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LOVE IN THE TIME OF DENGVAXIA

11 02 2018

IN CELEBRATION of Valentine’s Day 2018, here are some timely ‘hugot’ lines. Enjoy!

1Roque

* * * * *

1WPS

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1Peso

* * * * *

1Persida

* * * * *

1MRT

* * * * *

1Marcoses

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1Pulong

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1LowerHouse

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1BG

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1Inflation

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1RIT

* * * * *

2WPS

* * * * *

1fAKEGuirre

* * * * *

1Bro
1Tanga

* * * * *

1d
———————————————————————————————————————————-
“An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.”
~Agatha Christie

Sound Bites
“Ang kailangang i-assert natin ‘yung sovereignty natin. Hindi kailangang hintayin natin kung kailan sila aalis. Kailangang mas matibay ang ating paninidigan; ipaglaban natin ‘yung ating teritoryo.”
~House Deputy Speaker Lorenzo “Erin” Tañada III

Exactly.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo Sources: Harry Roque/ West Philippine Sea: Inquirer.Net; MRT 3: Dax Lucas via Mapio.net; Persida Acosta: Rappler; News; Mocha Uson: Philstar.com; TRAIN Infographic: ABSCBN News; Rice: PhilStar.com; Veggies: Rappler; Bato: Philstar; Aguirre: Rappler; Peso Bills: Rappler; Duterte Finger: Reuters]

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“BIIIIIMB!” [KRISSY’S REALIZATIONS]

4 02 2018

1BIMB
HELLLLLLO! Nagulat kayo ‘no? I’m sure na-miss n’yo ‘ko! Aminin n’yo!

As I have said last week, afraid ang TV networks na bigyan ako ng show because of politics. Kainis ‘di ba?! Kaya dito na muna ako – paraket-raket online. Pero in fairness huh, never akong iniwan ng sponsors. Kaya look at me, look o, ang kinis-kinis ko pa rin. Glowing! Thank you Ever Bilena. Sabi nga ni Bimb kagabi, “Moooooooom, you don’t look like my mother na. We look like sisters already!” Naloka ako. Sabi ko, “Biiiiiiimb, it’s SIBLINGS not sisters! Hay naku, iba-bash ka na naman ng dirty-looking, homophobic broadcaster na laging talo sa elections!” Aha-ha-ha!

Anyway, thank you so much sa mga patuloy na nagtitiwala. I told Ate Ballsy nga, sa mga ganitong pagkakataon mo talaga malalaman ang tunay na nagmamahal sa ‘yo. ‘Di ba?! ‘Yong tipong down na down ka ‘tapos makaka-receive ka ng call saying, “Krissy, we want you to endorse our product!” I swear, naiiyak ako. It just goes to show na love love love pa rin n’yo talaga ako.

In fact, just an hour ago, may nag-inquire through text. Ang sabi, “Krissy, willing ka bang mag-endorse ng memorial plan?” Lalo akong naiyak. Ba’t ganun? Hindi pa naman dead ang career ko ‘di ba? I politely declined. ‘Tapos sabi ni Bimb, “Mooooooooom, but you’re dead na dead kay Tito Herbert!” Nakakaloka. Sabi ko, “Biiiiiiiiimb! That’s our secret, ‘di ba? ‘Wag mo naman akong ilaglag.” Aha-ha-ha!

Hay naku. Basta! Life goes on may TV show man o wala. This too shall pass. Hindi sila forever sa pwesto. May araw din kayo. Jooooooke! For sure, galit na si Mom sa heaven. “Krissy, behave! Don’t be vindictive!”

Fine. Quiet na lang ako. Aha-ha-ha.

Anyway, nag-monitor kami ni Bimb ng news nitong mga nakaraang araw, and we learned quite a few things. I wanna share them with you.

Una, last week ko lang nalaman na doktor na pala si Persida Acosta. Nakakaloka! Akala ko lawyer siya. She was insisting na super dami ng namatay sa Dengvaxia. Pati appendix na pumutok, Dengvaxia pa rin. May conclusions na agad siya. Even Bimb was like, “Moooooooooom, that’s sooo scary. Was I vaccinated?” Sabi ko, “No Bimb. There’s no need for that. Walang mosquitoes sa house ‘coz it’s so clean.”

Sabi niya, “’k!”

Aha-ha-ha! Bimb is so me talaga.

Na-realize ko rin last week, Pinoys are really bad at geography pala. Akala ng marami, nasa Batangas ang Tagaytay; nasa Bataan ang Corregidor, at nasa Saudi ang Dubai. All wrong! Pero ang ‘di ko kinaya, ‘yong sabihing matatagpuan sa Naga ang Mayon Volcano!!!! ‘Di baaa???? Kailan pa inilipat? In fairness huh, ‘di ‘yun nabalita! Nakakaloka. Ang tanga-tanga! But that’s fine. We all make mistakes. Hindi na ako lalayo. Akala ko nga noon, matatagpuan ang happiness sa lalaki. I was so wrong. Baka sabihin naman ni Bimb, “Moooooooooooom, you’re so emo!” Inunahan na kita Bimb. I am! Aha-ha-ha!

I remember so well, when Kuya Noy was still in office, sobrang haba lagi ng pila sa MRT. I should know, na-experience ko ‘yan, remember?

Tapos every month yata, may sira. So the people were like so gigil na talaga. And then nagamit pa ‘yon sa campaign against Mar Roxas. Ang ending: lost! Fast forward to 2018, naloka ako sa news na everyday pala, twice or thrice nasisira ang MRT. Super walk sa riles ang mga commuters! Every other day! And then Bimb said, “Mooooooooom! Why is this still happening? Tito Noy is no longer the president.” Aray ko!

“Biiiiiiiimb! You’re so mean to your Tito Noy! Hindi niya na fault ‘to! Mag-apologize ka! Now na.”

“’k. Sorry!”

Hindi n’yo naitatanong, super relate ako sa mga commuters. Trust me, I know the feeling! ‘Yong pinasakay ka, ‘tapos kapag ini-enjoy mo na ang lahat, sasabihin sa ‘yo, “We need to stop. Hanggang dito na lang tayo. This isn’t working.”

Ang sakit!

“Mooooooom! Tito Herbert again?! Move on na, ok?”

“Biiiiiiiiiimb!”

“Moooooooom! I said, move on.”

“Fine!”

And then, another lesson we learned: Kung basketball player pala si Harry Roque, kakabugin niya si Vince Carter ng Sacramento Kings. By the way, Carter recently turned 41 and in fairness huh, he’s still very much active! And he can still score. Unlike some palaos na players I know.

“Moooooooom! You’re so bitter! He’s still my dad.”

“Biiiiiiiiimb! I didn’t mention names.”

“Moooooom! I know you. Aminin mo. You’re talking about my dad.”

“Fine!”

Back to Harry Roque. I remember him leading and hosting some protest rallies in and out of UP. Like, he was this brave, principled human rights lawyer who was making laban for the country. So ‘yung pag-360 niya sa issues, malala pa kesa kay Carter. Hindi ko talaga kinaya nang sabihin niyang waste of taxpayers’ money ang pagsama sa rally ng mga taga-UP. SAY WHAT?!?

“And Mom, he also said we needed fake news to know true news.”

“I know, Bimb! Kadiri ‘di ba? Trapong-trapo na talaga every inch of his skin.”

“And that’s a lot of skin, Mom.”

“Biiiiiiimb! That’s bad.”

“But you started it.”

“I didn’t say he’s fat.”

“Did I say fat, Mom? I said, ‘lot of skin.’”

“You’re so good at this Bimb! Kainis ka!

“I’m your son, remember?”

“True!”

1FabFlavius
And lastly, I have to say this, the government can learn a thing or two sa kaso ni Ricci Rivero ng La Salle. I haven’t been following collegiate basketball pero na-shock ako nang bonggang-bongga when I heard na kinick out ng La Salle ‘yung Rivero brothers, and a certain Brent Paraiso. Sorry, ‘di ako familiar sa kanya.

I mean, rules are rules. Kapag may ginawa kang bad o may na-violate ka, you should face the consequences of your actions. Unfortunately sa admin na ito, kapag tanga ka, kapag may mali ka, or worse, kapag pumatay ka, mapu-promote ka pa. Mabibigyan ka pa ng pwesto. ‘Di ba? Nakakaloka.

I’m from Ateneo but I salute La Salle. Kahit medyo tumaas ang kilay ko sa rason ng pagli-leave daw ni Ricci and those two other players, I believe na tama ang ginawa ng school. Fair but sad.

Aminin n’yo! Nanghinayang kayo kay Ricci! Sa other two, ‘di masyado. Aha-ha-ha! Pero kay Ricci, I’m sure concerned na concerned kayo!

“Mooooooooom! Ricci is only 19.”

“Why?!? What did I say?”

“Moooom, it’s obvious. You’re flirting. You’re hitting on him.”

“Biiiiiiiiiimb!”
_________________________________________________________________________________
Proclaim the truth and do not be silent through fear.
~Catherine of Siena

Sound Bites
“In fact, the deaths of 13 of the 14 autopsied (by PAO) were totally unrelated to the vaccine. We urge the Department of Justice to order PAO to stop performing autopsies on these children and to leave the matter of determining the cause of death to competent forensic pathologists.”
~Doctors for Public Welfare

Threat
President Duterte has threatened to kick out UP students who continue to hold protest actions against his administration saying they’re wasting people’s money. How about the people’s money spent on Mocha Uson and Duterte’s keyboard warriors? What do you call that, saving?

‘Wag kami.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Kris Aquino on Instagram; @FabulousFlavius for Ricci Rivero’s photo]





MOCHA USON ON UST-AA AWARD: NALOKA AKO! (EXCLUSIVE!)

23 01 2018

MOCHA

“UNANG-UNA, gusto ko munang magpasalamat sa UST Alumni Association sa award na ito. Noon, Best Dance Album lang mula PMPC ang nakukuha kong award. Ngayon, UST Alumni Association na ang nagpaparangal sa akin. Grabe, I have arrived.

May gusto lang po akong linawin tungkol sa award na ito. Hindi ko po ito inexpect at hindi ko po ito hiningi. Hinangad ko po ito. Prangkahan na.

Aaminin ko rin po, nang kilalanin ng Inquirer si Jover Laurio bilang Filipino of the Year, gumuho ang mundo ko. Isang linggo akong hindi nakakain. Limang araw akong hindi nakatulog at tatlong araw akong hindi nakapag-isip. Baka sabihin n’yo naman, “Sus, tatlong araw lang? Hindi ba isang taon na?” Inunahan ko na kayo. Pakyu.

Sabi ko, “’King inang PAB ‘yan. Naunahan pa akong magka-award! Chaka! Dasal lang, Mocha. Dasal lang talaga, sabi nga ni Alma. Hintay ka lang, darating din ang para sa ‘yo.” At ‘di pa nga lumilipas ang dalawang linggo, dumating na ang pinakahihintay ko: ang Thomasian Alumni Award for Government Service.

GOVERNMENT SERVICE.

Naloka ako.

Naloka ang buong España.

Naloka si Pia Ranada.

Naloka ang mga Dilawan at maging mga Ka-DDS.

Naluka si Suzanne Vega.

Naloka ang natitirang hibla ng katinuan ko.

Pero anong magagawa ko? Blessing ito ni Lord. Ibinigay sa akin ito. Tatanggihan ko ba?

Umalma ang mga estudyante. Nagalit ang mga graduates ng UST. Nainsulto raw ang ilang alumni na una nang tumanggap ng parangal mula sa UST-Alumni Association. Nagbanta silang ibabalik ang tinanggap nilang award.

Pero hindi po ako natinag. Nagpakatatag po ako para kay Tatay Digong.

Hanggang sa mabasa ko ang sinabi ng mga opisyal ng UST-AA. Wala raw talagang set of criteria sa pagpili ng aawardan. Kahit sino raw, basta’t graduate ng UST, puwedeng bigyan ng award.

Napalunok po ako. Matagal ko na itong hindi ginagawa pero napalunok talaga ako.

Ano ‘to?!? Recognition Day sa elementary? Lahat ng bata may “Most” Award para walang umiyak? Most Punctual, Most Courteous, Most Helpful?!?

Inaamin ko po – nasaktan ako. Nanlambot.

Napahiya ako sa aking sarili.
Napahiya ako sa aking pamilya.
Napahiya ako sa aking bansa.
Napahiya ako sa susunod na henerasyon.

Lumuhod ako. Pumikit. Taimtim na nagdasal at humingi ng sign kay Lord kung ibabalik ko o hindi ang award. Naghintay ako… isang minuto, limang minuto, sampung minuto.

Kahit isang sign lang, Lord… PLEASE.

Isang oras akong naghintay pero wala akong natanggap na sign. Sumakit na ang tuhod ko sa pagkakaluhod pero wala talaga. WALA. Ibig sabihin, hindi ko dapat isauli ang award. Tinapos ko ang pagdadasal. Nag-sign of the cross na ako. Pagtayo ko, napautot ako.

Lord, not counted.

Bad trip! Hayyyyy. Labag man sa aking kalooban, susundin ko ang will ni Lord. A sign is a sign. Ngunit sa mga bumabatikos sa akin at sa UST Alumni Association, isa lang ang maipapayo ko sa inyo: ipagdasal n’yong mawala na ang inggit sa inyong mga katawan – lalo na kayong mga Dilawan! Punyeta kayo!

Sa mga Ka-DDS na patuloy na sumusuporta, maraming salamat po! Tuloy ang laban para kay Tatay Digong!

And finally, congratulations din nga pala kay Sir John Simon, ang vice president ng UST Alumni Association na na-appoint kamakailan ni Tatay Digong sa Customs. #GoUSTe

1M

‘Yun lang po. Thank you.”
_______________________________________________________________________________
“People always clap for the wrong reasons.”
~J.D. Salinger

Sound Bites
“You have the right to embrace tyranny and bask on the perks granted the slavish. We will fight for our rights. And we will overcome.”
~Journalist Inday Varona’s reply to Duterte fanatic, Mocha defender, and award-winning writer Rebecca Añonuevo, a UST alum

Resist.

[Photos: The Varsitarian; UST-AA President Henry Tenedero on FB]





BLOGGERS FOR FREEDOM

19 01 2018

STATEMENT: BLOGGERS FOR FREEDOM

We, concerned Filipino bloggers, stand for the rights to free expression and to free speech. And our first responsibility is to protect these rights.

We thus stand with Rappler, its right to exist, the rights of its working journalists and contributors, and the rights of its community of readers.

We stand against moves to silence and scare journalists, bloggers and media practitioners just because the President and his ardent supporters dislike their news and views.

Now is a time for making choices amid battles between truth and lies, debate and dissonance, democracy and dictatorship.

We sign our names here to tell everyone we have made a choice. We are bloggers for freedom.

Noemi Lardizabal-Dado
Tonyo Cruz
Dale Bacar
Marcelle Fabie
Myk Mykapalaran Cruz
Rod Magaru
Ely Valendez
Alex Lapa
Tess Termulo
Zena Bernardo
Jover Laurio
James Romer V. Velina
Ramon Nocon
Flow Galindez
Helga Weber
Mc Richard Viana Paglicawan
Raymond Palatino
Loi Landicho
Saul de Jesus
Karlo Mongaya
Ricky Rivera
Mark Will Mayo Magallanes
Eyriche Cortez
Julius Mariveles
Yusuf Ledesma
RJ Barrete
Dino Manrique
Peachy Tan
Rhadem Camlian Morados
Julius Rocas
Jon Limjap
Markku Seguerra
Jam Ancheta
Estan Cabigas
Enrico Dee
Acee Vitangcol
Stefan Punongbayan
Jesus Falcis
Hancel Reyes
Czarina Maye Noche
JM Mariano
Reginald Agsalon
John Clifford Sibayan
Jane Uymatiao
Johnn Mendoza
Carlos Celdran
Christian Melanie
Jann Medina
Carlo Arvisu
Inday Espina Varona
Eugene Alvin Villar
Melo Villareal
Brian Ong
JM Tuazon
Fritz Tentativa
Fitz Villafuerte
Tina Antonio
Mykel Andrada
Reynaldo Pagsolingan Jr.
Renz Daniel de Vera

Published on January 19, 2018, Black Friday.

For those who wish to sign the statement, please fill out this form.
___________________________________________________________________________________
“If freedom of speech is taken away, then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter.”
~George Washington





EXCLUSIVE: MALACAÑANG’S FULL STATEMENT ON SEC’S RULING VS. RAPPLER

15 01 2018

1rAPPLER

1rAPPLER

RAPPLER: “We will continue bringing you the news, holding the powerful to account for their actions and decisions, calling attention to government lapses that further disempower the disadvantaged. We will hold the line.” Read full statement here.
______________________________________________________________________________
“Whoever would overthrow the liberty of a nation must begin by subduing the freeness of speech.”
~Benjamin Franklin

[Photos: Rappler; Duterte: Ted Aljibe/AFP/Getty Images]





PISTING YAWA!

13 01 2018

1senate
THE FIRST pre-election survey conducted by the Social Weather Stations showed Lito Lapid winning a Senate seat if elections were held today. Lapid is left wondering. How many times does he have to prove he’s unfit for the job?

If elections were held today, even Lito Lapid wouldn’t vote for Lito Lapid.

Jinggoy Estrada, who is facing corruption and plunder charges, also fared well in the survey. Respondents put him in 7th place. Filipinos being Filipinos. They deserve him.

Tough-talking radio host and Duterte defender Erwin Tulfo placed 12th in the SWS survey. Tulfo, known for being foul-mouthed like Duterte fared well not inspite of, but because of it.

Dreaming
Defeated vice presidential candidate Bongbong Marcos, who was also in the Magic 12, said he would not run for senator in 2019 because he “already won as vice president.” In other news, Elvis Presley is still alive; Hitler has been confirmed as the son of Jose Rizal, and a ‘snakeman’ was found inside a fitting room at Robinsons Galleria.

(Mis)Quoting
Bongbong Marcos recently tweeted, “During times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a universal act. – Novelist George Orwell.” Apparently though, Bongbong wrongly attributed the quote to the novelist as pointed out by human rights lawyer Ruben Carranza. Bongbong quickly defended himself saying, “To be fair, ang anak kong si Sandro talaga ang nag-tweet nun.”

Those people handling Bongbong Marcos’s social media accounts should be careful in selecting quotes to post. I mean, a Marcos lecturing Filipinos about truth and deceit??!? How ironic is that?

1normandie
Retiring
Controversial Court of Appeals Justice Normandie Pizzaro is reportedly retiring next month, exactly a year AHEAD of his mandatory retirement. Who is Normandie Pizzaro? He recently penned the CA’s decision acquitting former Palawan Governor Joel Reyes of murder. He also penned the ruling that acquitted Janet Napoles last year as well as the decision junking a Hawaii court’s order to award damages to Martial Law victims. Suddenly, Pizzaro is retiring. Well, he can now afford.

Normandie Pizzaro is retiring as Court of Appeals justice. He penned the ruling which exonerated Joel Reyes and Janet Napoles as well as the decision junking a Hawaii court’s order to compensate Martial Law victims. With these ‘qualifications,’ he could be the next Duterte appointee.

Improving
After meeting with the officials of the Communist Party of China, President Duterte said the bond between the Philippines and China is getting stronger everyday. In fact, it’s now as strong as those illegal Chinese structures in the West Philippine Sea.”

Firing
President Duterte announced he would sack some 70 policemen who are being accused of corruption. Duterte reiterated he wouldn’t tolerate ‘kotong’ cops – unless those cops have killed a certain number of drug suspects.

According to palace spokesperson Harry Roque, “Asahan ninyo po na wala pong sinasanto ang Presidente, wala po iyang kaibigan, walang kaklase, walang kabarilan. Basta ikaw ay palpak, ikaw ay sibak.” To which, Malacañang reporters replied, “Charot!”

1roque
Duterte’s spokesman Harry Roque said, “Asahan ninyo po na wala pong sinasanto ang Presidente.“ When he heard this, Ferdinand Marcos said, “Iba ang sinabi niya sa akin.”

Harry Roque told the press, “Wala pong sinasanto ang Presidente… basta ikaw ay palpak, ikaw ay sibak.” And Martin Andanar was like, “O, ba’t nakatingin kayong lahat sa akin?”

Leveling
Researchers released a study saying President Trump speaks at a fourth-grade level. The researchers then released a statement apologizing to fourth graders.

A new analysis revealed US President Donald Trump has limited vocabulary and speaks like a fourth grader. In comparison, Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte was just a first grader when he learned to speak words like ‘yawa,’ ‘pisti,’ “iyot,’ and ‘pastilan!’ No match.

Surfing
According to Pornhub, Filipinos spent the longest time per visit on the porn site in 2017. Filipinos spent 13 minutes and 28 seconds on the average per day. That’s a lot of f____g. But still, that’s nothing compared to Filipinos who get to watch one another get screwed by government leaders 24/7.
___________________________________________________________________________________
“Elections, for their part, are typically popularity contests rather than measures of candidates’ relative competency or effectiveness.”
~Nathan Paul Myhrvold

1Trump
Sound Bites
“Why are we having all these people from shithole countries come here?”
~Douchebag Donald Trump describing some developing countries like El Salvador, Nicaragua, Haiti, and African nations on the issue of immigration

Racist.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine Senate; Pizzaro: CA Judiciary.gov; Napoles: Inquirer.net; Harry Roque: Inquirer.net; CBS News]





THE ULOL & GAGO NEWS QUIZ

6 01 2018

TRAIN, TAXES, a cursing senator, Mocha Girls, high profile suspects, and more. Are you updated? Take this week’s Current Events Quiz!

1WinPilstar
1: WIN OR LOSE. Tweeting from Nevada, USA, Sherwin Gatchalian, a senator, had an outburst earlier this week. Tinawag nitong “ulol” at “gago” ang ilang netizens na nakasagutan niya sa Twitter. Ano ba ang sinabi ng netizens na  ikinagalit ni Gatchalian?
A: Trapo! Ingrato!
B: Intsik ka kasi kaya sipsip kay Duterte.
C: Kung gaano kaliit ang mata mo, ganun din kaliit ang utak mo! Malamang pati tit* mo!

Answer:
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Letter A: Tinawag siyang trapo at ingrato ng netizens matapos niyang batikusin ang administrasyon ni Noynoy Aquino na dati naman niyang sinusuportahan.

2: NO APOLOGIES. Tumangging humingi ng paumanhin si Sherwin Gatchalian matapos magmura sa Twitter. Katwiran ni Win, bayaran at robot daw ang mga nakasagutan niya. Nag-react naman si Lea Salonga. Ano ang sinabi ni Coach Lea via her Twitter account?
A: “Oh dear. If you can’t handle the heat, get out of the kitchen.”
B: “Your choice of words speaks volumes about your true character.”
C: “If they were robots and you replied to robots, what does that say about you?”

Answer:
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Letter A. Lea added: “Let’s keep all discourses respectful, even when our opinions are contrary to someone else’s.” Word.

3: WANTED. Mocha Uson’s sexy dance group, the Mocha Girls, is looking for new members. Alin sa mga sumusunod ang ipinagbabawal ng grupo sa prospective applicants?
A: Tsismosa, insecure, at inggiterang babae
B: Sex addict
C: Fame whore

Answer:
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All of the above! Ayon sa inilabas na announcement ng grupo, ang mga ‘yan ang kanilang iniiwasan sa aplikante! Wait, were they describing their leader?

4: FREE MAN. Matapos palayain ng Angeles City RTC (na ikinagulat ng PDEA), nabiktima ng fake news si Mark Anthony Fernandez. Ano ang kumalat na tsismis tungkol sa aktor?
A: Nakabuntis ng dalawang jail guards
B: Umaming nagkaroon ng relasyon sa isang bading na inmate
C: Nag-check-in sa isang hotel kasama ang ex-girlfriend na si Claudine Barretto

Answer:
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Letter A. Ayon sa kumalat na fake news, nabuntis daw ni Mark ang dalawang jail guards. His late dad’s manager, Lolit Solis denied the rumor.

1rEYESpHILSTAR
5: FREE MAN 2: Former Palawan governor Joel Reyes, the alleged mastermind in the brutal murder of journalist and environmentalist Dr. Gerry Ortega has also been freed. Aba, nakikiuso! Matapos palayain, ano ang unang ginawa ni Reyes?
A: Tumawag sa Jollibee at nagpa-deliver
B: Tumawag kay President Duterte at nagpasalamat
C: Tumawag kay House Speaker Pantaleon Alvarez para mag-apply sa PDP-Laban

Answer:
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None of the above. Pero ‘yong B & C, hindi imposibleng mangyari.

6: TAX NG INA N’YO. Sa ilalim ng pinag-uusapan ngayong Tax Reform for Acceleration and Inclusion (Train) Law, alin sa mga ito ang totoo:
A: Sa halip na 12 percent, papatawan ng 24 percent tax ang restaurant bill ng employed couple (kasal man o hindi)
B: May 20 percent tax kapag nanalo ka ng more than P10,000 sa lotto at iba pang games ng PCSO
C: Para mas maging affordable ang pagpaparetoke, wala nang babayarang tax ang mga cosmetic surgeons.

Answer:
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Letter B: May tax na ang lotto at iba pang games ng PCSO! So kahit 20,000 lang ang napanalunan mo, katorse mil na lang ang ibibigay sa ‘yo.

7: ASSUMING. Matapos makasama sa tinatawag Magic 12 sa isang senatorial survey, sinabi ni Sara Duterte na payag siyang mapunta sa iba ang slot niya basta’t ____________.
A: “’Wag lang akong inisin ng mga kalaban ni President Duterte.”
B: “’Wag lang akong i-bash sa social media.”
C: “’Wag lang akong topakin. Lagi pa naman akong tinotopak.”

Answer:
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Letter C. “‘Wag lang akong topakin. Lagi pa naman akong tinotopak.” Joooke! The answer is A.

8: NATIONAL ISSUE. “Headline” ngayon si Sunshine Cruz matapos “pagpiyestahan” ang kanyang Instagram photo kung saan kita ang kanyang:
A: Kaliwang nipple
B: Maputing butt crack o kuyukot
C: Maputing kilikili

Answer:
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Letter C. Dahil ito ang solusyon sa tumataas na halaga ng bilihin, ibinalita ng ilang news outlets ang “flawless” daw na kilikili ni Sunshine Cruz!

9: CONSISTENT. Mula nang pumasok ang 2018, ilang beses nang nasisira ang MRT 3 (As of Saturday, January 6)?
A: Tatlo. MWF. At least may sked na. Sanayan lang.
B: Siyam na. Ganun talaga. Magtaka kayo kapag ‘di nasira. ‘Yun ang nakakatakot.
C: Isang beses pa lang naman. Grabe naman kayo. Napaka-nega. Inaano ba kayo ng MRT!?

Answer:
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Letter B. Siyam na. At least consistent. Gusto yatang i-break ang more than 500 glitches na naitala last year.

10: ACCEPTED. Tinanggap na ni Pangulong Duterte ang pagbibitiw sa tungkulin ni Pulong Duterte. Ano raw ang sinabi ng pangulo matapos tanggapin ang resignation ng kanyang panganay?
A: Mag-focus ka na lang sa smuggling………… Juk lang!
B: Tumakbo ka na lang miyor ‘pag sinador na si Inday Sara.
C: Sa’n ka na ngayon kukuha ng pantustos sa luho ng anak mo? Sa triad? Juk lang ulit.

Answer:
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None of the above. Pwede rin namang “All of the above.” Juk lang.

1FireandFury
Bonus Question:
TELL-ALL. Lumabas na ang eksplosibong aklat na ‘Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House’ ng American journalist na si Michael Wolff. Former Trump strategist Steve Bannon, who was quoted in the book, said some members of the First Family believe, “The first woman president would not be Hillary Clinton; it would be ________.” Sino raw?
A: Ivanka Trump
B: Melania Trump
C: Kellyanne Conway

Answer:
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The answer is Letter D. Sandra Cam. Juk lang. It’s A. Ivanka Trump! According to Bannon, Ivanka sees herself running for the highest seat in the land. Sara Duterte, ikaw ba ‘yan?

Did you do well?
9-10 pts.: You are awesome.
7-8: Good!
5-6: Ang lakas ng tsamba.
4 and below: Where have you been bitch?
___________________________________________________________________________
“The measure of a man is what he does with power.”
~Plato

Sound Bites
“Shortly after 8 p.m. on Election Night, when the unexpected trend — Trump might actually win — seemed confirmed, Don Jr. told a friend that his father, or DJT, as he calls him, looked as if he had seen a ghost. Melania was in tears — and not of joy.”
~Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House

Be careful what you wish for.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Win Gatchalian: PhilStarNews; Joel Reyes: Philippine Star; Book: TheNet.ng]





2018: MGA HULA AT BABALA

29 12 2017

HERE’S what’s in store for you in 2018 – Year of the Dog. Happy New Year everyone!

1RatRAT: 2008, 1996, 1984, 1972, 1960
Kung hindi ka mag-iingat, mahuhulihan ka ng droga sa kalagitnaan ng taon. Kung mahirap ka at hindi kilala, mabubulok ka sa kulungan. Kung artista ka at sikat ang angkan, wala kang problema: madidismis ang iyong kaso. Pero hindi pa huli ang lahat. Kung ikaw ay mahirap, may time ka pang pasukin ang showbiz. Good luck!

Health: Mag-reduce.
Love: Wala ka pa ring swerte. Manalamin.

1OxOX: 2009, 1997, 1985, 1973, 1961
Wala pa ring pagbabago sa iyo sa darating na taon. Mas magiging aktibo ka pa nga sa pamba-bash sa social media. Ang cheap mo talaga!

Health: Sukatin ang waistline. Ihanda ang sarili sa matutuklasan.
Love: Kung hindi na kayo masaya sa isa’t isa, you both deserve it.

1Ti
TIGER: 2010, 1998, 1986, 1974, 1962
Ilang beses kang mali-late sa trabaho dahil tuwing sasakay ka sa MRT, masisiraan ito. Mapipilitan kang tanungin ang sarili mo – Sino ba talagang malas: ako o ang gobyerno?

Health: Walking is good for your body. Sa ayaw mo man o sa gusto, mapapadalas ang paglalakad mo –  sa riles ng tren.
Love: Kung hindi ka na happy, let go. Sayang lang ang gastos mo.

1RabbitRABBIT: 2011, 1999, 1987, 1975, 1963
Sisikat ka ngayong 2018. Magti-trend ang isang video kung saan makikitang minumura mo ang nakagitgitang taxi driver.

Health: Magpa-check ng BP regularly.
Love: Mabait lang talaga siya sa ‘yo. Hanggang doon lang ‘yon. Huwag bigyang-kulay.

1DragDRAGON: 2012, 2000, 1988, 1976, 1964
Ito ang luckiest sign. Ngayong 2018, lalo kang susuwertehin kung magpapalagay ka ng dragon tattoo sa iyong likod. Makipagkaibigan sa mga taong ang pangalan ay ‘Paolo,’ ‘Charlie, ‘Tan,’ ‘Kenneth, ‘Dong,’ ‘Peter,’ ‘Lim,’ o ‘Nani’ upang kumita nang malaki.

Health: Huwag araw-arawin ang ‘cheat day.’
Love: Ilang years ka nang single, ‘di ka pa ba sanay?!

1SNSNAKE: 2013, 2001, 1989, 1977, 1965
Palihim kang pag-uusapan ng iyong Facebook friends dahil lagi kang nag-shi-share at nagla-like ng fake news ng mga pro-Duterte bloggers.  Huwag gullible. [Para mas harsh: Huwag tanga.]

Health: Kumunsulta sa psychologist.
Love: Mas masaya ka kung nag-iisa. ‘Yan ang totoo.

1HORHORSE: 2014, 2002, 1990, 1978, 1966
Posibleng masangkot ka sa anomalya sa iyong opisina. Pero ‘wag mag-alala. Kung sa Duterte government ka nagtatrabaho, baka ilipat ka lang sa ibang pwesto. ‘Wag mawalan ng pag-asa.

Health: Hindi nakakabawas ng timbang ang pagpisil sa stress ball. Mag-exercise ka!
Love: Be the one that got away. Maiba naman.

1shpGOAT: 2015, 2003, 1991, 1979, 1967
Matapos mag-Starbucks, mawawala ka for 48 hours. Walang maghahanap sa ‘yo.

Health: Hindi uubra ang “After 6” diet sa ‘yo kung maghapon ka namang lumalamon.
Love: Ipa-check-up ang puso mo. Pagod na pagod na kasi ito sa katitibok sa taong hindi naman pumapansin sa ‘yo.

1monkMONKEY: 2016, 2004, 1992, 1980, 1968
Maganda ang pasok ng taon. Dahil sa nilagdaang Tax Reform for Acceleration and Inclusion (TRAIN) Law, tataas ang sweldo. Ang bad news: wala ka pa ring trabaho. Dasal lang. Dasal lang talaga.

Health: Ok sana ang ginagawa mong pagtakbo. ‘Yun nga lang, laging sa ref ang punta mo.
Love: Mag-focus na lang sa mga pamangkin. At least, they’ll love you back.

1roosROOSTER: 2017, 2005, 1993, 1981, 1969
Malaki ang posibilidad na mapaaway ka na naman sa social media dahil sa iyong pananaw sa pulitika. Bawasan ang pagiging patola.

Health: Huwag magbasa ng online comments para hindi ma-stress.
Love: Makikilala mo na finally ang taong mamahalin mo. Ang tanong: mamahalin ka kaya niya?

1DogDOG: 2018, 2006, 1994, 1982, 1970
Makakahanap ka ng trabaho ngayong 2018. Aalukin kang maging keyboard warrior ng Duterte government. In short, troll. Nasa sa ‘yo na kung alin ang pipiliin mo: pera o prinsipyo.

Health: Kapansin-pansin talaga ang double chin mo. ‘Di ka ba naco-conscious?
Love: Darating din ‘yan. Siguro, mga 12 years pa. Be patient.

1PigPIG: 2019, 2007, 1995, 1983, 1971
Mag-aaway kayo sa social media ng iyong ama. Feeling mo, ito na ang chance mong makilala ng masa. Pero walang papansin sa away n’yong dalawa. Sabihin mo sa tatay mo, maging vice mayor o drug smuggler muna siya.

Health: Hindi ka tumataba dahil sa suot mong shirt. Mataba ka lang talaga. Mag-diet.
Love: Matagal na siyang nakapag-move on. Ikaw kaya, kailan?
____________________________________________________________________________________
“The best way to predict the future is to create it.”
~Peter Drucker

724RapplerPutangIna
Sound Bites
“Duterte has made a mockery of rule of law in his country. While he is not your typical corrupt leader, he has empowered corruption in an innovative way. His death squads have allegedly focused on criminals but, in fact, are less discriminating. He has empowered a bully-run system of survival of the fiercest. In the end, the Philippines is more corrupt, more cruel, and less democratic.”
~Organized Crime and Corruption Reporting Project on its decision to name Duterte ‘Person of the Year’

Congratulations!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte: Inquirer.net; Animal Signs: Travel China Guide]





SANTA CLAUS RESIGNS (ALMOST!)

26 12 2017

00sana
Good morning!

Bago pa man pumasok ang taong 2017 ay binalak ko nang ihayag ang isang malaking desisyon sa buhay ko. Naghintay ako ng halos isa pang taon upang ipaalam ito sa inyo.

Ginawa ko ang aking tungkulin nitong nakaraang mga araw. Pinasaya ko ang maraming bata sa iba’t ibang panig ng mundo: namahagi ako ng mga laruan, sumayaw ako sa kanilang harapan, at nakipag-selfie sa napakaraming pamilya. Nakatataba ng pusong makita ang matatamis nilang mga ngiti.

Noong mismong araw ng Pasko, inihanda ko na ang sarili ko. Ihahayag ko na ang planong pagbibitiw sa aking mabigat na tungkulin. Sa totoo lang, hindi birong maglakbay sa mga bahay-bahay, magbuhat ng mabibigat na kahon ng regalo at lumusot sa masikip at maduming chimney (‘Tong taba kong ito, isipin n’yo na lang ang hirap na dinadanas ko). Ilang taon ko nang ginagawa ang mga bagay na ito. Pagod na pagod na ako. Kailangan ko nang magpahinga.

Ngunit habang naghahanda sa pagsasapubliko ng aking desisyon, may nang-agaw ng eksena. Nagbitiw din siya. Inunahan niya ang announcement ko. Kesyo kailangan daw niyang protektahan ang kanyang karangalan. As if pinilit natin siyang makipag-away sa kanyang anak sa social media. Kesyo bata pa raw ay tinuruan na siya ng kahalagahan ng delicadeza. Isa pang as if! Kaya pala kasa-kasama niya sa mga parties at events ang mga taong isinasangkot sa smuggling ng bilyun-bilyong pisong halaga ng shabu shipment.

Muntik ko nang maibato ang isang kahon ng regalo sa mukha ng isang bata nang mabasa ko ang reaksyon ni Tito Sotto. He was in his usual ‘Tito Sotto’ self. Sabi niya, “He deserves our respect.” Ho-ho-ho-ly sh*t! Also, muntik ko na ring itumba ang katabi kong Christmas tree nang ilarawan ni JV Ejercito ang pagbibitiw bilang, “ultimate sacrifice.” P*tang i*a! For the first time, napamura ako.

‘Di hamak namang mas malaking sakripisyo ang ginagawa ko ‘no! In fact, dahil sa pagiging philanthropist, minsan na rin akong nag-No. 1 sa listahan ng Forbes ng “richest fictional characters.” Pero nagreklamo ako sa Forbes! Tawagin ba naman akong “fictional!” Milyun-milyong bata ang nasaktan nang mabasa nila ang article. So ang ginawa ko, pinatunayan ko sa Forbes na hindi ako fictional. Pumirma ako ng bank waiver. At ipinakita ko ang aking reindeer tattoo sa likod!

Isang Pasko na naman ang lumipas. Na-realize ko, bakit ako magre-resign ngayon eh nagawa ko naman ang promises ko sa mga bata?  Hindi ako nagyabang na in three to six months, I will deliver. Ang sabi ko kasi, in 12 months. At natupad ko ‘yun. Without extension! Ang dapat mag-resign, ‘yong puro promises!

Siguro sa Dec. 25, 2018 ko na lang itutuloy ang pagbibitiw… unless, may mang-agaw na naman ng eksena at unahan ako sa announcement. Malay natin.

Ho-ho-ho!
______________________________________________________________________________________
“All good drama has two movements, first the making of the mistake, then the discovery that it was a mistake.”
~W.H. Auden

Sound Bites
“When a president often brags about his penchant for violence, when he urges police to kill drug suspects — and they do — it can be hard to tell boastful fiction from bloody fact.”
~The Washington Post

Mismo.

[Photos: Paolo Duterte: ABS-CBN News]





EXCLUSIVE! DUTERTE’S CHRISTMAS MESSAGE

20 12 2017

Christmas Message
of
Rodrigo Roa Duterte
President of the Philippines

[Taped last December 20, 2017 at the Rizal Ceremonial Hall, Malacañan Palace]

Untitled
Mga kababayan,

Sandali. Hindi ko na lang basahin ‘tong speech. Pakahaba ng put*ng i*a. Sabihin ko na lang ang gusto kong Xmas message sa kanila. Ba’t ba may speech-speech na prepared pa? Pwede namang magsalita na lang ako. Makinig na lang kayo. Ganito!

Sabi ko noong isang taon, ‘pag ‘di ko nahinto ang druga sa loob ng anim na buwan, mag-resign man ako. After more than one year, may druga pa rin. So anong gawin ko? Mag-resign ako? No way! Hindi ko ugaling mang-iwan sa iri. Kaya galit na galit ang mga dilaw kasi hindi ako nag-resign. Bakit kayo magagalit? Sa inyo ba ako nangako? Naniwala ba kayo sa promise ko? Hindi naman ah. Ang naniwala man sa promises ko eh ang 16 million na voters ko. Kaya sila lang ang dapat magalit kung ‘di ko natupad ang pangako ko. Eh hindi nga sila nagagalit so inis na inis ang dilawan. Mamatay kayo sa inggit.

Ba’t ko sinasabi ito? Kasi ngayong Pasko, marami na naman d’yang ninong at ninang na nag-promise magregalo sa inaanak. Promise ng ganito, ganyan. Pero dahil walang pira, walang regalo sa araw ng Pasko. Tapos magtatampo ang magulang ng bata kasi umasa ang anak niya. Tang ina! Ba’t kayo magagalit? May patago ba kayo? Kung magbigay ang ninong, salamat. Kung hindi magbigay, manahimik kayo mga gago!

Kagabi, narinig kong binasahan man ng istorya ni Sara si Stonefish, ‘yong apo ako. Christmas story. Sabi sa kwento, masama raw si Haring Herodes kasi ipinapatay niya ang mga bata sa Jerusalem. Nag-init man ang ulo ko. Sabi ko kay Sara, “Inday, ang bata-bata pa ni Stonefish, tinuruan mo agad ng kasinungalingan. Siniraan mo pa si Herodes.”

Makinig kayo mga Kristiyano, lalo na kayong mga Katoliko. Ang dapat na ginawa n’yo – inalam n’yo muna ang panig ni Herodes. Hindi ‘yong husga agad kayo nang husga kahit ‘di n’yo pa naririnig ang panig nung tao! Baka naman justified ang pagpatay niya sa mga bata noong panahong ‘yon. Bago kayo mag-conclude, magtanong muna kayo mga tarantado!

Bakit ko sinasabi ito? Eh kasi, ‘yang putang inang UN na ‘yan ‘tsaka ‘yang Amnesty International at kung anu-anong pisting human rights-human rights groups na nakikialam sa aking gobyerno, wala nang ginawa kundi magbintang; bumatikos! Hidline sa diyaryo nila sa Amerika, ‘Duterte cops kill children,” “Duterte death squads murder slum dwellers.” Putang ina n’yo. Lamunin n’yo ang human rights n’yo. I will not allow drug addicts to ruin the lives of my people. If I had to kill them myself, I’ll do it just to protect the Filipinos.

Mabalik ako kay Herodes. Baka nakakalimutan n’yong siya ang hari noon! May karapatan siyang gawin anumang gusto n’ya. Parang presidente lang ‘yan. Kung ayaw n’yo sa ginagawa ko, eh ‘di tang ina, kayo na dito sa pwesto ko. Akala n’yo gusto kong maging presidente? ‘Pag ako nabwisit, mag-resign talaga ako. Iwanan ko man kayo d’yan! Tingnan natin kung ano mangyari sa inyo. Tang ina. ‘Tsaka bago n’yo pag-initan si Haring Herodes, pag-initan n’yo muna ang haring dilawan na bumili ng Dengvaxia vaccine! Mas maraming bata ang mamamatay dahil dun. Gago!

Ilang araw na lang Pasko na. Sana malipol man ‘yong mga inggitero. Bakit ko nasabi ‘to? Eh kasi pati pagpapa-picture ng aking apo, ginawang isyu. Tang ina. Bago kayo mag-ambisyon ng photo shoot sa palasyo, maging apo muna kayo ng pangulo, tangna nyu!

Untitled
Galawin n’yo nang lahat, awayin n’yo nang lahat, ‘wag lang ang pamilya ko! Pisting yawa kayo! Si Pulong, ayaw pa ring tigilan sa isyu ng smuggling! Nasaan ang ebidensya n’yo? Si Pulong pinag-iinitan n’yo pero sina Joseph at Mary, ok lang? Tatahimik-tahimik kayo! O, bakit? ‘Di ba sabi sa Bible, pagkapanganak kay Hesus sa Jerusalem, palihim itong dinala nina Jose at Maria sa Egypt? ‘Di ba smuggling ng bata ‘yun? Bago kayo magmalinis – lalo na kayong mga paring Katoliko, alamin n’yo muna ang history n’yo mga gago!

Sa mga rape joke ko, galit na galit kayo – pero ang mga bastos na kanta n’yo ‘pag Pasko, pinapatugtog n’yo pa! Tang ina! O, bakit? ‘Yong mommy na nakikipaghalikan kay Santa Claus, gawain ba ng matinong babae ‘yon? Gawain ni De Lima ‘yun! May asawang tao tapos lumalandi sa ibang lalaki! At ‘tsaka ‘yang si Santa Claus, hindi ba stalker ‘yan?!? He knows when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake. ‘Yan ang dapat n’yong katakutan at hindi ang mga pulis ko! ‘Wag na ‘wag lang dadaan sa tapat ng bahay namin ‘yan, itumba ko talaga ‘yang matandang ‘yan.

Sa Lunes, pangalawang Pasko na tayong magkakasama. Siguro itatanong ng mga dilawan, “Bakit? Ano bang nagawa mo na?” Sira-ulo ang mga walanghiya. ‘Di ba sila nagbibilang? Lampas 13,000 na yata! Dadagdagan pa natin ’yan next year. Human rights, human rights, ipakain ko sa inyo ang human rights n’yo! Fuck you.

O, sino ‘yang sumisenyas sa likod? Bakit?!? Mahaba na ba? Ano ‘yang sinisenyas mo? Dalawang minuto? Gago. Wala naman kayong sinabing two minutes lang ‘to!

Nalimutan ko pala… kay De Lima, baka sabihin mo naman napakasama kong tao. Padalhan na lang kita ng fruit cake sa driver ko. ‘Tang ina, wag mong galawin ang driver ko, matanda na ‘yon ‘day! At kay Sereno, pasalamat ka’t bakasyon na ang mga tuta ko sa Kongreso. Magdasal-dasal ka na ngayong Pasko! Balikan kita sa Enero.

Merry Christmas sa inyong lahat. At ‘wag kayong mag-alala, hangga’t nandito ako sa pwesto, lalabanan nating lahat ang druga. Druga. Druga. Druga.

At higit sa lahat, druga! ‘Tang ina!
________________________________________________________________________________

“Killing people isn’t progress.”
~Athan Fletcher, ‘The Swordsman and The Priestess’

Sound Bites
“He has proven to be a partisan investigator driven by hubris and scornful of his colleagues, whose entirely avoidable mistakes become the administration’s too. The majority should consider replacing him.”
~Editorial, ‘Flush Gordon’

Elsewhere
Investigative Report: The Boys From Davao (Reuters)
This is Police Station 6 in Quezon City, part of the Philippines’ sprawling capital. Officers here killed 108 people in the first year of President Rodrigo Duterte’s drug war, making it Quezon City’s deadliest station. Leading its drug squad were police from Duterte’s distant hometown. They lived on the roof and called themselves the “Davao Boys.”

[Photo: Duterte: Inquirer.net; Duterte 2: Rappler]





MASS MURDER, MARTIAL LAW, MALACAÑANG & OTHER STORIES

16 12 2017

FOR THE second time in the last five months, a party-list representative from Sulu – identified in the news as Shernee Tan proposed the declaration of martial law nationwide. When Duterte heard this, he texted Tan and asked, “Sa’n mo ba gustong ma-appoint?”

1TAN
According to party-list representative Shernee Tan, Congress must expand martial law in Luzon and the Visayas because of the presence of Communist rebels. If approved, Tan would next propose the declaration of martial law in Utrecht, The Netherlands.

Defense Secretary Delfin Lorenzana says it is not advisable to declare martial law in the Visayas and Luzon since CPP-NPA operations in those areas are “manageable.” Unlike Shernee Tan’s state of mind.

1SyjucoRappler
Mass Murder
Former TESDA chief Augusto Syjuco Jr. has filed mass murder and plunder charges against former president Noynoy Aquino in connection with the Dengvaxia vaccine controversy. When Duterte saw this in the news, he told Syjuco, “Isa-isa lang, hinahanapan ko pa ng puwesto si Shernee Tan.”

Former TESDA chief  Augusto Syjuco Jr. went to the Ombudsman’s office Friday and filed “mass murder” charges against former president Noynoy Aquino. Again, MASS MURDER! Syjuco is starting to worry though because his evidence – the “murder” victims, are still alive.

Syjuco & The Ombudsman
Syjuco: Madam Ombudsman, kakasuhan ko si Noynoy Aquino!

Ombudsman: Anong kaso?

Syjuco: Plunder tapos mass murder!

Ombudsman: May ibinulsa ba?

Syjuco: Hindi ko alam.

Ombudsman: May mga namatay ba?

Syjuco: Hindi ko rin alam.

Ombudsman: Eh ‘yong term na TANGA, alam mo?

Syjuco:

Ombudsman: Nagtatanong lang!

* * * * *

Syjuco: Madam Ombudsman, kakasuhan ko si Noynoy Aquino ng mass murder!

Ombudsman: Ok.

Syjuco: Kakasuhan ko rin siya ng plunder!

Ombudsman: Ok.

Syjuco: Kakasuhan ko siya ng mass murder at plunder.

Ombudsman: Ok. May ebidensya ka ba?

Syjuco: Ako na nga ang bahala sa kaso, pati ba naman ebidensya ako pa rin?!?

Ombudsman:

Syjuco: Tanong ho ‘yon. Nagtatanong lang din.

* * * * *

Syjuco: Madam Ombudsman, kakasuhan ko si Noynoy Aquino ng plunder!

Ombudsman: Ok.

Syjuco: Kakasuhan ko rin siya ng mass murder!

Ombudsman: Ok.

Syjuco: Mabibigat na kaso ’yan: plunder at mass murder.

Ombudsman: Ok. Nasaan ang ebidensya?

Syjuco: Kayo na ang maghanap, trabaho n’yo na yun.

Ombudsman: Ano ngang pangalan mo?

Syjuco: Augusto Syjuco.

Ombudsman: Akala ko Larry Gadon.

Syjuco:

Ombudsman: Sure kang ‘di ka si Larry Gadon?

1debutjeffgalang
Photo Shoot
Paolo ‘Pulong’ Duterte’s daughter, Isabelle had a pre-debut photo shoot in Malacañang Palace no less! A glam team was invited to do the shoot. Rumors say Isabelle’s upcoming debut party has a budget of P6.4B.

Less than a month ago, the daughter of Duterte supporter, Robin Padilla was baptized at the Malago Clubhouse in Malacañang with President Duterte as ninong. Binyag. Birthday. And lest we forget, Malacañang has been promoting ‘libing’ since Duterte took office. #EventsPlace

In Other News…
Bureau of Customs collector Vincent Philip Maronilla who was implicated by PDEA in the smuggling of a shabu shipment worth P6.4B has been appointed by President Duterte as Customs district collector at the Ninoy Aquino International Airport. Maronilla thanked the President for the promotion and promised that he would be extra careful next time – for himself, his family, and Pulong Duterte.
————————————————————————————————————————————–
“There’s money, and then there’s class. The two are often separated.”
~Kate Jacobs

Sound Bites
“The purpose was there. We’re just using each other, and I was using them.”
~Rodrigo Duterte on the Philippine Communist Movement

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Sheree Tan: Philippine Star ; Augusto Syjuco: Rappler; Isabelle Duterte: Jeff Galang]





THE READER

9 12 2017

GOVERNMENT-PAID “blogger” Mocha Uson recently posted a photo of herself reading, and surrounded by books. The set of law books was apparently a gift from DPWH Sec. Mark Villar. Netizens had fun mocking what they believed was a “staged” photo session. Staged or not, the picture is definitely meme-worthy.

1Brillante

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1LordDigong

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1LarrGadon

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1MarkVillar2

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1Dengvaxia

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1MamaPapa.jpg

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1RoevWade

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1Staged

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1KamaSutra

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1MissU

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1MMDA
In Other News…
Reporters slammed MMDA asst. manager for planning Jojo Garcia for joking about killing journalists who wrote “nega” articles about the agency. Garcia reportedly said, “Nasaan na ‘yong kuwarenta’y singko (.45 caliber) ko? Ipatokhang natin ‘yan.” Offended reporters described Garcia’s joke as “tasteless,” “insensitive” and “very presidential.”

Rewarded
Controversial former jueteng bagman-turned-whistleblower Sandra Cam has been appointed by President Duterte to the  board of government cash-cow, PCSO. When she heard this, Vivian Velez was like, “What else should I do? Kulang pa ba?”

Speed Limit
From 60kph, the Metro Manila Development Authority has reduced the “speed limit” on EDSA to 50kph. Which begs the question, why the need to impose a speed limit on a parking lot?

Yes, the MMDA has set the speed limit on EDSA at 50kph. You know what else do we need? A stupidity limit in government offices.
________________________________________________________________________________
“Society has become so fake that the truth actually bothers people.”
~Chanda Kaushik

Sound Bites
“These silence breakers have started a revolution of refusal, gathering strength by the day, and in the past two months alone, their collective anger has spurred immediate and shocking results: nearly every day, CEOs have been fired, moguls toppled, icons disgraced.”
~TIME on The Silence Breakers, Person of the Year

Well-deserved.

[Photos: Mocha Uson Facebook; MMDA Jojo Garcia: Rambo Talabong/Rappler]





ONE BIG FIGHT

4 12 2017

1Ateneo
CONGRATULATIONS to the Ateneo Blue Eagles for winning the UAAP Season 80 men’s basketball title. In the next few days, expect to see them in news programs and other TV shows in major local and cable networks. And don’t be surprised if Duterte fanatic Sass Sasot starts questioning why those players from “a very minor league” are being invited as guests.

It was a see-saw battle between La Salle and Ateneo in the second half of Game 3. In the end though, the Ateneo Blue Eagles prevailed, 88-86. The fight was so close Bongbong Marcos thought DLSU should consider filing a protest.

1Joaqui
While Thirdy Ravena was named Finals MVP, it was big man Isaac Go’s clutch shooting that generated more buzz. He sort of SAVED Ateneo with his end-game heroics – doing it thrice starting with that booming trey in the Final 4 match against FEU. The Duterte government badly needs an Isaac Go. Unfortunately, it could only give us a Bong Go.

The Ateneo Blue Eagles have won. They ruled the UAAP men’s basketball. They’re on top. Rumors say some Ateneo fanatics are pushing for a revolutionary team to win more titles.

The do-or-die game between La Salle and Ateneo was another epic thriller. Basketball fans absolutely loved it. The only thing I hated about the finals was…. UP’s not playing.

1the guidon
Businessman Manny V. Pangilinan, Ateneo’s No. 1 supporter, is reportedly giving each member of the championship team an iPhone X. On behalf of the team, Thirdy Ravena thanked MVP, and promised to not use “Viber too much” like his Kuya Kiefer.

The De La Salle Green Archers have been dethroned. Some are blaming Coach Aldin Ayo. Others say it’s the foul trouble. And some fans are blaming Pia Wurtzbach.

Green Archer Ricci Rivero was quoted to have said, “Siguro will ni God na nanalo sila. Di kami nag-pray na sana manalo. Nag-pray kami na whatever happens, sana ‘yong will ni Papa Jesus ang mangyari.” When sought for confirmation, God said, “Nanisi pa ang batang ‘to. ’Pag talo, talo.”

On Twitter, former Ateneo Blue Eagle Chris Tiu said, “That Isaac Go shot was blessed by St. Francis Xavier, whose feast we celebrate today & patron of Xavier School where Isaac went to HS.” Even St. Francis Xavier was like, “Sige, kunek pa more!”

1dlsu
In a display of sportsmanship, the façade of the St. La Salle Building at the DLSU campus was decked in blue lights on Sunday night after the game. Classy! Next year, that building will turn maroon.

Meanwhile… the Adamson Pep Squad pulled off an upset when it dethroned five-peat seeking NU Pep Squad and beating traditional powerhouses UP Pep Squad and FEU Cheering Squad in the 2017 UAAP Cheerdance Competition. UP’s lackluster performance resulted in the squad’s worst finish in the annual contest. They only placed 6th. Another “schadenfreude moment” for Sara Duterte.

In Other News…
According to the latest SWS survey, the number of Filipinos who considered themselves “poor” increased by three percent in the third quarter of 2017 — prompting President Duterte to doubt the success of the PNP’s Oplan Tokhang.

“Laos”
Following the government’s termination of the peace talks with the CPP-NPA-NDF, presidential spokesman Harry Roque slammed the Communist movement saying, “Passé na at out of tune na ang ipinaglalaban ng CPP-NPA. Laos na ‘yan.” Offended, CPP-NPA founder Jose Maria Sison immediately drafted a counter-statement using his typewriter.
__________________________________________________________________________________
“Win without boasting. Lose without excuse.”
~Albert Payson Terhune

Sound Bites
“Iniwan na nga sila ng China. Kapitalista na ‘yung mga idol nila sa bansa ni Mao Tse Tung. Laos na ‘yan. Kailangan mag-move on na din sila.”
~Harry Roque on the CPP-NPA

“It will NOT be a ‘revolution’ starting a ‘revolutionary government’ the likes started by Bonifacio, Mandela, Gandhi, Cory Aquino, Washington, Bolivar, Sun Yat Sen, all coming from the outside to change the rottenness from within. It will be a scheming take-over the likes started by Hitler, Mussolini, Tojo and Marcos, people already in the corridors of power wanting more power to rule and not to serve. That is plain despotism.”
~Dean Mel Sta Maria at the University of the Philippines School of Economics Auditorium (Nov. 30) speaking before students coming from all over Metro Manila.

Indeed.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: ADMU: Mark Demayo/ABSCBN News; Isaac Go: Joaqui Flores/Tiebreaker Times; Thirdy Ravena: The Guidon; DLSU: The La Sallian]





IN A HARRY

26 11 2017

HARRY ROQUE, a human rights lawyer-turned-Duterte defender & apologist and potential PDP-Laban candidate for senator took an LRT and MRT ride recently. TV cameras showed him buying a ticket bound for 2019.

Describing his experience, Harry Roque said, “It’s cold and I like it.” The only thing colder was the treatment he got from the other passengers.

1Harry Roque

Exclusive: Transcript of Harry Roque’s conversations with commuters

Harry Roque : O Kuya, napansin ko pagpasok ko ng tren, nakangiti ka. Ok ba ang biyahe mo?

Passenger: It was! Until you came.

Roque:

Passenger:

Roque: O, lipat naman tayo kay Ate sa harap. Ate, kumusta?

* * * * *

Roque: Manong, kumusta ang biyahe natin?

Passenger: Heto, nakatayo na naman. Akala ko nga kanina makakaupo na ako kasi nauna naman ako sa pila. Eh biglang may mga guwardiyang humawi sa amin dahil may ini-escortan yatang kung sinong VIP. ‘Tang inang ‘yon, abala sa biyahe. Nakita mo ba kung sino ‘yon?

Roque: Naku! Hindi eh.

Passenger: Pasalamat siya at ‘di ko nakita ang pagmumukha niya. Kung hindi, duduraan ko talaga siya.

Roque:

Passenger: At babalyahin paglabas!

Roque: Manong, dito ka na. Palit na tayo ng puwesto. Bababa na pala ako sa next station.

2Harry Roque

Roque: In fairness, wala namang aberya. Hindi na masama. Ang lamig pa. Wait, si Kuya si likod, nagtataas ng kamay.

Passenger: Sir, Levy Jamora ho, tubong Masbate. Ang unang tanong ko

Roque: Teka, what do you mean “unang tanong?”

Passenger: Ay! Hindi ho ba presscon ito? Naghakot kasi kayo ng reporters eh.

Roque:

Passenger: Pa-selfie na lang ho. Pwede?

* * * * *

Roque: Hi Ma’am! Kumusta po?

Passenger: Anong kumusta?!?! Punyeta ka. Magpapapogi ka rin lang, nagsama ka pa ng bodyguards at sangkaterbang reporters! Alam mo ba kung gaano kahirap sumakay ng tren leche ka?! Forty-five minutes kaming naghintay tapos aagawan n’yo pa ng space eh siksikan na nga. Gamitin mo naman ang utak mo! Akala mo ba iboboto kita sa 2019? Ulol! Tae ka sa balota ko. Wala kang maaasahang boto sa amin gago!

Roque: Grabe. Ang daming sinabi, nangumusta lang naman ako.

Passenger: May ibinubulong ka d’yan?!?

Roque: Ang sabi ko ho, next time, ‘di na ako mangungumusta! #imbernadettesembrano #ynezveneracion #bwisethrogen #missuniverse #philippines

* * * * *

Roque: Hi Ate. Ganda naman ng bag mo. Anyway, ano sa tingin mo ang dapat gawin ng gobyerno para maiwasan ang araw-araw na hassle n’yo sa pagsakay sa tren?

Passenger: Dapat ho yata bawat pasahero may bodyguards tapos napapaligiran ng reporters.

Roque:

Passenger: Aminin mo, effective! Nakaupo ka pa nga ‘di ba?

* * * * *

Roque: Ale, kumusta ho ang pagsakay n’yo sa MRT?

Passenger: Uy!!! Familiar ang buhok mo Sir! Sino ka nga ba?

Roque: Guess.

Passenger: Secretary Aguirre?

Roque: Gaga! Hindi!

Passenger: Juana Change?

Roque: Excuse me!

Passenger: Ang hirap naman. Wala bang clue?

Roque: My name starts with H!

Passenger: Ahhhhh! Humpty Dumpty!

Roque: Puta ka. Not funny. Name calling ‘yan.

Passenger: H ‘di ba?

Roque: Yes. ‘Tsaka R.

Passenger: H at R? Tama! Ikaw nga! Hodor!

Roque:

Passenger: Ay! Cubao na pala. Sige ho.

pac
Reports say a “fed up” Manny Pacquiao mulls quitting politics. In response, ‘politics’ said, “I can’t wait.”

A dismayed and discouraged Manny Pacquiao was quoted to have said, “In politics, you wouldn’t know what’s real or not. ” Ironically, he utters the same thing whenever he stares at his wife, Jinkee.
_______________________________________________________________________________
“Know that the amount of criticism you receive may correlate somewhat to the amount of publicity you receive.”
~Donald Rumsfeld

Sound Bites
“Indeed, the scriptwriters and show runners of the Sereno impeachment complaint must surely now realize that Gadon is the problem. This is the same person who, in a television interview, claimed outrageously that the solution to the peace problem in Mindanao was the extermination of Muslim Filipinos. He used the phrase ‘burahin ang lahi,’ or erase their race.”
~Inquirer Editorial, Gadon wasting our time

Nut case.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: PhilStar.com; Inquirer.net; PTV News]





“NO-BRAINER”

20 11 2017

RODRIGO DUTERTE’S party, the PDP-Laban has announced its initial list of potential candidates for senator in 2019. Controversial government propagandist Mocha Uson is on that list. Here’s how some politicians reacted when they bumped into Uson recently.

1mOCHApAC
Pacquiao: Uy, Mukah, congrats, magiging senador ka na.

Mocha: Thank you idol!

Pacquiao: Excited ako! Makakatrabaho na kita.

Mocha: Bakit idol? Nagtatrabaho ka ba?

Pacquiao:

Mocha: Jooooke!

* * * * *

Pacquiao: Grabi ka Mukah!! Magiging senador ka na pala.

Mocha: Thank you, idol! Narinig mo na pala ang balita.

Pacquiao: Oo naman. Congrats!

Mocha: Salamat idol! Excited na akong mag-isip ng bagong batas.

Pacquiao: Bakit? Nag-iisip ka ba?

Mocha:

Pacquiao: Jooooke! Akala mo ikaw lang?!

* * * * *

Pacquiao: Grabi! Kasama ka pala sa line-up ng PDP Laban.

Mocha: Oo idol! Pinilit ako eh; hindi naman ako makatanggi.

Pacquiao: Naku, pa’no ‘yan? Sabi nila, tanga ka raw. Iboboto ka kaya ng masa?

Mocha: Oo naman. Ibinoto ka nga nila, ‘di ba?

Pacquiao:

Mocha: Aminin mo, may point ako.

* * * * *

Pacquiao: Congrats Mukah, magiging senador ka na.

Mocha: Salamat idol! Kaya lang ang daming bumabatikos. Sabi nila, ‘pag nanalo raw ako, napakaraming bobo sa Pilipinas.

Pacquiao: ‘Wag mo silang pansinin. Inggit lang ang mga ‘yon. Hindi totoong maraming bobo sa ating bansa!

Mocha: Salamat idol. Ilan nga pala ang bumoto sa ‘yo noon?

Pacquiao: Mahigit 16 million.

Mocha: Naku! Marami nga!

Pacquiao: ‘Tang ina mo.

Mocha:

Pacquiao: Akala mo, joke? ‘Tang ina mo!

1sottomocha

Sotto: Congrats Mocha! Malapit na tayong magsama sa Senado.

Mocha: Salamat Tito Sen!

Sotto: Sus! Salamat lang? Pa-burger ka naman!

Mocha: Sus! Burger lang?! Kung gusto n’yo pa-Pepsi pa eh.

Sotto:

Mocha: Bakit Tito Sen? ‘Di ka ba nagso-soft drinks?!

* * * * *

Sotto: Uy! Senator Mocha Uson, congratulations.

Mocha: Grabe ka naman Tito Sen. Wala pa. Tatakbo pa lang.

Sotto: Pag nanalo ka, magkasama nating lalabanan ang mga dilawan!

Mocha: Kurek!

Sotto: Lalabanan natin ang “bias” na Inquirer, Rappler, at ABS-CBN!

Mocha: Kurek!

Sotto: Lalabanan natin ang minor bloggers!

Mocha: Kurek!

Sotto: Lalabanan natin ang nagpapakalat ng fake news!

Mocha:

Sotto:

Mocha: Baka may iba ka pang gustong labanan? Suggest ka pa.

1sottomocha

Mocha: Sir Harry Roque, sabi sa news, kasama tayo sa senate slate ng PDP Laban.

Roque: Eh ‘di mabuti. Congrats sa ‘tin!

Mocha: Salamat Sir. Excited na ako sa slate!

Roque: Teka, ano ba ‘yong “slate?”

Mocha: Basta ang sabi sa Rappler “slate.” Qinuote ko lang sila. Mali ba ‘yon?

Roque:

Mocha: Pucha! Fake news talaga ‘yang Rappler!

1sottomocha

Nancy Binay: Uy! Ikaw pala ‘yan Mocha. Narinig ko ang balita. In fairness sa ‘yo huh!

Mocha: Wala akong pakialam. ‘Wag ka nang mag-comment. Baka bumalik lang sa ‘yo.

Nancy:

Mocha:

Nancy: In fairness ulit, nabasa mo ang nasa utak ko. Tse!

* * * * *

Mocha: Boss, kasama ako sa listahan ng PDP Laban.

Martin Andanar: Eh ‘di mabuti. Sure win ka na. Sabi ko nga sa media, no-brainer.

Mocha: Ano ba ‘yung “no-brainer?”

Martin: ‘Pag ‘di na kailangang pag-isipan pa, at very obvious na – no-brainer.

Mocha: Ahhhh, ‘yon pala. Akala ko kasi ako ‘yung tinutukoy mo.

Martin: Hindi ‘no! Iba ang no-brainer sa no brain.

Mocha:

Martin: Wala akong sinabi huh! Sabi ko lang magkaiba ang dalawa.

download
Mocha: Tatay Digong, kasama ako sa listahan ng PDP Laban.

Duterte: Good! Gusto mo, samahan pa kita sa kampanya.

Mocha: Talaga po? Kahit mag-jeep lang tayo?

Duterte: No problem.

Mocha: Kahit sakay lang ng pedicab?

Duterte: Oo naman.

Mocha: Kahit sumakay sa MRT?

Duterte: ‘Tang ina. Ikaw na lang.

Mocha:

Duterte: ‘Wag ka na nga lang tumakbo!
___________________________________________________________________________________
“Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.”
~Plato

Sound Bites
“Kung tatakbo man po ako, ito po ay dahil si Pangulong Duterte na mismo ang nagpatakbo sa akin.”
~Mocha Uson on her possible Senate run

‘k.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Pacquiao/Mocha: ABSCBN News; Mocha/Sotto: Inquirer.net ; Mocha/Duterte/Roque; Malacañang Photo; MRT: Ivan Caballero Villegas]








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