benjamin abalos – THE PROFESSIONAL HECKLER

FINAL DESTINATION

Breaking News: Scientists at the Italian Institute for Nuclear Physics confirm there’s such a thing faster than the speed of light. It’s Judge Jesus Mupas of Pasay City RTC Branch 112.

Reviled by probably, a majority of her countrymen for her alleged sins against them, former Philippine President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo was served an arrest warrant Friday… alive. Take that Libyans!

A warrant of arrest was issued by the Pasay City RTC even before the Arroyos could get to NAIA for their 5PM flight Friday. If it’s any consolation, that saved them time, effort, and their lawyer’s testicle.

When Mrs. Arroyo’s lawyers heard that a warrant of arrest was to be served Friday evening, they reportedly told the former president, “Brace yourself.”

Apparently, Judge Mupas found probable cause against Mrs. Arroyo based on the statements given by the likes of Lintang Bedol, former Ampatuan Sr’s aide Norie Unas, and Zaldy Ampatuan – or as defense lawyers would say, “Acquittal.”

It’s one humiliation after another for Mrs. Arroyo. First, she was barred from leaving by Immigration people. Second, she was ordered arrested. And for almost a week now, her infamy has been eclipsed by her lawyer’s balls.

At press time, Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo is under hospital arrest. At least four guards have been stationed at the St. Luke’s Correctional Facility.

Ahh, life. One day you’re the most powerful person in the country, the next day some Foto-Me employee is taking your mug shot.

On Friday, Cong. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo was booked for a flight to Singapore. The next day, she was ‘booked’ for a trip to the Southern Police District detention cell.

On Saturday afternoon, Mrs. Arroyo underwent booking procedures. Her mug shots were taken and she was fingerprinted. Expecting the worst, she allegedly phoned a friend and asked, “Will I be visited by 1 million?”

Lawyer Ferdinand Topacio appealed to the media to not release the former president’s mug shots. The police will ask the court to decide on the request… while ABS-CBN News will ask the public to decide via Monday’s TV Patrol poll.

Mrs. Arroyo has been placed under hospital arrest. President Aquino can’t wait for the trial, the verdict, and his next SWS performance rating.

Senior Supt. Joel Coronel of the CIDG says security is kept at a minimum since Mrs. Arroyo is not a flight risk or suicidal. In totally unrelated news, security has been beefed up outside the residence of Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago.

Experts say if proven guilty, Mrs. Arroyo could face up to 40 years in prison. In Hollywood, that’s 203 Kim Kardashian marriages.

A day after the Comelec en banc voted to file electoral sabotage charges against him, former Comelec chairman Benjamin Abalos was rushed to an unidentified hospital. When he heard about the Comelec’s decision, his blood pressure allegedly shot up to 180 over his dead body he won’t just surrender without a fight.
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“There is a higher court than courts of justice and that is the court of conscience. It supercedes all other courts.”
~Mahatma Gandhi

Quote of the Day
“Isusumbong po namin sa Korte Suprema ang ginawa sa amin. Hihingi kami uli ng TRO para ipa-suspend ang all legal effects ng [actions] ng joint DOJ-Comelec panel.”
~Lawyer Ferdinand Topacio, counsel for Mrs. Arroyo

Have a great weekend!

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SUCCESS!

FORMER PRESIDENT Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo’s surgery was successful. It was so successful,the First Gentleman was reminded of the 2005 Batasan break-in.

Pampanga Representative Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo’s cervical spine surgery was successful. St. Luke’s Medical Center was quick to deny though that former PNP director general and now Zambales Governor Hermogenes Ebdane was involved in the operation.

The surgery that lasted four grueling hours reportedly involved placing implants in Mrs. Arroyo’s cervical spine. Asked to describe that particular ordeal, Mrs. Arroyo said, “It was a breast-taking experience.”

Hello, Garci!
Zaldy Ampatuan has spoken. Lintang Bedol has surfaced. Senior Supt. Rafael Santiago has spilled the beans. It could have been the year’s biggest blockbuster. Unfortunately, the fourth avenger, Virgilio Garcillano backed out of the project. Sayang!

In a press conference at his residence in Baungon, Bukidnon province Saturday, Virgilio Garcillano insisted that the “Hello Garci” recording was spliced… prompting former palace spokesman Ignacio Bunye to deny that he coached the former election official.

Virgilio Garcillano denied that he was in hiding. He was just running away from Anthony Taberna.

DUE TO INSISTENT public demand, I am reprinting excerpts from the purported bugged conversation allegedly between then President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo and then, Comelec Commissioner Virgilio Garcillano.

(Conversation between a male and a female, May 29, 2004 20:43)
Female: Hello, Garshi?
Garshi: Ma’am?

Female: Shabi ko, hello Garshi! Hindi mo ba ako narinig!?
Garshi: Pizza Hut po ito ma’am.
Female: Ay shorry.

(Conversation between a male and a female, May 29, 2004 20:46)
Female: Hello Garshi?
Garshi: Pastilan! Ano bang kailangan mo? Pera na naman?!?@!$

Female: Gushto mong mawalan ng trabaho? Baka nakakalimutan mong ako ang nag-appoint sha ‘yo sha Comelec!?
Garshi: Ay sorry ma’am, akala ko asawa ko. Bale, mas mataas ho ngayon si FPJ. Pero pagdating ng Lanao, maco-compensate naman ho.

Female: So, I will shtill lead by one million?
Garshi: Parang ganun na nga ma’am ang lalabas.
Female: It cannot be less than 1 million, you know that.
Garshi: Pipilitin natin ma’am. As of the other day 982 thousand.
Female: Kaya nga. If we can get more from Lanao…
Garshi: May darating pa raw pong seven municipalities.
Female: Ok… ok Magpapamashahe lang ako kasi sumashakit ang leeg ko then tawagan na lang kita ulit.

(Conversation between a male and a female, May 29, 2004 20:43)
Female: Hello, Ben.
Ben: Hello, ma’am.

Female: Ano nang lagay natin? Mananalo ba?
Ben: Panalong-panalo ma’am! Pero kailangan nating pumunta ng Hainan para pirmahan ang contract with ZTE. Isang round of golf lang, aprubado na ‘to.
Female: Anong pinagshashabi mo d’yan! 2004 pa lang ngayon. Sa 2007 pa mangyayari ‘yan.
Ben: Ay sorry ma’am. Na-excite lang ako. Tatanong ko ho muna kay Bedol.
Female: Huwag mashyadong atat sa tongpats ok? Shige, will call you back.

(Conversation between a male and a female, June 10, 2004, 13:40)
Female: Hello, Garshi?
Male: Wala! Tulog! Umalis!

Female: Shino ‘to?
Male: Ikaw ang tumawag ‘tapos tatanungin mo kung sino ‘to? Helleeer?!!!
Female: I am shorry. Shiguro naman sha dami ng letter esh sa sentensh na ito, shuper giveaway na kung shino ako.
Male: Mrs. President??? Sus, ginoo! Pasensya na po! Hindi ko kayo nabosesan agad. Daaaaaaaddy, si Ma’am nasa telepono.

Garshi: Hello, ma’am? Sorry po, naglaro ng Snake ang asawa ko sa aking cellphone.
Female: Nag-usap na ba kayo ni Abalosh?
Garshi: Oo ma’am. Mamasyal daw muna ako sa Mindanao.
Female: May problema daw kasi sa South Upi. Iba raw ang pinroclaim.
Garshi: Hindi ho ako ang may hawak doon.
Female: Puntahan mo na. Kashi ang balita ko shi Fernando Poe gumagapang na naman doon.
Garshi: Napiktyuran ho ba habang gumagapang?
Female: Tanga! ‘Yong boto ang ibig kong sabihin. Masyado kang literal!
Garshi: Sige ma’am.
Female: Garshi…
Garshi: Ma’am?
Female: What are you wearing?
Garshi: Malaswaaa!
Female: Jussssh kidding! Tatawag ulit ako. Pumunta ka na sa Mindanao.

(Conversation between two females, June 14, 2004, 15:56)
Female 1: Hello Garshi?
Female 2: Sino Garci iyo tawag? Hindi ako Garci. Ikaw mali dial!

Female 1: Shorry, ahm, shino ‘to?
Female 2: Si Vicki ‘toh!
(Female 1 ibinato ang Nokia 7650. ‘Buti na lang sa sofa bumagsak)

(Conversation between a male and a female, June 16, 2004, 14:49)
Female: Hello Garshi?
Garshi: Ma’am?

Female: ‘Yong kabila raw, they’re trying to get the Namfrel copies of the municipal COCs.
Garshi: Wala ‘yon ma’am. Ok naman ang Namfrel sa atin. They’re now sympathetic to us.
Female: Pero does Namfrel match our tally?
Garshi: Oho.
Female: Sure ka? Paano ‘yong dagdag? ‘Yong dagdag?
Garshi: Ahm, we will get an advance copy para ma-remedyo.
Female: Ok, oo. Sige. Kumain ka na ba? Nagpahinga ka na?
Garshi: Sige ho ma’am, baka kung saan na naman mapunta ‘yan.
Female: Ok, ok. Shige.

And finally…
Female: Hello Garshi?
Garshi: Ma’am?

Female: Balita ko lalabash ka raw. Puwede ba nating pag-ushapan ‘yan?
Garshi: Nagbago na ho ang isip ko ma’am. Don’t worry.
Female: Ahhh, gano’n ba? Shige, pag successhful ang surgery ko bukas, may bonus ka sa akin.
Garshi: Sige ma’am. Get well soon po.
Female: Ok, ok.
(Conversation between a male and female recorded just last Thursday, July 28, 2011, 14:49)

Gecko Trade
The Senate committee on trade and commerce has begun its probe into the reported massive trading of tukô or geckos in the country. Among the invited resource persons were LTO Chief Virginia Torres and Kalookan City Mayor Recom Echeverri.

Tropical Storm
According to PAGASA, tropical storm Kabayan will exit the country on Wednesday. Asked if Kabayan could possibly return, PAGASA replied, “Depends on the offer of ABS-CBN.”

New Project
Nora Aunor is doing a drama series on TV5 and the network is reportedly looking for a leading man. Taking into consideration her “history,” TV5 is torn between Albie CASINO and Johnny Walker.
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“A lie may take care of the present, but it has no future.”
~Author Unknown

Today in History
August 1, 2009: At the age of 76, former President Corazon Aquino died. And Noynoy Aquino’s political career lived.

Personal
To our Muslim brothers, Ramadan Kareem! Kul ‘am wa enta bi-khair!

You Have Spoken
Dapat bang ilipat from June to September ang opening ng classes upang makaiwas sa bagyo??
-OO. Dapat matagal nang ginawa ‘yan. 48.79%
-NO. Ok na ‘tong ganito. Puwede namang mag-suspend eh. 45.16%
-Pag-iisipan ko. 6.05%

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Have a great week ahead!

SONA 2008

SONA: Cheers, Jeers, and then Some
President Arroyo delivered her State of the Nation Address on July 28, 2008 – her eight SONA in eight years as president of the Republic of the Philippines. If she stays good, she’ll have one left. If she opts to be bad, she’ll have more than that.

Leftist groups lambasted President Arroyo’s SONA saying it was no different from her previous SONAs. The president downplayed the leftists’ reaction saying it was no different from their previous SONA reactions.

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago gave President Arroyo’s Sona a grade of 1.5. Former president Joseph Estrada gave her 30 out of a perfect score of 100. Environment secretary Lito Atienza gave her 8 out of 10. Benjamin Abalos, Romulo Neri and the ZTE execs gave her a 13 under par/59 on a par 72.

Fernando Poe Jr.’s daughter Mary Grace Poe-Llamanzares who joined the militants’ anti-Sona rally told the crowd, “If FPJ had not been cheated, our Sona wouldn’t be like this.” That’s morbid. I can’t imagine a Sona being delivered… posthumously.

Sen. Jamby Madrigal described President Arroyo’s support for VAT as reckless and called on Congress to repeal the law saying it’s anti-poor… which should be the least of her problems considering the enormity of her wealth.

Fifty Cents Per Text
President Arroyo’s announcement that telecommunication firms have agreed to cut the cost of text messages between networks from one peso to 50 centavos received the loudest cheers from the people at the House of Representatives. Here’s the catch though: before you could avail yourself of that promo, you must first download an MMS photo of the president.

President Arroyo announced that telecom firms have heeded her request to cut the cost of text messaging between networks by half, from one peso to 50 centavos. Smart to Globe or Globe to Sun, singkuwenta. Smart to Smart or Globe to Globe, piso. Weird.

Well-Applauded
Reports say the president’s SONA was applauded 104 times. That figure could have been higher if the person assigned to press the “Canned Applause” button didn’t fall asleep while listening to her speech.

President Arroyo’s 2008 Sona was applauded 104 times or one more than 2007’s 103. Thanks to that brave mayor in “bahag.”

Chieftain Steals Show
Rosario Camma, the mayor of Nagtipunan, Quirino who is also the chieftain of the Bugkalots, an indigenous group, attended the Sona wearing only a G-string or “bahag.” He later claimed he thought Malacañang was inviting him to a sauna, not Sona.

Bugkalot chieftain and Nagtipunan, Quirino Mayor Rosario Camma who attended the Sona wearing only a G-string or “bahag” stole the show. Credit that to Malacañang who stole his clothes.

Bugkalot chieftain and Nagtipunan, Quirino Mayor Rosario Camma attended the Sona wearing only a G-string or “bahag.” He was later cited in the president’s Sona for the food sufficiency in his town. The moral of the president’s story? To achieve good harvest, wear a G-string while farming.

The mayor of Nagtipunan, Quirino attended the Sona wearing only a G-string or “bahag.” He later admitted it was difficult because he had to avoid staring at beautiful and sexy women in the gallery.

This early, Mayo Camma is being invited to attend next year’s Sona. But instead of a G-string, he must come in a suit. GMA will then cite him as an example of a tribesman who’s “ramdam na ramdam ang kaunlaran.”

This Just In: Annabelle Rama has threatened to pull out his son Richard Gutierrez as endorser of Bench after last week’s Bench denim and underwear show where his son was outshone by fellow Kapuso star Dingdong Dantes. She accused Bench of favoritism. Ben Chan was unfazed by the threat. He monitored the Sona yesterday and discovered a more daring replacement. Mabuhay, Chief!

A Glitzy Affair
President Arroyo’s Sona turned into an Oscar-like affair as government officials, lawmakers, their wives, and other celebrities showcased their gowns in the red carpet. GMA’s gown was by JC Buendia, Sen. Loren Legarda’s dress was by Paul Cabral, Audrey Tan-Zubiri’s attire was by Rajo Laurel, and Assunta Da Rossi-Ledesma’s terno was by her husband Jules.

Sen. Loren Legarda wore a backless Filipiniana dress at yesterday’s Sona. Senator Edgarda Angara wished he were single.

Sen. Loren Legarda’s backless gown exposed her flawless skin. Partida pa ‘yan! Kulang pa ng glutathione ang Lucida huh!

Sen. Jamby Madrigal looked elegant in her own terno. But everybody agreed, she would have looked better in a Barong Tagalog.

CHICKEN CROSSING (VERSION 2008)

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Here’s why according to controversial Filipino personalities (government officials, politicians, prominent businessmen, and local celebrities):

21: Lolit Solis: “Ma at pa! Basta! Sure ako sa aking nakita! Tumawid ang manok na ‘yan at may kasama pa siyang isa. Hinding-hindi ako magre-retract.”

20: ABS-CBN: “Somebody manipulated the chicken into crossing the road and we believe that the manipulator comes from another network.”

19: GMA 7: “We strongly condemn the insinuation that we were involved in the manipulation of the chicken. We will take this baseless allegation to court to clear our name.”

18: Juan Manuel Marquez: “To do some unfinished business.”

17: Manny Pacquiao: “I don’t agree. For me, business is over.”

16: Tim Yap/The Gucci Gang: “To party! (And snort some stuff.)”

15: Bb. Pilipinas-World Janina San Miguel: “Oh I’m sorry. A-ha-ha. I’m only 17 years old. I did not expect that the chickens is a tough hens.”

14: MMDA Chairman Bayani Fernando: “Pano’ng di tatawid ‘yan eh wala nang madaanan sa sidewalk. Okupado ng vendors!”

13: Joseph Estrada: “A legal study shows that the chicken can still cross the road even if it has failed to complete its first attempt to get to the other side.”

12: Albay Gov. Joey Salceda: “The important thing is the chicken didn’t get run over. Such a lucky bitch!”

11: Cory Aquino: “Why did the chicken cross the road? Let us all pray so that the truth will come out.”

10: President Arroyo: “I reiterate: my government is focused on the economy. We will not be bothered by the noise created by some fowls marching in some streets.”

9: CBCP: “We are also for the truth and we believe that no one should prevent witnesses from talking. But please, leave the chicken alone and let it finish its journey to the other side!”

8: Sen. Joker Arroyo: “Don’t mess around with my chicken!”

7: Sen. Jamby Madrigal: “Let’s subpoena the chicken and ask why. If it refuses to talk, I will expose its secrets.”

6: Sen. Panfilo Lacson: “I have a surprise witness who will tell us why the chicken crossed the road. Ladies and gentlemen… my witness!”

5: Leo San Miguel: “Aba malay ko! Wala akong alam d’yan.”

4: Benjamin Abalos: “Preposterous! I categorically deny na nagbanta akong ipapapatay ang manok na ‘yan kaya biglang tumawid sa kabila!”

3: CHEd Chairman Romulo Neri: “I heard that motorists always try to beat the red light in that street. I believe the chicken crossed the road to moderate their speed.”

2: Jun Lozada: “Kinabahan kasi ang chicken nang lapitan ito ng tatlong tandang na hindi nagpakilala. Naalala tuloy niya ang nangyari noon kina McChicken at Chickenjoy… kinidnap tapos pinatay.”

And the No. 1 answer to the question, “Why did the chicken cross the road?”

1: First Gentleman Mike Arroyo: “You keep saying that the chicken crossed the road but where is your evidence!? Maglabas muna kayo ng ebidensya!”

HERE’S TWO MORE:
Philippine Daily Inquirer (Banner Story): “Unnamed sources say the chicken crossed the road to lay eggs”

Two days later…

Philippine Daily Inquirer (Erratum): “We would like to apologize to the chicken. It couldn’t possibly lay eggs as what we have previously reported because the chicken was in fact – a rooster!”

Enjoy your vacation!

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