8TH WONDER

Guingona & the Anti-Terrorism Law

According to former Vice President Teofisto Guingona, the anti-terrorism law or the Human Security Act is actually Human Degradation Act. But that shouldn’t actually bother him because… well, is there anything left in him to degrade?

Eight Wonder

Seven “new” wonders of the world were chosen overnight by nearly 100 million Internet and phone voters in a contest launched by a private Swiss foundation. The new list includes the Great Wall of China, the Taj Mahal, the Colosseum in Rome, the ruins of Petra in Jordan, the statue of Christ the Redeemer in Rio de Janeiro, the Incan ruins of Machu Picchu in Peru, and the ancient Mayan city of Chichen Itza in Mexico. The Philippines almost made it on the list. Finishing 8th was “Team Unity’s 12-0 win in Maguindanao.”

Bossi’s SMS

Kidnapped Italian priest Giancarlo Bossi reportedly sent a text message in Italian to an unknown contact instructing him to fasttrack negotiations for his release. Bossi made the appeal because… the kidnappers are running out of cellphone load.

Textbook Errors

In a full-page ad released Monday, academician Antonio Calipjo Go enumerated hundreds of errors he found in English and Pilipino textbooks. Go cited as deplorable the use of the phrase “titi: ari ng lalaki” in a textbook circulated in public schools. Just so you know, that came out in a textbook called “Hiyas sa Pagbasa.” Hiyas? How apt.

Briefly Noted

Manila Standard Today headline, July 9, 2007:
“Light planes collide over Bulacan; 3 aliens killed”

I wonder where they came from. Mars?

Go to Hell

A Catholic school in Australia refused to admit a 5-year-old boy because his surname was “Hell.” Oh that’s really mean. In the Philippines, church leaders even elect demons to office.

Coping

Reports say singer Erik Santos is “still coping” after his recent breakup with sexy star Rufamae Quinto. That’s completely understandable because it was Erik’s first lesbian relationship.

PROOF OF LIFE

Bossi Case

Unidentified sources reportedly sent MMS photos of kidnapped Italian priest Giancarlo Bossi to his friend, Fr. Angel Calvo in Zamboanga City. The source promised to send more Bossi photos but only if Father Calvo would send some naughty pictures.

Bossi Case II

Unidentified sources reportedly sent MMS photos of kidnapped Italian priest Giancarlo Bossi to his friend, Fr. Angel Calvo in Zamboanga City. Rumors say Father Bossi’s friends questioned the authenticity of the photos because one of the images showed Father Bossi beside a tipsy Gretchen Barretto.

Reformed?

According to Philippine Daily Inquirer columnist Rina Jimenez-David, former president Joseph Estrada has fathered another child with one of his mistresses who visited him in his luxurious Tanay villa. Now we know the real reason why Loi Estrada didn’t seek reelection.

Convicted

Constancio Velasco, an assistant prosecutor in Manila has been found guilty of receiving a bribe of P5,000 and gets 12 years in jail. Had he been a solon-member of the Commission on Appointments, there won’t even be a case against him.

Sex Videos

Bacolod Rep. Monico Puentevella has filed a bill which seeks to criminalize individuals or groups who will acquire videos of persons or groups performing sexual acts with the intent of making money out of it. Puentevella is simply describing Seiko Films and Robbie Tan.

Sex Addict

A drug-crazed man reportedly raped a chicken in a village in Bulacan. That’s the second worst thing I’ve heard next only to a politician screwing his constituents.

Guinness Record

China wants the Guinness Book of Records to recognize a newly-built palace in the city of Chongqing where there are 1,000 toilets. A feat that would pale in comparison to our own’s House of Representatives where there are more than 200 walking shit.

Low Quality

The Chinese government now admits that 20% of its products do not meet the country’s own quality standards. That’s precisely the reason why they put up those malls in Divisoria!

Homoerotic

Have you seen the tv advertisement of this certain brand of lollipop? It says: “Chupa Chups: The pleasure of sucking.” Be careful what you feed your kids.

EUREKA II

Did you find all 12 surnames? Check this out:

Nicolas Escudé romped away with four singles titles when he was still active but he wasn’t able to penetrate the ATP Tour’s Top 10 ranking. I was reminded of the talented French netter when I caught the third round match between two Frenchmen last night in this year’s Wimbledon tournament. But we’ll not be talking about tennis here. It’s just that I was glued to Star Sports when I thought of writing this puzzle. This will be easy. In appreciation of your efforts, I might be doling out original bossa nova CDs for the first three people who’ll send the correct answers. Good luck and have fun! Talking about fun, newly elected senator Antonio Trillanes wasn’t having fun when he took his oath. He was blazing. He used the opportunity to take potshots at the president and Miguel Zubiri. For his adoring fans, he is the heroic bida and both GMA & Migz are villains. Ah politics! We are so engrossed with politics that our attention has been diverted from the Wyeth milk mess. If we don’t remain vigilant, that could happen again. Who knows? Today, Bonna and Promil, tomorrow, Enfagrow or Enfalac. So never ignore pressing issues like this one. From milk to coffee. Batangueños, particularly residents of Talisay town oppose the planned construction of a spa by a Korean firm on Taal Volcano. The Koreans might have secured a permit and an ECC but Philvolcs was apparently not consulted. The latest rumor is that the town mayor who approved of the project now wears a bullet-proof white vest because of threats he’s been receiving lately. Here’s a piece of trivia: the mayor lives in the neighborhood where I was born. He was an ordinary man then until politics transformed him into what he is now. On the topic of transformation, friends who watched Transformers in Greenbelt ranted about the film’s amazing effects. I wasn’t a fan of the cartoon program when I was a kid so I rather watch the news about the alleged extortion activities of some of the members of the Commission on Appointments. [Sign of old age? Maybe. Sigh.] The finance chief has barely defended himself from the graft allegation of some members of the CA, yet another accusation is being hurled against him. “This is war!,” Roy of Baguio who emailed me yesterday said. I heard that the “big boss” in Malacañang is no longer happy with what’s happening. Oh well, let’s just wait and see. I need to remind you that there are 10 surnames hidden in this paragraph. Actually 12 but two are very obvious. I suggest that you print this out before starting your search. Enjoy!

  • FREE AGAIN

    Free Again

    Hours after Maguindanao election supervisor Lintang Bedol pleaded not guilty to charges of indirect contempt, Comelec Chairman Benjamin Abalos said Bedol would be allowed to return to Maguindanao. An ecstatic Bedol reportedly thanked Abalos and promised to treat him to dinner at Makati Shangri-la soon.

    Eye Surgery

    Maguindanao elections supervisor Lintang Bedol had undergone a cataract surgery last Monday. Now that explains his difficulty in locating the missing certificates of canvass.

    Pulled Out

    Reports say the Moro Islamic Liberation Front has pulled out of the Bossi rescue operations. The MILF could no longer pretend they’re friends with the AFP.

    Hazardous

    President Arroyo announced that her administration would increase the hazard pay of government soldiers. The president has finally realized how hazardous it is for soldiers to campaign for administration bets during elections.

    Cell Phone Theft

    Sen. Richard Gordon wants a longer jail term for snatchers of cell phone and gadgets like iPods. Ironically, the Senate talks about incarceration of suspected petty felons when it couldn’t even question extortionist solons – who by way have admitted to their “crime.”

    Cellphone Smuggling

    The National Telecommunications Commission reported that cell phone smuggling in the country has increased by 35% this year. That explains the 35% increase in revenue collection of the city of San Juan – from Greenhills stores alone.

    Kris & the Movies

    Kris Aquino says she won’t make any movies until Baby James turns one. That means Star Cinema will have to shelve any planned horror project for at least a year.

    Kris Aquino will not do movies until Baby James turns one. That means moviegoers will be spared from torturous cinema for at least a year.

    Kris Aquino vowed not to make movies until Baby James turns one. Do us a bigger favor Kris… make it forever!

    Popcorn Fare

    Some film critics describe the movie Transformers as “car advertisements in disguise.” Similarly, Kris Aquino films are in fact vehicles to promote some anti-sore throat brands.

    EUREKA!

    THERE ARE 12 surnames of newsmakers, active politicians, and government officials hidden in the paragraph below. Consider two of them – Trillanes and Zubiri as giveaways. Can you find the other 10? Hint: There are five senators, two cabinet officials, a congressman, a controversial elections official, and a man of cloth (living).

    Nicolas Escudé romped away with four singles titles when he was still active but he wasn’t able to penetrate the ATP Tour’s Top 10 ranking. I was reminded of the talented French netter when I caught the third round match between two Frenchmen last night in this year’s Wimbledon tournament. But we’ll not be talking about tennis here. It’s just that I was glued to Star Sports when I thought of writing this puzzle. This will be easy. In appreciation of your efforts, I might be doling out original bossa nova CDs for the first three people who’ll send the correct answers. Good luck and have fun! Talking about fun, newly elected senator Antonio Trillanes wasn’t having fun when he took his oath. He was blazing. He used the opportunity to take potshots at the president and Miguel Zubiri. For his adoring fans, he is the heroic bida and both GMA & Migz are villains. Ah politics! We are so engrossed with politics that our attention has been diverted from the Wyeth milk mess. If we don’t remain vigilant, that could happen again. Who knows? Today, Bonna and Promil, tomorrow, Enfagrow or Enfalac. So never ignore pressing issues like this one. From milk to coffee. Batangueños, particularly residents of Talisay town oppose the planned construction of a spa by a Korean firm on Taal Volcano. The Koreans might have secured a permit and an ECC but Philvolcs was apparently not consulted. The latest rumor is that the town mayor who approved of the project now wears a bullet-proof white vest because of threats he’s been receiving lately. Here’s a piece of trivia: the mayor lives in the neighborhood where I was born. He was an ordinary man then until politics transformed him into what he is now. On the topic of transformation, friends who watched Transformers in Greenbelt ranted about the film’s amazing effects. I wasn’t a fan of the cartoon program when I was a kid so I rather watch the news about the alleged extortion activities of some of the members of the Commission on Appointments. [Sign of old age? Maybe. Sigh.] The finance chief has barely defended himself from the graft allegation of some members of the CA, yet another accusation is being hurled against him. “This is war!,” Roy of Baguio who emailed me yesterday said. I heard that the “big boss” in Malacañang is no longer happy with what’s happening. Oh well, let’s just wait and see. I need to remind you that there are 10 surnames hidden in this paragraph. Actually 12 but two are very obvious. I suggest that you print this out before starting your search. Enjoy!

    [Note: Underline or change the font color of the surnames that you will find and then email the paragraph to: professionalheckler@yahoo.com.]

    Have a great weekend!

    KOKO KO’D!

    No TRO for Koko

    In a unanimous decision, the 12 justices of the Supreme Court dismissed Atty. Aquilino “Koko” Pimentel III’s request for a temporary restraining order to stop the recanvassing of votes in Maguindanao. Team Unity scored 12-0 in Maguindanao, the Genuine Opposition got 12-0 at the Supreme Court. Fair enough?

    AFP vs. Communist Rebels

    The Armed Forces of the Philippines vowed to defeat Communist rebels in three years. Two years will be spent fighting the Reds in the countryside; another year – in Congress.

    Famous Doctors Threatened

    Reports say the New People’s Army is extorting P1-M monthly from celebrity doctors Manny and Pie Calayan and threatened to hurt them if they fail to shell out the said amount. Fearing for their lives, the Calayans offered another deal – they’ll sponsor the makeover and regular beauty treatment of leftist Rep. Liza Maza instead. The NPAs refused. They want cash.

    Poor Attendance

    Bong Revilla and Jamby Madrigal posted the most number of absences among senators of the 13th Congress. Fellow senators have reportedly advised them to avoid frequent “boys’ night out.”

    Good Attendance

    Jinggoy Estrada posted a perfect attendance among senators of the 13th Congress. Yawns!

    Shabu Tiangge

    The controversial shabu tiangge that was discovered in Pasig City last year is back in operation. That’s not really surprising because even after the May 14 elections, the Eusebios are still in control of the city hall.

    Convicted

    A Filipino was meted 42 years of jail time for trying to kill three cops in Malaysia last year. If that happened in the Philippines, the suspect would be hailed as a hero.

    Female Circumcision

    Egypt has banned the widely-practiced clitoridectomy or female circumcision following the death of a 12-year-old girl who underwent the procedure a few days ago. But tribal Egyptian women insist that they be allowed to freely make a choice: life without clitoris or death.

    LINTANG BEDOL

    Top 5 Movie Remakes Starring Outgoing Congressmen Prospero Pichay & Rolex Suplico and their Fellow Members of the Powerful Commission on Appointments Being Accused of Extortion

    5: Runaway Bribe

    4: Men In Black(mail)

    3: A Time to A Kikil

    2: The League of Extort-ordinary Gentlemen

    And the No. 1 movie remake starring outgoing Congressmen Prospero Pichay & Rolex Suplico and their fellow members of the powerful Commission on Appointments…

    1: The Lords of Hiling

    Bedol’s Guns

    Controversial Maguindanao provincial elections supervisor Lintang Bedol says he owns a Magnum .357, four pistols and some 20 baby Armalites. Now… those who believe that Bedol is a cheater, raise your right hand.

    Bedol’s Guns II

    Maguindanao provincial elections supervisor Lintang Bedol admitted to owning at least 25 guns. But considering the number of people who want to see him dead, Bedol might actually need more.

    Arresting Bedol

    Saying he was guilty of contempt, the Commission on Elections issued an arrest order against Maguindanao provincial elections supervisor Lintang Bedol. The Comelec is now looking for a volunteer who is brave enough to serve the arrest order.

    Corny Corner

    Name Game: Lintang Bedol
    Translated to English, Lintang Bedol becomes Leech Bedol. When a Visayan gets mad at him, the person would say, Leechy ka! Syet, ang corny!

    Mike Arroyo’s Birthday

    First Gentleman Mike Arroyo’s wish on his 61st birthday today, June 27: UNITY. Maybe he didn’t just notice but everyone seems to be united already. Against him.

    Sexiest

    In a poll conducted by FHM magazine, Katrina Halili was voted the sexiest. For the next issue, FHM’s poll question will be: “Who is Katrina Halili?”

    Ruffa, Annabelle

    Headline No. 1: Ruffa and Yilmaz settle row
    Headline No. 2: Annabelle Rama to star in a Mother Lily film
    Our national nightmare is not yet over.

    EXTORTIONISTS

    Extortionists?

    House Speaker Jose De Venecia urged Cong. Herminio Teves and son, Finance Sec. Margarito Teves to identify extortionist solons who demanded favors in exchange for the younger Teves’ confirmation. Wait. Extortionist solons? Isn’t that redundant?

    Extortionists II

    Outgoing Surigao Del Sur Rep. Prospero Pichay, a member of the powerful Commission on Appointments, categorically denied that congressmen-members of the CA are extortionists. Other CA members opted to keep mum on the issue last week. But rumors say they are willing to face the media very soon – on one condition: bayad muna.

    Disaster

    Senator Aquilino Pimentel warns of electoral disaster if Maguindanao votes are counted. By electoral disaster, he means “personal electoral disaster” because counting the votes of Maguindanaoans will deprive his son Koko the rare chance of joining him in the senate.

    Recall Order

    Wyeth Philippines has published in several newspapers the list of milk brands covered by the Bureau of Food and Drugs’ recall order. Internally, Wyeth is also busy finalizing the list of officers and employees who will be jobless soon following this milk mess.

    Postscript to an Outburst

    My SmartBro nightmare continued over the weekend. Last Saturday, my connection was disrupted twice. Yesterday (Sunday) four SmartBro customer service reps had to endure a buttf*cking sort of experience as I unleashed my frustration over the company’s mediocre service. Nope, I wasn’t mad. I was furious!

    Here’s a sample transcript of the phone conversations. (And what I wanted to say but couldn’’t.)

    SmartBro: Customer care hotline, this is Miss Invectives Absorber how may I help you?

    Heckler: (Of course you cannot help me!) This is Mr. Vesuvius of Makati – again! My service reference number is blah-blah-blah.

    SmartBro: Thanks for that info. What’s your concern sir?

    Heckler: (Ah, nothing much. I just wanted to congratulate you and your colleagues there at the SmartBro Hotline Center because SmartBro has a f*cked up service thereby assuring you of a job as calls from irate subscribers will surely flood your lines!) My connection is disrupted – again! This is the fifth time it happened in six days and this is my third call today. Chances are you will tell me that there’s a technical problem at the base station.

    SmartBro: Kindly hold on sir, I’ll just check your account.

    Heckler: Sure. (As if I had a choice!)

    SmartBro:
    Thank you for waiting. I’m sorry sir but there’s a technical problem at the base station. Kindly monitor your connection in 24 to 48 hours.

    Heckler: [Of course, I expected you to say that! Come on, can’t you be more novel with your excuse? Your technical group has been fixing that freakin’ base station for weeks. Wala na bang katapusan ‘yan!) Ah ok! Thanks anyway.

    Well, guess what. It would have been more helpful if Mr & Ms SmartBro customer service rep gave a more creative justification for their inefficient service. That could have somehow eased my frustration. I was thinking of the following:

    Top 5 Things to Tell An Irate SmartBro Subscriber If You Were A Customer Service Representative

    5: “I won’t say sorry for our poor service Mr. Vesuvius. Lest you forget, SmartBro didn’t force you to be a subscriber. So stop whining or I’ll kick your dumb ass off this planet!”

    4: “I’m sorry sir. But here’s a suggestion: why not try Globe Broadband? That’s the essence of competition and a deregulated telecoms industry, right?”

    3: “I’m sorry sir but we’re just being consistent. Get used to it!”

    2: “I’m sorry sir but our big boss, Manny Pangilinan is so preoccupied with his favorite pastime – basketball and basketball players. He doesn’t have that much time to check on the efficiency of SmartBro’s service. And he doesn’t really care if the people behind SmartBro are actually doing something to address the problem of poor service. Ang mahalaga, makapasok sa PBA finals ang Talk N’ Text.”

    And the top thing to tell an irate SmartBro subscriber if you were a customer service representative:

    1: “Sir, I know you’re frustrated with our service. And I am sincerely sorry for that. If you want, I can offer my personal service. Care to trade digits? Here’s mine: 0910-675-BLOW.”

    GOT MILK?

    The Wyeth Case

    Millions of cans and boxes of Wyeth milk products like Promil and Promil Kid – which are still out in the market – were discovered to have developed rust and mold on the packaging. Now we know the secret of Promil Kids: kalawang at amag lang pala!

    The Wyeth Case II

    Millions of cans and boxes of Wyeth milk products like Bonakid, which are still out in the market, were discovered to have developed rust and mold on the packaging. Because of this development, the Bonakid jingle has been reworded. Altogether now… Bona Kid… batang may amag!

    The Wyeth Case III

    Aside from Bona and Promil, Wyeth will also recall millions of cans of Progress Gold from the market due to molds and rust in the packaging of the milk products. But don’t be surprised if Wyeth introduces a new brand in the coming weeks – Progress Brown.

    Missing Sin

    During the commemoration of Cardinal Sin’s second death anniversary, Balanga City Bishop Socrates Villegas admitted that he sorely misses holding the hands of the late Manila Archbishop. Tell me, did Bishop Soc just come out?

    Manila Zoo, Out Zoon?

    Reports say the Manila Zoo might be gone soon to give way to the construction of the Philippine Basketball Association or PBA Dome. But parents and children need not worry because the animals at the zoo will be transferred to a place where they rightfully belong – in Congress.

    Manny Pacquiao

    Manny Pacquiao has dropped his plans to take up political science and has decided to study English instead. That is an ill-advised decision since broken English is his best source of humor.

    Regine’s Career

    Regine Velasquez says she’s willing to give up her career for boyfriend Ogie Alcasid. If she’s really serious, then she must do it soon because she doesn’t have that much “career” left.

    Most Irritating Words?

    “Blog”, “netiquette”, “cookie” and “wiki” have been voted among the most irritating words spawned by the Internet. Read full article here.

    Personal

    Apologies for the delay in posting this new article. I was about to publish this post when my Smart BRO connection was disrupted (again!) by what a Smart Hotline dude described as “technical problems at the base station” (again!). Mind you, this has happened not just once but several times! Not once Ms. Susan Roces! Maraming beses na!

    Before I became a Smart BRO subscriber, I have heard and read countless complaints against Smart Bro. But the masochist in me ignored them. Today, I am tempted to form a “Smart Bro Ka Ng Ina Mo!” cult. Who wants to join… raise your hands!

    I am not done yet.

    When my connection was abruptly halted, I immediately dialed *1888 – the Smart Bro Hotline. Press 1 for Hell, press 2 for Purgatory and Press 3 for Hell! But since the Vatican has decreed that purgatory doesn’t exist I pressed 4 so I could speak directly to Beelzebub himself!

    Fuming mad, I rehearsed my two-page diatribe. Mt. Vesuvius is about to erupt. Poor customer service rep! He’ll either be Pompeii or Herculaneum tonight. So I waited. And waited. And waited. No answer!

    When will I hear the line, “Thank you for calling Hell. This is Satan, how may I help you!” Five minutes, 15 minutes, 30 minutes… nobody bothered to take my call! Where could Satan be? Taking a shower? I heard it’s humid in hell these days.

    And then finally… after 1 hour and 22 minutes, somebody spoke:
    Blah… blah… blah.
    I replied:
    Bleeh, bleeh, bleeh.
    He retorted:
    Bluh. bluh. bluh.
    I asked:
    In short?!?
    He replied:
    “Technical problems at the base station.”

    Smart BRO made me wait for 82 minutes only to give me a six-word excuse for their inefficiency. Where is justice in that?

    Times like this, I wanna down a glass of milk.
    Promil, anyone?

    SCANDALS

    THE FEUDING Bektases have declared a truce. The Gretchen Barretto-John Estrada Kissinggate scandal is over. And both Annabelle Rama and Dolly Anne Carvajal have refused to appear on talk shows. That’s good, right? Wrong! We want scandals! We want mudslinging! We want gossip! We want controversies! We want more! So here goes…

    The Top 10 Scandals We’d Like to See

    10: Caught on tape: James Yap giving Boy Abunda a facial; Kris Aquino to file for annulment

    9: Former Congressman Romeo Jalosjos escapes but is recaptured while offering a lollipop to a 10-year-old girl outside the Bantay Bata compound

    8: Sun Cellular launches new promo: “Unlimited free txt and unlimited free call for one year” Smart, Globe denounce promo as “predatory pricing;” NTC’s intervention sought

    7: Ninoy Aquino’s lost diary is found; page 8 entry reveals own plot to assassinate himself to spark civil unrest against Marcos. Now that explains the immortal line, “The Filipino is worth dying for.”

    6: Senate’s security camera shows Jamby Madrigal enjoying a drinking a session with Biazon, Honasan, Lacson and Trillanes.

    5: Governor/Father Ed Panlilio wins highest pot ever in Pampanga jueteng draw.

    4: Millions of Filipinos heap praises on Comelec for a truly honest, peaceful and orderly election in Maguindanao, Lanao, and other southern provinces.

    3: Clad in baro’t saya, Gretchen Barretto leaves their house without bodyguards, rides a jeepney along Taft Avenue, shops at Divisoria, and then prays the rosary at Quiapo church.

    2: During a brownout in Malacañang one stormy night, a half-conscious First Gentleman Mike Arroyo mistook President Arroyo and daughter Luli for two huge candles and lit them both. They suffered second-degree burns.

    And the number 1 scandal we’d like to see…

    1: Yilmaz Bektas reveals real reason behind his separation with Ruffa: “I am very in love on Raymond. He must in love me also. I feeling it.”

    What’s News? Bad News!

    What’s News: Senator Lacson denies lusting for blue ribbon
    Bad News: Senator Lapid admits lusting for Red Ribbon (sweet!)

    What’s News: MILF says kidnappers of Italian priest demand millions of pesos
    Bad News: MILF elated; the higher the ransom, the higher the commission

    What’s News: Speakership threatens to divide Liberal Party
    Bad News: Was it even united to begin with?

    What’s News: Imee Marcos quits politics to write book about his dad
    Bad News: Fiction lovers couldn’t wait for it

    What’s News: Arroyo won’t require Cabinet men to resign
    Bad News: DSWD chief Esperanza Cabral is worried; she’s a woman

    What’s News: PNP to pull out Ruffa’s bodyguards in a month
    Bad News: Only if they could last that long with Annabelle Rama around

    What’s News: Inquirer is the most read broadsheet
    Bad News: That’s according to the Inquirer