Mocha Uson, Bruce Rivera, and two gnomes walk into a bar. Find out what happened!


An old man, a drug dependent, and a murderer walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Good evening Mr. President.”

* * * * *

Martin Andanar walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Secretary, can I get you anything?” Andanar ponders, “What’s the best can you offer me?” The bartender replies, “A good editor.”

* * * * *

A group of majority bloc senators walk into a bar. The majority leader tells the bartender, “I believe we already have a reservation.” The bartender replies, “Of course! In fact, the President has been waiting for you.”

* * * * *

A Caloocan City cop was sitting at a bar. The bartender came over and asked, “What’s your order sir?”

The cop answered, “I’m ordering you to disable all the CCTVs.”

* * *

A palace spokesman was also sitting at the bar. The bartender approached him and asked, “Did you hear it Mr. Secretary? That cop wanted me to disable the CCTVs!”

The palace spokesman replied, “It’s just a hyperbole. Don’t take him seriously.”

* * *

Dick Gordon, Tito Sotto, and Koko Pimentel were also there. They refused to believe the bartender’s claim and dismissed it as hearsay.

* * * * *

The bartender noticed Alan Peter Cayetano and his sister, Pia seated nearby and asked for their opinion. The siblings said, “We didn’t hear anything. No comment.”

* * *

Later that night, a 17-year-old walks into a bar. He comes out in a stretcher. Nobody saw what happened. The CCTVs were disabled.

Mocha Uson, Bruce Rivera, and two gnomes walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “Where’d you get those trolls?”

Mocha Uson and Bruce Rivera answer, “These are not trolls! These are gnomes, idiot!”

The bartender replies, “I was talking to the gnomes!”

* * * * *

A sad-looking Mocha Uson walks into a bar. While checking the menu, she tells the bartender, “I wanna have fun. I want to be genuinely happy. I want to feel great. What should I have? Any suggestions?”

The bartender replies, “Ahm, brain?”

* * * * *

Joseph Estrada walks into a bar. Loi Ejercito appears and says, “It’s only 3 AM! Go back to our room!”

* * * * *

A group of congressmen walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve politicians here.” The congressmen chorused, “It’s fine. We don’t serve you either.”

* * * * *

A preacher, a billionaire, and a homophobe walked into a bar. Everyone was like, “Pacman, pa-autograph naman!”
“You have to quit confusing madness with a mission.”
~Flannery O’Connor

Sound Bites

It’s on you butcher, it’s on you.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Seal: Lei Reyes Marin Jr.; Credits to the owner of the Duterte quotes compilation. Somebody tweeted that to me sans attribution tho.]

Author: professionalheckler

See About the Heckler

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