OUT


TYPHOON MINA has slowly moved out of the country. I am not sure if there’s another storm coming but I heard Customs Commission Angelito Alvarez has started packing.

As it heads toward China, typhoon Mina has been downgraded to a tropical storm. And Standard & Poor’s executives were like, “Don’t look at us!”

Metro Manila wasn’t spared from the wrath of Typhoon Mina. For the record though, it was the third disaster to happen in the metro in recent weeks… next only to “The Adventures of Pureza: Queen of the Riles” and “Tween Academy: Class of 2012.”

Fired!
President Aquino confirmed that Customs Commissioner Angelito Alvarez is on his way out. According to the President he is not satisfied with the Customs chief’s performance. To which Alvarez allegedly said, “The feeling is mutual.”

The President has fired Customs Commissioner Angelito Alvarez. Of course, Alvarez would have retained his post if he knew how to fire a gun.

Off to China
For the first time since he assumed office, President Aquino is visiting the People’s Republic of China. As a precautionary measure, he was advised to avoid riding a bus in the Communist country.

Reports say trade tops President Aquino’s agenda on his trip to China. Presidential spokesperson Edwin Lacierda will be part of the President’s entourage mainly because he’s good at trading… barbs.

Joining President Aquino in China are prominent Filipino businessmen – a number of them are of Chinese descent – led by taipans Lucio Tan, Henry Sy, John Gokongwei and PLDT big boss Em Vee Pee.

President Aquino’s trip to China is his first. Or second, if you’d count his visit to Divisoria.

Alabang Boys
The drug case against two of the three so-called Alabang Boys has been dismissed. As the verdict allowing them to walk free, was being read, Richard Brodett and Jorge Joseph, son of radio host Johnny Midnight were in sheer ecstasy.

Overseas…
Faced with a declining approval rating, Japanese Prime Minister Naoto Kan has stepped down. Jobless, Kan has accepted several invitations to visit the Philippines and teach Filipino politicians the concept of ‘delicadeza.’

Nabbed
The sex maniac targeting dentists was arrested over the weekend. Relatives of the victims vow revenge. You know, a tooth for a tooth.

Species
According to a new estimate described by scientists as the most accurate ever, planet Earth is home to 8.7 million species. But more are expected to emerge…  with the help of people like Vicki Belo, Drs. Manny & Pie Calayan, and Ellen Lising.

Steve Jobs
Steve Jobs is very sick. Apparently, he did not eat an apple a day. That would have kept the doctor away.
——————————————————————————————–
“Getting fired is nature’s way to telling you that you had the wrong job in the first place.”
~Hal Lancaster

Quote of Week
“I cannot satisfy everybody. I did my best. If my best wasn’t enough, then I can’t do anything about that.”
~Outgoing Customs Commissioner Angelito Alvarez

Quote of the Weak
“I may be disconnected from my being Filipino, but with a tongue of privilege I will always have my connections.”
~Ateneo student James Soriano on Filipino, and English, his “mother tongue”

Bonus!
Your weekly horoscope: August 30 – September 5, 2011

August 30, 1989: Director Roman Polanski marries 23-yr-old actress Emmanuelle  Seigner… surprising everyone since the average age of Polanski’s ex-girlfriends was 14.

August 30, 1987: Ben Johnson of Canada runs the century dash in 9.83 seconds… or as Usain Bolt would call it, “Forever!”

August 30, 1885: 13,000 meteors were seen in one hour near Andromeda. The astronomer who witnessed the event was subsequently named “Best in Counting.”

August 30, 1682: William Penn left England to sail to New World. Had he not sailed, the US would have a state called “Sylvania.”

You Have Spoken
Dapat bang pumayag ang pamahalaan sa demand na “substate” ng MILF?
-Sure! Kung iyan ang susi sa pagwawakas ng kaguluhan sa Mindanao! 16.43%
-No! Wala sa saligang-batas ang konseptong ‘yan! Ano kayo hilo? 74.65%
-Pag-aaralan ko muna ang demand. 8.92%

Have a great week!

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

HOLY WEAK!

hly_wk_cross
Semana Santa and Philippine Politics

The House of Representatives plans to stage a senaculo on Good Friday. But they have a huge problem. The play requires only two thieves. There are 238 of them.

The Aquino Family of Tarlac is also holding a senaculo at Hacienda Luisita this week. Noynoy Aquino has been tapped to play the role of the virgin.

And Kris Aquino was assigned to read the seven last words. But the queen of talk complained, “Gosh naman Mom! Seven lang?!? Can I discuss each na lang!”

In Cavite, Panfilo Lacson played the role of Pontius Pilate in a passion play. When the mob shouted “Crucify Jesus! Crucify him,” Lacson told them, “Nahh, that’s time consuming. Shoot him!”

In the Arroyos’ hometown of Lubao, Pampanga, local officials couldn’t agree on who should play who in the upcoming senaculo . So they decided to draw lots. Hayun, sa awa ng Diyos, hanggang ngayon binobola pa rin.

Staunch supporters of Pampanga governor Fr. Ed Panlilio rejected President Arroyo’s offer to play Pontius Pilate in a passion play at the provincial capitol. Asked why, they said, “It’s a risk. Pa’no kung irelease n’ya lahat ng convicts?!?”

Loren Legarda will likewise be active this Holy Week. Dozens of senaculo organizers have invited her. She’s the unanimous choice to play Mary Magdalene.

And did you hear about Mar Roxas’ “panata” this Lenten season? He is doing a Visita Iglesia… on a pedicab.

Under fire for “meddling” in the ongoing Sulu hostage crisis, Richard Gordon refused to play the role of any major character in a senaculo in Olongapo City. He’ll keep it low key this time and will just join the crowd… of weeping women.

hly_wk_palm At the Philippine Drug Enforcement Agency headquarters, drug agents were alarmed when palm fronds or “palaspas” went missing. They later discovered that the Alabang Boys powdered the palm fronds and rolled them into cigars. (Wow pare! Miss ko na si Maryjane dude!)

Overseas, Manny Pacquiao was invited by the Filipino community in California to participate in the traditional Pabasa. The People’s Champ did say yes to the invitation but instructed his lawyers to double check the “Pasyon” that he’s gonna read… just to make sure it wasn’t written by ABS-CBN lawyers.

hly_wk_pacquiao Just so you know… Manny Pacquiao is a devout Catholic. In fact, he already did the station of the cross last month. Three stations so far, to be exact.

In Davao City, Passion play organizers couldn’t find “extras” who were willing to act as thieves. They’re so afraid their mayor would take their roles seriously.

Remember controversial DOJ prosecutor John “Lending Business” Resado? Something weird happened at a senaculo in his native Tarlac when he played the role of Judas Iscariot. When Roman authorities paid him 30 pieces of silver for betraying Jesus, he demanded an additional 1.6 M pesos to be deposited to his BDO account.

If that’s weird, then this one’s insane: when fashion designer Boyet Fajardo played the role of a Roman soldier in a senaculo , he repeatedly slapped the guy who played Jesus, and then ordered everyone in the cast to kneel in front of him or else, he’ll have them fired from the project.

And finally…

This just in! Giant oil companies are hiking pump prices this week… in observance of “Mahal na Araw.”

President Arroyo’s Seven Last Words
(To be delivered on the eve of the next president’s inauguration)

7: “Ama, patawarin mo ako dahil hindi ko alam ang aking mga pinaggagawa.”

6: “Sinasabi ko sa ‘yo Mike: Ngayon din ay isasama kita sa aking self-exile.”

5: (To All Filipinos) “Mga anak… ako ang ina n’yo! Ako ang ina n’yong lahat!”

4: “Iggy, Mikey lama sabachthani?’ (Translation: “Mga kaalyado ko sa Kongreso, bakit n’yo ako pinabayaan?”)

3: “Natatakot ako!”

2: “Naganap na!” (Ang inauguration ng bagong pangulo!)

1: “Asawa ko, sa mga kamay mo’y ipinagtatagubilin ko ang mga nakulimbat natin sa palasyo!”

_________
“All spiritual practices are illusions created by illusionists to escape illusion.”
~Ram Dass

UP NEXT:
PRESIDENTIABLES: The Awful Truth in 60 Seconds

NO DEAL

amonged Panlilio for President?
Pampanga governor Ed Panlilio’s supporters want him to run for president in 2010. Rumors say Panlilio is willing to accept the challenge if and only if every city and municipality in the country would open a quarry site.

Panlilio for President? II
Pampanga governor Ed Panlilio says he won’t leave the priesthood even if he runs for president. But that’s okay. After all, a number of our senators and congressmen didn’t leave the circus when they ran for Congress.


“Alabang Boys” Case
Justice Secretary Raul Gonzalez has ordered the filing of charges against high-profile suspected drug dealers Richard Brodett, Jorge Joseph and Joseph Tecson otherwise known as the “Alabang Boys.” State prosecutor John Resado felt so guilty he decided to just return the 1.6 million pesos to the boys’ relatives.

“Alabang Boys” Case II
After more than six months, Justice Secretary Raul Gonzalez has finally ordered the filing of charges against the Alabang Boys. When the news came out, Embassy Super Club co-owner Tim Yap received several text messages that read, “We’re sorry for your loss.”

jaloss1 Jalosjos Goes Malling
A couple of days after his release from prison, convicted rapist and former Zamboanga Del Norte congressman Romeo Jalosjos went to the mall. He spent an hour shopping, an hour eating, two hours at the movies, and half a day “strolling” at Toy Kingdom’s Barbie and Bratz dolls section.

pacman Pacquiao Backtracks
A day after insisting that his May 2 fight will be shown on ABS-CBN, Manny Pacquiao backtracked and decided to honor his legally binding contract with Solar Sports. In a period of only four days, Pacquiao became Kapuso, Kapamilya, and Katawa-tawa.

dyanc ABS-CBN’s celebration was cut short when Manny Pacquiao decided to honor his contract with Solar Sports. Because of this development, ABS-CBN will no longer give a bonus to Dyan Castillejo.

Inquirer columnist Beth Celis said a lady brokered the aborted deal between Manny Pacquiao and ABS-CBN. Did I say ABS-CBN is no longer giving Dyan Castillejo a bonus?

In a press conference yesterday, Manny Pacquiao revealed that the statement he read during an ABS-CBN newscast insisting that his fight would be shown on the Kapamilya channel was actually prepared by representatives of the network. Sources say the prepared statement was actually drafted by the writers of “Maalaala Mo Kaya.”

Did you see Dyan Castillejo’s futile attempt to get a statement from Manny Pacquiao outside his training camp in Los Angeles? Geez, the rumor must be true after all! Dyan will replace Nicolette Sheridan in “Desperate Housewives.”

This Just In! Sketchy reports say Manny Pacquiao will not be wearing shoes when he fights Ricky Hatton on May 2! You know what he’s going to wear? Flip-flops.

_________
“Lack of loyalty is one of the major causes of failure in every walk of life.”
~Napoleon Hill

THE NEXT EPISODE

ABS-CBN’s Statement
Finally, ABS-CBN has issued a statement on the “Maalaala Mo Kaya” controversy and personally, I appreciate the network’s admission of its mistake. Part of the statement reads:

“Be that as it may, and after careful deliberation, MMK realizes that its writing and research pool may have been remiss in one thing—verifying with UPLB the veracity of the indicated facts of the letter sender. Having said that, MMK sincerely apologizes for the oversight.”

Amen!

This incident should serve as a lesson to its researchers and writers. Hindi lahat ng tagapanood, nananahimik lamang. Hindi lahat ng tagapanood, umiiyak o tumatawa lamang sa mga ginagawa n’yong kuwento sa inyong palabas. Maraming tagapanood: NAG-IISIP.

Top 5 Proposed Plots for the Next Episode of ABS-CBN’s “Maalaala Mo Kaya” (With Episode Title Suggestions)

No. 5:
Title: “Gamot”
Synopsis: Three summa cum laude graduates who belong to affluent families from Ayala Alabang Village couldn’t get a job. So they resorted to peddling drugs to equally wealthy patrons. But they got caught and jailed. Not used to staying in adverse environments like claustrophobic and dilapidated detention cells, they lost their minds. Authorities subsequently released them. However, the traumatic experience was too much for the rich kids, they never regained their sanity and became a trio of “grasa boys.”

No. 4:
Title: “Batchmates”
Synopsis: Two summa cum laude graduates from the Ateneo de Manila University were appointed to sensitive government posts. They were batchmates and friends from way back. They defended each other in legal battles. They were really that close. When male summa cum laude almost died after a heart surgery, female summa cum laude got so depressed. She eventually lost her mind and became a “babaeng grasa.” Male summa cum laude recovered. But when he discovered what happened to female summa cum laude, he himself sank into depression, lost his mind and became a “taong grasa.”

No. 3:
Title: “Abono”
Synopsis: A summa cum laude graduate from the Ateneo De Manila University robbed a government-owned bank and stashed away some 728 million pesos. He divided the loot among his friends – fellow thieves – who were running for elective posts that year. Hunted by authorities, he fled the country and worked in a fertilizer factory in Russia. Latest reports say his daily exposure to chemicals affected his health, specifically his brain. He eventually lost his mind and became a “lalaking grasa.”

No. 2:
Title: “Cellphone”
Synopsis: A summa cum laude graduate from the Assumption College became the country’s second highest-ranking government official. One day, she received a “magical cellphone” from the devil. The devil said she could use the cellphone to call anyone she wanted in order to win a hotly-contested presidential election. It turned out to be true! When the high-ranking female government official phoned an election official, her lead automatically ballooned to one million votes. She won the elections. However, the excitement brought about by the victory proved to be detrimental to her mental health. She eventually lost her sanity and became a “babaeng grasa.”

And the No. 1 proposed plot for the next episode of “Maalaala Mo Kaya”…

Title: “Rehas”
Synopsis: Ten convicts in the assassination of a former senator were granted executive clemency. The murdered senator’s high-profile daughter was deeply shocked by the decision of the president whom she supported during the elections. When she learned about the decision, she went into hysterics on national TV, convulsed live in front of the cameras, lost her sanity (which has always been unstable to begin with), and never recovered. She eventually became a “babaeng grasa.” By the way, that high-profile daughter? She was a summa cum laude graduate of the Ateneo De Manila University.

In Other News…

mancao Mancao To Tell All?
Former senior superintendent Cesar Mancao of the now defunct Presidential Anti-Organized Task Force (which was used to be headed by Panfilo Lacson) is reportedly coming home to reveal everything he knows about the Dacer-Corbito double murder case. Some people are worried though because Mancao is telling his story via ABS-CBN’s “Maalala Mo Kaya.”

Legacy Group
After testifying against Celso De Los Angeles, two former employees of the Legacy Group were not able to sleep for two nights. Yup, two nights. But that’s nothing compared to Panfilo Lacson who hasn’t slept for a week.

Jude’s Wife
According to tabloids, former presidential son Jude Estrada’s wife Rowena is pregnant. The Catholic Church is checking on the possibility that this could be the second case… only the second case of Immaculate Conception in the history of Christianity.

Eraserheads Concert
A few days before the first Eraserheads reunion concert, Ely Buendia’s mother died. A day before the second reunion concert, Ely Buendia’s good friend Francis died. Utang na loob, no more third reunion concert please!

francis Did She Really Say That?
“Kung mate-text n’yo po ngayon si Francis Magalona, ano’ng itetext n’yo?”
~ Saksi anchor Vicky Morales to Joey De Leon at the wake of Francis Magalona
(Heckler says: Ang dapat na tanong Vicky, ‘Kung mate-text n’yo po ngayon si Francis Magalona, ano po ang gagawin n’yo kapag bigla ‘siyang nag-reply?’)

Have a great weekend!

_________
“Research is formalized curiosity. It is poking and prying with a purpose.”
~Zora Neale Hurston

BELO THE BELT

arroyobeauty Beauty 101
If you want to look like Boy Abunda, go to Calayan. If you want to look like Dingdong or Piolo, go to Belo. But if you want to look for Bolante or Mike Arroyo, go to St. Luke’s.

If you want to look like Boy Abunda, go to Calayan. If you want to look like Dingdong or Piolo, go to Belo. But if you want to look like the Alabang Boys, wear shades.

If you want to look like Boy Abunda, go to Calayan. If you want to look like Dingdong or Piolo, go to Belo. But if you want to look like Manny Villar… that’ll be two Manny Villars? Double na naman?!?

If you want to look like Boy Abunda, go to Calayan. If you want to look like Dingdong or Piolo, go to Belo. But if you want to look like Bino De La Paz, play golf with the Pangandamans.

If you want to look like Boy Abunda, go to Calayan. If you want to look like Dingdong or Piolo, go to Belo. But if you want to look like Mar Roxas… p*tang-ina, seryoso ka? You wanna look like him?!?

If you want to look like Boy Abunda, go to Calayan. If you want to look like Dingdong or Piolo, go to Belo. But if you want to look like a tech-savvy Communist, go to the Netherlands and give orders to your army via the Internet.

If you want to look like Boy Abunda, go to Calayan. If you want to look like Dingdong or Piolo, go to Belo. But if you want to look like Jinggoy and Joseph Estrada, go to Ateneo.

If you want to look like Boy Abunda, go to Calayan. If you want to look like Dingdong or Piolo, go to Belo. But if you want to look like Mike Enriquez, go to La Salle.

If you want to look like Boy Abunda, go to Calayan. If you want to look like Dingdong or Piolo, go to Belo. But if you want to look invincible despite allegations of massive corruption? Go to hell!

boy-abunda-king-of-talk-01 Vicki vs. Boy
Interviewed on Showbiz Central last Sunday, Dr. Vicki Belo quipped, “If you want to look like Boy Abunda, go to Calayan. But if you want to look like Dingdong or Piolo, go to Belo.” Boy Abunda felt insulted, and was hurt and shocked… mainly because the remark came from the same person who started his deterioration.

Vicki vs. Boy II
A (self-serving) survey conducted by ABS-CBN’s Showbiz News Ngayon on Tuesday night asked, “Amid the rivalry between Drs. Vicki Belo and Manny Calayan, kanino ka pupunta? (A) Belo (B) Calayan (C) None. The economy is so bad, the voters actually picked Ellen Lising. (‘Sing chaka pero ‘di ‘sing mahal!)

calayan Vicki vs. Boy III
In response to Dr. Vicki Belo’s controversial remark, Dr. Manny Calayan said, “There’s a simple reason to our ‘To C is to believe’ campaign and that’s more about inner beauty that’s from a good and sincere heart like Boy Abunda which transcends outward a person’s life and touches other’s people’s lives. And through that inner beauty, we see and believe in the beauty of other people and we believe in their goodness.”
For that statement alone, Dr. Manny Calayan automatically earned a Top 10 spot in next week’s Bb. Pilipinas pageant!

Vicki vs. Boy IV
Addressing Dr. Vicki Belo’s “insulting” remark, TV host Boy Abunda said, “We had more good times than bad. This is not the Vicki I know.” That was the same sentiment echoed by Vicki Belo’s… mirrors.
—————–
Survey Says…
Did you play the Super Lotto last week?
Results:
Yes: 43%
No: 39%
No need. I’m rich!: 14%
Bawal sa sekta ko: 3%
Others: 1%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.
__________________
“People say I’m extravagant because I want to be surrounded by beauty. But tell me, who wants to be surrounded by garbage?”
~Imelda Marcos

JUST GOT LUCKY


Lotto Draw
Tonight, a lucky super lotto bettor could win as much as 330 million pesos, the biggest lottery prize in Philippine history. And in case you’re wondering how it feels like to win such ginormous amount, just imagine a congressman winning three consecutive House terms.

Lotto Draw II
The biggest lottery prize in Philippine history is up for grabs tonight: a super lotto bettor could win as much as 330 million pesos! And in case you’re wondering how it feels like to win such ginormous amount, just imagine four DOJ prosecutors dismissing six drug-related charges against nine Alabang Boys.

Lotto Draw III
Tonight, a lucky super lotto bettor could win as much as 330 million pesos, the biggest lottery prize in Philippine history. And in case you’re wondering how it feels like to win such ginormous amount, imagine Jocjoc Bolante disbursing half of the controversial fertilizer funds.


Lotto Draw IV
The biggest lottery prize in Philippine history is up for grabs tonight: a super lotto bettor could win as much as 330 million pesos! And in case you’re wondering how it feels like to win such ginormous amount, imagine the Euro generals attending an Interpol conference in Russia 47 times.

Lotto Draw IV
Tonight, a lucky super lotto bettor could win as much as 330 million pesos, the biggest lottery prize in Philippine history. And in case you’re wondering how it feels like to win such ginormous amount, imagine E.C. De Luna Construction winning three World Bank-funded projects.

Lotto Draw V
The biggest lottery prize in Philippine history is up for grabs tonight: a super lotto bettor could win as much as 330 million pesos! And in case you’re wondering how it feels like to win such ginormous amount, imagine you’re the First Gentleman and you’re friends with Eduardo De Luna who won at least 22 World Bank-funded projects.

Lotto Draw VI
Later, a lucky super lotto bettor could win as much as 330 million pesos, the biggest lottery prize in history. And in case you’re wondering how it feels like to win such ginormous amount, imagine Dr. Hayden Kho the first time Dr. Vicki Belo said yes to him.

Lotto Draw VII
Tonight, a lucky super lotto bettor could win as much as 330 million pesos, the biggest lottery prize in Philippine history. NBN Channel 4 is also hoping to establish a new record – its highest television ratings in years.

Lotto Draw VIII
The biggest lottery prize in Philippine history is up for grabs tonight: a super lotto bettor could win as much as 330 million pesos! And in case you’re wondering how it feels like to win such ginormous amount, don’t just sit there! Go out and bet! (When I’m done with this blog post, I’ll gonna go out and buy a ticket!)

alma In Other News…
Ness Remarries

I guess you’ve heard the news. Parañaque City councilor Alma Moreno has remarried. She wed Marawi City mayor Sultan Fahad “Pre” Salic. From Mayor “Tsong” of Luzon to Mayor “Pre” of Mindanao. Believe me, Mayor “Tol” of Visayas is next.

belog Belo Sued
A US-based 50-year-old woman has sued well-known cosmetic surgeon Dr. Vicki Belo after her face became swollen following an alleged bungled cosmetic procedure… something that was not really surprising considering how Belo failed to perfect a similar procedure on her own face.

Survey Says…
Where should Lance Corporal Daniel Smith be detained?
Results:
US Embassy: 42%
New Bilibid Prisons: 40%
I have a place: 13%
Others: 5%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

__________
“I wasn’t lucky. I deserved it.”
~Margaret Thatcher

MEN OF SUBSTANCE 2


Top 10 Shocking Findings of the Independent Probe Conducted on the Alabang Boys Bribery Scandal

10: The Alabang Boys were actually fraternal triplets.

9: When Alabang boy Jorge Joseph (son of Johnny Midnight) was nabbed by PDEA agents, he was carrying three liters of toning water.

8: Tim Yap and his Embassy friends are regular visitors of the Alabang Boys at the PDEA detention cell bringing with them big placards that say: “Justice for the Alabang Boys, Justice for All Social Users!”

7: The parents of the Alabang Boys were loyal clients of DOJ Prosecutor John Resado’s lending business.

6: The controversial DOJ letterhead where the release order was drafted by one of the lawyers of the Alabang Boys (for the DOJ Secretary to sign) is being sold in Recto Avenue, Manila for years.

5: There was a fourth Alabang Boy, and a fifth, a sixth, a seventh, an eight, a ninth, a 10th, an 11th, a 12th, a 13th, a 14th and so on. They’re just out there.

4: A surprise witness, Clarissa Ocampo claimed she was one foot away when a relative of one of the Alabang Boys deposited the bribe money to the bank account of DOJ prosecutor John Resado.

3: The Alabang Boys attempted to bribe DOJ Secretary Raul Gonzales with a year-long supply of Viagra. He felt insulted and didn’t sign the release order.

2: When one of the Alabang Boys was chased during the buy-bust operation, he tried to seek refuge at the St. Luke’s Medical Center (clasping his chest), but PDEA agents caught him before he could reach the hospital.

And the No. 1 shocking finding of the independent probe conducted on the Alabang Boys bribery scandal…

1: This is a high-profile scandal, right? But guess what? The Alabang Boys were not Ateneans!

In Other News…
Japanese finance minister Shoichi Nakagawa is stepping down following reports that he was drunk at a recent G-7 news conference in Rome. In announcing his plan to quit, Nakagawa said, “I have caused trouble to the people.” If Filipino politicians were to emulate Nakagawa, we’d be a leaderless nation right now.

Citibank Client Goes Berserk?
Is this for real? You be the judge.

R&B: Rhythm and Bloodied
Here’s a photo of R&B artist Rihanna after being assaulted by boyfriend Chris Brown.
________________
“A man should never be ashamed to own that he has been in the wrong, which is but saying… that he is wiser today than yesterday.”
~Jonathan Swift

LOVE IN THE TIME OF POLITICS

Top 10 Political Valentine Card Messages

10. To Lance Corporal Daniel Smith
From New Bilibid Prisons Inmates

Roses are red
Violets are blue
We’re so excited
Can’t wait for you.

9. To The Senate
From Jocjoc Bolante

How do I lie thee?
Let me count the ways.

8. To the Three Alabang Boys
From PDEA Director Dionisio Santiago

O, drug dealers na makapangyarihan
Sampung prosecutors ang nasasaklawan
Kapag pumasok kayo saan mang kulungan
Susuhulan lahat lumaya ka lamang.

7. To DOJ Prosecutor John Resado
From The Alabang Boys

Thank you for tryin’
we appreciate it
Just return our money
or get mired in deep shit.

6. To All German Nationals in the Philippines
From Sen. Lito Lapid with Love on Valentine’s Day

Penpen de sarapen
De kutsilyo de almasen
Haw haw de carabao
De van hauten.

5. To Loren
From Your ex, Tony Leviste

All alone in my cell, I think of you my darling
Will you visit me today for an hour of canoodling?
I’ve got a bed, two soft pillows, and a tv set to boot
I vow to be gentle, I promise not to shoot!

4. To Ping and Jamby
From Manny Villar

On Valentine’s Day I forgive, I forget
Just stop the big fuss about the C-5 budget
Double insertion? Did you say I’m guilty?
My wife’s a billionaire so that’s a baloney!

3. To Korina
From Mar Roxas

Thanks for the support oh my dearest one
Next year, I promise, we’ll be in Malacañang
“First Lady” of the land, isn’t that what you wanted?
And I, your President, ‘tang ina, I’m excited!

2. To The World Bank and the Senate
From First Gentleman Mike Arroyo

On this day of hearts, I appeal to thee
My heart is so weak, so please have some mercy
Hearsay! Malicious! The reports are baseless
Even if you ask Merceditas Gutierrez!

And the No. 1 Political Valentine Card Message…

1. To President Arroyo
From US President Barack Obama

I really am sorry for ignoring you dear
I just don’t feel comfy whenever you’re near
My target is to make the U.S.A. better
While your only goal is to change a Charter!
________

Another New York Plane Crash
A Continental Express plane with 48 people aboard crashed into a Buffalo home in upstate New York. But here’s a more shocking revelation. Unknown to everyone, during US President Barack Obama’s inauguration, a commercial plane ran out of gas while flying over Washington DC. Luckily, the pilot safely landed the aircraft… on Aretha Franklin’s hat.

paule Paule in Pasay
Remember businessman Jaime Paule? The alleged bagman in the P728M fertilizer fund scam who was ordered arrested by the Senate at the St. Luke’s Medical Center is now detained at the Pasay City jail. Isn’t that a double whammy? Makukulong ka na nga lang sa Pasay City Jail pa! And did you see the detention cell? That’s not a jail man. That’s a cage!

Australian Wildfires
Australian authorities have arrested an arson suspect responsible for the wildfires that have so far killed 181 people and left thousands homeless. Nope, there’s no truth to rumors that the suspect was arrested at the St. Luke’s Medical Center.

Elsewhere…
Check out the fascinating story about a boy who fathered a child at 13.
_________

Survey Says…
Are you going out on a romantic date on Valentine’s Day?
Results:
No: 36%
Date? What date?! : 32%
Hopefully: 18%
Yes: 14%
Others: 1%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.
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“Minamalat na naman ang puso ko. Pa’no kasi, laging isinisigaw ang pangalan mo.”
~Filipino Pick-up Line

LEGACY

Broke? legacy-2
The Legacy Group’s 13 rural banks, which have a combined deposit of P14.03 billion closed just before Christmas last year for being insolvent. Legacy’s pre-need firms that have some 50,000 plan holders have also ceased operations. Legacy Group founder Celso De Los Angeles Jr., a mayor of Santo Domingo, Albay has likewise been selling properties following the collapse of his businesses. Concerned residents of Santo Domingo are calling on the provincial government to check on rumors their municipal hall is now up for sale.

legacy Celso De Los Angeles Jr. admitted that Legacy owed investors 1 billion pesos to pay back the “principal,” which would balloon to 2.5 billion pesos based on the arrangement that the company would double their money. Asked by reporters how Legacy would pay its obligations, De los Angeles said, “Give me six more terms as mayor.”

Legacy Group’s banks have closed and its pre-need firms have ceased operations. Celso De Los Angeles Jr. is so broke he plans to borrow money from DOJ Prosecutor John Resado.

Legacy Group’s banks have closed and its pre-need firms have ceased operations. Celso De Los Angeles Jr. is so broke he wished he were a state prosecutor instead.

During the Senate hearing, Sen. Mar Roxas criticized Legacy Group’s “double-your-money-scheme,” to which Sen. Manny Villar said, “O, ba’t nakatingin ka sa akin? Wala akong alam d’yan huh!”

nogra Celso De Los Angeles Jr. claimed that House Speaker Prospero Nograles also lost some 18 to 20 million pesos as a Legacy Group investor. Finally, some good news.

bin Binay’s Biopic
Reports say a film on the life of Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay is underway. This early though, the writer is having a difficult time adding spice and variety to the script… because all his life Binay has been mayor of Makati City.

Binay’s Biopic II
True: Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay is financing the production of his film bio. Not true: the film will be called “The Dark Knight Too.”

Another rumor: Mar Roxas is also producing his own biopic. The rumored title: Magnum P.I. (Ninyong Lahat!)

And another unconfirmed report: Manny Villar is starring in his own film bio. It promises to be an action-packed movie, but Villar assures, “I will do all the scenes. Promise, walang double.”

And finally, there’s no truth to rumors that Loren Legarda has reconciled with ex-hubby, Jose Antonio Leviste for her planned remake of a Nora Aunor classic. The movie? Bulaklak ng City Jail.

alabang_boys3
The Case of the “Alabang Boys”
The Court of Appeals (CA) Special 13th Division, through Associate Justice Monina Zenarosa junked the petition for habeas corpus filed by relatives of the “Alabang Boys” – Richard Brodett, Jorge Joseph, and Joseph Tecson. That means they will remain in detention until the DOJ has ruled on their case. The boys’ relatives are now blaming one another for the dismissal of the petition. An enraged kin was heard saying, “I told you to include the CA in the budget! Hindi kayo nakinig!”

With the appellate court’s latest ruling, Richard Brodett will remain in detention at the PDEA headquarters until the DOJ has ruled on their case. That’s really bad news for his mother Myra who’ll be forced to travel to Sagada herself to buy the “stuff.”

alabang-boys And the latest buzz… Because of their popularity at high-end party joints, the Alabang Boys have just been offered three endorsement deals. Yup, they are the new endorsers of Ray-Ban, Rudy Project, and Oakley.

And lastly, apparently inspired by Mayor Jojo Binay, the Alabang Boys will produce their own biopic as soon as they are set free. Here are the Top 7 suggested titles submitted by PDEA agents but were rejected by the boys’ relatives:

7: Babangon Ako’t Dudrugahin Kita

6: Confessions of A Cokeaholic

5: Bribe and Prejudice

4: WALL- E (Filipino Subtitle: Si Wall, Ang Robot na Addict sa Ecstasy)

3: Harry Tooter and the Prisoners of Alabang

2: Quantum of Suhol

And the No. 1 PDEA-suggested title for the Alabang Boys’ biopic…

1: Major Marcelino:Alabang Boys:Resado Subtitle: The Good, The Bad and the Ugly

Postscript to a Road Rage
The Office of the Solicitor General found Philip Salvador guilty of estafa two days after the actor punched a bus driver along Edsa. Salvador insists, “Mabilis talaga ang bus.” Mas mabilis ang karma.

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“Whoever is detected in a shameful fraud is ever after not believed even if they speak the truth.”
~Phaedrus

DAMAGED IMAGE

resado2
Top 5 Ways DOJ Prosecutor John Resado Can Improve His Public Image

5: Agree to fight Ricky Hatton or Floyd Mayweather Jr.

4: Organize an Anti-Drug Abuse Party to be attended by all PDEA agents and DOJ prosecutors at the Embassy Super Club.

3: Play golf at the Valley Golf and Country Club; argue with the Pangandamans; allow himself to be beaten black and blue, and then blog about it.

2: Start dressing up like Bebe Gandanghari and announce on TV that “John Resado is dead.”

And the No. 1 way DOJ Prosecutor John Resado can improve his public image…

1: Offer loan packages at zero percent interest.