3 03 2017

PRESIDENT DUTERTE has a new grandson. Davao City Mayor Sara Duterte-Carpio gave birth to Baby Marko Digong, her third child. The baby’s nickname is Stonefish. Stonefish weighs 2.42 kilos. At exactly 12:56PM on Thursday, March 2, he swam his way out of his mother’s womb. Inday Sara has two other kids, Sharky, 8, and Stingray, 4.

On Twitter, I wrote:


‘Stonefish’ became a trending topic on Twitter on Friday. Here are some of the funniest #Stonefish tweets.


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“Names, once they are in common use, quickly become mere sounds, their etymology being buried, like so many of the earth’s marvels, beneath the dust of habit.”
~Salman Rushdie

“Ang pangalan daw Marko Digong. Ganoon talaga iyan si Inday… Ito ang palayaw daw Stonefish. Kaawa naman ang bata.”
~President Duterte

Fish be with you.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo: Presidential Assistant Bong Go]



2 03 2017

SELF-CONFESSED Duterte henchman, Arturo Lascañas has been preparing for his explosive DDS story on Monday at the Senate – while Vitaliano Aguirre is preparing another ambush story to divert public attention from the tell-all.

Retired policeman Arturo Lascañas said the code used by the Davao Death Squad for then Davao City Mayor Rodrigo Duterte was ‘Superman.’ He claimed ‘Superman’ ordered them to go after his “personal and political enemies.” Last week, President Duterte admitted knowing Lascañas and meeting him a couple of times every year. When asked where, he replied, “Krypton.”

Self-confessed DDS leader SPO3 Arturo Lascañas said they used ‘Superman’ as code for then Davao City Mayor Rodrigo Duterte. Whenever they mentioned ‘Superman’ in Davao, they were talking about just one: Duterte. There were several ‘Lois Lanes’ though.

Martin “$1,000” Andanar said the revelations of SPO3 Arturo Lascañas were part of a “political drama aimed to destroy the President.” No offense but, what’s there to destroy?

Vice President Leni Robredo has called on President Duterte to focus on the “war on poverty.” In response, Duterte said, “That has always been the priority of my death squads: the poor.

Solicitor General Jose Calida honored 10 Duterte-BBM Youth members (who stormed the #EDSA31 celebration last Feb. 26) with a ‘Republic Defenders’ pin. You have probably seen the video. A member of the group couldn’t utter a single word when singer-songwriter and People Power defender Jim Paredes lectured him on extrajudicial killing. The guy deserved more than a pin for surviving that prolonged embarrassment.

Duterte-BBM Youth members, with the backing of Solicitor General Jose Calida, will reportedly file a case against Duterte critic Jim Paredes. Rumors say they’re charging him with assault and they have a very strong evidence to show – their bruised ego.

In an effort to patch things up between Martin Andanar and Senate reporters whom Andanar recently accused of corruption, Senate President Koko Pimentel secretly invited the Communications Secretary to a dinner he hosted for the Senate media. While there though, Andanar was ignored by Senate reporters. Or as Mocha Uson would say, “Senate reporters, hindi pinansin si Secretary Martin Andanar matapos malamang hindi ito mamimigay ng 1,000 dollars.”

Ignored II
In a dinner hosted by Senate President Koko Pimentel for Senate reporters, Martin Andanar showed up. Senate reporters ignored him big time. But he was unfazed. He stayed. For that alone, Jose Calida is honoring Andanar with a ‘Republic Defenders’ pin.

Ash Wednesday (March 1) marked the start of Lent. Many are giving up something for Lent like junk food, sex, smoking, etc. The Philippine Senate just gave up its independence.

Up Next
Speaking before a huge crowd of Duterte fanatics at Rizal Park, Vitaliano Aguirre shouted, “Sino ang gusto n’yong isunod (na ikulong)?” Senators Zubiri, Gatchalian, Escudero, Villanueva, and Ejercito slammed Aguirre for his behavior which they described as “unbecoming of a justice secretary” and “irresponsible.” Well, Aguirre has repeatedly proven he was unfit to serve as justice secretary and yet, you, dear senators still confirmed his appointment. Talk about responsibility.

Sen. Grace Poe says as justice secretary Vitaliano Aguirre is expected to be fair and should not “moonlight as a ‘perya’ barker who agitates the crowd.” Aguirre felt slighted by Poe’s ‘perya barker’ comparison since his actual intention was to be a circus clown.

This year’s Academy Awards ended in a messy mix-up when the assigned PricewaterhouseCoopers accountant, Brian Cullinan handed the wrong envelope to the presenters. It was an epic fail. Palpak ang trabaho. Reports say Cullinan will probably lose his job. He should not worry though because the Duterte government is interested in hiring him.

Oscars II
One of my favorite Oscar moments was ‘In Memoriam’ where we remember those who died the previous year. Among those we lost in 2016 were Carrie Fisher, Debbie Reynolds, Prince, and the logic of Duterte fanatics.
“He alone, who owns the youth, gains the future.”
~Adolf Hitler

Sound Bites
“You are expected to administer justice fairly and not to moonlight as a ‘perya’ barker who agitates the crowd.”
~Sen. Grace Poe to Vitaliano Aguirre


I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Lascañas: Voltaire Domingo, NPPA; Andanar: Camille Elemia/Rappler; Oscars: Chris Pizzello/Invision/AP]


26 02 2017

THOUGHT-PROVOKING ‘facts’ from Malacañang’s official online portal ‘The Official Gazette:’

Among the Top 5 government officials, President Duterte is the poorest. Based on his 2016 SALN, he has a net worth of only 645 thousand pesos.

Martin Andanar is a three-time Pulitzer Prize winning investigative journalist who is widely respected for his honesty, credibility, and integrity.

Manny Pacquiao is an HIV testing advocate. He is also the biggest donor to Pasay City’s Home for the Golden Gays, a refuge for the aged members of the LGBT community.

Mocha Uson is a virgin.

Vitaliano Aguirre was a consistent “Most Honest Pupil” awardee from Kindergarten to Grade 6.

Sen. Leila De Lima is a huge fan of Pablo Escobar. She has a ‘Pablo Escobar’ tattoo on her left thigh.

Tito Sotto has an IQ of over 180. He is a member of Mensa.

Before Jesse Robredo died, he sought the annulment of his marriage with Leni Robredo citing “irreconcilable differences” and a third party – Noynoy Aquino.

The Duterte administration does not tolerate online trolling. It will soon launch a campaign against vicious trolls, fake news and self-proclaimed bloggers who spread malicious information on or about anyone including critics of the government.

PNP Director General Ronald ‘Bato’ De La Rosa is an introvert, low-key person who shuns the limelight. He hates TV cameras and the media in general.

Alan Peter Cayetano has no plans of seeking a higher post in the future. He is supportive of President Duterte only because he truly loves this country. He will do everything for the Filipino people.

Imee Marcos was born in 1979, two years before Martial Law was lifted by his father. Her brother, Bongbong is still a millennial.

Sandro Marcos is a working student in London who pays for his own tuition, board and lodging. He is a responsible netizen who tweets with intellect, honesty and wisdom.

Imelda Marcos loves to travel. She has visited ALL of the world’s key cities except for one – Zurich. She hates Zurich.

Janet Lim-Napoles is a God-fearing, law-abiding woman who was falsely accused and wrongfully-convicted.

The pork barrel scam is a hoax perpetrated by the incompetent Aquino administration.

A joint probe recently conducted by the Human Rights Watch and Amnesty International found that the more than 7,000 deaths in the Philippines were not drug-related at all. It was a case of mass suicide attributed to climate change.

Before the Duterte administration took over, there were “three million addicts” in the Philippines. That number has significantly dropped to just 1,108 as of an hour ago.

South Korean businessman Jeck Ick Joo was assassinated by North Korean agents.

The Marcoses did not steal a single centavo from the Philippine government. Their multibillion peso bank deposits were donations from grateful Filipino taxpayers.

Official psychiatric records reveal Perfecto Yasay is a Sinophobe.

For 2017, Harry Roque is the recipient of the Most Gender-Sensitive Filipino Award from the United Nations Entity for Gender Equality and the Empowerment of Women.

Senate reporters each receive P10,000 for every ‘dilawan’ tweet and another P5,000 if that tweet is retweeted by their followers.

Martin Andanar is now the most-read Philippine Daily Inquirer columnist. His column has 16 million unique page views every minute.

Mocha Uson is now the most-read Philippine Star columnist and the most popular ‘political’ columnist in the solar system. As of February 25, her average daily unique page views is “infinite.”
“The point of modern propaganda isn’t only to misinform or push an agenda. It is to exhaust your critical thinking, to annihilate truth.”
~Garry Kasparov

Sound Bites
“Unless Martin Andanar can present credible proof to back up his claims, he should zip his mouth or better yet, step down for gross abuse of his office and ignorance of his responsibilities.”
~National Union of Journalists of the Philippines

“Hindi niya laging alam ang sinasabi niya.”
~Former President Fidel Ramos on Martin Andanar


Singer-songwriter Gary Granada comes out of retirement to write a song titled ‘Normal’ about the current situation in the Philippines. Read his biting yet moving composition here.
“Ang presidente na kriminal
Naging bayani na tinanghal
Ganyan na nga ba
OK ka lang ba
Na yan na ang bagong normal”

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Martin Andanar: Inquirer.Net]


21 02 2017

STARLET MOCHA USON has threatened to resign from the board of the MTRCB. On Facebook, the former sex blogger and adult performer slammed fellow board members for rejecting “change” in the agency. She also ranted against alleged lewd scenes in two ABS-CBN programs. Uson said, “Nakalulusot din ang mga malalaswang eksena na ipinagmamalaki pa ng mga TV network. Kung ayaw nila sa pagbabagong ito dahil sa may mga taong ayaw ng pagbabago, magre-resign po tayo.”

The other day, we caught up with the Queen of Duterte Trolls and Fanatics, and we’re sharing with you the transcript of our brief conversation with her. Ang susunod na panayam ay Rated SPG: Istriktong Patnubay at Gabay ng magulang ang kailangan. Maaaring may maselang tema, lenggwahe, karahasan, SEKSWAL, horror at droga na hindi angkop sa mga bata.

MOCHA, kumusta ka na?

Ok lang naman. Ano po ba ang kailangan n’yo? Medyo busy po tayo sa pagsisilbi sa bayan eh.

Grabe naman. Nakakaisang tanong pa lang ako! Presidente ka?!?

Hindi naman sa ganun. Busy lang talaga. Ano na pong tanong?

Ang dami kasing naninibago sa ‘yo. Ikaw na raw yata ang biggest change in the world sa past 10 years.

Kailangan na po talaga kasi natin ng tunay na pagbabago. At naniniwala akong dapat itong simulan sa ating mga sarili.

Gusto ko lang balikan ang ilan mong tweets. Ipaliwanag mo na rin. Unahin na natin ang isang ito.


Kapag stressed ba, bumubukaka ka pa rin?

Hindi po ako magpapaka-ipokrito. Nami-miss ko rin naman ang pagbukaka lalo na ngayong mga panahong ito na super stressed ako. Pero mas importante na sa akin ngayon ang kapakanan ng ating bayan at ni Tatay Digong. So, hangga’t makakaya ko, pinipigilan ko.

Ano nang ginagawa mo kapag nai-stress ka?

Gumagawa na lang ako ng video para sa Facebook ko. Nagsusumbong ako sa followers ko at naglalabas ng sama ng loob sa kanila.

Ang dami mo pa ring naloloko ‘no?

Ano pong sabi n’yo?

Sabi ko, ang daming lokong-loko sa ganda mo.

Hindi naman po sa ganun. Mahal lang talaga ako ng mga Ka-DDS kaya kahit anong sabihin ko, paniwalang-paniwala sila. Bakit ka pa bubukaka kung marami namang napapaniwala?

May point ka. Punta na tayo sa iyong next tweet.


Ngayong nasa gobyerno ka na, isusulong mo pa rin ba ang National No Underwear Day?

Naku, mahirap po yata ‘yan lalo na kung kasama mo sa kuwarto si Tatay Digong. Medyo awkward na.

In short, change. Nagbago na rin ang isip mo, tama?

Tama po. Mas importante na si Pangulong Duterte kesa sa maaliwalas na pu**.

Ang bastos mo naman!

Pasensya na po. Nabigla lang. ‘Tsaka medyo na-miss ko ang ganung lenggwahe. Hihihi

Malibog ka ba?

Grabe s’ya! Baka nakakalimutan mo po, MTRCB board member na ako. Konting respeto naman.

May masama ba sa tanong ko?

Hindi po dapat ginagamit ang ganyang word kasi hindi ‘yan pambata. Baka may mga minor na nagbabasa ng interview na ito, nakakahiya.

Nahiya ka ba nang i-tweet mo ito?


May tanong pa ba kayo? Nagmamadali ako eh.

Galit na galit ka raw sa dalawang shows ng ABSCBN dahil may ipinapakitang kalaswaan?

Totoo po ‘yon. Ang ipinagtataka ko lang, bakit pumayag ang MTRCB na ipakita ang kalaswaang ‘yun? Inaabuso ng TV network na ‘yan ang SPG rating. Sa akin kasi, hindi dapat tinu-tolerate ang kababuyan sa telebisyon! WALANG LUGAR SA LIPUNAN ANG KALASWAAN!

Mabuhay ka Ka-DDS! Punung-puno ka talaga ng wisdom. ‘Note to self’ ba itong tweet mong ‘to?


Ayaw ko na pong patulan ‘yan. Sige po, aalis na ako.

Huling tanong na lang: Malaswa ba ang larawang ito?


Wala pong malaswa sa picture na ‘yan. Ang nakikita ko lang d’yan ay mukha ng tunay na pagbabago. Mabuhay ka Tatay Digong. Salamat po.

Wait! Super last na talaga. Sagutin mo na lang ang sarili mong tanong sa Twitter:


Ay grabe. Slut-shaming.

Anong slut-shaming? Huwag mong idamay ang mga slut! Nananahimik sila!

Ayoko pong sagutin. Masyadong malaswa. Walang lugar ang kalaswaan sa ating lipunan. Bye.
“The only thing worse than a liar is a liar that’s also a hypocrite!”
~Tennessee Williams

Sound Bites
“Ikaw naman. Nalaman ko, hindi ka um-attend ng board meeting. At pag andun ka naman, hindi ka naman daw vocal sa mga concerns mo. Sumbong ka na lang nang sumbong sa taumbayan ng mga reklamo mo. I-translate mo yang mga reklamo mo sa pagkilos kung gusto mo talaga ng tunay na pagbabago. Ganun dapat.”
~Showbiz reporter/manager Ogie Diaz to Mocha Uson


I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: @MochaUson Tweets; Duterte: Grig Montegrandre/]


18 02 2017

ALLEGED pork barrel scam queen Janet Napoles is in the news again. You already know why. The other day, reporters went to the Correctional Institution for Women to interview her. They found Napoles at the mini-grocery store inside the prison compound. She was buying some important stuff that day: 1) Soap 2) Sanitary napkin 3) Solicitor General.

Solicitor General Jose Calida, the chief government lawyer has exerted efforts to acquit alleged pork barrel scam queen Janet Napoles. Before the multibillion-peso scam was uncovered, Napoles was quoted to have said, “We own the government.” That was before her prison term. Apparently though, she has reclaimed it.

Earlier this week, Jose Calida said alleged pork barrel scam queen Janet Napoles was “innocent and must be freed.” That’s Jose Calida, the chief government lawyer, our Sold Gen. Sorry, I mean, Sol Gen.

Lest we forget…
Reposting an excerpt from Krissy’s ‘interview’ with Janet Lim-Napoles in 2013 while the ‘queen’ was in hiding.

Krissy: Hi Ms Janet! We’ll play a rapid trivia game. Sasagot ka lang sa mga questions ko. Kung anong unang pumasok sa isip mo, ‘yun ang sabihin mo. Game Ka Na Ba?

Janet Napoles: Game na!

Let’s start! Ano ang G sa NGO?


Bongga! Kumpletuhin ang kasabihan: “Ang sinungaling ay kapatid ng… ”


I’ll accept that! NEXT: Sino ang tatay ni Kiefer Ravena?


Complete name please!

Bong Revilla! Ay, ano ba ‘yon? Sorry. Ravena pala!

Careful! NEXT: Kung ang beef ay galing sa baka, at ang venison ay galing sa usa, ang pork mo ay galing sa… ?


I said PORK, Janet!


PORK sabi eh!

Estrada? Ay, sorry Pareng Jinggoy. Nadulas lang.

Again, PORK. Last chance na!


Time’s up! Nakakaloka ka! Hindi kita kinaya.

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Hidden Wealth
According to Sen. Antonio Trillanes, President Duterte had as much as P2.4 billion in bank deposits which he failed to declare in his SALN. The President vows to resign if Trillanes could prove his claim. Last year, Duterte also promised to resign if he fails to solve the country’s drug problem in 3 to 6 months. Duterte’s children said Trillanes’s allegation was recycled. Just like their father’s promise to resign.

Psych Test
President Duterte’s eldest son and Davao City Vice Mayor Paolo Duterte says Senator Trillanes should take a psychiatric test “as something is very very wrong with his mind.” Well, yeah. Because if there’s someone who should be familiar with nut cases, it has to be Rodrigo Duterte’s children.

Psych Test II
Paolo Duterte said Senator Trillanes must take take a psychiatric test “as something is very very wrong with his mind.” In response, Trillanes was like, “Hiyang-hiya naman ang sira ng ulo ko sa katinuan ng tatay mo!”

The Department of Justice has filed three cases against Sen. Leila de Lima, Ronnie Dayan and several others for alleged violation of the Comprehensive Dangerous Drugs Act. Good job Vitaliano Aguirre! Goodbye De Lima! Goodbye Dayan! Goodbye Immigration bribery scandal!

Cross Dressing
Expressing his opposition to the anti-discrimination bill during a Senate session, Manny Pacquiao said men should only dress as men and women should only dress as women. Then, he hurriedly left the building to catch a very long flight back to where he lives – the Dark Ages.

Death Penalty
Congressmen have removed plunder from the list of heinous crimes punishable with death. When asked why, the House Speaker said, “We can’t have empty session halls.”

New Continent?
Scientists recently announced the discovery of Zealandia, a hidden continent attached to New Zealand. Almost entirely submerged in water, the huge landmass qualifies as a continent scientists say. When it heard the news, Pluto advised Zealandia to not ‘celebrate’ just yet, “Just look what they did to me! #stillhurting #cantmoveon”

Scientists discovered a hidden continent. But President Duterte is skeptic. He said he would resign if scientists could prove Zealandia was indeed a continent.
“No matter how many lies you use to disguise it or how many excuses you bury it beneath, the truth will never cease to be true.”
~Richelle E. Goodrich

Sound Bites
“’Yung propaganda value ni Duterte, willing siyang mag-open, pero kung titingnan ang statement niya, wala sa posisyon ang AMLC to determine net worth. Kung talagang wala kang tinatago, Mr. President, sign a waiver. Buksan mo ang transaction history ng accounts mo. Hindi kita tatantanan, Mr. President.”
~Sen. Antonio Trillanes

“Even in the Bible, we can read na ang babae, dapat magsuot na pambabae; at ang lalaki, magsuot ng panlalaki.”
~Manny Pacquiao

2017 na. ‘Wag tanga.

Three lawyers who defended Janet Lim Napoles are staunch Duterte supporters. One of them is now a deputy commissioner of the Bureau of Internal Revenue.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Napoles: Philippine Star; Paolo Duterte: Interaksyon; Zealandia: Sci-News.Com]


12 02 2017


This is a message from the government of the Republic of the Philippines.

Dear Mr. President,

Welcome to this introduction video about the Philippines – the greatest country in the whole world… the universe rather. It’s true. It’s great. You’re gonna love it here.

Yes, the Europeans did it first but their videos are nothing compared to what we have prepared.

You must be wondering: where is the video? There is no video Mr. President. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Waley. You have to use your creative imagination. It’s challenging. It’s tough but it’s all worth it.

The Philippines is a small nation with a huge population: 103.18 million. The number of undocumented Filipinos in the United States is even larger than the population of Luxembourg or Iceland or Estonia. Take that Europe! It’s true. It’s that huge. But you already know that.

We were discovered by the Europeans in 1521. They saw us, they liked us, they owned us. Or – as you would say, “How Melania became Mrs. Trump.”

We are home to the most gorgeous women on the planet. That’s a fact. We have three Miss Universe winners, six Miss International titlists and a Miss World crown. They’re all lovely. They’re terrific. You can grab them by the tiaras.

There are two historical landmarks you’ll surely appreciate when you visit our country. There’s the tallest Virgin on EDSA and the Walled City of Manila.

Yes, we heard you plan to build a wall. That’s easy. We’ve done that several times in the metro. The walls were great. They were useful. We were able to hide the poor from the view of foreign visitors. Absolutely fantastic! No more slums. No more garbage.

Speaking of garbage, allow us to introduce you to the most popular woman in our country today, Mocha Uson. She’s liberated. She’s pretty. She’ll probably grab you by the birdie. Mocha is President Duterte’s Kellyanne Conway of sorts. Conway originated the phrase “alternative facts.” Mocha creates her own ‘facts.’ Facts here, facts there, facts everywhere. She enjoys it. It’s exhausting. She’s gotten tired of spreading sex jokes, she’s now spreading half-truths online.

Mocha Uson invented the term ‘presstitute’ to discredit legitimate media organizations. Fantastic. Absolutely creative. ‘Presstitute’ is a portmanteau. We’re certain she doesn’t know what that means. Let’s leave it at that. Our country doesn’t tolerate idiot-shaming. But slut-shaming is another story. Our congressmen loved it. It’s true. They totally enjoyed it.

Before Sean Spicer, there was Martin Andanar and Ernesto Abella. They attacked the media first. And second. They were the best interpreters ever – so much better than Miss France’s or Miss Philippines’s interpreter in the Miss Universe pageant.

Every single American president, so far, has had one or more pets living with him at the White House. You don’t have any pets. That makes our President Duterte better than you. He’s got Cayetano.

Like you, we hate Mexicans – boxers to be specific. We punch them. We hit them. We beat them until they’re unrecognizable. Like this one. A total disaster.

But Mexicans are still lucky. They make it out alive. We can’t say the same for South Koreans – especially those who are brought to Camp Crame.

We may have one of the slowest Internet services in the region but we have the best justice secretary and the fastest justice system in the world. Unbelievable but it’s true. Since July 2016, thousands of poor Filipinos have been executed without being tried or arrested. All of them. Instant death. It’s that fast. It’s crazy but it’s terrific. The people liked it.

You have Steve Bannon, we have Manny Pacquiao. Every time he opens his mouth, he quotes the Bible and the entire nation cringes. He hates gays and he supports the death penalty. Manny is the reason why the word ‘irony’ was invented.

Filipinos are a cultured people. We love the arts: plays, exhibits, music, movies. We are the best fans in the world and we have this pic (click the link) to prove it.

The Philippines is the social media capital of the world. It’s crazy but it’s true. We can read your vicious and mostly inaccurate tweets Mr. President. Filipinos can relate. We have embraced the habit of posting and sharing fake news. We’re a bunch of gullible idiots – just like that ex-Colombian president who lectured our beloved Duterte on how to solve our drug problem.

We are a nation of heroes. Even one of the world’s biggest thieves of all time was buried as a hero. It’s true. It’s despicable but it’s true.

Filipinos are the strongest and the most fearless people on Earth. We survived the Spaniards. We survived the Americans. We survived the Japanese. We will definitely survive this government!

Mr. Trump, we totally understand it’s going to be America First. But can we just say ‘The Philippines Second?’

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.


5 02 2017

PNP CHIEF Ronald ‘Bato’ De La Rosa is not going anywhere. Last week, the President declined Bato’s offer to resign (for the second time) following the murder of a South Korean businessman outside his official residence in Camp Crame. With the President’s backing no less, Bato is looking forward to more ‘tokhang’ operations, more drug raids, and more concerts.

Dress Down/Push-up
Seven Pampanga cops who were allegedly involved in the robbery-extortion of Korean nationals got a tongue-lashing from PNP Chief Bato De La Rosa. On that day, Bato was in a different element. He was incensed. He was yelling. He was cursing. There were cameras everywhere. He was also on cue.

After scolding the seven cops and making them do stationary push-ups, a fuming PNP Chief Bato De La Rosa told police officials, “Dapat hindi nangyari ‘yan kung hindi kayo nagpabaya sa tao n’yo. Napapahiya na tayo sa mga Koreano!” To which, Filipinos said, “Sa amin, hindi?!?”

In case you didn’t see the video, here’s the transcript of Bato’s outburst.

Bato & the Police Officials
Bato: Pinabayaan n’yo ang mga tauhan n’yo! Nasaan kayo nang mang-extort sila? Nasaan?!?

Police Official: Definitely, wala sa concert Sir.


Police Official: Sinagot ko lang Sir ang tanong n’yo.

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Bato & the Bad Cops
Bato: ‘Tang ina n’yo! Ang lakas ng loob n’yong manghablot ng Koreano.

Cop (murmurs): Kasi sabi ni Presidente, gawin naming lahat, protektado n’ya kami.

Bato: Pakiulit nga ang sinabi mo.

Cop: May sinabi ba ako Sir? Wala huh. Nananahimik ako.

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Bato & the Bad Cops II
Bato: Sige, mag-push-up kayo. ‘Tang ina n’yo. Ang lalakas ng loob n’yo! Sinisira n’yo ang pangalan ng PNP. Nagpulis kayo para magsindikato?! Nagpulis kayo para

Cop: Sir, sandali.

Bato: Patapusin mo ako. ‘Tang ina! Nagpulis kayo para mapahiya ang ating uniform?!?

Cop: Eh Sir…

Bato: Hindi pa ako tapos! Gusto ko kayong i-firing squad! ‘Tang ina n’yo! (pause) O, may sinasabi ka?

Cop: ‘Yun na nga Sir! Wala pa ‘yong mga camera, wala pang media.

Bato: ‘Tang ina. Ba’t di mo agad sinabi?! Sige, uulitin ko na lang! Push up kayo. ‘Tang ina n’yo. Ang lalakas ng loob n’yo! Sinisira n’yo…

Vitaliano Aguirre apologized to Senators Kiko Pangilinan, Leila De Lima and Antonio Trillanes for accusing them of using the Jack Lam-Bureau of Immigration bribery scandal to pin him down. Aguirre admitted the information he gathered about the three senators was “hearsay.” Among many of his other statements.

Hearsay II
Quoting a Senior Police Officer 1 who spoke on condition of anonymity, Amnesty International (a worldwide human rights organization and Nobel Peace Prize Awardee) reported that cops were being paid from P8,000 to P15,000 per kill in Duterte’s war on drugs. Duterte’s ally Richard Gordon said it was “hearsay.” Apparently, Gordon forgot the report came from Amnesty International; NOT from Vitaliano Aguirre.

PNP Chief Ronald ‘Bato’ Del Rosa said they’re looking into the possible involvement of a “Korean mafia” in the abduction and murder of Korean businessman Jee Ick Joo saying there’s “competition within the Korean community.” And the Korean community was like, “Bes, may nahuli na. Palusot pa talaga?!?”

PNP Chief Ronald ‘Bato’ De La Rosa said they’re looking into the possible involvement of a “Korean mafia” in the abduction and murder of Jee Ick Joo. He can’t wait to scold the members of the mafia in front of TV cameras while making them do stationary push-ups.

Three policemen and four others who allegedly abducted and murdered Korean businessman Jee Ick Joo have been detained and charged. The other day though, General Bato said they’re looking into the involvement of “a Korean mafia.” Now, THAT’S hearsay.

“Lost Cause”
Vice President Leni Robredo says she’s got no time for trolls because they’re “a lost cause who have already made a judgment.” When Mocha Uson heard this, she said, “Mga Ka-DDS, ‘kita n’yo na ang katamaran ng bise presidenteng ‘yan? Sasagot lang sa trolls hindi pa magawa?!”

President Duterte scolded his youngest son, Baste for spending more time with starlet Ellen Adarna. It turned out Baste has another partner, model Kate Necesario, the mother of his son. The President told Baste, “Hindi ka na umuuwi, lagi kang naroon sa iba mong babae!” Duterte first heard those very same words from Elizabeth Zimmerman 20 years ago.
“Corrupt and incompetent police officers have a long history of being protected by their colleagues, police internal affairs and the government.”
~Steven Magee

Sound Bites
“Acting on instructions from the very top of government, the Philippines police have killed and paid others to kill thousands of alleged drug offenders in a wave of extrajudicial executions that may amount to crimes against humanity.”
~Amnesty International on Duterte’s war on drugs

Why are we not surprised?

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Bato: PNP PIO; Vitaliano Aguirre: ABSCBN News; Baste Duterte and Ellen Adarna: Brandphoria on IG]


31 01 2017

MISS FRANCE, Iris Mittenaere is the new Miss Universe – with the candidate from Haiti finishing in second place. Reports say the vote was so close Miss Haiti has been advised to file a protest by Bongbong Marcos.

For the first time in Miss Universe history, a candidate from the Philippines used an interpreter. Apparently, Maxine Medina drew inspiration from the Duterte administration.

Despite making it to the Top 6, Maxine Medina was heavily-criticized for a not-so-impressive answer in the Q&A round. Online, the gorgeous Filipina has been called names: bobo, istupido, tanga, etc. Yes, she was called ‘bobo’ by the very same people who elected Manny Pacquiao to the Senate.

Maxine Medina was asked about the most significant change in the world in the last 10 years. Had she answered, “Mocha Uson,” she would have been given a standing ovation.

During the Q&A, Steve Harvey asked, “What is the most significant change you’ve seen in the world in the last 10 years?” The interpreter translated, “Ano ang pinakamakabuluhang naganap na pangyayaring nakita mo sa mundo sa loob ng sampung taon?” CHANGE = PANGYAYARI? The interpreter needed an interpreter.

“What is the most significant change you’ve seen in the world in the last 10 years?” Here’s how Malacañang people and some Ka-DDS would interpret or translate this question for Maxine Medina:

President Duterte: Ano ang pinakamalaking pagbabago sa mundo mula nang ilunsad ko ang war on drugs sa Pilipinas?

Communications head Martin Andanar: Ano ang pinakamalaking pagbabagong nagawa ng ating mahal na Pangulong Duterte na ikaiiyak mo o ikahuhulog sa upuan?

Vitaliano Aguirre: Ano ang pinakamasamang pangyayari sa mundo na puwede nating isisi kay Senator Leila De Lima?

Presidential spokesman Ernesto Abella: Ano ang pinakamalaking pagbabago sa bansa mula nang maluklok kami sa puwesto? Gamitin ang iyong malikhaing imahinasyon.

Mocha Uson: Ano ang pinakamalaking ambag ni Leni Robredo sa mundo maliban sa magpaunlak ng panayam at magpakuha ng litrato?

Sass Sasot: Ano ang pinakamalaking pagbabago sa mundo maliban sa aking ano?

Official Gazette: Ano ang pinakamalaking pagbabago sa Pilipinas sa unang sampung taon ng masigasig na pamumuno ng mahal na Pangulong Marcos noong Dekada ’70?

Alan Peter Cayetano:

General Bato De La Rosa: Ano ang pinakamalaking pangyayari sa mundo na maaari kong puntahan sakaling ako ay imbitahan?

Official Statement
In a statement, palace spokesman Ernesto Abella congratulated Maxine Medina “for working very hard and giving her best in a competition that promotes goodwill and friendship among nations.” Thanking the candidates, Abella invited them to return, bring more friends, and “explore the various islands of the Philippines, ready to be astonished of the unexhausted beauty of each one and willing to be moved in every way by the fervent spirit of the Filipino people and so we say, Mabuhay!” After reading Abella’s statement, the Miss Universe Organization declared him the 3rd Runner-Up.

Final Question
In the final Q&A, the Top 3 finalists, Colombia, France and Haiti were asked the same question: Name something, over the course of your life that you failed at and tell us what you learned from that experience. And Senator De Lima was like, “Ang dali naman.”

In Other News…
President Duterte announced Monday, he would extend his war on drugs until 2022. As expected, he wasn’t able to solve the country’s drug problem in 3 to 6 months. If you would recall, this was his campaign promise last year. This was also his answer to the final question in the Miss Universe pageant.

Record Low
According to the Social Weather Stations, the number of Filipinos who said they were victims of common crimes has dropped to a record low. While Filipinos who said they were victims of government-sponsored crimes has soared to a record high.
“Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.”

Sound Bites
“You policemen are the most corrupt. You are corrupt to the core. It’s in your system.”
~President Duterte

“As soon as I started to love who I was rather than always trying to fit what I thought society wanted me to be, I gained a whole new side of life. This is the side I am trying to bring to the Miss Universe competition. The side of life that is so rare to find: self-worth and self-love. We always focus on the things we wish we could change rather than loving everything we are.”
~Miss Universe Canada Siera Bearchell on her weight


I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Miss]


25 01 2017

ACCORDING TO Vitaliano Aguirre, the murder of a tokhang-for-ransom victim from South Korea was “only an isolated incident.” As compared to the killing of almost 7,000 Filipinos which was “government policy.”

The fake drug raid victim from South Korea was abducted in Angeles City and then murdered by policemen in Camp Crame near the official residence of PNP Chief Ronald ‘Bato’ De La Rosa. To be fair, Bato was not in Camp Crame when the crime happened. He was in a movie premiere.

PNP Chief Bato De La Rosa complains media reports on tokhang-for-ransom  make them look bad. Valid point. The media is inaccurate. They’re not bad. They’re evil.

PNP Chief Bato De La Rosa has rejected calls for him to resign following the kidnapping and murder of a tokhang-for-ransom victim in Camp Crame. “Gusto nila akong mag-resign? Sabihin n’yo kay Presidente, paalisin ako. Ano ba ang akala nila, nag-e-enjoy ako sa trabaho ko?!” an irate De La Rosa told a reporter by phone while watching Bryan Adams’s concert.

Vitaliano Aguirre theorized the tokhang-for-ransom issue could be part of a plot to destabilize the Duterte administration. He has ordered his men to find any connections between the South Korean victim and Sen. Leila De Lima.

New Victims
Latest reports say three South Koreans golfers have also been victimized by tokhang-for-ransom policemen. Or as Vitaliano Aguirre would say, “only three isolated incidents.”

The Board of Trustees of Kabayan partylist has removed Harry Roque as a member, and as partylist representative. Shortly after his removal, Roque said he would miss his colleagues, his staff, and the hearings on De Lima’s sex life.

Two Wives
President Duterte accused one of his critics from the Church, Bishop Emeritus Teodoro Bacani of having two wives like him. A furious Bacani replied, “I wish!”

Miss U in Malacañang
Miss Universe candidates paid a courtesy call on President Duterte in Malacañang on Monday, January 23. Reading from a prepared speech, the unusually behaved Duterte told the candidates, “I wish this day will never end.” To which the candidates said, “We’re glad it’s almost over.”

Social Media
According to the latest study, the Philippines is No. 1 in terms of time spent on social media. On the average, Filipinos spend four hours and 17 minutes per day on social media sites like Facebook and Twitter. If you’re Mocha Uson, that’s 4 hours and 17 minutes of spreading disinformation on Leni Robredo.

Filipinos spend 4 hours and 17 minutes per day on social media. Or as it’s also called in offices, “the most unproductive time of the day.”
“Violence and cruelty were just a stupid person’s way of making himself felt, because it was easier to use your hands to strike a blow then to use your brain to find a logical and just solution to a problem.”
~Anne Holm, ‘I Am David’

Sound Bites
“Putang inang Bacani na ‘yan, dalawa pala ang asawa. Pareho ko. Parang mayor din ang buang. Tapos kung magsalita itong unggoy na ito, ‘tang ina.”
~Rodrigo Duterte reacting to Bishop Bacani’s criticism of extrajudicial killing


I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: South Korean victim/Aguirre:ABSCBN News; Bato De La Rosa: @jewelsinthesea; Miss Universe/Duterte: Philippine Star]


19 01 2017

MANNY PACQUIAO defended his pro-death penalty stance by saying, “Even Jesus Christ nga nasentensyahan ng kamatayan dahil government talaga ang nag-impose ng kamatayan.” The statement has prompted surgeons all over the world to conclude that boxing is extremely dangerous to your mental health.

According to Manny Pacquiao, God gave our government the “right” to impose the death penalty.” Dear Manny Pacquiao, we don’t need a death penalty law. Every time you open your mouth on issues, we die.

The Philippine government has ordered Internet Service Providers to block public access to adult web sites. But Malacañang says those who are into the obscene and the vulgar may still watch the replay of last year’s Congressional hearing on Sen. Leila De Lima’s sex life.

The National Telecommunications Office confirms it has ordered all ISPs to block public access to porn sites. In totally unrelated news, President Duterte’s approval rating among males has dropped to an all-time low.

Zubiri vs. Trillanes
A heated exchange erupted between Miguel Zubiri and Antonio Trillanes on Tuesday at the Senate (See video). Trillanes said Zubiri cheated in the 2007 elections. Zubiri said Trillanes was charged with rebellion and treason. The two lawmakers almost came to blows but other senators intervened except for Manny Pacquiao who said, “Kung sina Cain at Abel nga na magkapatid, pinayagan ni God na mag-away, senador pa kaya?”

In case you missed it… Zubiri vs. Trillanes:
Trillanes: If you want to declare war, then you should be prepared to have war.

Zubiri: If you pick a fight with me, I’ll fight.

Trillanes: This representation will not back down.

Zubiri: I did not become world champion in arnis for nothing.

Trillanes: Umabot talaga dun?!? Literal na fight?!?


Trillanes: If you want to declare war, then you should be prepared to have war. This representation will not back down.

Zubiri: I did not become world champion in arnis for nothing. If you want to fight, tell me how you want to fight.

Trillanes: Kasasabi mo lang na ‘arnis’ ‘tapos ngayon ‘tell me how you want to fight.’ Labo mo huh!


Trillanes: If you want to declare war, then you should be prepared to have war. This representation will not back down.

Zubiri: Mabait akong tao and people know me. I am one of the most amiable senators of this chamber. But if you pick a fight with me, I’ll fight. I did not become world champion in arnis for nothing.

Trillanes: Ano ‘to slam book?!? Merong describe yourself?!? May sports and hobbies?!?


Trillanes: Eh ‘di ba nandaya ka noong 2007?

Zubiri: Sus! Ikaw nga nakasuhan ng rebellion!

Trillanes: Eh ‘di ba nag-resign ka nga noong 2011 dahil nabistong nandaya?

Zubiri: Sus! Ikaw nga nakasuhan ng treason!

Trillanes: Eh ‘di ba nga nachismis ka pang bakla noon?

Zubiri: Stick tayo sa isyu ng eleksyon. ‘Wag kang ano d’yan!

A day after journalists quoted President Duterte as saying no one could stop him from declaring martial law “if I wanted to,” his communications chief, Martin Andanar blamed the media for ‘misreporting’ the statement. He also described the news reports as “the height of journalistic irresponsibility.” Even President Duterte was like, “OA na ang kasipsipan huh!”

Martin Andanar blamed the media for “misreporting” President Duterte’s latest remark on martial law. Andanar said the headlines “sow confusion to many.” Apparently, he hates competition. ‘Coz, you know, when it comes to sowing confusion, they’re the experts.

Sen. Antonio Trillanes has urged the Senate committee on public information to investigate the so-called social media trolls amid the proliferation of fake news and false information online. Martin Andanar is on top of the list of invitees.

After doing a review on social media, the Center for Media Freedom and Responsibility said there’s an “all too tight” connection between the alleged plot to oust the President and the president’s own communication team. Which, is not surprising since the members of the president’s own communication team includes Martin Andanar, Mocha Uson, Sass Sassot and Duterte’s cybertrolls.

Miss U
Pre-pageant activities for this year’s Miss Universe contest are underway. The candidates have been travelling all over the country. Everyone is having a good time… except for Chavit Singson who is having a great time.
“In a society run by terror, no statements whatsoever can be taken seriously. They are all forced, and it is the duty of every honest man to ignore them.”
~ Milan Kundera

Sound Bites
“You cannot falsely accuse the profession of misreporting by peddling brazenly outrageous lies.”
~National Union of Journalists of the Philippines to Martin Andanar

Serves you right.

How to defend our democracy
#5. Be calm when the unthinkable arrives.
When the terrorist attack comes, remember that all authoritarians at all times either await or plan such events in order to consolidate power. Think of the Reichstag fire. The sudden disaster that requires the end of the balance of power, the end of opposition parties, and so on, is the oldest trick in the Hitlerian book. Don’t fall for it.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Pacquiao: Associated Press; Senate Rumble: Philippine Star; Martin Andanar:; Miss Universe: @65thmissuniverse on IG]


11 01 2017

MALACAÑANG dismissed as false columnist Kit Tatad’s report, quoting an unnamed source, that President Duterte went to China recently for cancer treatment. This is one instance when you don’t know who to believe anymore – because when it comes to ridiculousness and absurd claims, Tatad and Duterte are on the same level.

No To Tsismis
In Binalonan, Pangasinan, villages are strictly implementing a policy against gossiping or rumor-mongering. They officially call it the Anti-Mocha Uson Ordinance.

Villages in Binalonan, Pangasinan are strictly implementing an anti-chismis policy. Violators will be fined. You’ve been warned, Kit Tatad.

Vice President Leni Robredo has denied any links to a reported plot to oust President Duterte. Online, Duterte diehards and Bongbong Marcos trolls used a hashtag to create the impression that Robredo was part of a conspiracy to unseat the President. To be fair, the online campaign was successful in vilifying Robredo. No wonder, the year has only just begun but trolls are already talking about a hefty mid-year bonus.

EXCLUSIVE: A screen capture of the newest “leak” that started circulating Tuesday, January 10, 2017.


Maritess Allen, described in news reports as a ‘feng shui expert’ predicts President Duterte will be hounded by health issues as well as misunderstandings, arguments, and quarrels this year. In response, 2017 was like, “That was so last year.”

Described in news reports as a ‘feng shui’ expert, Maritess Allen predicts President Duterte will be hounded by health issues as well as misunderstandings, arguments, and quarrels this year. Allen also predicts February will have 28 days and Good Friday will be a non-working holiday.

Celeb Appointees
Sex blogger-turned-Duterte attack dog Mocha Uson and actor Cesar Montano took their oath before President Duterte in Malacañang on Monday. Uson and Montano are the latest celebrities who were given government posts for supporting Duterte in the last elections. Which begs the question, what reward awaits Vivian Velez and Elizabeth Oropesa?

Miss U
The Philippine National Police says there’s no direct threat to the upcoming Miss Universe pageant in the country. In other words, the beautiful candidates are not in danger. If you insist though, we can still talk about Chavit Singson some other time.

Golden Globes
The annual Golden Globe Awards took place Monday (Manila time) at the Beverly Hilton. Multi-awarded actress Meryl Streep received the Cecil B. DeMille Lifetime Achievement Award. In her acceptance speech, Streep said, “Disrespect invites disrespect. Violence incites violence.” To which, Presidente Duterte replied, “Tang ina, inaano ba kita?”

When it comes to page visits to adult website PornHub, Filipinos are still No. 1 according to the latest data. When searching for women, 90 percent of Filipinos searched for ‘Maria Ozawa.’ The remaining 10 percent, believed to be congressmen, searched for ‘Leila De Lima.’

A furious Duterte and BBM troll who-must-not-be-named complained online that ABS-CBN News opted to report on Filipinos’ PornHub use but ignored Leni Robredo’s alleged involvement in a plot to oust Duterte. When asked why, ABS-CBN News answered: “Fact over fiction.”
“The suspicious mind conjures its own demons.”
~ Hanshiro Tsugomu

Sound Bites
“He is the secretary of DOJ, he should not tell lies. We didn’t talk, we didn’t meet in the US when I went there.”
~Vice President Leni Robredo on Vitaliano Aguirre’s baseless allegation she met with Fil-Am LP supporter Loida Nicolas-Lewis recently

The ‘conspiracy’ to oust Duterte
By Prof. Randy David
“If the people around the President are either too intimidated or too much in awe to tell him of his shortcomings, then they are creating a narcissistic ruler who will not be able to free himself from the self-referential world he has constructed.”

Be rational.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte: Philippine Star; Mocha/Duterte: Palace Photo]


7 01 2017

ANG POST na ito ay Rated SPG: Striktong Patnubay at Gabay ng magulang ang kailangan. Maaaring may maselang tema, lenggwahe, karahasan, sekswal Mocha, horror o droga na hindi angkop sa mga bata.

IT’S 2017. Aim for your dreams. Set some goals. Just believe in yourself and you’ll probably make it. Because if Mocha Uson can, MOCHA FREAKIN’ USON, so can we!

Malacañang has appointed starlet Mocha Uson as board member of the MTRCB. That’s how you start another year for this blog: with a big joke!

Tito Sotto welcomed Mocha Uson’s appointment to the MTRCB saying Uson was “a good choice because she bounds with common sense.” That’s Tito Sotto. An even bigger joke.

Last Thursday, January 5, thinking Filipinos were shocked by the news that Duterte attack dog, Mocha Uson was appointed to the MTRCB as board member. And 2016 was like, “Don’t look at me! I’m done.”

Mocha Uson has been named MTRCB board member. Shortly after, MTRCB was renamed the Misinformation and Trolling Review and Classification Board.

Defending the appointment of starlet Mocha Uson to the MTRCB, palace mouthpiece Martin Andanar said, “Mocha Uson is one of the biggest artists in the country.” To prove his claim, Andanar distributed naked photos of Uson to the press.

Newly-appointed MTRCB board member, starlet Mocha Uson said, “Pagtutuunan po natin ng pansin na mawala na ang mga ‘soft porn’ sa mga teleserye.” In other news, ISIS has just announced it will help eradicate Islamic jihadists in the world.

Duterte’s letter to Mocha Uson informing the starlet of her impending appointment to MTRCB.


Another EXCLUSIVE: Here’s the accomplished questionnaire submitted by Mocha Uson to Malacañang last December 28. On the same day, Duterte signed her appointment paper as MTRCB Board Member.


In Other News…
Tito Sotto filed a resolution calling for the establishment of a separate film festival for independently-produced films. Hi Mr. Sotto! Cinemalaya called. Where have you been daw?

Tito Sotto questioned the quality of indie films saying, “Quality ba ‘yon? Hindi high-end equipment ng gamit! Hindi top quality ang video!” That’s coming from someone who considers ‘Enteng Kabisote 10 and the Abangers’ the benchmark for films.

Lawyers Fernando Perito and Rogelio Cantoria filed a plunder case against former president Noynoy Aquino, former DILG Sec. Mar Roxas, Sen. Leila De Lima, former BSP Gov. Amando Tetangco Jr, former Finance Secretary Cesar Purisima, and former Senate President Franklin Drilon for the alleged unlawful transfer of Marcos gold deposits in Switzerland to a bank in Thailand. But journalists discovered the complaint was based on a fake news online article. Noynoy Aquino said it was “black propaganda.” The LP said it was “laughable.” Vitaliano Aguirre said, “Testing lang. Baka sakaling makalusot.”
“It happens; incompetence is rewarded more often than not.”
~Jeff Lindsay, ‘Darkly Dreaming Dexter’

Sound Bites
“I promised myself NO NEGA POST FOR 2017. Pero tangnanaman! Mocha in MTRCB?”
~John Lapuz, host/actor

Exactly our thoughts.

Twitter Explodes
Here are some of the most brutally honest but funny reactions to Mocha Uson’s MTRCB appointment.

1. Last year, performing artist, Eva Marie Poon, sister of singer Richard Poon, was just one of several Filipinos online who saw this moment coming.


2. We feel you Parvati.


3. Harsh!


4. Who knows, ‘di ba? Posible!


5. Nadali Mo!


6. This scene from an Angel Locsin film is just fulfilling.


And finally, one of the first memes to appear when Mocha’s appointment was announced:


What a time to be alive!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.


31 12 2016

2016 IS OVER. ‘Buti naman. Ang dami kasing nangyari. Nakakapagod. Kay Mocha Uson pa lang, mapapamura ka na. Anyway, narito ang listahan ng mga Winners at Losers ngayong 2016.

WINNER: President-elect Rodrigo Duterte. In 3-6 months, solved ang problema sa kriminalidad. Astig! Ikaw na talaga.

LOSER: President Rodrigo Duterte. Nagbanta. Nang-away. Nanghikayat pumatay. Umaming pumatay. Ginawang bayani ang diktador na patay. ‘Tang ina.

LOSER: Justice Sec. Vitaliano Aguirre. The resident clown of the Duterte administration. Ayaw ko nang dagdagan. Sayang ang oras ko sa kanya.

LOSER: Sen. Leila De Lima’s public image. Perception trumps reality. Ikaw ba naman ang palibutan at bugbugin ng mga galamay ni Duterte sa Gabinete, Senado, Kamara, mainstream & social media, at sa kaaway mong sekta, paano mo pa ipagtatanggol ang imahe mo? Wala na. Suko na bes, may nanalo na.

WINNER: Sen. Leila De Lima. Prangkahan na. Wala naman talagang naglakas-loob lumaban sa psychopath ng palasyo kundi siya. Hindi LP. Hindi Akbayan. Hindi si Trillanes. Hindi ang Magnificent 7 ng Kamara. Si T’yang Leila lang talaga.

WINNER: Leni Robredo. The last man standing is a woman. Indeed!

LOSER: Bongbong Marcos. Kampanteng-kampante ang anak ng diktador na makababalik sila sa palasyo. Number 1 kasi ito sa VP survey hanggang Abril. Eh biglang nagising ang mga tao. O, loko. FYI: Hindi ka dinaya. Talo ka! Talo!

LOSER: The House of Representatives. Dahil sa kamanyakan ng mga kongresistang nagpiyesta sa sex life ng isang senadora. In a post-hearing interview, one congressman allegedly admitted, “Tinigasan ang aking mga kasama.”

LOSER: Palace interpreters. Kagulo lagi ang mga pucha. Every other day, may kanya-kanyang interpretation sa sinabi ni Duterte?!? Punyeta. Every week, nagmo-mochang tanga talaga.

WINNER: Drug lab raids. Great work! ‘Yan ang dapat tinututukan: the manufacturers of illegal drugs.

LOSER: State-encouraged extra-judicial killing. Sabi nga ng The New York Times: Even if Mr. Duterte has not directly ordered individual killings, there is no doubt they are being carried out with his approval.

LOSER: The poor. Sila lang naman ang kaya eh. Madaling i-raid. Madaling posasan. Madaling patayin. Madaling itapon. Eh bakit ‘yong pulitikong drug lord na kapatid ng isa ring kilalang pulitiko sa Southern Tagalog hindi hinuhuli? Ooops. Ayaw ko nang magsalita. Secret.

WINNER: General Bato De La Rosa. To be fair, masipag naman siya at marunong lumaro sa masa (beware!). Ang tsismis: inihahanda na ang BBM-Bato sa 2022. Naku, ayaw ‘yan ni Quietano!

WINNER: CIDG Region 8 head, Supt. Marvin Marcos. Ayon sa NBI, murder ang ginawa ni Marcos kay Mayor Espinosa pero kinampihan pa rin siya ni Duterte. Iba ka!

LOSER: Mga Ka-DDS. According to a CNN-Gallup Poll, Duterte fanatics are the most gullible people in the world followed by Donald Trump supporters in distant second. The same survey showed that 98.75 percent of Duterte fanatics believe everything that Mocha Uson posts on Facebook.

WINNER: Agot Isidro. Habang ‘yong ibang artista, na-infect na ng Duterte virus, nabigyan ng puwesto o kaya ay natakot magsalita, biglang sulpot ang mahusay na aktres. PSYCHOPATH ka Duterte, psychopath ka. Exactly our thoughts. Thanks Agot for being brave!

WINNER: Baste and Inday Sara Duterte. Nand’yan lang sila. Tahimik. Simpleng namumuhay. Ipagpatuloy n’yo ‘yan. [Kay Paolo Duterte, no comment ako. Afraid!]

LOSER: Mocha Uson. The Ambassadress of Disinformation. Dahil sa minu-minutong paninira sa mga kritiko ng kanyang Tatay Digong at pagpapakalat ng kasinungalingan, maling impormasyon, at black propaganda on or about everyone na hindi sang-ayon sa maling ginagawa ng pangulo. To quote Ms Agot Isidro, “Pa-relevant!”

LOSER: Ka-DDS and BBM Trolls na katulong ni Mocha Uson sa disinformation at pag-revise ng history. Ang sad ng life n’yo. Mali-mali naman ang grammar. Yuck.

WINNER: Ateneo & La Salle Communities for taking a stand against EJK during a UAAP game. Also, schools and universities who released statements denouncing EJK.

LOSER: Imee Marcos. “Unang-una, ‘yong guilt, paano ko ia-admit eh ang liit-liit ko noon?!” PAKYU.

WINNER: The Marcoses. Nailibing sa Libingan ng mga Bayani ang diktador na si Ferdinand Marcos. Salamat sa campaign promise ng tuta nilang si Duterte.

LOSER: The Marcoses. Maging ang kahuli-hulihang sandali ng diktador, nakaw pa rin. Kadiri.

LOSER: Alan Peter Cayetano. Talo na sa eleksyon, talo pa sa isyu ng paglilibing kay Marcos sa Libingan ng mga Bayani. Anyareh? #Quietano

WINNER: Sen. Panfilo Lacson. Sa consistent na pag-expose sa milyun-milyong pisong pork barrel funds na pilit isinisingit sa budget ng mga corrupt na tao sa gobyerno.

LOSER: DFA Sec. Perfecto Yasay. May rumor na ipu-pull out na ng China ang kanilang ambassador sa Pilipinas. Nandiyan naman daw si Yasay. Makes sense.

LOSER: Manny Pacquiao. Once a bigot, always a bigot. Ang dami niyang cringe-worthy one-liners this year. Pero nanalo namang senador. Dahil diyan…

WINNER: Manny Pacquiao. Tagumpay sa kanyang “comeback” fight against Jesse Vargas. Nanalo rin bilang mambabatas. Dahil diyan…

LOSER: Filipino voters. ‘Tang ina. Ang daming mas qualified na kandidato, ‘yan ang ibinoto n’yo?! Fuck you.

WINNER: Noynoy Aquino. Natapos din sa wakas ang anim na taon niya bilang pangulo. Relieved ang lolo n’yo.

LOSER: Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago. The Big C won. Damn you cancer.

LOSER: Jejomar Binay. Malacañang na, naging city hall pa. Ang sakit.

WINNER: The Binays. Nabawi ang Makati City Hall na pansamantalang nawala sa kanila. Tuloy ang ligaya. #AlamNa

LOSER: Mar Roxas. Hindi talaga para sa ‘yo ang palasyo. Ang sakit ‘no?

WINNER: Mar Roxas. Nakabawi siya kay Binay nang mag-No. 2 siya sa eleksyon. Huwag nang choosy. Pwede na ‘yon.

LOSER: Grace Poe. Kasi naman. Nagmamadali eh.

LOSER: Bong Revilla: Hindi kinaya ng campaign promise ni Duterte. Tuloy ang plunder case sabi ng korte. Dahil d’yan…

WINNER: Taxpayers!

WINNER: Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo. Lahat yata ng corruption cases, na-dismiss! Ang husay ng lawyer. Dahil d’yan…

LOSER: Taxpayers. #saklap

WINNER: CHEd Chair Patricia Licuanan. Maraming buwaya sa paligid. Kapit lang ma’am.

WINNER: Commission on Elections. For yet another honest, orderly, and peaceful automated elections.

LOSER: The people behind the Official Gazette. Pinapasusweldo ng taumbayan para baguhin ang kasaysayan. Kapal.

LOSER: This Manila Standard headline. So much for standards!

BIGGER LOSER: Philippine Daily Inquirer. Sa pagbibigay ng espasyo sa Duterte apologist na si Martin Andanar. Eeew.

BIGGEST LOSER: Philippine Star. Mocha Uson talaga? MOCHA FREAKIN USON as Op-Ed columnist? Until now, hindi pa rin natatahimik ang mga kaluluwa nina Betty Go-Belmonte at Max Soliven.

LOSER: Kris Aquino. Sino na nga siya?

LOSER: Sandro Marcos. Kailangan pa bang i-explain ‘to? Boo!Boo!

WINNER: The 2016 Metro Manila Film Festival. We saw 7 of 8 entries. #NuffSaid Eh ‘yong ambassadress, nakailan ba?

LOSER: Filipinos. Almost 7,000 deaths. A people desensitized to murder. What have we become?


President and Self-Confessed Murderer
A foul-mouthed populist leader flirting with authoritarian fantasies
Umayos ka.

“The future depends on what you do today.”
~ Mahatma Gandhi

Happy New Year everyone! May we all have a better and safer 2017!


I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.


27 12 2016

HERE’S your complete guide to HMMMPFF 2016.

Synopsis: Si Sassha Sutsot ay isang parlorista na huminto sa paggamit ng droga nang maging presidente si Rodrigo Duterte. Isang araw, habang mini-makeup-an ang sarili, ni-raid ng mga nagpakilalang pulis ang kanyang parlor. Sa sobrang gulat at takot, nahawakan ni Sassha ang isang nail cutter. Nang makita ng mga pulis ang nail cutter, sumigaw ang mga ito: Sige bakla, manlaban ka! Manlaban ka nang makita mo ang hinahanap mo!

Manlalaban kaya si Sassha Sutsot? Bubuhayin kaya siya ng mga pulis? Sakto na ba ang kanyang makeup sakaling may mangyaring masama? Mamamatay kaya siyang maganda?

Synopsis: Very popular sa kanilang school si Kath kaya’t hinikayat siyang tumakbong presidente ng student council. Tatakbo namang vice president si James at gusto nitong maging runningmate ni Kath kaya’t kinulit niya ito. Pinuntahan pa nga niya ito sa kanilang bahay. Dahil sa pamimilit ni James, pumayag rin si Kath. Ngunit nang kampanya na, ilang beses nag-joke si Kath na baka ang manalong vice president ay hindi ang kanyang running mate kundi ang ubod nang yamang si Vince, ang mahigpit na kaaway ni James.

Pagdating ng eleksyon, nanalo si Kath. Talo pareho sina Vince at James. Pero si James, hindi tumigil ng kasisipsip at kasusunod kay Kath dahil umaasa ito ng endorsement mula sa dalaga sa susunod na eleksyon. Si Vince naman, hindi matanggap ang pagkatalo for vice president at nag-file ng protesta.

Hanggang kailan magiging tuta ni Kath si James? Siya kaya ang sunod na iendorso ng dalaga? Bakit ayaw pang tanggapin ni Vince ang pagkatalo? Dahil ba marami silang pera at kaya nitong gastusan ang manual recount of votes? Totoo kaya ang tsismis na meron nang teenage son si Vince sa London at itinatago niya ito dahil ubod nang bobo ang binatilyo? Sandro kaya ang name ng anak ni Vince? Malamang. Bakit sinagot ko ang aking tanong? Ang bobo.

Synopsis: Naninirahang mag-isa sa kanyang mansion ang hacienderong si Benito. May kanya-kanya na kasing pamilya ang kanyang mga kapatid at siya na lamang ang naiwang walang asawa.

Umaga, tanghali, gabi… mag-isa siyang kumakain habang nakaupo sa kabisera ng mahabang mesa sa maluwang na kusina ng mala-palasyong tahanan. Ngunit sa kabila ng yaman, malungkot si Benito. Hindi ito ang inasam niyang buhay. Ayaw niyang mamatay na nag-iisa.

Oras na ba para muling humanap ng babaeng mamahalin si Benito? Hindi pa ba huli ang lahat? Bakit ba tila mailap ang pag-ibig sa kanya? Dahil ba lagi siyang may ubo at plema? Kailan niya ititigil ang paninigarilyo?

Synopsis: Sally Lim ang kanyang tunay na pangalan, a suspected drug lord. Nang makasama sa listahan ng high-profile drug targets, sumuko si Sally sa mayor ng kanilang siyudad. Galit sa droga ang kanilang mayor at binantaang papatayin si Sally kapag nagkita sila. Ngunit sa ‘di inaasahang pangyayari, natameme ang mayor nang makaharap si Sally. Nagpakita kasi ng maraming pictures si Sally kung saan kasama niya sa iba’t ibang okasyon si Mayor: may kasal, binyag, libing, tuli, Miss Gay pageant at Mr. Bikini Superhotbodies. Nang makita ang mga litrato, nagbago ng isip si Mayor. Sa halip na patayin, pinatakas nito si Sally.

Nasaan na si Sally Lim? Bumalik pa kaya siya sa Pilipinas? Bakit ganun siya ka-close kay Mayor? Totoo bang may kinikilingan, may pinuprotekahan at may kasinungalingan si Mayor? Bakit ba tanong pa tayo nang tanong eh alam naman natin ang sagot?

Synopsis: Modernong babae si Mookah. Ginagamit nito ang kanyang katawan para kumita. Ngunit nabago ang takbo ng kanyang buhay nang manalong congressman ang isang dati niyang kliyente. Pinahinto siya nito sa paghuhubad. Dahil malakas ang hatak sa publiko lalo na sa mga kalalakihan, ginawa siyang PR consultant ng kongresista. Siya rin ang in-charge sa paninira sa mga kalaban ng pulitiko gamit ang kanyang sikat na blog sa Facebook, ang Mookah Mo Uupuan Ko.

Recently, na-appoint siyang Ambassadress for Hadhad, Buni, and Alipunga Prevention na ikinataas ng kilay ng mga dermatologists. Wala raw kasi itong sapat na background sa trabaho. Deadma si Mookah sa mga kritiko.

Ano ang susunod na puwestong ibibigay kay Mookah? Special envoy for garbage collection? Presidential adviser for TODA concerns? Commissioner for live webcam shows? ANO PA?!? ANO!!!??? Also, bakit ganito ang title ng movie? Sunday Beauty Queen pero walang kunek sa synopsis? Bakit parang nanloloko? Si Mookah rin ba ang may pakana ng misinformation na ito?

Synopsis: Sina Leni at Patricia ay mga bagong salta sa bayan ng San Isidro. Volunteer social workers ang dalawa at tumutulong sa mahihirap na residente. Isang araw, naka-receive sila ng text message mula sa kapitan:

Madam Leni and Madam Patricia,
Sabi ni Kap, tigilan n’yo na raw ang ginagawa n’yo. Feelingera raw kayong dalawa. Feeling n’yo raw kayo lang ang magaling. Feeling n’yo raw walang ginagawang mabuti si Kap. Kaya mabuti pa, lumayas na kayo. Or else, ipatatapon kayo ni Kap sa isang secluded na lugar!

Walang nagawa si Leni. Umalis siya sa nasabing bayan at ipinagpatuloy ang gawain sa ibang lugar. Ngunit naiwan si Patricia at pinanindigang walang sinumang makapipigil sa kanyang trabaho.

Ano ang gagawin ni Mayor upang mapalayas sa kanilang lugar si Patricia? Sisiraan din kaya nila ito katulad ng ginawa nila kay Leni? Bakit pilit na pilit ang title ng pelikulang ito? At bakit pilit na pilit din ang synopsis? Ganun ba talaga kahirap magpatawa?

Synopsis: Tatlong buwan nang nakaburol ang pinatalsik sa puwestong si Gov. Fernando Narcos. Nangangamoy na nga ang bangkay ng matanda dahil hindi pala ito binalsamo bilang pagsunod sa kanyang huling hiling. Hindi mailibing si Narcos sa pinakamalapit na sementeryo dahil sa pagtutol ng taumbayan. Noong nasa puwesto pa kasi ang gobernador, ibinulsa nito ang milyun-milyong pisong kinita ng kapitolyo mula sa mga minahan ng ginto sa kanilang lalawigan.

Nag-demand ang mga residente na ibalik ng pamilya Narcos ang kanilang ninakaw. Ngunit dahil ubod nang kapal ang mukha ng biyuda at mga anak ng gobernador, deadma sila sa panawagan ng taumbayan.

Isang araw, nagulat na lang ang publiko nang mabalitaang palihim na inililibing ang pumanaw na gobernador. Sumugod sila sa sementeryo upang magprotesta. Naabutan nila doon ang buong pamilya Narcos. Nagkaroon ng sigawan, sumbatan at murahan. Sa gitna ng kaguluhan, nagsalita ang panganay na anak ng gobernador, si Noemi at nagbantang tutusukin ng kanyang matulis na baba ang sinumang pipigil sa libing ng kanyang ama. Ngunit hindi nagpasindak ang taumbayan.

Saan hahantong ang komprontasyon? Ituloy kaya ni Noemi ang kanyang banta? Bakit namamaga ang mukha ng kapatid na lalaki ni Noemi na si Gonggong? Totoo kayang umiinom ng formalin tablets ang kanilang inang si Esmeralda kaya’t hindi mamatay-matay? Baka nga.

Synopsis: Matapang na babae si Leila. Kinalaban niya ang isang mayor na sangkot sa sunud-sunod na patayan sa kanilang bayan. Dahil dito, napag-initan ng mga tauhan ni Mayor si Leila. Inakusahan nila ito ng drug trafficking, pornography, adultery, acts of lasciviousness, indecent exposure, prostitution, at sexting with a married subordinate. Dahil ‘di pa rin matinag-tinag si Leila, dinukot ito ng mga tauhan ni Mayor at inihulog sa isang septic tank.

Makaahon pa kaya si Leila mula sa pagkakalubog? Humihinga kaya siya habang lumalangoy sa dumi ng tao? Paano kung malunok niya ito? Ngayong ubod na siya nang baho, makahanap pa kaya siya ng lalaking magmamahal sa kanya? Bakit si Leila may love life, ikaw wala? Hindi ka ba nai-insecure?

Suportahan po natin ang pelikulang Pilipino. Panoorin ang lahat ng entries. Maraming salamat po!
“Fiction reveals truth that reality obscures.”
~Jessamyn West

From Mocha Uson, MMFF 2016 Ambassadress (Whatever that means)


I can’t even.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.


24 12 2016


Have a safe Christmas & an even safer New Year!
“Men who thought of themselves as gods fell the farthest, and the hardest.”
~Nenia Campbell, ‘Cease and Desist’

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