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MEANWHILE, IN HELL…

30 11 2016

1imelda-femc
SATAN IS FURIOUS. Nawawala kasi ang wallet niyang puno ng pera. Sumigaw:

Marcoooos! Hindi ka na ba talaga magbabago?!?

Day 1. Hell. Attendance.
SATAN: Welcome to hell. Pangalan…

MARCOS: Ferdinand E. Marcos

SATAN: Kasalanan…

MARCOS: Naging pangulo ako ng Pilipinas.

SATAN: Hindi ‘yan kasalanan. ‘Wag na tayong magpaliguy-ligoy pa.

MARCOS: Wala akong matandaan.

SATAN: Pagtortyur, pagpatay, pagsisinungaling, pangangaliwa, pang-aabuso, pagnanakaw… admit it! You’re guilty!

MARCOS: Huh? Unang-una, ‘yong guilt, paano ko ia-admit eh ang liit-liit ko nun.

SATAN:

MARCOS:

SATAN: ‘Dagdag mo pa ang plagiarism, gago!

Unafraid
SATAN: Welcome to hell!

MARCOS: Hello! ‘Musta?

SATAN: ‘Di ka natatakot sa akin?

MARCOS: Hindi.

SATAN: HINDI KA NATATAKOT SA AKIN?!?

MARCOS: Hindi nga!

SATAN: Bakit ‘di ka natatakot eh ako si Satanas.

MARCOS: Exactly. Satanas ang pangalan mo, hindi Imelda. Bakit ako matatakot?

Homesick
SATAN: O, ba’t parang ang lungkot mo d’yan?

MARCOS: Walang gustong makipag-usap sa akin eh.

SATAN: ‘Wag kang mag-alala. Bibigyan kita ng kausap. You have a lot of things in common. Magkakasundo kayo.

A minute later:
CNN Breaking News: Cuban leader Fidel Castro dead at 90

marcos
Phone Rates in Hell
MARCOS: Pwede bang makitawag?

SATAN: May bayad!

MARCOS: Magkano ba? Tatawagan ko lang si Cory, hihingi ako ng tawad.

SATAN: 100 pesos per minute.

Marcos dials Cory’s number. He pays Satan 300 pesos.
A minute later…

MARCOS: Puwedeng pagamit ulit ng phone? Tatawagan ko lang ang human rights victims noong Martial Law.

SATAN: 100 pesos per minute.

Marcos phones the human rights victims. He pays Satan 300 pesos.
Seconds later…

MARCOS: Last na. Patawag ulit. Kailangang-kailangan ko lang makausap si Imelda, si Bongbong, at si Imee, my family.

SATAN: 3 pesos per minute.

MARCOS: Huh? Ba’t kanina 100 pesos tapos ngayon 3 pesos per minute lang?

SATAN: ‘Yong kay Cory at sa human rights victims, long distance ‘yon. ‘Yong sa asawa at mga anak mo, local call lang ‘yon. Within the area lang sila.

The Deal
MARCOS: Sobrang init naman dito sa kuwarto ko. Pwede bang lumipat sa may aircon?

SATAN: Pwede naman pero may kapalit.

MARCOS: Ano ‘yon?

SATAN: Kukunin ko ang kaluluwa ni Imelda, ni Bongbong at ni Imee.

MARCOS: Ganun?!?

SATAN: So, ayaw mo?

MARCOS: May sinabi ba akong ayaw? Deal!

Satan allows Marcos to transfer to an air-conditioned room.
Minutes later.

SATAN: Bumalik ka na sa dati mong kuwarto!

MARCOS: Bakit?!? May deal tayo ‘di ba?

SATAN: Manloloko! Wala silang kaluluwa!

In Other News…
An improvised explosive device was found near the US Embassy along Roxas Boulevard the other day. Authorities detonated the home-made bomb — successfully completing Day 1 of the martial law dryrun.

PNP Chief Ronald De La Rosa says the home-made bomb could have been planted by the Maute Group, an Islamic rebel group that has pledged allegiance to ISIS. De La Rosa refuses to make conclusions though since he has also received reports Leila De Lima was spotted in the area two days ago.

balero-rappler
Congressman Climax
Heavily criticized for asking Ronnie Dayan questions like, “Mahilig ka ba sa sili?” and “Kailan kayo nag-climax?” during last week’s Lower House hearing, 1-Ang Edukasyon party-list representative Salvador Belaro Jr. blamed the media for what he called “selective reporting.” Apparently, the media failed to report that Balero also asked other questions such as: “Mahilig ba si De Lima sa lollipop?” “Nakailang putok ba ang kanyon?” and “Kinain mo ba ang tilapia?”

According to party-list representative Salvador Belaro Jr., his questions were necessary to establish “power relations between De Lima and Dayan.” In fact, his questions were so relevant, he compiled them into a booklet called, “A Guide to Insulting People’s Intelligence.”

1-Ang Edukasyon party-list representative Salvador Belaro Jr., who has earned the monicker ‘Congressman Climax,’ denied rumors his party-list group’s name has been changed to 1-Ang Maledukasyon.
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“The secret of freedom lies in educating people, whereas the secret of tyranny is in keeping them ignorant.”
~Maximilien Robespierre

Sound Bites
“I will include you because you are the reason why their numbers swell.”
~President Duterte threatening to kill human rights activists who criticize him for extrajudicial killings

“At this moment in our history, every voice counts and I wish to place mine on the side of history: not the history that the Duterte [administration] ignores, but the history that beckons our people to demand justice that even the highest court of the land will not bestow.”
~Maria Serena Diokno, Resigned chair, National Historical Commission of the Philippines

Make a stand. #MarcosNOTaHero

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Marcos Burial 1: FEMC; Marcos Burial2: Philippine Army; Salvador Belaro Jr: Rappler]

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