8 11 2012

BARACK OBAMA has been reelected president of the United States of America.. Shortly after his win, Obama delivered a victory speech. Some said it was inspiring. Others believed it was stirring. For Tito Sotto, it was worth translating.

In his victory speech, US President Obama said, “I have never been more hopeful about America. And I ask you to sustain that hope.” And then it got a bit weird when he declared, “Hahabulin natin ang mga tiwali at nagsamantala noong panahon ng pamamahala ni Ginang Arroyo!”

Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama won. Scorecard: Empty chair: 1, Clint Eastwood: 0

Barack Obama has won the presidency. Remaining allies of former President Arroyo have jumped ship and joined Obama’s party.

The second inauguration of Barack Obama happens on Jan. 21, 2013. There’s no truth to rumors he’ll take his oath before Conchita Carpio-Morales.

President Obama will have his inauguration on January 21, 2013. He personally invited Noel Cabangon to sing a couple of songs, or maybe more.

Republican Governor Mitt Romney lost to Barack Obama. Big Bird is inviting everyone to a Sesame Street Party.

Republican Congressman Paul Ryan lost his vice presidential bid. His devastated wife Janna said, “Losing was tough.” And Korina Sanchez was like, “I know, right.”

Paul Ryan lost the elections but he looks forward to returning to Congress. He’s now forming 1-America Always Alive , a party-list group.

The presidential election is finally over. The Obama administration should now focus on rescuing Rick Grimes, his son Carl, Hershel, Glenn, Maggie et al. in Atlanta. When will you act people? For chrissakes, Lori’s already dead!

The magic number to win the White House is 270. The magic number to win Malacañang was 0927-IGLESIA.

Polling data guru Nate Silver impresses Americans again as he calls every state right in presidential vote. He’s been accurate in forecasting the winner in every state as he did in the 2008 elections. I think we should be alarmed if Silver begins predicting the end of the world.

I believe however that Nate Silver would have NOT predicted the winner of the 2004 Philippine presidential polls.

Barack Obama has won the presidency. At press time though, Namfrel is still doing a quick count.
“In a victory speech, I like to thank the opposition, because without their help, I couldn’t have won.”
~Jarod Kintz, ’99 Cents For Some Nonsense’

Quote of the Day
“It doesn’t matter whether you’re black or white or Hispanic or Asian or Native American or young or old or rich or poor, able, disabled, gay or straight, you can make it here in America if you’re willing to try.”
~US President Barack Obama, victory speech

Enjoy the rest of the week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.



3 05 2011

MAY 1, 2011: AL QAEDA leader Osama bin Laden was killed in an operation in Abbottabad, Pakistan by US elite forces. Delighted by the successful operation, President Obama ordered the implementation of a salary increase for soldiers in June instead of July.

The whole world is talking about the death of terror leader Osama bin Laden. After last week’s Royal Wedding, Osama’s death is considered as another momentous global event… so huge that Merceditas Gutierrez thought of re-quitting her post yesterday.

In a statement following the death of Osama bin Laden, President Aquino called on the public “to remain vigilant and united in pursuing peace, pluralism, and collective efforts at security.” And then he blamed Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo for the growth of al-Qaeda.

Reports say US forces have buried slain al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden at sea… to the disappointment of his family and loyal supporters who were demanding that he be buried at the Libingan ng mga Bayani.

Within 24 hours after his death, Osama bin Laden was reportedly buried at sea. S-L-N. Sumalaot nawa.

Osama bin Laden has been buried. Unfortunately, only one Filipino was able to attend the funeral. She was bin Laden’s yaya for 14 years.

Osama bin Laden is dead. In a statement, Joseph Estrada said he has forgiven bin Laden.

Osama bin Laden is dead. Terrorists all over the world are now collecting relics of the slain terrorist leader in preparation for his beatification next year.

Al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden was killed inside a fortified compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan. Elite American forces reportedly found a laptop inside the terror leader’s room. They confirmed it was owned by bin Laden because the computer history revealed he had been searching Google for tips on how to cook camel afritada, goat menudo, and sheep embotido.

Unconfirmed reports say days before he got killed, Osama bid Laden was asked by the Saudi government to go back home. Had he returned, he would have been offered a post in government – DILG secretary.

Osama bin Laden’s death has been confirmed. And Cesar Purisima was like, “Buti pa ‘yon.”

Donald Trump was overjoyed when he heard that the United States of America have killed terror leader Osama bin Laden. He noted that what George W. Bush failed to do as an American was accomplished by his successor, a Kenyan.

British Prime Minister David Cameron said Osama bin Laden’s demise would “bring great relief to people across the world”. For more than a decade, bin Laden has terrified many Britons. With his death, Brits would only have to deal with the terrifying hats of Princess Beatrice.

Osama bin Laden, the world’s Most Wanted Man is officially dead. That’s bad news for the world’s Second Most Wanted Man.

When news of Osama bin Laden’s death first came out, nobody believed it… except for Philippine Star columnist Carmen Pedrosa.

Al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Ladenn was finally located after a 10-year manhunt. There’s still hope for our local police. Roselle Jakosalem Peñas has only been missing for 20 days.

Briefly Noted
The month of May started with the news of Osama bin Laden’s death. It will end with the news of Friendster’s demise. Sad news for their followers.
“We love death. The US loves life. That is the difference between us two.”
~Osama bin Laden

Photo of the Weak

‘Rot in Hell’: The Best bin Laden Front Pages

You Have Spoken
Ano ang reaksyon mo sa pagbibitiw ni Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez?
Dapat lang! Sana nga noon pa! 31.1%
Sayang. Sana umabot sa impeachment. 25.8%
Ang ganda ng gown ni Kate Middleton. In all fairness. 43.11%

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Live. Love. Laugh. Lakers. Peace everyone! 


28 09 2010

PRESIDENT AQUINO has returned from his US trip. In his arrival speech, the President made two important announcements. First, that the government was able to secure new investments from at least eight business firms, and second, that the country was no longer at war.

Inverted RP Flag
Rebecca Thompson, the spokesperson of the US Embassy in Manila apologized for displaying the Philippine flag upside down at an event in New York last Friday. [An inverted flag means the nation is in a state of war.] Thompson declined to confirm rumors that the Philippine flag was made in Hong Kong.

This just in! The person who reportedly made the (honest) mistake of displaying an inverted RP flag in New York has offered to resign from the Obama government. When President Aquino heard this, he advised President Obama to reject the resignation saying, “The guy is entitled to due process.”

With regard to some people who are making an issue out of the inverted RP flag incident, President Aquino said, “Maraming tao’ng walang magawa.” Ouch.

Aquino and Obama
President Aquino said he and US President Barack Obama met for seven minutes. Another source said, it was actually 10 minutes… but the first three minutes was spent looking for a lighter.

President Aquino and US President Barack Obama met for approximately seven minutes. Aquino spent two minutes discussing military matters, while Obama used all of five minutes apologizing for the inverted Philippine flag.

Top 5 Things Overheard at the Meeting of President Aquino and US President Barack Obama

No. 5: “Lights or menthol?”

No. 4: “I admit. I’m an instant fan. So tell me more about Charice.”

No. 3: “Can we have Kristie Kenney back?”

No. 2: “If Donald Tsang or anybody in Beijing bothers you again, I’m just a phone call away. ”

And the No. 1 thing overheard at the meeting of Presidents Aquino and Obama…

“I hope you won’t mind me asking but have you tried Svenson?”

Lito Lapid’s Bill
Senator Lito Lapid has filed a bill seeking to limit the weight of bags being carried by school children to schools. DepEd Chief Bro. Armin Luistro has rejected the proposal and urged other senators to file a bill seeking to stop Lito Lapid from filing similar measures.

Reelected Senator Lito Lapid has filed “An act limiting the amount of weight of bags carried by children in school and implementing proactive measures to protect school children’s health from the adverse effect of heavy school bag.” Tanong ng bayan kay Ginoong Lapid: Senador ka ba o pangulo ng PTA?

Top 5 Predicted Bills to be Filed Soon by Sen. Lito Lapid

No. 5: “An act limiting the use of ballpoint pens in primary schools to prevent inkblots on school uniforms”

No. 4: “An act promoting the use of Mongol pencil No. 2 in grade schools because they make the best marks”

No. 3: “An act seeking to penalize pupils who will be caught chewing a classmate’s eraser, notebook, pad paper, and all forms of writing implements”

No. 2: “An act allowing teachers to sell ‘tocino’ and ‘polvoron’ in public elementary and secondary schools on Fridays only”

And the No. 1 predicted bill to be filed soon by Senator Lito Lapid…

“An act seeking to make ‘Recess’ an elective subject; pupils will be graded based on the nutritional value of the food they eat during the 15-minute break.”

Kris Aquino has been told by the management of ABS-CBN to leave the poorly-rating game show “Pilipinas, Win na Win” starting Friday. Aquino was asked to quit the program following reports that several Kapamilya viewers have suffered from loss of hearing due to her ‘screaming’ habit.
“The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.”

Who The Heck?
Down-to-earth Politician [D2EP] has not seen long-lost dad for more than two decades – almost three decades, to be precise. Surprise! The father showed up just recently. According to D2EP’s uncle who was a witness to the reunion, while the father was filled with emotion, D2EP was like, “Uhmmm, okay.” Apparently, D2EP wasn’t as thrilled. Unknown to the public, D2EP grew up without a father. That’s the reason why instead of using the father’s last name, D2EP uses mom’s maiden name! Now you know. Clue: Enumerate the names of Jose Rizal’s siblings and you’ll get the answer!

Survey Says
Kaninong bersyon ng kuwento ang mas pinapaniwalaan n’yo:
– Archbishop Oscar Cruz 57.31%
– Tony Boy Cojuangco 2.4%
– Wala. 40.29%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

– The Professional Heckler does not maintain  an official Facebook account. To the person who created the Like Page, thank you. But I’d rather not have one.

Do not follow me on Twitter. Do not click here.

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13 06 2010

US President Barack Obama phoned President-elect Noynoy Aquino on Wednesday night to congratulate him. The telephone call lasted 20 minutes. It was a pleasant conversation between the two leaders who both vowed to strengthen bilateral ties. Obama excitedly inquired about Manila; Aquino enthusiastically asked about Virginia… tobacco.

During their 20-minute conversation, President-elect Noynoy Aquino and US President Barack Obama talked about their common habit: cigarette smoking. Obama vows to offer Noynoy advice on quitting smoking if Noynoy promises to give him tips on computer gaming.

World leaders continue to convey their congratulatory messages to President-elect Noynoy Aquino. Also on Wednesday night, Aquino got a call from Chinese President Hu Jintao… who informed him that China has just successfully tapped his conversation with Obama.

President-elect Noynoy Aquino received a call from South Korean President Lee Myung-bak too. President Lee thanked Aquino in advance for allowing half of the South Korean population to stay in the Philippines.

On Wednesday, President-elect Noynoy Aquino got a congratulatory call from US President Obama. Not to be outdone, Mar Roxas received a call that same night… from Sarah Palin.

GMA Calls Noynoy
Outgoing president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo congratulated President-elect Noynoy Aquino over the phone last Wednesday. Noynoy himself revealed that the call lasted only three minutes. Of course, that phone conversation could have been longer… if President Arroyo was a smoker.

President-elect Noynoy Aquino said he also got a call from outgoing President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo Wednesday night. A staunch critic of the administration, Noynoy admitted that he kinda felt “awkward” during the conversation… especially when Mrs. Arroyo started asking, “What are you wearing?”

Jose Maria Sison’s Allegation
From the Netherlands, CPP-NPA founder Jose Maria Sison accused Pinky Aquino-Abellada, sister of President-elect Noynoy Aquino, of conspiring with outgoing president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo and the US Central Intelligence Agency to “preprogram” the May 10 automated election system in favor of Noynoy. In another news dismissed as totally unrelated by local Communist leaders, the University of the Philippines Department of Psychology will release Jose Maria Sison’s psychiatric evaluation report.

Noynoy & Shalani
Apparently irked by questions on his girlfriend and their wedding plans, President-elect Noynoy Aquino told the press that he would have to consult Madam Auring on the matter. Shocked by Noynoy’s statement, Shalani Soledad blurted out, “Madam Auring na ngayon ang name ni Kris Aquino?!?”

Stars In Government
Unconfirmed reports say President-elect Noynoy Aquino plans to appoint film producer Lily Monteverde as Optical Media Board chair; young actor Dingdong Dantes as head of the National Youth Commission, and Mary Grace Poe-Llamanzares as MTRCB chairman. Earlier this week, Aquino has announced the appointment of Madam Auring as presidential adviser on marital affairs.

Revolving First Ladies?
If President-elect Noynoy Aquino requests it, Ballsy Aquino-Cruz says she and sisters Viel, Pinky, and Kris will take turns in playing the role of First Lady. Meanwhile, Dr. Elenita Binay has reportedly rejected Vice President-elect Jejomar Binay’s request to have revolving Second Ladies.
“Diplomacy is to do and say the nastiest things in the nicest way.”
~Isaac Goldberg

Survey Says
Should Mar Roxas file an electoral protest?
Oo naman. Malay natin, mabaligtad ang resulta. 26%
‘Wag na. Si Binay naman talaga ang nanalo. 53%
Wala akong pakialam. 21%

Newsbreak: Lack of ‘meddling’ First Lady a plus for Noynoy —analysts

Manila Standard Today: Inquirer drops Cunanan

Enjoy your long weekend!


17 12 2009

Official Candidates
The Commission on Elections approved the candidacies of eight presidential nominees: former defense secretary Gilbert Teodoro, Sen. Richard Gordon, Sen. Benigno “Noynoy” Aquino III, Sen. Manuel Villar, former president Joseph Estrada; Olongapo City Councilor Juan Carlos “JC” de los Reyes, Bro. Eddie Villanueva, and Sen. Ana Maria Consuelo “Jamby” Madrigal. It’s an all-male battle for the presidency!

Official VP Candidates
The list of vice presidential candidates approved by the Commission on Elections was more diverse. There was a woman (Loren Legarda) and there were two blacks (Jejomar Binay and Jay Sonza).

Perlas Is Out
The Commission on Elections rejected the presidential bid of Nicanor Perlas. The commissioners junked him when they learned that the environmental activist’s platform includes “Cleaning up the Comelec.”

Former actor, Marcos loyalist, and forever aspiring public servant Amay Bisaya reportedly vowed to commit suicide on Election Day if he loses his gubernatorial bid in Bohol province. But friends and supporters have advised Bisaya not to lose hope in case he doesn’t win at the polls. After all, he can always rely on a Comelec recount.

The latest Pulse Asia survey showed that 86 percent of respondents would enter the New Year with hope. But the Nacionalista Party is questioning the survey because the remaining 14 percent of respondents answered “Noynoy Aquino.”

Judge Dreads
Judge Luisito Cortez of Quezon City RTC Branch 84 has backed out from handling the trial of Datu Unsay Mayor Andal Ampatuan Jr. for the Maguindanao massacre. Asked why, Cortez replied, “Better back out than be backhoed.”

Ano ang angkop na deskripsyon, pamagat, o caption sa larawang ito?

A: “Teka lang, teka lang. ‘Wag n’yo na ‘kong kunan. Baka sabihin naman nila, gumigimik lang ako.”
B: “At least puwede ‘ko itong gawin. Si pinsang Noynoy, delikado. Masamang dumikit sa sanggol ang amoy sigarilyo.”
C: “Kapag ‘di pa naman nag-double digit ang rating ko nito, ewan ko na lang.”
D: Lahat ng nagiging trapo ay nagsisimula sa mga eksenang ganito.

In Texas, USA… Houston became the first city to elect an openly gay mayor, a historic development described by Comelec commissioner Nicodemo Ferrer as “immoral.”

US President Barack Obama recently guested on “Oprah.” Asked by Oprah to rate his first year in office, Obama answered, “It’s a B plus.” In the Philippines, President Arroyo guested on Boy Abunda’s show recently. Asked by Boy to rate her nine years in office, Mrs. Arroyo answered, “It’s an FG.”

US President Barack Obama recently guested on “Oprah.” Asked by Oprah to rate his first year in office, Obama answered, “It’s a B plus.” In the Philippines, President Arroyo guested on Boy Abunda’s show recently. Asked by Boy to rate her nine years in office, Mrs. Arroyo answered, “You mean, my first nine years?”

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi suffered a broken nose and two broken teeth when a deranged man hit him with a statue during a Milan rally. Berlusconi was immediately put into a car but remained calm and waved to to the crowd. In the Philippines, a deranged woman almost hit President Arroyo with a tomato during a rally in Manila. Arroyo was immediately put into a car but remained calm and declared Martial Law.
“Dum spiro, spero” (While I breathe, I hope)
~Latin Proverb (Cicero)

Survey Says
Are you done with your Christmas shopping?
YES! 10%
NOT YET. 73%
Bawal sa religion namin/Pass muna. 17%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.


14 07 2009

Kim Jong-Il
North Korean leader Kim Jong-il has pancreatic cancer. His doctors will not be releasing medical bulletins… but one of his daughters will appear in showbiz-oriented talk shows to discuss his condition.

Pfizer, Briber?
Drug maker Pfizer is reportedly frustrated at accusations it offered bribe to the government to delay the implementation of the cheaper medicines law. But Pfizer is more frustrated the government rejected it.

GMA_PRAY Arroyo’s US Trip
President Arroyo will finally meet with US President Barack Obama at the White House on July 30. She will be the first leader from Southeast Asia to visit Washington under the Obama administration… after earning the distinction of being the first leader from Southeast Asia to be snubbed thrice by the same administration.

Arroyo’s US Trip II
Some 100 congressmen are vying for slots in President Arroyo’s entourage in her July 30 trip to Washington DC. Not everyone will be allowed to leave though… lest the president be accused of smuggling crocodiles.

Pacman and Kobe
Fresh from his recent Nike pictorial with NBA superstar Kobe Bryant, Boston Celtics fanatic Manny Pacquiao is now saying he’s an LA Lakers die-hard. Wala pa man sa pulitika, balimbing na.
“I travel not to go anywhere, but to go. I travel for travel’s sake. The great affair is to move.”
~Robert Louis Stevenson


5 04 2009

Top 10 Ways the President Celebrated Her 62nd Birthday

No. 10: Hosted a Snow White-themed costume party. Guess who came as the 8th dwarf?

No. 9: When the clock struck 12, she wore a polka dot shirt and jumped up and down until she got tired.

No. 8: Participated in the reenactment of the annual Palm Sunday feast to commemorate the triumphant entry of Jesus into Jerusalem. She played the role of an ass.

No. 7: The same way she spent her 30th birthday. Let’s just say, the First Gentleman has never felt this “young” and exhausted again. (Eeew!)

No. 6: Was invited by a certain Mrs. Pineda to be the guest of honor in a special “President’s Birthday Draw” of a “numbers game” in her native Pampanga.

No. 5: Nothing much. Ash my father would alwayssh shay, jussht do what ish right. Do what ish bessht. And God will take care of the ressht.

No. 4: Declined the birthday presents from her children. Instead, she was the one who gave them gifts. For Luli, a book: Herb Kay’s “How to Get Filthy, Stinking Rich and Still Have Time for Great Sex!” For Mikey: an early endorsement for his 2010 gubernatorial bid in Pampanga, and for Dato: his own legislative district in Bicol.

No. 3: Got a surprise production number from her two sons Mikey and Dato, brother-in-law Iggy, and staunch House ally Prospero Nograles. They all performed the cha-cha.

No. 2: Didn’t sleep until 4am hoping she’d get a pre-dawn birthday call from US President Barack Obama.

And the No. 1 way the president celebrated her 62nd birthday…

Ordered the release of another high-profile murderer.

Happy birthday Mrs. President!

“No one is ever too old to do a foolish thing.”
~ J. Sheridan Le Fanu

Survey Says…
Are you spending the Holy Week outside Metro Manila?
Yes: 66%
No: 27%
Undecided: 7%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

UP NEXT:Ever wonder what would happen if our presidential contenders dropped the “kaplastikan” in their premature political advertisements, and become genuinely honest about themselves instead? In his next post, the Professional Heckler will bring you: Presidentiables: The Awful Truth in 60 Seconds (First In A Series of Suggested TV Advertisements).

Plus: A special Lenten post. Abangan!


15 03 2009

baracktele Obama and the President
US President Barack Obama made a surprise telephone call to President Arroyo early Saturday morning. To give you an idea how surprising and unexpected it was, ISAFP agents failed to press the “Record” button.

Obama and the President II
US President Barack Obama made a surprise telephone call to President Arroyo early Saturday morning. The call was totally surprising and unexpected, President Arroyo was compelled to put Cesar Mancao on hold!

gma_barack Obama and the President III
US President Barack Obama made a surprise telephone call to President Arroyo early Saturday morning. To give you an idea how surprised the president was, when she answered the call, she said, “Hello… Barci! Oops, I am shorry.”

Obama and the President IV
US President Barack Obama made a surprise telephone call to President Arroyo early Saturday morning. Rumors say it was lengthy conversation. To give you an idea how long it was, Cesar Mancao was forced to hang up and even threatened to revise his affidavit.

Obama and the President V
Reports say presidential daughters Sasha and Malia Obama have yet to receive their new puppy from US President Barack Obama. Maybe that’s the reason why Obama phoned President Arroyo. He’s looking for a “tuta.”

The Latest Survey
Vice President Noli De Castro topped the latest Pulse Asia survey with a 19 percent preference rating. He was followed by Sen. Francis Escudero, 17 percent, Joseph Estrada, 16 percent, Sen. Manuel Villar, 15 percent, Sen. Loren Legarda, 12 percent, Sen. Manuel Roxas II, 7 percent, and Sen. Panfilo Lacson, 6 percent. Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay got 2 percent while MMDA Chairman Bayani Fernando got only one percent. The First Gentleman was luckier. He got five percent.

Enrile and the House
Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile has proposed to increase the number of congressmen from 250 to 350. Enrile’s proposal is contained in his Senate Bill No. 3123 or An Act Establishing Metro Manila’s First Ever Crocodile Farm.

duterte Duterte and the Military
Davao City Mayor Rodrigo Duterte is reportedly fuming over the alleged human rights abuses of the military. Apparently, Duterte is threatened by the competition.

My date with my doctor has been rescheduled. I just had blood extraction yesterday. It was less painful than I expected. Tomorrow morning, I’ll be back at the Makati Medical Center. Heckling continues Tuesday.

“Alliance – in international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other’s pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.”
~Ambrose Bierce


25 01 2009

Local Obama
Last November, supporters of Jejomar Binay hailed the Makati City mayor as the Philippines’ Barack Obama. Last week though, deposed president Joseph Estrada’s spokesperson Margaux Salcedo said, “If there is anybody who we can call Barack Obama of the Philippines, it would [be] former President Estrada.” I think Salcedo was being humble though. Erap actually has the complete package: Obama’s charisma, Clinton’s sex appeal, and of course, Bush’s brains.

Supporters of Jojo Binay say he is this country’s Barack Obama, and Erap’s spokesperson believes the ex-president is the Philippines’ Barack Obama. Asked if she could also be our own Obama, presidential contender, Loren Legarda said, “I don’t know. Basta ang alam ko, I used to be married to a Dick Cheney.”

Take Two
Barack Obama had to take his oath of office twice because of a mistake committed by US Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts during the inauguration. Some people are making a big fuss out of Roberts’ flub. But you know what? That’s really nothing. Roberts only got the words wrong; Hilario Davide got the wrong president.

A classical performance by four acclaimed musicians: cellist Yo-Yo Ma, violinist Itzhak Perlman, pianist Gabriella Montero, and clarinetist Anthony McGill during the Obama inauguration turned out to be pre-recorded. Carole Florman, a spokeswoman for the Joint Congressional Committee on Inaugural Ceremonies, said the weather was too cold for the instruments to stay in tune. Irate fans believe Yo-Yo Ma’s Chinese parents had a hand in the “fake performance.”

Trillanes’ Expenses
A Commission on Audit report obtained by the Philippine Star showed that detained senator Antonio Trillanes spent more than half a million pesos for travel in the six months after his election in 2007. That was really surprising because the last time we all saw him out of jail, he was making his way on foot from Makati City Hall to The Manila Peninsula. Where is the travel expense in that?

According to the Commission on Audit, detained senator Antonio Trillanes spent more than half a million pesos for travel in the six months after his election in 2007. Visibly surprised by the COA report, new age guru Jaime Licauco said, “While it’s always possible for the senator to do astral travel, there was absolutely no need for him to spend a single centavo for that.”

Ateneo Turns 150
Ateneo De Manila University kicked off the celebration of its sesquicentennial or 150th year last week. Yup, Ateneo is 150 years old, and it shows! Then, they had the likes of Jose Rizal, Juan Luna, and Gregorio Del Pilar; today, you have the Jocelyn Bolantes, the Jose Miguel Arroyos, the Celso de los Angeleses, and the Jinggoys and Joseph Estradas.

Palparan’s Return?
Malacañang is considering former retired military general Jovito Palparan for a post in the Dangerous Drugs Board. Sought for a reaction on his impending appointment, Palparan said, “I hate Reds, alam n’yo ‘yan. Kaya ‘yong mapupula ang mata d’yan, magbago na kayo! Or else…”

The Vatican Online
You’ve probably heard about this. Pope Benedict XVI has launched his own YouTube Channel. The site is expected to become the second favorite among Catholic priests… next only to the YouTube channel of the Jonas Brothers.

below Again, Belo
Brokenhearted and still hurting from her break up with the 28-year-young Hayden Kho, 53-year-old cosmetic surgery expert Vicki Belo is reportedly spending some time alone overseas to “soul search.” But considering the extent of what she has done to her whole body, I wonder if there’s still a “soul” out there who’s willing to take it.

A 39-year-old Thai woman established a new world record by spending 33 days with 5000 scorpions. Back here, a Batasan Complex security guard is trying to establish his own record by mingling and spending three years with 238 crocodiles.

Personal esposo
I’d like to thank Philippine Star columnist William Esposo a.k.a. Chair Wrecker for the flattering write up on “The Professional Heckler” today January 25, 2009.

Survey Says…
What local news program do you prefer?
News on Q: 26%
24 Oras: 24%
TV Patrol: 17%
Newswatch: 11%
Bandila: 8 %
News Central: 5%
T.E.N.: 4%
Saksi: 2%
Others: 3%

We have a new survey. Vote now.

“Winners compare their achievements with their goals, while losers compare their achievements with those of other people.”
~Nido Qubein


20 11 2008

Postscript to a Senate Coup
Did you hear about US President-elect Barack Obama’s pre-dawn call to President Arroyo last Tuesday? They say Malacañang is so proud of that one call… to which Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile said, “That’s nothing! Before dawn last Tuesday, I received 13 calls.”

As of press time Thursday, both the Senate majority and minority were claiming Sen. Lito Lapid, the confused chairman of the games and amusements committee as their own – prompting the Kapampangan action star to complain, “Ewan ko nga ba sa mga ‘yan. Ang gulu-gulo at ang ingay-ingay sa session hall. Kulang na nga ako sa tulog eh.”

Sen. Francis Escudero wants the chairmanship of the powerful Blue Ribbon committee. Sen. Richard Gordon also wants the Blue Ribbon. Other senators want Alan Peter Cayetano to keep the Blue Ribbon. Everyone is desperate for the Blue Ribbon… except perhaps for Lito Lapid whose only craving is a Red Ribbon.

A Worried JDV
Reports say Cong. Jose De Venecia is worried about the upcoming new appointments in the Supreme Court. Two days ago, he got worried when Juan Ponce Enrile was installed Senate president. He is also worried Congress might totally junk the impeachment complaint filed by his son against President Arroyo. Kawawa naman ‘tong taong ‘to. Ayaw tigilan ng konsensya. Nakakatulog pa kaya siya?

Pulse Asia Survey
In the latest survey conducted by Pulse Asia Inc, 58 percent of Filipinos said they were “losers” or “worse now” compared to last year. Sen. Manuel Villar and Cong. Jose De Venecia share the same sentiment.

Somali Pirates I
According to the Department of Foreign Affairs, the number of abducted Filipino seafarers being held hostage in waters off Somalia rose to 134 after another group of Somali pirates seized a merchant vessel with seven Filipinos on board. President Arroyo is calling on all Filipinos to pray for the safety of the hostages. She ordered Press Secretary Jesus Dureza to lead the prayer.

Somali Pirates II
Somali pirates hijacked Saudi oil super-tanker Sirius Star with 19 Filipinos on board. Sketchy reports say the Pinoy hostages were allowed to use mobile phones. Those who were able to call home assured their loved ones they are being treated humanely, with some pirates even promising them clothes, food, and a chance to meet Johnny Depp.

If you talk to God, you are praying. If God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.
~Thomas Szasz


18 11 2008

The Coup
Sen. Manuel Villar has been ousted as Senate president and Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile was installed as his replacement. Sen. Gringo Honasan swore in Enrile to his new position. After 22 years, the duo has finally staged their first ever successful coup.

Juan Ponce Enrile is the new Senate president. In his acceptance speech, the 84-year-old lawmaker talked about the Senate’s advocacies, ambitious projects, and a bright future as an independent institution – words that were truly inspiring to hear… especially from someone who may no longer be there when “future” happens.

The Philippine Daily Inquirer identified the members of the core group that strenuously worked for Villar’s ouster: Loren Legarda, Panfilo Lacson, Mar Roxas, and Jamby Madrigal. However, even if you combined their best efforts, much of the credit should still go to Korina Sanchez.

Juan Ponce Enrile is the new Senate president. In his acceptance speech, he thanked everyone who helped him (snatch the third highest post in the land) especially Loren Legarda, Mar Roxas, Panfilo Lacson, Jamby Madrigal, and CP Garcia Avenue.

Another Inquirer report quoted an administration senator as saying Sen. Edgardo Angara plotted against Villar to advance the vice presidential bid of Loren Legarda who could become Joseph Estrada’s running mate if he decided to run. And we all thought the “affair” was over.

Administration senators who voted to oust Villar included Honasan, Richard Gordon, Edgardo Angara, Ramon “Bong” Revilla Jr., and Juan Miguel Zubiri. Lito Lapid who couldn’t understand what was happening also voted “Yes” to Villar’s ouster but only because he had a hard time spelling “Abstain.”

Sen. Manuel Villar said he was saddened and surprised by Jinggoy Estrada’s vote. He was even more surprised when the Senate allowed Lito Lapid to vote.

In a statement released following his ouster, Sen. Manuel Villar said he would now concentrate on being a fiscalizer, to which a curious Lito Lapid said, “So, may negosyo rin siyang abono?”

Tuesday’s headline of The Manila Standard Today reads: “Enrile two heartbeats away from the presidency.” When Noli De Castro saw this he said, “So kung ako, one heartbeat, kawawa naman si Pangulong Arroyo, zero heartbeat.”

In Other News…
Press Secretary Jesus Dureza said President Arroyo on Tuesday got a pre-dawn call from US President-elect Barack Obama. Obama reportedly assured Arroyo that good relations and cooperation between the US and the Philippines would continue… in her dreams.

US President-elect Barack Obama phoned President Arroyo on Tuesday at around 3:17 in the morning. Yup, that was a pre-dawn call. Apparently, Obama was hoping nobody would answer.

Malacañang said President Arroyo received a pre-dawn call from US President-elect Barack Obama. Obama praised Arroyo for being honest, hardworking, incorruptible, principled, morally upright, and ethical. And then she woke up.

Pulse Asia Survey
Vice President Noli De Castro topped the latest survey on presidential aspirants conducted by Pulse Asia. De Castro got 18 percent, followed by Manuel Villar and Joseph Estrada, 17 percent; Francis Escudero, 15 percent; Loren Legarda, 13 percent and Panfilo Lacson, 7 percent. With Mar Roxas placing a distant seventh, other presidentiables are hoping to avoid a clash with DZMM’s Korina Sanchez.
We have to distrust each other. It is our only defence against betrayal.
~Tennessee Williams


16 11 2008

De La Paz: Mea Culpa
Retired PNP comptroller Eliseo De La Paz appeared before the Senate Saturday and took full responsibility for the infamous Moscow incident. De La Paz says “it is a lapse on my part.” From requesting and approving 10 million pesos, to carrying the huge amount to Russia, to not declaring the said amount, to issuing conflicting statements as to the money’s real purpose – everything was his fault. In fact, De La Paz was too willing to take all the blame, he almost owned up to the fertilizer fund scam.

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago said De La Paz’s refusal to tell the truth and reveal the role of his superiors in the fund mess was a blow to the country’s efforts to get rid of corruption. And an even bigger blow to her planned revenge on Ronaldo Puno.

Obama’s Mother-in-Law
Reports say US President-elect Barack Obama is moving into the White House with his family including his mother-in-law. Yup, his mother-in-law. No Philippine president has ever done that… although Joseph Estrada did plan to bring one to Malacañang. He just couldn’t decide which one.

BF’s Posters
Reports say militants vandalized MMDA Chairman Bayani Fernando’s posters in Quezon City. They put a G between BAYA and NI… incurring the ire of actress Susan Roces.

Inspired by BF’s Win
After Bayani Fernando’s half-expected win on “Celebrity Duets,” more and more politicians are rumored to be joining (some were invited) reality competitions:
Jinggoy Estrada on “Scare Tactics”
Lito Lapid on “Average Joe”
Jamby Madrigal will try to pull off a Paris Hilton in the local version of “The Simple Life.”
– Retired PNP comptroller Eliseo De La Paz is reviewing for “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?”
President Arroyo, Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez, Loren Legarda, Jamby Madrigal, and the wife of Eliseo De La Paz will be featured on “Girls Behaving Badly.”
Tessie Aquino-Oreta is training hard now for “Dancing With the Stars.”
Noynoy Aquino might do “The Bachelor.”
John Osmeña might do “The Bachelorette.”
Jose De Venecia was actually invited to be a contestant on “The Biggest Loser.”
And finally, Ping Lacson has reportedly bought a new gun in preparation for his stint on “Kakasa Ka ba sa Grade 5?”

Have a great week ahead!

Few people have the imagination for reality.
~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe


12 11 2008

Birthday Boy Binay
Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay celebrated his 66th birthday yesterday, November 11. Residents of Makati couldn’t believe Binay was only 66 years old… considering that he’s been the mayor of Makati for like 75 years.

Supporters of Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay are comparing him to US President-elect Barack Obama. They’re both from the opposition, they’re both “black,” and they’ve been both snubbing President Arroyo.

Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay has announced his intention to run for president in 2010. Binay is reportedly hoping to become this country’s Barack Obama. Guess who’s running as his vice president? Jovito Salonga.

What else does the grapevine say? Oh, there’s the rumor that Korina Sanchez has expressed willingness to become Obama’s Oprah and that Archbishop Oscar Cruz wants to be the local version of the Reverend Jesse Jackson. As for the role of Joe the Plumber, Binay might pick obscure characters like Joe the Taho Vendor, Joe the Taxi Driver, or maybe something more obscure like, Joe the Former Speaker.

Makati City Mayor Jojo Binay has declared his bid for the presidency in 2010. When Panfilo Lacson heard this, he told his staff, “Research n’yo nga ang budget ng Makati for its road projects.”

Followers of Mayor Jejomar Binay are comparing him to US-president elect Barack Obama whose victory was eagerly predicted (less than a day after the voting) by its supporters in the media: CNN, MSNBC, NBC, ABC and CBS. In fact, even before yesterday’s Makati City rally could finish, Binay’s win was already predicted by ABS-CBN, the Philippine Daily Inquirer, the Daily Tribune, and Malaya.

Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay is projecting himself as the Barack Obama of the Philippines. Now hear this: Loren Legarda wants to be the next Sarah Palin, a simple woman whose hobbies include shooting moose in Alaska. In fact, just to learn how to shoot, Loren’s willing to reconcile with Tony Leviste.

Yesterday, November 11, Makati City came out with full-page newspaper advertisements hailing Mayor Jejomar Binay’s rags-to-riches story. Not to be upstaged is former senator John Osmeña who’s also coming out with full-page ads on his drags to bitches story.

Top 5 Rejected Slogans for Mayor Jejomar Binay’s Presidential Campaign

5: Kung nais mo ng liwanag, iboto ang DILIM.

4: Feeling tired? Looking haggard? Sagot ni Binay ang yellow card!

3: Gilagid man ay maitim, malinis naman ang hangarin.

2: No Retreat, No Surrender, Kahit May Kasong Plunder!

And the No.1 rejected slogan for Mayor Jejomar Binay’s presidential campaign…

1: Sinimulang pandarambong sa munisipyo
Ipagpapatuloy ko sa palasyo!
(Promise, may share uli kayo.
Ooops, joke lang po ito!)

(This post was featured on TV5’s TEN:The Evening News on November 12, 2008.)

Miriam Too?
Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago says she might consider running for president “just to be a spoiler” then added that the idea of seeking another Senate term already makes her yawn… to which Sen. Lito Lapid said, “Ay oo, masamang maghikab sa session. Kaya ako, itinutulog ko na lang.”

God and Showbiz
Asked about her recent break up with (alleged) boyfriend, Sam Milby, young actress Anne Curtis said, “Kailangan niyang mag-concentrate muna do’n sa relationship niya with God,” to which God said, “Whaaaatever!”

The ambitious are forever followed by adulation for they receive the most pleasure from flattery.
–Oliver Goldsmith


8 11 2008

Obama and Nine World Leaders
President-elect Barack Obama spoke by telephone with the leaders of nine US allies to express thanks for their messages of congratulations. He returned the calls to the leaders of Australia, Britain, Canada, France, Germany, Israel, Japan, Mexico and South Korea. Obama actually considered returning the call of President Arroyo but decided to postpone it… until such time his intelligence adviser has given him the assurance his call won’t be wiretapped.

Miriam’s Failed ICJ Seat Bid
After being edged out by the candidate from the African nation of Somalia, Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago lost her bid for a seat in the International Court of Justice (ICJ). Reporters tried to get Santiago’s reaction but her staff said she was busy doing a background check on the Somalian candidate… whose intense ICJ campaign she suspected of having been run by DILG Sec. Ronaldo Puno.

Bolante Update
The spokeswoman of St. Luke’s Medical Center said former agriculture undersecretary Jocjoc Bolante was diagnosed with a sleeping disorder and must stay in the hospital for further tests. Asked about the possible cause of the disorder, she replied, “severe exhaustion of the conscience.”

The spokeswoman of St. Luke’s Medical Center said former agriculture undersecretary Jocjoc Bolante was diagnosed with a sleeping disorder. Now that’s really bad. Noon, ‘yong mga dating kaibigan lang ang ayaw dumalaw sa kanya. Ngayon naman, pati antok ayaw siyang dalawin.

CNN’s New Technology
Remember the holographic technology used by CNN in its election coverage last week? A reporter who was actually in Chicago was made to look as if she was right inside the network’s Manhattan studio. Amazing! That’s the same technology being used now by St. Luke’s Medical Center to make it appear Jocjoc Bolante’s still there.

SWS Survey
The third quarter survey conducted by the Social Weather Stations showed that Vice President Noli De Castro (29%) was still the top pick of Filipinos to replace President Arroyo in 2010. Senate President Manuel Villar (28%) came in close second, and Sen. Loren Legarda (26%) placed third. Cong. Jose De Venecia got one percent… which probably explains why he spent two whole days at the cemetery on November 1 & 2. He visited his political career.

Mass in Malacañang
Shortly before midnight on Friday, President Arroyo heard mass in Malacañang celebrated by a bishop from Quezon, and organized by NGO leader Evelyn Kilayko amid rumors of a destabilization plot. Kilayko says she received a text message saying Jose De Venecia is leading the plot. Apparently, Kilayko is not used to receiving text jokes.

ABS-CBN Lets Go of Luchi
ABS-CBN confirmed the resignation of Luchi Cruz-Valdez, vice-president for news production & current affairs after a bitter dispute with fellow news executive Maria Ressa. ABS-CBN accepted her resignation and hailed her contribution to the organization, and to the network’s cost-cutting measures.

With the resignation of Luchi Cruz-Valdez, the network’s so-called group of “tres marias” aka “three divas” has officially been dissolved. The remaining duo of Maria Ressa and Charie Villa will soon be known as “dos lesbos.”

Bayani Wins TV Tilt
MMDA Chairman Bayani Fernando has been declared champion of GMA 7’s talent search Celebrity Duets Season 2. Residents of Marikina City are rejoicing… mainly because Mayor Marides Fernando will now stop soliciting text votes for her husband.

History has repeated itself. I left (and probably lost) my phone in a taxicab Sunday noon. Yup, that’s the same phone i lost in a cab five weeks ago but was found and returned by a UP stude. This time, I think whoever found it has no intention of giving it back to me. Sigh. I’ve got a new phone though.
Sometimes it is better to lose and do the right thing than to win and do the wrong thing.
–Tony Blair


5 11 2008

The US Elections
Even before the final ballot could be counted, US presidential candidate John McCain has conceded the 2008 presidential election to Democratic rival Barack Obama. That was a quick one. To give you an idea how quick it was, John McCain accepted defeat in less than 48 hours… Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago has yet to concede to Fidel Ramos after 16 years.

The US Elections II
Less than 48 hours after voting began, a new American president was declared. That was fast! To give you an idea how fast it was, John McCain has conceded the presidential race even before Jose De Venecia could sign the copy of the impeachment complaint handed to him three weeks ago.

CNN’s Historic Coverage
For the first time in television broadcast history, CNN aired a live report beamed through holographic technology. Reporter Jessica Yellin who was in Chicago was projected as a three-dimensional hologram and talked to CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer as if she was in the network’s Manhattan studio. ABS-CBN News is reportedly using a similar technology – not to cover the news, but to prevent physical altercations between Maria Ressa and Luchi Cruz-Valdez during their staff meeting.

CNN’s Historic Coverage II
CNN reporter Jessica Yellin said she was surrounded by 44 cameras and 20 computers as CNN beamed her live report through holographic technology. GMA 7 is reportedly looking forward to duplicating CNN’s unprecedented feat but is nonetheless worried they might use twice the number of cameras in order to beam Jessica Soho live!

Briefly Noted: Sic
Deputy presidential spokesperson Lorelei Fajardo said, “We wish to express our profound congratulations to President-elect Barack Obama for his historical and stellar win as the 44th president of the US.” I hope you are reading this Ms. Fajardo. “Historic” po dapat ‘yon, hindi “historical.”

No pain, no palm; no thorns, no throne; no gall, no glory; no cross, no crown.
— William Penn

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