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PATAY TAYO D’YAN!

28 10 2016

FIRST & EXCLUSIVE

All Saints’ Day Message
of
His Excellency Rodrigo Roa Duterte
President of the Philippines

1dutertejapan

My countrymen:

Achtung!

I am truly happy dahil malapit na naman ang aking favorite national holiday, ang Araw ng mga Patay.

Masama ba? Pinaprangka ko lang kayo. Kung marami sa inyo ay nag-aabang ng Pasko o Valentine’s Day, ako naman, All Saints’ Day.

Simula sa taong ito, ang Araw ng mga Patay ay hindi na dapat ginugunita. Ito ay dapat sini-celebrate! Maraming rason kung bakit dapat ipagdiwang ang All Saints’ Day this year pero hindi ko na ‘yon iisa-isahin dahil masyadong marami – almost 4,000 na yata.

Hindi man sa pagmamayabang, ako ang presidenteng may pinakamalaking kontribusyon sa Araw ng mga Patay. Partida pa ‘yan, wala pa akong limang buwan sa puwesto. Tinutupad ko lang ang aking pangako noong kampanya.

If you would remember, (click here para maalala n’yo), nangako akong papatay ng lima kada linggo. Ngayon, kuwarenta’y kuwatro ang napapatay kada araw. Inuulit ko KADA ARAW! ‘Tang ina, ‘pag ‘di pa naman kayo natuwa n’yan, ewan ko na lang.

Sa mga may-ari ng punerarya at manager ng mga sementeryo, natutuwa ako dahil patuloy ang paglakas ng inyong negosyo. Kasama ‘yan sa ipinangako kong reporma sa inyo.

Sa mga taong bumabatikos sa aking pagtatrabaho, isa lang ang masasabi ko: PUTANG INA NINYO. Kinakampihan n’yo pa ang mga drug addicts at drug pusher pisti kayo.

Hindi ako natatakot mapatalsik sa pwesto, fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you some more! Seventy-one na ako, kahit patayin pa ako ng putang inang CIA na ‘yan, ok lang sa akin. Pero ito ang tandaan n’yo: habang nabubuhay ako, PUTANG INA NINYO!

Mahal ko ang aking bansa kaya pumapatay ako. Kung hindi n’yo matanggap ang ginagawa ko, magsilayas kayo, mga putang ina n’yo!

At kayong mga Amerikano, ‘di pa kayo nagso-sorry sa mga pinatay n’yong Pilipino 110 years ago. Putang ina n’yo. ‘Tapos you keep harping on the issue of human rights? How dare you!?!

Hanggang dito na lamang at sana’y maging ligtas ang biyahe n’yo pauwi sa inyong mga probinsya.

Proud ako sa patuloy n’yong pagtitiwala kahit marami sa inyo – lalo na sa social media ay nagmo-mochang tanga na sa kade-defend sa akin. Walang iwanan. Together, let us KILL THE USER AND KILL THE PUSHER!

Daghang salamat! Schasleevava pootee! Xie xie!
————————————————————————————————————————
“What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.”
~Albert Pine

1digong
Miss International 2016
Kylie Verzosa won the country’s sixth Miss International title. Reacting to Kylie’s victory, President Duterte said, “I am always happy if our beautiful women win all the titles. Pero lahat kayo diyan sa human rights commission, mga pangit!” Human rights commission employees refused to give a reaction. But they’ll give President Duterte a mirror.

In a speech during the pageant, Miss Philippines Kylie Versoza emphasized the importance of ‘international understanding.’ To which, President Duterte said, “What’s that?!”

Conversations
In a presscon shortly after arriving from Japan, President Duterte said God talked to him and threatened to bring the plane down if he wouldn’t stop using cuss words. When asked if He indeed talked to Duterte, God said, “Hashtag dream on!”

According to President Duterte, God talked to him while he was on the plane from Tokyo. He’s getting worse. First, psychopathy. Now, schizophrenia.

President Duterte claimed he was able to talk to God while on the plane from Japan. In the words of presidential spokesman Ernesto Abella, ‘creative imagination.’

1dutertejapan
Interview
Controversial Duterte fanatic Mocha Uson who has been critical of legitimate media organizations was recently invited by the Philippine Daily Inquirer for a sit-down interview. Apparently, the Inquirer heeded Sun Tzu’s advice: In war time, keep your friends close and your enemies, closer.

Critical of legit journalists and media outlets, Duterte fanatics and Mocha Uson labeled some news organizations like the Inquirer, ABS-CBN, GMA 7, Rappler, Philippine Star, and CNN Philippines as “presstitutes” – a portmanteau of press and prostitute. When someone told her, “Ikaw din naman ah – presstitute!” – Mocha Uson replied, “Excuse me, hindi ako press!”

Sound Bites
“I was looking at the skies as I was coming over here. And I… everybody was asleep snoring. A voice said that you know ‘If you don’t stop (inaudible), I will bring this plane down now.’ And I said, who is this? Of course, it’s God. Oh, OK. So, I promised God not to express slang, cuss words.”
~President Duterte

Be rational.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos courtesy of Karl Norman Alonzo/PPD (Duterte); Kylie Versoza/Instagram; Inquirer: Mocha]

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