“Just because you’re a journalist doesn’t mean you’re exempted from assassination if you are a son of a bitch.”
President-elect Rodrigo Duterte’s controversial statement on the killing of corrupt journalists sparked outrage recently. Incoming presidential spokesperson Salvado Panelo, defense lawyer of the Ampatuans, said the media who “took Duterte out of context” must be more “discerning” about the foul-mouthed mayor’s statements. Panelo stressed, “Duterte is against all ILLEGAL killings.” The Davao Death Squad couldn’t stop laughing.
The president-elect’s spokesman during the campaign, Peter Laviña said Duterte was “taken out of context” by the media. Everytime Duterte’s controversial statements get flak, Laviña would correct those who “misinterpret” his statements – fueling speculations he’ll soon be appointed director of the Bureau of Corrections.
When a reporter covering his press conference insisted that bad journalism was not an excuse for murder, President-elect Duterte replied, “You have to debate with the killer, not me.” In other news, the Ampatuans just announced they have found a new lawyer.
A: Sexy Time
Duterte: Darling, sobrang lamig ng aircon. Naka-kamison ka. Naka-brief lang ako. Patay na ang ilaw. Alam mo na!
Woman: Grabe ka naman darling. Kagabi lang at kaninang umaga, nagtalik tayo ah. ‘Di ka ba napapagod?
Duterte: Huh?! Na-misinterpret mo na naman ako darling! Wala akong sinabing magtatalik tayo! ‘Tang ina! Matulog na nga tayo!
B: The Bodyguard
Duterte: O, Bogart. Iniwanan ka na naman pala ng girlfriend mo. Siguro ikaw talaga ang problema. Alam mo ba ‘yong Viagra?
Bodyguard: Sir, bente-siyete anyos lang ako. Hindi ko problema ang pagtayo ng ari ko.
Duterte: Bakit?! May sinabi ba akong may problema ka sa ari mo? Nagtanong lang ako dahil wala akong alam tungkol sa Viagra! Out of context ka, gago!
Duterte: Wala akong ibibigay na puwesto kay Robredo dahil malaki ang paggalang ko sa ‘yo. We’re friends.
Bongbong Marcos: Salamat Mayor. Ano bang balak mong ibigay na puwesto sa akin after ng one-year ban sa mga natalong kandidato?
Duterte: May sinabi ba akong bibigyan kita ng puwesto? Ang sabi ko lang wala akong ibibigay na puwesto kay Robredo. ‘Wag mo akong i-misinterpret. Sira ulo!
Change Is Coming
Trash-talking Mayor Duterte promises “metamorphosis” once he is sworn into office. Change will come he says. For example, he’ll lessen his “Putang inas” to 20 per week from the usual 50.
Political operator Pastor Boy Saycon who was claiming election fraud tried to stop the proclamation of President-elect Rodrigo Duterte and Vice President-elect Leni Robredo last Monday. He failed! But Saycon was so funny, he was given three minutes by Congress to do stand up comedy.
Pastor Boy Saycon accuses the Liberal Party of rigging the elections in Quezon Province. His three witnesses, all Iglesia Ni Cristo members, claimed 500,000 votes were shaved from Bongbong Marcos and added to the votes of Leni Robredo. But official results showed Robredo only got a total of 385,164 votes in the province. Congress told Saycon and his INC witnesses to return some other day but advised them to exert more effort rehearsing their lines.
A giant alligator was caught on tape taking a leisurely stroll on a Florida golf course. Reptiles on golf courses are unusual for some. In the Philippines, it’s called “Congress in recess.”
A giant alligator was filmed loping across a golf course in Florida. Filipinos praised the reptile for taking a stroll without a bodyguard.
“Those whom the gods wish to destroy they first make mad.”
“Puta’ng ina! Sinabi ko mga ugok, puta’ng ina. I can lose the presidency, my life, my honor. Just don’t fuck with me. Huwag n’yo na akong takutin. Boycott, boycott, leche kayo, e ‘di mag-boycott kayo!”
~President-elect Rodrigo Duterte
Six years. And he hasn’t officially started yet. SMH.
I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.
[Photos: Duterte: Erik De Castro/Reuters; Boy Saycon: Rappler]