DUTERTELEAKS

27 09 2016

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RODRIGO DUTERTE knew and allowed vigilante killings when he was mayor of Davao City according to a confidential diplomatic cable dated May 8, 2009 released by WikiLeaks.

Dear Wikileaks, tell us something we don’t know.

Commission on Human Rights Regional Director Alberto Sipaco who was being quoted in the confidential cable revealed that Duterte “channeled his anger over his son’s drug use not just against drug pushers, but also drug users eventually leading him to embrace vigilante killings as a means to reduce crime.” And Edgar Matobato was like “Told yah!”

15 Additional Information On Or About President Duterte Released By Wikileaks

1. In 2008, Leila De Lima turned down Rodrigo Duterte’s offer for a dinner date.

2. There’s a huge portrait of Ferdinand Marcos inside Duterte’s mini-office in his Davao home. He talks to the portrait every night before going to bed.

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3. Despite his tough guy image, Duterte wears Spongebob briefs or boxers everyday.

4. He sleeps with a loaded gun tucked into his underwear.

5. Psychologists attribute Duterte’s Antisocial Narcissistic Personality Disorder to his triorchidism, a congenital anomaly characterized by the presence of three testicles.

6. Wiretapped calls from 2008 to 2013 revealed Duterte uttered the words ‘Putang ina’ 1,095 times per year on the average.

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7. When he heard rumors his son, Paolo was into drugs, Duterte subjected him to a game of Russian roulette.

8. In 2010, he was secretly rushed to the hospital after complaining of severe abdominal pains. Doctors found 15 bullet casings in his stomach which he consumed every Christmas Day during the last 15 years. After the successful surgery, Duterte vowed not to eat bullet casings again.

9. Duterte never wanted a daughter. He wished Inday Sara was male. Her decision to sport a pixie cut was on Duterte’s orders.

10. For three years, Duterte’s ring back tone was ‘Pusong Bato.’

11. In 2013, Duterte terminated a six-month relationship with a part-time model whom he discovered a year later to be a transgender woman. Fearing for her life, the woman decided to leave Davao City for an undisclosed place.

12. Duterte keeps a DVD stash of his favorite movies: The Notebook, Kung Fu Panda, The Hangover, Brokeback Mountain, and Shrek.

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13. In 2011, Duterte considered rhinoplasty but no doctors wanted to perform surgery on him.

14. He has a rare form of ambidexterity. He can write Visayan using his left hand and he can write profanity using his right hand at the same time.

And lastly…

15. He has a tattoo of Tweety Bird on his left butt cheek.

Note: These bits of information are subject to verification.

Elsewhere
In a video uploaded to YouTube, Taiwanese animators depict President Duterte as a clown, moron


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“Minds that have withered into psychosis are far more terrifying than any character of fiction.”
~Christian Baloga

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Sound Bites
“The peso’s decline is mainly due to politics, with the Philippine president’s ongoing war on drug dealers and his intent to seem to alienate all of their major trading partners.”
~Jeffrey Halley, market strategist, Oanda Asia Pacific on the peso’s plunge

“Ayoko naman siyang patulan kasi pangit siya.”
~President Duterte on Sen. Leila De Lima

“Naawa na po ako sa inyo mahal na Pangulo, tigilan na ninyo ako. Ano po ang gusto ninyo sa akin? May gusto po ba kayo sa akin?”
~Sen. Leila De Lima

Kids.

Poll Results
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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte: Vincent Go; Duterte 2: Reuters; Headline: Inquirer.net]





CAN YOU BILIBID?

21 09 2016

IT’S PROBABLY the biggest news of the week. Everyone is talking about it. It’s over for Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt!

TMZ reported that “Angelina reached her breaking point last week over Brad’s consumption of marijuana.” When news of the separation first broke out, Angelina got messages of support from her dad, her brother and President Duterte.

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House Inquiry
The House of Representatives has opened its inquiry into the alleged proliferation of drugs inside the New Bilibid Prison. The hearing was presided over by Congressman Vitaliano Aguirre.

Witnesses presented by DOJ Sec. Vitaliano Aguirre claimed that then Justice Secretary Leila De Lima received millions of pesos from drug lords. Reporters described the hearing as “explosive.” Others described it as “shocking.” President Duterte called it a “success!”

Independent
Presidential Communications Secretary Martin Andanar said Malacañang did not have a hand in the inquiry that painted Leila De Lima as a drug coddler. Andanar added, “I’d like to say the House is also independent.” Like the President, Andanar has apparently developed this habit of telling jokes.

Harassment
During the hearing, congressmen announced Senator De Lima’s cellphone number and home address. The senator lambasted the solons’ “utter lack of sheer humanity.” On Tuesday night or a few hours after her phone number was made public, De Lima said she received more than 2,000 nasty and angry messages. And that’s just from Sandra Cam.

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Bad Image
Staunch Duterte ally and apologist, Alan Peter Cayetano said Senators Trillanes, De Lima, and Drilon are destroying the country’s image and reputation abroad. Even President Duterte was like, “Kung makasipsip naman ‘to! Ang tagal pa ng 2022 ‘tang ina!”

FU!
Earlier this week, the European Union (EU) Parliament called on the government to “put an end to the current wave of extrajudicial executions and killings” of drug suspects. Reacting to the statement, President Duterte said, “Nabasa ko ang EU condemnation sa akin. Sabihin ko sa kanila, ‘Fuck you!’” When asked for reaction, the European Union said, “We’re too busy right now. Can we ignore him some other time?”

Responding to the EU’s criticisms, President Duterte said, “Fuck you.” In separate text messages, the UN and Pope Francis told the EU, “Welcome to the club!”

This just in: Antarctica has also appealed to President Duterte to put a halt to extrajudicial killings in the country. A furious Duterte said Antarctica should shut the fuck up, stop meddling in Philippine affairs and focus instead on its melting ice sheets.

Sought for an interpretation, Communications Sec. Martin Andanar said, “Nauunawaan ng Pangulo ang malamig na pakikitungo sa kanya ng Antarctica.”

Movement
According to Communications Secretary Martin Andanar, there is an “Oust Duterte Movement.” He couldn’t give any details though. Allegedly, the movement’s goal is to make the President sound and look bad in international media. That explains the movement’s choice for spokesperson: the President himself.

Pacquiao
As if following a carefully-written script, Manny Pacquiao on Monday moved to declare the Senate justice committee vacant. Online, he was applauded by Duterte die hards although he would have been applauded by a larger number of people had he declared his own Senate seat vacant.

It was Manny Pacquiao who moved to declare the Senate justice committee vacant. That’s one rare moment when we wished Pacquiao was absent from the session instead.

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Going back to the #Brangelina break up…
Reaction to the breakup ranged from celebration (#TeamJen) to devastation. Sa Malacañang, napaiyak at nahulog sa upuan si Secretary Martin Andanar.

Brad and Angelina have six children including one from Vietnam, Ethiopia and Cambodia. Now they’re breaking up. And President Duterte was like, “See? Even Brad and Angelina are leaving the United Nations!”

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have called it quits. Some people are blaming actress Marion Cotillard. Some are blaming Brad Pitt’s weed and alcohol consumption. Malacañang is blaming the media.

Dutertefied
Filipinos fought for press freedom to come up with headlines like this on the anniversary of the declaration of Martial Law. #ProudMoment

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BREAKING: The Manila Standard has been declared ‘the best newspaper in the solar system.’ Congratulations!
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“Once a government is committed to the principle of silencing the voice of opposition, it has only one way to go, and that is down the path of increasingly repressive measures, until it becomes a source of terror to all its citizens and creates a country where everyone lives in fear.”
~Harry S. Truman

Sound Bites
“As the saying goes, everything has been thrown at me except the kitchen sink. I am still waiting for the kitchen sink.”
~Sen. Leila De Lima

Elsewhere
The dogs of war by Luis Francia
“And President Duterte is that man, the extraordinary alpha male of the pack.
When he growls, the whole pack growls.
When he barks, the whole pack barks.
When he bares his teeth, as he did in insulting President Obama, the whole pack bares their teeth.”

The Bloody Biography of Rodrigo Duterte by Sheila Coronel
“If he wants to remain true to his beliefs, he must find a way to articulate his position on human rights, foreign policy, and the international community that goes beyond expletives. He’s in uncharted territory now. The Davao playbook no longer suffices. It’s time to write a new one.”

Poll Results
On Twitter:
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Online:
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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Hearing: Rappler; Duterte: ABSCBN News; Manila Standard]





INTERVIEW WITH THE DEVIL (LOVE IT!)

18 09 2016

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DESPITE its busy schedule, the Devil granted this blogger an exclusive interview the other day. Here’s the unedited transcript.

Uy, kumusta ka na?

Heto, masama pa rin. Ikaw?

I’m good. Maayos naman ang buhay.

Ang lungkot naman. Gusto mong gawin kong exciting?

Gago.

Thank you.

What keeps you busy these days?

Ahhh, marami. May world tour ako actually. Last July, nasa France ako, remember?

Ohhh, so ikaw pala ang may kagagawan ng terror attack sa Nice noong Bastille Day.

‘Yong truck na nanagasa ng civilians? Of course. Who else?

Demonyo ka talaga!

Thank you! Actually kagagaling ko lang din sa Syria. The situation there was hell. I love it!

Sana nag-stay ka na lang do’n.

Tanga! Bakit pa? I can Skype. I can tweet. I can Snapchat. I can even Facebook Live. Pwede ko nang i-manipulate at imonitor ang mga nangyayari sa iba’t ibang bansa anytime!

So bakit ka pa nagpunta rito?

Kasi nga, I feel so special here. Patayan dito, patayan dun, EJK here, EJK there, murahan sa umaga, murahan sa gabi… hashtag winnnnnning!

Ang sama mo!

Thank you! Alam mo, sobrang nag-enjoy ako last Thursday sa Senate hearing.

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Nandun ka?

Naman! Alam mo ‘yong moment na halos magsuntukan sina Cayetano at Trillanes? That was so awesome! That was me!

Wala namang suntukan eh.

Alam ko! Punyeta kasi ‘yang si De Lima eh! Pakialamera! Kung kailan malapit nang magpang-abot ‘yong dalawa, saka naman biglang umawat. Buwisit kang babae ka! Ito ang tandaan mo: hindi ka na magkaka-love life ulit! You will die alone. And sad! Bitch!

Ang laki ng galit mo kay De Lima!

KJ kasi ‘yang lecheng ‘yan eh! Ang saya kaya ng araw-araw na patayan ‘tapos iimbestigahan niya?! Bobo! Pati ‘yang CHR na ‘yan, bobo! Hindi kayo magtatagumpay!

Teka lang, relax. Masyado kang mainit.

Isa ka pang bobo! Sa impyerno ako galing, sanay na ako sa init! Idiot.

Punta naman tayo sa ibang isyu. Active ka sa social media ‘di ba? Nagbabasa ka ba ng comments?

What do you mean, ‘nagbabasa?’ Tanga ka ba? I am behind those comments.

Meaning?

Putangina mo. Mamatay ka na. Sana ma-rape ka. Uubusin ko ang pamilya mo. Sasaksakin kita pag nakita kita. Fuck you dilawan. Ang bobobo ng Duterte die hards. Blah blah blah! AKO LAHAT ‘YAN!

You’re kidding.

Of course not! I created them. Ako rin ang gumawa ng mga trolls na aktibo ngayon online. Hashtag proud! Love it!

Bad!

Thanks for the compliment!

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Ano nga pala ang masasabi mo kay Pangulong Duterte?

Matagal ko nang protégé ‘yan pero aaminin ko, we have a love-hate relationship.

Dahil?

Eh kasi tatanga-tanga. Inuubos niya ang mga snatcher, pusher at mga drug lord. Helllooooooooo! Ang mga dugyot na ‘yan ang nagpapasaya sa mundo! Hangga’t nandirito ako, hindi ka mananalo sa drug war, Digong!

Sabi mo love-hate? Eh parang hate lang naman ah. Where is the love?

Suspek pa lang, pinapatay na! Hindi pa nakakasuhan, guilty na. ‘Tapos pati mga inosenteng bata at mga kabataan, nadadamay pa! Ang saya-saya! At ‘yong pagmumura niya? Wow. He has overachieved! Love it! Keep it up Tatay Digong!

Tatay Digong talaga???? Mocha Uson, ikaw ba ‘yan?

Fuck you! But I love Mocha! Ang laki ng potential.

So, gusto mo rin ang ginagawa niya?

Absolutely! Ituloy mo lang ‘yan anak. Ang dami mo nang followers. Tutulungan kitang paramihin pa ‘yan. Memes pa more! Love it!

Favorite expression mo yata ‘yong ‘Love it’ ‘no?

Kung nega, ‘love it.’ Kung positive… ‘tang ina ba’t ba pati expression ko, pinapakialaman mo?

Nagtatanong lang naman. ‘Di naman ako nakikialam. OA mo!

Alam ko! Thank you!

Magbabanggit ako ng names, tapos mag-comment ka.

Game!

Vice President Leni Robredo…

Isang malaking tanga! Naglabas ba naman ng statement na ‘di siya susuporta kung sakaling i-impeach si Duterte. Tsansa mo nang maging pangulo, ayaw mo pa. Istupida! Tutulungan na nga kita, ayaw mo pa? Tadyakan kita d’yan eh.

Masyado ka namang bayolente.

Thank you! Sino pa?

Kris Aquino…

The last time na nagkasalubong kami eh noong gamitin niya sa kampanya ang presidential chopper. I miss her.

Presidential spokespersons and other interpreters…

My favorite! First honor sa katangahan ang mga ‘yan kaya enjoy na enjoy ako sa magkakaiba nilang sinasabi! Feed ako nang feed ng conflicting statements, kagat naman sila nang kagat. Love it!

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Manny Pacquiao…

Nabuwisit ako d’yan nang mag-Born Again Christian. Huminto sa pambabae ang pucha. Bobo! Pero lately, nagkabati na kami dahil consistent ang pagiging homophobic niya ‘tapos pabor pa siya sa death penalty. Tawang-tawa ako nang sabihin niyang ibitin na lang ang convict tapos sipain na lang ang silya. Ang primitive lang at ang cruel ng suggestion. Love it!

Pope Francis…

Yuck! Ang linis-linis. Kadiri.

Congressmen…

I am so happy for them! Ibinalik ang 80 million pesos na pork barrel bawat congressman. Pasalamatan n’yo ako mga gago! If not for me, nganga pa rin kayo! Hashtag happy days are here again. Kitakits sa hearing next week! Balita ko tetestigo ang mga alaga ko from Bilibid! Nakaka-proud! Go lang nang go! #laban #puso #push Love it!

Speaking of Congress, how about Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo?

Welcome back! Ang shaya-shaya, ‘no? Love it!

Edgar Matobato…

Hudas! Ilang taon kitang inalagaan, inarmasan, pinakain, at prinutektahan tapos bigla mo akong tatalikuran?! Walanghiya! Hindi na kita ililibre sa McDo! Walang utang na loob!

Ombudsman Conchita Carpio-Morales…

Hindi ko siya kilala. At hindi ako interesado sa kanya.

Baka naman basted ka lang ni Ombudsman.

Punyeta siya. Period. Next!

Former vice president Jojo Binay…

Miss ko na siya. I’m still a fan of his ‘achievements’ though. Love it.

General Ronald ‘Bato’ De La Rosa…

Sabi ni Bato, from July 1 to September 17, more than 17,000 drug personalities na ang naaresto. I hate it. But in fairness, almost 3,000 na ang napapatay. Love it!

The late dictator Ferdinand Marcos…

I bumped into him kanina. Mukhang malungkot. Tarantado kasi ‘yang Supreme Court dahil na-TRO na naman ang planned burial sa Libingan ng mga Bayani. F*ck you SC justices! You don’t do that to my friend. F*ck you!

Sandro Marcos…

Panalo ang batang ‘yan! He’s been consistently awful. Love it!

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Last na… Salvador Panelo.

My hero! Sabi niya kahapon, ipu-propose niya ang “constitutional dictatorship.” Tang ina! Ano ‘yon? Pero mukhang exciting… so, love it!

May message ka ba sa mga Filipino?

Ano ‘to? Talk show? May message pa talaga?

Sige, ‘wag na.

Gago! Nagtatanong lang ako. ‘Di ko sinabing ayaw. Anyway, to majority of Filipinos… mga friendsheeeeeeeep, mga repapips (Tang ina, ang luma ng repapips. Parang adik lang), mga kapamilya, kapuso, kapatid, mga dabarkads at madlang pipol… kung gusto n’yong batikusin si Duterte, go lang. Mas maraming bangayan, mas cool sa akin ‘yan! Pero suportahan pa rin natin ang patayan sa Pilipinas! The other day 22 daw ang pinatay overnight. Ang liit nun mga pards! Damihan pa natin! Try natin ang 75 per day! At ‘wag na kayong magreklamo ‘pag may pinapatay. Buhay pa naman kayo ‘di ba? Pag kayo na ang pinatay, dun na lang kayo mag-ingay. [Tang-ina, paano kaya ‘yon?] Otherwise… chill! Ok? Love it!

Wait, wala pa namang hearing. Saan ka muna pupunta?

Tanga! Nandito na ako sa Kongreso. Nauna na ako! Dito na lang muna ako magmomonitor ng patayan habang wala pang hearing.

Ok ka lang d’yan?

Of course! Bahay ito ng mga congressman. I feel so at home here.

Love it?

Love it! Ulol!
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“The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don’t do anything about it.”
~ Albert Einstein

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Elsewhere
TIME: The tragic cost of President Duterte’s war on drugs

Sound Bites
“Sixteen thousand ang sumuko. Ibig sabihin, ilan lang ang napatay dahil nanlaban. Nasaan ang massacre doon?”
~Tito Sotto, senator

Why are we being punished?

Poll Results
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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Senate Hearing: Rappler; Duterte: Inquirer.net; TIME Magazine]





THE INTERPRETERS

13 09 2016

Sound Bites
“I have explained to [Duterte] about Mary Jane’s situation and I told him that Mary Jane [has been found guilty] for carrying 2.6 kilograms of heroin. I also told him about the delay in the execution during the meeting. President Duterte then said, ‘Please go ahead if you want to execute her.’”
~Indonesian President Jokowi Widodo

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INDONESIAN President Jokowi Widodo said President Duterte had given him the go signal to execute Mary Jane Veloso, a Filipina drug convict. Yasay, Piñol, Dureza, and Abella have already denied the report that first came out in the Jakarta Post. I suggest that Filipinos withhold judgment until the OTHER interpreters – Andanar, Cualoping, Panelo, Cayetano, Calida and Mocha have issued their own statements.

DFA Secretary Perfecto Yasay Jr. said President Duterte actually told Indonesian President Widodo he “respects their judicial processes.” The conversation turned awkward when Widodo allegedly replied, “Respect your own judicial processes too.”

Secretary Yasay described the headline of The Jakarta Post as “erroneous.” The Jakarta Post described Yasay’s reaction as “templated.”

In yet another version, presidential spokesman Ernesto Abella quoted the President as telling Widodo, “Follow your own laws.” To which, Widodo reportedly answered, “What do you know about following laws?”

President Duterte of the Philippines has given the Indonesian government the go signal to execute Mary Jane Veloso according to The Jakarta Post. Just so you know, The Jakarta Post is the largest English-language ‘bias,’ ‘yellow’ newspaper in Indonesia

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Latest Development
Adam Harvey, a Jakarta-based journalist reported Tuesday the latest on the Maryjane Veloso issue. Harvey said “Jokowi is not backing down over his account of Duterte’s controversial statements.” That means it’s Jokowi’s word against Duterte’s, and Piñol’s and Abella’s and Dureza’s and Yasay’s.

Snubbed
Last week in Laos, presidential adviser Jesus Dureza said President Duterte “was not feeling well” so he skipped the Obama-Asean leaders meeting. But just the other day, Duterte revealed he actually skipped the meeting “purposely” because “I do not like the Americans.” The revelation made Duterte look like a ‘principled leader’ and Dureza, a ‘stupid liar.’

Out, Now!
On Monday, President Duterte called for the withdrawal of American troops in Mindanao. His exact words were: “The special forces, they have to go.” The announcement came as a shock to American soldiers, Washington DC, and Pia Wurtzbach.

Out, Now! II
On Monday, President Duterte said, “The US special forces, they have to go!”
The next day:
DFA Sec. Perfecto Yasay: Duterte made the statement in the CONTEXT of wanting to SAVE Americans.

Defense Sec. Delfin Lorenzana: The President said it is up to the US to pull out for their safety.

Presidential spokesman Ernesto Abella: He is not telling US troops to leave. It’s just a warning.

The statements prompted President Obama to send the three officials a thank you note saying, “I appreciate your efforts, sanitary engineers!”

Change
Last month, President Duterte told the media he wanted to change the name of Malacañang. Rumors say he has decided on a new name. Inspired by his spokesmen and interpreters, Malacañang will be known soon as “Babel Palace.”

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Revisionism I
The government-run website, Official Gazette drew flak for editing and “sanitizing” an entry about the late dictator, Ferdinand Marcos. Some news reports say the revision may have been done by a certain Marcos Angelo Cabrera, who used to work for Bongbong Marcos but now writes for the Official Gazette. Netizens had reason to believe that the culprit was Cabrera because the edited Marcos entry ended with the hashtags #LaylayanYourFace #WinADateWithSandro and #MartialLawNeverHappened.

Revisionism II
Solicitor General Jose Calida says Filipinos who oppose the burial of the late dictator Ferdinand Marcos at the Libingan ng mga Bayani are “bitter” who “cannot forgive.” Apart from being the solicitor general, Calida is also a contributor at the Official Gazette.

Plot
President Duterte says LP members are to plotting to oust him. The accusation was clearly a joke since there’s hardly any LP members left.

Miss Universe 2017
As we all know, the Miss Universe pageant will be held in Manila in January 2017. Malacañang is reportedly offering our candidate, Maxine Medina the services of its interpreters. She politely declined.

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Train To Busan’
An unknown virus ‘infects’ people causing aggressive and violent behavior. Those who are ‘infected’ attack others even without provocation. But enough about rabid Duterte supporters. Let’s talk about the movie, ‘Train To Busan.’ It’s a thrilling zombie apocalypse flick. May puso. Go watch it.
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“With great power often comes great confusion.”
~ Dan Allen, Seam in Action

Elsewhere
The New York Times: How Countries Like the Philippines Fall Into Vigilante Violence
“Once violence becomes an acceptable means for settling disputes and exerting power, it is difficult for people to trust any other system. State officials have little standing to demand that people follow the rule of law when the state itself has been encouraging lawless violence.”

Sound Bites
“Quite frankly, I have not heard that statement, and I would like to understand in what context did the President say that also. But I will insist and tell you the truth that the reason he was not able to attend these two meetings was because he was not feeling well.”
~DFA Sec. Perfecto Yasay Jr., 9.13.2016 – despite the President’s statement that he skipped the US-Asean meeting “on purpose”

‘Tang ina. Ang daming nagsasalita. Umayos nga kayo.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: The Jakarta Post, Adam Harvey, Biography.com]





ROCK STAR

10 09 2016

WELCOME BACK President Duterte! Congratulations on your world stage debut!

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Question: Sa mga ‘di pamilyar sa kanya, ito si presidential spokesman Ernesto Abella. Sa likod naman niya ay makikita si Presidential Communications Office head Martin Andanar. Sa Laos ito kinunan. Ano ang sinasabi nila sa nakapalibot na journalists?
A: “Wala po munang press con ngayon ang ating mahal na pangulo. Maawa naman kayo sa amin. Pagod na pagod na kami sa pag-interpret ng statements niya. We need a break.”

B: “Wala na pong makapipigil pa. First in the history of the Asean Summit. Exciting po ang seating arrangement sa gala dinner. Ang Nobel Laureate na si Aung San Suu Kyi ng Myanmar ay kumpirmadong kakandong kay Pangulong Duterte habang kumakain! May magaganap pang subuan! Iba talaga ang karisma ng ating pangulo.”

C: Wala pong katotohanang iba’t iba kami ng sinasabi. Iba’t iba lang talaga kayo ng intindi. Pakyu all. Thank you.

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President Duterte and Ban Ki Moon
Duterte: Hindi kesyo nag-hi ako sa ‘yo eh ok na tayo, tanda!

Ban Ki-Moon: Huwag mo akong takutin. Kakampi ko ang Amerika.

Duterte: Kakampi ko ang China.

Ban Ki-Moon: Nasa likod ko ang buong Europa.

Duterte: Ipapa-Facebook kita kay Mocha.

Ban Ki-Moon: Inaano ba kita?!? Mag-usap nga tayo nang maayos.

President Duterte and Ban Ki Moon II
Duterte: Sec-Gen Ban, good morning! Rody Duterte po from the

Ban: Philippines? Alam ko! Rockstar ka nga raw ‘di ba? Dinudumog kahit saan. Bawat mura, pinapalakpakan. ‘Pag naipit, sasabihin ‘joke lang.’ Pero ‘pag tinanong mo naman about extrajudicial killing, sasabihan kang ‘wag makialam at ikaw pa ang uupakan. ‘Tapos ang lakas ng loob magbantang aalis sa UN? Iba ka.

Duterte: ‘Tang ina. Ang daming sinabi, nag-good morning lang ako.

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Obama and the Aide
Obama: Anong sabi?

Aide: “Who you” daw po kayo?

Obama: Tapos?

Aide: Sisipain ka raw sa harap ng reporters.

Obama: Ano pa?

Aide: ‘Di raw siya papayag na lektyuran mo siya on human rights.

Obama: What else?

Aide: Nigger daw kayo at ipinanganak sa Kenya.

Obama: Tarantado! Parang walang namang ganun. Kung makagatong ka naman!

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President Obama and President Duterte
Obama: Ang lakas ng loob mong manermon! O loko, eh ‘di hanggang tanaw ka na lang d’yan ngayon.

Duterte: Gago! Hindi ikaw ang tinatanaw ko kundi ‘yung babaeng naka-blue sa gilid mo. Feelingero!

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President Duterte and the Server
Duterte: Masarap ba ‘yang gatas mo?

Server: Hindi po gatas ito. Juice.

Duterte: Masarap ba ang juice mo?

Server: President Obama o, binabastos ako.

Duterte: ‘Tang ina! Hindi kita binabastos. Out of context ka!

President Duterte and the Server II
Duterte: Alam mo Miss Beautiful, hindi lang kamay na bakal ang matigas sa akin.

Server: Bastos! Ang tanda-tanda n’yo na, ang hilig n’yo pa rin!

Duterte: Ah ganun?!? Siguro bayaran ka? Nakadilaw ka eh. Bias ka! Bias!

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President Duterte and Brunei’s Sultan Hassanal Bolkiah
Duterte: Kapatid mo pala si Jefri? ‘Yong playboy na may harem tapos labingwalo ang anak.

Bolkiah: Uy! Ikaw pala. Kumusta naman ang mahigit dalawang libong pinatay in the name of your war on drugs?

Duterte:

Bolkiah: O, nauna ka huh. Sumagot lang ako.

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President Duterte and Lao Prime Minister Thongsing Thammavong
Thammavong: Dahil ikaw ang bagong Asean chair, tanggapin mo ang gavel na ito.

Duterte: Ang bigat ah. Pwede ko ba ‘tong ibato?

Thammavong: Sa mga addict o sa mga pusher?

Duterte: Sa media. Lagi akong misquoted eh.

Thammavong: Sige lang. Para maturuan ng leksyon ang mga ‘yan!

Duterte: Sure?

Thammavong: Just don’t quote me.

1aung-san
President Duterte, Aung San Suu Kyi, Sultan Bolkiah and Indonesia’s Widodo
Duterte: Madam, I am Rody Duterte from the Philippines. I am

Suu Kyi: Kung ija-justify mo na naman ang extrajudicial killing sa bansa mo, umalis ka na sa harapan ko.

Bolkiah: #burn

Widodo: Friendzoned ampucha.

Duterte: Dinig ko kayo. ‘Tang ina n’yo!

1wid
Philippines and Indonesia
Duterte: I heard gusto mong gayahin ang style ko against drugs.

Widodo: Sana. Paano ba ginagawa ‘yon?

Duterte: 44 deaths kada araw. Ganun!

Widodo: 44 ang papatayin kada araw?!? Parang ‘di kakayanin ng mga pulis ko ‘yan.

Duterte: Eh ba’t nagtanong ka pa? Gago! Palitan mo na nga lang ang pangalan mo. Dapat WiNONO!

Widodo:

Duterte: Medyo korni. Sorry.

1dureza
Social Media
Duterte: Kumusta sa social media?

Dureza: Nakakapangilabot Mr. President. Tingnan mo ‘to. Almost a million na ang nag-share ng article na ikaw raw ang napiling best president sa Solar System.

Duterte: Good!

Dureza: Hindi ka naba-bother sa pagiging gullible ng Pinoy, Mr. President?

Duterte: Hindi ba mas nakaka-bother kung hindi sila gullible?

Dureza: May point. #infairness

1pc
The Team
Andanar: Our president has been treated like a rockstar in Laos. Grabe, dinudumog talaga siya ng world leaders for a selfie.

Yasay: His debut on the world stage was brilliant and superb!

Cayetano: Kahit ‘di ako tinatanong, magsasalita na rin ako. The brief meeting with Obama went well. Napaka-warm ng handshake at very good ang naging conversation nila.

Duterte: Mga kababayan, palakpakan po natin ang aking praise and worship team na kasama sa Laos. Thank you.

Salvador Panelo: Gusto ko lang idagdag na

Duterte: Sabi ko, ‘ok na,’ ‘di ba? Nag-thank you na ako. Tama na. Baka sumabit ka pa, ‘tang ina.
——————————————————————————————————————————-
“War, they say, is the answer of those who have no arguments left.”
~Andrew Ashling

1gmanewsgma
No Kidding: Sarcasm Ban
Eccentric North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has banned North Koreans from making sarcastic comments about him or his regime. But that’s nothing compared to what has been happening on social media since President Duterte took office: a self-imposed ban on common sense.

In case you missed it…
Stephen Colbert pokes fun at Duterte’s anti-US/Obama rant. Starting at 2:52.

Consistent
After that epic photo blunder, here’s another epic fail from another Duterte spokesman Peter Tiu Laviña:

untitled

Poll Results
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Ingat!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte/Asean Summit: King Rodriguez/PPD; GMA:GMA News; Duterte-Ban Ki-Moon: AP/Bullit Marquez; Duterte-Laotian PM: Philstar; Duterte-Gavel-Laos:ABSCBN News; Obama: Carolyn Kaster AP; Abella: Bullit Marquez AP; Duterte-Bolkiah and Photoshoot: AP Photo/Gemunu Amarasinghe; Duterte-Suu Kyi: Reuters/Soe Zeya Tun; Duterte-Obama Stare: Vishva Gujarat; Widodo-Duterte-AFP; Peter Tiu Laviña FB]





P*T@N& !N@: RANTS AND REGRETS

6 09 2016

1obamaduts

“You just don’t throw question and statements. Putang ina, mumurahin kita sa forum na ‘yan!”
~President Duterte

IN HIS TRADEMARK gutter language, President Duterte said he would not allow US President Barack Obama to lecture him on extrajudicial killings when they meet in Laos for the Asean Summit. Duterte advised the US leader, “You must be respectful.” To which, Obama said, “You first.”

Lashing out at US President Barack Obama, acid-tongued Rodrigo Duterte said, “Wala akong pakialam sa kanya! Sipain ko pa ‘yan sa harap n’yo eh!” His Cabinet applauded. His rabid supporters wildly cheered. And Russian President Vladimir Putin texted, “How to be you po?”

Duterte cursing at Obama was hardly surprising. For decades now, Duterte has been under a state of tastelessness.

Top 5 Reactions of Duterte Allies to His Attacks on Obama

No. 5: Alan Peter Cayetano: Nagmura rin noon si Mar Roxas. ‘Wag nating kalimutan ‘yon.

No. 4: Salvador Panelo: May legal basis ang pagmumura ni Pangulong Duterte kay Obama.

No. 3: DFA Sec. Perfecto Yasay Jr.: Kasalanan ng media ‘yan eh. Alam nilang pagod na pagod ang Pangulo tapos gagatungan pa ng mga tanong kay Obama. Sila ang dapat sisihin!

No. 2: Peter Tiu Laviña:

1Lavinia

And the No. 1 typical reaction of a Duterte ally to his attack on Obama…

Mocha Uson: Nakakaiyak talaga ang katapangan ng ating minamahal na presidente. Kagalang-galang na pangulo, nasa likod mo lang po kami. Alam naming para sa kapakanan ng mga anak mo – ang sambayanang Pilipino – ang ginagawa mong pagmumura sa Papa, sa pinuno ng UN at ngayon naman, kay Obama. Mabuhay po kayo Tatay Digong. #MuraPaMore #SigeLang #CheerLangKami #MahalKaNaminTatayDigong

Canceled
Following Duterte’s insults, US President Barack Obama has decided to cancel his bilateral talks with the President in Vientiane, Laos where the Asean Summit is being held. Duterte diehards are now accusing Obama of being a bitter ‘dilawan’ who cannot move on.

Regrets
Hours after Washington DC announced the cancelation of the bilateral meeting between Obama and Duterte, presidential spokesperson Ernesto Abella read an official statement in which the President expressed regret that his profane remark “came across as a personal attack on the US President.” Abella drafted the statement this morning and saved it on his laptop using the file name, “Washington DC: Damage Control.”

Duterte’s Official Statement
(If Duterte was being truthful)

“The meeting between the United States and the Philippines has been mutually agreed upon to be moved to a later date.”
‘Tang inang Obama ‘yan. Ako pa ang tinakot mo. Eh ‘di i-move!

“While the immediate cause was my strong comments to certain press questions that elicited concern and distress, we also regret that it came across as a personal attack on the US President.”
“Pinalaki lang ‘yan ng punyetang media! Bakit?! Sinabi ko bang ‘Putang ina mo Obama?’ Ang sabi ko lang. “Putang ina! Mumurahin kita sa forum na ‘yan!” Napakalaking pagkakaiba nun. ‘Tang ina. Tapos ako ang sisisihin n’yo. Tang ina! Take note… ang sabi ko lang, ‘Tang ina’ huh! ‘Di ko sinabing “‘Tang ina n’yo!” Baka ma-misinterpret n’yo na naman ‘yan. ‘Tang ina!

“Our primary intention is to chart an independent foreign policy while promoting closer ties with all nations, especially the US with which we have had a longstanding partnership.”
‘Tang ina, hindi lang US ang bansa sa mundo. Ulol! Akala n’yo natatakot akong mawalan ng kakampi. Yawa!

“We look forward to ironing out differences arising out of national priorities and perceptions, and working in mutually responsible ways for both countries.”
‘Tang ina. Kung ‘di lang ako nahihiya sa mga adviser ko, hindi ko ilalabas ang statement na ito. Oo, inaamin ko, pinilit lang ako ng mga punyetang ‘yon. Pastilan! Pisti!

Culprit
The Communist Party of the Philippines (CPP), in a statement, has blamed the United States for last week’s Davao City bombing. The statement was released to the media last Sunday although the original draft was written in the ‘70s.
——————————————————————————————————————
“Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.”
~Isaac Newton

Sound Bites
“An independent foreign policy need not result in the disturbance of friendly relations with our traditional allies. To achieve this, tact, not firebrand rhetoric, is key.”
~Party-list Rep. Harry Roque reacting to President Duterte’s attack on Obama and the US

“If I have to face them, you know I can eat humans. I will really open up your body. Just give me vinegar and salt, and I will eat you. That’s true. If you annoy me to the fullest… I will eat you alive. Raw.”
~President Duterte’s warning to the Abu Sayyaf Group

1obamaduts

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: GMA News Online; I Love Quotes]





STRANGER THINGS

2 09 2016

WE THOUGHT it was just fair to get the side of the late former president Ferdinand E. Marcos on the controversial issue of his burial at the Libingan ng mga Bayani. Everyone has spoken about it except for him. So we asked our favorite host, Krissy to do this interview – exclusive!

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Ilocos Norte
12mn, Sept. 1, 2016

“HELLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I’m baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! Ang OA ko ‘no? As if naman may naka-miss. Aha-ha-ha. Sabi talaga ni Bimby this morning, “Mom, do you still have fans?” Nakakalokaaaa! Sarili kong anak, nag-doubt. Hindi ko siya kinaya. I swear.

Anyway, before I proceed to the interview, gusto ko lang sanang linawin ang kumakalat na chismis na aalis na ako sa ABS-CBN. This will be the first and last time na magsasalita ako about it. There’s a rumor kasi na ayaw na raw akong papirmahin ng ABS ng more than two years na contract. Eh I was asking daw for 5 years. At nang ‘di ko raw makuha ang gusto ko, lumipat ako sa APT Entertainment ni Mr. Tuviera ng Eat Bualaga. Ano raw po ba ang totoo? Well, I promised Ate Pinky and Ate Ballsy I wouldn’t talk about the issue bilang respeto na rin sa Dos, so I won’t. Sorry. Aha-ha-ha. Nabitin kayo ‘no?

Nandito nga pala tayo ngayon sa Ilocos Norte. Gosh, kinakabahan ako. As in! Hindi ko teritoryo ‘to – you know that! When I arrived nga this morning sa airport, feeling ko anytime, may babaril sa akin. Aha-ha-ha Excited ako ngayon dahil first time kong makakausap ‘tong guest natin. Kanina nga sa plane sabi ni Darla, “Alam mo Ms Krissy, may something in common ‘yong guest mo today at ‘yong career mo.” Sabi ko, “What?” She replied, “They’re both dead.” I hate you Darla! Punyeta ka! Aha-ha-ha!

Well, ayaw ko nang patagalin pa dahil I was told na kailangang magpahinga ang ating guest. In fact, ni-limit ako sa 7 questions since – ‘di ba nga – obsessed daw siya sa number na ‘yon?! Parang ako lang. Obsessed sa 7. Kumusta na kaya si James Yap? Aha-ha-ha! TMI alert! I hate you self! Aha-ha-ha!

Mga Kapamilya, Kapuso, kababayan, welcome to my strangest interview yet. Please welcome, the late Philippine dictator, Ferdinand E. Marcos! (APPLAUSE)

Ulitemman ti imbagam Ibagam man manen!

Ay! Hindi ako nakakaintindi ng Greek, Mr. President. I beg your pardon?

Sabi ko, pakiulit ang introduction mo.

Gosh, did I say something wrong? Did I mispronounce your name Sir? Sabi ko, ‘Please welcome, the late Philippine DICTATOR, Ferdinand E. Marcos!’ May mali po ba?

Awan ammum! Nag ampep ta pipit mo! Magtanong ka na. Sinasayang mo ang oras ko!

“Krissy, behave. ‘Wag ka nang sumagot. Gumalang ka sa patay. Ikaw na ang magpasensya. Bad mood lang siguro ang lolo mo.”

May sinasabi ka?

Mr. President, ba’t ganyan kaaaaaa? I thought you’re nice pa naman. Anyway, I’ll proceed na nga lang to asking my set of 7 questions. But first, maraming salamat nga pala sa mainit na pagtanggap.

Anong mainit?!? Nang-iinsulto ka ba? Twenty-seven years na akong naninigas sa loob ng freezer na ito! Anong mainit ang pinagsasasabi mo d’yan?! Ukininam!

Pun intended sir. Aha-ha-ha! Grabe ka naman. Ukininam agad? Ang unang tanong ko Mr. President, super idol ka ni Pangulong Duterte. As in! He adores you. Everytime he mentions your name nga, there’s nothing but ‘love love love’ eh. Grabehhhh. Sa tingin mo magagawa niya ang mga nagawa mo?

Kung mamalasin siya, never. Pero kung mamalasin kayo, and I mean, the Filipino people, he’ll even exceed it. Ako na ang nagsasabi: he’s got a lot of potential. Matagal ko na siyang inoobserbahan.

Inoobserbahan from where? From heaven? I doubt.

Gago ka ah! Basta! He’s very promising. At bentang-benta siya sa mga tao. Ganyang-ganyan ako nagsimula. Tandang-tanda ko pa. Hinding-hindi ako pwedeng magkamali. Alam na alam ko ‘yan.

At paulit-ulit talaga ang words na gamit n’yo. Kaloka ka Mr. President. ‘Punta naman tayo kay Bongbong. Alam mo naman ang nangyari last elections. Dinaya raw si Junior mo.

Narinig ko nga. Tawang-tawa ako! Ha-ha-ha-ha Ang dami kong tawa!!! Siguro mga 14 million! Nagrereklamo siya ng pandaraya??? Muntik ko nang masipa ang salamin sa higaan ko. Who would’ve thought? A Marcos is talking AGAINST fraud and cheating???? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha Boom panis! K.thx.bye.

For someone who’s been dead for almost three decades, ang cool mo lang Mr Marcos. Promise. Love na kitaaa! Oops, sorry Dad, Sorry Mom. I was just kidding. Aha-ha-ha. By the way, sikat na sikat na ang inyong apo… si Sandro. Megastar siya ngayon sa social media. Ang daming millennials na gustong makipag-date sa kanya. Kaloka! Nagmana yata ang appeal kay lolo.

Utang na loob, hindi ko ‘yan apo!

But he’s Bongbong’s son!

Anak siya ng anak ko pero hindi ko siya apo! Kailanman ay hindi ko matatanggap na apo ang sinumang may tweet na ganito: CLICK HERE. TANG INA. NAKAKABOBO!

Ang puso mo Sir! Pag-usapan na lang natin ang ultimate lovey dovie mo.

Patay na ako. Konting respeto.

Why? Ano bang sinabi ko Mr. President?

I saw what you did there! Matalino ako. ‘Di mo ako pwedeng gaguhin. Sasabihin mo na naman, “No pun intended.” Huwag mo akong daanin sa pun-pun na ‘yan. PUNyeta ka!

My gosh! Ang init ng ulo! I was supposed to ask something about your ultimate love, the former First Lady. Hayyy. Nakakaloka. Masyadong defensive! Anywy, to be honest, si Mrs Marcos talaga ang ‘di ko kinakaya. Eighty-seven na pero bongga pa rin ang aura kahit wala nang gumagalaw sa kanyang mukha! Well, ‘yong labi naman, keri pa. Pero ang mga kilay, pisngi at noo… gosh. What sorcery is this?

Are you asking or are you insulting?

I am describing! Aha-ha-ha! In fairness, nasagot kita dun Mr. President! Going back to the question, lagi pong nagsisimba si Mrs. Marcos sa Baclaran. Nakasalubong ko pa nga minsan ‘yon eh. Deadma! Hindi siya nag-smile, so umirap din ako. Helllllooooo! Do you think she prays for you?

‘Yun nga sana ang gusto kong iparating sa kanya. Kasi everytime Meldy prays, ang lagi niyang hiling, “Lord, please keep Ferdie safe there in heaven.”

When in fact Sir, nasa hell ka naman talaga, tama?

Tama! I mean, pakyu ka. Wala ako sa hell. Pagala-gala pa rin ako.

Kasi nga, hindi ka pa naililibing? Naka-display ka pa rin d’yan sa freezer…

Freezer na kasinlamig ng pakikitungo sa akin ng Martial Law victims.

Hugot Sir? Once and for all Mr. President, saan mo ba gustong mahimlay? Sa Libingan ng mga Bayani o dito sa Ilocos?

Alam nila ‘yan. Buhay pa ako, sinabi ko na: GUSTO KONG ILIBING NILA AKO SA TABI NG AKING MAHAL NA INA DITO SA ILOCOS. UMOO SILA NOON. ‘TAPOS NGAYON, GUSTO NILA AKONG ILAYO, AT DALHIN SA TAGUIG!

Kailangang all caps? Galit???

OO, GALIT AKO! PAGOD NA PAGOD NA AKO UKINAM. ‘TAPOS MISMONG PAMILYA KO, AYAW AKONG PATAHIMIKIN. ‘YOT NI INAM!

1KRIS

O, Imee, Bongbong… I’m sure you’re watching, ‘wag matitigas ang ulo! Your dad wanted to be buried here naman pala. Kayo lang ‘tong mapilit na iluwas siya sa Libingan ng mga Bayani. Ahhmm, Sir may message ba kayo sa inyong pamilya?

MERON! DIAK INGGAGARA A SAKTAN TI RIKNAYO. PERO KUNG GUSTO N’YO ANG LIBINGAN NG MGA BAYANI… GO AHEAD. KAYO NA LANG ANG IBAON DUN. KAHIT NGAYON NA. ‘DI AKO TUTUTOL. GO!

Nakakaloka! O, mga kababayan, narinig n’yo mismo ang hiling ni late president Marcos. Gusto na niyang matahimik. ‘Wag nang makulit ok?

Nanlalamig na ako. Matagal pa ba?

Last two questions na lang Mr. President. May mga tsismis kasi na hindi ka raw totoo. Wax ka lang daw. Prove them wrong.

Sige. Touch me!

Ayaw.

TOUCH ME!!!

Ayokooo!!!!! Afraid! Wala akong dalang alcohol.

Ang selan mo. Syet ka.

Bakit ba?!? Eh ayoko eh! Eeeew. Last question… In less than two weeks, 99th birth anniversary mo na Mr. President. Grabe! Kung buhay ka pala, bata ka pa sir. Wala ka pang 100!

Ang luma ng joke huh.

I know, right? Aha-ha-ha! So, ano na ang iyong birthday wish Mr President?

Alam ng lahat – maliban na lang siguro sa napakaraming millennials na walang inatupag kundi memes at Facebook chat – na napasakamay ko na lahat ng materyal na bagay sa mundo. Name it, I’ve held it. Kaya sa kaarawan ko ngayong September 11, napakasimple na lang ng aking kahilingan. This may sound cliché pero ito talaga ang wish ko: Good health and long life.

Sir???

Pun intended. He-he

Agyamanak Mr. President. Thank you. Happy birthday and Mabuhay po kayo!

Pun intended too?

Ang kulit n’yo! Ukinam.
———————————————————————————————————————————————–
“It is the bungled crime that brings remorse.”
~P.G. Wodehouse, ‘Love Among the Chickens’

Sound Bites
DOJ Secretary Vitaliano Aguirre boasted that two former employees of Sen. Leila De Lima at the Department of Justice have executed affidavits against her. But one of them, Edna ‘Bogs’ Obuyes has spilled the beans on Aguirre et al. Here’s her statement on Facebook:

1Obuyes

TANONG: Ano ang susunod na mangyayari?
A: “Manlalaban” si Edna
B: Bigla-biglang magpa-positive sa drug test si Edna
C: Mawawala si Edna. Kagagawan ‘yan ni De Lima!
D: Papayagang tumira sa White House sa Camp Crame si Edna ‘tapos after two weeks, state witness na siya against De Lima

To join, just type #FabricatePaMore (space) Letter of Answer (space) Name/Address and send to 666.

Red Flags
On Thursday, DOJ Secretary Vitaliano Aguirre released to the media bank transaction records that would allegedly prove that then DOJ Sec. Leila De Lima ordered her clerks (including Edna Obuyes) to deposit millions of pesos to a bank account under someone else’s name. A netizen was quick to point out “red flags” in the DOJ’s “evidence” though. Bistado.

1emillunasco

Ang evil lang.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Marcos: Reuters; Kris Aquino IG; Edna Obuyes FB; Emil Lunasco FB]





SENATOR DE LIMA GRILLED!

29 08 2016

1dl
THE HOUSE of Representatives is conducting a congressional inquiry into the proliferation of illegal drugs at the New Bilibid Prison. President Duterte’s allies in Congress wanted to grill Sen. Leila De Lima but the feisty senator has rejected their invitation calling it Duterte’s “kangaroo court.”

This morning, a list of questions purportedly drafted by Congress’s super-majority, specifically for De Lima, leaked online. Take a look!

* * * * *

Thank you for accepting our invitation Madam Senator. Hindi na po kami magpapaliguy-ligoy pa.

1: Ilang taon ka nang unang magka-boyfriend?
Follow up:
Smoker ba ang first boyfriend mo?
Sinubukan ba nitong mag-drugs?
Kung oo, inalok ka ba nito?
Kung oo, tinikman mo ba?
Kung oo, nasarapan ka ba?
Kung oo, inulit mo ba?
Kung oo, na-addict ka ba?
Kung oo, nagpa-rehab ka ba?
Kung hindi, masama kang babae. Period.

2: Ilang taon ka nang ma-devirginize?
Follow up:
Boyfriend mo ba ang nakauna sa ‘yo?
Kung oo, pinilit ka ba?
Kung hindi, ikaw ba ang nagyaya?
Kung oo, napilitan lang ba siya?
Kung oo, masama kang babae. Period.

3: Ano ang civil status mo ngayon?
Follow up:
May natanggap kaming report na “It’s Complicated” ang inilagay mong relationship status sa Facebook recently. Binago mo ito pero nakakuha kami ng screen cap ng original status. Pakipaliwanag kung bakit “It’s Complicated.”

4: What is love? Define legally.
Follow up:
Naniniwala ka ba sa forever?
Kung hindi… kami rin.
Kung oo, naka-droga ka ba?
Kung oo, masama kang tao. Period.

5: Sino si Ronnie Dayan sa buhay mo?
Follow up:
Naging “kayo” ba ni Ronnie?
Ano ang theme song n’yo?
Ano ang tawagan n’yo sa isa’t isa: beh o babe?
Kung beh, ano kayo, millennials? ‘Di na kayo nahiya!?!
Hiwalay ka na ba sa asawa mo nang maging “kayo?”
Kung oo, hiwalay na ba siya sa misis niya nang maging “kayo?”
Kung hindi, masama kang babae. Period.

6: Isinasama mo ba si Ronnie Dayan kapag nagsasagawa ka ng inspection sa Bilibid?
Follow up:
Alam mo bang kilala ni Ronnie Dayan ang ilang high profile inmates?
Alam mo rin bang may contact siya sa mga ito?
Alam mo bang tumatanggap siya ng pera mula sa nakakulong na drug lords?
‘Yan ang sabi ng aming binayarang nahagilap na witnesses!
Kung alam mong lahat ‘yan at wala kang ginawa, masama kang babae! Period.
Kung hindi mo naman alam, anong klase kang girlfriend? Hindi mo iniisip ang seguridad ng iyong partner!
Masama ka pa ring babae. Period!

7: Sino si Warren Cristobal at bakit nali-link ka sa kanya?
Follow up:
Ano ang naging reaksyon ni Ronnie Dayan nang malaman niyang kinuha mong security detail si Warren Cristobal?
Nagselos ba siya?
Kung oo, may dapat ba siyang ipagselos?
Kung oo, two-timer!
Masama kang babae. Period.

8: Lagi mong sinasabi, napakahalaga ng human rights. May nagsasabi pang kesyo this government is committing “crime against humanity.” Pero ang tanong nga ni Pangulong Duterte, isipin mo ang mga drug addicts. Are they humans?
Follow up:
Kung ipapagahasa ka namin ngayon sa isang drug addict, ipaglalaban mo pa rin ba ang human rights niya?
Kung hindi, ipokrito ka!
Kung oo, wala ka na talaga sa tamang pag-iisip. Nasa panig ka ng mga kriminal.
Masama kang babae. Period.

9: May we direct your attention to the projected matrix on the wall. Patutunayan ng matrix na ito ang mga sumusunod:
Tuloy ang “bond” sa pagitan n’yo ni Ronnie Dayan.
May kuneksyon si Ronnie Dayan sa isang drug lord.
Ikaw, si Ronnie Dayan at ang isang drug lord ay iisa ang type na palabas.
Isa kang cougar.

1Matrix

Closing:
Madam Senator, kung iyong mapapansin, napakapatas ng ginagawa naming pagdinig. Hindi kami nanghuhusga. Nais lang naming bigyan ka ng pagkakataong makapagpaliwanag.

Sabi ni Mark Twain, “If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.” Madam Senator, sa bawat tanong, malaya kang makapagbibigay ng pahayag — in 140 characters or less. Kung hindi mo magagawa ‘yan, ibig sabihin, hindi ka nagsasabi ng totoo. Guilty ka sa mga ibinibintang sa ‘yo. Therefore, masama kang babae. Period.
—————————————————————————————————————————-
“To a misogynist: To err is woman.”
~Mokokoma Mokhonoana, philosopher, social critic

Sound Bites
“Kilala n’yo naman ang mga drug lord dito. Puntahan n’yo ang bahay, buhusan n’yo ng gasolina, sigaan ninyo. Ipakita n’yong galit kayo sa kanila. Kilala niyo sino ang drug lord dito. Gusto niyong patayin? Patayin niyo. Pwede kayong pumatay dahil kayo ang biktima.”
~PNP Chief Ronald ‘Bato’ dela Rosa who apologized for making the statement

“The House conducting this inquiry to try me before false witnesses is not democracy. The House conducting this inquiry is Duterte’s kangaroo court conducting the Salem witch trials and burning me at the stake.”
~Sen. Leila De Lima

Stay safe.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Inquirer.net]





IMORAL! ADIK! BOBO! ATBP. KWENTO

17 08 2016

1Duperfect
THINK YOU’RE UPDATED? Find out by answering this current events fun quiz. Kapag na-perfect n’yo, bibigyan kayo ng puwesto sa gobyerno. ‘Yan naman ang uso! Good luck!

1: Sa kanyang talumpati sa Camp Crame, tinawag na “immoral woman” ni President Duterte si Sen. Leila De Lima dahil may “lover” daw ito. Bakit ito nasabi ng Pangulo?
A: Dahil sa panahong ito, mas tanggap ng mga Pilipino ang pumatay ka kaysa magkaroon ka ng kabit
B: May karapatang magsabi ng gano’n ang Presidente dahil never siyang nambabae. Perfect husband siya.
C: Actually, nagbibiro lang ang Pangulo; pampaingay lang ‘yon para ma-promote ang bago niyang showbiz-oriented talk show sa Channel 4.

1MarcosPhilstar
2: Ayon kay Manny Pacquiao (na ibinoto n’yong senador), dapat ilibing sa Libingan ng mga Bayani ang namayapang diktador na si Ferdinand Marcos. Paliwanag ni Manny, “Huwag tayong magalit kung anuman ang nagawa niya.” Bakit daw?
A: Dahil mga bobo tayo
B: Dahil paninira lamang ‘yon kay Marcos
C: Dahil sabi raw sa Romans 12:5, “Ang ‘di mag-move on, bitter!”

1MP
3: Still on Pacquiao, sa kanyang kauna-unahang privilege speech bilang senador, inihayag nito ang suporta niya sa death penalty. Ayon kay Manny…
A: “Si God nga pinatay halos lahat ng tao sa buong mundo sa pamamagitan ng baha, tayo pa kaya?”
B: “Masyado nang maraming bobo at istupido sa bansang ito. Magbawas tayo.”
C: “Kahit naman walang death penalty, marami na ring pinapatay ngayon. So parang ganun na rin. Sanayan lang!”

1KBordador
4: Anong lesson ang mapupulot sa pagkakaaresto sa magkasintahang drug suspects na sina Karen Bordador at Emilio Lim?
A: Hindi marunong “manlaban” ang mga suspect na nakatira sa condo.
B: Kapag mababango, mugshots. Kapag dugyutin, shots lang.
C: Kapag may pangalan, mugshots. Kapag nameless, cardboard.

1Hero
5: Nag-leave na ang kapatid ni Quezon City Mayor Herbert Bautista na si Councilor Hero Bautista upang magpa-rehab. Sa privilege speech sa harap ng konseho, sinabi ni Hero na “biktima” siya ng droga. Ano kaya ang reaksyon ng droga?
A: “Biktima?!? Kami ba ang lumapit? Kami ba ang gumamit?! Nakakaloka ka!”
B: “There’s a Hero… if you look inside your heart. You don’t have to be afraid of what you are.”
C: “Sisihin talaga kami?! Pwes, dahil marupok ka naman pala, magpalit ka na ng pangalan. Victim Bautista, mas bagay sa ‘yo ‘yan. Tse!”

1JoeySal
6: Ayon kay Albay Governor Joey Salceda, ano raw ang dapat sisihin sa paglala ng traffic ngayon sa EDSA?
A: Lumalaking populasyon ng mga bading
B: Kotse ng mga pulitikong balimbing
C: Lubak-lubak na kalsada

1Schooling
7: Matapos iuwi ng swimmer na si Joseph Schooling ang kauna-unahang gold medal ng Singapore sa Summer Olympics, sinaliksik ng local media ang buhay nito at napag-alaman nilang Filipina ang yayang nagpalaki sa atleta: si Yolanda Pascual. Pero alam n’yo bang may “kunek” din pala sa Pilipinas ang pinakamahusay ngayong female Olympic gymnast na si Simone Biles ng US? Hulaan n’yo kung ano.
A: Ang biological parents ni Simone Biles ay may kapitbahay na South Korean na laging kumakain sa restaurant kung saan nagtatrabaho ang kanyang best friend na Mexican na ang ex-boyfriend ay minsang may nakasabay na Pinoy sa CR! Amazing!
B: Si Simone Biles ay may height lamang na 4’9” na ‘di nalalayo sa height na 4’11” ng dating pangulo ng Pilipinas na si Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo. Ang lapit!
C: Si Simone Biles ay mula Milky Way Galaxy kung saan located ang ating Solar System na kinaroroonan ng planetang Earth kung saan matatagpuan ang Estados Unidos na bahagi ng Asia-Pacific Region na kinabibilangan din ng Pilipinas. Nakaka-proud!

1Ellen
8: Inakusahan ng pagiging racist si Ellen DeGeneres dahil sa picture na ito na lumabas sa official Twitter account ng kanyang talk show. Ano ba ang sabi niya sa tweet?
A: “My new pet is amazing!”
B: “Horsin’ around before our taping.”
C: “Off to the jungle!”

1Chiz
9: Ano ang ibig sabihin nito?! Paki-explain!
A: Ito ang unang phase ng transition ni Senator Chiz. Supportive naman si Heart – in fairness.
B: Tapos na ang special course niya sa TESDA. OJT na.
C: Confeeeeeeeeermed!

1Romance
10: Sa Cagayan De Oro City, ipinagbabawal ng Golden Heritage Polytechnic College ang pagkakaroon ng “intimate relationship” sa pagitan ng mga lalaki at mga babaeng estudyante. Ano ang masasabi n’yo?
A: Puwede bang itama muna ang grammar sa tarp bago pakialaman ang personal na buhay ng mga estudyante?!
B: Kung bawal ang relasyon sa pagitan ng male and female students, pwede bang male to male o female to female? #LoveWins
C: Sa nakaisip ng panuntunang ‘yan: huwag kang bitter! Kung masama ang experience mo noon, huwag kang mandamay! Pangit!

Bonus Question: Kaninong diet ito?
1Diet
A: Sen. Franklin Drilon
B: Olympic silver medalist Hidilyn Diaz
C: Jessy Mendiola
Guess first then click here for the answer.
——————————————————————————————————————————-
“A hypocrite is the kind of politician who would cut down a redwood tree, then mount the stump and make a speech for conservation.”
~Adlai E. Stevenson II

Sound Bites
“It’s so foul, it’s character assassination. We are both professionals, the President and I. We are both public servants. I hope he doesn’t resort to those foul means. To me, that’s very foul.”
~Sen. Leila De Lima on President Duterte’s personal tirades

Stay safe.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte: Inquirer.Net; Karen Bordador/BF: PNP-PIO; Marcos: Edd Gumban/Philstar; Hero Bautista: Richard Reyes/PDI; Manny Pacquiao: Grig Montegrande/PDI; Salceda: GMA Network; Yolanda/Schooling: Singtel; The Ellen Show; CDO: ABSCBNNews; Heart/Chiz: Happy Skin]





TYPHOONS 2016: The Complete List

12 08 2016

philippines-extrajudicial-killings
IT’S TYPHOON season again in the Philippines. Narito ang listahan ng mga bagyo ngayong taong ito. Gawin ang kaukulang pag-iingat.

Typhoon Duterte
Pabugsu-bugso ngunit napakalakas. Maraming iniiwang patay sa mga lugar na dinadaanan. Mapanganib lalo na sa mga ordinaryo at mahihirap na naninirahan sa matataong lugar.

Typhoon Duterte II
Predictable ang galaw ng bagyong ito. Hahagupit ‘tapos magbabago ng ihip ng hangin ‘tapos hahataw na naman. Nalilito tuloy ang mga weather specialists at nauuwi sa iba’t ibang interpretasyon ang kanilang forecast.

Typhoon Gloria
Nakaalis na ang bagyong ito ngunit muling bumalik at patuloy na lumalakas.

Typhoon Marcos
Maraming pinatay at pinahirapan ang bagyong ito. Hanggang ngayon, marami pa rin ang nawawala. Sagaran din ang pinsalang idinulot nito sa ekonomiya. Ang nakalulungkot lang, iba ang kumakalat na impormasyon ngayon: dapat pa nga raw pasalamatan ang dalang ulan ng bagyong ito dahil naiwasan ang tagtuyot sa ilang lugar.

Typhoon Gina Lopez
Matindi ang bagyong ito lalo na kapag nag-landfall. Kadalasang tumatama ang sentro ng bagyo sa ang mga minahan.

Typhoon Andanar
Kulog at kidlat pa lang nito, mahuhulog ka na raw sa upuan. Mapapaiyak ka rin umano sa dala nitong ulan. But don’t worry, sa forecast lang naman ‘yan. Sa totoong buhay, sakto lang naman.

Typhoon Bato
Enjoy na enjoy ang bagyong ito lalo na kapag pinag-uusapan at napi-feature sa mga reports at interviews sa media. Matitindi rin ang mga buntot ng bagyong ito. Take cover ka na lang at ‘wag na ‘wag ‘manlalaban.’

Typhoon Panelo
Isang lumang sama ng panahon na nakaipon ng sapat na lakas recently lang kaya’t na-classify bilang bagyo. ‘Wag n’yo na lang katakutan. ‘Di naman siya talaga kalakasan. Feeling lang niya.

Typhoon Bongbong
Ang buntot ng Typhoon Marcos. Muntik nang manalasa sa bansa ngunit maagang namonitor ng PAGASA ang galaw kaya’t nakapaghanda ang mga tao. May panganib pa ring dala at posibleng bumalik kaya pinapayuhang maging vigilant ang publiko.

Typhoon Binay
Ang palatandaang paparating ang bagyong ito ay ang nakakatakot na pagdidilim ng kalangitan. Napakalakas ng bagyong ito. BEFORE. Nang pumasok ang Typhoon Duterte, na-push ito papalayo at tuluyan nang humina.

Typhoon Joma
Napakatagal nang binago ang kategorya ng weather disturbance na ito. Mula sa pagiging typhoon, na-classify ito bilang low pressure area na lamang. Ngunit kung kumilos ay astang bagyo pa rin ito kahit wala na sa Philippine Area of Responsibility.

Typhoon Pacquiao
Huwag magtaka kung mamatay ka pagdaan ng bagyong ito. Tandaan: Pabor si God sa death penalty kaya ‘pag namatay ka, ibig sabihin, kagustuhan ni God ‘yon. Pinarurusahan ka niya. Nasa Bible ‘yan. Check n‘yo.

Typhoon Pacquiao II
Maraming factors kung bakit nabubuo ang isang bagyo. Sa kaso ng bagyong ito, walang dapat sisihin kundi ang kapabayaan at katangahan na rin ng mga tao. Sisihin n’yo ang mga sarili n’yo. Mga gunggong!

Typhoon Mocha
Ang bagyong walang masyadong ulan – pero mahangin. That’s all. Thank you!
———————————————————————————————————————————————-
“Arrogance combined with stubbornness is a ticking bomb.”
~Unarine Ramaru

Sound Bites
“Sana nga, sabun-sabunan niya yung bibig niya dahil medyo naliligaw na naman.”
~Prof. Clarita Carlos, political analyst on President Duterte who recently called the US ambassador “bakla” and “son of a bitch”

Elsewhere
An emphatic minority by Shakira Sison
“Hello there! Here is my homeland, where the evening news proudly announces body counts. Where the daily number of casualties now equals great success. It’s the only place in the world where death means winning a war, the only country whose people are fine with civilians being killed on the spot.”

No to extrajudicial killing!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo: Typhoon: Charism Sayat/AFP Photo; EJK: Reuters]





LEAKED: DUTERTE’S 1ST SONA (EXCLUSIVE)

22 07 2016

A DRAFT of President Rodrigo Duterte’s First State of the Nation Address was sent to this blogger. Here are [unedited] excerpts of the speech. Exclusive!

dd

State of the Nation Address
of
Rodrigo R. Duterte
President of the Philippines

[To be delivered at the Session Hall of the House of Representatives, Batasang Pambansa Complex, Quezon City on July 28, 2016]

SPEAKER PANTALEON Alvarez, Senate President Aquilino ‘Koko’ Pimentel III, Vice President Leni Robredo, Chief Justice Maria Lourdes Sereno, former presidents Fidel V. Ramos, Joseph Ejercito Estrada and Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo… (BOISTEROUS APPLAUSE)

Ma’am, puwede po bang tumayo kayo? Na-miss yata kayo ng inyong mga kasamahan dito sa Kongreso. (MORE APPLAUSE)

[Shobra ka naman Digong. Nakatayo na ako.] (CANNED LAUGHTER)

Palakpakan po ulit natin, former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo! (APPLAUSE)

Members of the House of Representatives and the Senate; distinguished members of the diplomatic corps; fellow workers in government,

Mga minamahal kong kababayan…

Change has come. (5-MINUTE APPLAUSE, STANDING OVATION)

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Magsasalita ba ako o papalakpak na lang kayo maghapon? (CANNED LAUGHTER/APPLAUSE)

Before I continue, gusto ko munang batiin si former president Noynoy Aquino na nanonood sa Times Street. Noy, huwag kang mag-alala ngayong hapon. Hindi ko sisisihin ang iyong administrasyon. (APPLAUSE)

As I have promised, hindi ko na hahabaan ang aking speech. Napakahalaga ng bawat segundo sa akin. Inaamin ko, ako ang nag-utos na tigilan na ang taunang fashion show sa red carpet sa labas. Sinasayang nito ang ating oras. (APPLAUSE)

Tingnan n’yo ang inyong mga sarili ngayong hapon. Napakaayos. Mukha kayong public servants na nag-oopisina. Samantalang dati kapag SONA, para kayong shoppers sa isang SM boutique – ang KULTURA. (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Kamakailan ay naipanalo natin ang arbitration case laban sa China. (APPLAUSE) Ang sabi ng Beijing noong isang linggo, “Sige, usap tayo. Pero i-disregard n’yo muna ang hatol.” Ulol! (APPLAUSE)

May natatanggap na batikos si DFA Sec. Perfecto Yasay Jr. nitong mga nakaraang araw. Pero ako na mismo ang magsasabi sa inyo… hinding-hindi natin isusuko ang claim sa pinag-aagawang mga isla! (APPLAUSE) At lalo namang hindi natin uurungan ang China! (STANDING OVATION)

* * * * *

Noong Biyernes sa isang drug raid sa Valenzuela, napatay natin ang big time Chinese drug lord na si Meco Tan. China: 0, Philippines: 1. (APPLAUSE)

PULIS
Noong kampanya, kung natatandaan n’yo, I promised to kill five criminals PER WEEK para maresolba ang problema sa peace and order! Humihingi po ako ng paumanhin at hindi ko natupad ang aking pangako. Dahil sa latest data ng PNP, mula nang ako ay maupo, ang napapatay PER DAY ay sampu! (APPLAUSE/STANDING OVATION)

Sabi nila, ‘Justice delayed is justice denied.’ Sang-ayon ako d’yan! Kaya’t mabilis ang pagkilos ng ating kapulisan. Wala nang Mira-Miranda rights sa hulihan! Diretso agad sa kulungan! ‘Wag ka lang manlalaban or else… condolence na lang! (APPLAUSE)

Marami ang nagsasabi, pinapatay ng kapulisan ang mga pusher at addict. Hindi raw nabibigyan ng pagkakataong ma-reform ang mga nalulong sa drugs. Liar! Hindi ba’t binigyan ko ng second chance si Ka Freddie Aguilar? (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Matapos ang eleksyon, nanawagan akong simulan ang healing sa buong bansa. Anuman ang naging kasalanan, dapat nang magkapatawaran. Nakinig naman ang Korte Suprema sa aking panawagan. Ayun… si GMA, pinakawalan. (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Noong isang linggo, nag-crack ang aspalto sa runway ng NAIA. Napamura ako. Sabi ko, “Pati ba naman runway nagdo-droga? Nagka-‘crack’ eh.” (NO REACTION)

Joke ‘yun. ‘Tang ina n’yo, tumawa kayo! (CANNED LAUGHTER/APPLAUSE)

Nang mag-crack ang NAIA runway, maraming pasahero ang naperwisyo. Maraming flights ang na-delay. Kaagad nag-sorry si Secretary Arthur Tugade. Meron ba kaming ibang sinisi? Wala. Baka sabihin naman ni Noynoy, wala kaming originality. (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Natutuwa rin ako dahil last week sa Pampanga… halos limampung miyembro ng New People’s Army ang nagsisuko. Bakit pa nga naman sila lalaban sa gobyerno kung mga kaalyado na nila ang nakaupo? (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Nalulungkot ako kapag may mga kababayan tayong umaalis at iniiwan ang kanilang mga mahal sa buhay. Ipinapangako ko, gagawa kami ng paraan upang sa susunod na mga taon ay wala nang umalis. Wala nang mang-iiwan. Maraming salamat nga pala sa tulong ng Sandiganbayan. Naglabas ito ng hold departure order laban sa mag-amang Binay! Walang aalis! Walang mang-iiwan! (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Humahanga tayo sa mga Pilipinong doble ang pagsisikap upang umunlad ang kanilang pamumuhay. Hindi sila nakukuntento sa iisang trabaho. Nasa Senado na, magboboksing pa. Manny Pacquiao, mabuhay ka! (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Baka sabihin n’yo puro masasamang balita ang lumalabas tungkol sa bansa: droga, shootout, extrajudicial killings. Pwes, pagandahin natin! Ngayong darating na 2017, ang Miss Universe pageant dito gaganapin! (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Ayaw ko namang magyabang pero mula nang kami ay maupo, hindi pa nasisira ang MRT o LRT. Wala pa naman kaming ginagawang bago. Divine intervention siguro ‘yan. Dasal lang talaga, dasal lang. (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Kahapon, may nabasa ako sa Internet. Bakit daw ang lagi lang nilang nakikita sa balita: “Pusher ako, ‘wag tularan.” Bakit daw walang, “Corrupt ako, ‘wag tularan!” Napaisip ako. May point nga naman. So, bakit ‘di natin sampolan? Sa hapong ito… bibigyan ko ng pagkakataong sumuko ang mga corrupt na nasa Batasan. Huwag n’yong hintaying tawagin ko ang inyong mga pangalan. Pagkatapos na pagkatapos ng aking speech, lahat ng corrupt, maiiwan! (NO REACTION)

‘Tang ina n’yo! Palakpak naman d’yan! (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Bago ako tuluyang magtapos, maraming salamat nga pala sa 91 percent na nagtitiwala sa akin at nagmamahal. Sa 9 percent na ‘di nagtitiwala, wala akong pakialam sa inyo mga Liberal! (APPLAUSE)

Hangang dito na lamang at Mabuhay ang Pilipinas! (APPLAUSE/STANDING OVATION)
————————————————————————————————————————————-
“Some things you don’t have to promise. You just do.”
~Rick Yancey, The 5th Wave

Sound Bites
“I denounce in the highest possible terms this latest demolition job linking me to maximum security inmate Jaybee Sebastian or to any other convicted or suspected drug lord or operator now or in the past. May I suggest for Calida to stop his fixation on ‘Throwback Thursday’ photos of me, and instead just start doing his real job of reading the 501-page decision on the West Philippine Sea case.”
~Sen. Leila De Lima on the latest demolition job against her

Have a safe weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo: Duterte: Philstar.com; Victim: DZMM Teleradyo]





SUSPECTED, SUSPECDEAD

19 07 2016

LAST WEEK, suspected drug lord Peter Lim sought audience with no less than President Duterte to deny his reported involvement in the illegal drugs trade. Netizens cry double standard in the government’s war against illegal drugs. They noted, “‘Pag mahirap ang suspek, patay agad pero ‘pag mayaman, nakikipag-meeting pa sa pangulo.”

The president’s spokesman Martin Andanar quickly denied the allegation.

1DUTERTELim
Peter Lim: Hindi ako drug lord!

Palace: Kay Presidente ka na lang magpaliwanag.

Peter Lim: Ayaw ko nga! Eh kung patayin ako nun?

Palace: Mayaman ka ba o mahirap?

Peter Lim: Mayaman.

Palace: You’re safe.

* * *

Lalaki sa Looban: Hindi ako pusher!

Pulis: Bang!

Lalaki sa Looban:

Pulis: Pasensya. Nanlaban ka eh. Wala akong choice.

* * *

Peter Lim: Hindi ako drug lord!

Palace: Kay Presidente ka na magpaliwanag.

Peter Lim: Si Presidente talaga ang haharap sa akin?!?

Palace: Ayaw mo?!? Choosy?

Peter Lim: Hindi. Excited lang.

* * *

Lalaki sa Kanto: Hindi ho ako pusher sir! Hindi ako pusher!

Pulis: Sa presinto ka na magpaliwanag!

Lalaki sa Kanto: Pwede ho bang kay Presidente na lang?

Pulis: Ambisyoso! Addict ka! Addict!

FullSizeRender
Peter Lim: Hindi ho ako drug lord!

Duterte: Ipapapatay kita ‘pag may nakuha akong ebidensya. Right now, submit yourself to an investigation.

Peter Lim: Hindi mo ako papatayin ngayon sir? Hindi totoo ang banta mo dati?

Duterte:

Peter Lim: Nagtatanong lang sir. Aalis na po ako. Thanks.

* * *

Suspek: Hindi ho ako pusher sir! Hindi ako pusher.

Pulis: Bang!

Suspek: Agad-agad?!?

Pulis: Lumalaban ka pa huh! Bang!

Suspek:

Pulis: Dapat kasi nakikinig kayo sa balita. Ang sabi ng ating pangulo, “I’m the President. I don’t give due process.” Pasensyahan, ‘di ka yata na-inform.

* * *

Peter Lim: Hindi ho ako drug lord!

Duterte: Sa NBI ka na magpaliwanag. Go!

Peter Lim: Go na talaga? As in… I can go? I’m free?!

Duterte:

Peter Lim: Nililinaw ko lang sir. [THANK YOU LORD!!!]

* * *

Pulis: Dapa. Dapa!

Tambay: Hindi ho ako pusher sir! Maawa kayo. Hindi ako pusher! Pakawalan n’yo ako!

Pulis: Anong pangalan mo?

Tambay: Peter sir. Peter Lim.

Pulis:

Tambay: Subok lang sir. Baka sakaling makalusot. Who knows ‘di ba?

New App
The Philippine National Police will activate a text hotline called “Text Bato.” A new Smartphone app which will allow ordinary Filipinos to send messages directly to PNP Chief Ronald “Bato” dela Rosa will also be launched soon. The app is called “Itaga mo sa Bato,” which was shorter and catchier than the original suggestion, “Bato, bato sa langit, ang tamaan… nanlaban.”
________________________________________________________________________________________
“I guess the only time most people think about injustice is when it happens to them.”
~ Charles Bukowski, Ham on Rye

Worst Attendance
Official records show Manny Pacquiao attended only one session during the third and final regular session of the 16th Congress. When asked to justify his absences, Pacquiao said, “Colossians 2:5 For though I am absent from you in body, I am present with you in spirit.”

Sound Bites
“I know that I’m now a subject of incessant vicious attacks in the social media. But I don’t intend to dignify them by probing into who’s behind them and why.”
~Sen. Leila De Lima on the viral video which showed her in a party with QC Rep. Alfred Vargas who was maliciously identified by idiots as detained drug lord Herbert Colangco

Say no to drugs.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo: Malacañang]





TRUSTED, TESTED

14 07 2016

1WSJ
AN INTERNATIONAL tribunal in The Hague ruled in favor of the Philippines in a maritime dispute. Beijing rejected the ruling saying it will continue to assert “territorial sovereignty and marine rights” in the South China Sea. Meanwhile, China thanked its allies in the region for their continued support namely Cambodia, Laos, and Foreign Affairs secretary Perfecto Yasay Jr.

Defiant
A United Nations-backed tribunal in The Hague has voted in favor of the Philippines in its maritime dispute with China. But a defiant Beijing refuses to accept the decision. Or as that’s also called here in the Philippines, the Bongbong Marcos Syndrome.

Charged
Former vice president Jejomar Binay has been formally charged with graft, falsification of public documents, and violation of the Government Procurement Act in connection with the alleged overpriced P2.2-billion Makati parking building. As expected, Binay’s spokesman Joey Salgado attacked Ombudsman Conchita Carpio-Morales and accused her of protecting the people of Liberal Party – curiously forgetting there’s no one left in the Liberal Party.

Excellent
In the June 2016 survey of SWS, President Duterte obtained a net trust rating of 79 percent. Malacañang says the excellent rating is encouraging and vows to work double time to meet its goal: a good life for every Filipino, and the afterlife for every criminal.

Trusted
According to a recent SWS survey, 84 percent of Filipinos showed “much trust” in President Duterte. In another survey, 100 percent of Filipino-Chinese showed “much trust” in DFA Sec. Perfecto Yasay Jr.

Drug Test
Earlier this week, Sen. Juan Miguel Zubiri underwent a drug test at the Senate and appealed to his fellow civil servants to do the same. When asked for comment, Cong. Toby Tiangco said, “’Pag drugs, ako agad?!? Automatic?!?”

1DuterteVolunteer
Volunteer
An alleged drug pusher identified through his ID as a volunteer for the Duterte campaign last elections was recently killed by cops in Zamboanga City. The Duterte supporter’s death has been ruled as a “suicide.”

Pacquiao
Quoting Top Rank promoter Bob Arum, several online reports say Manny Pacquiao plans to take a leave from the Philippine Senate to train for a possible bout either on Oct. 29 or November 5 contrary to his promise during the campaign he’d take his legislative work more seriously if elected. Interestingly, the online reports have the same headline: Told yah!

Pacquiao II
On Wednesday morning though, Manny Pacquiao denied reports he’s taking a leave of absence to resume his boxing career. So, no, he won’t leave the Senate. Tsk, sayang.

1Phone
Just Married
A 34-year-old man named Aaron Chervenak wed his phone in Las Vegas. Chervenak says the best thing about his new ‘wife’ is that it doesn’t have a mother.

A man from LA married his cellphone in a ceremony in Las Vegas, Nevada. The man vowed to stick it out with his phone for better, for worse, for richer, for pooer, in sickness and health, ‘til drained do them part.

A man married his cellphone in Las Vegas, Nevada. But like many other marriages, they’ll probably separate and the man will “upgrade.”

1BJD
Pic of the Weak
Lani Mercado posted this photo of character actor Dick Israel who recently visited plunder suspects Bong Revilla and Jinggoy Estrada. Dick and the dicks.

Furlough
The Sandiganbayan allowed Bong Revilla to leave his detention cell to visit his dentist. The court granted Bong’s request after seeing his photo with Dick Israel and realizing that a sparkling smile is necessary for future photo ops.
———————————————————————————————————————————————
“I would rather be a little nobody, then to be a evil somebody.”
~Abraham Lincoln

Soundbites
“Kababae mong tao, pa-shot shot ka? Anong suot mo? Naka-shorts ka, ’no?”
~Tito Sotto to an ‘Eat Bulaga’ contestant who revealed she was taken advantage of by her husband’s friends because she was drunk

Some things never change.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Wall Street Journal; Drug Suspect: ABSCBN News; Bong/Jinggoy: Lani Mercado; Phone Wedding: Daily Mail-UK]





BABALA: NAKAMAMATAY

8 07 2016

1luigiq
CONGRESSMAN Toby Tiangco has filed House Bill 412: An act providing for a ‘No work, No pay’ policy for members of Congress. When sought for their reaction, neophyte solon Geraldine Roman said, “Tama ‘yon!” Congresswoman Vilma Santos replied, “Kung hindi ka magtatrabaho, bakit ka babayaran?” And Sen. Manny Pacquiao said, “Inaano ko ba kayo?!”

Suspects
Cause of death and manner of death are two different terms used by forensic scientists. To differentiate, let’s use as example the recent cases of drug-related deaths in the Philippines. The ‘cause of death’ is gunshot wound – and the ‘manner of death’ is ‘nanlaban.’

1Nanlaban
During the campaign, then presidential candidate Rodrigo Duterte vowed to kill five suspected criminals per week. Since June 30 or in just 8 days, there have been 72 drug-related killings already in the country. Duterte has overachieved.

Noon
Pulis: Alam kong nand’yan ka lang sa loob ng iyong bahay! Bibigyan kita ng sampung minuto! Sumuko ka na kung ayaw mong masaktan!

Suspek: Susuko na po! Susuko na!

Ngayon
Pulis: Alam kong nand’yan ka lang sa loob ng iyong bahay! Bibigyan kita ng sampung minuto!

Suspek: Susuko na po! Susuko na!

Pulis: Tanga! Hindi kita pinasusuko. Gusto kong manlaban ka! Now na!

* * * * *

Noon
Pulis: Sakay! Bilis! Dadalhin ka namin sa presinto! Upo nang maayos! Huwag kang gagalaw d’yan kung ayaw mong masaktan.

Suspek: Opo sir.

Ngayon
Pulis: Sakay! Bilis! Dadalhin ka namin sa presinto! Upo nang maayos!

Suspek: Opo sir, hindi ako gagalaw.

Pulis: Tanga! Gumalaw ka! Mang-agaw ka ng baril. Bilis!

Exposed
President Duterte has named five police generals with alleged ties to drug lords. The list includes retired Chief Supt. Vicente Loot who is now the mayor of Daanbantayan town in northern Cebu. The general who has a net worth of more than 100 million pesos has issued a denial but the people find it hard to accept mainly because of his last name.

1Kat
Rewarded
Two of the most visible supporters of President Duterte during the campaign were TV host Kat De Castro and comedian Arnell Ignacio. De Castro has been appointed Tourism undersecretary while Ignacio has been named AVP for the community relation and services department of Pagcor. Congratulations! Hopefully, these appointments will help end speculations that De Castro and Ignacio will be officially declared Mga Pambansang Anino.

There’s no truth to tasteless and sexist rumors though that Mocha Uson will be appointed director of the National Meat Inspection Service.

1luigiq
#DOTAPaMore
In Cebu, two Mandaue City Hall employees were fired after they were photographed playing DOTA while on duty. Unfortunately, the lowly employees have realized that playing online games at work won’t be tolerated – unless your name is Juan Ponce Enrile.

Bong’s Teeth
Detained former senator Bong Revilla has asked the Sandiganbayan to allow him to undergo dental procedures for three days this month. The procedures include panoramic radiograph and composite fillings. Last April 11, Revilla was given permission to go to the hospital for a CT scan of his teeth – contrary to rumors he had a CT scan of his brain which wasn’t necessary because compared to his teeth, it is rarely used.

Smallest
A recent study published in the Journal of Female Health Sciences revealed Filipina women have the smallest breasts. Meanwhile, a separate study published in the Journal of Male Health Sciences revealed Filipino men are the loneliest husbands.
____________________________________________________________________________
“Death kills you once; worry kills you every day.”
~Marty Rubin

Sound Bites
“Ordinary workers are paid on a ‘no work, no pay’ basis, and it doesn’t make them feel humiliated. Why should their payment scheme be different from ours?”
~Cong. Toby Tiangco reacting to Senator Lacson’s comment that the ‘no work, no pay’ bill is demeaning to lawmakers

“Para sa akin, ‘yung bitay, mas ano pa. Kasi yung lethal injection, ano naman may rules din ba, or may batas din ang mga doctors na bawal din silang pumatay ng tao.”
~Manny Pacquiao on the reimposition of death penalty

#whut?!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: No Work, No Pay: Keep Calm-o-Matic.UK; Kat and Arnell: DOTA Boys: Mayor Luigi Quisumbing]





HOTLINE, DRUG ADDICTS, BREXIT, AND OTHER STORIES

28 06 2016

1pdi
INCOMING PRESIDENT Rodrigo Duterte says he will set up 12 phone lines where people can directly call to report corruption in government. This early, Duterte is apologizing to potential callers because all 12 lines will be very busy.

Scenarios
Hotline: Office of the President, ano pong maitutulong namin?

Caller: ‘Yong aming congressman, magnanakaw.

Hotline: May pruweba ho ba kayo?

Caller: ‘Di ba ‘pag congressman, magnanakaw naman talaga? Nabago na ba?

* * * * *

Hotline: Office of the President, ano pong maitutulong namin?

Customs Official:

Hotline: Hello?!? Office of the President, may isusumbong ho ba kayo?

Customs Official:

Hotline: (ibinaba ang telepono)

Customs Official: ‘Tang ina, totoo nga.

* * * * *

Hotline: Good morning, sa Office of the President po ito, ano pong isusumbong n’yo?

Caller: Pwede bang malaman ang number ni Mocha Uson?

Hotline: Hindi ho ito directory.

Caller: Wala pa ring pagbabago sa gobyerno! Wala kayong silbi! Bye!

1Brexit
In a decision that shocked the international community, 52 percent of voters in the United Kingdom chose to leave the European Union. Analysts say leading advocates of Brexit succeeded because of their promise to eradicate criminality in 3 to 6 months.

Lost
He urged his countrymen to vote ‘Remain’ and campaigned really hard to win but British Prime Minister David Cameron still lost. He will step down soon, take a break, and probably, spend some quality time with his nephews, Josh and Bimby Cameron.

Wrong
In a referendum to decide whether the UK should leave or stay as a member of the European Union, survey firms predicted that 52 percent will vote Remain and 48 percent will vote Leave. They were wrong! The final vote showed 52 percent opted to ‘Leave’ and 48 percent voted to Remain. When sought for a reaction, London-based student Sandro Marcos says he respects the result of the election because the numbers totaled 100 percent.

Brexit Aftermath
In Scotland, where the ‘Remain’ vote prevailed, people are talking about leaving the United Kingdom through another referendum. In London, residents are calling for a referendum to decide whether Tom Hiddleston should leave or remain with Taylor Swift.

Critical
President Aquino was the guest of honor and commencement speaker at the recent Ateneo De Manila University graduation ceremony. The outgoing president encouraged the graduates to be critical. A skill he has mastered as president at the expense of the previous administration.

1kORINA
The Graduate
Journalist and ex-future First Lady Korina Sanchez is also a member of Class 2016. She just finished her master’s degree in journalism at the Ateneo De Manila University. In an interview before the elections, the feisty broadcaster said, taking higher studies wasn’t just to gain more knowledge but “a way to discipline my mind.” Said Anderson Cooper, “Good to know.”

Drug Addicts
Citing government data, incoming president Rodrigo Duterte says there are around 3 million drug addicts in the country. He explains not all drug addicts can be put in jail or rehab at the same time. Mostly awake at night, many of them roam the streets, jam with fellow addicts, or attend rave parties sponsored by a toothpaste brand.

Platform
Incoming president Rodrigo Duterte says his government is for the helpless, the hopeless, and the defenseless. And to prove this, he’ll continue doing what he has started in Davao City: wage war against suspected criminals who are helpless, hopeless, and defenseless.

1JonSnowGame of Thrones
Fans of the highly-acclaimed HBO series, ‘Game of Thrones’ are still talking about the epic Season 6 finalé. One of the show’s highlights was when supporters of Jon Snow declared him ‘King in the North’ prompting Bongbong Marcos to file a protest.

Draw
The highly-publicized URCC bout between actors Kiko Matos and Baron Geisler ended in a draw. Spectators who thought Matos dominated the fight were surprised by the result. Even more surprising was the fact that many people took this gimmickry seriously.
———————————————————————————————————————————————–
“In war, truth is the first casualty.”
~Aeschylus

Sound Bites
“I think that the Church not only should apologize to a gay person whom it offended but it must also apologize to the poor as well, to the women who have been exploited, to children who have been exploited by (being forced to) work. It must apologize for having blessed so many weapons.”
~Pope Francis

Winter is here.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte: Inquirer.net; Brexit: ICEF Monitor; Korina Sanchez, IG]








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