(ISANG) ORDER OF LAPU-LAPU

17 04 2017

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CONGRATULATIONS to President Duterte for topping the TIME readers’ poll of the “most influential” people in the world this year. The magazine was quick to clarify however, those who voted for Duterte were not actually TIME readers but TIME bashers. Still, congratulations!

Kris
Congratulations also to Kris Aquino for landing an acting project in Hollywood. Unconfirmed reports say she is set to do the remake of the hit comedy from the year 2000 starring Ashton Kutcher and Seann William Scott. The movie’s working title is “Dude, Where’s My Career?”

Order of Lapu-Lapu
President Duterte recently announced the creation of the Order of Lapu-Lapu, an award for anyone who will render “invaluable or extraordinary service to a campaign or advocacy of the President.” In short, ‘asslickers.’

Order of Lapu-Lapu II
When asked why he decided to name the award ‘Order of Lapu-Lapu,’ President Duterte said, “Masyadong susyal kung ‘Order of Stonefish.’”

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Distrust
Vice President Leni Robredo recorded the highest distrust rating among the top national officials, the latest Pulse Asia survey showed. In totally unrelated news, Malacañang will confer the Order of Lapu-Lapu on Mocha Uson and Duterte’s keyboard warriors.

Distrust II
According to the latest Pulse Asia survey, the number of Filipinos who distrust Vice President Leni Robredo is higher than those who distrust self-confessed two-timer, death penalty advocate and traditional politician Pantaleon Alvarez. Meanwhile, another Pulse Asia survey revealed Leni Robredo has the worst PR team.

Protest Fee
Less than 24 hours after the Supreme Court ordered Bongbong Marcos to pay the election protest fee of 66.2-million pesos (either in full or installment basis), the defeated vice presidential candidate immediately paid 36 million pesos. In the words of Imelda Marcos, “Maliit na bagay.”

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Junket
Duterte fanatic and sex blogger Mocha Uson as well as controversial ex-jueteng bagman, and defeated senatorial candidate Sandra Cam joined President Duterte in his recent visit to the Middle East. The delegation has returned the other day. Uson and Cam can’t wait for the next junket with the President. Let’s hope the universe cooperates and those two get booked on a United Airlines flight.
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“I get so tired listening to ‘One million dollars here; one million dollars there.’ It’s so petty.”
~Imelda Marcos

Sound Bites
“Indeed Filipinos find in the President a kindred spirit – a leader who acts for the common good,
~Palace spokesman Ernesto Abella on Duterte’s topping the TIME online poll

“Well, I don’t need to tell you what I did because I’m not that kind of person.”
~Sandra Cam when asked how was she helping the OFWs

#DontUs

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Ezra Acayan/Reuters :Duterte]

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EXCLUSIVE: DUTERTE’S LENTEN MESSAGE

9 04 2017

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Mensahe
ng
Kagalang-galang Rodrigo R. Duterte
Pangulo ng Pilipinas
Sa sambayanang Pilipino
Ukol sa Mahal na Araw
[Ika-9 ng Abril 2017]

Ngayong panahon ng Kuwaresma, p*tang i*a, ang init! Namawis man ang kilikili ko. Pasensya na. Bakit? Sino ba sa inyo ang hindi nainitan? Lakasan mo nga ang aircon.

Ituloy ko na ang statement ko. Ngayong panahon ng Kuwaresma, ginugunita natin ang buhay at pagpapakasakit ni Hesukristo. Ikaw ba naman ang hampasin at ipako, siyempre, masaktan ka talaga.

Bilang mga tagasunod ni Hesus, nararapat lamang na gamitin nating inspirasyon ang kanyang buhay. Madami ding followers itong si Hesus, ‘no? Siguro, kung nag-Facebook man siya noon, trinding siya lagi. Kabahan man si Muka.

Bilang isang bansa, marami na tayong napatunayan sa landas ng pagkakaisa, pagkakawanggawa, at pagmamalasakit sa kapwa. Sino bang sumulat ng statement na ito? Ang haba man ng words. Laktawan ko na ang iba.

Marami na akong nabigyan ng trabaho. ‘Yung mga walang ginagawang artista, nailagay ko na sa pwisto sa gobyerno. Tuwang-tuwa ang mga gago. Wala namang civil service eligibility, yawa!

At dahil ayaw natin sa kurapsyon, marami na rin akong sinibak. Tapos sasabihin ng mga gagong media, “Eh sino bang nag-appoint – ‘di ba ikaw din?” Putang ina! Siyempre ako. Ako ang prisidinti eh. Eh ‘di ako. ‘Tang ina n’yo, gago!

Ituloy ko na ang statement ko.

Si Hudas ay nagtaksil kay Hesus. Gago! Parang ‘yung isa d’yan. Nagpunta pa sa UN para magsumbong. Ulol! Eh ‘di magsumbong ka! Alis na lang tayo sa UN. Ikaw na lang mag-isa ang mag-miyimbro – ‘tang ina.

Si Hesus ay inaresto at iniharap kay Pilato. Sabi sa Bible, trial daw. Gago! Walang trial, trial dun. Tinanong lang ni Pilato ang taumbayan, tapos, sentensyado na. Death penalty agad. Kaya sa mga ayaw sa death penalty, tama si Manny, nasa Bible ‘yun.

Matapos ipako at mamatay sa krus si Hesus, umiyak ang kanyang inang si Maria at iba pang kamag-anak. ‘Kita n’yo na? Nanahimik man sila kahit pinatay ang relative nila. Dito, isisi man lahat sa akin ng media. Gago! Wala ngang reklamo ang kamag-anak, tapos kayong media nagrereklamo ng EJK, EJK. ‘Tang ina n’yo. EJK n’yo mukha n’yo. Ulol!

Sino bang sumulat ng statement na ito? Masyadong mahaba. Ayaw ko nang ituloy.

Basta ngayong Holy Week, tuloy ang laban sa druga. Huwag kayong maniwala sa tsismis na kaya lumilindul eh galit sa akin ang Panginoon. Ulol! Gusto ng Diyos na patayin ang mga adik at pusher kaya lumilindul.

Ako ang paniwalaan n’yo. Huwag ang media. Tang ina nila. Hangga’t buhay ako, puprotektahan ko kayo sa adik at pusher. Isama na rin ninyo ang lindul. Ipa-tokhang ko man ang lindul.

‘Tang ina.

-END-

1lent
THE CHRISTIAN tradition of Lent culminates this Holy Week. It’s the season of betrayal, abandonment, pain and suffering. Or as that’s also called, “the past eight months.”

Many Christians have given up something for Lent: junk food, smoking, infidelity, alcohol, etc. You know, the bad things. In fact, many thinking Filipinos are ‘giving up’ this administration.

In different parts of the country, expect to see senakulo – a play depicting the life and sufferings of Jesus. Manny Pacquiao and our congressmen will surely enjoy that moment when Jesus is sentenced to death.

President Duterte is invited to attend the senakulo organized by PNP Chief Bato De La Rosa. In the modern version of the play, Jesus suffered, and was later, killed inside Camp Crame.

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Also in that play, relatives of ‘Jesus’ easily identified his lifeless body. There was a cardboard sign that reads, “Nagmamagaling ako. Huwag tularan.”

On Facebook, a furious Mocha Uson lambasted the organizers of a senakulo for rejecting her during the auditions. Apparently, she wanted to play the role of the Virgin – her lifelong dream.

To fulfill her dream, Mocha Uson and her Ka-DDS friends, Jimmy Bondoc, Arnell Ignacio, Kat De Castro and Vivian Velez produced their own stage play. In their version of the senakulo, the fanatics crucified Leni Robredo.
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“All spiritual practices are illusions created by illusionists to escape illusion.”
~Ram Dass

Sound Bites
“You know, you’re just a f—ing employee, why don’t you have a heart for the poor? You know you are so young and you’re already bought by the greed and selfishness. I don’t like it.”
~DENR Sec. Gina Lopez to BusinessWorld reporter Janina Lim

Have a safe week! Enjoy your vacation!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo: Inquirer.net]





SHAIMFUL*

3 04 2017

1Crowd
THERE WAS a gathering of Duterte fanatics led by Mocha Uson, Jimmy Bondoc, Kat De Castro, Vivian Velez and erstwhile Janet Napoles lawyer Bruce Rivera in Luneta last April 2. The group called for the ouster of Vice President Leni Robredo. According to the NCR Police Office, the rally attracted only 3,500 Ka-DDS – prompting a local sanitary inspector to drop by the venue after receiving reports the rally was “nilalangaw.”

3,500
#PalitBise organizers Mocha Uson, Jimmy Bondoc, Arnell Ignacio, Vivian Velez and Bruce Rivera could only mobilize 3,500 of their fellow Ka-DDS for Sunday’s rally in Luneta. To give you some perspective, the number of EJK victims was even larger.

Online Appeal
Organizers appealed to their fellow Ka-DDS online to join the Luneta rally on Sunday. “Thousands” were not able to show up though because, you know, computers cannot attend rallies.

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Shame
Jimmy Bondoc called on Vice President Leni Robredo to “stop shaiming” President Duterte. He also appealed to the international media to “stop maligning” the President. He then insisted, “Dead bodies are only on the TV screens.” When President Duterte heard these statements, he asked Bondoc, “Binigyan na kita ng puwesto ‘di ba? Ano pa bang gusto mo?”

Lectures
Some 3,500 Ka-DDS members including Mocha Uson, Jimmy Bondoc, Kat De Castro, Arnell Ignacio, Vivian Velez, and former Napoles lawyer Bruce Rivera attended the #PalitBise rally in Luneta. In fiery speeches, organizers lectured critics on how to treat the President “fairly.” In response, critics lectured the organizers on how to spell ‘shaiming’ correctly.

#PalitBise
Organizer Jimmy Bondoc said he created the hashtag #PalitBise for the rally. And the hashtags #PalitCareer and #HindiBusy for the organizers.

Untitled
Top 5 Movie Remakes Inspired by the #PalitBise Rally of Duterte Fanatics Led By Mocha Uson, Jimmy Bondoc, Vivian Velez, Arnell Ignacio and Kat De Castro in Luneta

No. 5: La La Ngaw Land

No. 4: Hinakot Ka Ngunit Kulang

No. 3: Pagputi ng Uwak, Pag-itim ng Balak

No. 2: The Fault in Our Starlets

And the No. 1 movie remake inspired by the #PalitBise rally in Luneta:

Fanatic Beasts and Where to Find Them
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“Fanatics are like debris following the course of the wind, they are swept around like sand, and convinced to believe in what they do not understand.”
~Michael Bassey Johnson

Sound Bites
“We’re all hypocrites here. Pati si Speaker. Ba’t matanong ilan ang babae? Lahat kami dito wala nang ranggo kapag ganu’n! Sino bang walang kaligayahan?”
~President Duterte defending House Speaker Alvarez’s extramarital affair

Birds of a feather…

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Shared on Twitter by netizens]





PLOTTERS AND THE BEAST

29 03 2017

DISNEY’S blockbuster live action ‘Beauty and the Beast’ is still showing in the Philippines. Of course, we’re all familiar with the story: An attractive woman falls for a horrible monster. They got married and had three children: Paolo, Sara and Baste.

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Birthday
President Duterte celebrated his 72nd birthday last March 28 by spending some quality time with his family in Davao City. There was no lavish party. There were no expensive gifts. Duterte said he has received the best gifts in advance – more than 8,000 of them.

Junked
The Supreme Court junked the disbarment case filed by losing senatorial candidate Greco Belgica against Ombudsman Conchita Carpio-Morales. Belgica was mocked by netizens because of his complaint’s ludicrous prefatory statement which even quoted singer Eric Clapton. When sought for reaction on the SC’s decision, Belgica said, “I must be strong / And carry on / ‘Cause I know / I don’t belong / Here in heaven.”

Plot. Again.
According to presidential spokesman Ernesto Abella, the New York Times’ documentary and strongly worded editorial on extrajudicial killings in the Philippines were part of a plot to oust President Duterte. Abella declined to name the co-conspirators in the alleged plot although multiple sources have identified two other ‘plotters’ – Buerger’s disease and Barrett’s esophagus.

Hacks
Presidential spokesman Ernesto Abella described The New York Times journalists as “hack writers.” To those asking for the definition of “hack writers,” See ‘Mocha Uson”‘ or ‘Martin Andanar.’

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Child Porn
Mocking the European Union (EU) for expressing concern about extrajudicial killings in the country, Duterte fanatic and newly-appointed DSWD assistant secretary Lorraine Badoy wrote on Facebook, “Iyong mga taga-EU, mag-online child porn muna kayo. D’yan naman kayo magaling eh.” Which begs the question, what has this woman been watching?

The Other Badoy
Over the weekend, at least three people asked me on Facebook, “Iisang tao ba ‘yung Lorraine Badoy at Gang Badoy?” I replied, “No. One is respected, relevant and sane. The other is Lorraine.”

Geniuses
Three Duterte allies in Congress: Pantaleon Alvarez, Rodolfo Fariñas, and Reynaldo Umali recently filed a bill that seeks to transfer the functions of the PCGG (mainly, recovering the Marcoses’ ill-gotten wealth) to Solicitor General Jose Calida, a known Marcos defender and loyalist. The full title of House Bill 5233 is AN ACT INSULTING THE INTELLIGENCE OF ‘THINKING’ FILIPINOS WHILE PRETENDING THAT THE REST DON’T HAVE ANY.”

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Kiefer’s Photos
An Ateneo grad was arrested for allegedly trying to extort money from basketball star Kiefer Ravena over some leaked nude photos. Netizens who saw the alleged photos thought Kiefer would just ignore the issue saying, “Maliit na bagay.”

Since the alleged leak happened, Kiefer has decided to keep mum – until the arrest of the suspect on Wednesday. Some observers say, “Patay na eh. Binuhay pa. Baka lumaki lang.” Ang isyu.
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“Idiots are of two kinds: those who try to be smart and those who think they are smart.”
~Raheel Farooq

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Elsewhere
WATCH… The New York Times’ documentary:  When A President Says I’ll Kill You

Sound Bites
“Talagang talo tayo sa propaganda. Iyung bawat galaw — o kahit wala pang galaw — mayroon na talaga silang kwento. Kaya nga sabi ko dati, mahirap talagang kalaban ang Marcos. Sila ang may capability; iyung infrasructure nila sa social media, in place. Mahirap talagang kalabanin kasi tayo, wala naman tayong resources.”
~Vice President Leni Robredo on BBM’s online propaganda and troll center

True.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte: Mans Carpio; Badoy: DSWD; The New York Times]





TONE DOWN

22 03 2017

TOURISM SECRETARY Wanda Tulfo-Teo urged Vice President Leni Robredo and the media to “tone down” statements and reports on extrajudicial killings to boost tourism in the country.

How do reporters tone it down? Here are some tips.

First, the statistics. Iwasang banggitin ang salitang libu-libo. Kung umabot na sa 8,000 ang napapatay, umisip ng alternatibong paraan upang mailahad ang estadistika. Halimbawa, sa halip na sabihing “walong libo,” gamitin ang “20 raised to the third power.” Pero kung pabor naman ang figures sa gobyerno, gawin itong eksaherado. Dapat ganito:

Reporter:
Ayon sa pag-aaral na ginawa ng ilang human rights groups, umabot na sa 20 raised to the third power ang bilang ng mga napapatay na Filipino mula nang ilunsad ng administrasyong Duterte ang war on drugs. Samantala, iniulat naman ng PNP na ang crime rate sa nakaraang anim na buwan ay bumaba ng cube root of 2,197 percent.

Second, the crime scene. Huwag gawing detalyado ang paglalarawan sa naganap na pagpatay. Hangga’t maaari, huwag babanggitin ang lugar kung saan ito naganap. Iwasan din ang paggamit ng mga salitang dugo, baril, karumal-dumal, patay, at biktima. Dapat ganito:

Reporter:
Isang kagawad ng barangay ang nabuwal, nawalan ng malay at hindi na gumising pa matapos matalsikan ng anim na pirasong metal sa iba’t ibang bahagi ng kanyang katawan. Ang anim na metal ay mula sa itim na bagay na hawak ng dalawang lalaking napadaan sakay ng kalilinis pa lamang nilang motorbike. Naka-helmet ang dalawang lalaki bilang pagsunod sa ordinansa ng lungsod. Ang insidenteng hindi naman dapat gawin pang big deal ay naganap d’yan lang.

Third, managing grief. Ito ang pinakaimportante sa lahat. Tiyaking hindi lalabas na kaawa-awa ang mga kamag-anak ng biktima. Kung kailangang walang maramdamang emosyon sa ulat, mas mabuti. Dapat ganito:

Reporter:
Nang makita ng kanyang misis ang lalaking ‘di na nagising, ngumiti ito, tumingin sa langit, at nagpasalamat. Ayon sa ginang, “Panginoon, ikaw naman talaga ang may kagustuhan nito. Sino po ba ako para magreklamo? Tinatanggap ko ang pagkawala ng aking mister. Maraming salamat sa maigsing panahong siya ay aking nakasama. Love love love you beh saan ka man naroroon.”

Kung emosyonal man ang mga kamag-anak, siguraduhing pabor sa gobyerno ang kanilang sasabihin. Dapat ganito:

Reporter:
Nagdiwang ang mga kamag-anak ng kagawad nang malamang ‘di na ito nagising matapos tamaan ng anim na piraso ng metal sa iba’t ibang bahagi ng katawan. Ayon sa ‘di nagpakilalang tiyuhin nito, “Blessing ang nangyaring ito dahil matagal na namin siyang pasanin. Tiyak na magiging payapa at maunlad ang lugar namin dahil dudumugin ito ng mga negosyante. Mabuhay ka Tatay Digong!”

Lastly, the cops. Sila ang nasa forefront ng kampanya laban sa droga, dapat sila ang laging bida. Dapat ganito:

Reporter:
Bilang pakikisama sa magigiting na pulis na sumalakay sa isang squatters area, anim na hinihinalang tulak ng droga at limang hinihinalang drug addict ang naki-cooperate sa raiding team. Taos-puso silang humanay upang hindi na mahirapan pa ang mga awtoridad. Sa madaling salita, boluntaryo ang pagkamatay nila. Dinala na ang kanilang mga bangkay sa ‘di pinangalanang punerarya upang agarang ma-cremate.  

Sample Tabloid Story
KASAMA na ngayon ni Papa Jesus ang isang hinihinalang pusher matapos na boluntaryong magpatama ng hindi bababa sa sampung piraso ng metal sa kanyang katawan.

May ngiti pa sa mga labi ni Bongbong Calida habang yakap ng kanyang misis na malaki ang pasasalamat sa mga pulis dahil sa nangyari.

“Naniniwala po ako sa afterlife at alam kong hihintayin niya ako doon kaya hindi ako dapat malungkot,” paliwanag ng ginang.

Ang limang taong gulang na anak ni Calida ay nahagip din ng metal sa kanang braso. Ngunit nagpakita ng tapang ang bata matapos sabihan ng lider ng raiding team, “Nene, ‘wag kang umiyak o matakot. Parang kagat lang ng langgam ‘yan.”

Mula nang ilunsad ng administrasyong Duterte ang ‘war on drugs,’ dalawa lamang sa halos tatlong daang miyembro ng dalawang kapulungan ng Kongreso ang nagsalita laban dito. Ibig sabihin, mayorya ng mga senador at kongresista ay naniniwalang malapit na ngang maging next Singapore ang Pilipinas.

At press time, 20 raised to the third power na ang boluntaryong tumawid sa kabilang buhay upang makasama si Papa Jesus. #

Note:
Simula next year, ang short course na ito on alternative reporting ay opisyal nang isasama sa curriculum sa mga state colleges and universities sa bansa at tatawaging ‘Teology 101.’
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“Don’t blame the messenger because the message is unpleasant.”
~Ken Starr

Sound Bites
“’Yung mga statements na ganoon, nahihirapan kaming i-sell ang Philippines so I hope we could kung puwede even… this does not only refer to VP Leni but also to the media to please medyo i-tone down natin yung [reports] on extrajudicial killings.”
~Tourism Sec. Wanda Tulfo-Teo

Elsewhere
The New York Times:
“Violence in the house, violence in the school and violence in the neighborhood. That is why he is always angry. Because if you have pain when you are young, you are angry all the time.”

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

(Photos: EJK: Reuters; Wanda Teo: GMA Network)





OF SENATORS AND STUPIDITY

18 03 2017

AN IMPEACHMENT complaint has been filed against President Duterte. The complaint is expected to be meted the death penalty in Congress.

Pick of the Week
From ‘The Weekly with Charlie Pickering’ an Australian satirical TV news program. Truthful, biting, hilarious.

“Resource” Person
Controversial starlet and sex advice blogger Mocha Uson was invited as resource speaker by the Philippine Army to an event that aims “to promote awareness on security challenges through intellectual discourse with experts in various disciplines.” It was an enlightening talk. She taught the soldiers the different positions during battle.

Stupid
Tito Sotto, the paragon of intellect and wit at the Senate, was quoted to have said 50 percent of Filipino drivers were stupid. You ungrateful bitch! If not for their stupidity, you wouldn’t be elected senator.

Stupid II
According to Tito Sotto, more than 50 percent of Filipino drivers are stupid. In response, Filipino drivers say “more than half of senators are Tito Sotto.”

Intimate Dinner I
Senators who belong to the ‘majority’ bloc had an “intimate” dinner with their ‘amo’ – President Duterte recently. It was a lovely and satisfying evening for the senators who each had a hefty serving of Pedigree, Royal Canin, and Alpo.


Intimate Dinner II
Majority bloc senators had an “intimate dinner” with President Duterte. Before dinner started, Duterte asked Manny Pacquiao to lead the prayer. He then asked Loren Legarda to lead the singing of the Philippine national anthem. And to everyone’s surprise, he also asked Grace Poe and Alan Peter Cayetano to lead the singing of the Star Spangled Banner.

Intimate Dinner III
The Senate’s majority bloc had an “intimate” dinner with President Duterte last Tuesday. No other government official was invited although Solicitor General Jose Calida was allowed entry to award each senator with a ‘Republic Defenders’ pin.

Missing Andanar
Since losing his ‘messaging’ job two weeks ago, Communications Secretary Martin Andanar has been very quiet. Please return soon. We miss your blunders.

Knockout
It was like watching Floyd Mayweather Jr. fight Manny Pacquiao all over again with the same results. Worse even. The incompetence of Manny Pacquiao was in full display when Senator Drilon interpellated him on a proposed measure. During the break, Pacquiao reportedly went to the restroom, faced the mirror and said, “Why am I doing this to myself?”

After the interpellation, Manny Pacquiao admitted he failed to answer Drilon’s questions because he had a shoulder injury.

In case you missed it…


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“The biggest mistake of a democratic country is to underestimate the power of a democratically elected pro-fascist leader because it is always easier to destroy a castle from within!”
~Mehmet Murat ildan

Sound Bites
“As to the plan or the objective of the house speaker, we really could not tell at this point but we see it purely as conditioning the minds of the public and also really trying to bring the credibility of the vice president down.”
~Georgina Hernandez, spokesman of VP Leni Robredo on House Speaker Alvarez’s impeachment threat

Reality bites.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: JV Ejercito]





PRE-CAM

13 03 2017

PRE-CAM, noun.
The initial outburst of arrogance of a wannabe government official.
See ‘feelingera,’ ‘assuming,’ ‘entitled.’


SANDRA CAM was a trending topic online over the weekend. The self-confessed jueteng bagwoman who collected gambling money for the Arroyos blew her top at the VIP lounge of the Ninoy Aquino International Airport recently. She reportedly berated airport employees when she was not accorded the VIP treatment.

Here are excerpts from the incident report filed by the Manila International Airport Authority – specifically the transcript of the exchange between Cam and the airport staff.

Airport Staff: Ma’am, ID po.

Sandra Cam: ID? Anong ID? Hindi mo ba ako nakikilala?

Staff: Kaya nga po nagtatanong ng ID ‘di ba?

Cam: My god! Tumakbo ako sa pagka-senador, hindi mo pa rin ako kilala?!?

Staff: Lorna Kapunan?

Cam: Excuse me. Ang layo naman yata.

Staff: Kung maka-“layo” naman ‘to! Hawig nga eh. Clue pa po!

Cam: Jueteng!

Staff:

Cam: Whistleblower!

Staff:

Cam: Jueteng whistleblower!

Staff: Sabi ko na nga ba eh! Kayo nga ‘yun! Chavit Singson!!!!

Staff: Ma’am kailangan po namin ng ID.

Cam: ID? Hindi mo ba ako nakikilala?!?

Staff: Sino ba kayo?

Cam: Hindi mo talaga ako kilala????? Clue: Tumakbo akong senador noong Mayo.

Staff: Aba, malay ko. Ang dami kayang tumakbo.

Cam: Isa pang clue: jueteng bagman ako dati.

Staff: Obvious naman eh. Pero sorry, ‘di ko pa rin kayo kilala.

Cam: Naging whistleblower ako. Hindi mo pa rin ako natatandaan?!?

Staff: Hindi po eh. Sirit na.

Cam: Hay naku! Ako si SANDRA CAM!!!! S-A-N-D-R-A-C-A-M Sandra Cam! Tandaan mo ‘yan!

Staff: Sus! Ang dami n’yo pang kuda eh. Kung sinabi n’yo agad na “De Lima sex videos,” eh ‘di madali kong nahulaan.

Cam:

Staff: Pengeng ID.

Staff: Ma’am ID po.

Cam: ID? Anong ID?

Staff: Kailangan pong magpakita kayo ng government ID dito sa VIP lounge.

Cam: Hindi mo ba ako nakikilala?! HINDI MO BA AKO NAKIKILALA?!????

Staff: Bakit ma’am? Kayo ba si Maine Mendoza o si Liza Soberano para makilala ko? HINDI!!!! HINDI KO KAYO KILALA! ‘TANG INA!

Cam:

Staff: Sorry ma’am, ang ingay ng eroplano. Napasigaw tuloy ako.

Staff: Ma’am kailangan po ng ID dito.

Cam: ID? Anong ID? Hindi mo ba ako nakikilala?! Kaibigan ko si Bong Go!

Staff: So???

Cam: Ahhhh ganun! Anong pangalan mo? Patingin ng ID mo.

Staff: ID? Anong ID? Hindi n’yo po ba ako nakikilala?

Cam: Bakit? Kaibigan mo rin si Bong Go?!?

Staff: Opo! Kaibigan ko rin si Bong Go!

Cam:

Staff:

Cam: ‘Di nga?!

Staff: Joke lang. Baka makalusot.

Staff: Penge pong ID ma’am.

Cam: ID?!? Anong ID? Hindi mo ba ako nakikilala?

Staff: ‘Pag gov’t official po, kailangang magpakita ng ID.

Cam: Ahhh ganun? Maghintay ka ng three months dahil malapit na akong bigyan ng puwesto sa gobyerno.

Staff: Ahhh, ganun? Pwes, bumalik na lang kayo after three months.

Cam:

Staff: Si Bong Go ho, nalimutan n’yo yatang i-namedrop. Go!

Staff: Ma’am kailangan po n’yong magbayad ng P1,200 for using the VIP lounge.

Cam: Huh! Bakit ako magbabayad ng 1,200 eh wala naman kayong sini-serve dito kundi tubig at kape?!? NO!

Staff: ‘Tang inang ‘to. Wala na ngang ID, wala pang 1,2. Eh ba’t pa kayo nagpunta rito?

Cam: Ahhh ganun. Hindi mo ba alam na

Staff: Si Bong Go? Sasabihin n’yo, kilala n’yo si Bong Go? Magni-name drop na naman kayo para matakot ako? Ipamumukha n’yo sa aking may kuneksyon kayo at kinakaya n‘yo ang maliliit na empleyado!?! Bong Go! Bong Go! Bong Go! ‘Yan ang panakot n’yo! Hindi ba tama ako? SUMAGOT KA! HINDI BA TAMA AKO!?!

Cam: Oo.

Staff:

Cam:

Staff: Pengeng ID. Bilis!
_________________________________________________________________________________
“Those who claim the right to that arrogance without accomplishments to back it up deserve to be exposed.”
~Jeff Ashton

Sound Bites
“So iyan ang promise ko at tutulungan ko siya. If she would ask me for work, I would give her the work. Utang na loob ‘yan eh.”
~President Duterte on Sandra Cam

“What I said exactly is that instead of having me present to you a government ID, you wait until 2 months, I will be joining the government and I’m sure that I can give you the government ID that you need.”
~Sandra Cam

Best and brightest my foot.

[Photos: Sandra Cam: Alex Nuevaespaña/Senate PRIB; ClipArtKid; ClipArt Library; ClipArtFox; ClipArtFest]





MADAM SECRETARY & DEATH PENALTY

9 03 2017

  1. TAKE our latest news quiz slash survey. This time, there will be no wrong answers. You just have to read. Enjoy!

1: Galit na galit ang mga opisyal ng Malacañan nang mapanood ang teaser ng latest episode ng US TV series na ‘Madam Secretary.’ Ipinakita kasi rito ang panghihipo ng isang fictional Philippine president sa babaeng US Secretary of State. Bakit napikon nang todo ang mga taga-palasyo?
A: Ang pamagat kasi ng episode ay “President First (Dapat una si presidente)”
B: Sarcastic daw ang show dahil ang gumanap na presidente ay walang pores.
C: Ang CBS kung saan ipinapalabas ang ‘Madam Secretary’ ay “bias” at “dilawan.”
D: Mas katanggap-tanggap daw kasing maakusahang murderer kaysa manyak.

2: Sa teaser ng US TV series na ‘Madam Secretary,’ ipinakita ang pagsuntok ng bidang babae sa fictional Philippine president dahil sa panghihipo nito. Galit na galit ngayon ang palasyo at ang mga ka-DDS. Kung sa totoong buhay nangyari ang panghihipo, ano ang magiging reaksyon nila?
A: “Pilyo lang talaga si Tatay Digong. Wala siyang masamang intensyon.”
B: “Presidente ‘yan ‘no! Choosy ka pa girl? #PahipoGoals”
C: “Sinungaling ‘yan! ‘Di naman kagandahan, bakit ka hihipuan?!”

3: Kung may susuntukin pang fictional Filipino government official sa nasabi ring palabas, sino ang gusto mong isunod?
A: Manny Pacquiao
B: Vitaliano Aguirre
C: Martin Andanar
D: Bato De La Rosa
E. Alan Peter Cayetano
F: Honorable MTRCB Board Member Mocha Uson
G: “Bias” ang tanong na ito. Ang daming choices. Pagsabay-sabayin na lang mga ‘yan!

4: Noong Lunes, nilektyuran ni Manny Pacquiao ang self-confessed Davao Death Squad henchman na si retired police officer Arturo Lascañas tungkol sa “spiritual renewal.” Ayon kay Pacquiao, ang tao ay “spiritually renewed” kung:
A: Hindi na nakikiapid sa mga sexy celebrities
B: Hindi na nagsusugal sa casino
C: Hindi na nandadaya sa pagbabayad ng buwis
D: Quote nang quote ng Bible verses habang ipinagtatanggol ang death penalty at ipinagdidiinang ang lifestyle ng LGBT community ay mas masahol pa kaysa sa hayop.

5: Matapos mabistong nagsinungaling sa isyu ng US citizenship, ibinasura ng Commission on Appointments ang pagkakatalaga kay Perfecto Yasay bilang Foreign Affairs Secretary. Ano ang naging reaksyon ni Yasay?
A: “Bahagi ito ng destabilization plot laban kay Pangulong Duterte.”
B. “Kagagawan ito ng mga Amerikano dahil alam nilang mas close ako sa mga Chinese!”
C: “O ano Alan Peter Cayetano, masaya ka na?”

6: Nabasura ang appointment ni Perfecto Yasay. Sabi ng palasyo, papalitan na lang ito. Nabisto kasi ang kanyang PAGSISINUNGALING. Tanong:
A: Bakit nand’yan pa si Vitaliano Aguirre?
B: Anong ginagawa ni Mocha Uson sa MTRCB?
C: Hanggang kailan sa puwesto si Martin “$1,000” Andanar?


7: Matapos mangakong paninindigan niya ang kanyang anti-death penalty stance, biglang bumaligtad ang LGBT rights advocate at kinatawan ng Bataan na si Geraldine Roman. Bumoto ito pabor sa bill. Binabatikos tuloy siya ngayon ng mga netizens. Ano ba ang naging paliwanag niya?
A: “Kebs sa mga bashers! Mas feel ko na ngayong tsugiin ang mga criminals!”
B: “Imbey ako sa reporter na ‘yan ng PTV 4. Sa truth lang, I was misquoted last year. ‘Buti na lang walang nanonood sa kanila.”
C: “Pag nag-vote ako ng NO sa bill, wit ako gibsung ni House Speaker Alvarez ng datung. Waley akong boodjei para sa mga utaw sa probinsya. Baka Hindira Gandhi ako mare-reelect sa 2019. Afraidy aguilar!”

8: Sa Kamara, 216 ang bumoto pabor sa death penalty bill, at 54 lamang ang tumutol. Bakit?
A: Kasi nga, wala sa listahan ng heinous crimes ang plunder. Ibalik n’yo ang plunder, tiyak na tututulan ng mga ‘yan ang bitay.
B: Change had come: mula sa pagiging buwaya, naging tuta naman sila noong botohan.
C: Dahil sa totoo lang, mahihirap lang naman ang tiyak na mabibitay; ‘yong mga milyonaryo sa Kongreso, ligtas na ligtas ang mga ‘yan.

9: Ang LGBT rights advocate na si Geraldine Roman, pinaboran ang death penalty bill. Pero si dating First Lady Imelda Marcos, bumoto laban dito. Ano ang masasabi mo?
A: Buhay pa pala si Imelda?!?
B: Ilang taon na ba ‘yan, 200?!
C: Masamang damo, matagal mamatay.

10: Nagrereklamo si Dante Jimenez ng Volunteers Against Crime Corruption. Hindi raw dapat sa PNP Custodial Center sa Camp Crame na-detain si Sen. Leila De Lima kundi sa ordinaryong kulungan. Unfair daw ito. Ano ang definition ng “fair” para kay Jimenez?
A: Ang pagbibigay ng immunity at special privileges sa high-profile convicted drug lords na tumestigo laban kay De Lima
B: Ang espesyal na kulungan para sa mga akusadong plunderer na sina Bong Revilla at Jinggoy Estrada
C: Extrajudicial killing – kasi “Justice delayed is justice denied” kaya mas ok ‘yung patayin na agad ang mahihirap na ‘yan. Wala nang trial-trial pa! ‘Yan ang fair.

11: Inutusan ni Mocha Uson ang kanyang mga alagad na zombies at trolls na i-invade ang Twitter. Pero mukhang bigo silang makapaghasik ng lagim sa Twitterverse dahil:
A: Mas witty ang mga tao doon kaysa sa Facebook.
B: May automatic block button sa Twitter.
C: Hindi sila maka-express ng complete thought dahil sa Twitter, 140 characters or less lang ang allowed.

12: Earlier this week, nag-trend ang “Bernard Palanca” sa Twitter. Bakit?
A: Nagkaroon siya ng “spiritual renewal”
B: Inakusahan siya ng pananakal
C: Nakipag-duet siya ng ‘Flashlight’ kay Jessie J.
________________________________________________________________________________
“Since governments take the right of death over their people, it is not astonishing if the people should sometimes take the right of death over governments.”
~Guy de Maupassant

Sound Bites
“I need not do that. Hindi na kailangan. I will not create a DDS, may police department ako.”
~President Duterte on his alleged ties with the so-called Davao Death Squad (DDS)


“Tell your brother, he killed a mountain.”
~DENR Sec. Gina Lopez to Cong. Ronnie Zamora during her confirmation hearing. 3/8/2017

That’s how you celebrate International Women’s Day!

[Photos: CBS Corp; Yasay: Geremy Pintolo/PhilStar; Roman: Jervis Manahan; Gina Lopez: Grig Montegrande/Inquirer]





STONEFISH

3 03 2017

1stonedigong
PRESIDENT DUTERTE has a new grandson. Davao City Mayor Sara Duterte-Carpio gave birth to Baby Marko Digong, her third child. The baby’s nickname is Stonefish. Stonefish weighs 2.42 kilos. At exactly 12:56PM on Thursday, March 2, he swam his way out of his mother’s womb. Inday Sara has two other kids, Sharky, 8, and Stingray, 4.

On Twitter, I wrote:

1stonefish

‘Stonefish’ became a trending topic on Twitter on Friday. Here are some of the funniest #Stonefish tweets.

1keightniss

* * *

1francisarthurc

* * *

1realdocpao

* * *

1chemmybreezy

* * *

1chenelynmercad0

* * *

1gie_nome

* * *

1glennagurang

* * *

1japethiscurly

* * *

1jaredlacaran

* * *

1jericsonjabar

* * *

1literalyjelly

* * *

1roaynatee18

* * *

1sowhatsnews

* * *

1chroniclikerr

* * *

1steelawake

———————————————————————————————————————————
“Names, once they are in common use, quickly become mere sounds, their etymology being buried, like so many of the earth’s marvels, beneath the dust of habit.”
~Salman Rushdie

Soundbites
“Ang pangalan daw Marko Digong. Ganoon talaga iyan si Inday… Ito ang palayaw daw Stonefish. Kaawa naman ang bata.”
~President Duterte

Fish be with you.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo: Presidential Assistant Bong Go]





SUPERMAN

2 03 2017

0dds
SELF-CONFESSED Duterte henchman, Arturo Lascañas has been preparing for his explosive DDS story on Monday at the Senate – while Vitaliano Aguirre is preparing another ambush story to divert public attention from the tell-all.

Retired policeman Arturo Lascañas said the code used by the Davao Death Squad for then Davao City Mayor Rodrigo Duterte was ‘Superman.’ He claimed ‘Superman’ ordered them to go after his “personal and political enemies.” Last week, President Duterte admitted knowing Lascañas and meeting him a couple of times every year. When asked where, he replied, “Krypton.”

Self-confessed DDS leader SPO3 Arturo Lascañas said they used ‘Superman’ as code for then Davao City Mayor Rodrigo Duterte. Whenever they mentioned ‘Superman’ in Davao, they were talking about just one: Duterte. There were several ‘Lois Lanes’ though.

Martin “$1,000” Andanar said the revelations of SPO3 Arturo Lascañas were part of a “political drama aimed to destroy the President.” No offense but, what’s there to destroy?

Focus
Vice President Leni Robredo has called on President Duterte to focus on the “war on poverty.” In response, Duterte said, “That has always been the priority of my death squads: the poor.

0jimparedes
Honored
Solicitor General Jose Calida honored 10 Duterte-BBM Youth members (who stormed the #EDSA31 celebration last Feb. 26) with a ‘Republic Defenders’ pin. You have probably seen the video. A member of the group couldn’t utter a single word when singer-songwriter and People Power defender Jim Paredes lectured him on extrajudicial killing. The guy deserved more than a pin for surviving that prolonged embarrassment.

Threat
Duterte-BBM Youth members, with the backing of Solicitor General Jose Calida, will reportedly file a case against Duterte critic Jim Paredes. Rumors say they’re charging him with assault and they have a very strong evidence to show – their bruised ego.

0andanarrappler
Ignored
In an effort to patch things up between Martin Andanar and Senate reporters whom Andanar recently accused of corruption, Senate President Koko Pimentel secretly invited the Communications Secretary to a dinner he hosted for the Senate media. While there though, Andanar was ignored by Senate reporters. Or as Mocha Uson would say, “Senate reporters, hindi pinansin si Secretary Martin Andanar matapos malamang hindi ito mamimigay ng 1,000 dollars.”

Ignored II
In a dinner hosted by Senate President Koko Pimentel for Senate reporters, Martin Andanar showed up. Senate reporters ignored him big time. But he was unfazed. He stayed. For that alone, Jose Calida is honoring Andanar with a ‘Republic Defenders’ pin.

Lent
Ash Wednesday (March 1) marked the start of Lent. Many are giving up something for Lent like junk food, sex, smoking, etc. The Philippine Senate just gave up its independence.

Up Next
Speaking before a huge crowd of Duterte fanatics at Rizal Park, Vitaliano Aguirre shouted, “Sino ang gusto n’yong isunod (na ikulong)?” Senators Zubiri, Gatchalian, Escudero, Villanueva, and Ejercito slammed Aguirre for his behavior which they described as “unbecoming of a justice secretary” and “irresponsible.” Well, Aguirre has repeatedly proven he was unfit to serve as justice secretary and yet, you, dear senators still confirmed his appointment. Talk about responsibility.

Barker
Sen. Grace Poe says as justice secretary Vitaliano Aguirre is expected to be fair and should not “moonlight as a ‘perya’ barker who agitates the crowd.” Aguirre felt slighted by Poe’s ‘perya barker’ comparison since his actual intention was to be a circus clown.

0lalaland
Oscars
This year’s Academy Awards ended in a messy mix-up when the assigned PricewaterhouseCoopers accountant, Brian Cullinan handed the wrong envelope to the presenters. It was an epic fail. Palpak ang trabaho. Reports say Cullinan will probably lose his job. He should not worry though because the Duterte government is interested in hiring him.

Oscars II
One of my favorite Oscar moments was ‘In Memoriam’ where we remember those who died the previous year. Among those we lost in 2016 were Carrie Fisher, Debbie Reynolds, Prince, and the logic of Duterte fanatics.
________________________________________________________________________________________
“He alone, who owns the youth, gains the future.”
~Adolf Hitler

Sound Bites
“You are expected to administer justice fairly and not to moonlight as a ‘perya’ barker who agitates the crowd.”
~Sen. Grace Poe to Vitaliano Aguirre

Kadiri.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Lascañas: Voltaire Domingo, NPPA; Andanar: Camille Elemia/Rappler; Oscars: Chris Pizzello/Invision/AP]





ALTERNATIVE FACTS

26 02 2017

1andanar
THOUGHT-PROVOKING ‘facts’ from Malacañang’s official online portal ‘The Official Gazette:’

Among the Top 5 government officials, President Duterte is the poorest. Based on his 2016 SALN, he has a net worth of only 645 thousand pesos.

Martin Andanar is a three-time Pulitzer Prize winning investigative journalist who is widely respected for his honesty, credibility, and integrity.

Manny Pacquiao is an HIV testing advocate. He is also the biggest donor to Pasay City’s Home for the Golden Gays, a refuge for the aged members of the LGBT community.

Mocha Uson is a virgin.

Vitaliano Aguirre was a consistent “Most Honest Pupil” awardee from Kindergarten to Grade 6.

Sen. Leila De Lima is a huge fan of Pablo Escobar. She has a ‘Pablo Escobar’ tattoo on her left thigh.

Tito Sotto has an IQ of over 180. He is a member of Mensa.

Before Jesse Robredo died, he sought the annulment of his marriage with Leni Robredo citing “irreconcilable differences” and a third party – Noynoy Aquino.

The Duterte administration does not tolerate online trolling. It will soon launch a campaign against vicious trolls, fake news and self-proclaimed bloggers who spread malicious information on or about anyone including critics of the government.

PNP Director General Ronald ‘Bato’ De La Rosa is an introvert, low-key person who shuns the limelight. He hates TV cameras and the media in general.

Alan Peter Cayetano has no plans of seeking a higher post in the future. He is supportive of President Duterte only because he truly loves this country. He will do everything for the Filipino people.

Imee Marcos was born in 1979, two years before Martial Law was lifted by his father. Her brother, Bongbong is still a millennial.

Sandro Marcos is a working student in London who pays for his own tuition, board and lodging. He is a responsible netizen who tweets with intellect, honesty and wisdom.

Imelda Marcos loves to travel. She has visited ALL of the world’s key cities except for one – Zurich. She hates Zurich.

Janet Lim-Napoles is a God-fearing, law-abiding woman who was falsely accused and wrongfully-convicted.

The pork barrel scam is a hoax perpetrated by the incompetent Aquino administration.

A joint probe recently conducted by the Human Rights Watch and Amnesty International found that the more than 7,000 deaths in the Philippines were not drug-related at all. It was a case of mass suicide attributed to climate change.

Before the Duterte administration took over, there were “three million addicts” in the Philippines. That number has significantly dropped to just 1,108 as of an hour ago.

South Korean businessman Jeck Ick Joo was assassinated by North Korean agents.

The Marcoses did not steal a single centavo from the Philippine government. Their multibillion peso bank deposits were donations from grateful Filipino taxpayers.

Official psychiatric records reveal Perfecto Yasay is a Sinophobe.

For 2017, Harry Roque is the recipient of the Most Gender-Sensitive Filipino Award from the United Nations Entity for Gender Equality and the Empowerment of Women.

Senate reporters each receive P10,000 for every ‘dilawan’ tweet and another P5,000 if that tweet is retweeted by their followers.

Martin Andanar is now the most-read Philippine Daily Inquirer columnist. His column has 16 million unique page views every minute.

Mocha Uson is now the most-read Philippine Star columnist and the most popular ‘political’ columnist in the solar system. As of February 25, her average daily unique page views is “infinite.”
———————————————————————————————————————————–
“The point of modern propaganda isn’t only to misinform or push an agenda. It is to exhaust your critical thinking, to annihilate truth.”
~Garry Kasparov

Sound Bites
“Unless Martin Andanar can present credible proof to back up his claims, he should zip his mouth or better yet, step down for gross abuse of his office and ignorance of his responsibilities.”
~National Union of Journalists of the Philippines

“Hindi niya laging alam ang sinasabi niya.”
~Former President Fidel Ramos on Martin Andanar

#SolidBurn

Elsewhere
Singer-songwriter Gary Granada comes out of retirement to write a song titled ‘Normal’ about the current situation in the Philippines. Read his biting yet moving composition here.
“Ang presidente na kriminal
Naging bayani na tinanghal
Ganyan na nga ba
OK ka lang ba
Na yan na ang bagong normal”

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Martin Andanar: Inquirer.Net]





BORED MEMBER: RATED SPG

21 02 2017

STARLET MOCHA USON has threatened to resign from the board of the MTRCB. On Facebook, the former sex blogger and adult performer slammed fellow board members for rejecting “change” in the agency. She also ranted against alleged lewd scenes in two ABS-CBN programs. Uson said, “Nakalulusot din ang mga malalaswang eksena na ipinagmamalaki pa ng mga TV network. Kung ayaw nila sa pagbabagong ito dahil sa may mga taong ayaw ng pagbabago, magre-resign po tayo.”

The other day, we caught up with the Queen of Duterte Trolls and Fanatics, and we’re sharing with you the transcript of our brief conversation with her. Ang susunod na panayam ay Rated SPG: Istriktong Patnubay at Gabay ng magulang ang kailangan. Maaaring may maselang tema, lenggwahe, karahasan, SEKSWAL, horror at droga na hindi angkop sa mga bata.

MOCHA, kumusta ka na?

Ok lang naman. Ano po ba ang kailangan n’yo? Medyo busy po tayo sa pagsisilbi sa bayan eh.

Grabe naman. Nakakaisang tanong pa lang ako! Presidente ka?!?

Hindi naman sa ganun. Busy lang talaga. Ano na pong tanong?

Ang dami kasing naninibago sa ‘yo. Ikaw na raw yata ang biggest change in the world sa past 10 years.

Kailangan na po talaga kasi natin ng tunay na pagbabago. At naniniwala akong dapat itong simulan sa ating mga sarili.

Gusto ko lang balikan ang ilan mong tweets. Ipaliwanag mo na rin. Unahin na natin ang isang ito.

mochabukaka

Kapag stressed ba, bumubukaka ka pa rin?

Hindi po ako magpapaka-ipokrito. Nami-miss ko rin naman ang pagbukaka lalo na ngayong mga panahong ito na super stressed ako. Pero mas importante na sa akin ngayon ang kapakanan ng ating bayan at ni Tatay Digong. So, hangga’t makakaya ko, pinipigilan ko.

Ano nang ginagawa mo kapag nai-stress ka?

Gumagawa na lang ako ng video para sa Facebook ko. Nagsusumbong ako sa followers ko at naglalabas ng sama ng loob sa kanila.

Ang dami mo pa ring naloloko ‘no?

Ano pong sabi n’yo?

Sabi ko, ang daming lokong-loko sa ganda mo.

Hindi naman po sa ganun. Mahal lang talaga ako ng mga Ka-DDS kaya kahit anong sabihin ko, paniwalang-paniwala sila. Bakit ka pa bubukaka kung marami namang napapaniwala?

May point ka. Punta na tayo sa iyong next tweet.

mochaundie

Ngayong nasa gobyerno ka na, isusulong mo pa rin ba ang National No Underwear Day?

Naku, mahirap po yata ‘yan lalo na kung kasama mo sa kuwarto si Tatay Digong. Medyo awkward na.

In short, change. Nagbago na rin ang isip mo, tama?

Tama po. Mas importante na si Pangulong Duterte kesa sa maaliwalas na pu**.

Ang bastos mo naman!

Pasensya na po. Nabigla lang. ‘Tsaka medyo na-miss ko ang ganung lenggwahe. Hihihi

Malibog ka ba?

Grabe s’ya! Baka nakakalimutan mo po, MTRCB board member na ako. Konting respeto naman.

May masama ba sa tanong ko?

Hindi po dapat ginagamit ang ganyang word kasi hindi ‘yan pambata. Baka may mga minor na nagbabasa ng interview na ito, nakakahiya.

Nahiya ka ba nang i-tweet mo ito?

mochalibog

May tanong pa ba kayo? Nagmamadali ako eh.

Galit na galit ka raw sa dalawang shows ng ABSCBN dahil may ipinapakitang kalaswaan?

Totoo po ‘yon. Ang ipinagtataka ko lang, bakit pumayag ang MTRCB na ipakita ang kalaswaang ‘yun? Inaabuso ng TV network na ‘yan ang SPG rating. Sa akin kasi, hindi dapat tinu-tolerate ang kababuyan sa telebisyon! WALANG LUGAR SA LIPUNAN ANG KALASWAAN!

Mabuhay ka Ka-DDS! Punung-puno ka talaga ng wisdom. ‘Note to self’ ba itong tweet mong ‘to?

mochanagmamalinis

Ayaw ko na pong patulan ‘yan. Sige po, aalis na ako.

Huling tanong na lang: Malaswa ba ang larawang ito?

mochaduterte

Wala pong malaswa sa picture na ‘yan. Ang nakikita ko lang d’yan ay mukha ng tunay na pagbabago. Mabuhay ka Tatay Digong. Salamat po.

Wait! Super last na talaga. Sagutin mo na lang ang sarili mong tanong sa Twitter:

mochadoggie

Ay grabe. Slut-shaming.

Anong slut-shaming? Huwag mong idamay ang mga slut! Nananahimik sila!

Ayoko pong sagutin. Masyadong malaswa. Walang lugar ang kalaswaan sa ating lipunan. Bye.
————————————————————————————————————–
“The only thing worse than a liar is a liar that’s also a hypocrite!”
~Tennessee Williams

Sound Bites
“Ikaw naman. Nalaman ko, hindi ka um-attend ng board meeting. At pag andun ka naman, hindi ka naman daw vocal sa mga concerns mo. Sumbong ka na lang nang sumbong sa taumbayan ng mga reklamo mo. I-translate mo yang mga reklamo mo sa pagkilos kung gusto mo talaga ng tunay na pagbabago. Ganun dapat.”
~Showbiz reporter/manager Ogie Diaz to Mocha Uson

#Burn

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: @MochaUson Tweets; Duterte: Grig Montegrandre/Inquirer.net]





SAVE THE QUEEN

18 02 2017

1napoles
ALLEGED pork barrel scam queen Janet Napoles is in the news again. You already know why. The other day, reporters went to the Correctional Institution for Women to interview her. They found Napoles at the mini-grocery store inside the prison compound. She was buying some important stuff that day: 1) Soap 2) Sanitary napkin 3) Solicitor General.

Solicitor General Jose Calida, the chief government lawyer has exerted efforts to acquit alleged pork barrel scam queen Janet Napoles. Before the multibillion-peso scam was uncovered, Napoles was quoted to have said, “We own the government.” That was before her prison term. Apparently though, she has reclaimed it.

Earlier this week, Jose Calida said alleged pork barrel scam queen Janet Napoles was “innocent and must be freed.” That’s Jose Calida, the chief government lawyer, our Sold Gen. Sorry, I mean, Sol Gen.

Lest we forget…
Reposting an excerpt from Krissy’s ‘interview’ with Janet Lim-Napoles in 2013 while the ‘queen’ was in hiding.

Krissy: Hi Ms Janet! We’ll play a rapid trivia game. Sasagot ka lang sa mga questions ko. Kung anong unang pumasok sa isip mo, ‘yun ang sabihin mo. Game Ka Na Ba?

Janet Napoles: Game na!

Let’s start! Ano ang G sa NGO?

Ghost!

Bongga! Kumpletuhin ang kasabihan: “Ang sinungaling ay kapatid ng… ”

Senador?

I’ll accept that! NEXT: Sino ang tatay ni Kiefer Ravena?

Bong!

Complete name please!

Bong Revilla! Ay, ano ba ‘yon? Sorry. Ravena pala!

Careful! NEXT: Kung ang beef ay galing sa baka, at ang venison ay galing sa usa, ang pork mo ay galing sa… ?

Buwaya!

I said PORK, Janet!

Kongresista!?!

PORK sabi eh!

Estrada? Ay, sorry Pareng Jinggoy. Nadulas lang.

Again, PORK. Last chance na!

Pulitika!

Time’s up! Nakakaloka ka! Hindi kita kinaya.

* * * * *

Hidden Wealth
According to Sen. Antonio Trillanes, President Duterte had as much as P2.4 billion in bank deposits which he failed to declare in his SALN. The President vows to resign if Trillanes could prove his claim. Last year, Duterte also promised to resign if he fails to solve the country’s drug problem in 3 to 6 months. Duterte’s children said Trillanes’s allegation was recycled. Just like their father’s promise to resign.

1interaksyon
Psych Test
President Duterte’s eldest son and Davao City Vice Mayor Paolo Duterte says Senator Trillanes should take a psychiatric test “as something is very very wrong with his mind.” Well, yeah. Because if there’s someone who should be familiar with nut cases, it has to be Rodrigo Duterte’s children.

Psych Test II
Paolo Duterte said Senator Trillanes must take take a psychiatric test “as something is very very wrong with his mind.” In response, Trillanes was like, “Hiyang-hiya naman ang sira ng ulo ko sa katinuan ng tatay mo!”

Charged
The Department of Justice has filed three cases against Sen. Leila de Lima, Ronnie Dayan and several others for alleged violation of the Comprehensive Dangerous Drugs Act. Good job Vitaliano Aguirre! Goodbye De Lima! Goodbye Dayan! Goodbye Immigration bribery scandal!

Cross Dressing
Expressing his opposition to the anti-discrimination bill during a Senate session, Manny Pacquiao said men should only dress as men and women should only dress as women. Then, he hurriedly left the building to catch a very long flight back to where he lives – the Dark Ages.

Death Penalty
Congressmen have removed plunder from the list of heinous crimes punishable with death. When asked why, the House Speaker said, “We can’t have empty session halls.”

zealandia
New Continent?
Scientists recently announced the discovery of Zealandia, a hidden continent attached to New Zealand. Almost entirely submerged in water, the huge landmass qualifies as a continent scientists say. When it heard the news, Pluto advised Zealandia to not ‘celebrate’ just yet, “Just look what they did to me! #stillhurting #cantmoveon”

Scientists discovered a hidden continent. But President Duterte is skeptic. He said he would resign if scientists could prove Zealandia was indeed a continent.
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“No matter how many lies you use to disguise it or how many excuses you bury it beneath, the truth will never cease to be true.”
~Richelle E. Goodrich

Sound Bites
“’Yung propaganda value ni Duterte, willing siyang mag-open, pero kung titingnan ang statement niya, wala sa posisyon ang AMLC to determine net worth. Kung talagang wala kang tinatago, Mr. President, sign a waiver. Buksan mo ang transaction history ng accounts mo. Hindi kita tatantanan, Mr. President.”
~Sen. Antonio Trillanes

“Even in the Bible, we can read na ang babae, dapat magsuot na pambabae; at ang lalaki, magsuot ng panlalaki.”
~Manny Pacquiao

2017 na. ‘Wag tanga.

Elsewhere
Newsbreak:
Three lawyers who defended Janet Lim Napoles are staunch Duterte supporters. One of them is now a deputy commissioner of the Bureau of Internal Revenue.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Napoles: Philippine Star; Paolo Duterte: Interaksyon; Zealandia: Sci-News.Com]





AMERICA FIRST, PHILIPPINES SECOND

12 02 2017

1amfirst

This is a message from the government of the Republic of the Philippines.

Dear Mr. President,

Welcome to this introduction video about the Philippines – the greatest country in the whole world… the universe rather. It’s true. It’s great. You’re gonna love it here.

Yes, the Europeans did it first but their videos are nothing compared to what we have prepared.

You must be wondering: where is the video? There is no video Mr. President. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Waley. You have to use your creative imagination. It’s challenging. It’s tough but it’s all worth it.

The Philippines is a small nation with a huge population: 103.18 million. The number of undocumented Filipinos in the United States is even larger than the population of Luxembourg or Iceland or Estonia. Take that Europe! It’s true. It’s that huge. But you already know that.

We were discovered by the Europeans in 1521. They saw us, they liked us, they owned us. Or – as you would say, “How Melania became Mrs. Trump.”

We are home to the most gorgeous women on the planet. That’s a fact. We have three Miss Universe winners, six Miss International titlists and a Miss World crown. They’re all lovely. They’re terrific. You can grab them by the tiaras.

There are two historical landmarks you’ll surely appreciate when you visit our country. There’s the tallest Virgin on EDSA and the Walled City of Manila.

1amfirst
Yes, we heard you plan to build a wall. That’s easy. We’ve done that several times in the metro. The walls were great. They were useful. We were able to hide the poor from the view of foreign visitors. Absolutely fantastic! No more slums. No more garbage.

Speaking of garbage, allow us to introduce you to the most popular woman in our country today, Mocha Uson. She’s liberated. She’s pretty. She’ll probably grab you by the birdie. Mocha is President Duterte’s Kellyanne Conway of sorts. Conway originated the phrase “alternative facts.” Mocha creates her own ‘facts.’ Facts here, facts there, facts everywhere. She enjoys it. It’s exhausting. She’s gotten tired of spreading sex jokes, she’s now spreading half-truths online.

Mocha Uson invented the term ‘presstitute’ to discredit legitimate media organizations. Fantastic. Absolutely creative. ‘Presstitute’ is a portmanteau. We’re certain she doesn’t know what that means. Let’s leave it at that. Our country doesn’t tolerate idiot-shaming. But slut-shaming is another story. Our congressmen loved it. It’s true. They totally enjoyed it.

Before Sean Spicer, there was Martin Andanar and Ernesto Abella. They attacked the media first. And second. They were the best interpreters ever – so much better than Miss France’s or Miss Philippines’s interpreter in the Miss Universe pageant.

Every single American president, so far, has had one or more pets living with him at the White House. You don’t have any pets. That makes our President Duterte better than you. He’s got Cayetano.

Like you, we hate Mexicans – boxers to be specific. We punch them. We hit them. We beat them until they’re unrecognizable. Like this one. A total disaster.

But Mexicans are still lucky. They make it out alive. We can’t say the same for South Koreans – especially those who are brought to Camp Crame.

We may have one of the slowest Internet services in the region but we have the best justice secretary and the fastest justice system in the world. Unbelievable but it’s true. Since July 2016, thousands of poor Filipinos have been executed without being tried or arrested. All of them. Instant death. It’s that fast. It’s crazy but it’s terrific. The people liked it.

You have Steve Bannon, we have Manny Pacquiao. Every time he opens his mouth, he quotes the Bible and the entire nation cringes. He hates gays and he supports the death penalty. Manny is the reason why the word ‘irony’ was invented.

Filipinos are a cultured people. We love the arts: plays, exhibits, music, movies. We are the best fans in the world and we have this pic (click the link) to prove it.

1amfirst
The Philippines is the social media capital of the world. It’s crazy but it’s true. We can read your vicious and mostly inaccurate tweets Mr. President. Filipinos can relate. We have embraced the habit of posting and sharing fake news. We’re a bunch of gullible idiots – just like that ex-Colombian president who lectured our beloved Duterte on how to solve our drug problem.

We are a nation of heroes. Even one of the world’s biggest thieves of all time was buried as a hero. It’s true. It’s despicable but it’s true.

Filipinos are the strongest and the most fearless people on Earth. We survived the Spaniards. We survived the Americans. We survived the Japanese. We will definitely survive this government!

Mr. Trump, we totally understand it’s going to be America First. But can we just say ‘The Philippines Second?’
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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





HEARSAY

5 02 2017

1bato
PNP CHIEF Ronald ‘Bato’ De La Rosa is not going anywhere. Last week, the President declined Bato’s offer to resign (for the second time) following the murder of a South Korean businessman outside his official residence in Camp Crame. With the President’s backing no less, Bato is looking forward to more ‘tokhang’ operations, more drug raids, and more concerts.

Dress Down/Push-up
Seven Pampanga cops who were allegedly involved in the robbery-extortion of Korean nationals got a tongue-lashing from PNP Chief Bato De La Rosa. On that day, Bato was in a different element. He was incensed. He was yelling. He was cursing. There were cameras everywhere. He was also on cue.

After scolding the seven cops and making them do stationary push-ups, a fuming PNP Chief Bato De La Rosa told police officials, “Dapat hindi nangyari ‘yan kung hindi kayo nagpabaya sa tao n’yo. Napapahiya na tayo sa mga Koreano!” To which, Filipinos said, “Sa amin, hindi?!?”

In case you didn’t see the video, here’s the transcript of Bato’s outburst.

Bato & the Police Officials
Bato: Pinabayaan n’yo ang mga tauhan n’yo! Nasaan kayo nang mang-extort sila? Nasaan?!?

Police Official: Definitely, wala sa concert Sir.

Bato:

Police Official: Sinagot ko lang Sir ang tanong n’yo.

* * * * *

Bato & the Bad Cops
Bato: ‘Tang ina n’yo! Ang lakas ng loob n’yong manghablot ng Koreano.

Cop (murmurs): Kasi sabi ni Presidente, gawin naming lahat, protektado n’ya kami.

Bato: Pakiulit nga ang sinabi mo.

Cop: May sinabi ba ako Sir? Wala huh. Nananahimik ako.

* * * * *

Bato & the Bad Cops II
Bato: Sige, mag-push-up kayo. ‘Tang ina n’yo. Ang lalakas ng loob n’yo! Sinisira n’yo ang pangalan ng PNP. Nagpulis kayo para magsindikato?! Nagpulis kayo para

Cop: Sir, sandali.

Bato: Patapusin mo ako. ‘Tang ina! Nagpulis kayo para mapahiya ang ating uniform?!?

Cop: Eh Sir…

Bato: Hindi pa ako tapos! Gusto ko kayong i-firing squad! ‘Tang ina n’yo! (pause) O, may sinasabi ka?

Cop: ‘Yun na nga Sir! Wala pa ‘yong mga camera, wala pang media.

Bato: ‘Tang ina. Ba’t di mo agad sinabi?! Sige, uulitin ko na lang! Push up kayo. ‘Tang ina n’yo. Ang lalakas ng loob n’yo! Sinisira n’yo…

untitled
Hearsay
Vitaliano Aguirre apologized to Senators Kiko Pangilinan, Leila De Lima and Antonio Trillanes for accusing them of using the Jack Lam-Bureau of Immigration bribery scandal to pin him down. Aguirre admitted the information he gathered about the three senators was “hearsay.” Among many of his other statements.

Hearsay II
Quoting a Senior Police Officer 1 who spoke on condition of anonymity, Amnesty International (a worldwide human rights organization and Nobel Peace Prize Awardee) reported that cops were being paid from P8,000 to P15,000 per kill in Duterte’s war on drugs. Duterte’s ally Richard Gordon said it was “hearsay.” Apparently, Gordon forgot the report came from Amnesty International; NOT from Vitaliano Aguirre.

Mafia?
PNP Chief Ronald ‘Bato’ Del Rosa said they’re looking into the possible involvement of a “Korean mafia” in the abduction and murder of Korean businessman Jee Ick Joo saying there’s “competition within the Korean community.” And the Korean community was like, “Bes, may nahuli na. Palusot pa talaga?!?”

PNP Chief Ronald ‘Bato’ De La Rosa said they’re looking into the possible involvement of a “Korean mafia” in the abduction and murder of Jee Ick Joo. He can’t wait to scold the members of the mafia in front of TV cameras while making them do stationary push-ups.

Three policemen and four others who allegedly abducted and murdered Korean businessman Jee Ick Joo have been detained and charged. The other day though, General Bato said they’re looking into the involvement of “a Korean mafia.” Now, THAT’S hearsay.

“Lost Cause”
Vice President Leni Robredo says she’s got no time for trolls because they’re “a lost cause who have already made a judgment.” When Mocha Uson heard this, she said, “Mga Ka-DDS, ‘kita n’yo na ang katamaran ng bise presidenteng ‘yan? Sasagot lang sa trolls hindi pa magawa?!”

1baste
Baste
President Duterte scolded his youngest son, Baste for spending more time with starlet Ellen Adarna. It turned out Baste has another partner, model Kate Necesario, the mother of his son. The President told Baste, “Hindi ka na umuuwi, lagi kang naroon sa iba mong babae!” Duterte first heard those very same words from Elizabeth Zimmerman 20 years ago.
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“Corrupt and incompetent police officers have a long history of being protected by their colleagues, police internal affairs and the government.”
~Steven Magee

Sound Bites
“Acting on instructions from the very top of government, the Philippines police have killed and paid others to kill thousands of alleged drug offenders in a wave of extrajudicial executions that may amount to crimes against humanity.”
~Amnesty International on Duterte’s war on drugs

Why are we not surprised?

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Bato: PNP PIO; Vitaliano Aguirre: ABSCBN News; Baste Duterte and Ellen Adarna: Brandphoria on IG]








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