OSAMA IN THE DEEPEST


MAY 1, 2011: AL QAEDA leader Osama bin Laden was killed in an operation in Abbottabad, Pakistan by US elite forces. Delighted by the successful operation, President Obama ordered the implementation of a salary increase for soldiers in June instead of July.

The whole world is talking about the death of terror leader Osama bin Laden. After last week’s Royal Wedding, Osama’s death is considered as another momentous global event… so huge that Merceditas Gutierrez thought of re-quitting her post yesterday.

In a statement following the death of Osama bin Laden, President Aquino called on the public “to remain vigilant and united in pursuing peace, pluralism, and collective efforts at security.” And then he blamed Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo for the growth of al-Qaeda.

Reports say US forces have buried slain al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden at sea… to the disappointment of his family and loyal supporters who were demanding that he be buried at the Libingan ng mga Bayani.

Within 24 hours after his death, Osama bin Laden was reportedly buried at sea. S-L-N. Sumalaot nawa.

Osama bin Laden has been buried. Unfortunately, only one Filipino was able to attend the funeral. She was bin Laden’s yaya for 14 years.

Osama bin Laden is dead. In a statement, Joseph Estrada said he has forgiven bin Laden.


Osama bin Laden is dead. Terrorists all over the world are now collecting relics of the slain terrorist leader in preparation for his beatification next year.

Al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden was killed inside a fortified compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan. Elite American forces reportedly found a laptop inside the terror leader’s room. They confirmed it was owned by bin Laden because the computer history revealed he had been searching Google for tips on how to cook camel afritada, goat menudo, and sheep embotido.

Unconfirmed reports say days before he got killed, Osama bid Laden was asked by the Saudi government to go back home. Had he returned, he would have been offered a post in government – DILG secretary.

Osama bin Laden’s death has been confirmed. And Cesar Purisima was like, “Buti pa ‘yon.”

Donald Trump was overjoyed when he heard that the United States of America have killed terror leader Osama bin Laden. He noted that what George W. Bush failed to do as an American was accomplished by his successor, a Kenyan.

British Prime Minister David Cameron said Osama bin Laden’s demise would “bring great relief to people across the world”. For more than a decade, bin Laden has terrified many Britons. With his death, Brits would only have to deal with the terrifying hats of Princess Beatrice.

Osama bin Laden, the world’s Most Wanted Man is officially dead. That’s bad news for the world’s Second Most Wanted Man.

When news of Osama bin Laden’s death first came out, nobody believed it… except for Philippine Star columnist Carmen Pedrosa.

Al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Ladenn was finally located after a 10-year manhunt. There’s still hope for our local police. Roselle Jakosalem Peñas has only been missing for 20 days.

Briefly Noted
The month of May started with the news of Osama bin Laden’s death. It will end with the news of Friendster’s demise. Sad news for their followers.
————————————————
“We love death. The US loves life. That is the difference between us two.”
~Osama bin Laden

Photo of the Weak

Elsewhere
‘Rot in Hell’: The Best bin Laden Front Pages

You Have Spoken
Ano ang reaksyon mo sa pagbibitiw ni Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez?
Dapat lang! Sana nga noon pa! 31.1%
Sayang. Sana umabot sa impeachment. 25.8%
Ang ganda ng gown ni Kate Middleton. In all fairness. 43.11%

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Live. Love. Laugh. Lakers. Peace everyone! 

VIRUS ALERT

PBA09rrsn020

Experts have advised computer users in the Philippines to take extreme caution following the discovery of several new computer viruses. The Professional Heckler is making the list public for the first time. Indulge!

The Gloria Arroyo Virus: Despite several attempts to remove it, it stays in your computer

The Joseph Estrada Virus: You end your computer session and it keeps coming back

The Mar Roxas Virus: Your computer automatically sends an email that curses the receiver

The Manny Villar Virus: When it infects the system, it doubles and then inserts itself as an email attachment

The Loren Legarda Virus: It targets old files

The Panfilo Lacson Virus: Terminates programs without warning

The Celso De Los Angeles Virus: Saves all your data and then corrupts them

The Chiz Escudero Virus: Appears harmless but has a hidden agenda

The Bayan Muna Virus: It attacks the system

The Jamby Madrigal Virus: Projects itself as a worm and infects rich text format documents only

The Noli De Castro Virus: It makes your computer run slow.

The Lito Lapid Virus: Similar to The Noli De Castro Virus but your computer runs much slower

The Bong Revilla Virus: It screws up everything.

The Gov. Ed Panlilio Virus: Originally appeared as an anti-virus until the corrupted system changed its behavior

The Edgardo Angara Virus: A variant of the Trojan Horse virus: has complete access to the system; gathers info and then re-sends it to outside users

The Jose Ma. Sison Virus: It can destroy your files from a remote computer

The Jovito Palparan Virus: A file just disappears from the computer and never shows up again

The Bureau of Customs Virus: It installs hidden programs, such as pirated software

The Tasaday Virus Ignore it. It’s just a hoax.

The Eddie Villanueva Virus: It has 5 million variants

The John Osmeña Virus: Loves to target the hard drive

The Willie Revillame Virus: Fills up your computer with garbage

The Iglesia Ni Cristo Virus: It controls the entire system

The CBCP Virus: Keeps multiplying itself and eats up space

The Abu Sayyaf Virus: You press the “Delete Key” and it activates the “Escape” [Esc] key instead

The Cecile Guidote-Alvarez Virus: You press the “Return Key” and there’s no response

The Danilo Suarez & Martin Romualdez Virus: It directly targets computer menus

The Ka Roger Rosal Virus: It cannot be found.

The Smart and Globe Virus: Keeps sending unwanted spam mails resulting in the disappearance of data

The Susan Roces Virus: It infects the system not just once but twice

The Vicki Belo Virus: Anti-viruses find it hard to identify since it constantly alters its appearance
________
“No science is immune to the infection of politics and the corruption of power.”
~ Jacob Bronowski

Elsewhere…
Forbes Magazine has released its annual list of the world’s 100 Most Powerful Women. Did outgoing Philippine President Arroyo make the cut this year? Here’s the complete list.

FIGHTERS

notter Notter Is Free
International Committee of the Red Cross member Andreas Notter is finally free. It just goes to show that good things do happen when the hostage prays, the military pursues, and Richard Gordon shuts the f*ck up.

flash Twin Victories!
Nonito Donaire and Brian Viloria scored convincing victories in their respective bouts Sunday. GMA 7 and Solar Sports aired a super delayed telecast of the event but boxing-obsessed fans still waited to see both fights. To give you an idea how obsessed have we become with boxing… yesterday… at the Senate, Manny Villar and Ping Lacson tried to knock each other out.

villarlacxon Being probed by Sen. Panfilo Lacson’s ethics committee on the alleged C5 road double funding, Sen. Manuel Villar delivered a fiery and emotional privilege speech yesterday. He took a swipe at Lacson’s alleged links to murders; Miguel Zubiri’s alleged cheating in the elections; Jamby Madrigal’s questionable ethics, and Mar Roxas’ “girlfriend na bira nang bira.” Later in the evening, Villar’s staff discovered that the senator inadvertently read the draft of a speech intended for next year’s “miting de avance.”

marko Mar and Korina
Did you hear the news? Sen. Mar Roxas reportedly introduced Korina Sanchez to his relatives on his mother’s side during a recent reunion of the filthy-rich Araneta clan in Bago City, Negros Occidental. It marked the first time in his political career that Roxas formally introduced to close family members… a potential election endorser.

Mar Roxas told the press, “Korina is so much a part of my life and so much a part of my heart, it’s only natural for her to be here also.” Of course, it was just coincidence that all these things are happening months before his biggest political battle.

Something awkward happened when Mar and Korina attended the Aranetas’ reunion in Negros the other day. When Roxas was told that he must introduce Korina to some 1,200 members of the Araneta family, he yelled, “Put*ng inaaa… ang dami naman!”

Something more awkward happened at the Aranetas’ reunion in Negros recently when a research team sent by SWS conducted a survey on the 1,200 family members. When the results were tallied, Mar Roxas placed sixth!

But the most awkward moment actually happened last year when Mar introduced himself to Korina’s relatives. Mar said, “Good evening everyone. From the beautiful city of Bago, Negros Occidental, I am Manuel Roxas II and I believe in the saying ‘If there’s a wheel, there’s a pedicab!’ I thank you!”

persida2 The PAO Chief
Talking about introductions, remember PAO Chief Atty. Persida Rueda-Acosta? When she heard the news that Ted Failon’s wife was shot, she rushed to Ted’s house and said, “Hi I am Attorney Acosta of PAO. I am not making promises but I will try my best to convince the president to grant you a pardon… just in case.”

I am sure you know Atty. Persida Rueda-Acosta of the Public Attorneys Office. She’s the one who fought for the release of Ninoy Aquino’s murderers. She was also photographed with priest killer Roberto Manero when the latter was released a few years back. Reports say Acosta cried when Justice Sec. Raul Gonzales called her “crazy” following her “legal counseling” of Ted Failon. Asked if Gonzales’ allegation was true, Acosta who was then crying, smiled… and then cried again, and then smiled.

rama2 Annabelle, Again
Annabelle Rama reportedly watched Sunday’s “The Flash and the Furious” boxing event. After watching both fights, Rama told the press, “Dong, ridi na ko! Iharap mo sa ‘kin sina Joanne Maglipon at Wilma Galvante dong.”

Breaking News!
It’s official! Annabelle Rama has replaced Kris Aquino as the Filipinos’ favorite pastime.

__________
“Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people.”
~Spencer Johnson

‘SENSYA NA… TSAO LANG!

“The ‘servant’ is a sacred term. A Hong Kong government official is a civil servant. We are all servants to God, right? I’m now aware that I’ve crossed the line and I offer my public apology.”
~Chip Tsao’s apology aired over ATV Television Tuesday night

Postscript to a “Chip” Column
Parañaque City Rep. Roilo Golez has challenged HK Magazine columnist Chip Tsao to one round of boxing. His wife calls it “courage.” His supporters call it “nationalism.” I call it publicity.

Interviewed on ATV Television, HK Magazine columnist Chip Tsao apologized for calling the Philippines “a nation of public servants.” Dissatisfied with the apology, the president is sending “super maids” to Hong Kong “to teach” him a lesson.

Remember Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago’s statement during the NBN-ZTE deal probe that the Chinese invented corruption? Chip Tsao said, “Not true! We did not invent corruption. We invented satire!”

The Filipino consul in Hong Kong revealed that “Luisa”, the Filipina domestic helper identified in Tsao’s column was being treated well in the Tsao household. To give you an idea how well she’s being treated, “Luisa” admitted that she’d rather work for Chip Tsao than work for Princess Revilla.

chip_immig The Bureau of Immigration has ordered airport authorities to prevent Chip Tsao from entering the country, to which the controversial Chinese columnist said, “Duh! Do they even have airplanes there?”

Rumors say Sen. Panfilo Lacson has flown to Hong Kong to hunt down Chip Tsao. He wants to personally thank the columnist for diverting media attention from the Dacer-Corbito murder case.

In Other News hostages1
DILG Sec. Ronaldo Puno says the three Red Cross volunteers held hostage by Abu Sayyaf terrorists are still alive. Puno adds government soldiers, with their tanks and mortars have surrounded the Abu Sayyaf lair in Sulu. They’ve also invited Cong. Roilo Golez in case the kidnappers prefer hand to hand combat.

Alma Marries Mayor
Parañaque City councilor Vanessa Lacsamana a.k.a. Alma Moreno wed Marawi City Mayor Fahad Salic in a Muslim rite two Saturdays ago. Alma is now officially the city’s Fourth Lady.

Parañaque City councilor Alma Moreno has married Marawi City Mayor Fahad Salic who, according to reports, has three other women. But that didn’t bother Alma who was previously married to another mayor with twice as many.

glvanannae Annabelle Rama Sued
GMA executive Wilma Galvante has sued talent manager Annabelle Rama for libel. She also asked the court to order the Bureau of Food and Drugs to test Rama’s mouth for salmonella “dahil sobrang dumi ng lumalabas dito.”
________________
“A stiff apology is a second insult. The injured party does not want to be compensated because he has been wronged; he wants to be healed because he has been hurt.”
~G.K. Chesterton

FASHION VICTIM

boyet_f The Boyet Fajardo Story
By now, you must be all familiar with Angelino “Boyet” Fajardo. But in case you’re not… let me tell you who he is. Boyet Fajardo is the week’s second most unpopular newsmaker – next only to Manny Pacquiao.

The Boyet Fajardo Story II
Boyet Fajardo, the fashion designer who humiliated two Duty Free employees by shouting invectives & expletives at them has apologized. But Fajardo insisted – hurling invectives and expletives at the employees was actually an idea of ABS-CBN lawyers.

Did you hear the news? Boyet Fajardo has apologized to the employees of Duty Free Philippines. GMA 7 is now offering him a TV show.

boyet_f2 The Boyet Fajardo Story III
Controversial fashion designer Boyet Fajardo has apologized. Asked why it took him 12 days to say sorry, he replied, “Heller! Pasalamat nga kayo at nag-apologize pa ako! Si Jalosjos nga, 13 years na ‘di pa nag-so-sorry ‘noh!”

Embattled fashion designer Boyet Fajardo has apologized for humiliating Duty Free Philippines employees last March 13. Asked why it took him 12 days to say sorry when he could have done it after two or three days, Fajardo replied, “Two days??? Who do you think I am? Pacquiao?!?”

The Boyet Fajardo Story IV boyet_f5
The employees union of Duty Free Philippines has filed a complaint before the Commission on Human Rights against designer Angelino “Boyet” Fajardo for his outburst inside the store’s outlet in Parañaque City last March 13. Trembling with fear and thinking of the worst scenario, Fajardo has started conceptualizing clothes designs – for inmates.

The Boyet Fajardo Story V
Fashion designer Boyet Fajardo, who humiliated two Duty Free employees has issued a public apology. But his lawyer insisted that the incident was just a “product of creative outburst.” Therefore I conclude, the lawyer is more gay than the client.

boyet_f3 The Boyet Fajardo Story VI
Did you know that Boyet Fajardo’s’ “creative outburst” at a Duty Free Philippines outlet in Parañaque City dragged on for nearly four hours? To give you an idea how long the “outburst” was, before Fajardo could even finish his “scene,” Manny Pacquiao has already signed three different contracts with two different networks!

Boyet Fajardo’s “creative outburst” at a Duty Free Philippines outlet in Parañaque City dragged on for several hours. To give you an idea how unusually long it was, “Nicole” was still a Filipina “rape victim” when it started. By the time Fajardo was done, “Nicole” was already an American bride.

The Boyet Fajardo Story VII
Duty Free Philippines rejected the apology of Boyet Fajardo. Embarrassed, the fashion designer will just apologize to Solar Sports and GMA 7.

This just in! The Professional Heckler has just received a call from Boyet Fajardo. The infamous fashion designer clarified that he was not a product of Ateneo. He’s actually a graduate of UST.

Kata-Quote!
“Mga leche kayo! Hindi n’yo ako kilala? Ako si Boyet Fajardo! At itong put*ng-inang babaeng ito at ang baklang ito ay mga walang kuwentang tao! I want them fired!”
~ Fashion designer Boyet Fajardo’s reaction when, – after presenting an unsigned credit card at the cashier – two Duty Free employees asked for another ID

ganewses In Other News…
President Arroyo said that 41,000 people in the Philippines have lost their jobs due to the global recession. The economy is so bad Boyet Fajardo’s boutiques have zero customers for three days now.

parad Searching for Parad
Aldaber Parad is reportedly wounded. You don’t know Aldaber Parad? Mga leche kayo! Hindi n’yo siya kilala? Si Aldaber Parad ang bagong lider ng Abu Sayyaf! At ‘yang mga put*ng inang supporters ng Abu Sayyaf at ng mga teroristang bumihag sa Red Cross volunteers ay mga walang kwentang tao! I want them fired (at)!

reccross Abu Sayyaf abductors of three International Committee of the Red Cross members gave authorities until Saturday, March 28, to order the pullout of all government forces in Sulu. Otherwise, they’ll either behead one of the hostages or worse, they’ll be compelled to make “sumbong” to Dick Gordon.

Abu Sayyaf leader Aldaber Parad appealed to fellow Muslims not to condemn their decision to kidnap three Red Cross volunteers. Parad explained that the incident was just a product of their “terroristic outburst.”

WB Road Projects Mess
The Office of the Ombudsman recommended the filing of charges against 17 past and present DPWH officials in connection with the World Bank-funded projects mess. The First Gentleman was not included in the rap sheet but the Ombudsman insisted that some members of the investigating body wanted to actually charge him. Asked how many members went against the First Gentleman, the Ombudsman answered, “Five percent.”

Another Recognition for Pacquiao
Manny Pacquiao has been voted fighter of the year by the Boxing Writers Association of America. The group recognized Pacquiao for successfully fighting Solar Sports and GMA 7 resulting in his winning a contract with ABS-CBN, and then successfully fighting against ABS-CBN and winning back Solar Sports and GMA 7.

__________
“Bullies are always cowards at heart and may be credited with a pretty safe instinct in scenting their prey.”
~ Anna Julia Cooper

MINDANAO 2028


Newspaper Headlines From the Independent State of Mindanao, Year 2028

Al Haj Murad seeks fresh term as Mindanao president,
Christian minority calls for boycott of polls

* * *

New government inaugurates police and military camps in Cotabato;
Osama Bin Laden is guest speaker

* * *

Commander Bravo sworn in as new chief of the Armed Forces of Mindanao

* * *

Abu Sayyaf Party wins big in local elections

* * *

Murad ignores pleas to release Piñol, 14 other political prisoners

* * *

President Escudero vows to block Mindanao’s bid for Asean membership

* * *

Fundamentalist cleric renews call to reclaim Sabah, invade Manila

* * *

Didagen Dilangalen named new Mindanao envoy to the Philippines

* * *

Suicide bomber attacks Lanao public market, suspect identified as Catholic

* * *

December 25 declared as a special working day, Christians cry foul

* * *

Ailing Joma Sison hits Malacañang, to seek asylum in Mindanao instead

* * *

Mindanao adopts “kudarat” as new currency unit

* * *

Government issues list of new national symbols:
Durian is national fruit; tuna, nat’l fish; airsoft, nat’l sport and Fernando Poe Jr., national hero

* * *

Nokia unveils latest cell phone unit, new feature can detonate 10 bombs simultaneously

* * *

RP-Mindanao Friendly Games seen to ease tension between the two states

* * *

Maranao lass is 1st ever Bb. Mindanao, eyes Miss Universe 2029 title

B IS FOR BRIBERY

Court of Appeals Bribery
The Lopezes are being accused of bribing Court of Appeals Associate Justice Jose L. Sabio Jr. for a favorable ruling on the Meralco-GSIS row. Let’s see if Judy Ann Santos could explain this one.

Court of Appeals Bribery II
Meralco Chairman and CEO Manolo Lopez said Court of Appeals Associate Justice Jose Sabio Jr. must not worry about his safety after exposing an alleged bribery by the Lopezes. He added, “I want to assure Justice Sabio that the Lopez family has never been involved in any form of violence whatsoever.” I believe him. The Lopezes would never order the assassination of Sabio. Character assassination by DZMM commentators is another issue though.

Court of Appeals Bribery III
The Lopezes’ “emissary” reportedly offered a bribe of 10 million to Associate Justice Jose Sabio Jr… to which the Isnajis of Sulu reacted, “Samantalang kami, five million lang ‘di pa mapagbigyan.”

Pulse Asia Survey
The latest Pulse Asia survey showed that if presidential elections were held today, Vice President Noli De Castro who obtained a rating of 22 percent would win followed by deposed president Joseph Estrada with 16 percent. Sen. Loren Legarda was strong in third with 14 percent – but is expected to zoom to first place if there would be another kidnapping rescue in Mindanao.

Pulse Asia Survey II
The latest Pulse Asia survey showed that if presidential elections were held today, Vice President Noli De Castro would win. The good news is, we’re not having the elections today.

Pulse Asia Survey III
The latest Pulse Asia survey showed that if presidential and vice presidential elections were held today, the tandem of Loren Legarda and Chiz Escudero would win, followed by the Villar-De Castro, and the Roxas-Pangilinan tandems. However, about 1 in 5 Filipino adults do not prefer any of the tandems… and opted to go for the Marian-Dingdong team-up.

Pulse Asia Survey IV
According to Pulse Asia, if presidential elections were held today Senate President Manuel Villar would get 12 percent; Sen. Mar Roxas, eight percent; Sen. Panfilo Lacson, five percent; Makati Mayor Jejomar Binay, two percent; MMDA Chairman Bayani Fernando, one percent and Interior Secretary Ronaldo Puno, 0.2 percent. If you combined their ratings though, Dyesebel would still beat them by a mile.

University Survey
Only the University of the Philippines and Ateneo de Manila University made it to the list of world’s top 500 universities based on the 2007 survey conducted by the Times Higher Education Supplement Quackquarelli Symonds. UP was ranked 398th while Ateneo took 451st place. De La Salle University, which dropped to 519th, is dismayed by the results and seriously considers filing a protest… at the UAAP board.

University Survey II
Only the University of the Philippines and Ateneo de Manila University made it to the list of world’s top 500 universities based on the 2007 survey conducted by the Times Higher Education Supplement Quackquarelli Symonds. UP was ranked 398th while Ateneo took 451st place. University of Sto. Tomas which dropped out of the elite 500 and is now at 535th vowed to make a comeback… by dethroning UP in the upcoming UAAP cheerdance competition.

Abu Sayyaf Strike Again
Reports say the Abu Sayyaf Group has abducted two traders of cosmetic products in Sulu. Reacting to the report, Ces Drilon said, “Sana isinabay na lang sa ‘min no’n.”

ACTING PRESIDENT

null GMA in the US

President Arroyo signed a directive allowing Vice President Noli de Castro to assume the functions of the Office of the President during her 10-day trip to the United States. But the vice president explained he’d be able to act as president only for four days because the first six days, he’d spend reading and understanding the directive.

null While in the United States, President Arroyo is reportedly monitoring the typhoon in the country… something that’s almost impossible considering that even PAGASA- which is right there in QC couldn’t even monitor the storm!

Press Secretary Jesus Dureza says although President Arroyo is “concerned” about the weather situation in the Philippines, she would never cut short her US trip. In fact, she’s more concerned about Noli De Castro as acting president.

null Postscript to an Abduction

Police say the 5 million peso-ransom paid to the Abu Sayyaf group came from the Oreña family… which is actually good news because if it came from the Lopezes, your June 2008 Meralco billing might just give you a headache.

Authorities are investigating the chartered Seair flight which reportedly delivered two mysterious duffel bags at the Jolo airport the day Ces Drilon et al. were released. Police are checking on reports that one bag contained cash and the other… make-up kit.

Ces Drilon, her cameraman and a Mindanao university professor walked for almost six hours along with their abductors the night they were released. Actually, the kidnappers had an option to let them ride a jeep – if not for the high cost of gas.

Question: How would you know if the armed men who took you hostage are members of the Abu Sayyaf Group?
Answer: They do not address their leader as “boss” or “sir.” They call him “mayor.”

In Entertainment…

YES! Magazine has released its own list of the 100 Most Beautiful People (inspired by PEOPLE magazine’s 50 Most Beautiful People). Under the “porcelain” category (recognized for their great skin), there’s Lucy Torres, Bea Alonzo, Lorna Tolentino, and Gretchen Barretto among others. And then there’s Vicki Zubiri, Tingting Cojuangco, Vicky Belo and Imelda Cojuangco under “plastics” category.

null Quotable Quote

“That cannot be. We own the bank!”
Gretchen Barretto when her credit card was declined at Dusit Hotel after having dinner with friends Ruffa Gutierrez and Pops Fernandez, and sister Marjorie Barretto. The controversial actress has since denied ever making that statement.

RELEASED

Released Philippine television journalist Ces Drilon wipes her ... The Ces Drilon Abduction

With Ces Drilon and her crew now released from captivity, the military and the police will launch an all-out offensive to pursue and neutralize their kidnappers. First target: the Indanan municipal hall in Sulu.

Sen. Loren Legarda is so happy that Ces Drilon has been freed by her abductors… but she is happier she’s getting free pre-election publicity.

    Popular TV news anchor Ces Drilon, right, leans on the shoulder of Sen. Loren Legarda during a news conference Wednesday June 18, 2008, at the Manila Airport's private hangar upon arrival from the southern Philippines. Drilon, her cameraman Jimmy Encarnacion, and a Muslim professor were released before midnight Tuesday after being kidnapped by Al-Qaida-linked militants in the volatile island of Jolo in southern Philippines on June 8, 2008. Another TV crew member kidnapped with Drilon was released late last week. Legarda, a former ABS-CBN anchor helped secure the hostages' release. (AP Photo/Bullit Marquez)    Sen. Loren Legarda scored some pogi points when she helped facilitate the release of Ces Drilon et al. This just in: Vice President Noli De Castro requested to shoot two more Pag-IBIG Fund infomercials, Sen. Manny Villar has doubled the number of his own TV spots, and Sen. Panfilo Lacson has demanded additional billboards from Facial Care Center.

ABS-CBN maintained that there was no ransom paid for the release of its news crew. Coming from the same people who couldn’t find any fault in Meralco’s overcharges, that’s too hard to believe.

Ces Drilon revealed that as they left the young kidnappers’ lair, some of them said, “I love you Loren.” The teenage abductors’ gesture flattered Loren who’s become used to getting “I love yous” from dirty old men.

Ces Drilon says she’ll return to work when her mosquito bites have all cleared up. That shouldn’t be a problem if rumors were true that Loren has offered Ces a month-long supply of Lucida DS.

RANSOM

Abu Sayyaf Wants P15-M null

Abductors of reporter Ces Drilon, her cameraman, and a university professor are demanding 15 million pesos for their freedom. But Drilon’s employer – the Lopezes refuse to pay the ransom. They’ll just fight the abductors through a series of full-page newspaper ads.

null Indanan, Sulu Mayor Alvarez Isnaji was reportedly handpicked by the al-Qaeda-linked Abu Sayyaf to negotiate with the families of the kidnap victims. Isnaji is flattered. He wasn’t trusted that much when he was still with the Abus.

Mayor Alvarez Isnaji said he was able to talk to Ces Drilon who told him about the 15 million peso-ransom demand. Isnaji said Ces sounded very sad… mainly because she’s been in captivity for more than a week now and her stock of mascara is running out fast.

Mayor Isnaji told reporters that Ces Drilon appealed for her release saying she’s been feeling homesick already. Asked by Isnaji what she missed the most, Ces allegedly replied, “Rustan’s.”

This Just In! A new infomercial featuring Judy Ann Santos will be aired soon. The script has been leaked and we’re printing it here first! So here goes…

MERALCO REFUND
Radio 30s

MSC: UP AND UNDER

JUDY ANN SANTOS: Ang paniningil ng bills ng Meralco ay parang kidnapping lang.

SFX: OLD CLIPS OF CES DRILON DOING RADIO REPORTS

JUDY ANN SANTOS: Hindi mo namamalayan, inaagaw na pala sa ‘yo

SFX: CES’ FAMILY APPEALING FOR HER RELEASE

JUDY ANN SANTOS: Pero ang pagbabalik sa labis na singil, hindi dapat minamadali. May negosasyong kailangang gawin. May guidelines na dapat sundin.

SFX: SIREN UP AND UNDER

JUDY ANN SANTOS: Pero ‘wag kang mainip. Darating din ang rescue.

SFX: MORTAR, MACHINE GUNS

JUDY ANN SANTOS: ‘Yun nga lang. ‘Di mo sure kung buhay ka pa pagdating ng refund.

MSC: MERALCO THEME… MAY LIWANAG ANG BUHAY

Parasites

The Department of Health says 5 of 10 schoolchildren have intestinal worms. But that’s nothing compared to persistent rumors that 245 in 250 Batasang Pambansa offices have crocodiles.