P*T@N& !N@: RANTS AND REGRETS

“Wala akong pakialam sa kanya! Sipain ko pa ‘yan sa harap n’yo eh!”

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“You just don’t throw question and statements. Putang ina, mumurahin kita sa forum na ‘yan!”
~President Duterte

IN HIS TRADEMARK gutter language, President Duterte said he would not allow US President Barack Obama to lecture him on extrajudicial killings when they meet in Laos for the Asean Summit. Duterte advised the US leader, “You must be respectful.” To which, Obama said, “You first.”

Lashing out at US President Barack Obama, acid-tongued Rodrigo Duterte said, “Wala akong pakialam sa kanya! Sipain ko pa ‘yan sa harap n’yo eh!” His Cabinet applauded. His rabid supporters wildly cheered. And Russian President Vladimir Putin texted, “How to be you po?”

Duterte cursing at Obama was hardly surprising. For decades now, Duterte has been under a state of tastelessness.

Top 5 Reactions of Duterte Allies to His Attacks on Obama

No. 5: Alan Peter Cayetano: Nagmura rin noon si Mar Roxas. ‘Wag nating kalimutan ‘yon.

No. 4: Salvador Panelo: May legal basis ang pagmumura ni Pangulong Duterte kay Obama.

No. 3: DFA Sec. Perfecto Yasay Jr.: Kasalanan ng media ‘yan eh. Alam nilang pagod na pagod ang Pangulo tapos gagatungan pa ng mga tanong kay Obama. Sila ang dapat sisihin!

No. 2: Peter Tiu Laviña:

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And the No. 1 typical reaction of a Duterte ally to his attack on Obama…

Mocha Uson: Nakakaiyak talaga ang katapangan ng ating minamahal na presidente. Kagalang-galang na pangulo, nasa likod mo lang po kami. Alam naming para sa kapakanan ng mga anak mo – ang sambayanang Pilipino – ang ginagawa mong pagmumura sa Papa, sa pinuno ng UN at ngayon naman, kay Obama. Mabuhay po kayo Tatay Digong. #MuraPaMore #SigeLang #CheerLangKami #MahalKaNaminTatayDigong

Canceled
Following Duterte’s insults, US President Barack Obama has decided to cancel his bilateral talks with the President in Vientiane, Laos where the Asean Summit is being held. Duterte diehards are now accusing Obama of being a bitter ‘dilawan’ who cannot move on.

Regrets
Hours after Washington DC announced the cancelation of the bilateral meeting between Obama and Duterte, presidential spokesperson Ernesto Abella read an official statement in which the President expressed regret that his profane remark “came across as a personal attack on the US President.” Abella drafted the statement this morning and saved it on his laptop using the file name, “Washington DC: Damage Control.”

Duterte’s Official Statement
(If Duterte was being truthful)

“The meeting between the United States and the Philippines has been mutually agreed upon to be moved to a later date.”
‘Tang inang Obama ‘yan. Ako pa ang tinakot mo. Eh ‘di i-move!

“While the immediate cause was my strong comments to certain press questions that elicited concern and distress, we also regret that it came across as a personal attack on the US President.”
“Pinalaki lang ‘yan ng punyetang media! Bakit?! Sinabi ko bang ‘Putang ina mo Obama?’ Ang sabi ko lang. “Putang ina! Mumurahin kita sa forum na ‘yan!” Napakalaking pagkakaiba nun. ‘Tang ina. Tapos ako ang sisisihin n’yo. Tang ina! Take note… ang sabi ko lang, ‘Tang ina’ huh! ‘Di ko sinabing “‘Tang ina n’yo!” Baka ma-misinterpret n’yo na naman ‘yan. ‘Tang ina!

“Our primary intention is to chart an independent foreign policy while promoting closer ties with all nations, especially the US with which we have had a longstanding partnership.”
‘Tang ina, hindi lang US ang bansa sa mundo. Ulol! Akala n’yo natatakot akong mawalan ng kakampi. Yawa!

“We look forward to ironing out differences arising out of national priorities and perceptions, and working in mutually responsible ways for both countries.”
‘Tang ina. Kung ‘di lang ako nahihiya sa mga adviser ko, hindi ko ilalabas ang statement na ito. Oo, inaamin ko, pinilit lang ako ng mga punyetang ‘yon. Pastilan! Pisti!

Culprit
The Communist Party of the Philippines (CPP), in a statement, has blamed the United States for last week’s Davao City bombing. The statement was released to the media last Sunday although the original draft was written in the ‘70s.
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“Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.”
~Isaac Newton

Sound Bites
“An independent foreign policy need not result in the disturbance of friendly relations with our traditional allies. To achieve this, tact, not firebrand rhetoric, is key.”
~Party-list Rep. Harry Roque reacting to President Duterte’s attack on Obama and the US

“If I have to face them, you know I can eat humans. I will really open up your body. Just give me vinegar and salt, and I will eat you. That’s true. If you annoy me to the fullest… I will eat you alive. Raw.”
~President Duterte’s warning to the Abu Sayyaf Group

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: GMA News Online; I Love Quotes]

WELCOME!


THE GOOD NEWS is the world’s 7 billionth baby was born on October 31. The bad news is the person who did the head count died of exhaustion this morning.

The United Nations announced the birth of the world’s 7 billionth baby. Mar Roxas wants a recount.

A Filipina became the mother of the world’s symbolic 7 billionth baby yesterday. Today, Sen. Tito Sotto demanded to see the baby’s birth certificate.

Yahoo! News reported that the United Nations marked October 31 with a series of symbolic 7-billionth babies being born. Baby Danica May Camacho of the Philippines was the first. Take that China!


As I correctly predicted last October 17, the world’s (symbolic) 7 billionth baby will be born in Manila’s Fabella Memorial Hospital. What I failed to predict though was that the event will be sponsored by Goldilocks.

Baby Danica May Camacho was welcomed with a chocolate cake from the United Nations. What an unhealthy start!

Several symbolic 7 billionth babies were welcomed by mothers of different nationalities. Surprisingly, not one of those moms was Nadya Suleman.

This just in: World population will have to remain at 7 billion until experts have decided who the real 7 billionth human is!

Undas 2011
As of 3PM, Tuesday, police put the crowd estimate at the Manila North Cemetery at 1 million 100 thousand (1.1M). So far, everbody has been cooperative to authorities… except for the one million one hundred thousandth person who is demanding a chocolate cake from UN.

At 54 hectares, the Manila North Cemetery is one of the country’s biggest cemeteries. To give you an idea of how huge it is, one side is controlled by the Manila police; the opposite side is controlled by the MILF.

The Philippine National Police says the observance of Undas 2011 is “generally peaceful.” The PNP’s assessment of the peace and order situation this year is generally rehash.

Donations
A week after Malacañang admitted donating 5 million pesos to the MILF, palace officials confirmed reports that the government plans to donate some P31 million in livelihood assistance to the Alex Boncayao Brigade, a breakaway Communist group. Being enemies of the state has never been this rewarding. So if you want to rebel against the government, now is the time.

Abu Sayyaf
Despite the All Saints Day break, the military says it will not stop its offensive against the Abu Sayyaf Group until the terrorists are eliminated. Unfazed, the Abu Sayyaf Group says it will not stop its offensive against the military until it receives donation from Malacañang.

Reports say Malaysian Jemaah Islamiyah leader Zulkipli bin Hir alias Marwan, could have been killed in an airstrike in Indanan, Sulu last Sunday. But the military is still verifying the report, or as Sen. Tito Sotto would say, “Death certificate muna.”

The Ligots
The National Bureau of Investigation failed to locate former military comptroller Jacinto Ligot & wife, Erlinda. But NASA believes the couple landed somewhere in the Pacific.

Former AFP comptroller Jacinto Ligot & wife, Erlinda couldn’t be located by the NBI. Apparently, they haven’t checked Marlene Aguilar’s basement.

(Breaking News: The Ligots surfaced Wednesday at the Court of Tax Appeal.)

Charice’ Dad
Charice Pempengco’s father Ricky Pempengco was stabbed to death in San Pedro, Laguna Monday night. The international singing sensation and her mother Raquel are seeking all-out justice while Ricky Pempengco’s relatives have declared an all-out war against them.

Kim & Kris
After only 72 days, reality TV star Kim Kardashian is filing for divorce from her NBA husband, Kris Humphries. Kim made the decision after she discovered that Kris withdrew 5 million from their joint account.
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“Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.”
~ Sam Levenson


Quotes of the Week
“Hindi kami makapaniwala na may kinalaman nga siya, hangga’t hindi napapatunayan, beyond reasonable doubt, na ginawa nga niya ang ibinibintang sa kanya. Hindi pa man naililibing ang isa, isinasangkot naman ang isa pa. Gayunpaman, kung sinuman ang tunay na may kagagawan nito, kahit sino pa siya, dapat siyang managot.”
~Sen. Bong Revilla after the arrest of Ramon Joseph Bautista (Revilla) who was being tagged as the mastermind in the killing of his older brother Ram Revilla last Friday

“They may want to pay their respects to their dead. It is, after all, a tradition…”
~ NBI deputy director for intelligence serviceS, Atty. Ruel Lasala on the Ligots’ failure to surface despite the pending arrest warrants

You Have Spoken
Sa isyu ng 5 milyong pisong “donasyon” ng pamahalaang Aquino sa MILF:
-Pinapa-account naman ng administrasyon kung saan ginastos eh. Malay n’yo sa napag-usapang proyekto naman napunta! 8.67%
-Kalaban ng gobyerno, pinopondohan ng gobyerno ang proyekto? Astig huh! 82.08%
-Aalamin ko muna ang isyu. 9.25%

Have a great week! Merry Christmas!

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A YEAR AGO


Today is May 10, 2011. Exactly a year ago, the Philippines held its first ever automated elections. Everything has been on the upswing after that: the level of optimism, the flagdown rate for taxicabs, the fare for jeeps, the cost of fuel, the prices of basic commodities, and President Aquino’s net worth.


Anniversary
Today is the anniversary of the historic first-ever automated elections in the Philippines… or as Manny Villar, Mar Roxas, Loren Legarda, and Joseph Estrada would probably say, “babang-luksa.”

Today marks the first anniversary of the May 10, 2010 automated elections. It’s been a year… and Mar Roxas has yet to concede.

Remember the May 10, 2010 elections? It happened exactly a year ago. Remember the candidate you voted for president who promised he’d make your life easier? Me neither.

Mar’s Return
Reports say defeated vice presidential candidate Mar Roxas will be appointed to a Cabinet position similar to a presidential chief of staff… or as members of the Balay Group would say but couldn’t, “Executive Secretary-in-waiting.”

Presidential spokesman Edwin Lacierda admits he doesn’t know yet the exact job description of Mar Roxas. Among other things.

Apparently, Malacañang will be creating a new post to accommodate former Senator Mar Roxas… one year after he applied for the vacant post of vice president, and the electorate said, “We’ll just call you.”

Top 5 Rejected Job Descriptions of ex-Senator Mar Roxas

No. 5: Presidential Adviser on Heart-Related Matters

No. 4: Executive Secretary II: Weekends Only

No. 3: Chief Presidential BFF

No. 2: Vice President for Balay Concerns

And the No. 1 rejected job description of ex-Senator Mar Roxas…

First Lady

LRT/MRT Fare
The government deferred the proposed increase in train fares. Transportation Secretary Jose de Jesus said the timing was not good for a fare hike. Prices of basic commodities are rising and the President’s approval rating is plummeting.

Salceda Mad
President Aquino’s ally and former Arroyo economic adviser, Albay Governor Joey Salceda is blaming PAGASA for faulty weather forecast. Apparently, Salceda’s complaint has yet to reach President Aquino. Otherwise, PAGASA Acting Administrator Nathaniel Servando would be looking for a job in Australia right now.

Abu Members Caught
Two members of the Abu Sayyaf terror group have been arrested in Metro Manila. And President Aquino was like, “When is the SWS’ next survey?

One of the arrested members of the Abu Sayyaf Group was actually working as a security guard for the posh, multimillion-peso Pacific Tower Plaza… located at Abbottabad, Taguig City.

Another wanted member of the Abu Sayyaf Group was caught while on a date at Robinson’s Place in Ermita, Manila. The suspect’s date was his girlfriend No. 8.

Public Service
Are you looking for a job? Search no further. Al-Qaeda has just announced a vacancy.
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“Leadership is action, not position.”
~Donald H. McGannon

You Have Spoken
Manny Pacquiao: “I will wear yellow gloves as a symbol of unity, unity against poverty.” Your take:
– Mabuhay ka! Kasama mo ako sa labang ‘yan. 19.67%
What the hell are you talking about? How? 67.54%
– No comment. 12.79%

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Enjoy the rest of the week! Still, Lakers.

PRESSED RELEASE

red_cross_mary Hostage Freed
The government says there was no ransom paid to the Abu Sayyaf Group for the release of International Committee of the Red Cross (ICRC) volunteer Mary Jean Lacaba. Did you know what the terrorists sought instead? Blood donation for their wounded members.

gordon_cry In a phone-patched interview over a TV newscast minutes after Lacaba’s release, Philippine National Red Cross chairman Sen. Richard Gordon said he wanted to cry… but decided to “control” it when he realized he was just on the phone, not on camera.

ICRC volunteer Mary Jean Lacaba was held hostage by terrorists for 77 days. If she were an ABS-CBN reporter, Abu Sayyaf bandits would have been counting millions of pesos by Day 9.

ladyann2 By now you must be all familiar with Sulu Vice Governor Lady Ann Sahidulla – the mediator for the government who facilitated the release of Lacaba. Here’s the strange thing. Ms Vice Governor has access to the Abu Sayyaf lair. She’s been in and out of their hideout. She mingles with them. She talks to them. She negotiates with them. And she does it with so much ease. Is she an “honorary member?”

The Abu Sayyaf terrorists still holding two foreign hostages threatened on Friday night to execute their remaining captives. Infuriated, DILG Sec. Ronaldo Puno warned the bandits that if they execute the hostages, the military would execute the Vice Governor.

ladyann Sulu Vice Governor Lady Ann Sahidulla is in the news again following the release of Mary Jean Lacaba. She’s been in the news before, when Ces Drilon and her crew were kidnapped… which makes me wonder: does Sulu province even have a governor?

Just a random thought: if the First Gentleman would be doing what Sahidullah does, would he settle for a mere five percent?

Travel Advisory
Canada is advising its citizens to avoid traveling to Mindanao. The Department of Foreign Affairs understood but subtly protested the advisory saying the Philippines is a perfectly safe place for foreign nationals… unless of course, your name is Chip Tsao.

arasison Murder Charges vs. Ka Joma
I’m sure you’ve heard the news. Dutch prosecutors have dropped the criminal charges filed against CPP-NPA founder Jose Maria Sison in connection with the murder of his two former comrades turned critics Romulo Kintanar and Arturo Tabara. Dutch prosecutors decided to junk the charges because the murder weapon was never found – a remote control.

angsee Kidnapping Cases
Anti-crime advocate Teresita Ang-See has noted a rise in kidnapping cases as the 2010 election nears, to which the Sulu Vice Governor said, “Eh ba’t nakatingin ka sa ‘kin!”

bar_topnotch Bar Exam Results
San Sebastian Law School’s Judy Lardizabal who obtained her bachelor’s degree in social work from the University of the Philippines topped the 2008 Bar Exams in which five Ateneo law graduates finished in the top 10. When a La Sallista heard this he said, “Sus! Lahat ng mga ‘yan dumaan sa La Salle! Sa’n ba ang venue ng bar exam, ‘di ba sa ‘min?!”

Briefly Noted
Have you seen Mar Roxas’ latest TV commercial where he was shown driving a pedicab? Oh I admire politicians. They never run of out of creative ways to redefine “kaplastikan.”

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“RANSOM, n. The purchase of that which neither belongs to the seller, nor can belong to the buyer. The most unprofitable of investments.”
~ Ambrose Bierce