A MESSAGE FROM GMA


Mga minamahal kong kababayan,

Matagal na panahon na rin mula nang ako ay humarap sa inyo. Ilang buwan rin akong nanahimik sa pag-aakalang kusang hihinto ang mga atake laban sa akin. Ngunit ako ay nagkamali.

Walang tigil ang kritisismo, panlilibak, at kadalasan ay personal na mga banat sa akin. Sobra na ang pang-aapi ng administrasyong ito at ako ay labis na nababahala.

Marapat lamang na aking ihayag ang tunay kong damdamin. Tapos na ang pagiging Carmina Villaroel ko. Oras na para ilabas ang aking inner KC Concepcion.

Unang-una, gusto kong kundenahin ang pangungutya ng palasyo sa aking mga abogado. Pati ang walang malay na maselang bahagi ng katawan ni Atty. Ferdinand Topacio ay kanilang pinagdiskitahan sa pagtatangkang ipahiya ako sa publiko. Bago n’yo pag-initan ang itlog ni Topacio, bakit hindi n’yo muna tanungin ang inyong amo: may silbi pa ba ang itlog mo?

Wala rin silang karapatang kwestyunin ang kakayahan ng aking tagapagsalita. Si Elena Bautista-Horn ay hindi lamang tapat, masipag, at dedicated na spokesperson. Siya rin ang tumatayong head ng ISAFP o Intelligence Service of the Arroyo Family in the Philippines. Sa katunayan, siya ang nakatuklas sa “Oplan: Put the Little Girl to Sleep” – ang balak na paglikida sa akin.

Ako ay naniniwalang ang maitim na hangarin ng administrasyong ito ang tunay na dahilan kung bakit pilit nila akong pinapalipat sa Veterans Memorial Medical Center. Ano ako? Action star? Plunderer? Alam ng aking mga kritiko na hindi ako sanay sa mumurahing pagamutan. Sa paglalagay sa akin sa ospital na pinapatakbo ng gobyerno, unti-unti na rin nila akong pinapatay. “Oplan: Put the Little Girl to Sleep” – tama si Elena Horn.

Gusto ko ring manawagan sa mga taong patuloy na nagdududa sa integridad ng Kataas-taasang Hukuman. Walang basehan ang paratang na CoronArroyo. Tapos na ang eleksyon. Kumita na ang Villaroyo. Huwag n’yong pulitikahin ang Korte Suprema. Kapag hindi kayo tumigil sa inyong paninira, baka ibunyag ko ang sabwatang SereNoynoy. Binabalaan ko kayo.

Humihingi ako ng dispensa sa aking mga doctor lalo na kay Dr. Juliet Gopez-Cervantes. Maging kayo ay binabatikos dahil sa akin gayong ginagawa n’yo lang naman ang inyong trabaho. Ayaw kong magkahiwa-hiwalay tayo kaya please lang, maliban sa colitis, humanap pa kayo ng mali sa aking katawan. Wala akong pakialam kung dermatitis, conjunctivitis, otitis o kahit, buntis pa ‘yan, ang mahalaga ay tumagal pa ang ating pagsasama dito sa St. Luke’s.

Sa pagkakataong ito, ako ay humihingi ng tulong sa aking mga kababayang patuloy ang pagtitiwala sa akin. Sa darating na lingo ay magpapasya ang ubod ng bilis na si Judge Jesus Mupas kung ano ang nararapat sa akin. Napag-alaman kong may text component pala ang kanyang gagawing pagpapasya. Ang tanong:
Ano ang gusto n’yo para kay dating Pangulong Arroyo:
A: House arrest
B: Hospital arrest
C: Detention Cell
D: Wala akong pakialam. Mas interesado ako sa scripted interview kay Piolo Pascual sa ‘The Buzz’ sa darating na Linggo

Just key in ARROYO (space) A: House arrest and send to 2462 (CGMA) for all networks. Ayon sa NTC, 80 centavos na lang per text ngayon kaya kung maaari ay itodo n’yo na ang pagboto. Lahat ng taong magti-text ng “A: House arrest” ay awtomatikong kasali sa isang pre-Christmas raffle kung saan mamimigay ng MP3 at 2GB Flash Drives sina Dato, Luli, at Mikey. Si Attorney Mike naman ay naghanda rin ng loot bags mula sa kanyang na-loot noong nasa puwesto pa ako bilang pangulo. Kaya ano pang hinihintay n’yo? Text na!

Sa huli, gusto kong magparating ng maigsi at simpleng mensahe sa nakaupong pangulo at sa mapaghiganteng administrasyong ito:
Walang corrupt?!
Walang mahirap?!
O walang accomplishments?

Manyampukaki ing lugod mi kekayu!

Maligayang Pasko sa inyong lahat at nawa’y lagi n’yong tatandaan ang pangaral ng aking ama, si Ka Dadong:
“Just do what ish right, do what ish best, and your battery of lawyersh will take care of the rest.”

Naglilingkod,

———————————————————————————-

“Health is a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being, and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity.”
~World Health Organization, 1948

Have a great weekend! Merry Christmas!

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ITLOG KA BA?


“We respect the Supreme Court, we survived even when they took everything from us, including our Dad’s life- & we will survive even this.”
~TV host Kris Aquino reacting to the Supreme Court’s recent ruling ordering the distribution of Hacienda Luisita land to the farmers

Heckler: Si Mara ka ba ng ‘Mara Clara?’
Kris Aquino: Bakit?
Heckler: Eh kasi, api-apihan ang drama mo.

“My order to the Bureau of Immigration is to respect the watch list order. We have the right to exhaust remedies against the TRO.”
~Justice Sec. Leila De Lima

Heckler: Kapatid ka ba ng Presidente?
Secretary De Lima: Bakit?
Heckler: Eh kasi, Ballsy ka.

“We will be monitoring her, and hopefully she will be able to regain her appetite until we are confident enough in saying that we can remove the IV fluid already.”
~ Dr. Juliet Gopez-Cervantes, CGMA’s attending physician

Heckler: Si Lolong ka ba?
CGMA: Bakit?
Heckler: Eh kasi, ayaw mo raw kumain.

“I think the decision of Pasay RTC will allow Atty. Topacio to save his family jewels.”
~Atty. Edwin Lacierda

Heckler: Prostitute ka ba?
Atty. Edwin Lacierda: Bakit?
Heckler: Eh kasi kahit sino pinapatulan mo.

“Ba’t ba concerned na concerned si Secretary Lacierda sa aking itlog? Sabagay okay naman ‘yon. Siyempre kung ang isang tao na lalake ay concerned sa’yong itlog, s’yempre matutuwa ka naman d’on. Nagke-care.”
~ Atty. Ferdie Topacio

Heckler: Itlog ka ba?
Atty. Ferdie Topacio: Bakit?
Heckler: Ang sarap mong pitikin eh!

“My arrest triggered Edsa 3, whose number was more than those of Edsa 1 and 2 combined.”
~Former President Joseph Estrada

Heckler: Magician ka ba?
Erap: Bakit?
Heckler: Eh kasi, ang hilig mo sa illusion.

“One cannot think of the 1986 EDSA Revolution without thinking of Corazon Aquino.”
~Bohol Rep. Rene Relampagos defending his proposed ‘Cory Aquino Avenue’

Heckler: Tambay ka ba?
Cong. Relampagos: Bakit?
Heckler: Eh kasi, parang wala kang ibang magawa.

“Tapos po nun sigaw ako nang sigaw; ‘tapos naisip ko baka wala na dun yung killer. Basta alam ko sigaw lang ako nang sigaw. Tapos… Shit nawala na ko, kasi nawala, ‘di ba dapat tatawagan ko si Gail?”
~Maria Ramona Belen “Mara” Bautista-Bülbüloğlu narrating her version of what happened the night her brother Ram Revilla was murdered

Heckler: NAIA ka ba?
Ramona: Bakit?
Heckler: Most hated ka eh.

“No matter what is written or what you hear, it’s my loyalty that is priceless.”
~Sharon Cuneta talking about her recent transfer to TV5

Heckler: Meralco ka ba?
Sharon: Bakit?
Heckler: Eh kasi, ang hilig mong mag-switch.

“When itweet nonsense take itcas itsis Last night did math simulations so makita ng coop paano namin ni assunta saluin buong utang bulok yun?”
~Cong. Jules Ledesma

Heckler: Ilog Pasig ka ba?
Jules: Bakit?
Heckler: Eh kasi, ang labo mo!
————————————————————————————
“Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.”
~Will Rogers

iGuess 1:
Popular Personality (PP) was detained somewhere in North America recently after causing a ruckus outside a bar. PP was reportedly drunk and was with his significant other when it all happened. Merry Christmas!

iGuess 2:
Popular College Hoopster (PCP) is one naughty boy. Probably inspired by videographer Hayden Kho Jr, PCP is keeping a video of himself doing it with a fling. The whole team had seen the sleazy video. “Proud pa siya sa ginawa niya,” one teammate said. Lagot ka kay Father!

Have a great week ahead!

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SHE WILL SURVIVE II

ALMOST EXACTLY a year ago, I parodied a Gloria Gaynor song when then outgoing President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo filed her certificate of candidacy for representative of Pampanga. Here’s Version 2 of that blog post.

For accompaniment, right click here before you start reading (or singing). Enjoy!

Congresswoman GMA:
First I was afraid
Now, I’m petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without SC by my side
But then I spent so many nights
thinking I did nothing wrong
I think I’m strong
I know I can carry on

With painful back
and lack of space
I did feel bad to see you there
with all that joy upon your face
My lawyer’s one stupid lot
I should have fired, oh that’s easy
If I had known for just one second
he would bet his balls for me!

The People:
Go on now go walk out the door
just disappear now
you don’t have power anymore
weren’t you the one who cheated for Team Unity
you’re in big trouble
you think we’ll just let you flee?

Congresswoman GMA:
Oh no, not I
I will survive
oh as long as Titong’s there for me
I know I will stay alive
I’ve got all my life to live
I’ve got all my cash to give
and I’ll survive
I will survive
Hey hey

It took all the clout I had
not to fall apart
kept trying hard to fight
PNoy, De Lima, and Mupas
and I spent oh so many nights
praying hard just for myself
I’ll never cry
I will hold my head up high

Soon you’ll see me
somebody new
Won’t be that neck-braced little person
looking frail in front of you
and so I fight that goddamn panel
And just expect me to be free
‘coz my lawyers have been saying
the High Court’s gonna favor me

The People:
Go on now go walk out the door
just disappear now
’cause you’re not feared here anymore
weren’t you the one who called and said “Hello Garci!”
you then said sorry
but that lacked sincerity!

Congresswoman GMA:
Oh no, not I
I will survive
oh as long as I have friend Rene
I know I will stay alive
I’ve got all my life to live
I’ve got all my wealth to give
and I’ll survive
I will survive
Oh…
——————————————————————————————————
“Power tends to isolate those who hold too much of it. Eventually, they lose touch with reality and fall.”
~Frank Herbert

Warning: This is not Congresswoman Arroyo’s mug shot.

You Have Spoken
Dapat bang pagbigyan ng media ang hiling ng kampo ni dating Pangulong Arroyo na huwag isapubliko ang mga mug shots nito?
-Yes. Konting respeto naman. Konti lang. 31.96%
-NO! Dapat, walang kinikilingan. Walang pinuprotektahan. Ilabas ‘yan! 62.89%
-Pag-iisipan ko muna. 5.15%

Have a productive and safe week!

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FINAL DESTINATION

Breaking News: Scientists at the Italian Institute for Nuclear Physics confirm there’s such a thing faster than the speed of light. It’s Judge Jesus Mupas of Pasay City RTC Branch 112.


Reviled by probably, a majority of her countrymen for her alleged sins against them, former Philippine President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo was served an arrest warrant Friday… alive. Take that Libyans!

A warrant of arrest was issued by the Pasay City RTC even before the Arroyos could get to NAIA for their 5PM flight Friday. If it’s any consolation, that saved them time, effort, and their lawyer’s testicle.

When Mrs. Arroyo’s lawyers heard that a warrant of arrest was to be served Friday evening, they reportedly told the former president, “Brace yourself.”

Apparently, Judge Mupas found probable cause against Mrs. Arroyo based on the statements given by the likes of Lintang Bedol, former Ampatuan Sr’s aide Norie Unas, and Zaldy Ampatuan – or as defense lawyers would say, “Acquittal.”

It’s one humiliation after another for Mrs. Arroyo. First, she was barred from leaving by Immigration people. Second, she was ordered arrested. And for almost a week now, her infamy has been eclipsed by her lawyer’s balls.

At press time, Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo is under hospital arrest. At least four guards have been stationed at the St. Luke’s Correctional Facility.

Ahh, life. One day you’re the most powerful person in the country, the next day some Foto-Me employee is taking your mug shot.

On Friday, Cong. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo was booked for a flight to Singapore. The next day, she was ‘booked’ for a trip to the Southern Police District detention cell.

On Saturday afternoon, Mrs. Arroyo underwent booking procedures. Her mug shots were taken and she was fingerprinted. Expecting the worst, she allegedly phoned a friend and asked, “Will I be visited by 1 million?”


Lawyer Ferdinand Topacio appealed to the media to not release the former president’s mug shots. The police will ask the court to decide on the request… while ABS-CBN News will ask the public to decide via Monday’s TV Patrol poll.

Mrs. Arroyo has been placed under hospital arrest. President Aquino can’t wait for the trial, the verdict, and his next SWS performance rating.

Senior Supt. Joel Coronel of the CIDG says security is kept at a minimum since Mrs. Arroyo is not a flight risk or suicidal. In totally unrelated news, security has been beefed up outside the residence of Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago.

Experts say if proven guilty, Mrs. Arroyo could face up to 40 years in prison. In Hollywood, that’s 203 Kim Kardashian marriages.


A day after the Comelec en banc voted to file electoral sabotage charges against him, former Comelec chairman Benjamin Abalos was rushed to an unidentified hospital. When he heard about the Comelec’s decision, his blood pressure allegedly shot up to 180 over his dead body he won’t just surrender without a fight.
—————————————————————————————
“There is a higher court than courts of justice and that is the court of conscience. It supercedes all other courts.”
~Mahatma Gandhi

Quote of the Day
“Isusumbong po namin sa Korte Suprema ang ginawa sa amin. Hihingi kami uli ng TRO para ipa-suspend ang all legal effects ng [actions] ng joint DOJ-Comelec panel.”
~Lawyer Ferdinand Topacio, counsel for Mrs. Arroyo

Have a great weekend!

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