LAGLAGAN NA!

23 04 2016

1d30
Duterte and Endorsements
Duterte: O, inendorso raw ako ni Pope Francis.

Supporter: Joke lang ‘yon sir. Kami lang ang nagpakalat n’yan.

Duterte: O, inendorso raw ako nina Liza Soberano at Andi Eigenmann.

Supporter: Sorry sir, joke lang. Kami lang din ang nagpakalat n’yan.

Duterte: Eh ‘yong Singapore government, inendorso rin daw ako.

Supporter: Pati ‘yan sir, joke lang.

Duterte: Put*ng-ina! Puro kayo joke, joke, joke! Saan n’yo na ba natutunan ‘yan?!?

Supporter:

Duterte: Tangnamu! Alam ko ang iniisip mo! Gago!

Duterte and Diplomacy
Supporter: Sir, nagalit ang Australia sa rape joke n’yo!

Duterte: Pwes, puputulin ko ang ugnayan sa Australia!

Supporter: Sir, nagalit din ang USA sa rape joke n’yo!

Duterte: Puputulin ko ang ugnayan sa Amerika!

Supporter: Sir, nagalit ang mga kababaihan sa rape joke n’yo!

Duterte: Puputulin ko ang ugnayan sa mga babae!

Supporter:

Duterte: Joooooke! Babae ‘yan ‘no! Sayang. Dapat mauna ang mayor.

Psych Tests
VP Binay: Siraulo ka! ‘Yan ang laman ng psychological test mo!!!!!!

Duterte: Itinanggi ko ba? Gago. Pag ikaw ang nag-psych test, makikita dun, magnanakaw ka.

VP Binay: Tanga. Hindi makikita dun kung magnanakaw ako.

Duterte: Eh saan?

VP Binay: Sa dummy bank accounts.

Duterte:

VP Binay: Jooooke! Akala mo ikaw lang ang marunong mag-joke? Wala akong dummy accounts ‘no! At lalong hindi ako nagnakaw!

1kriss
Kris Aquino and the Chopper
Reporter: Sir, binabatikos si Kris ngayon dahil sa pagsakay sa presidential chopper patungo sa kampanya ng LP. Pag-abuso daw ‘yun sa government resources.

President Aquino: Well, isa siya sa may pinakamalaking binayarang buwis sa government.

Reporter: ‘Yan talaga Sir ang reply n’yo? Na malaki ang binabayaran n’yang buwis kaya ok lang? Anong lohika ‘yan? Bakit ganyan kayo mag-isip? Sino bang adviser n’yo? Lagi na lang bang ganyan ang klase ng inyong pangangatwiran? Ano bang uri ng lider kayo?

President Aquino:

Reporter: Noted Sir.

Kris Aquino and the Chopper II
Kris: I hate them na. They’re saying we’re making abuso the resources of government.

President Aquino: ‘Wag mo na lang kasing pansinin.

Kris: But they’re right naman ‘di ba? Part ng government resources ang chopper.

President Aquino:

Kris: Fine. I’ll ignore them na lang!

Kris Aquino and the Chopper III
Kris: Grabehhh. They’re making batikos me na. Ayaw akong tigilan. Hurt ako. Defend me naman o!

President Aquino: Ayaw mo ba no’n? Nasa ‘yo ang atensyon ng tao.

Kris:

President Aquino: Heto na nga, magsasalita na!

Kris Aquino and the Chopper IV
Bongbong Marcos: Maling gamitin ang resources ng gobyerno katulad ng presidential chopper sa pansariling interes.

Kris: Nakakaloka! Of all people, ikaw pa talaga?! IKAW PA TALAGA?!

Bongbong: But it’s true.

Kris: Eh anong tawag sa ginawa ng pamilya mo sa resources ng gobyerno noong term ng ama mo?

Bongbong: Those were government resources, yes. Pero back then, we practically owned everything in the Philippines including the government. So, amin lahat ‘yun.

Kris:

Bongbong: But it’s true!

Laglagan
VP Binay: Totoo bang iiwan mo na ako?

Jonvic Remulla: Gusto ko lang magpahinga muna sa kampanya. I’m tired.

Binay: Ang tsismis, ilalaglag mo na raw ako at lilipat ka sa bago mong idol – si Duterte?

Remulla: Bagong idol? Wala kayong pruweba! Putang-i*a!!!

Binay:

Remulla: Ooops. Buking.

1joey
Laglagan II
Governor Salceda: Mr. President, hindi ko na kayang suportahan si Mar! Lilipat na ako kay Grace Poe!

President Aquino: Eh ‘di lumipat ka! Ganyan ka naman talaga ‘di ba? Kung kailan lugmok ang kapartido, saka ka mang-iiwan! Kung kailan mahina sa survey, saka mo ilalaglag. Ganyang-ganyan din ang ginawa mo kay Gilbert Teodoro noong 2010 ‘di ba?! Matapos mong i-endorso, inabandona mo!

Salceda: Eh sa LP naman ako lumipat noon ‘di ba! Gaga!

President Aquino:

Salceda: Sorry sir. Expression lang ‘yon. It doesn’t mean anything. ‘Wag judgmental.

Laglagan II
Governor Salceda: Mr. President…

President Aquino: I know. Mababa si Mar sa survey at mas may chance manalo si Grace Poe kaya lilipat ka sa kanya. Magre-resign ka sa party. Pero grateful ka pa rin sa pagkakataong ibinigay ko sa ‘yo na maglingkod sa pamahalaan bilang member ng LP. At kahit ano pang mangyari, hinding-hindi maaapektuhan ng pulitika ang ating pagkakaibigan.

Salceda: Alam mo na pala eh! Eh ‘di sige, ikaw na! Tapusin mo na! Go! Ikaw na rin ang mag-resign sa partido at ikaw na rin ang lumipat kay Grace Poe! Go ahead! GOOOO!

President Aquino:

Salceda: ‘Wag kasing ganun Sir. Hate ko ‘yong pini-preempt ako eh.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
“You have to quit confusing a madness with a mission.”
~Flannery O’Connor, The Violent Bear it Away

Sound Bites
“Iyong isa doon, classmate ko pa. Eh na-stroke, paganoon-ganoon (mimics). Gusto ko sabihin, ‘Pakamatay ka na lang.’”
~Mayor Duterte on a disabled classmate

“Hindi ko rin nakita kung ano ‘yung pinuna nila. Tanong ko lang: siguro batid naman ng lahat na isa siya sa pinakamalaking individual taxpayer.”
~President Aquino on criticisms being hurled at Kris Aquino

“The bottomline, ‘pag nand’yan sa internet, nandyan na ‘yan forever o kung may nag-download, at marami nang nag-download malamang, kalat na ‘yan sa internet. There’s no way you can put the (proverbial) toothpaste back into the tube.”
~Engr. Pierre Galla, Democracy.net.ph. on the Comelec voters’ data leak

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte: Philstar.com; Kris Aquino: Municipality of Dalaguete; Joey Salceda: Inquirer.net]





JOKE OF THE DAY

18 04 2016

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________________________________________________________________________________________________
“Flirting with madness was one thing; when madness started flirting back, it was time to call the whole thing off.”
~Rohinton Mistry, A Fine Balance

Sound Bites: Mayor Duterte
“I don’t care kung ma-disqualify ako. Kapag na-disqualify ako, I will campaign for Binay.

“They say my timeline is ambitious. Kung hindi ko magawa ‘yan sa tatlong buwan eh ‘di ibigay ko na lang kay Bongbong Marcos ang presidency.”

“Ni-rape nila lahat ng mga babae so ‘yung unang asolte, kasi nag-retreat sila, naiwan ‘yung ginawa nilang cover, ang isa doon ‘yung lay minister na Australyana. Tsk, problema na ito. Paglabas, eh ‘di binalot. Tiningnan ko ‘yung mukha, ‘tang-ina parang artista sa Amerika na maganda. Putang-ina, sayang ito. (Crowd erupts in laughter) Ang nagpasok sa isip ko, ni-rape nila, pinagpilahan nila doon. Nagalit ako kasi ni-rape, oo isa rin ‘yun. Pero napakaganda, dapat ang mayor muna ang mauna. Sayang.” (Crowd cheered)

Ladies and gentlemen, your president.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo: Duterte: Inquirer.net]





QUOTE IN THE ACT

14 04 2016

HOW updated are you? Time for yet another current events quiz.

1cnn
1: Before he changed his answer to “No,” YES ang unang naging sagot ni Bongbong Marcos sa tanong na ito during the recent vice presidential debate:
A: Naniniwala ka bang kapatid mo si Grace Poe?
B: Ilusyon lang ba ang human rights abuses at kurapsyon noong Martial Law?
C: Nasangkot ka na ba sa anumang uri ng katiwalian?
D: Mauwi kaya sa totohanan ang ligawang Alden at Yaya Dub?

2: Kumpletuhin ang patutsada ni Mayor Duterte kay Mar Roxas sa isang ambush interview: “Subukan mo ako. Maghawak ka ng _________ sa harap ko, pasabugin ko sa ulo mo.”
A: bayot
B: baril
C: bayag
D: shabu

3: Gamit na gamit ng mga kandidato sa kanilang political ads at campaign speeches ang four Ps. Anu-ano ba ang four Ps na ‘yan?
A: Pantawid Pamilyang Pilipino Program
B: Pagkain, Puhunan, Pagmamahal, Pamasahe
C: Pagpatay, Pananakot, Pangha-harass, Put*ng-ina
D: Pagnanakaw, Pananamantala, Paghahari-harian, Pambabalewala

4: Sa nakaraan pa ring vice presidential debate, nagsasalita pa si Alan Peter Cayetano nang biglang sumingit si Bongbong Marcos. Ano ang naging reaksyon ni Cayetano?
A: “Oras ko ‘to. Maghintay ka sa oras mo. Palibhasa, sanay kang lumalabag sa rules.”
B: “Wala namang bastusan. ‘Kita mo namang nagsasalita pa ako, umeepal ka na.”
C: “Can I have my one minute now o pati ‘yon nanakawin mo pa rin?”
D: “Nagmamadali ka ba? May naghihintay na taxi sa labas?”

5: Nang tanungin tungkol sa isyu ng anti-political dynasty bill, ito ang unang lumabas sa bibig ni Gringo Honasan during the vice presidential debate:
A: “Hindi ako sang-ayon sa bill na ‘yan. Taumbayan ang dapat magpasya.”
B: “Hindi pa natin alam ang depinisyon ng dynasty.”
C: “Porke may limang Binay sa pulitika, dynasty na? Unfair naman. Hintayin nating umabot sa 12.”
D: “Hindi kasalanan ng mga tao na isilang silang iisa ang apelyido.”

6: Nang ungkatin ang isyu ng ill-gotten wealth ng mga Marcos at ang posibilidad na pagbabalik nito sa gobyerno, ano ang sinabi ni Bongbong Marcos?
A: “I cannot give what I do not have.”
B: “Wala kaming ninakaw ni singko. Ang ‘di maniwala, mamamatay mamayang 8:35.”
C: “Naka-time deposit lahat ‘yon sa Switzerland at hindi sa akin nakapangalan. Wala akong power i-open ang accounts.”
D: “Kaya nga namin ninakaw para  pakinabangan. Bakit namin ibabalik? Ano kami, tanga?

7: Ayon kay Vice President Binay, berdugo raw si Mayor Duterte. Sumagot si Digong, “Ikaw Binay, may kaso ka, corruption. Billion. Hindi lang ikaw, pati asawa mo, pati anak mo. Mabuti pa si Imelda o Ferdinand, conjugal. Dalawa lang. Eh kayo, ____________.”
A: Family affair
B: Angkan ng kadiliman
C: Cash of clan
D: Basketball team

8: Sabi ni Kit Tatad, nagkaroon ng secret meeting sina Pangulong Aquino at Grace Poe sa Malacañang noong March 8. Ano ang reaksyon ni presidential spokesman Edwin Lacierda sa rebelasyon ni Kit Tatad?
A: “I wish Kit Tatad a long career in fiction writing.”
B: “Kit Tatad who?”
C: “Ipis, daga at lamok na lang ang naniniwala sa taong tulad ni Kit Tatad.”
D: “Imbey!”

9: Sa panayam ng GMA News sa senatorial candidate na si Atty. Larry Gadon, ano ang ibinunyag nitong solusyon sakaling hindi madaan sa matinding pakiusapan ang mga rebeldeng Muslim sa Mindanao?
A: “Isasama ko ang Davao Death Squad ni Mayor Duterte dahil ‘yon lang naman ang kinatatakutan nila eh.”
B: “Lulusubin ko sila at papatayin ko silang lahat. Susunugin ko ang mga bahay nila. Papatayin ko pati mga ipis at daga. Kailangang burahin ang lahi nila!”
C: “Sabik sa mga artista ‘yang mga ‘yan. Dadalhin ko doon ang AlDub, KathNiel, LizQuen, at JaDine para mag-show.”
D: “Bubuhusan ko sila ng truck-truck na karne at dugo ng baboy hanggang sa malunod silang lahat.”

10: Still on the vice presidential debate, huling-huli ng camera ang lalaking ito habang sumisigaw ng “Booo!” kay Antonio Trillanes. Sino siya?

1Binay
A: Nasaan?
B: Anong suot?
C: Joke ba ‘to?
D: Clue.
————————————————————————————————————————————-
“We’d all like to vote for the best man, but he’s never a candidate.”
~Kin Hubbard

Sound Bites
“I am excited to win. Not for myself but for my countrymen. Sa aming anim, may the best woman win.”
~Leni Robredo, Closing statement, vice presidential debate

Answers:
1: C

2: D

3: A

4: C

5: B

6: A

7: D

8: A

9: B

10: All of the above

Scores:
9-10: Aware ka sa nangyayari sa kapaligiran mo. May pakialam ka. Dahil d’yan, positibo ang mangyayari sa love life mo sa mga susunod na araw.

7-8: Pwede na. Konting basa pa.

5-6: Ang lakas ng tsamba.

Below 5: What sorcery is this? Where have you been? Magpapayat ka nga.

Vote wisely. No to thieves!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





BLACKOUT, BAYOT, BORGY ATBP. KWENTO

7 04 2016

1NAIA
#NAIABlackout
President Aquino: O Jun, ano na namang kapalpakan ‘to?

Secretary Abaya: Mr. President, nag-black out eh. ‘Tapos drained pala ang battery ng standby generator sa NAIA kaya five hours walang kuryente.

President Aquino: FIVE HOURS?!?

Abaya: To be fair Mr. President, hindi naman fatal.

President Aquino: At buhay naman lahat sila ‘di ba? Good.

#NAIABlackout II
Abaya: Mr. President, tama ang iyong narinig: limang oras ang blackout sa NAIA.

President Aquino: Ano ba naman ‘yan, Jun?! Lagi na lang bang may ganyang kapalpakan?

Abaya: Mr. President, I have failed you and our people again. I am now ready to resign.

President Aquino: Kahanga-hanga ka talaga Jun!

Abaya: But since two months na lang tayo sa puwesto,  pag-aralan mo munang mabuti kung tatanggapin mo ang resignation ko o hihintayin na lang nating matapos ang iyong termino.

President Aquino:

Abaya: Suggestion lang!

#NAIABlackout III
President Aquino: LIMANG ORAS na blackout?! Wala bang warning o notice man lang? Wala bang generator? Wala bang nagawa para maiwasan ang kapalpakang ito?!? Lagi na lang ganyan! Paulit-ulit na lang!

Abaya: BAKIT?!? AKO BA ANG NAG-CAUSE NG BLACKOUT?! GUSTO KO BA ANG NANGYARI?!? FAULT KO BA KUNG DRAINED ANG BATTERIES NG PUNYETANG MGA GENERATOR NA ‘YON?!? AKO BA ANG MANILA INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT AUTHORITY GENERAL MANAGER?! SAWANG-SAWA NA AKO SA MGA BATIKOS!

President Aquino:

Abaya: Sorry sir. Sobrang init kasi sa labas. Nahawa ako. ‘Sensya naman.

1candidates#Komiks
Roxas: May komiks ako.

Marcos: May komiks din ako.

Roxas: Hero ako noong Yolanda sa komiks ko.

Marcos: Superhero ako ng Pilipinas sa komiks ko.

Roxas: Hindi nagnakaw sa gobyerno ang aking pamilya.

Marcos: Ba’t naman napunta dun ang usapan? Balik tayo sa komiks.

#SCDecisionLeak
Poe: Nag-leak na ang Supreme Court decision. Tuloy ang candidacy ko!

Mar: Paano nangyari ‘yon?

Poe: Mabait si Lord.

Binay: Paano kung na-reverse?

Poe: Nag-decide na nga eh. Irrelevant question.

Miriam: Paano kung mali ang leak?

Poe: Reliable ang source namin.

Duterte: Paano kung isang hatinggabing tulog ka eh magkaputukan sa Spratlys?

Poe: Ulol!

#Endorsement
Poe: Ako ang inendorso ni Erap.

Roxas: Ako ang inendorso ng mga Pineda.

Binay: Ako ang inendorso ng mga Ampatuan.

Duterte: Pasensya na. Pero ‘pag ako ang nanalong presidente, patay sa akin ‘yang mga endorsers n’yo!

1panama
#PanamaLeaks
Jinggoy: Basta ako, wala ang pangalan sa #PanamaLeaks na ‘yan. Ewan ko lang sa iba d’yan.

JV Ejercito: Basta ako, walang PLUNDER case. At hindi ako NAKAKULONG! Ewan ko lang sa iba d’yan.

Jinggoy:

JV: O, bakit? Sino ba’ng nauna?

#PanamaLeaks II
Borgy: Ma, the prime minister of Iceland resigned na after ma-expose na meron siyang offshore accounts.

Imee: Borgy, Iceland ‘yan. We’re in the Philippines.

Borgy: But Ma, the perception is we’re a family of thieves and we have offshore accounts.

Imee: That’s not true! We don’t have offshore accounts!

#PacquiaoAttack
(Backgrounder: Manny Pacquiao was verbally attacked by a stranger outside a Japanese restaurant in Las Vegas earlier this week.)
Attacker: Fuck you Pacquiao! Fuck you!

Pacquiao: God bless you.

Attacker: You homophobe!

Pacquiao:

Attacker: YOU HOMOPHOBE!

Pacquiao: Ano ‘yon?

1Kimwong
#BangladeshTheft
Jinggoy: Pare, ibinalik pala ni Kim Wong ‘yong ninakaw ng hackers sa gobyerno ng Bangladesh.

Bong: Nabasa ko nga. At pinuri pa siya online. Pogi points. Gawin din kaya natin ‘yon.

Jinggoy: Gago! Wala tayong ninakaw, remember?

Bong:

Jinggoy: Umayos ka.
————————————————————————————————————————–
“When plunder becomes a way of life for a group of men in a society, over the course of time they create for themselves a legal system that authorizes it and a moral code that glorifies it.”
~Frédéric Bastiat

Sound Bites
“Si Mar, bayot. Hindi niya kaya. Kaya ko kasi lalaki ako. Hindi ka lalaki Mar, paano ‘yan. Takot kang pumatay, takot kang mamatay. Subukan mo ako. Maghawak ka ng shabu sa harap ko, pasabugin ko sa ulo ko. You try holding shabu in my presence. ‘Pag ‘di kita binaril sa ulo, ‘tang-ina mo.”
~Mayor Duterte

“I am but a pawn in a highest-stakes chess games played by giants in international banking and high finance.”
~Maia Santos-Deguito, sacked RCBC branch manager

Elsewhere
The Panama Papers leak, explained with an adorable comic about piggy banks
Para madaling maintindihan, read this illustrated article.

Say no to thieves.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Panama Papers: CommonDreams.Org; NAIA Blackout: GMA News; Candidates: Philstar.com; Kim Wong: ABSCBN News]





SUPERHERO

2 04 2016

FROM 2010 to 2015, Quezon City topped the list of cities with the highest number of index crimes such as theft and robbery. Which is understandable since the House of Representatives is located in QC.

1Kimwong
Returned
Controversial businessman Kim Wong turned over 4.6 million dollars to the Anti-Money Laundering Council for safekeeping. The amount was part of the 81 million dollars stolen by hackers from the Bangladeshi government. Political analysts say, with that behavior, Kim Wong will never make it to either the Senate or Congress.

Returned II
Kim Wong returned the money stolen by hackers from the Bangladeshi government. When asked if they’re willing to do the same, the Marcoses said, “We didn’t connive with hackers.”

1BBMComics
Superhero
Bongbong Marcos got flak for releasing a comic booklet that portrayed members of his family as victims following the popular People Power revolt in 1986. The comic book also depicted Bongbong as a (caped) super-hero whose powers include the ability to erase Martial Law memories from people’s minds.

According to GMA News Research, when the Marcoses left the country in 1986, they brought with them 22 crates of cash valued at 717 million dollars; 300 crates of assorted jewelry; deposit slips (124 million dollars) to banks in Switzerland, the US, and the Cayman Islands, and a lot more! If that’s how Bongbong Marcos defines “victim,” I’m willing to be one.

1JMcdo
Endorsement
Jollibee Foods Corp. has denied reports that its chairman, Tony Tan Caktiong is endorsing Mayor Rodrigo Duterte. In related news, McDonald’s has denied rumors that one of its mascots, Hamburglar is endorsing Vice President Binay.

Endorsement II
Jollibee Foods Corp. released a statement denying Malaya columnist Rey Arcilla’s claim that the popular food chain’s founder and chairman Tony Tan Caktiong, has endorsed the candidacy of Mayor Duterte. In related news, friends of Rey Arcilla have expressed concern for the columnist’s health when they got word that he was “nakuryente.”

Endorsement III
The controversial Pineda family of Pampanga recently endorsed the candidacy of Mar Roxas. When a reporter asked how it felt to have the backing of influential couple Lilia and Bong Pineda, the LP bet said, “Para akong tumama sa jueteng!”

1PaoloRoxas
The Son
Mar Roxas’s son from a previous relationship joined his campaign sortie in Laguna the other day. Twenty-two-year old Paolo Zaldarriaga Roxas who studies at Yale University has been described in news reports as “tall,” “toned,” and “good looking” prompting Mar’s rivals to demand a DNA test.

Tragic
Police opened fire on protesting farmers in North Cotabato Friday killing at least two and leaving dozen others injured. The government was heavily criticized for the violent dispersal. People are angry at the administration. Apparently, the dispersal unit was headed by someone who wanted to see Mar Roxas lose.

The Bout
Senatorial aspirant Manny Pacquiao has a scheduled fight in Las Vegas next week. ‘k.
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“You can believe in whatsoever you like, but the truth remains the truth, no matter how sweet the lie may taste.”
~ Michael Bassey Johnson

Sound Bites
“(Ang) kasinungalingan at katarantaduhang Bongbong (ay) tuloy-tuloy. This is trademark Bongbong already. ‘Yong revisionism ng kasaysayan; ‘yong pagpapalabas na siya ay bida, at ‘yong pagpapalabas na inapi ang kanilang pamilya.”
~Boni Ilagan, Martial Law victim

No to thieves.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Kim Wong/Money: Dax Lucas and GMA News; Mar-Pineda: Inquirer,net; Paolo Roxas: Inquirer.net, @iamcitizenp and @akosimumble]





CIRCUS, COMICS AND OTHER STORIES

28 03 2016

1binay
SAYING “Forgiveness is the message of Holy Week,” UNA’s Toby Tiangco prayed that critics of Vice President Binay would have a “change of heart.” In response, critics of the Vice President prayed that “his supporters and followers would have a change of mind.”

Survey
Sen. Grace Poe topped the Bilang Pilipino-SWS mobile survey conducted two days after the recent presidential debate in Cebu City. Poe got 35 percent followed by Mayor Duterte with 26 percent. For some reason, the survey results were released in the middle of the night and the first thing that the lady senator did when she was informed about it was to wake up.

Offended
Mayor Duterte admits he hates being compared to US presidential hopeful Donald Trump. The outspoken Trump is a bigot and a known womanizer. Duterte insists, “I’m not like him! I’m not a bigot!”

Batman v Superman
Making a killing at the box office right now is the movie ‘Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice.’ To give you an idea about the story, Batman is convinced that Superman has become a threat to humanity. Hence, his attempt to end the Man of Steel’s reign on Earth. The movie’s working title was ‘Roxas vs. Duterte.’

1Roxas
Life Story
Supporters of Mar Roxas have recently  released a comic book chronicling his life as a public servant – including a controversial chapter on the role he played during the onslaught of Typhoon Yolanda in Tacloban City. Critics expect the comic book to top National Book Store’s bestseller list – fiction category.

Life Story II
Supporters of Mar Roxas has turned his life story into a comic book – forcing the presidential hopeful to drop the slogan, “Walang drama. Trabaho lang.”

Life Story III
Supporters of Mar Roxas has turned his life story into a comic book. Not to be outdone, Vice President Binay’s life story has been turned into a Crime/Mystery novel.

Local Elections
The campaign period for the local polls has officially started with candidates making the rounds of their constituencies. Some news reports described Day 1 as “a circus” with political clowns trying hard to entertain the voters. The reports drew outrage from a group of clowns who issued a strongly-worded statement saying they were “very much offended by the comparison.”

Shameless
In Pagbilao, Quezon… this Bonifacio Shrine has virtually disappeared because of the huge campaign posters and tarps of local politicians. Ano kaya ang slogan ng partidong ito?

1Pagbilao
A: “Numero uno sa laban… sa laban ng pakapalan!”
B: “Kung ‘di ka tagarito, ‘wag kang magreklamo!”
C: “Partido ng Matatapang: Kahit si Bonifacio, ‘di uurungan!”
D: “Kanya-kanyang trip lang ‘yan; walang pakialaman.”

[Update: The tarps have been removed last Sunday according to a netizen from Pagbilao.]

Makati Politics
Vice President Binay’s daughter, Abby who served as congresswoman for nine consecutive years is now running for mayor of Makati. Her campaign promise worries some Makati residents though: “Ipagpapatuloy ko ang nasimulan ng aking ama.”

Makati Politics II
For councilor, Abby Binay’s lineup of candidates includes singer Rico J. Puno; dancer and TV host Jhong Hilario, and action star Monsour Del Rosario – in an apparent bid to topple Quezon City as the ‘City of Stars.’

Birthday Boy
On Monday, March 28, two famous persons celebrated their birthdays: Mayor Rodrigo Duterte and pop icon Lady Gaga. Of course, Lady Gaga and Mayor Duterte are different: One is daring and eccentric, and the other is Lady Gaga.

Launched
Diwata-1, the first Philippine-made satellite was recently launched into space. Filipino scientists who worked on the microsatellite is reportedly busy now with a more ambitious and highly-anticipated project: sending politicians into space.
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“When one with honeyed words but evil mind
Persuades the mob, great woes befall the state.”

~Euripides, Orestes

Sound Bites
“This was a 15-year old case already. The trial went on for seven years. This has nothing to do whether you’re an LP, this has nothing to do of being in the official family ng Pangulo.”
~Former Bukidnon Rep. Neric Acosta on his graft conviction

Elsewhere
“Will voters then settle for an “inexperienced” but fresh leader, a “vigilante” straight-talking leader, a performing but allegedly “corrupt” leader, a decent leader accused of being pretentious by some, or a sick leader absent in the second debate? Who do you think the millennials will ultimately vote for?”
~Josiah Go, Unmasking presidential candidates

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Binay/Abby Binay: Inquirer.net; Roxas Comics: Lottie Salarda via GMA News; Pagbilao Candidates: Philippine Star]





NOTES ON A DEBATE

21 03 2016

1PD2
THE SECOND presidential debate took place Sunday in Cebu City. #PilipinasDebates2016 started 90 minutes late though because Vice President Binay refused to follow one debate rule: No cheating.

Vice President Binay wanted to bring some notes and documents to the stage during the debate. But it was against the rules. Binay insisted however that five days earlier, he was allowed to do so by the event’s media partner, TV5. Apparently, there had been some sort of miscommunication between the Binay camp and Comelec Chair Luchi Cruz-Valdes.

To be fair to Luchi Cruz-Valdes, she handled the snafu like a pro. She immediately apologized for the mistake and took responsibility for it. Said President Aquino, “Pwede pala ‘yon?!?”

Nancy Binay was spotted outside the venue before the debate started. When quizzed by reporters about the delay, Nancy Binay said she didn’t know what was happening. Among many other things.

After the debate, moderator Luchi Cruz-Valdes requested the candidates to stay for a few minutes because Comelec Chairman Andy Bautista, TV5 CEO Noel Lorenzana, and UP President Alfredo Pascual wanted to congratulate them. Duterte, Poe, and Roxas stayed. But Binay immediately walked out – leaving the stage just as he arrived: like a true diva.

Goebbels
Reacting to the corruption issues raised by Mar Roxas and Grace Poe, Vice President Binay said the two were “disciples of Goebbels,” master propagandist of Hitler’s Nazi regime. Just so you know, it was Goebbels who was quoted to have said, “If you tell a Binay lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it.”

1debate 1
In case you missed it, here’s the transcript of the most heated portions of the debate.

Binay vs. Poe
Binay: Hindi ka Filipino!

Poe: Hindi ako nangulimbat!

Binay: Grabe ka namang magbintang. Parang na-convict na ako ah!

Poe: Sinabi ko bang ikaw ang nangulimbat? Nagbanggit ba ako ng pangalan?!

Binay: ‘Sensya naman. Akala ko kasi ako ang tinutukoy mo. So sino?

Poe: Tanga! Ikaw nga ‘yon. Helllllo??!! May iba pa ba. #asa

Binay vs Roxas
Roxas: Pati kama at iba pang gamit sa ospital, overpriced sabi ng COA!

Binay: Hindi overpriced ‘yan. We are entitled sa mamahaling gamit. Taga-Makati kami! Sosyalin!

Roxas: Pati building, bawat square meter, overpriced sabi ng COA.

Binay: Paulit-ulit ka ng bintang! Disipulo ka ni Goebbels!

Roxas: Paulit-ulit ka rin ng deny! Spell ‘Goebbels!’

Binay: Huwag mong ibahin ang usapan. Balik tayo sa overpricing.

Duterte vs. Roxas vs. Binay
Duterte: You’re a fraud! Sabi mo graduate ka ng Wharton, hindi ka taga-Wharton!

Roxas: Malinaw na malinaw, Wharton na po ang nagsabi. Nagtapos ako doon.

Binay: Digong, baka naman umattend ‘yan ng seminar sa Wharton. Hihihi

Roxas: Sandali, ito nga pala ang sabi ng COA sa overpriced school building sa Makati.

Binay: Ba’t ba ako nasali d’yan?! Oras mo ‘yan Digong. Go! Kaya mo na ‘yan!

Poe vs. Roxas
Poe: ‘Pag kaalyado, selective justice ang pinaiiral n’yo!

Roxas: Hindi ‘yan totoo! Kaalyado man o hindi, kinakasuhan kapag mali!

Poe: Si Jun Abaya ng DOTC, nasa puwesto pa rin until now kahit napakaraming kapalpakan!

Roxas:

Poe: Si Jun Abaya ng DOTC, nasa puwesto pa rin until now kahit napakaraming kapalpakan!

Roxas: Paulit-ulit? Nasabi mo na ‘di ba?

Duterte vs. Poe
Duterte: Kapag bigla kang ginising isang gabi dahil nagkakaputukan na sa Spratlys, ano ang una mong gagawin?

Poe: Babangon muna siyempre.

Duterte:

Poe:

Duterte: ‘Yan tayo eh. Duterte… 3 points! Hihihi

Roxas vs. Duterte
Duterte: Kung hindi ka handang pumatay o mamatay, hindi ka puwedeng mag-presidente!

Roxas: Mahihirap lang ang pinapatay mo! Wala kang binanggang kriminal o corrupt na mayaman.

Duterte: Ah ganun? Gusto mong pakitaan kita ngayon ng sample? Pwes…

Binay: Hoy Luchi… Luchi! Hindi ka ba aawat? Time is up na yata si Digong!

Poe vs. Binay Part 2
Poe: Suportado natin ang FOI Bill na may ngipin!

Binay: Sus! Kapag ako ang naging pangulo, maglalabas ako ng executive order on Freedom of Information Bill! Gano’n kabilis!

Poe: Agad-agad? Sige nga, kung suportado n’yo ang FOI Bill, nasaan ho sina Ebeng Baloloy at Gerry Limlingan?

Binay: Ang sabi ko, “KAPAG ako ang naging pangulo…” May qualifier! ‘Di ka ba nakikinig!?
—————————————————————————————————————————–
“Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with important matters.”
~Albert Einstein

Sound Bites
“Oops, alam mo, we are entitled to buy mamahalin kasi we have the best practice.”
~Vice President Binay on overpriced hospital equipment

“Ang kailangan siyempre bilang presidente ay bumangon agad. Hindi naman pwedeng mamaya na ‘yan, mamayang alas-singko, mamayang alas-sais. Mabilis na babangon ang presidente.”
~Sen. Grace Poe’s answer to Mayor Duterte’s question: Ano ang una mong gagawin kapag, isang gabi, ginising ka at sinabing nagkakaputukan na sa Spratlys?

“Ang hirap sa ‘yo Mar, you are a pretentious leader.”
~Mayor Duterte

“Ang isang ultrasound set na P1.3 million sa bill of particulars nang simulant ang project. Pero ang aktwal na binili n’yo, P8 million!”
~Mar Roxas on anomalous Makati City spending under Binay’s watch

Enjoy your summer break!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: TV5 Manila and State of the Nation/GMA]





MAGNANAKAW

18 03 2016

1prez

THE CANDIDATES for president will take a break after Sunday’s debate to take part in some Holy Week activities.

Overheard Part 1: Senakulo
Grace Poe: Hi guys! May nag-i-invite sa atin para gumanap sa senakulo. Game ba kayo?

Roxas: Oo naman! Ano pa bang roles ang hanap nila?

Duterte: ‘Yong magnanakaw na ipapako katabi ni Hesus. Kulang pa yata sila ng isa.

Miriam: Well, I know someone who’s perfect for the role.

Binay: Ulol!

Overheard Part 2: Magnanakaw
Binay: O, invited pala ang mga presidentiables sa senakulo. Kailangan daw nila ng taong gaganap na magnanakaw. Ngayon na ang rehearsal. As in, right now.

Duterte: Eh ba’t nandito ka pa?

Binay:

Duterte: Nagtatanong lang. Bawal?!?

Overheard Part 3: Barabbas
Binay: Miriam, sali tayo sa senakulo. Kailangan pa nila ng gaganap na Hudas at Barabbas.

Miriam: Sige, ako na ‘yong Barabbas. ‘Di ba s’ya ‘yong pipiliin ng taumbayan para palayain?

Binay: Ay! ‘Di ka nga pala pwedeng mag-Barabbas. Kasi, baka ‘pag tinanong ang taumbayan kung sino ang dapat palayain, malamang 3 percent lang ang magtaas ng kamay. Mababago ang kwento.

Miriam:

Binay: Joooooke! Bawal magalit. Baka ma-stress.

Overheard Part 4: Hesus
Binay: O guys, invited tayo sa senakulo. Naghahanap pa raw ng taong gaganap na Hesus. Siyempre, dapat may charisma at relatable sa masa.

Roxas: Tara!

Binay: SABI KO, MAY CHARISMA AT RELATABLE SA MASA!!! MAHIRAP BANG INTINDIHIN ‘YON?

Roxas:

Binay: Grabe naman ‘tong makatingin. Kung ako nga ang masabihan n’yong magnanakaw, ganun-ganun na lang! Napikon ba ako?!

Overheard Part 5: Options
Roxas: O guys, ang daming nag-i-invite sa atin for Holy Week. Kung pupunta tayo, saan kaya mas sure ang boto: senakulo o pabasa?

Binay: Visita Iglesia!

Roxas:

Binay: May sure 1 million votes ka do’n Kapatid. Ayaw mo pa?

Overheard Part 6: Stations of the Cross
Grace: Teka, taken na raw ang roles for the Virgin Mary, Mary Magdalene at maging ‘yong Veronica. May role pa ba para sa akin?

Roxas: Meron. Sa Stations of the Cross.

Grace: I’ll carry my own cross?

Roxas: Hindi. Ipagpapatuloy mo ang mga nasimulan ni Hesus.

Grace:

Roxas: #medyowaley

Overheard Part 7: Extrajudicial Killing
Roxas: Uy, join tayo sa senakulo. Marami pang roles na open.

Duterte: Pwede bang ako na si Hesus?

Roxas: Naku! Mas bagay kung ikaw ang papatay kay Hesus.

Duterte:

Roxas:

Duterte: F*ck you! Pisti!
—————————————————————————————————————————
“Tradition is a fragile thing in a culture built entirely on the memories of the elders.”
~Alice Albinia, Empires of the Indus: The Story of a River

Sound Bites
“I received threats. The threat was passed through a high official from a close and valued ally-politician of the vice president. They said they are going to run after me if the vice president wins as president. Go ahead, I welcome that. I’m not scared.”
~Ombudsman Conchita Carpio-Morales

Enjoy your weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo: Philstar.Com]





TAKE 2: I QUIT

12 03 2016

FOR THE SECOND TIME, presidential sister Kris Aquino announces she is quitting show business. Which was a bit anticlimactic ‘coz after ‘Etiquette for Mistresses’ and ‘All You Need Is Pag-ibig,’ we thought showbiz had already quit on her.

Kris Aquino leaving showbiz right NOW is like DJ Mbenga and Kwame Brown leaving the world champion Lakers.

1KRIS

With regard to her announcement, here’s Krissy’s latest statement:

“NAKAKALOKA. Hindi ko kinaya ang universe this week. Nag-conspire yata talaga para ‘di masyadong mapansin ang announcement ko. Irita ako ng slight, promise. Allow me to explain.

Ang totoo, Monday ko talaga dapat ipo-post sa Instagram ang decision ko to leave showbiz temporarily. (I know. I know. Second time na ‘to. Promise, this one’s for real.) Pero na-realize ko, Tuesday is International Women’s Day. ‘Di ba mas bongga? Mas relevant! So nag-compose muna ako ng post at hinintay kong mag-Tuesday!

The next day, Martes, maaga akong bumangon para i-post ang announcement ko. Medyo antok pa ang lola n’yo at may konting sinat pa pero keri lang. Post! So hinintay kong mag-comment ang followers ko. In fairness, marami-rami namang nalungkot. Sa isip-isip ko, “big news” ito later. Top story! “Multimedia queen, iiwan na ang showbiz!” Pak! Happy International Women’s Day to all!

Cut to: Around 3PM, I asked Darla to check the top trending topics on Twitter. I’m sure, nandun ako!

“Krissy, hindi pa masyadong pinag-uusapan ang announcement mo. Pero trending ‘yong Grace Poe!”

1GP
‘Yun pala, lumabas that same day ang decision ng Supreme Court on Grace Poe’s disqualification cases. Emosyonal ang senadora! Natural, siya ang bidang-bida!

Hay naku Atty. Theodore Te, wrong timing talaga kayo. Pwede namang Wednesday na lang inilabas ang decision ‘di ba! Bakit nakisabay ka pa!? Natabunan tuloy ang important announcement ko! I mean, hellloooooo! Halos dalawang dekada na akong napapanood sa TV ‘no! Eh si Grace Poe, wala pang 10 years sa Pilipinas, pinayagan lang tumakbo! Naku, ayaw nina Ate Koring at Dr. Elenita Binay ng ganyan! Promise!

Na-mention ko na rin lang si Korina, naloka naman ako kay Mar the other day. Sorry ‘Noy, but I have to make a comment lang. Kasi nga, Korina was present in a couple of Department of Agriculture events recently. Give ng cash here, give ng farming equipment there, winner ‘di ba? When a reporter asked Mar about it, napikon ang lolo n’yo. Hindi raw ba pwedeng mag-campaign for him si Korina na asawa naman niya. Naloka ako nang bongga. Of course pwede, Mar! Ano ka ba?! Pero ang isyu, bakit sa events pa ng Department of Agriculture? Ayan, na-compare tuloy siya kay Imelda. Ayaw ko nang habaan pa ang litanya dahil baka tumawag na naman si Ate Pinky. I’m sure, sasabihin niya, “Krissy! We’re on Mar’s side, LP tayo. Stop it na!” ‘K. Fine. Aha-ha-ha!

Going back to my announcement…
So ‘yun na nga. Natabunan na ako ng Grace Poe issue. ‘Buti na lang pinick-up ng ilang online news outlets ang IG posts ko; at least, kahit papa’no pinag-usapan pa rin naman ako. In Darla’s words. “Iingay pa ‘yan.” At sabi nga ni Alma, “Dasal lang. Dasal lang talaga.” So ‘yun na nga ang ginawa ko, I prayed.

1lrt
And then came Thursday! Dito na ako nainis nang bonggang-bongga. There’s this talkative boy in school uniform na nag-post ng video habang sakay sa LRT na open ang door! NAKAKALOKA! Hindi ko talaga kinaya. I mean, ‘yong talkative boy NOT the open door! Promise, naka-relate ako sa kanya. You know, the attention, the instant fame, and all. ‘Buti na lang at walang nagtulak sa kanya palabas. Ang ingay-ingay niya sa tren ‘no! Feeling siguro ni bagets, member siya ng Dauntless sa Divergent movie. Watch this para ma-gets n’yo.

Pero to be fair, mabuti na ring lumabas ang video ni talkative boy (na James pala ang name. Wow, what a coincidence!) I can’t imagine Bimby or Josh on a train na open ang door habang tumatakbo. I swear, magdedemanda ako! MAGDEDEMANDA AKO!

Going back to my announcement…
Nagpa-interview nga pala ako kay Jo-Ann Maglipon ng YES! Magazine about my decision to quit showbiz. Na-feature naman sa news ‘yong tungkol sa YES! interview ko last Friday so feeling ko finally… sa akin na ang focus. Eh biglang umeksena itong RCBC Branch Manager sa NAIA. Natabunan na naman ang interview ko! Imbey!

1RCBC
In case you missed it, ito ‘yon: Nagamit pala sa money laundering itong RCBC. Millions of dollars mula sa Bangladeshi government ang dinivert ng hackers sa bansa through RCBC! Grabe! I’m not sure lang kung alin ang mas shocking: ‘yong nagamit ang RCBC o ‘yong fact na may millions of dollars ang mga Bangladeshi. I’m sooo mean! I remember kasi this joke from the ‘90s: sa sobrang hirap daw ng Philippines, Bangladesh na lang ang ‘di natin natatalo. Ouch.

Anyway, may Senate hearing next week at invited itong si RCBC Branch Manager Maia Santos-Deguito. Pero kahapon, nag-attempt pala siyang umalis ng country. Malas lang niya dahil naalerto agad ng AMLC ang Bureau of Immigration. Ayun, kahit nakaupo na, pinababa pa rin siya ng plane. Ang sad. I think I’m gonna cry. Hu-hu-hu Pero bad ‘yang money laundering huh. Masisira ang good image ng Philippines na pinaghirapan pa naman ni ‘Noy. Good luck sa hearing!

1kk
Going back to my announcement…
Baka June na ako makabalik sa TV. Or July. Or earlier. I don’t know. Since election season naman at nasa candidates ang atensyon ng buong Pilipinas, disappear na muna ako. Pagbalik ko, hopefully… wala na si politics si Noy, at si Mar na ang presidente. Kung mamalasin, ‘yong taga-Makati. Or malay natin, isa uling babae. Naku, baka magalit sa akin ang mga taga-Davao. Sige na nga, isasama ko na si Mayor Duterte. Pero promise, ang corny nung Du30. It’s read as Du-thirty not Du-ter-te. Masyadong pilit eh.

To my fans, thank you for the love. Hindi naman ako mawawala totally eh. Ako pa?! Sa mga nag-send sa akin ng videos na umiiyak sila ‘tapos parang nagde-deliver ng eulogy, how morbid! Buhay pa ‘ko! Nakakaloka kayo! Mapapanood n’yo pa rin naman ako sa commercials ‘tapos mababasa n’yo pa rin regularly ang mga post ko sa IG na mas mahahaba pa kaysa sa Supreme Court decisions.

Promise, pagbalik ko, marami akong pasabog! Mas bongga! Mas winner! Mas pag-uusapan! I’m sure, viral material ang comeback interview ni Krissy! Unless, mag-post na naman ng kanyang documentary ‘yong talkative boy sa LRT! Kalurky!

Love. Love. Love.
1kk
—————————————————————————————————————————————
“When you become a celebrity, your shit becomes news.”
~M.F. Moonzajer

Sound Bites
“Just like all of you, I love my family. My most valuable life destiny is to be Mama to Kuya Josh and Bimby; and to be a loving, selfless sister to Ate Pinky, Noy, and Viel: a bunso who doesn’t give them constant worry because of my health and safety.”
~Kris Aquino

Elsewhere
“But in the face of yet another sterling opportunity for Binay to once and for all answer the charges squarely, he is again hedging and bellyaching. Unfortunately, even the COA that he had once depended on for official clearance now agrees: He has some explaining to do.”
~Philippine Daily Inquirer, Explain Already

Stay healthy.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Kris Aquino: IG; Grace Poe: PhilStar.Com; RCBC: ABSCBN News; LRT: James Cubelo]





GETTING HOT IN HERE

8 03 2016

GOOD NEWS and bad news for LP standard bearer Mar Roxas. The latest survey puts him in second place. The bad news is three others are statistically tied for first.

1INQ
According to the latest survey conducted by Standard Today, the race for president has “become tighter.” Grace Poe is still leading with 26 percent followed by Mayor Duterte with 24 percent. Vice President Binay drops to third place with 23 percent while Mar Roxas came in fourth with 22 percent. The survey has a margin of error of plus or minus Senator Miriam’s rating.

Top Spender
A PCIJ report reveals Cong. Ferdinand Martin Romualdez of Leyte, who is running for senator, has spent more than half a BILLION pesos on pre-campaign political ads alone. And Imelda Marcos was like, “Pamangkin nga kita.”

Top Spender II
Leyte Rep. Ferdinand Martin Romualdez has spent more than half a BILLION pesos on pre-campaign ads. Talk about full Yolanda recovery.

1KM
Para-paraan
Broadcaster Korina Sanchez was heavily criticized for joining DA officials on stage during the distribution of agriculture funds and equipment in Davao, North Cotabato, and Pampanga recently. Apparently, Malacañang forgot to publicly announce Korina’s appointment as Agriculture undersecretary.

Summer
Summer is here again and people have started to complain about the heat. Some envy vice presidential candidate Gringo Honasan because in UNA’s campaign sorties, he gets to stand next to something shady.

Summer II
Summer is here! Mar Roxas is sweating a lot more as election approaches.

Summer III
Summer is off to a sizzling start! Even expelled INC minister Lowell Menorca couldn’t stand the heat, he left the country.

Denial
Presidential candidate Grace Poe has categorically denied The Daily Tribune’s report she used a fake social security number (005-03-1988) in acquiring a real estate property in the US. Netizens were shocked: “There’s a Daily Tribune?!??

Sentenced
An Iranian billionaire was sentenced to death for corruption. Said Vice President Binay, “Thank God I’m a Filipino!”

Zika
Reports say the Zika virus may be “sexually-transmitted.” Congratulations, you are safe!

1Ray
@Peace Now
Ray Tomlinson, the inventor of email has died at the age of 74. Returned to sender.
——————————————————————————————————————————————
“When one with honeyed words but evil mind
Persuades the mob, great woes befall the state.”

~Euripides, Orestes

Sound Bites
“There were millions of people you could potentially reach.”
~Ray Tomlinson, Inventor of the email

Drink plenty of water.

[Photos: Presidentiables: Inquirer.net; Korina Sanchez: Manila Bulletin; Ray Tomlinson: BBC]

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





REJECTED DEBATE QUESTIONS

4 03 2016

THE NEXT presidential debate will take place in Cebu on March 20. Here are some suggested but #RejectedDebateQuestions.

1Debate
1: Kung mawawalan ng wallet ang isa sa inyong lima at isa rin sa inyo ang kumuha, sino ang una mong paghihinalaang nagnakaw nito?

2: Nagbulsa ka na ba kahit isang sentimo man lang mula sa kaban ng bayan? Kung oo, magkano? Kung hindi pa, kailan mo ito balak gawin, and why?

3: Sang-ayon ba kayo sa pahayag ni Manny Pacquiao na ang mga lesbian at bading na gumagawa ng “homosexual acts” ay “mas masahol pa sa hayop?” Demonstrate.

4: Kapag biglang tumirik ang siksikang MRT na iyong sinasakyan one rush hour Monday, do you expect us to believe you’ll take the MRT on a rush hour Monday? Bonus question: Saang station kaya titirik ang MRT? Cite statistics.

5: Matapos ideklarang unconstitutional ng Supreme Court ang ‘pork barrel,’ sino sa mga kakilala o kaibigan mong mambabatas ang labis na nalungkot, nagalit, at nanghinayang sa nawalang kita o komisyon? I-upload sa social media ang kanyang pictures gamit ang Pic Collage.

6: Dahil ipinangangalandakan n’yong mahal n’yo ang mahihirap, gusto n’yo ba silang dumami?

7: Batay sa ‘yong sariling pag-aaral, ano ang kuneksyon nina Enrile, Jinggoy, Bong Revilla, at Gigi Reyes kay Janet Napoles? Gumamit ng Venn diagram sa pagpapaliwanag.

8: Ang sabi ni Alma Moreno, “Dasal lang. Dasal lang talaga.” Kung naniniwala kayo sa sinabi niya, magpakita ng pruweba.

1Debate
9: Magkano na ang nagagastos mo sa kampanya at anong pabor ang gagawin mo upang makabayad ng utang na loob sa iyong campaign donors?

10: Kung ikaw ang mananalo, at habang nakaupo ay dumanas ng kamalasan ang administrasyon mo, sisisihin mo rin ba ang dating pangulo?

11: Senator Grace Poe, alin ang mas kabisado mo: The Star Spangled Banner o Lupang Hinirang? Perform an a capella of your answer in a range of at least five octaves.

12: Mayor Binay, ano ang cellphone number nina Gerry Limlingan at Ebeng Baloloy? Patunayan ang sinseridad mo sa publiko by dialing your friends’ numbers and talking to both them – in speaker phone mode. Now na.

13: Senator Miriam, You picked a Marcos?! Anyareh?! Justify.

14: Mayor Duterte, If a suspected drug pusher is killed by the Davao Death Squad (DDS) and no one is around to witness it or the body is not found, does the DDS commit a crime?

15: Secretary Mar, Kung isa lang sa dalawang ito ang pwedeng mapasa’yo, alin ang pipiliin mo: ang maging pangulo o ang asawa mo?
——————————————————————————————————————————–
“Don’t raise your voice, improve your argument.”
~Desmond Tutu

Sound Bites
“The bottom line: Marcos left such an economic hole that it took the country another 14 years (since 1986) before we could regain the real per capita income levels we were enjoying, such as they were, before the Philippine collapse in 1983. That was, unarguably, the Marcos Legacy. And arguably he left us also a culture of impunity and world-class corruption that is even more difficult to erase. To top it all, the Marcos who wants to be vice president is unapologetic about martial law.”
~Prof. Solita Monsod

Have a fun weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





WORDS

28 02 2016

1PD

BASED ON  the transcript of Pilipinas Debates 2016, the most mentioned word during the debate was “problema.” Unfortunately, no one mentioned “solution.”

Phrases
According to the transcript of Pilipinas Debates 2016, the most uttered word during the debate was “problema.” While the most uttered phrase by televiewers was “Yeah right.”

Upset
Vice President Binay is not happy with some of the questions asked during the recent Pilipinas Debates 2016. Expecting to be grilled on his track record, Binay was instead asked something about his real estate properties. Which, in defense of GMA Network, still highlighted Binay’s track record – in amassing wealth.

Commercials
Likewise, the Vice President complained about the long commercial breaks. Which would have been, in fact, a lot shorter if Binay and his fellow candidates did not buy spots for their political ads.

1im
Ooops!
Imelda Marcos attended a morning mass last Wednesday which, unknown to her was intended for the victims of the Marcos regime. Mrs. Marcos realized she was at the “wrong” mass when attendees began staring at her as they sang, “Kunin mo o Diyos at tanggapin mo…”

Political Parties
Senatorial candidate Panfilo Lacson is pushing for the return of the two-party system in the country – – totally surprising millennials who thought the two-party system already existed: the Sinungaling and the Magnanakaw parties.

Jobs
Presidential candidate Mar Roxas vows to generate 1 million jobs yearly if elected. In fact, he can create jobs as early as now. Stuck in 3rd or 4th place in the latest surveys, he would need additional people to work for his campaign.

Burial
During a campaign sortie in the vote-rich city of Tacloban, presidential candidate Grace Poe told the media she was open to the idea of allowing the burial of the late dictator Ferdinand Marcos at the Libingan ng mga Bayani. But Poe clarified she wasn’t politicking. She was just speaking as a daughter orphaned by her estranged father.

1lsbFrozen
Lip Sync Battle Philippines had its pilot episode on GMA 7 last Saturday. To open the show, host Michael V channeled the character Elsa and lip-sync’d to the hit song ‘Let It Go’ from the animated film ‘Frozen’ which tells the story of a late dictator who was repeatedly denied a hero’s burial.

Buttons
Facebook has added reaction buttons in addition to the original ‘like’ button. These are ‘haha,’ ‘wow,’ ‘love,’ ‘angry,’ and ‘sad.’ Or as that’s collectively called, ‘the five stages of falling in love.’
————————————————————————————————————————————
“Those who are capable of tyranny are capable of perjury to sustain it.”
~Lysander Spooner

Sound Bites
“Umpisa pa lang ang sabi, ang pag-uusapan natin, track record. Aba, ang itinanong naman sa akin ay lupa kong namana at ang lupa kong nabili.”
~Vice President Binay hitting the organizers of Pilipinas Debates 2016

Think before you vote.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Pilipinas Debates 2016: GMA Network; Imelda: TheStar.Com; Michael V: LSBPhilippines]

 





BURN!

22 02 2016

AVID SUPPORTERS and defenders of Manny Pacquiao scored the media for uploading a shorter version of his controversial “Masahol pa sa hayop” interview. The shorter version, they claim, made it appear that Pacquiao was completely ignorant and bigot – compared to the longer version which showed that Pacquiao was completely ignorant and bigot.

1Nike
Torched
Members of a Born Again Christian group in Cebu City torched a pile of Nike shoes in protest of Nike’s decision to drop Manny Pacquiao as endorser. When sought for reaction, Nike said, “We’re really busy right now. But we promise to ignore them some other time. Thank you.”

Reports say a pastor led the burning of a pile of Nike shoes in protest of Nike’s decision to sever ties with Manny Pacquiao. This latest development has saddened local Nike employees, LGBT groups, and Brian Poe Llamanzares.

1LynRillonINQ
Presidential Debate
The first presidential debate was held Sunday in Cagayan De Oro City. The five candidates were in their usual element: Mayor Duterte was straightforward; Senator Miriam was still articulate [‘though she looked fragile and her voice was shaking]; Mar Roxas started aggressive and ended dramatic, while  Grace Poe was calm and composed. As expected, Vice President Binay trumpeted his accomplishments in Makati. Nothing more. I’m not sure why some people are saying he stole the show.

Goals
In the closing statement, the candidates were asked, “Why should you be the next president of the Philippines?” This was a randomly selected question sent online – incidentally by two different persons: Miss Universe Organization’s Paula Shugart and Miss World Chair Julia Morley.

Some debate questions were picked from a bowl, and like the Miss Universe 2015 pageant, PiliPinas Debates 2016 was hosted by a comedian, Mike Enriquez.

Emotional
An emotional Mar Roxas said he wanted to be president, “Dahil gusto kong maging ganito rin ang buhay n’yo: Malaya sa gutom, malaya sa takot, malayang mangarap.” And then it became awkward when somebody shouted, “Cut! Isa pa! Take 2 tayo.”

1PDInquirer
Deadline
Mayor Duterte vowed to “get rid of drugs, suppress crime, and stop corruption in government in a matter of three to six months.” Or as that’s also called, “magic.”

Underspending
In his closing statement, Vice President Binay said, “Tigilan na po natin ‘yang underspending!” I’m not an expert on budgeting but when it comes to spending taxpayers’ money, I find it hard to trust the man who gave us the Makati City Hall  parking building.

Unanswered Question
Asked why he should be the next president of the Philippines, Vice President Binay said, “Tigilan na ang underspending.” He didn’t answer the question directly, and eventually wound up as 4th Runner-up.

Loser
Sen. Alan Peter Cayetano said the debate’s biggest loser was Vice President Binay. While the biggest winner was GMA-7 Sales Department.

In Other News…
According to a recent survey, the first thing that Filipinos do after waking up in the morning is to check their cellphones. The second thing is to complain about something.
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“Avoid and ignore the idiots who try to bring you down in life; they are not worth your time.”
~Ken Poirot

Sound Bites
“Nag-aantay akong mamatay. Eh hindi ako pinatay ng guardian angel ko eh. I’m only 70 years old plus six-year term as president, I would have served my country. I did not want to spend the next six years lying in bed feeling sorry for myself. In fact, I didn’t lie in bed. I didn’t want to feel sorry for myself. I felt sorry for my country because graft and corruption is endemic.”
~Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago, #PilipinasDebates2016

“Nang tanungin s’ya sa debate kung paano niya nakuha ang kanyang lupa, ang sabi n’ya minana daw niya ito, mula sa kanyang nanay at tatay. Pero kung matatandaan natin, sa kanyang patalastas, sinabi ni Binay na namatay ang kanyang nanay na wala silang perang pampaospital. May lupa pala ang nanay niya. Hindi man lang nila ito isinanla o ibenta para maipagamot ang kanyang nanay?”
~Alan Peter Cayetano on Vice President Binay

#TeamNoToThieves2016

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Manny Pacquiao: ; Pilipinas Debates 2016: Lyn Rillon and Inquirer.net]





EXCLUSIVE: MANNY PACQUIAO WITHDRAWS CANDIDACY

17 02 2016

JUST MINUTES after Boy Abunda’s impassioned speech denouncing Manny Pacquiao’s anti-LGBT statement, the senatorial candidate sought an audience with the King of Talk. Here’s the full, unedited online-exclusive conversation between Boy and Pacquiao.

1MA

Mga kaibigan, hindi po kayo namamalik-mata. Kasama ko ngayon, Manny Pacquiao. Magandang gabi, Manny at maraming salamat sa pagpapaunlak mo sa panayam na ito!

Wala ‘yon Kuya Boy. Sumusunod lang ako sa kagustuhan ni Lord. Sabi kasi sa Luke 6:35, “Love your enemies… expecting nothing in return; and your reward will be great… for He Himself is kind to evil men.”

So, sinasabi mo bang evil ako Manny? Masahol sa hayop na, evil pa? Hindi ko naman yata matatanggap ‘yan.

Kuya Boy, hindi ako ang nagsabi niyan. Bible ang nagsabi niyan.

Manny, sabi rin sa Bible, and let me quote Leviticus 20:10, “If a man commits adultery with his neighbor’s wife, both the man and the woman who have committed adultery must be put to death.” Ang tanong ko Manny: Bakit buhay ka pa?

Hindi mo na-gits ang Bible, Kuya Boy. Ang linaw ng sabi ‘di ba: “If a man commits adultery with his neighbor’s wife…” NEIGHBOR’S WIFE daw Kuya Boy. Unang-una, hindi ko neighbor ang naging chicks ko. Pangalawa, single ang mga ‘yon; hindi pa sila wife. So paanong ipu-put to death ako? Common sense lang Kuya Boy. Common sense.

Manny, napanood ko ang iyong apology sa Twitter at Facebook. And allow me to quote you, “Nais ko pong humingi ng paumanhin sa lahat ng nasaktan dahil sa aking pagkumpara sa tao sa hayop. Iyon po ay kamalian ko.” Manny, linawin nga natin. Kamalian mo ito… dahil?

Dahil kahapon ko lang nalaman Kuya Boy na meron palang baklang hayop at meron ding tomboy na hayop. Sobrang shocked ako. ‘Tapos, may nabasa pa ako tungkol sa flatworms. Nagpi-penis fencing daw ang mga bulateng ‘yan. Grabi. At ‘yan ang pagkakamali ko Kuya Boy. Baligtad ang sinabi ko sa interview. Dapat pala: mas masahol pa sila sa tao. Kinilabutan talaga ako. Ipagpi-pray ko na lang sila Kuya Boy.

Manny, reaksyon lang sa mga kumento ng ilang taga-industriya. Direk Joey Reyes indirectly described you as a “celebrated bigot.”

Ok lang.

Hindi ka nasasaktan kapag tinatawag kang bigot?

Hindi.

Really?! Hindi ka nasasaktan at all?

Hindi ko naman alam ang bigot. Hihi What you don’t know won’t hurt you. Uy Ingles. Hihi

Ang sabi ni Vice Ganda… “Ang pagpatol sa parehong kasarian ay masahol pa sa hayop??? Eh ang pakikiapid habang ika’y may asawa, anong kababuyan ‘to? Pakisagot Manny!”

Sinagot ko na ‘yan kanina Kuya Boy. Parurusahan ka lang ni Lord kung makikiapid ka sa “neighbor’s wife.” Kung hindi mo pa rin gits Vice Ganda, ipagpi-pray na lang kita. Pero sige, hinahamon kita, magpakita ka ng pruwiba. Nasaan ang kapitbahay na pinatulan ko? NASAAN?!? Nagbibintang ka. Matakot ka naman sa Diyos. “You shall not spread a false report.” Exodus 23:1

May mas matindi pang sinabi si Vice. Ang ginamit niyang term: false prophet.

Nakakalungkot Kuya Boy dahil pinaghirapan kong lahat ang laban ko, ang yaman ko, ang mga investments ko. Hindi ako nagnakaw. Kung anuman ang tinubo ko sa negosyo, true lahat ‘yon. Anong false ang ipinagkakalat niya? Konting common sense naman.

Manny, si Aiza Seguerra nag-tweet din. Just so you know, Aiza is married to Liza Diño, at sabi niya, you are an “ignorant, bigoted hypocrite.”

Pasinsya na Kuya Boy pero kukuntrahin ko ang dalawang sinabi niya. Hindi ako ignorante at hindi rin ako hypocrite. Pero aaminin ko: ilang araw na akong hindi nag-aahit kaya bigoted ako. May point naman siya dun kahit papa’no.

Nagsalita na ang iyong kandidato sa pagkapangulo, si Vice President Binay. He said entitled ka raw sa opinion mo.

Una, pasalamat ako kay VP Binay sa support niya. Hindi ako nagkamali ng piniling kandidato sa pagka-prisidinti. Pangalawa, iisipin ko pa. Isa na lang muna. Kailangan ba ngayon na?

Ano ang masasabi mo sa alegasyon ng pagnanakaw, kurapsyon at pandarambong na ibinabato laban kay VP?

Katulad din ‘yan ng sagot ko sa pakikiapid Kuya Boy. Leviticus 19:13, “Do not defraud or rob your neighbor.” Kapitbahay ba ni VP ang sinasabing ninakawan niya? Hindi naman ‘di ba? City hall ‘yon. Hindi naman siya nakatira sa tabi ng city hall kaya hindi ‘yon neighbor. Sa madaling salita, walang kasalanan si VP. Common sense lang Kuya Boy. Common sense.

Noong isang araw, usap-usapan din sa social media ang anak ni Sen. Grace Poe na si Brian dahil nag-post ito ng picture ng sapatos na nabili niya for 10,000 pesos. Unethical daw ito sabi ng ilang kritiko. Bilang preacher, ano ba ang sinasabi ng Bible tungkol dito?

Huwag na nating idamay ang Bible Kuya Boy. Common sense lang. Nakakita ka na ba ng hayop na nagsuot ng mamahaling sapatos? Hindi pa ‘di ba? In short, ‘yang anak ni Grace Poe ay masahol pa sa hayop.

Sa latest senatorial survey, pasok ka sa Magic 12 which means posibleng manalo ka sa eleksyon. My question is: What have we done as a nation to deserve this?

Sa totoo lang Kuya Boy hindi ko rin inexpect na papasok ako sa Magic 12. Unang-una, hindi naman ako naniniwala sa magic. “….for whoever does these things is an abomination to the Lord.” Deuteronomy 18:10-12. Pangalawa, ano nga ulit ‘yong tanong mo?

Ibang tanong na lang Manny. Hypothetical lang, kung isa sa mga anak mong lalaki ay maging homosekswal at magkagusto sila sa kapwa lalaki, paano mo ito haharapin?

Alam mo Kuya Boy, ‘yan din ang nagtulak para magpa-interview ako sa ‘yo. Gusto kong dito i-announce ang isang napakahalagang bagay.

May bakla sa mga anak mo Manny?!? Sino sa kanila? Si Michael na kamukha mo? Si Jimuel na kamukha ni Jinkee? Syet, huwag mong sabihing si Israel!?!

Bakit ko naman i-a-announce na bakla ang anak ko? Common sense naman Kuya Boy.

So ano nga ang announcement mo?

Kung pwede Kuya Boy, haharap na ako sa camera…

Go!

Sa mga minamahal kong kababayan,

Unang-una, ‘pasalamat ako sa Panginoon dahil binigyan niya ako ng lakas ng loob na gawin ito ngayon. Pangalawa, ‘pasalamat ako sa pamilya ko, sa mga kapartido ko, kay VP Binay at sa lahat ng supporters ko.

Narito ako ngayon para i-announce na aatras na po ako sa pagtakbo sa pagka-senador. Alam kong marami sa inyo ang malulungkot sa desisyon kong ito pero dapat ko itong gawin para sa aking mga anak na lalaki.

Napagpasyahan ko pong ilaan na lang ang oras ko sa kanila. Habang ako ay malakas pa, iti-train ko sila sa pagboboksing at iba pang contact sports para matiyak na hindi sila magiging bakla. Bakit ‘ka n’yo? Dahil malinaw po ang nakasulat sa Leviticus 20:13.

“If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall surely be put to death; their blood is upon them.”

Sinusunod ko lang po ang utos ni Lord kaya ngayon pa lang ay gagawa na ako ng paraan para maiiwas sa malaking kasalanan sina Michael, Jimuel at maging si Israel.

“… neither effeminate, nor homosexuals… shall inherit the kingdom of God.” 1 Corinthians 6:9-10

Sana po ay maunawaan n’yo ang aking desisyon. May mga anak din kayong lalaki at babae. Gusto n’yo ba silang lumaking sumisiping sa kapwa nila lalaki o kapwa babae? Common sense lang. Common sense.

Maraming salamat po and God bless you all.

THANK YOU MANNY. Magbabalik ang Tonight With Boy Abunda.
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“There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action.”
― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, Collected Works

Sound Bites
“Common sense lang. Makakakita ka ba ng any animals na lalaki sa lalaki, babae sa babae? Mas mabuti pa yung hayop. Marunong kumilala kung lalaki, lalaki, o babae, babae. Kung lalaki sa lalaki, babae sa babae, eh mas masahol pa sa hayop ang tao.”
~Manny Pacquiao

Relationships
Manny Pacquiao shuns same sex unions. He believes that relationships must only be between a man and a woman. And another woman. And another woman. And another woman.

Love. Love. Love.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: MP/BA: Inquirer.net; Pacquiao/Binay: Tempo]





CIRCUMCISION, MICROBES, AND OTHER STORIES

13 02 2016

1DDR
Sick?
Last Thursday, Mayor Rodrigo Duterte was forced to cancel a speaking engagement. Reports say a respiratory infection triggered a headache, nausea and vomiting – the same symptoms experienced by people who repeatedly watched videos of him locking lips with his female supporters.

Dare
When asked if he was willing to release his medical records to the public, Mayor Duterte said, “I will release them if Mar Roxas will show he is circumcised.” To which, Korina Sanchez replied, “Sus! Maliit na bagay.”

Dare II
Mayor Duterte says he will make public his medical records if Mar Roxas will show he is circumcised. The Roxas camp described this latest tirade as “below the belt.”

1BBM
Gimmick
Vice presidential candidate Bongbong Marcos recently launched an online gimmick called “Bongbong Into My Heart” – in which a lucky netizen stands a chance to win an exclusive lunch date with him. Apparently, Bongbong got his inspiration from Mayor Duterte’s own much talked-about gimmick called “Digong On Your Lips.”

Sacrifice
Lent officially started last Wednesday. It’s the time of the year when Christians usually give up something as a form of sacrifice like a favorite food, hobby or a habit. Grace Poe will never forget Lent of 2001. That year, she gave up being a Filipino.

Kissing
Scientists say there are 80 million microbes in a kiss but most are harmless and actually protect us from infections. Mayor Duterte calls it “a vindication of sorts.”

1D30
Breakthrough
Scientists have found proof of gravitational waves from two black holes that collided some 1.3 billion years ago. Filipinos would have been more impressed if scientists could help locate Ebeng Baloloy and Gerry Limlingan.

Premature Cam
Senatorial aspirant Sandra Cam is furious at Alan Peter Cayetano. Cam said Cayetano barred her from speaking at Mayor Duterte’s proclamation rally in Tondo, Manila. Preventing Cam from speaking was totally unfair because the crowd was deprived of the chance to ignore her.

Banned
PBA import Ivan Johnson of Tropang TNT has been banned from the PBA and was slapped with P250,000 fine for cursing league officials. The cursing import has since left Manila and relocated to a city deemed friendlier to him – Davao.

Forever
According to a recent Social Weather Stations study, 73 percent of adult Filipinos believe in ‘forever.’ To the remaining 27 percent… ‘wag nang bitter. Move on na please.
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“Denial is a useful defense mechanism until it’s not.”
~Rosalind Kaplan

Sound Bites
“I am well. Do not worry about my health. Worry about yourselves so you can vote for me.”
~Mayor Rodrigo Duterte

“May nagsabi pa nga, ‘ano ba naman ang experience ni Senator Grace Poe, teacher lang ‘yan.’ Totoo, kulang ako sa karanasan sa pagnanakaw at pangungurakot.”
~Sen. Grace Poe

Happy Valentine’s Day!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte: ABSCBN News Screengrab; Bongbong Marcos Twitter; Gravitational Waves: Extreme Tech.com]








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