Author: professionalheckler

Latest Survey

According to the latest Pulse Asia survey, it’ll be 6 for GO, 4 for TU and 2 Independent candidates if senatorial elections would be held today. Malacañang has still more than a week to prepare – for a defeat!

Gringo

Former senator Gregorio “Gringo” Honasan surged to between 5th and 12th places in the latest Pulse Asia survey giving him a higher chance of winning. Meaning it’s not 6-4-2 but 6-5-1. Malacañang would be pleased.

Refused

Pulse Asia said that at the time of the latest survey, 8.8 percent of the respondents refused to name their senatorial candidates. Those respondents were too ashamed to reveal that their choices actually included Chavit Singson, Victor Wood, and Oliver Lozano.

Thirteenth

Mrs. Sonia Roco who used to be in the winning circle of 12 dropped to 13th place. That makes her the “first loser.”

Buboy vs. Goma

Cesar Montano edged out Richard Gomez in the latest Pulse Asia survey. If it was any consolation for Gomez, both of them would still be losers.

The Left and Erap

Reports say the left-wing party-list group Bayan Muna sought P40 million in funding from former President Joseph Estrada. This was really impossible since there has never been a shortfall in the NPA’s collection of revolutionary taxes, ever.

Soldiers in Nueva Ecija

The military has sent an entire brigade of at least 1,000 “maneuver troopers” throughout Nueva Ecija, which has been placed under the control of the Commission on Elections. If military adventurists are looking for an opportunity to overthrow the government, now is the best time to do it.

Disbarment

A lawyer has filed a disbarment case against Justice Sec. Raul Gonzales. It would have been a welcome news until the name of the lawyer who filed the case was revealed: Ely “Spikeman” Pamatong.

Disbarment II

Justice Secretary Raul Gonzales faces a disbarment case for offering 10,000 pesos to each barangay captain in Iloilo City who could deliver a sweep for Team Unity in the upcoming polls. Malacañang has since distanced itself from the embattled Gonzales. Malacañang finds his offer – cheap.

Powerful Kites

Reports say a kite could have caused the crash of a Huey chopper in Cebu. Iraqi insurgents who caught the news via TFC are now mass producing kites in areas where American air force soldiers are stationed.

Religous Piolo

Actor Piolo Pascual will formally train to become a pastor saying he wants to give more time to the Lord. In the past couple of years, he’s been very devoted to Sam Milby. This time, kay Lord naman.

Survey

An SWS-Philippine Daily Inquirer survey showed that 5 candidates from the Genuine Opposition, 1 independent, and 3 from Team Unity made it to the winnable Magic 9. But the administration is still confident of sweeping the senatorial slate – thru magic.

Survey II

Alan Peter Cayetano dropped from sixth to ninth place in the latest SWS-PDI survey. Understandably so because the First Gentleman got sick, and couldn’t help Cayetano sustain his publicity.

“Political Gimmick”

Vice President Noli De Castro dismissed Team Unity’s pronouncement that it could make a clean 12-0 sweep in the May 14 midterm elections as “nothing but a political gimmick.” Coming from De Castro, it must be true. He was, after all, a product of a very successful political gimmick.

Hurt

Cesar Montano was reportedly hurt by reports that either he or Sultan Jamalul Kiram would be replaced by former senator Gregorio Honasan in Team Unity’s senatorial slate. But Montano denied rumors that he and Kiram were quitting TU to run under her actress wife’s alleged newly-formed political group – the Sunshine Coalition.

Top 5 Movie Remakes Cesar Montano Will NEVER Direct If He’d Lose in May

5: Balanghoy sa Suba (Ang Kumain… Todas!)

4: Kiram na Mukha

3: Eternal Sunshine of the Partyless Kind

2: How the Gringo Stole Christmas (And the Senatorial Slot Too)

1: Broke.bank Montano

Attractive

Singer Leah Navarro of the Black and White Movement confirmed that the group’s urban sector pushed for the inclusion of Lt. S/G Antonio Trillanes in the Genuine Opposition slate instead of former senator Gringo Honasan simply because Trillanes was “more attractive.” Following that line of reasoning, how come they’re supporting Noynoy Aquino and Koko Pimentel?

Susan on Vi, Sha

Susan Roces said she couldn’t consider Vilma Santos and Sharon Cuneta as her friends and categorically declared that she wouldn’t support their re-electionist husbands who both supported GMA in 2004. Mrs. Poe couldn’t accept the fact that Santos and Cuneta still have the chance to become the country’s next First Lady.

Healthy Baby

Kris Aquino says her new baby – James Jr. is healthier than her. The baby is mentally stable.

Corny Corner

When members of the Iglesia ni Kristo and the El Shaddai Movement vote as one for a certain candidate, that’s “bloc voting.”
When Makati City residents vote as one for re-electionist Jejomar Binay and son Junjun, that’s “black voting.”

Advisory

The US Embassy in Manila advised Americans in the Philippines to avoid traveling to Central Mindanao as terrorists might be plotting attacks in the coming days. Just to make it clear, the US is referring to Islamic terrorists NOT to South Koreans.

“Careless” Comments

Justice Secretary Raul Gonzales said that slain American Peace Corps volunteer Julia Campbell was “a little irresponsible” and “careless” that’s why she’s now dead. Considering those two reasons, it makes us wonder why Gonzales is still alive.

Campbell

Interviewed by GMA 7, the sister of slain American Peace Corps volunteer Julia Campbell says they are not outraged by her death and they know Julia’s very happy where she is right now. Peace corpse.

No Sex

Doctors’ advice to First Gentleman Arroyo: No strenuous activities, including sex. Watch out for GMA’s temper in the coming days.

Baby James

Kris Aquino delivered her second child prematurely. The baby was in hurry to get out of his mom’s system.

Cory Aquino said baby James could become a basketeer since he looked exactly like his dad James Yap. Had he looked exactly like Kris, he’d become the next Boy Abunda.

Top 5 Reactions Heard From the Makati Medical Center Staff When They First Saw Baby James

5: “Four point three pounds?!? Baby ba ‘yan o bote?”

4: “Buti na lang naging lalaki!”

3: “Ilong pa lang… James Yap na!”

2: “Sana ‘wag nang masundan.”

1: “Thank God hindi totoo ang tsismis na si Cristy Fermin ang napaglihihan ni Kris.”

Personal

Sure

A Social Weather Stations survey showed that 9 out of 10 Filipinos will “surely vote” in the coming elections. The lone respondent who said “no” has yet to find a candidate agreeable to his “asking price.”

Manicure

A week after his heart surgery, First Gentleman Mike Arroyo – as revealed by his sister, so wanted to have a manicure. An alarmed GMA reportedly called up his doctors and asked what have they done to his heart.

Pacquiao & Politics

Fresh from his victory over Mexican Jorge Solis, Manny Pacquiao declared that he would not quit boxing even if he would become a lawmaker. That’s a “law blow.”

Top 5 Possible Legislative Agenda of Manny Pacquiao If Elected to Congress

5: The Beauty & Brains Bill: Free English tutorials for all boxers competing internationally and free total makeover for them after every fight

4: Sponsor a bill that seeks to strengthen diplomatic ties between the Philippines and Mexico by staging an annual slugfest: Filipinos vs. Mehikanos! Bakbakan na!

3: Promote culture and the arts by legalizing sabong and tupada, and making available one Extreme Magic Sing in every home nationwide.

2: A bill that seeks to automatically declare the day of his succeeding fights a special non-working day. If it falls on a Sunday, the following Monday will be a holiday – with pay.

1: The creation of a boxing academy for women with his mom, Mrs. Dionesia Pacquiao as the school’s first dean.

Party-list Polls

Rumors say that the New People’s Army is seeking congressional representation via the party list polls in 2010. They will use the name Bayad Muna.

Shocked at Shootings

US President George Bush was surprised to learn that a Korean student killed 32 people at a university in Virginia. Bush didn’t expect that there’s another Korean deadlier than Kim Jong Il.

Pacquiao Wins

Manny Pacquiao won. So where’s the “news” in that?

President Arroyo congratulated Manny Pacquiao for his win and stated that his victories in world competition should be matched by the country’s victory over “poverty and injustice.” The president is simply saying that to resolve poverty or injustice, suntukan na lang.

Mrs. Dionesia Pacquiao, Manny’s mother held a prayer marathon before the fight. The prayer lasted for two hours, an hour shorter than the time consumed by GMA 7 in plugging its shows.

Manny Pacquiao won his bout against undefeated Mexican Jorge Solis. Darlene Antonino-Custodio’s prayer for a Pacquiao victory has been answered. Now it’s time to pray for her own win.

Out of Danger

Doctors of First Gentleman Mike Arroyo announced that the First Gentleman was completely “out danger” and might be back in Malacañang next week. Now that’s what’s more dangerous.

First Gentleman Mike Arroyo who hasn’t uttered a word since he underwent surgery last week has started to speak again. He didn’t feel different though since it has always been GMA who does the talking.

Top 5 Statements Uttered by the First Gentleman When He Started to Speak Again Following His Surgery

5: “Miss ko na ang media.”

4: “Presidente pa ba si Gloria? Ako pa ba ang First Gentleman?”

3: “Sinungaling kayo! Sabi n’yo, kabag lang ‘to.”

2: “Pinabalik Niya ako. Ayaw akong papasukin.”

1: “Dalhin n’yo ako kay Manny. Gusto kong umakyat sa ring.”