OBAMA 2


BARACK OBAMA has been reelected president of the United States of America.. Shortly after his win, Obama delivered a victory speech. Some said it was inspiring. Others believed it was stirring. For Tito Sotto, it was worth translating.

In his victory speech, US President Obama said, “I have never been more hopeful about America. And I ask you to sustain that hope.” And then it got a bit weird when he declared, “Hahabulin natin ang mga tiwali at nagsamantala noong panahon ng pamamahala ni Ginang Arroyo!”

Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama won. Scorecard: Empty chair: 1, Clint Eastwood: 0

Barack Obama has won the presidency. Remaining allies of former President Arroyo have jumped ship and joined Obama’s party.

The second inauguration of Barack Obama happens on Jan. 21, 2013. There’s no truth to rumors he’ll take his oath before Conchita Carpio-Morales.

President Obama will have his inauguration on January 21, 2013. He personally invited Noel Cabangon to sing a couple of songs, or maybe more.


Republican Governor Mitt Romney lost to Barack Obama. Big Bird is inviting everyone to a Sesame Street Party.

Republican Congressman Paul Ryan lost his vice presidential bid. His devastated wife Janna said, “Losing was tough.” And Korina Sanchez was like, “I know, right.”

Paul Ryan lost the elections but he looks forward to returning to Congress. He’s now forming 1-America Always Alive , a party-list group.

The presidential election is finally over. The Obama administration should now focus on rescuing Rick Grimes, his son Carl, Hershel, Glenn, Maggie et al. in Atlanta. When will you act people? For chrissakes, Lori’s already dead!

The magic number to win the White House is 270. The magic number to win Malacañang was 0927-IGLESIA.


Polling data guru Nate Silver impresses Americans again as he calls every state right in presidential vote. He’s been accurate in forecasting the winner in every state as he did in the 2008 elections. I think we should be alarmed if Silver begins predicting the end of the world.

I believe however that Nate Silver would have NOT predicted the winner of the 2004 Philippine presidential polls.

Barack Obama has won the presidency. At press time though, Namfrel is still doing a quick count.
——————————————-
“In a victory speech, I like to thank the opposition, because without their help, I couldn’t have won.”
~Jarod Kintz, ’99 Cents For Some Nonsense’

Quote of the Day
“It doesn’t matter whether you’re black or white or Hispanic or Asian or Native American or young or old or rich or poor, able, disabled, gay or straight, you can make it here in America if you’re willing to try.”
~US President Barack Obama, victory speech

Enjoy the rest of the week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

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OSAMA IN THE DEEPEST


MAY 1, 2011: AL QAEDA leader Osama bin Laden was killed in an operation in Abbottabad, Pakistan by US elite forces. Delighted by the successful operation, President Obama ordered the implementation of a salary increase for soldiers in June instead of July.

The whole world is talking about the death of terror leader Osama bin Laden. After last week’s Royal Wedding, Osama’s death is considered as another momentous global event… so huge that Merceditas Gutierrez thought of re-quitting her post yesterday.

In a statement following the death of Osama bin Laden, President Aquino called on the public “to remain vigilant and united in pursuing peace, pluralism, and collective efforts at security.” And then he blamed Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo for the growth of al-Qaeda.

Reports say US forces have buried slain al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden at sea… to the disappointment of his family and loyal supporters who were demanding that he be buried at the Libingan ng mga Bayani.

Within 24 hours after his death, Osama bin Laden was reportedly buried at sea. S-L-N. Sumalaot nawa.

Osama bin Laden has been buried. Unfortunately, only one Filipino was able to attend the funeral. She was bin Laden’s yaya for 14 years.

Osama bin Laden is dead. In a statement, Joseph Estrada said he has forgiven bin Laden.


Osama bin Laden is dead. Terrorists all over the world are now collecting relics of the slain terrorist leader in preparation for his beatification next year.

Al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden was killed inside a fortified compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan. Elite American forces reportedly found a laptop inside the terror leader’s room. They confirmed it was owned by bin Laden because the computer history revealed he had been searching Google for tips on how to cook camel afritada, goat menudo, and sheep embotido.

Unconfirmed reports say days before he got killed, Osama bid Laden was asked by the Saudi government to go back home. Had he returned, he would have been offered a post in government – DILG secretary.

Osama bin Laden’s death has been confirmed. And Cesar Purisima was like, “Buti pa ‘yon.”

Donald Trump was overjoyed when he heard that the United States of America have killed terror leader Osama bin Laden. He noted that what George W. Bush failed to do as an American was accomplished by his successor, a Kenyan.

British Prime Minister David Cameron said Osama bin Laden’s demise would “bring great relief to people across the world”. For more than a decade, bin Laden has terrified many Britons. With his death, Brits would only have to deal with the terrifying hats of Princess Beatrice.

Osama bin Laden, the world’s Most Wanted Man is officially dead. That’s bad news for the world’s Second Most Wanted Man.

When news of Osama bin Laden’s death first came out, nobody believed it… except for Philippine Star columnist Carmen Pedrosa.

Al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Ladenn was finally located after a 10-year manhunt. There’s still hope for our local police. Roselle Jakosalem Peñas has only been missing for 20 days.

Briefly Noted
The month of May started with the news of Osama bin Laden’s death. It will end with the news of Friendster’s demise. Sad news for their followers.
————————————————
“We love death. The US loves life. That is the difference between us two.”
~Osama bin Laden

Photo of the Weak

Elsewhere
‘Rot in Hell’: The Best bin Laden Front Pages

You Have Spoken
Ano ang reaksyon mo sa pagbibitiw ni Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez?
Dapat lang! Sana nga noon pa! 31.1%
Sayang. Sana umabot sa impeachment. 25.8%
Ang ganda ng gown ni Kate Middleton. In all fairness. 43.11%

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Live. Love. Laugh. Lakers. Peace everyone! 

HONEST MISTAKE

PRESIDENT AQUINO has returned from his US trip. In his arrival speech, the President made two important announcements. First, that the government was able to secure new investments from at least eight business firms, and second, that the country was no longer at war.


Inverted RP Flag
Rebecca Thompson, the spokesperson of the US Embassy in Manila apologized for displaying the Philippine flag upside down at an event in New York last Friday. [An inverted flag means the nation is in a state of war.] Thompson declined to confirm rumors that the Philippine flag was made in Hong Kong.

This just in! The person who reportedly made the (honest) mistake of displaying an inverted RP flag in New York has offered to resign from the Obama government. When President Aquino heard this, he advised President Obama to reject the resignation saying, “The guy is entitled to due process.”

With regard to some people who are making an issue out of the inverted RP flag incident, President Aquino said, “Maraming tao’ng walang magawa.” Ouch.


Aquino and Obama
President Aquino said he and US President Barack Obama met for seven minutes. Another source said, it was actually 10 minutes… but the first three minutes was spent looking for a lighter.

President Aquino and US President Barack Obama met for approximately seven minutes. Aquino spent two minutes discussing military matters, while Obama used all of five minutes apologizing for the inverted Philippine flag.

Top 5 Things Overheard at the Meeting of President Aquino and US President Barack Obama

No. 5: “Lights or menthol?”

No. 4: “I admit. I’m an instant fan. So tell me more about Charice.”

No. 3: “Can we have Kristie Kenney back?”

No. 2: “If Donald Tsang or anybody in Beijing bothers you again, I’m just a phone call away. ”

And the No. 1 thing overheard at the meeting of Presidents Aquino and Obama…

“I hope you won’t mind me asking but have you tried Svenson?”

Lito Lapid’s Bill
Senator Lito Lapid has filed a bill seeking to limit the weight of bags being carried by school children to schools. DepEd Chief Bro. Armin Luistro has rejected the proposal and urged other senators to file a bill seeking to stop Lito Lapid from filing similar measures.

Reelected Senator Lito Lapid has filed “An act limiting the amount of weight of bags carried by children in school and implementing proactive measures to protect school children’s health from the adverse effect of heavy school bag.” Tanong ng bayan kay Ginoong Lapid: Senador ka ba o pangulo ng PTA?

Top 5 Predicted Bills to be Filed Soon by Sen. Lito Lapid

No. 5: “An act limiting the use of ballpoint pens in primary schools to prevent inkblots on school uniforms”

No. 4: “An act promoting the use of Mongol pencil No. 2 in grade schools because they make the best marks”

No. 3: “An act seeking to penalize pupils who will be caught chewing a classmate’s eraser, notebook, pad paper, and all forms of writing implements”

No. 2: “An act allowing teachers to sell ‘tocino’ and ‘polvoron’ in public elementary and secondary schools on Fridays only”

And the No. 1 predicted bill to be filed soon by Senator Lito Lapid…

“An act seeking to make ‘Recess’ an elective subject; pupils will be graded based on the nutritional value of the food they eat during the 15-minute break.”

Fired!
Kris Aquino has been told by the management of ABS-CBN to leave the poorly-rating game show “Pilipinas, Win na Win” starting Friday. Aquino was asked to quit the program following reports that several Kapamilya viewers have suffered from loss of hearing due to her ‘screaming’ habit.
———————-
“The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.”

Who The Heck?
Down-to-earth Politician [D2EP] has not seen long-lost dad for more than two decades – almost three decades, to be precise. Surprise! The father showed up just recently. According to D2EP’s uncle who was a witness to the reunion, while the father was filled with emotion, D2EP was like, “Uhmmm, okay.” Apparently, D2EP wasn’t as thrilled. Unknown to the public, D2EP grew up without a father. That’s the reason why instead of using the father’s last name, D2EP uses mom’s maiden name! Now you know. Clue: Enumerate the names of Jose Rizal’s siblings and you’ll get the answer!

Survey Says
Kaninong bersyon ng kuwento ang mas pinapaniwalaan n’yo:
– Archbishop Oscar Cruz 57.31%
– Tony Boy Cojuangco 2.4%
– Wala. 40.29%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Personal
– The Professional Heckler does not maintain  an official Facebook account. To the person who created the Like Page, thank you. But I’d rather not have one.

Do not follow me on Twitter. Do not click here.

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CONVERSATIONS


US President Barack Obama phoned President-elect Noynoy Aquino on Wednesday night to congratulate him. The telephone call lasted 20 minutes. It was a pleasant conversation between the two leaders who both vowed to strengthen bilateral ties. Obama excitedly inquired about Manila; Aquino enthusiastically asked about Virginia… tobacco.

During their 20-minute conversation, President-elect Noynoy Aquino and US President Barack Obama talked about their common habit: cigarette smoking. Obama vows to offer Noynoy advice on quitting smoking if Noynoy promises to give him tips on computer gaming.

World leaders continue to convey their congratulatory messages to President-elect Noynoy Aquino. Also on Wednesday night, Aquino got a call from Chinese President Hu Jintao… who informed him that China has just successfully tapped his conversation with Obama.

President-elect Noynoy Aquino received a call from South Korean President Lee Myung-bak too. President Lee thanked Aquino in advance for allowing half of the South Korean population to stay in the Philippines.

On Wednesday, President-elect Noynoy Aquino got a congratulatory call from US President Obama. Not to be outdone, Mar Roxas received a call that same night… from Sarah Palin.


GMA Calls Noynoy
Outgoing president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo congratulated President-elect Noynoy Aquino over the phone last Wednesday. Noynoy himself revealed that the call lasted only three minutes. Of course, that phone conversation could have been longer… if President Arroyo was a smoker.

President-elect Noynoy Aquino said he also got a call from outgoing President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo Wednesday night. A staunch critic of the administration, Noynoy admitted that he kinda felt “awkward” during the conversation… especially when Mrs. Arroyo started asking, “What are you wearing?”

Jose Maria Sison’s Allegation
From the Netherlands, CPP-NPA founder Jose Maria Sison accused Pinky Aquino-Abellada, sister of President-elect Noynoy Aquino, of conspiring with outgoing president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo and the US Central Intelligence Agency to “preprogram” the May 10 automated election system in favor of Noynoy. In another news dismissed as totally unrelated by local Communist leaders, the University of the Philippines Department of Psychology will release Jose Maria Sison’s psychiatric evaluation report.

Noynoy & Shalani
Apparently irked by questions on his girlfriend and their wedding plans, President-elect Noynoy Aquino told the press that he would have to consult Madam Auring on the matter. Shocked by Noynoy’s statement, Shalani Soledad blurted out, “Madam Auring na ngayon ang name ni Kris Aquino?!?”

Stars In Government
Unconfirmed reports say President-elect Noynoy Aquino plans to appoint film producer Lily Monteverde as Optical Media Board chair; young actor Dingdong Dantes as head of the National Youth Commission, and Mary Grace Poe-Llamanzares as MTRCB chairman. Earlier this week, Aquino has announced the appointment of Madam Auring as presidential adviser on marital affairs.


Revolving First Ladies?
If President-elect Noynoy Aquino requests it, Ballsy Aquino-Cruz says she and sisters Viel, Pinky, and Kris will take turns in playing the role of First Lady. Meanwhile, Dr. Elenita Binay has reportedly rejected Vice President-elect Jejomar Binay’s request to have revolving Second Ladies.
——————–
“Diplomacy is to do and say the nastiest things in the nicest way.”
~Isaac Goldberg

Survey Says
Should Mar Roxas file an electoral protest?
Oo naman. Malay natin, mabaligtad ang resulta. 26%
‘Wag na. Si Binay naman talaga ang nanalo. 53%
Wala akong pakialam. 21%

Elsewhere
Newsbreak: Lack of ‘meddling’ First Lady a plus for Noynoy —analysts

Manila Standard Today: Inquirer drops Cunanan

Enjoy your long weekend!

HOPEFUL, HOPEFULS


Official Candidates
The Commission on Elections approved the candidacies of eight presidential nominees: former defense secretary Gilbert Teodoro, Sen. Richard Gordon, Sen. Benigno “Noynoy” Aquino III, Sen. Manuel Villar, former president Joseph Estrada; Olongapo City Councilor Juan Carlos “JC” de los Reyes, Bro. Eddie Villanueva, and Sen. Ana Maria Consuelo “Jamby” Madrigal. It’s an all-male battle for the presidency!

Official VP Candidates
The list of vice presidential candidates approved by the Commission on Elections was more diverse. There was a woman (Loren Legarda) and there were two blacks (Jejomar Binay and Jay Sonza).

Perlas Is Out
The Commission on Elections rejected the presidential bid of Nicanor Perlas. The commissioners junked him when they learned that the environmental activist’s platform includes “Cleaning up the Comelec.”

Suicidal?
Former actor, Marcos loyalist, and forever aspiring public servant Amay Bisaya reportedly vowed to commit suicide on Election Day if he loses his gubernatorial bid in Bohol province. But friends and supporters have advised Bisaya not to lose hope in case he doesn’t win at the polls. After all, he can always rely on a Comelec recount.

Hopeful
The latest Pulse Asia survey showed that 86 percent of respondents would enter the New Year with hope. But the Nacionalista Party is questioning the survey because the remaining 14 percent of respondents answered “Noynoy Aquino.”

Judge Dreads
Judge Luisito Cortez of Quezon City RTC Branch 84 has backed out from handling the trial of Datu Unsay Mayor Andal Ampatuan Jr. for the Maguindanao massacre. Asked why, Cortez replied, “Better back out than be backhoed.”

Ano ang angkop na deskripsyon, pamagat, o caption sa larawang ito?

A: “Teka lang, teka lang. ‘Wag n’yo na ‘kong kunan. Baka sabihin naman nila, gumigimik lang ako.”
B: “At least puwede ‘ko itong gawin. Si pinsang Noynoy, delikado. Masamang dumikit sa sanggol ang amoy sigarilyo.”
C: “Kapag ‘di pa naman nag-double digit ang rating ko nito, ewan ko na lang.”
D: Lahat ng nagiging trapo ay nagsisimula sa mga eksenang ganito.

Overseas
In Texas, USA… Houston became the first city to elect an openly gay mayor, a historic development described by Comelec commissioner Nicodemo Ferrer as “immoral.”

US President Barack Obama recently guested on “Oprah.” Asked by Oprah to rate his first year in office, Obama answered, “It’s a B plus.” In the Philippines, President Arroyo guested on Boy Abunda’s show recently. Asked by Boy to rate her nine years in office, Mrs. Arroyo answered, “It’s an FG.”

US President Barack Obama recently guested on “Oprah.” Asked by Oprah to rate his first year in office, Obama answered, “It’s a B plus.” In the Philippines, President Arroyo guested on Boy Abunda’s show recently. Asked by Boy to rate her nine years in office, Mrs. Arroyo answered, “You mean, my first nine years?”

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi suffered a broken nose and two broken teeth when a deranged man hit him with a statue during a Milan rally. Berlusconi was immediately put into a car but remained calm and waved to to the crowd. In the Philippines, a deranged woman almost hit President Arroyo with a tomato during a rally in Manila. Arroyo was immediately put into a car but remained calm and declared Martial Law.
_____________
“Dum spiro, spero” (While I breathe, I hope)
~Latin Proverb (Cicero)

Survey Says
Are you done with your Christmas shopping?
YES! 10%
NOT YET. 73%
Bawal sa religion namin/Pass muna. 17%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

TRIP

KIM
Kim Jong-Il
North Korean leader Kim Jong-il has pancreatic cancer. His doctors will not be releasing medical bulletins… but one of his daughters will appear in showbiz-oriented talk shows to discuss his condition.

Pfizer, Briber?
Drug maker Pfizer is reportedly frustrated at accusations it offered bribe to the government to delay the implementation of the cheaper medicines law. But Pfizer is more frustrated the government rejected it.

GMA_PRAY Arroyo’s US Trip
President Arroyo will finally meet with US President Barack Obama at the White House on July 30. She will be the first leader from Southeast Asia to visit Washington under the Obama administration… after earning the distinction of being the first leader from Southeast Asia to be snubbed thrice by the same administration.

Arroyo’s US Trip II
Some 100 congressmen are vying for slots in President Arroyo’s entourage in her July 30 trip to Washington DC. Not everyone will be allowed to leave though… lest the president be accused of smuggling crocodiles.

packobe
Pacman and Kobe
Fresh from his recent Nike pictorial with NBA superstar Kobe Bryant, Boston Celtics fanatic Manny Pacquiao is now saying he’s an LA Lakers die-hard. Wala pa man sa pulitika, balimbing na.
__________
“I travel not to go anywhere, but to go. I travel for travel’s sake. The great affair is to move.”
~Robert Louis Stevenson

GMA AT 62

birthdaygirl
Top 10 Ways the President Celebrated Her 62nd Birthday

No. 10: Hosted a Snow White-themed costume party. Guess who came as the 8th dwarf?

No. 9: When the clock struck 12, she wore a polka dot shirt and jumped up and down until she got tired.

No. 8: Participated in the reenactment of the annual Palm Sunday feast to commemorate the triumphant entry of Jesus into Jerusalem. She played the role of an ass.

No. 7: The same way she spent her 30th birthday. Let’s just say, the First Gentleman has never felt this “young” and exhausted again. (Eeew!)

No. 6: Was invited by a certain Mrs. Pineda to be the guest of honor in a special “President’s Birthday Draw” of a “numbers game” in her native Pampanga.

No. 5: Nothing much. Ash my father would alwayssh shay, jussht do what ish right. Do what ish bessht. And God will take care of the ressht.

No. 4: Declined the birthday presents from her children. Instead, she was the one who gave them gifts. For Luli, a book: Herb Kay’s “How to Get Filthy, Stinking Rich and Still Have Time for Great Sex!” For Mikey: an early endorsement for his 2010 gubernatorial bid in Pampanga, and for Dato: his own legislative district in Bicol.

No. 3: Got a surprise production number from her two sons Mikey and Dato, brother-in-law Iggy, and staunch House ally Prospero Nograles. They all performed the cha-cha.

No. 2: Didn’t sleep until 4am hoping she’d get a pre-dawn birthday call from US President Barack Obama.

And the No. 1 way the president celebrated her 62nd birthday…

Ordered the release of another high-profile murderer.

Happy birthday Mrs. President!

______________________
“No one is ever too old to do a foolish thing.”
~ J. Sheridan Le Fanu

Survey Says…
Are you spending the Holy Week outside Metro Manila?
Yes: 66%
No: 27%
Undecided: 7%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

UP NEXT:Ever wonder what would happen if our presidential contenders dropped the “kaplastikan” in their premature political advertisements, and become genuinely honest about themselves instead? In his next post, the Professional Heckler will bring you: Presidentiables: The Awful Truth in 60 Seconds (First In A Series of Suggested TV Advertisements).

Plus: A special Lenten post. Abangan!

SURPRISE CALL

baracktele Obama and the President
US President Barack Obama made a surprise telephone call to President Arroyo early Saturday morning. To give you an idea how surprising and unexpected it was, ISAFP agents failed to press the “Record” button.

Obama and the President II
US President Barack Obama made a surprise telephone call to President Arroyo early Saturday morning. The call was totally surprising and unexpected, President Arroyo was compelled to put Cesar Mancao on hold!

gma_barack Obama and the President III
US President Barack Obama made a surprise telephone call to President Arroyo early Saturday morning. To give you an idea how surprised the president was, when she answered the call, she said, “Hello… Barci! Oops, I am shorry.”

Obama and the President IV
US President Barack Obama made a surprise telephone call to President Arroyo early Saturday morning. Rumors say it was lengthy conversation. To give you an idea how long it was, Cesar Mancao was forced to hang up and even threatened to revise his affidavit.

Obama and the President V
Reports say presidential daughters Sasha and Malia Obama have yet to receive their new puppy from US President Barack Obama. Maybe that’s the reason why Obama phoned President Arroyo. He’s looking for a “tuta.”

survey_presidentiables
The Latest Survey
Vice President Noli De Castro topped the latest Pulse Asia survey with a 19 percent preference rating. He was followed by Sen. Francis Escudero, 17 percent, Joseph Estrada, 16 percent, Sen. Manuel Villar, 15 percent, Sen. Loren Legarda, 12 percent, Sen. Manuel Roxas II, 7 percent, and Sen. Panfilo Lacson, 6 percent. Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay got 2 percent while MMDA Chairman Bayani Fernando got only one percent. The First Gentleman was luckier. He got five percent.

Enrile and the House
Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile has proposed to increase the number of congressmen from 250 to 350. Enrile’s proposal is contained in his Senate Bill No. 3123 or An Act Establishing Metro Manila’s First Ever Crocodile Farm.

duterte Duterte and the Military
Davao City Mayor Rodrigo Duterte is reportedly fuming over the alleged human rights abuses of the military. Apparently, Duterte is threatened by the competition.

Personal
My date with my doctor has been rescheduled. I just had blood extraction yesterday. It was less painful than I expected. Tomorrow morning, I’ll be back at the Makati Medical Center. Heckling continues Tuesday.

_________
“Alliance – in international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other’s pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.”
~Ambrose Bierce

OBAMA MANIA

Local Obama
Last November, supporters of Jejomar Binay hailed the Makati City mayor as the Philippines’ Barack Obama. Last week though, deposed president Joseph Estrada’s spokesperson Margaux Salcedo said, “If there is anybody who we can call Barack Obama of the Philippines, it would [be] former President Estrada.” I think Salcedo was being humble though. Erap actually has the complete package: Obama’s charisma, Clinton’s sex appeal, and of course, Bush’s brains.

Supporters of Jojo Binay say he is this country’s Barack Obama, and Erap’s spokesperson believes the ex-president is the Philippines’ Barack Obama. Asked if she could also be our own Obama, presidential contender, Loren Legarda said, “I don’t know. Basta ang alam ko, I used to be married to a Dick Cheney.”

Take Two
Barack Obama had to take his oath of office twice because of a mistake committed by US Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts during the inauguration. Some people are making a big fuss out of Roberts’ flub. But you know what? That’s really nothing. Roberts only got the words wrong; Hilario Davide got the wrong president.

Recorded
A classical performance by four acclaimed musicians: cellist Yo-Yo Ma, violinist Itzhak Perlman, pianist Gabriella Montero, and clarinetist Anthony McGill during the Obama inauguration turned out to be pre-recorded. Carole Florman, a spokeswoman for the Joint Congressional Committee on Inaugural Ceremonies, said the weather was too cold for the instruments to stay in tune. Irate fans believe Yo-Yo Ma’s Chinese parents had a hand in the “fake performance.”

Trillanes’ Expenses
A Commission on Audit report obtained by the Philippine Star showed that detained senator Antonio Trillanes spent more than half a million pesos for travel in the six months after his election in 2007. That was really surprising because the last time we all saw him out of jail, he was making his way on foot from Makati City Hall to The Manila Peninsula. Where is the travel expense in that?

According to the Commission on Audit, detained senator Antonio Trillanes spent more than half a million pesos for travel in the six months after his election in 2007. Visibly surprised by the COA report, new age guru Jaime Licauco said, “While it’s always possible for the senator to do astral travel, there was absolutely no need for him to spend a single centavo for that.”

Ateneo Turns 150
Ateneo De Manila University kicked off the celebration of its sesquicentennial or 150th year last week. Yup, Ateneo is 150 years old, and it shows! Then, they had the likes of Jose Rizal, Juan Luna, and Gregorio Del Pilar; today, you have the Jocelyn Bolantes, the Jose Miguel Arroyos, the Celso de los Angeleses, and the Jinggoys and Joseph Estradas.

Palparan’s Return?
Malacañang is considering former retired military general Jovito Palparan for a post in the Dangerous Drugs Board. Sought for a reaction on his impending appointment, Palparan said, “I hate Reds, alam n’yo ‘yan. Kaya ‘yong mapupula ang mata d’yan, magbago na kayo! Or else…”

The Vatican Online
You’ve probably heard about this. Pope Benedict XVI has launched his own YouTube Channel. The site is expected to become the second favorite among Catholic priests… next only to the YouTube channel of the Jonas Brothers.

below Again, Belo
Brokenhearted and still hurting from her break up with the 28-year-young Hayden Kho, 53-year-old cosmetic surgery expert Vicki Belo is reportedly spending some time alone overseas to “soul search.” But considering the extent of what she has done to her whole body, I wonder if there’s still a “soul” out there who’s willing to take it.

Record-Breakers
A 39-year-old Thai woman established a new world record by spending 33 days with 5000 scorpions. Back here, a Batasan Complex security guard is trying to establish his own record by mingling and spending three years with 238 crocodiles.

Personal esposo
I’d like to thank Philippine Star columnist William Esposo a.k.a. Chair Wrecker for the flattering write up on “The Professional Heckler” today January 25, 2009.

Survey Says…
What local news program do you prefer?
News on Q: 26%
24 Oras: 24%
TV Patrol: 17%
Newswatch: 11%
Bandila: 8 %
News Central: 5%
T.E.N.: 4%
Saksi: 2%
Others: 3%

We have a new survey. Vote now.

__________
“Winners compare their achievements with their goals, while losers compare their achievements with those of other people.”
~Nido Qubein

PIRATES & PRAYERS

Postscript to a Senate Coup
Did you hear about US President-elect Barack Obama’s pre-dawn call to President Arroyo last Tuesday? They say Malacañang is so proud of that one call… to which Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile said, “That’s nothing! Before dawn last Tuesday, I received 13 calls.”

As of press time Thursday, both the Senate majority and minority were claiming Sen. Lito Lapid, the confused chairman of the games and amusements committee as their own – prompting the Kapampangan action star to complain, “Ewan ko nga ba sa mga ‘yan. Ang gulu-gulo at ang ingay-ingay sa session hall. Kulang na nga ako sa tulog eh.”

Sen. Francis Escudero wants the chairmanship of the powerful Blue Ribbon committee. Sen. Richard Gordon also wants the Blue Ribbon. Other senators want Alan Peter Cayetano to keep the Blue Ribbon. Everyone is desperate for the Blue Ribbon… except perhaps for Lito Lapid whose only craving is a Red Ribbon.

A Worried JDV
Reports say Cong. Jose De Venecia is worried about the upcoming new appointments in the Supreme Court. Two days ago, he got worried when Juan Ponce Enrile was installed Senate president. He is also worried Congress might totally junk the impeachment complaint filed by his son against President Arroyo. Kawawa naman ‘tong taong ‘to. Ayaw tigilan ng konsensya. Nakakatulog pa kaya siya?

Pulse Asia Survey
In the latest survey conducted by Pulse Asia Inc, 58 percent of Filipinos said they were “losers” or “worse now” compared to last year. Sen. Manuel Villar and Cong. Jose De Venecia share the same sentiment.


Somali Pirates I
According to the Department of Foreign Affairs, the number of abducted Filipino seafarers being held hostage in waters off Somalia rose to 134 after another group of Somali pirates seized a merchant vessel with seven Filipinos on board. President Arroyo is calling on all Filipinos to pray for the safety of the hostages. She ordered Press Secretary Jesus Dureza to lead the prayer.

Somali Pirates II
Somali pirates hijacked Saudi oil super-tanker Sirius Star with 19 Filipinos on board. Sketchy reports say the Pinoy hostages were allowed to use mobile phones. Those who were able to call home assured their loved ones they are being treated humanely, with some pirates even promising them clothes, food, and a chance to meet Johnny Depp.

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If you talk to God, you are praying. If God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.
~Thomas Szasz