CIRCUMCISION, MICROBES, AND OTHER STORIES

Mayor Duterte says he will make public his medical records only if Mar Roxas will show he is circumcised.

1DDR
Sick?
Last Thursday, Mayor Rodrigo Duterte was forced to cancel a speaking engagement. Reports say a respiratory infection triggered a headache, nausea and vomiting – the same symptoms experienced by people who repeatedly watched videos of him locking lips with his female supporters.

Dare
When asked if he was willing to release his medical records to the public, Mayor Duterte said, “I will release them if Mar Roxas will show he is circumcised.” To which, Korina Sanchez replied, “Sus! Maliit na bagay.”

Dare II
Mayor Duterte says he will make public his medical records if Mar Roxas will show he is circumcised. The Roxas camp described this latest tirade as “below the belt.”

1BBM
Gimmick
Vice presidential candidate Bongbong Marcos recently launched an online gimmick called “Bongbong Into My Heart” – in which a lucky netizen stands a chance to win an exclusive lunch date with him. Apparently, Bongbong got his inspiration from Mayor Duterte’s own much talked-about gimmick called “Digong On Your Lips.”

Sacrifice
Lent officially started last Wednesday. It’s the time of the year when Christians usually give up something as a form of sacrifice like a favorite food, hobby or a habit. Grace Poe will never forget Lent of 2001. That year, she gave up being a Filipino.

Kissing
Scientists say there are 80 million microbes in a kiss but most are harmless and actually protect us from infections. Mayor Duterte calls it “a vindication of sorts.”

1D30
Breakthrough
Scientists have found proof of gravitational waves from two black holes that collided some 1.3 billion years ago. Filipinos would have been more impressed if scientists could help locate Ebeng Baloloy and Gerry Limlingan.

Premature Cam
Senatorial aspirant Sandra Cam is furious at Alan Peter Cayetano. Cam said Cayetano barred her from speaking at Mayor Duterte’s proclamation rally in Tondo, Manila. Preventing Cam from speaking was totally unfair because the crowd was deprived of the chance to ignore her.

Banned
PBA import Ivan Johnson of Tropang TNT has been banned from the PBA and was slapped with P250,000 fine for cursing league officials. The cursing import has since left Manila and relocated to a city deemed friendlier to him – Davao.

Forever
According to a recent Social Weather Stations study, 73 percent of adult Filipinos believe in ‘forever.’ To the remaining 27 percent… ‘wag nang bitter. Move on na please.
—————————————————————————————————————————————-
“Denial is a useful defense mechanism until it’s not.”
~Rosalind Kaplan

Sound Bites
“I am well. Do not worry about my health. Worry about yourselves so you can vote for me.”
~Mayor Rodrigo Duterte

“May nagsabi pa nga, ‘ano ba naman ang experience ni Senator Grace Poe, teacher lang ‘yan.’ Totoo, kulang ako sa karanasan sa pagnanakaw at pangungurakot.”
~Sen. Grace Poe

Happy Valentine’s Day!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte: ABSCBN News Screengrab; Bongbong Marcos Twitter; Gravitational Waves: Extreme Tech.com]

WANTED: RUNNING MATE

Ano ang masasabi mo sa alegasyong nagpayaman si Vice President Binay noong mayor pa siya ng Makati?

1PBR
OPPOSITION COALITION UNA has reportedly begun screening potential candidates for vice president. This, after Sen. Grace Poe and Davao City Mayor Rodrigo Duterte rejected a possible team up with Vice President Binay in 2016.

A written test for interested applicants was leaked online. Here’s a copy of the sample questionnaire.

UNA sa balota!
UNA sa paglilingkod sa masa!

Applicant No. _____

Buong Pangalan: ________________________
Edad: _______
Sex:
[ ] Twice a week [ ] Male [ ] Female
[ ] It’s Complicated [ ] Walang kasarian ang paglilingkod!

May secret bank account sa (markahan lahat na posibleng sagot):
[ ] Switzerland [ ] Cayman Islands [ ] British Virgin Islands
[ ] Others _________________ [ ] Ulol! Wala ako n’yan!

Dating Partidong Kinaaaniban: _____________________
Dahilan ng Pagkalas:
[ ] Wala silang pera
[ ] Wala silang tsansang manalo
[ ] Balimbing lang talaga
[ ] Prinsipyo! (Jooooke!)

Vice-President-Jejomar-Binay
Layunin ng Pagsusulit:
Gaano mo kakilala si Vice President Binay? Karapat-dapat ka bang maging running mate niya? Gaano kalaki ang tiwala mo sa kanya at sa partidong kanyang pinamumunuan? Maaasahan ba namin ang iyong katapatan sa UNA?

Ikaw ay may sampung minuto upang tapusin ang pagsusulit na ito. Start!

1: Bakit gusto mong tumakbo bilang running mate ni Vice President Binay?
A: Naniniwala ako sa kakayahan niyang pamunuan ang bansa.
B: Wala akong masyadong pondo para sa kampanya. At least siya, meron na.
C: Kung mananalo kaming pareho ‘tapos mai-impeach siya in two or three years, #AlamNa.

1B
2: Noong 2010 elections, sumikat ang linyang, “Ang kandidato ko, may B. Ang kandidato mo ba, meron din?” Ano ang ibig sabihin ng B?
A: Baloloy
B: Billions
C: Binay

3: Ano ang masasabi mo sa alegasyong nagpayaman si Vice President Binay noong mayor pa siya ng Makati?
A: Sorry, the number you have dialled is either unattended or out of coverage area. Please try your call later.
B: Pinupulitika lamang siya ng mga kalaban.
C: Can I use a lifeline?

1ct
4: Kung totoong tagahanga ka ni Vice President Binay, dapat nasusubaybayan mo ang kanyang buhay. Tanong: ilang taon nang nakaupo sa city hall ang kanyang pamilya?
A: 29 years
B: 1000 years
C: (Hashtag) #MayForever

5: Alin ang mas mahalaga: kandidatong may karanasan o kandidatong tapat?
A: Thank you so much sir for that wonderful question. Good evening ladies and gentlemen, good evening Makati! You know what sir, in my 50 years of existence, I can say that there is nothing major, major, I mean issue against experienced leaders. Because I’m very confident of VP Binay and the love that he gives me and the people of Makati. So thank God that Binay is here. Thank you. Thank you so much.
B: Alam ko kung ano ang pinupuntirya ng tanong mo: Binay or Poe. May choice ba ako?
C: Karanasan saan? Please elaborate.

1PDIpoor
6: Kumpletuhin ang very catchy jingle ng ating mahal na bise presidente: “Kay Binay gaganda ang _______.”
A: buhay
B: building
C: bigay

7: Vice President Binay, former Makati City Mayor Elenita Binay, Sen. Nancy Binay, Cong. Abigail Binay, and Mayor Junjun Binay. Ano ang stand mo sa isyu ng political dynasty?
A: Walang political dynasty! Ang political dynasty ay nasa puso ng tao, nasa puso nating lahat. Walang political dynasty!
B: Ano bang masama sa sama-samang paglilingkod sa taumbayan? Fault ba nila kung suportado sila ng mga taga-Makati? Kasalanan ba nila kung tuwing eleksyon ay sila lamang ang nananalo? Masisisi ba natin ang pamilyang ‘yan kung suportado sila ng mga maralitang taga-lunsod? Oust Noynoy!
C: Ayaw ko munang sagutin ang tanong na ‘yan. Baka ‘di ako mapiling running mate eh, mahirap na. Next question please.

1B
8: Ano ang ibig sabihin ng N sa acronym na UNA?
A: Nationalist
B: Nognog
C: Nakaw

9: Ang iginagalang nating pangalawang pangulo ay national president din ng isang grupo ng kapuri-puring mga kabataan na dedicated sa kanilang ginagawa. Anong grupo ito?
A: El Gamma Penumbra
B: Boy Scouts of the Philippines
C: Directioners

10: Kung hindi ka mapipiling running mate ng ating mahal na bise presidente sa 2016, sino sa tingin mo ang dapat maging VP candidate ng UNA?
A: Si Gerry Limlingan. Ilang buwan na niyang pinatutunayang never niyang ilalaglag si VP Binay. Super loyal siya.
B: Si Dr. Elenita Binay – para magtala siya ng record bilang kauna-unahang concurrent First Lady at bise presidente ng bansa. Binay-Binay! For the win sa 2016!
C: Si Noynoy Aquino. Opposites attract ‘di ba kaya perfect tandem sila: Inexperienced si Noynoy; experienced si VP; Bagong dugo si Noynoy, beterano si VP; hindi nagnanakaw si Noynoy, beterano si VP.

indexBonus Question
Sa pelikulang ‘Paano Ba Ang Mangarap’ nina Vilma Santos at Christopher De Leon, anong pangalan ang paulit-ulit na binanggit ng hysterical na si Ate Vi? Heto ang bahagi ng linya niya: “Wala akong pakialam! Ibalik mo sa akin si ________. Ibalik mo sa akin ang anak ko! Ibalik mo sa akin si ________. Ahhhhhhhh!” [Nahulog sa hagdan]
A: Jojo
B: Nancy
C: Junjun

Congratulations! Ang iyong pagsusulit ay nagtatapos dito. Hintayin ang tawag ng partido kung ikaw ay uusad sa ikalawang bahagi ng screening: ang panel interview. Again, don’t call us. We’ll call you.

Good luck at maraming salamat sa iyong pagtitiwala kay Vice President Binay at sa ating partido.
UNA sa balota!
UNA sa paglilingkod sa masa!
——————————————————————————————————————————-
“The man with the best job in the country is the vice-president. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, “How is the president?”
~ Will Rogers

july-6_rodSound Bites
“’Pag ako ang presidente, I will warn you I do not covet the position. ‘Pag naging presidente ako, magtago na kayo. ‘Yung 1,000 na ‘yan it would reach 50,000. I will kill all you [expletive] breaking the life of the Filipino miserable. Papatayin ko talaga kayo. D’yan mo makita tataba ‘yung isda sa Manila Bay. D’yan ko kayo itatapon.””
~Davao City Mayor Rodrigo Duterte

Stay safe. Always.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Binay 1: GMA News; Binay2: PhilStar.Com; Makati City Hall: Christian Bederico on Flickr; Makati poverty: Inquirer.net; Duterte: @mikevchua]