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ERRONEWS

16 06 2016

1salabs
IN A STRONGLY-WORDED statement, UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon condemns President-elect Rodrigo Duterte’s “apparent endorsement of extrajudicial killings.” Atty. Salvador Panelo blames “incorrect news reports” for the UN leader’s “wrong perception” and explains, “The President-elect has not endorsed, cannot and will never endorse extrajudicial killings.” To those asking, Atty. Salvador Panelo is the incoming presidential sanitizer.

Imaginary Q&A
Reporter: Sabi n’yo po wala kayong sakit. May medical report ho ba kayong maipapakita?

Duterte: Tang-ina, bastos ka ah! How is the vagina of your wife? Is it smelly? Or not smelly? Give me the report.

Panelo: Ang sabi po ng ating president-elect, mahalagang pagtuunan ng pansin ang kalusugan ng kababaihan. Healthy body, healthy mommy, healthy baby. That’s the essence of being a woman. Thank you.

* * *

Reporter: Hashtag ElNiñoLaNiña…

Duterte: El Niño, La Niña. ‘Tang ina, ‘di pa nga ako tapos sa el snatcher at la droga, bibigyan n’yo pa ako ng panibagong problema. Sige! Kayo na rito. Bwisit!

Panelo: Ang sabi po ng ating president-elect, hindi niya pwedeng ipagwalang-bahala ang bantang dulot ng climate change. Isa ‘yan sa kanyang tututukan kapag nasa palasyo na. Thank you.

* * *

Reporter: Ano pong masasabi n’yo sa pambabatikos ng mga obispo?

Duterte: Putang ina nila! Ipokrito sila!

Panelo: Ang sabi po ng ating president-elect, dapat maging open ang Simbahan sa mga pagbabago sa ating lipunan. Thank you.

Development
Lawyer Salvador Panelo will no longer be appointed as presidential spokesperson. Reports quoted Duterte as saying Panelo’s assignment as spokesman was temporary. Sought for a reaction, Panelo said, “Ang sabi po ng ating president-elect, napakahusay kong abogado para lang maging tagapagsalita. Thank you.”

1mateenOrlando Massacre
The US is still in shock following the murder of 49 people in Orlando by a lone shooter identified as Omar Mateen. Former classmates and co-workers described Mateen as an angry, stubborn, trashtalking man who always talked about killing. In other words, he had the potential to become president.

Lost
Defeated vice presidential candidate Ferdinand ‘Bongbong’ Marcos Jr. is incensed. In a recent statement, he spoke about vote buying, vote manipulation, and election fraud. Which sounded familiar because, as it turned out, he was reading from a document called, ‘The Martial Law Years.’

Accusing the administration of cheating in the last elections, Bongbong Marcos said, “Napakawalanghiya ang pagkagawa sa pambabastos at pagbabalewala sa boses ng taumbayan.” Or as his father would say, “Note to self.”

Drug Test
Incoming House speaker Pantaleon Alvarez is open to the idea of requiring lawmakers to take a drug test when the 17th Congress opens next month. In totally unrelated news, Jules Ledesma is really glad his term is over.

Outgoing
Negros Occidental Rep. Jules Ledesma is a three-termer solon. We won’t be seeing him in the upcoming 17th Congress just as we didn’t see him in the 14th, 15th and 16th Congresses.

1Demonyo
Evil
There’s a currently popular online test called, “Gaano ka kademonyo” that ‘calculates’ how “evil” a Facebook user is. I took the test for fun and the result showed I was 234 percent evil. A friend was “more evil” at 285 percent. When President-elect Rodrigo Duterte took the test, he got this reply, “Thank you for taking the test. No need to calculate… Master.”
—————————————————————————————————————————-
“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”
~Mark Twain

Sound Bites
“I long for the day when the LGBT community no longer has to live in fear of discrimination and hate crimes.”
~Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago (She turned 71 on June 15. Happy birthday Senator!)

“Love makes us strong. Love gives us the courage to act. Love gives us hope that change is possible. Love allows us to change the script. So love your country. Love your family. Love the families and the victims and the people of Orlando, but let’s remember that love is a verb. And to love means to do something.”
~Stephen Colbert on the Orlando club massacre

Love will always win.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Panelo: ABSCBN News; Mateen: fox News]

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