A recent survey says President Duterte is the “most loving” and the “most caring” top government official in the country.

MURDER VICTIM Kian De Los Santos’s parents met with President Duterte in Malacañang over the weekend. After the meeting, a photo op followed with the couple making the ‘fist pump’ gesture with the President and VACC’s Dante Jimenez. Apparently, they were persuaded to still support the war on drugs that killed their son. Duterte described it as, “Persida Acosta’s most remarkable accomplishment yet.”

Fair Enough
The parents of Kian De Los Santos met with President Duterte in Malacañang last Sunday. Also present at the meeting were Vitaliano Aguirre, Dante Jimenez and Persida Acosta. It was the first time a sitting President met with the murder victim’s parents and the murder suspects’ defense team.

Witness Protection
DOJ Sec. Vitaliano Aguirre says the parents of Kian De Los Santos are now under the government’s witness protection program (WPP). This marks the first time in WPP history that witnesses were given state protection against the state.

Ano kaya ang gustong sabihin ni Vitaliano Aguirre?

A: “ Sige! ’Pag ‘di kayo nag-fist pump, paiimbestigahan ko kayo kay Bato! Fist pump na ‘tapos tingin lang sa camera! Walang gagalaw!”

B: “Pagkatapos nito, diretso kayo kay Mocha. May interview kayo. Requirement ‘yan sa lahat ng nasa Witness Protection Program. Umayos kayo sa pagsagot huh.”

C: “Alam n’yo ba ang totoo? Tinira-tira ko sa media ang anak n’yo pati na rin kayo. Sa totoo lang, napilitan lang akong gawin ito dahil si Presidente ang nag-utos. Pero kung ako lang ang masusunod, tae kayo sa akin. O, fist pump na tayo! Go!”

Vitaliano Aguirre says he will not step down as justice secretary despite resignation calls from various thinking sectors of the society. Aguirre says he will stay in office for as long as incompetence is a government policy.

New Assignment
President Duterte has assigned controversial Chief Insp. Jovie Espenido as police chief of Iloilo City. Espenido, who reportedly asked for this new assignment, vowed to eliminate drug addicts, drug pushers, and the PNP’s worst enemy, CCTVs.

“God’s Will”
When asked if suspected criminals in Iloilo City would be killed, controversial Chief Insp. Jovie Espenido replied, “It’s up to God” – eliciting protest from Satan who insisted, “Give credit where credit is due. Please lang.”

In his National Heroes Day speech, President Duterte urged Filipinos to honor our heroes by upholding the rule of law. Actually, his complete and exact words were, “As we continue to fight against lawlessness, let us uphold the rule of law. Charot!”

Land of the Loving
According to a recent survey conducted by Publicus Asia, a PR firm founded and headed by vocal Duterte supporter Malou Tiquia, President Duterte was the “most loving” and the “most caring” government official —  while Malou Tiquia is the most likely new appointee to a government post.

Publicus Asia CEO and founder Malou Tiquia says President Duterte is the “most loving” and “most caring” top government official. To which, Duterte said, “What do you want?”

Quoting an emissary, President Duterte on Tuesday said the Marcoses were willing “to return” SOME of their wealth to the Philippine government. Anytime now though, palace spokespersons are expected to clarify that President Duterte has been misquoted, and that the correct statement should have been, “Marcoses willing to return to government to amass more wealth.”

THIS JUST IN: Intelligence agents intercepted these conversations between members of the Marcos family.

Bongbong: O, ibabalik na natin ang ill-gotten wealth sa gobyerno. Pero konti lang.

Imee: Huh? May ninakaw ba ang pamilya natin sa gobyerno?


Imee: Nagtatanong lang! Ang liit-liit ko pa no’n ‘di ba?

* * * * *

Bongbong: Nagpasabi na ako kay Presidente. Ibabalik natin sa gobyerno ang bahagi ng ating kayamanan.

Imee: Ibabalik?!?!? So aaminin nating nagnakaw ang ating pamilya?!?

Bongbong: Bakit? Sa tingin mo ba may naniniwala pang ‘di tayo nagnakaw?

Imee: Hoy! Marami pa ring tanga sa Pilipinas.

Bongbong: So gusto mo, ‘wag na lang nating aminin?

Imee: Gusto ko, ‘wag na lang nating ibalik!


Imee: Fine! Pero ‘wag nating sabihing “ibabalik.” Dapat “idu-donate!”

* * * * *

Bongbong: Ma, sinabi ko na ho kay Presidente, ibabalik natin ang portion ng ating kayamanan sa gobyerno. Pumayag naman. Two installments.

Imelda: Anong kapalit?

Bongbong: Sa first installment, ‘yung paglilibing kay Papa sa Libingan ng mga Bayani.

Imelda: Eh ‘yung second installment?

Bongbong: ‘Wag mo munang intindihin ‘yun, malakas ka pa naman.

Imelda: Puta ka!

* * * * *

Bongbong: Anak, dapat mong malaman… ibabalik natin sa government ang bahagi ng wealth ng family?

Sandro: What?!? IBABALIK?!? Did I hear it right?

Bongbong: Yes, why?

Sandro: My goodness, Dad! You should have not used the term IBABALIK! Ang bobo lang.

Bongbong: Dahan-dahan ka sa pananalita mo. Tatay mo ‘ko.

Sandro: Mali ka kasi eh! Hindi dapat ‘ibabalik!’ Dapat ‘ISOSOLI’ kasi mas familiar ang millennials sa word na ‘yun.

Bongbong: Ako pa talaga ang bobo. ‘Tang inang buhay ‘to.
“The secret lies of manipulative folks, however hidden and cunningly twisted shall eventually come out. Never trust manipulative politically motivated, sly liars while they pretend to be ‘true friends’ with noble and just cause.
~Angelica Hopes

Sound Bites
“You asked for the assignment sa Leyte, namatay ang mayor doon. You asked for another assignment sa Ozamiz, namatay ang mayor doon, si Parojinog. Ngayon, gusto mo sa Iloilo, kasi si Mabilog has been identified as a protector. Mabuhay kaya siya?”
~President Duterte to Chief Insp. Jovie Espenido

“It’s a damage-control measure pero too bad for them, na-late sila; kasi ang initial instinct ni Duterte ay magtago. It took them more than a week bago nila naisip na ganito ‘yung magandang gimik. Pero gimik lang ‘yan.”
~Sen. Antonio Trillanes on Duterte’s meeting with Kian’s parents


I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Kian’s Parents/Inquirer.Net;  Aguirre: DOJ; Espenido: Manila Bulletin]

Author: professionalheckler

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