSONA as “charot” – gayspeak for ‘joke’ or ‘just kidding,’ Salgado replied: “Imbey ang fez ni secretarush dahil trulalu ang spluk ni VP. Pero ang Sona ng Pangulo, chaka ever sa madlang pipol dahil hindi trulalu.”

The word war did not end there though. Rumors say they traded barbs through text. Here’s the transcript sent by an anonymous source.

Lacierda:
Kung anik-anik ang say ng VP mo sa kanyang TSONA Velasquez, waley namang mention tungkol sa friendship niyang sina Ebeng Baloloy at Gerry Limlingan! Sinetch kayang nag-hide sa dalawa? Knowing na!

Salgado:
Malaysia at Pakistan! Wa ako care sa mga julalay!

Lacierda:
Care bears ka? O shokot lang kayo dahil baka mag-ispluk ang lola Ebeng at ang T’yong Gerry n’yo tungkol sa bilyones ni VP? I’m sure, gibsung kayo ng datung sa dalawa para mag-fly sila somewhere. Appear, disappear! Aminin!

Salgado:
Kebs! Basta ang knows ko hindi na keri ng mga utaw ang julok na MRT. Isang oras silang Pilar Pilapil ever sa mga stations ‘tapos pag-Sally Ride na, deadjavu lagi ang tren kaya mega walk na lang sila sa riles. Anong ginawa ng government? Witchelles. WITCHELLES!

Lacierda:
Gaga! Pa-arrive na ang mga bagong tren no! Atatchina ka. Wait mo lang maikabit para bongga na ang travel!

Salgado:
Whatevs! Pero aminin mo, natalbugan ni VP si PNoy nang mag-salute ang lolo ko sa mga deads na SAF44 sa kanyang TSONA! Ang tears ng mga utaw, nag-fall. Winnie Cordero!!

Lacierda:
Anong winner do’n? Imbey na imbey nga ang isang byuds ‘di ba? User-friendly daw ang VP mo! In short, echosera! Laugh nga ako nang laugh nang makita ko ang headline: SAF44 widow on Binay’s TSONA: “Huwag n’yo kaming gamitin” PLANGUK!

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Salgado:
Keri lang. At least, na-remember namin sila. Eh ang boss mo? Waley! Ang na-mention lang sa SONA: designer, stylist, sekretarya, at ang Robert Barbers n’ya! Keber naman ng mga Purita Kalaws at Portia Ilagans of this world sa designer ni PNOy ‘no? Walang relate sa life ng mga Iskuwala Lumpur ang “Thank You Girls” ng SONA. Nakakaloka!

Lacierda:
Tse! Sa survey naman ng Rappler, winner sa mga online voters ang SONA ni PNoy. Ang TSONA ni Rambotito… Lucy Liu!

Salgado:
Wapakels. Ang mga friendship ni VP, wala sa social media. Win pa rin siya sa 2016! Period! Walang comma!

Lacierda:
Assuming ka ‘teh! Careful. Baka after ng eleksyon, cryola ka.

Salgado:
Gaga! Paanong cryola? Win or lose, meron pa rin akong anda!

Lacierda:
‘Yun na!

Salgado:
By the way, ang T’yo Peping Cojuangco ng boss mo, nag-out na. Si VP ang bet niya. Bongga!

Lacierda:
Deadma! Basta sa amin ang apat na Maria. Keri na!

Salgado:
Ay! Apat ba? I heard ‘di pa sure ang isang lola. Alam mo na! Close sa mga junakis ni VP ang Kristeta.

Lacierda:
Truelagenic! Pero feeling ko, ‘pag nakausap na siya ni PNoy, sa amin pa rin ang join niya. Wait, anong reak mo sa say ni Mayor Duterte na mala-Marcos ang boss mo? Tarush ng comment n’ya huh!

Salgado:
Tigilan na natin ‘to. Fly pa kami ni boss sa Ilocos para mamahagi ng help sa mga purita.

Lacierda:
Mamahagi ng help o mangampanya?

Salgado:
Pak! Para sa ekonomiya! Kapal ng fez mo! Tama na! Late na ako sa flight. Ano bang oras na?

Lacierda:
Roxas na! Charot!

Salgado:
Ang chaka! Babu na!
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“In politics, absurdity is not a handicap.”
~Napoleon Bonaparte

Sound Bites
“Maybe you’ll have money. But even if your expensive lawyers find a way to get you off, people will still think you’re guilty. Losing everyone’s respect, the respect of people you know and the people you don’t? It’s a shitty feeling, trust me.”
~Angela, a character in the new series, Mr. Robot

Try to watch Mr. Robot. This new series is awesome!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Salgado/Lacierda: Inquirer.Net]

2016, HILLARY, MILK TEA AND OTHER STORIES

HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON has officially announced that she would seek the US presidency in 2016. When asked if her announcement was made too early, Clinton replied, “It’s actually too late – by Binay’s standards.”

1Clinton
Former first lady and secretary of state Hillary Clinton has declared her intention to run for president in 2016. With her announcement, Hillary expects critics to pounce on her. But she’s unafraid saying she doesn’t own an hacienda and she didn’t benefit from an overpriced building anyway.

In announcing her bid for the US presidency, former first lady and secretary of state Hillary Clinton said, “Everyday Americans need a champion. I want to be that champion.” To which Filipinos replied, “Don’t give Manny Pacquiao the idea. Please.”

In 2012, former first lady and secretary of state Hillary Clinton said she wouldn’t run for president of the United States again. On Monday, she declared her bid for the presidency. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo is suing her for copyright infringement.

All-time Low
Vice President Binay’s net satisfaction rating dropped to an all-time low according to the latest SWS survey. From +44 in December, it’s down to +31 in March. Since last year, his numbers have been declining. Even the Court of Appeals was like, “Can’t help you with that. Sorry.”

Quitting?
Online reports say DILG Secretary Mar Roxas is quitting his post this coming June. He didn’t elaborate on the matter but he told the media, “Everyday Filipinos need a champion. I want to be that champion.”

1ClintonSpecial Offer
Vice President Binay wanted DILG Sec. Mar Roxas to be his running mate in 2016. Apparently, Binay follows the dictum, “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.”

Advice
Reports say President Aquino has advised Sec. Mar Roxas to do something to improve his ratings in the presidential surveys. So this morning, Roxas petitioned the court to allow him to use the surname ‘Binay.’

1ClintonSecond Chance
Aldrin Jeff Cudia, the controversial cadet who was dismissed from the PMA last year has passed the entrance exam at the UP College of Law. If you would recall, the PMA kicked Cudia out “for lying.” Now, he wants to be a lawyer. He’s on the right track. Congratulations!

Delfin Lee
In a letter sent to the Senate, detained real estate developer Delfin Lee of Globe Asiatique accused Vice President Binay of extortion. Lee, who is furious at Binay, is facing charges of syndicated estafa, a non-bailable offense. When asked if he believed in the adage, “Galit ang magnanakaw sa kapwa magnanakaw,” Lee replied, “Correction please! I am not galit!”

Murder
The Volunteers Against Crime and Corruption or VACC is studying the possibility of filing murder charges against former PNP Chief Alan Purisima, former SAF chief Getulio Napeñas Jr. and President Aquino. The VACC is demanding justice, accountability, and publicity.

1Clinton‘Milk Tea’ Tragedy
Based on the initial tests conducted by the Food and Drug Administration, no toxic substance was found in the milk tea sample that killed two persons in Sampaloc, Manila last Friday. The tea house has been ordered closed but the son of the owner insists their products are safe to consume. To prove his claim, he’s willing to send unlimited free samples to the Senate and Congress.
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“Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.”
~Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

Sound Bites
“Eh ano ba naman ‘yong magkapatawaran do’n sa ginawa para lang sa taong-bayan, para at sa ikabubuti ng bayan natin.”
~Makati Mayor Junjun Binay on his father’s offer to Mar Roxas to be his running mate

“Whatever happens, I will never tread the crooked path. I will only follow the straight path.”
~DILG Sec. Mar Roxas

Have a great week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Clinton: Reuters; Roxas/Binay: Inquirer.net; Delfin Lee: Rappler; ErgoCha: @JLDeJesusINQ]