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TAKE 2: I QUIT

12 03 2016

FOR THE SECOND TIME, presidential sister Kris Aquino announces she is quitting show business. Which was a bit anticlimactic ‘coz after ‘Etiquette for Mistresses’ and ‘All You Need Is Pag-ibig,’ we thought showbiz had already quit on her.

Kris Aquino leaving showbiz right NOW is like DJ Mbenga and Kwame Brown leaving the world champion Lakers.

1KRIS

With regard to her announcement, here’s Krissy’s latest statement:

“NAKAKALOKA. Hindi ko kinaya ang universe this week. Nag-conspire yata talaga para ‘di masyadong mapansin ang announcement ko. Irita ako ng slight, promise. Allow me to explain.

Ang totoo, Monday ko talaga dapat ipo-post sa Instagram ang decision ko to leave showbiz temporarily. (I know. I know. Second time na ‘to. Promise, this one’s for real.) Pero na-realize ko, Tuesday is International Women’s Day. ‘Di ba mas bongga? Mas relevant! So nag-compose muna ako ng post at hinintay kong mag-Tuesday!

The next day, Martes, maaga akong bumangon para i-post ang announcement ko. Medyo antok pa ang lola n’yo at may konting sinat pa pero keri lang. Post! So hinintay kong mag-comment ang followers ko. In fairness, marami-rami namang nalungkot. Sa isip-isip ko, “big news” ito later. Top story! “Multimedia queen, iiwan na ang showbiz!” Pak! Happy International Women’s Day to all!

Cut to: Around 3PM, I asked Darla to check the top trending topics on Twitter. I’m sure, nandun ako!

“Krissy, hindi pa masyadong pinag-uusapan ang announcement mo. Pero trending ‘yong Grace Poe!”

1GP
‘Yun pala, lumabas that same day ang decision ng Supreme Court on Grace Poe’s disqualification cases. Emosyonal ang senadora! Natural, siya ang bidang-bida!

Hay naku Atty. Theodore Te, wrong timing talaga kayo. Pwede namang Wednesday na lang inilabas ang decision ‘di ba! Bakit nakisabay ka pa!? Natabunan tuloy ang important announcement ko! I mean, hellloooooo! Halos dalawang dekada na akong napapanood sa TV ‘no! Eh si Grace Poe, wala pang 10 years sa Pilipinas, pinayagan lang tumakbo! Naku, ayaw nina Ate Koring at Dr. Elenita Binay ng ganyan! Promise!

Na-mention ko na rin lang si Korina, naloka naman ako kay Mar the other day. Sorry ‘Noy, but I have to make a comment lang. Kasi nga, Korina was present in a couple of Department of Agriculture events recently. Give ng cash here, give ng farming equipment there, winner ‘di ba? When a reporter asked Mar about it, napikon ang lolo n’yo. Hindi raw ba pwedeng mag-campaign for him si Korina na asawa naman niya. Naloka ako nang bongga. Of course pwede, Mar! Ano ka ba?! Pero ang isyu, bakit sa events pa ng Department of Agriculture? Ayan, na-compare tuloy siya kay Imelda. Ayaw ko nang habaan pa ang litanya dahil baka tumawag na naman si Ate Pinky. I’m sure, sasabihin niya, “Krissy! We’re on Mar’s side, LP tayo. Stop it na!” ‘K. Fine. Aha-ha-ha!

Going back to my announcement…
So ‘yun na nga. Natabunan na ako ng Grace Poe issue. ‘Buti na lang pinick-up ng ilang online news outlets ang IG posts ko; at least, kahit papa’no pinag-usapan pa rin naman ako. In Darla’s words. “Iingay pa ‘yan.” At sabi nga ni Alma, “Dasal lang. Dasal lang talaga.” So ‘yun na nga ang ginawa ko, I prayed.

1lrt
And then came Thursday! Dito na ako nainis nang bonggang-bongga. There’s this talkative boy in school uniform na nag-post ng video habang sakay sa LRT na open ang door! NAKAKALOKA! Hindi ko talaga kinaya. I mean, ‘yong talkative boy NOT the open door! Promise, naka-relate ako sa kanya. You know, the attention, the instant fame, and all. ‘Buti na lang at walang nagtulak sa kanya palabas. Ang ingay-ingay niya sa tren ‘no! Feeling siguro ni bagets, member siya ng Dauntless sa Divergent movie. Watch this para ma-gets n’yo.

Pero to be fair, mabuti na ring lumabas ang video ni talkative boy (na James pala ang name. Wow, what a coincidence!) I can’t imagine Bimby or Josh on a train na open ang door habang tumatakbo. I swear, magdedemanda ako! MAGDEDEMANDA AKO!

Going back to my announcement…
Nagpa-interview nga pala ako kay Jo-Ann Maglipon ng YES! Magazine about my decision to quit showbiz. Na-feature naman sa news ‘yong tungkol sa YES! interview ko last Friday so feeling ko finally… sa akin na ang focus. Eh biglang umeksena itong RCBC Branch Manager sa NAIA. Natabunan na naman ang interview ko! Imbey!

1RCBC
In case you missed it, ito ‘yon: Nagamit pala sa money laundering itong RCBC. Millions of dollars mula sa Bangladeshi government ang dinivert ng hackers sa bansa through RCBC! Grabe! I’m not sure lang kung alin ang mas shocking: ‘yong nagamit ang RCBC o ‘yong fact na may millions of dollars ang mga Bangladeshi. I’m sooo mean! I remember kasi this joke from the ‘90s: sa sobrang hirap daw ng Philippines, Bangladesh na lang ang ‘di natin natatalo. Ouch.

Anyway, may Senate hearing next week at invited itong si RCBC Branch Manager Maia Santos-Deguito. Pero kahapon, nag-attempt pala siyang umalis ng country. Malas lang niya dahil naalerto agad ng AMLC ang Bureau of Immigration. Ayun, kahit nakaupo na, pinababa pa rin siya ng plane. Ang sad. I think I’m gonna cry. Hu-hu-hu Pero bad ‘yang money laundering huh. Masisira ang good image ng Philippines na pinaghirapan pa naman ni ‘Noy. Good luck sa hearing!

1kk
Going back to my announcement…
Baka June na ako makabalik sa TV. Or July. Or earlier. I don’t know. Since election season naman at nasa candidates ang atensyon ng buong Pilipinas, disappear na muna ako. Pagbalik ko, hopefully… wala na si politics si Noy, at si Mar na ang presidente. Kung mamalasin, ‘yong taga-Makati. Or malay natin, isa uling babae. Naku, baka magalit sa akin ang mga taga-Davao. Sige na nga, isasama ko na si Mayor Duterte. Pero promise, ang corny nung Du30. It’s read as Du-thirty not Du-ter-te. Masyadong pilit eh.

To my fans, thank you for the love. Hindi naman ako mawawala totally eh. Ako pa?! Sa mga nag-send sa akin ng videos na umiiyak sila ‘tapos parang nagde-deliver ng eulogy, how morbid! Buhay pa ‘ko! Nakakaloka kayo! Mapapanood n’yo pa rin naman ako sa commercials ‘tapos mababasa n’yo pa rin regularly ang mga post ko sa IG na mas mahahaba pa kaysa sa Supreme Court decisions.

Promise, pagbalik ko, marami akong pasabog! Mas bongga! Mas winner! Mas pag-uusapan! I’m sure, viral material ang comeback interview ni Krissy! Unless, mag-post na naman ng kanyang documentary ‘yong talkative boy sa LRT! Kalurky!

Love. Love. Love.
1kk
—————————————————————————————————————————————
“When you become a celebrity, your shit becomes news.”
~M.F. Moonzajer

Sound Bites
“Just like all of you, I love my family. My most valuable life destiny is to be Mama to Kuya Josh and Bimby; and to be a loving, selfless sister to Ate Pinky, Noy, and Viel: a bunso who doesn’t give them constant worry because of my health and safety.”
~Kris Aquino

Elsewhere
“But in the face of yet another sterling opportunity for Binay to once and for all answer the charges squarely, he is again hedging and bellyaching. Unfortunately, even the COA that he had once depended on for official clearance now agrees: He has some explaining to do.”
~Philippine Daily Inquirer, Explain Already

Stay healthy.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Kris Aquino: IG; Grace Poe: PhilStar.Com; RCBC: ABSCBN News; LRT: James Cubelo]

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One response

13 03 2016
Bohdj c",)

hahahaha.
very creative way of writing, habang binabasa ko feel ko si krssy tlga nagsasalita. c”,)

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